Friday, April 30, 2004

Fri.morning...
OH! forgot to mention......The South Beach Diet is amazing! Today is day 4, and i have lost 5 lbs.Can't say i like it, not at all. I am definately into sugur withdrawal. But, the reward will be sweet!Later.......
Friday Morning~~~
Still on the run, on the go...Got up at 6am, made sure Justin got off to school, did a few things around the house, went to bank, went grocery shopping, came home and put it all away, blah, blah, blah. Still have a million miles to go, and all i really want to do is plant some flowers, and read a book,after blogging, of course.
Back to what happened on Wednesday. It was a nightmare that no commission salesperson should ever endure. We work on an up system, taking turns with each customer that walks thru the door. I had three customers all day. One was a low-end browser. One was a low-end mattress sale. She was a single mom whose townhouse burned down, and I couldn't steer her towards something expensive, when i knew how poor she was. The third was a high end customer, who had to bring her husband back in.
Pat had 7 customers, all previous be-backs, and ended the day with SEVEN THOUSAND DOLLARS in sales, to my ittybitty FOUR HUNDRED. I wanted to weep, i wanted to scream, i wanted to shake my fist at God. I stopped my mental ravings, and thought,"what's the lesson here?"I realized the lesson was seeing and correcting the jelousy i was feeling, because it had no positive value in my life. I let it go. God knows what i need. God knows what Pat needs. I just let it go.
One more test was in order, though. The last hour of Wednesday at work I do cleanup/fixup around the store, my personal finish to the work week. A couple that i had sold a bed to 3 years before came in to chat. THEY WOULDN'T TAKE THE HINT TO LEAVE!!And that is why i had to go back to work yesterday, on my day off, to finish up...Jeezzz...At least they invited me to their cabin in the upper pennisula,lol.
I didn't make my numbers, and money is really tight. Good thing i can juggle. I wonder what it would be like to not worry about the basic necessities? Oh, well. Better days are coming.
I talked to a realtor yesterday. I used to work for him in my brief, ill-fated career selling mobile homes. He is just about the smoothest talking devil i know, and has been selling houses for three years now. He would love to sell my house, and gave me a breakdown on what to expect in fees and his commission. 6%!!!!! Holy Cow! I know that is the going rate, but, I don't think i am willing to give up that much money. I can sell beds, why not my house? Perhaps I will have him come do a walk through, tell me his opinion on selling price, and then offer him 1% for his mentorship while i sell it myself....
Today is Rikk's birthday, and he should be coming back from Canada today. I have never made anyone a pumpkin pie for their birthday, but, hey, it's his day, and that's his favorite.
I spoke to my brother, Patti, and my sister Andrea yesterday. I expect the commander(big sister Jan) to call today. She has an unerring ability to know when i am thinking about her.We have to firm up our plans for the visit to Maryland in June.
I see my dreams being a reality soon. I am scared witless, and totally exhilerated, the bravest coward i know., lol.
So much to do!!!! Later..........

Thursday, April 29, 2004

Thursday Morning~~
It seems impossible that i haven't written since Monday. And i can't write yet. It's my day off, but i am starting it going back to work for an hour or so. What an experience yesterday was! Can't wait to get back home and write about it. later....

Monday, April 26, 2004

Monday Night~~
The world is a glorious place!!Just when i think i have it figured out, BOOM! it tilts on it's axis, and i see things differently.
I got an email from my brother, offering support with the overwhelm syndrome.LISTS..with the most important first,to ease the panic. This is also Rikk's solution. I got an email from Flora..also offering support....She sent me images of balloons, soaring high, happy colored and dancing, the way my sales will be..
I love the combination of the esoteric and the practical. I think it is the way i see things, too. I never discount the magic. But i DO look both ways before i cross the street.
Tonight i am listening to fifties Do Wop...wearing my sun and stars jammies, with cloud slippers and my pearls. My hair is curling wildly, out of control, and my glasses are slipping down my nose. I am hungry, ravenous, and as i write, I imagine myself as a medieval wench, in a tight corseted dress, with my pearls, of course, holding a great roasted turkey leg two fisted, and tearing it with my teeth. Now THAT'S hungry...lol.
I think i will settle for something a little quicker to cook when i finish writing...maybe a peanut butter and jelly?
Tomorrow i am starting the south beach diet. I have plumped up and don't like it. Probably will like the diet even less, but, a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do.
Tired, now.....but, happy. I know i am loved, and that is all there really is. zzzzzzzz
Later.
Monday Morning~~
I don't think this is going to be a soul satisfying write today. In the back of my mind, i am reviewing lists of thing that must be done. There is so much to do to get the house ready to sell. I feel overwhelmed. It is the end of the month, time for the final sales push to get my numbers where they should be.I need to balance the checkbook and juggle some bills. There are clothes to put away, and my nails need doing. The barrage of negativity has been horrendous. At work the boss complains constantly about how slow business has been. No one knows that better the the sales staff, because our income depends on sales. Yet, if you allow yourself to fall into the pity pot, you lose doubly, because a salesperson without enthusiasm is a salesman that makes no sales. Oh, well. I won't allow them to bring me down. I will make it a game today to try to bring everyone at work UP.
Justin has been the other source of negativity lately. His teenage angst has hit an all time high, or should i say low. There is a time for softness and encouragement, and there is a time for stern advice. I gave it to him straight up. Stop whining. Stop pitying yourself. Take care of your body. Take care of your room. Get a job. You want to grow up, these are the steps you need to take. I hope he takes my advice, because the time is drawing near for me to go, and if he doesn't like my rules, he can live on his own and live life the way he pleases.
Time for a shower.I thank God for the warmth of water, the scent of soap, the chance for a new day. Later.

Saturday, April 24, 2004

Saturday afternoon~~~
It's been three days since i have had the chance to write, and it seems like forever. Thursday and Friday I was up early, cleaning and running errands. Spent most of my time outside, working in the yard...I am taking a stolen moment at work, and hope i can find time tonight to write some more....It's 2 pm, just four more hours of work to go.....later.

Wednesday, April 21, 2004

Wednesday Morning~~
I am so thankful for this journal. It has been almost a month to the day since i started it. I am starting to see a pattern emerge from it all. I see the words that i use too often. I see the sentences that are too long. I see the spelling errors. I am starting to see the value of editing. It is like pulling weeds out of the garden,necessary for the health and beauty of the flowerbed. I see that this will hopefully be a gift to my children someday. They will get to see me as a real person, not just their mom. I will always have a mournful wail locked in my heart over the deaths of my parents. Who were they, really? I will never know, and always hunger for that knowledge.
Perhaps the weather has made me meloncholy today. It is raining quietly, everything a hazy pale green, with a silver gray sky.
Today is the last day of my workweek. I hate the three day back to back 11 hour shifts. I will work hard, dream even more, and look forward to tonight.

Tuesday, April 20, 2004

Tuesday Night~~
I feel like a thief, stealing time. I give a quick kiss to Rikk, a hello to Justin, and throw a storebought roasted chicken and salad on the kitchen counter. I see that R. has cleaned the kitchen and bathroom, and Justin has something on his mind., but I head to the computer room, head down, fingers itching, needing to be a mermaid, swimming, stroking, floating, with the words held inside me.
Another crazy day at work. Training Lenny, taking care of customer problems, checking in trucks. Finally, a big sale, made by fighting the urge to throw myself at their feet and beg for the sale. It is a fancy dance, par and thrust, while i guage their need, and make them want what i have. I am tired by the end of the day, but satisfied.
There have been people in my life that have so overwhelmed me with their love. My diamonds don't rest on my fingers, but in my heart.
Last night in the midst of writing, feeling frustrated by interruptions and commitments, i looked to my right, and posted on the wall were 21 mermaids, all different sirens of the sea, and in the middle, a photo of me, taken at 22, sitting bikini-clad on a beach in Greece, with a live octopus on my knee.
I was astounded! It was a gift from Rikk, with me as the land-legged mermaid at it's center..
I remember that day well..I lived in a tent on the edge of the Aegean Sea,surrounded by hills of wild thyme and olive trees. The only thing around for miles was a little taverna, and the fishmen who set their wooden boats out each morning. I was an oddity, an American woman barefoot and bikinid, who spent her days writing, reading,walking the hills and lying in the sun. They didn't know what to do with me...ignore me, befriend me, or spy on me when i slipped away to the farthest corner of rocks to sunbathe nude. I gave them no choice. I talked to them in my halting Greek, which they found hilarious. It wasn't long before they tried to teach me to fish, and then the day of the photo came. I was too soft and citified to touch the octopus they caught, they said. It was too creepy and slimy, they said.
I couldn't resist....It was the size of a cat, and looked dangerous. What would the tentacles feel like, sucking against my skin? Was it slimy, or silky and slippery? I sat in the sand, and they placed it upon my knee. The tentacles grasped my leg tightly, and the body felt like silk. I felt erotic, and wild, and slid my fingers over the length of its body. It was one of those moments where all feeling is magnified, the wind tossing my hair, the grit of the sand, the laughing hiss of the sea,the intent eyes of the fishermen watching me.I smiled into the camera, willing myself to remember it forever.
And I have........

Monday, April 19, 2004

Monday Night~~
Listening to the sexy caravan beat of Mars Lasar..Tough day at work, the silent anxiety of a comission salesperson with no customers, yet, i kept the anxiety at bay with prayer, affirmations, and merchandising the futon gallery. Top it off, i have been given the dubious honor of sales trainer. The boss has brought his son into the business, and i was chosen, hands down, to train in sales and front end procedure. I think people get big bucks for that, don't they? Ah, well, i love to teach,and now that the boss wants to open another store, i have been told that i will be teaching EVERYONE newly hired. Jeesh.....if they only knew i won't be there that long....Just like my ex's, i guess, didn't appreciate me while i was there, missed me when i was gone!
Darn, i am trying to write, and am getting bombarded with emails...i will post this, and try again later or in the am.....sigh
Monday Morning...
And Yikes, what a Monday morning it is...J. woke up throwing up at 4am, sure he had food poisening. When he is sick he is a true Leo, dramatic, noisy, and sure he is drawing his last breath. Needless to say, i didn't get to go back to sleep, until i finally told him he wasn't dying, he had just had too much of the ham with pineapple sauce i made last night for dinner. We aren't hammy people, and stay away from rich sauces, so the occasional ham dinner has to be treated with caution.
Today is a new moon, a traditional time for new beginnings, and though i dont really have time to write, i knew i had to start out my day this way. The wind is moaning wildly outside, a gale without rain. It's exciting and fresh, and i want to be walking at Swan Park.
I have so much to do, to plan, to accomplish. I can feel myself on the edge of panic, multitasking. I know how to handle it, though. Deep breaths, and taking one thing at a time.
I came home from work yesterday to find that rikk had edged and trimmed the front of the house.Such a pretty little cottage it is! He also took my bike in to be fixed. My friend Lindsey came over, and looked around with a proprieitary eye. She wants to buy the house with her husband to be, and move in in July...talk about karma, her fiance is the young man i let live here for almost nothing when they were having problems 4 years ago .It is all talk at this point, of course, but it seems the universe's plan is unfolding quickly.
Can it be almost 10:30 already? Time to go to work. I can't get my little sister out of my mind. I haven't been able to reach her for almost a week, and my antenna is up.I will try again from work.
Soon i want to explore the mystery of the witches of eastwick. I am convinced we are descended from a long line of powerful, intuitive women, and i want to find out where the line began....
later, later, always later..........

Sunday, April 18, 2004

SUNDAY MORNING~~
Sitting in my batik robe, listening to sweet violin music, drinking my morning coffee with the big, fat white cat on the windowsill.Today i get out of work early, at 5pm, and even if it rains, i will be outside, knees in the dirt, working the soil in the flowerbeds, looking for old friends popping up from the earth, thanking God for his majesty through the earth in my fingers, and the wind on my face.
Such a longwinded sentence! Guess it's okay for someone not even awake yet. In fact, i am so not awake, that i will have to write later. My words are like hard butter right now, not melted and creamy and flowing like i prefer..........Hmnnn, i think i will go back to bed and wake up Rikk, THAT's a better way to start a sunday morning....later.

Saturday, April 17, 2004

SATURDAY MORNING~
What a wonderful day off yesterday. The sun was out, it was hot and breezy, and i started about 10am working out in the yard. It was a welcome change from the day before, when i grimly took my tax papers to the accountant. First time in my life i owed the government, a whopping thousand dollars. I sent in all the the state tax due, and will have to take the penality from the federal, but, all the other bills are paid, so, i can either bitch and moan, or be thankful i was able to pay as much as i did. I'll take the thankful route, because i can't change the fact that i owed, just my approach to it all.
The backyard looked like a cross between a cozy redneck's dream and martha stewarts worst nightmare. Jeeezz, how did it get that way??? Only one way to start, one step at at time. I went to the firehouse and got a campfire permit, and started burning all the old sticks and lawn debris. Rikk came out, and when he saw i wasn't going to stop, took over the firetending. Gone went the broken wooden chairs. What the heck, throw in the warped wooden table too. I didn't get nervous until the old christmas trees were thrown on the fire....almost melted the clothes line!!
Yard raked, watered, and new grass-seed. The water sprite perched on the rim of the brick wishing well, with water splashing over her toes, and then the yearly ritual of coins thrown in for luck...Tiger lilies planted along the back fence, and a new area planned for this year's tomatoes and peppers..
By six pm, all looked serene and beautiful again. I will miss this house, truly, but, it is time to let it be someone else's dream, and journey on.
I couldn't let the outdoors go, and Rikk and i got a bucket of chicken and drove to the State Park just up the street. Swan Park, i call it, because of the many swans that grace it's lake. We picniced by the water's edge, with no one else there but the swans and ducks, and watched the sun set over the water.
The finale to a beautiful day? As we walked back to the car, i looked up at the sky. There in the fiery orange glow of the sunset, the portrait of a fox in the clouds. Startled, i grabbed Rikk's arm and said"what do you see?" He saw it too, the face of a Fox, staring down at us...I take it as an omen....This fox is getting ready to do some incredible things....
Out of the clouds and into the shower. Work awaits, sales meeting at nine.

Wednesday, April 14, 2004

Well, here it is almost ten pm, and, I have a glass of wine and some sweet, soft melodies to write by...Once again, i don't even pause to get out of my work clothes, I just want to write.
Time to put the Canadian holiday to bed. Only a neurotic cook like me would bring my own spices, measuring cup, and spoons. I really wanted to bring my German chef knife, but i wondered about the border...and EVERY kitchen has to have a good knife, right?
Wrong. Grandma J is a very dear woman, but, if i wanted to commit suicide by dramaticly stabbing myself to death, it wouldnt be with one of her knives. Terrible, dull things, more apt to spread butter then chop with any authority.
Justin and i were welcomed with open arms. I love homes of people who aren't gypsies like me. They always make me a bit sad and needy, but i instantly attach myself.I have always wanted to have a Leave It to Beaver kind of life, and even the illusion of one is a very powerful pull for me. They probably see themselves as boring. I see them as safe and reliable. But, who am i kidding? Safe and reliable sounds good, but, with the life i have led, it would probably bore me to death.
Mmmnn. for dinner I am eating rasberry sherbet, so cold and sweet and clean on the tongue, between sips of wine. It is a dinner best eaten naked with a lover, but, the keyboard will have to do.
I had made a ginger/garlic/pineapple marinade to serve for dinner on Easter Eve, for grilled chicken breasts that had been grilled, sliced on the diagonal, and served atop a salad of romaine lettuce, red pepper slices, mandarin oranges, and pineapple. I planned on buying the breasts in Canada, but, grandma J. had some in her freezer, so, i thought, go with the flow. I marinated them on Friday. Ooops, no grill. Ok, I will broil them, i thought. Oops, the broiler didnt work in the Canadian Stove from Hell. Ok, i thought, i will BAKE the DAMN CHICKEN BREASTS. Even if you aren't a cook, you will realize my dismay that the chicken breasts took ONE ENTIRE HOUR to bake,and the end result was pasty, sick looking chicken breasts, with a horrible texture and taste. Nothing to do but dress the salad with brave little orange and pineapple bits, and the chow mein noodles i had brought from home.
When i shyly told grandma J. the stove didnt seem quite hot enough, and the chicken breasts seems to have an odd texture, she said "oh, well, the stove is 40 years old, and a bit slow, I think, and i believe the chicken breasts might be a bit freezer burned.."
SHIT!!!!!!!I just put a little extra garlic on top of the salad, figuring it would kill germs and mask the taste. I didnt eat the chicken, even though i knew it wouldnt kill anyone. The worst part about it was that they liked it. Even had seconds. But, I KNEW. If it had been my epicurean Italian family, i would have been laughed out of dodge, and we would have ordered chinese. sighh.......
The turkey was what scared me. These people thought i was a good chef. What was i going to do, brown the damn bird with my lighter?? Raw turkey poisening kept flashing through my brain.., with headlines reading something like" American Offensive Strikes Canadian Kitchen, Eight Hospitalized" So, I did the next best thing, I cooked the F@*king bird for seven hours, just to be safe.
While it was cooking, we took a lovely tour of London, Ontario, and the coastal drive of Lake Erie. We stopped to look at Rikk's murals, painted in towns along the way. He is amazingly talented. We got back an hour before easter dinner, and i knew it was perfect timing to steam the fresh asparagus, then dollop them with lemon and butter.
Grandma J. tried to help. She took those lovely, erect stalks of spring perfection, and, with her butter knife, chopped them to bits. After she chopped them, she boiled them to a soft , defeated heap of green .I was apalled. Horrified. I swept them from the water, thew some butter on them, and put them on the table. If they liked the chinese chicken salad the night before, those asparagus would be just fine.
Now, i know i have painted an ugly picture of Easter dinner. But, the people were very kind, and welcoming, and lovely.
I missed my Fortissimo wine. I missed my sisters. I missed the delicate shudders of delight i feel when i feed people food that is worthly of how much i love them.
Crazy? yup, probably. STILL haven't gotten to the nice policeman and the towtruck....
Ah, tomorrows are a wonderful thing........

Tuesday, April 13, 2004

Still haven't finished my story of the nice policeman and the tow truck..but, it will have to wait a little bit longer. This is my blog, after all, and, i AM a self proclaimed Mermaid, floating the currents,so, i write what i am feeling, at the moment.
Tonight i am thinking about relationships. Certain things bind you to another, especially in a romantic relationship. It is like buying a house. In the beginning you are giddy with the excitement of ownership, of the joy of decorating, making it yours, a fresh canvas to paint.It is only when that phase is over that you look up, and see that crack on the ceiling that you never saw before, and notice the slight tilt in the floor that before seemed unique and charming. That is the turning point. Should you plaster the crack and check the foundation to repair the tilt? It is a good house, after all. Or should you say screw it, and buy a new house?
It is a question that has always plagued me. Do other people feel this way? I don't know.....
Maybe tomorrow i will get to the policeman, and the Canadian oven from hell, and my beautiful fresh asparagus that i was going to steam, only to find my boyfriend's mom helpfully chopped into bits, and boiled.....
Ah, i love tomorrows, they always have the promise of a better day!
The familiar winter palatte of white and gray is back today, barely tinted by the red of the budding maples around my house. I don't care, because it is one week since that terrible cold, and my energy is back, ready to take on the world. My brotherinlaw, Doc, chatted with me online last night, and gave me an exercise routine. My arms hurt this morning from ten measly pushups, and i am quite sure i did them wrong, anyway.I did them again this morning, and jumped rope, too, even though it was with a bit of rope from an old clothesline. Perhaps the endorphin rush will come later, after i have caught my breath...
Back to the holiday in Canada....The first thing you notice is how friendly the Canadian border cops are, not grim-faced like the American side. When asked what i was bringing in to Canada, I reeled off my food items, and she smiled and said "go enjoy your holiday"..That was it, and off we went. The Queen's Highway, 401, is a pristine, straight roadway, with tidy farms and stands of trees. That's it, no billboards, no neon, nada. You can fall into a zen-like trance, with nothing to grab your eye but the colors of the earth and sky. I wouldn't want to travel it in the winter.
As you travel into St. Thomas proper, the first thing you are greeted by is a huge elephant's behind, up on a hill to your right. St Thomas is where the famous circus elephant Jumbo, was killed by a train many years ago, and they immortalized it with a huge concrete sculpture of him high on the hill. Five years ago, Rikk was commissioned to repaint him. His sense of humor overcame him as he mixed the primer coat, and he added a wallop of pink to the paint. The city fathers' were outraged as Jumbo emerged pink as a drunk's hallucination, and threatened nonpayment for the work. He kept painting. The news crews arrived, and by the time Jumbo was proudly pink, there were crowds lined up to have their pictures taken, and people selling postcards and t-shirts.Just goes to show that you should follow your heart, and success will follow...or, at the very least, you will have a good time. I WANT TO WRITE MORE!!! but, time to get ready for work.....

Monday, April 12, 2004

Still in my suit, and should have stayed home today! Had an appointment to talk about refinancing my house today, to lower my interest payment. I sat in a little cafe with a young professional mortgage guy, and listened to him tell me how wonderful his proposal was. I am not very savvy when it comes to financial matters, but, i know a scam when i see one. I looked at the figures, and drifted off into space while he talked, not hearing his words at all..It was strange, like white noise, or the ocean, while my antenna curled around his being, and confirmed that he was a liar, did not have my best interest at heart, and i should absoleutely decline to do business with him.
I offered to pay for the coffee, saying it was the least i could do for his time, because I saw no value in doing business with him. He squirmed, and began to dance The Negotiation Boogie, telling me the figures were "fluid" and he could do better...HA!
That was the beginning, and work was one juggling act after another, placating irritated customers, subtly threatening manufacturers who weren't delivering on time, and doing daily administrative work. In between that, I sold some low end stuff, prayed for deliverance, and got out of dodge at precisely nine pm....Ah, the joy of tomorrows! I am sure it will be better, tomorrow...
Home from my little holiday, and lots to write about!!Especially the ride home in a tow truck, and chatting with the nice policeman. ....
but i have to get ready for work!!!!!!!!!!
My fingers are twitching, my mind is itching to write, but, time to go sell some mattresses...I will get to write tonight, i hope...

Tuesday, April 06, 2004

I sure am tough, sometimes. I hardly ever get sick, but Sunday night i felt a cold coming on like a freight train...the uh-oh kind of cold, that starts with alot of sneezes, progresses to a dripping nose, and culminates in a general feeling of horrible lassitude.
No choice, not really...still had to go to work, boom, 11 hours, monday, tuesday and wednesday....I thought about it like a prison term..all i really wanted to do was sleep.
Today at work i thoroughly submerged myself in the pity pool., internally raging at my job, ready to quit., thinking i should have the kind of job where sick days are the norm, and paid, to boot.
No such luck. At one point, i crawled into the furthest corner of the clearance room, and tucked myself in for a 10 minute nap. Fifteen minutes later i was awakened by a customer, because Garry was on the phone and couldn't warn me that someone had come in. Proper little pool of drool on the pillow, one hand curled around my hair, at least my skirt was still down....sigh. I sold them the very same mattress, saying that it was the one i chose when i was really in need of a comfortable little sleep. Never think that God doesn't give a silver lining to his clouds....lol.
I am excited and a bit scared about Easter. Going to Canada for the holiday, with Justin, while Todd gleefully stays home to do whatever 22 year olds do when their Mom's not home....At least i trust him, so, that's half the battle.
And what will i bring for Easter? Food, of course..Before i even think of what to wear, i am planning on making a pot of sauce with meatballs, Magic Bars, Pumpkin Pie, and artichoke dip. Hope they don't confiscate it at the border. And all the while, eating with people i don't know, (knowing i will be rated and judged, most likely),I have in my heart my mother's Easter feast....redolent with garlic rubbed lamb, fresh asparagus, sauteed mushrooms, cooked so slow they were intense nuggets of flavor, and artichokes, spiky and naughty, stuffed with cheese and bread crumbs, sensous to the teeth and tongue..
What am i going , a garlic spiced Italian girl in the midst of Ham eating protestants? Should i try to straighten my hair? Should i wear a conservative pantsuit?
Nah, I think i will just feed them. I think i will just hug them. I think i will just buy some wine.
I promise to write about the funny bits.
Sure wish i was spending it with my sisters, and brother, and aunt, and cousins. Time for this sick girl to go to bed.....tomorrow, ...........to write again.

Sunday, April 04, 2004

"SUNDAY NIGHT"
I am so sleepy...today we changed the clocks ahead an hour...I had a fabulous day at work., i met so many interesting people...Laughed, sold, and learned...Met a guy named john, probably 75 years old, with so many stories to tell., owned a bbq take out joint in downtown Detroit from the mid=sixties til 1985. That was the year he quit,saying, "Only the drunk, foolish, or insane would own a business there"...hmmnn.....He said that the people changed, before, the night people were wild partiers, full of marijuana and alchol and sex...by the time he left, they were murderous....That is what makes me so sad to be an american....we have so much good, but, we are a society that takes violence as we do breathing, necessary for life.....if only we could widen our mentality to accept an attitude less accepting of violence as a way of life....
Just like sex.....we are such prudes, yet, we can show our children point blank murders on tv.....I would rather my children watched raw lovemaking then that...at least there would be some pleasure involved, not death and destruction....We are hypocritical anyway., because people just f..... in private, in shoddy little affairs, while we proclaim public morality.
WHEW! for a sleepy girl, what a rant !
Made my OWN first bbq of the season, still wearing my purple down jacket, lol. Big chunks of tenderloin beef, swewered with raw tomatos, red onion, tomatos, mushrooms and peppers.....Seasoned with wine,garlic, homemade mayonaise, coarse salt, fresh ground black pepper, lime, and a pinch of sugur....
Standing in the cold, watching the sunset, with the scent of spices and beef and lime,mnnnnn..Black as night Link, my 1st kitty, rolling in the new grass, pouncing on the first little moths...White as snow Coconut, my 2nd kitty, sniffing the beef, stalking the bbq, waiting for a bite...
Candlit dinner and great conversation with Justin, The swewered beef served over yellow rice, knowing in that moment as we laughed, and our eyes met, why i never give up loving my children, loving my life....
I will try to remember that, the next time he pisses me off.....
Tonight, early to bed, maybe a nice, long bath, with rich bubbles and candles, and my hair piled atop my head, then slip into my soft,lovely bed...To dream, to smile, and then, to sleep........

Thursday, April 01, 2004

"HOT TOWN, SUMMER IN THE CITY"
This post is dedicated to Aunt Patti, my Luna.
It was 1966, and i was a fat little girl with big dark eyes and an unbearable shyness. Aunt Patti was beautiful, a tiny, curvy sex bomb..with a geometric hairdo,long fingernails, and full, smiling lips.She lived in Brooklyn, i lived in maryland, with my mom, 2 sisters, and little brother, still in diapers.
That summer was hot, and my favorite song was by the little rascals...."hot town, summer in the city, back of my neck gone warm and gritty"I was blissfully unaware of the trouble ahead, as i played in the fields,looking for butterflies,and read my books...And then it all changed....Aunt Patti was there, in maryland, laden with coloring books and crayons, and water pistols...My mom disappeared, and i knew from the secretive whispers that my Dad was very sick, Aunt patti took care of us....It was so much fun! We shot each other with water pistols, and had mounds of bubbles in our baths....and though she couldnt cook, i was amazed at the hundreds of tiny, rock hard meatballs piled up like a pyramid, gelling in a mound of pasta. I missed my mother, wondering where she was, and Patti sat with me while i colored in my ballerina coloring book , and tucked me in tightat night.It was a magical visit, and, thru the years, i would realize that she often came to us that way, with a laugh and enthusiasm, never letting on what grownup troubles she was protecting us from.
She was only 16 that summer. She gave up her dates, her home, her freedom...to go to a little cowtown in maryland, because she loved her big sister, my mom, and her brother in law, my dad.
She came because she loved us, 4 wild children, quite the handful.
She came because my father was dying, and she gave us the gift of love, shielding us from the inevitable, for just one summer more.
I am rich, because she is a precious jewel in my life...and, i love her.
I love to write...It is like sex., sometimes it is so good, you never want to stop. Sometimes, you just don't want to. sometimes, you know you SHOULD want to, so, you pretend. and, sometimes, when you least expect to be inspired, overwhelmed, or crash over the cliff....you just do...........YEAHAAAAAA!
I just found out that i made 6% comission instead of 5! This is a real victory, because i was only 12 dollars short., and i just trusted God to take care of me instead of finagling the books to get there....Thanks, God.
Had a wonderful conversation with my brother today...I love him so much, sometimes i confuse him with my childrens names....he is my little brother, and, i always feel like he belongs close to my heart.....i suspect my sisters' feel the same way....
Well, i haven't written anything earth shattering... No perfect writing, no Nobel prize.... just like me.....surfing, sliding, loving, feeling.....Life.

What a luscious day! I have just come to realize that cooking is a meditation for me.Alone in my kitchen, listening to music, my mind roams and settles, and in action, i find peace. I made baked ziti, laughing the whole time, because i put kielbasa in it, and used jarred sauce...Oh, Grandma Mary, forgive me, you, of the pure kitchen, the kitchen that always started from scratch, but, i know it's going to be good....Good male food, full of ground beef, and sausage, saucy and spicy, topped with melted cheese. .What's not to love?
Then...homemade hummus.....a little delicacy i bought for myself...pureed chick peas, favorite of isrealis and arabs alike....only to find my boys loved it, ate it, and, left little for me....I couldnt resist making it homemade, the way i made when i was a young bride, full of international enthusiasm about the cuisines of the world....
Plain, with a bit of fresh garlic and lemon and olive oil., and then, as my music and fingers stirred me, the second batch with calamari and green olives, sundried tomatos, onion, and pepper...mnnnnn...The best part is that i know that Todd will love it., that son of mine that is a man, yet, always, my baby...my firstborn.
Of course, i can't leave out Justin....for him, fresh salsa., hot, with chunks of jalapeno, red onion, lush red tomatoes, and a big handful of cilantro....doused with lime, salt, and garlic....hmnn..maybe a shot of tequila next time????
The ziti just came out of the oven.....it smells like heaven....Probably weighs nine hundred pounds....give or take....
And just like running a marathon, the piece di resistance...Bar cookies, with peanut butter, chopped pecans and chocolate.....I will cut them in squares and put them on a footed dish, a solitary temptation when the meal is done.....I just previewed this post., and had to snicker....i meant calamata olives, not calamari(octopus) in the hummus....and my spelling, well, jeeesh, that is my beloved friend Flora's department...she is a whip with all that stuff.....even though she isn't English first speaking.....