Monday Afternoon~~
Well, i lost. Technically, that is. I beat Pat, which was my main objective. I wanted to topple him from his unbeatable stand, best salesman for 10 months. I knew his rein would be shaky, once the playing field was leveled. He has finagled, fibbed, and and flaunted the rules Garry and I have gone by for months. The boss cracked down on him hard, and it is showing in his sales.
Garry beat me by 350.00 dollars. It wasn't too hard to swallow, because i know he did it fairly. Still, the competitve streak is pulsing within me. I wanted to win! I shook hands and played nice, just like a good girl.
I am going to go outside and plant sunflowers. Mammoth Russian, Halo, Evening Sun, and Teddy bear. One big, flamboyant garden dedicated to my last hurrah here in Michigan.
Tomorrow starts a new month. I plan to beat them ALL by 5,000 dollars at the very least. Later.
Monday, May 31, 2004
Memorial Day Morning~~
To so many americans, memorial day just means the official opening day of summer. i don't think we have the national patriotism that lets us really reflect on the memory of those who served to keep us free. Money always seems to get in the way...Memorial Day sales everywhere. We would be better served to close EVERYTHING. Give people time off to reflect, to pray, to really remember, instead of it being one more bullshit day of commercialism. I'm anxious about terrorist attacks today, too. What better day to strike? Since 911, holidays always bring to mind that terrible day, when i coulndt reach my sister or aunt in Manhattan, when the skies over detroit were eerily quiet with grounded planes, and i lost my innocence about homeland security.
And i, a foot-dragging part of the american machinery, have to work today. I am only fifty dollars away from victory as top salesperson, but it doesnt seem to mean so much anymore. Today, in my heart, as i am on the public stage, i will remember those that have died to keep me free, and pray for peace. Not peace to propagate the american way, but peace for all. We are one big sandbox of children, scrabbling for the best place to sit and the best toy. I suppose i have the naivity of a child myself. Why can't we all just share?
off to work i go.....
To so many americans, memorial day just means the official opening day of summer. i don't think we have the national patriotism that lets us really reflect on the memory of those who served to keep us free. Money always seems to get in the way...Memorial Day sales everywhere. We would be better served to close EVERYTHING. Give people time off to reflect, to pray, to really remember, instead of it being one more bullshit day of commercialism. I'm anxious about terrorist attacks today, too. What better day to strike? Since 911, holidays always bring to mind that terrible day, when i coulndt reach my sister or aunt in Manhattan, when the skies over detroit were eerily quiet with grounded planes, and i lost my innocence about homeland security.
And i, a foot-dragging part of the american machinery, have to work today. I am only fifty dollars away from victory as top salesperson, but it doesnt seem to mean so much anymore. Today, in my heart, as i am on the public stage, i will remember those that have died to keep me free, and pray for peace. Not peace to propagate the american way, but peace for all. We are one big sandbox of children, scrabbling for the best place to sit and the best toy. I suppose i have the naivity of a child myself. Why can't we all just share?
off to work i go.....
Sunday, May 30, 2004
Sunday Morning~
Redbird!Alone on a phone wire,staring directly at me. I felt him before i saw him,and we looked in each other's eyes a full minute before he flew away. Cardinals are my mother's signal to me. Lately i keep running into Lilies of the Valley, too, her favorite flower...a tiny teacup at a garage sale,a vase at the discount store,a delicately etched sugur/creamer set. What is she trying to tell me? Just her presence is enough, but this time it's something more. Tonight, i am going to make a campfire in the yard, stay still and look into the flames, and hope for an answer...
The walk in the yard, the trimming and planting refreshed me. Time for a shower, and work.....
Redbird!Alone on a phone wire,staring directly at me. I felt him before i saw him,and we looked in each other's eyes a full minute before he flew away. Cardinals are my mother's signal to me. Lately i keep running into Lilies of the Valley, too, her favorite flower...a tiny teacup at a garage sale,a vase at the discount store,a delicately etched sugur/creamer set. What is she trying to tell me? Just her presence is enough, but this time it's something more. Tonight, i am going to make a campfire in the yard, stay still and look into the flames, and hope for an answer...
The walk in the yard, the trimming and planting refreshed me. Time for a shower, and work.....
Sunday Morning~~
Woke up this morning achy and sore and tired. Not good! No choice but to go with the flow, anyway. Two days left of sales. It was my Saturday to get off early yesterday, and I took it. It was a dangerous thing to do, with the race for top salesman so close. I left it in God's hands and came home to work in the yard and be with the kids. T. babysat his girlfriend's little ones last night. I couldn't resist going to the store and buying a huge red ball for Leticia, and a toddler ball and bat for Diego.Couldn't resist buying them cookies and juice and snacks, either.That was the sum of my involvement, though. I let T. follow his path, and play daddy. I heard Diego crying at one point, and just smiled. Todd would come up and get me if he needed help. To his credit, he didn't.
All and all, a peaceful night, dedicated to making the house neat and pretty, and enjoying my family in the process.
It's the perfect day to lay in bed and dream. Oh well, might as well make the most of it. Outside to look at my flowers, and then on to work i go. later.
Woke up this morning achy and sore and tired. Not good! No choice but to go with the flow, anyway. Two days left of sales. It was my Saturday to get off early yesterday, and I took it. It was a dangerous thing to do, with the race for top salesman so close. I left it in God's hands and came home to work in the yard and be with the kids. T. babysat his girlfriend's little ones last night. I couldn't resist going to the store and buying a huge red ball for Leticia, and a toddler ball and bat for Diego.Couldn't resist buying them cookies and juice and snacks, either.That was the sum of my involvement, though. I let T. follow his path, and play daddy. I heard Diego crying at one point, and just smiled. Todd would come up and get me if he needed help. To his credit, he didn't.
All and all, a peaceful night, dedicated to making the house neat and pretty, and enjoying my family in the process.
It's the perfect day to lay in bed and dream. Oh well, might as well make the most of it. Outside to look at my flowers, and then on to work i go. later.
Saturday, May 29, 2004
Saturday Morning~~
It's goregeous outside, one of those crystal clear days, when everything seems in sharper focus,brighter.I am listening to Clannad,a celtic group. I don't want to go back to work today. I don't want to look at any of their faces,I don't want to hear any of their voices, and i don't want to be on the selling stage. This is a bad attitude, and it's going to take alot of prayer to change the way i am feeling. Suddenly, i am reminded of one of my many past jobs. I was 28,living in Florida. Todd was a baby, and i got a job in a fancy bar down near the racetrack.The bartenders there made a ton of money, but there was a catch. We were all attractive women, and the uniform was a tiny little bikini that i could hold in one hand. I hated it! I hated having to flirt for my money, and especially hated bending over, because everytime i did, something threatened to fall out. I would drag myself to work, getting in at the last possible second,and fly out the door at the earliest moment. I lasted 5 days., even though i really needed the money, and had no other job lined up. Maybe the lesson there was to follow my heart, to not be afraid, because something better will come up. It's harder now, because experience makes me more cautious about throwing things to the wind. I am still going to, though....only this time, i will have a backup. Into the shower i go, to wash away my negativity, and whisper affirmations under the warmth of the water...later.
It's goregeous outside, one of those crystal clear days, when everything seems in sharper focus,brighter.I am listening to Clannad,a celtic group. I don't want to go back to work today. I don't want to look at any of their faces,I don't want to hear any of their voices, and i don't want to be on the selling stage. This is a bad attitude, and it's going to take alot of prayer to change the way i am feeling. Suddenly, i am reminded of one of my many past jobs. I was 28,living in Florida. Todd was a baby, and i got a job in a fancy bar down near the racetrack.The bartenders there made a ton of money, but there was a catch. We were all attractive women, and the uniform was a tiny little bikini that i could hold in one hand. I hated it! I hated having to flirt for my money, and especially hated bending over, because everytime i did, something threatened to fall out. I would drag myself to work, getting in at the last possible second,and fly out the door at the earliest moment. I lasted 5 days., even though i really needed the money, and had no other job lined up. Maybe the lesson there was to follow my heart, to not be afraid, because something better will come up. It's harder now, because experience makes me more cautious about throwing things to the wind. I am still going to, though....only this time, i will have a backup. Into the shower i go, to wash away my negativity, and whisper affirmations under the warmth of the water...later.
Friday, May 28, 2004
Friday Night~~
i am wearing my favorite nightgown, barest of pink from endless washings, with 20 little seed pearls sown into the bodice. Rikk's heavy white robe is sashed around my waist, to warm me against the chill spring air and to feel him close.
The asian fish recipe never had a chance. My neighbor, Barb, has been begged me for some stuffed cabbage, ever since i brought her some last winter. They are so good and kind to me, that, it was time to return the favor. Besides, i LOVE to feed people. I made mine special, without the rice, to stick to my diet., but, the mashed potatoes lured me in with their wicked creamyness, and seduced me with their taste.
Oh, well...i wanted to be a nun once, too...but i bet i would have broken THOSE vows, too. Now my belly is full, and if i was a cat I'd be purring. It's okay, i am seeing this more as a lifestyle, not a diet., and i will be damned if i give up mashed potatoes forever.
The boys ate, and left...J. is going camping, T. is going gallivanting.I am content in my clean, quiet house, with just the birds quietly saying goodnight to the day, and my water in my favorite crystal goblet.I am going to grab the kitten and go snuggle up....a long, peaceful sleep, because tomorrow, well tomorrow, who knows? Later.
i am wearing my favorite nightgown, barest of pink from endless washings, with 20 little seed pearls sown into the bodice. Rikk's heavy white robe is sashed around my waist, to warm me against the chill spring air and to feel him close.
The asian fish recipe never had a chance. My neighbor, Barb, has been begged me for some stuffed cabbage, ever since i brought her some last winter. They are so good and kind to me, that, it was time to return the favor. Besides, i LOVE to feed people. I made mine special, without the rice, to stick to my diet., but, the mashed potatoes lured me in with their wicked creamyness, and seduced me with their taste.
Oh, well...i wanted to be a nun once, too...but i bet i would have broken THOSE vows, too. Now my belly is full, and if i was a cat I'd be purring. It's okay, i am seeing this more as a lifestyle, not a diet., and i will be damned if i give up mashed potatoes forever.
The boys ate, and left...J. is going camping, T. is going gallivanting.I am content in my clean, quiet house, with just the birds quietly saying goodnight to the day, and my water in my favorite crystal goblet.I am going to grab the kitten and go snuggle up....a long, peaceful sleep, because tomorrow, well tomorrow, who knows? Later.
Friday, early evening~~
No one is home! i feel like whispering, at the very least, blogging naked, if i was truly bold. The sun has returned, glorious, slipped in between my heart like a crafty lover. I didn't see it coming, because i did clean and scrub and meditate. Meditating while having one's bum high in the air, scrubbing floors, might be unorthodox, but, it sure is time efficient. I thought about what i wanted to write about, and instead i just let myself dream...I saw Todd teaching, with little ones around him, all tall gangly arms and legs askimbo,a briefcase in his hand. I saw Justin with a doorag on his head, fingers intent on his guitar strings, with the desert behind him. I saw Rikk, paintspattered overalls and 50's doowop blaring, as he made history come to life on an old brick wall.Were these prayers? Were these visions? Probably both. I do know to dream is to breathe into existence...and with that thought, i will dream for all those that i love.,that they achieve more than their most secret, wildest desires.
Me? i cannot get past walking on the beach. I can feel the grit of the sand, i can hear the surf, i smell the sharp salt. I feel like a seed, just realizing i am awake, not yet pushing my way through the earth. I just know that i am headed up.
Later....
No one is home! i feel like whispering, at the very least, blogging naked, if i was truly bold. The sun has returned, glorious, slipped in between my heart like a crafty lover. I didn't see it coming, because i did clean and scrub and meditate. Meditating while having one's bum high in the air, scrubbing floors, might be unorthodox, but, it sure is time efficient. I thought about what i wanted to write about, and instead i just let myself dream...I saw Todd teaching, with little ones around him, all tall gangly arms and legs askimbo,a briefcase in his hand. I saw Justin with a doorag on his head, fingers intent on his guitar strings, with the desert behind him. I saw Rikk, paintspattered overalls and 50's doowop blaring, as he made history come to life on an old brick wall.Were these prayers? Were these visions? Probably both. I do know to dream is to breathe into existence...and with that thought, i will dream for all those that i love.,that they achieve more than their most secret, wildest desires.
Me? i cannot get past walking on the beach. I can feel the grit of the sand, i can hear the surf, i smell the sharp salt. I feel like a seed, just realizing i am awake, not yet pushing my way through the earth. I just know that i am headed up.
Later....
Friday Morning~~
YEAHHHH a day off...The skies are sullen,toxic gray, but i don't care. My house is filthy, from 4 days of minimal housekeeping, but i don't care. I will scrub and shine and use it as a meditation..a mental springboard to write with. I wanted to go to canada for the day, but it's just too complicated to do without a good car, just for the day. Better to go next week, with 2 days to do it.
Going to shop for a nice fresh fish for dinner. I am going to put slivers of ginger and garlic and scallion into the flesh, then marinate it in soy and wine. At least, that's the plan at 8:30 am!
I will be back.....later
YEAHHHH a day off...The skies are sullen,toxic gray, but i don't care. My house is filthy, from 4 days of minimal housekeeping, but i don't care. I will scrub and shine and use it as a meditation..a mental springboard to write with. I wanted to go to canada for the day, but it's just too complicated to do without a good car, just for the day. Better to go next week, with 2 days to do it.
Going to shop for a nice fresh fish for dinner. I am going to put slivers of ginger and garlic and scallion into the flesh, then marinate it in soy and wine. At least, that's the plan at 8:30 am!
I will be back.....later
Thursday, May 27, 2004
Thursday Night~~
Writing really fast here, chores and kids and cats on my heels. WHAT a day from HELL...lololol...New policies, new procedures., repulsive place to work. I kept it together, didn't walk out like all my nerve endings told me to....got to stick to the plan....
Even if i can't write another word tonight, i am happy. I got a little bit in...Still in the lead., wrote about 4,000 today! Later, always later....
Writing really fast here, chores and kids and cats on my heels. WHAT a day from HELL...lololol...New policies, new procedures., repulsive place to work. I kept it together, didn't walk out like all my nerve endings told me to....got to stick to the plan....
Even if i can't write another word tonight, i am happy. I got a little bit in...Still in the lead., wrote about 4,000 today! Later, always later....
Thursday Morning~~
I am amazed that i have taken pen in hand over 70 times. I wonder who reads this, i wonder what secrets i reveal. i wonder why i do it, and i have no clear answers.
I frenchbraided my hair for work today, something i haven't done in a long time. I think it means business, lol. None of my curling locks to interfere now that i am in the final stages of the race for best salesperson. Inside track...Debbie just called me and gave me the latest numbers...i am ahead by 2,000 dollars...This is so close i can feel the tingle.
I am amazed how much better i look and feel with some of the extra pounds off. yipeeeeee!!!!!!!!! Not gonna stop until i am in my skinny clothes again.
I guess amazed is my word for the day...I think it is because i woke up with a sense of excitement...what challenges will the day bring? what beauty will my eyes find? I am going outside to look at my poppies and irises...to drink in the emerald green of the grass, and look for flowers on the tomatoes....to feel the sun on my face, if just for a moment...Then, off to the races! later.........
I am amazed that i have taken pen in hand over 70 times. I wonder who reads this, i wonder what secrets i reveal. i wonder why i do it, and i have no clear answers.
I frenchbraided my hair for work today, something i haven't done in a long time. I think it means business, lol. None of my curling locks to interfere now that i am in the final stages of the race for best salesperson. Inside track...Debbie just called me and gave me the latest numbers...i am ahead by 2,000 dollars...This is so close i can feel the tingle.
I am amazed how much better i look and feel with some of the extra pounds off. yipeeeeee!!!!!!!!! Not gonna stop until i am in my skinny clothes again.
I guess amazed is my word for the day...I think it is because i woke up with a sense of excitement...what challenges will the day bring? what beauty will my eyes find? I am going outside to look at my poppies and irises...to drink in the emerald green of the grass, and look for flowers on the tomatoes....to feel the sun on my face, if just for a moment...Then, off to the races! later.........
Wednesday, May 26, 2004
Wednesday Night~~
This is usually the start of my weekend, but, because i had last Sunday off., i work one more day. I gave this day to God, letting go of any anxious thoughts of my sales, my life. I gave up my daily calculations and assessments, and just let God do the driving. I wish i could do it everyday, but i guess i am not spiritually advanced enough. I had amazing sales today, over my quota. Was it because my prayers were answered? Or was it just that i was relaxed enough not to worry about them? Who knows..but, i choose to feel blessed. At the end of the day, Pat's sales came fast and hard, and he beat me. I started to doubt that God was taking care of me, but, i remembered my prayer, that whatever happened was in God's hands., and i let go of it. I found myself happy for him, crazy as it seems, and finished up cheerful and thankful for my own good sales.
The best part of my day? I had alot of lovely little moments, like toes in a warm puddle after the rain, but the best was holding my kitten when i got home.I felt his tawny little fur, and stroked him as he lay against my chest and purred. So tiny, so soft, so happy just for the warmth of my skin and the beating of my heart. I felt myself slip into an exquisite peace, and only put him down to type. We can heal ourselves, if we just take the ingredients we have, and combine them into happiness.
The next time i am raging, or sorrowing, or doubting, i will reread this post, and remember my own wisdom...later...........
This is usually the start of my weekend, but, because i had last Sunday off., i work one more day. I gave this day to God, letting go of any anxious thoughts of my sales, my life. I gave up my daily calculations and assessments, and just let God do the driving. I wish i could do it everyday, but i guess i am not spiritually advanced enough. I had amazing sales today, over my quota. Was it because my prayers were answered? Or was it just that i was relaxed enough not to worry about them? Who knows..but, i choose to feel blessed. At the end of the day, Pat's sales came fast and hard, and he beat me. I started to doubt that God was taking care of me, but, i remembered my prayer, that whatever happened was in God's hands., and i let go of it. I found myself happy for him, crazy as it seems, and finished up cheerful and thankful for my own good sales.
The best part of my day? I had alot of lovely little moments, like toes in a warm puddle after the rain, but the best was holding my kitten when i got home.I felt his tawny little fur, and stroked him as he lay against my chest and purred. So tiny, so soft, so happy just for the warmth of my skin and the beating of my heart. I felt myself slip into an exquisite peace, and only put him down to type. We can heal ourselves, if we just take the ingredients we have, and combine them into happiness.
The next time i am raging, or sorrowing, or doubting, i will reread this post, and remember my own wisdom...later...........
Wednesday Morning~~
The sky is painted blue! Amazing how just a color can make me feel so good.My poppies are wide open, orange,smiling up at the sun.When i move, i am taking a bit of my michigan garden with me. Some angelique tulips, and stately yellow emperor tulips, and, and, well, a little bit of all my plant babies, to continue the cycle of where i have been and where i am going.
I should be doing morning chores, but i don't care. They can wait, my writing can't. I can feel my mind honing in on my goals,like a bee to honey. I am tightening my resolve, and figuring out the practicalities of the move while my dreams soar. Central to it all is mornings walking the beach alone, listening to the secrets of the sea,my mantra to life. How could i have been away from it for so long?
I met a rich woman at work yesterday. She came in with a friend,cranky and arrogant, because she had an idea for her guest room that no salesperson seemed to be able to help with. I saw it in her head, i created an option by my own experience and creativity, and made the sale. What most interested me was the offhand way she spent money. I think i would like to live like that! She didnt want delivery until late June, because she was going to Europe on holiday..We started talking about the netherlands, and i felt wistful and a bit jeolous. Soon she was jotting down my travel suggestions, so i hope she likes the red light district and the oldest tavern in amsterdam!
I would have given her Floor's telephone number, but i didn't like the lady enough...oops...not even in the shower yet, and that's one thing i can't do without....later.
The sky is painted blue! Amazing how just a color can make me feel so good.My poppies are wide open, orange,smiling up at the sun.When i move, i am taking a bit of my michigan garden with me. Some angelique tulips, and stately yellow emperor tulips, and, and, well, a little bit of all my plant babies, to continue the cycle of where i have been and where i am going.
I should be doing morning chores, but i don't care. They can wait, my writing can't. I can feel my mind honing in on my goals,like a bee to honey. I am tightening my resolve, and figuring out the practicalities of the move while my dreams soar. Central to it all is mornings walking the beach alone, listening to the secrets of the sea,my mantra to life. How could i have been away from it for so long?
I met a rich woman at work yesterday. She came in with a friend,cranky and arrogant, because she had an idea for her guest room that no salesperson seemed to be able to help with. I saw it in her head, i created an option by my own experience and creativity, and made the sale. What most interested me was the offhand way she spent money. I think i would like to live like that! She didnt want delivery until late June, because she was going to Europe on holiday..We started talking about the netherlands, and i felt wistful and a bit jeolous. Soon she was jotting down my travel suggestions, so i hope she likes the red light district and the oldest tavern in amsterdam!
I would have given her Floor's telephone number, but i didn't like the lady enough...oops...not even in the shower yet, and that's one thing i can't do without....later.
Tuesday, May 25, 2004
Tuesday Night~~
I am going to find a way to write everyday, somehow, someway. I can move something, prioritize something., but, there's got to be a way.
Today work was just one, big, blah,blah, blah....The customer service is changing as the owner pinches his pennies. I don't really know the business ins and outs, but, i do know that you should bend over backwards to please in a retail operation. He's missing that key point. It's whoredom, really. The salespeople work powerfully to convince the client how well we will take care of them, and then, as soon as the money is on the dresser...well, somehow the caring gets misplaced like a spent condom.
During my emotional storms,intwined with the storms outside the window, i found the perfect comfort meal.So here goes, all those sore of heart, and carb deprived...this is too good not to taste.Lisa
s Chicken and Dumplings.
Cook a whole chicken in canned chicken broth(if u don't have your own homemade).Simmer it gently, turning several times, with 2 bay leaves, fresh ground pepper, a large onion, coarsely chopped, two big handfuls of baby carrots, and a good pinch each of kosher salt and thyme. When it is softened and cooked(i let it go 2 hours)Take the chicken out of the pot and cool while u make the dumplings. Put 1 and 1/2 cups of flour in a bowl with 1/2 cup yellow cornmeal, a teaspoon of baking soda, a tablespoon of baking powder and a 1/2 teaspoon of salt. Mix it with your fingers. Add 1/4 cup of fresh chopped parsley,and 1/4 cup fresh basil to dry mix. (use your instinct on how much...you want a nice sprinkle of green).
Now...take the chicken off the bone, and return chicken to pot. Bring broth to boil, and add enough half and half and flour, that has been shaken well in a jar, to broth. Use your judgement, you are looking for a thin to medium consistancy gravy.
Finish the dumplings..mix one cup plus about 3 tablespoons half and half to the dry mix, stirring with a fork until just blended. Drop generous tablespoons of dumpling onto the just boiling broth.(after the first couple, reduce the heat). when they are all in the pot, cover, and cook for NINE minutes, with the lid on. DONT LOOK DONT CHECK ..just trust they will be perfect. After the nine minutes, turn off the heat. Set the table, turn on the simpsons, pour your wine, whatever...because now dinner is ready...in one pot, fragrant, filling, sublime. A peasant meal that kings would ransom. Bon appetite.
I am going to find a way to write everyday, somehow, someway. I can move something, prioritize something., but, there's got to be a way.
Today work was just one, big, blah,blah, blah....The customer service is changing as the owner pinches his pennies. I don't really know the business ins and outs, but, i do know that you should bend over backwards to please in a retail operation. He's missing that key point. It's whoredom, really. The salespeople work powerfully to convince the client how well we will take care of them, and then, as soon as the money is on the dresser...well, somehow the caring gets misplaced like a spent condom.
During my emotional storms,intwined with the storms outside the window, i found the perfect comfort meal.So here goes, all those sore of heart, and carb deprived...this is too good not to taste.Lisa
s Chicken and Dumplings.
Cook a whole chicken in canned chicken broth(if u don't have your own homemade).Simmer it gently, turning several times, with 2 bay leaves, fresh ground pepper, a large onion, coarsely chopped, two big handfuls of baby carrots, and a good pinch each of kosher salt and thyme. When it is softened and cooked(i let it go 2 hours)Take the chicken out of the pot and cool while u make the dumplings. Put 1 and 1/2 cups of flour in a bowl with 1/2 cup yellow cornmeal, a teaspoon of baking soda, a tablespoon of baking powder and a 1/2 teaspoon of salt. Mix it with your fingers. Add 1/4 cup of fresh chopped parsley,and 1/4 cup fresh basil to dry mix. (use your instinct on how much...you want a nice sprinkle of green).
Now...take the chicken off the bone, and return chicken to pot. Bring broth to boil, and add enough half and half and flour, that has been shaken well in a jar, to broth. Use your judgement, you are looking for a thin to medium consistancy gravy.
Finish the dumplings..mix one cup plus about 3 tablespoons half and half to the dry mix, stirring with a fork until just blended. Drop generous tablespoons of dumpling onto the just boiling broth.(after the first couple, reduce the heat). when they are all in the pot, cover, and cook for NINE minutes, with the lid on. DONT LOOK DONT CHECK ..just trust they will be perfect. After the nine minutes, turn off the heat. Set the table, turn on the simpsons, pour your wine, whatever...because now dinner is ready...in one pot, fragrant, filling, sublime. A peasant meal that kings would ransom. Bon appetite.
Monday, May 24, 2004
Monday Night~
Fatherless Girlchild.
For that's what i was. If you read the pschology books, puberty is pretty much the most dangerous time for a girl to lose her father. Add to the mix a very sensitive, emotional girl-child, with an older sister who is assertive and actively maintaining her place as the established favorite, and you have a lethal mix that can derail all but the strongest of intimate relationships.
I might be strong, i might be independent, yet, when the storms come, i want my daddy. I don't want him away on a business trip, I don't want him unavailable, for any reason. I want him to lean on, to save me, to hold me until the sun returns.
Impossible? yes. Irrational? yes. It is the same as the many times i have prayed,begged, for help from God. Desperate calls for comfort, yet recieved no reply.and not being able to fathom the reason that He says no.
Father, God, Savior??? It is an impossible task, akin to me telling my child at three that he cannot have the sun, or the sky, to hold in his hand or save in his pocket...
So, what are the options when you are reverting back to childhood? When u want your daddy, and nothing else will do? Mine has always been to withdraw, to close in on myself, to cloak myself invisible, until the rain and wind and fear passes, and i can take care of myself once more.
But there is a price to pay. While withdrawing, God, or Father, or Lover, must sit by and agonize, waiting for me to realize that it's not their fault, it's just Life.
I don't think i will ever get over the loss of my father. But i think i can find a workable solution. Feel the pain, and stay open. Don't close out those i love. Because without them, what is life worth?
Fatherless Girlchild.
For that's what i was. If you read the pschology books, puberty is pretty much the most dangerous time for a girl to lose her father. Add to the mix a very sensitive, emotional girl-child, with an older sister who is assertive and actively maintaining her place as the established favorite, and you have a lethal mix that can derail all but the strongest of intimate relationships.
I might be strong, i might be independent, yet, when the storms come, i want my daddy. I don't want him away on a business trip, I don't want him unavailable, for any reason. I want him to lean on, to save me, to hold me until the sun returns.
Impossible? yes. Irrational? yes. It is the same as the many times i have prayed,begged, for help from God. Desperate calls for comfort, yet recieved no reply.and not being able to fathom the reason that He says no.
Father, God, Savior??? It is an impossible task, akin to me telling my child at three that he cannot have the sun, or the sky, to hold in his hand or save in his pocket...
So, what are the options when you are reverting back to childhood? When u want your daddy, and nothing else will do? Mine has always been to withdraw, to close in on myself, to cloak myself invisible, until the rain and wind and fear passes, and i can take care of myself once more.
But there is a price to pay. While withdrawing, God, or Father, or Lover, must sit by and agonize, waiting for me to realize that it's not their fault, it's just Life.
I don't think i will ever get over the loss of my father. But i think i can find a workable solution. Feel the pain, and stay open. Don't close out those i love. Because without them, what is life worth?
Monday Night~~~~
Saturday night brought more rain, torrential, in fact. The wind screamed, and the maples shook, and i fell asleep watching the lightening play against the darkness.I wasn't happy, anyway, because i tried to make last minute plans to be with Rikk, and it just didn't work out...i had Sunday off, the first in months, and i decided to make the best of it, and just enjoy the day gardening and puttering around the house.
I woke 3 times during the night, to more light shows and rain pelting against the window in a solid gray sheet.I sleep so solid, it must have been quite the storm,because usually nothing wakes me up.
I got up at 7am, and made my coffee. I heard Todd stirring downstairs in the basement, and then muffled curses. The basement flooded. The oriental rugs..saturated. The antique dresser, in a puddle. I wanted to cry. What a way to spend my day off. I felt cheated, pissed, and helpless. I called my friend, looking for a wet-vac, but her basement was flooded, too. I called home depot, looking for a portable sump-pump, but they were already out. So i went to K-mart, and bought a squeege, and squequed all the standing water on my hands and knees. Then i mopped it all, with bleach, to prevent mold. The boys helped., and hung the rugs on the fence. Inside i started to boil, that old, familiar rage against helplessness and aloneness. Where was my protector? where was my father??Because, i think, that's where it all started........
Saturday night brought more rain, torrential, in fact. The wind screamed, and the maples shook, and i fell asleep watching the lightening play against the darkness.I wasn't happy, anyway, because i tried to make last minute plans to be with Rikk, and it just didn't work out...i had Sunday off, the first in months, and i decided to make the best of it, and just enjoy the day gardening and puttering around the house.
I woke 3 times during the night, to more light shows and rain pelting against the window in a solid gray sheet.I sleep so solid, it must have been quite the storm,because usually nothing wakes me up.
I got up at 7am, and made my coffee. I heard Todd stirring downstairs in the basement, and then muffled curses. The basement flooded. The oriental rugs..saturated. The antique dresser, in a puddle. I wanted to cry. What a way to spend my day off. I felt cheated, pissed, and helpless. I called my friend, looking for a wet-vac, but her basement was flooded, too. I called home depot, looking for a portable sump-pump, but they were already out. So i went to K-mart, and bought a squeege, and squequed all the standing water on my hands and knees. Then i mopped it all, with bleach, to prevent mold. The boys helped., and hung the rugs on the fence. Inside i started to boil, that old, familiar rage against helplessness and aloneness. Where was my protector? where was my father??Because, i think, that's where it all started........
Friday, May 21, 2004
Friday Night~~
Just a little blog tonight...I am in a much better mood, what goes down, must go up., lol. Wicked, wicked storm here today, full of lightening and outraged blackness. As the barameter dropped, so did Justin's mood, and i watched him descend and swirl with the storm. But i wasn't having any of it. Enough is enough, and i let him work it out for himself. I forced him to take an online aptitude test., and when he balked, i looked him dead in the eye and told him it was HIS future, not mine...so, if he didn't want to do it, i was closing down the computer right then and there. He did it, liked it, and i felt i made some progress.He's whistling now, and just went to get pizza with his brother, and his girlfriend just called, so all is right with his world.
I gave coconut a bath. Coconut is huge, a great big white ball of supreme royal loving catness..He loves the outdoors, and i am not one to confine anyone, not even my pets...so, out he goes, and comes home splattered and dirty and happy. He should have been a calico, or some dirt hiding color. Oh well, he has to suffer the indignity of the occasional bath, when my mother's eyebrow raises, and everything in my path must be cleaned.
Into the tub he went, never suspecting that the mother he loves so much could be so cruel. I cooed and carressed as he did a slippery panic dance on the white enamel. I scrubbed harder, fascinated by how yellow and dirty his fur looked against the pristine bright tub. He handled it all well, until i conditioned him after his shampoo. It was the final indignity, and he made a gallant leap for freedom, up my bosum, over my shoulder, and half way down my back before i dragged him under the showerhead for a final rinse. The shampoo and conditioner? Coconut, of course.
PS he doesnt like the blowdryer much better. later.
Just a little blog tonight...I am in a much better mood, what goes down, must go up., lol. Wicked, wicked storm here today, full of lightening and outraged blackness. As the barameter dropped, so did Justin's mood, and i watched him descend and swirl with the storm. But i wasn't having any of it. Enough is enough, and i let him work it out for himself. I forced him to take an online aptitude test., and when he balked, i looked him dead in the eye and told him it was HIS future, not mine...so, if he didn't want to do it, i was closing down the computer right then and there. He did it, liked it, and i felt i made some progress.He's whistling now, and just went to get pizza with his brother, and his girlfriend just called, so all is right with his world.
I gave coconut a bath. Coconut is huge, a great big white ball of supreme royal loving catness..He loves the outdoors, and i am not one to confine anyone, not even my pets...so, out he goes, and comes home splattered and dirty and happy. He should have been a calico, or some dirt hiding color. Oh well, he has to suffer the indignity of the occasional bath, when my mother's eyebrow raises, and everything in my path must be cleaned.
Into the tub he went, never suspecting that the mother he loves so much could be so cruel. I cooed and carressed as he did a slippery panic dance on the white enamel. I scrubbed harder, fascinated by how yellow and dirty his fur looked against the pristine bright tub. He handled it all well, until i conditioned him after his shampoo. It was the final indignity, and he made a gallant leap for freedom, up my bosum, over my shoulder, and half way down my back before i dragged him under the showerhead for a final rinse. The shampoo and conditioner? Coconut, of course.
PS he doesnt like the blowdryer much better. later.
Thursday, May 20, 2004
ThursdayNite~~
I am gloomy again today, with so much on my plate that i have mental indigestion. I got the house cleaned, and cooked a pot roast and roasted a chicken, so i got the chores out of the way.
I had a very long talk with Rikk today, pretty rocky and tense. It seems like my life is slipping out of my control, and i hate that feeling. The reality is, NO ONE'S life is in control, we just strive for the illusion of it.
The outcome was good, though, because we can always talk our way through our upsets. He gentles me,quiets me, when my emotions are bursting, and i am very thankful for that.
I let go of all the rest of the stuff that i was planning on doing, and parked myself in front of the tv and watched old movies from the 40's most of the afternoon. Rare, very rare for me, but i got to cry at the old sentimental movies, and that is probably just what i needed.
I went red! Inbetween the tears and the post roast, i dyed my hair a rich auburn. It looks red inside the house, so i bet it's going to look like fire in the sunlight. Good. I need a boost right now.
Still losing weight, down 11lbs now. It isnt such a chore anymore, its just a choice. Maybe in a month i will be back to fighting weight again...hope so.
Talked to someone new about refinancing the house. I am instinctively liking this guy much better. I am glad i know a bit more about the process now, and what questions to ask. I will probably have his proposal tomorrow.
Have an appointment with the realtor next thursday. He is coming over and giving me instructions on what to do to the house to increase the profitability.I can work on that while i wait to see what happens with the maryland house. Either way it goes, it's going in a positive direction.
Tomorrow is bills, bills, bills, balance the check book...yukkkkk.
I will probably plant some more flowers and ride my bike, too, instead of more cleaning and organising. I need to do more happy things, fun things...because i feel like i am on an endless treadmill of work and more work, with little to show for it.
There i go, sliding back into moody blues, sigh...Well,tomorrow will be better......later.
I am gloomy again today, with so much on my plate that i have mental indigestion. I got the house cleaned, and cooked a pot roast and roasted a chicken, so i got the chores out of the way.
I had a very long talk with Rikk today, pretty rocky and tense. It seems like my life is slipping out of my control, and i hate that feeling. The reality is, NO ONE'S life is in control, we just strive for the illusion of it.
The outcome was good, though, because we can always talk our way through our upsets. He gentles me,quiets me, when my emotions are bursting, and i am very thankful for that.
I let go of all the rest of the stuff that i was planning on doing, and parked myself in front of the tv and watched old movies from the 40's most of the afternoon. Rare, very rare for me, but i got to cry at the old sentimental movies, and that is probably just what i needed.
I went red! Inbetween the tears and the post roast, i dyed my hair a rich auburn. It looks red inside the house, so i bet it's going to look like fire in the sunlight. Good. I need a boost right now.
Still losing weight, down 11lbs now. It isnt such a chore anymore, its just a choice. Maybe in a month i will be back to fighting weight again...hope so.
Talked to someone new about refinancing the house. I am instinctively liking this guy much better. I am glad i know a bit more about the process now, and what questions to ask. I will probably have his proposal tomorrow.
Have an appointment with the realtor next thursday. He is coming over and giving me instructions on what to do to the house to increase the profitability.I can work on that while i wait to see what happens with the maryland house. Either way it goes, it's going in a positive direction.
Tomorrow is bills, bills, bills, balance the check book...yukkkkk.
I will probably plant some more flowers and ride my bike, too, instead of more cleaning and organising. I need to do more happy things, fun things...because i feel like i am on an endless treadmill of work and more work, with little to show for it.
There i go, sliding back into moody blues, sigh...Well,tomorrow will be better......later.
Wednesday, May 19, 2004
Wednesday Morning~~
Not enough sleep the last few days, but i am feeling ok...The extra weight keeps sliding off, good thing i didnt give into my mashed potato fantasy last night.
I love the fact that i can rag-blog, whine and complain, here on this blog instead of to my friends and family. It gets it out of my system, and doesnt pollute anyone else with negativity.
This morning i am dancing in my seat to reggae, wiggling around to an island beat. I need to dance more....i think i will combine two favorite things tomorrow, and dance in the kitchen while i cook..
Time to run off to work. Today should be peaceful, with only D. and P. to work with. Divide and conquer, i always say. Its only when the whole gaggle are together that it gets too much.
later............
Not enough sleep the last few days, but i am feeling ok...The extra weight keeps sliding off, good thing i didnt give into my mashed potato fantasy last night.
I love the fact that i can rag-blog, whine and complain, here on this blog instead of to my friends and family. It gets it out of my system, and doesnt pollute anyone else with negativity.
This morning i am dancing in my seat to reggae, wiggling around to an island beat. I need to dance more....i think i will combine two favorite things tomorrow, and dance in the kitchen while i cook..
Time to run off to work. Today should be peaceful, with only D. and P. to work with. Divide and conquer, i always say. Its only when the whole gaggle are together that it gets too much.
later............
Tuesday, May 18, 2004
Tuesday Night~~
I am writing tonight with exhausted fingers and a tired brain..but three days without writing is WAY to much...
Today was a true day from hell at work, with D. running around playing "my shit don't stink" mgr.Garry, the so-called mgr had a day of. She pryed into everything, and though her point was valid, it was self serving and nasty.She made him look even more miserable and incompetent as a mgr then he is. P., Mr. Manipulator, rubbed his hands together in glee, and joined in the fun downgrading Garry, while the owner and his son,( my newly hatched trainee,) coupled with D. and P in an unholy orgy of Garry bashing.
While they let the blackness engulf them, i manned the phones, ringing, ringing, ringing, with customer problems and vendor lies, and sorted them out one by one, sometimes two by two, all the time longing for the day that i NEVER HAVE TO DO THIS AGAIN.
In my carbohydrate starved world, i could have jumped into a vat of warm mashed potatoes, slid through the warm butter on top, and never come out. Instead i gritted my teeth, held on, and made it thru the day.
One more day, and then a day off....I am sipping a glass of red wine, and it is rich as blood, thick, and delicious. I can feel the tension ebbing, quieting, and soon i will change out of these work clothes and into something loose and flowing....
They say that the negativity that you bitch about is a mirror of your own faults. God Help Me, if it is true....because it sure was ugly today..
Ah, well, there is always tomorrow........later.
I am writing tonight with exhausted fingers and a tired brain..but three days without writing is WAY to much...
Today was a true day from hell at work, with D. running around playing "my shit don't stink" mgr.Garry, the so-called mgr had a day of. She pryed into everything, and though her point was valid, it was self serving and nasty.She made him look even more miserable and incompetent as a mgr then he is. P., Mr. Manipulator, rubbed his hands together in glee, and joined in the fun downgrading Garry, while the owner and his son,( my newly hatched trainee,) coupled with D. and P in an unholy orgy of Garry bashing.
While they let the blackness engulf them, i manned the phones, ringing, ringing, ringing, with customer problems and vendor lies, and sorted them out one by one, sometimes two by two, all the time longing for the day that i NEVER HAVE TO DO THIS AGAIN.
In my carbohydrate starved world, i could have jumped into a vat of warm mashed potatoes, slid through the warm butter on top, and never come out. Instead i gritted my teeth, held on, and made it thru the day.
One more day, and then a day off....I am sipping a glass of red wine, and it is rich as blood, thick, and delicious. I can feel the tension ebbing, quieting, and soon i will change out of these work clothes and into something loose and flowing....
They say that the negativity that you bitch about is a mirror of your own faults. God Help Me, if it is true....because it sure was ugly today..
Ah, well, there is always tomorrow........later.
Saturday, May 15, 2004
Saturday Morning~~
Everything DOES seem better in the morning! I am back to determined warrior mode, ready for whatever challenges come my way. I am wearing my black suit, with a hotpink blouse,filmy flowered scarf, and my pearls.Hair down and wild and bright pink lipstick.
Made all my diet foods to bring to work with me, even though the PMS devil is making me crave cake and bread and chips. Today my 5,000 dollar customer told me to call, so, i might just hit the jackpot at work today.
Even thru all the emoting the last few days, i feel really good about all the cleaning, organizing and gardening i have done in two days. At least i put all that nervous energy to good use! And, as Rikk always says"it could be worse"....I prefer to take that statement as "count your blessings"
Talked my to little sis on the phone last night. Her daughter had made her crazy, and i just let her vent it all out. We ended up laughing over it all, ...just part of life...
Of to work i go..........later
Everything DOES seem better in the morning! I am back to determined warrior mode, ready for whatever challenges come my way. I am wearing my black suit, with a hotpink blouse,filmy flowered scarf, and my pearls.Hair down and wild and bright pink lipstick.
Made all my diet foods to bring to work with me, even though the PMS devil is making me crave cake and bread and chips. Today my 5,000 dollar customer told me to call, so, i might just hit the jackpot at work today.
Even thru all the emoting the last few days, i feel really good about all the cleaning, organizing and gardening i have done in two days. At least i put all that nervous energy to good use! And, as Rikk always says"it could be worse"....I prefer to take that statement as "count your blessings"
Talked my to little sis on the phone last night. Her daughter had made her crazy, and i just let her vent it all out. We ended up laughing over it all, ...just part of life...
Of to work i go..........later
Friday, May 14, 2004
Friday Night~~~
Well, must be a record...so many posts in one day! I almost depressed MYSELF, i sounded so melancoly today..But, i continued scrubbing, and tonight i sleep on clean, scented sheets, with a cool wind blowing in the window. I put Jesus back up, and put the house to rights again, bringing Rikk back to life. We talked today via msn, and even through the phone wires he calmed my emotions, and talked me down from my heart wire.
I am almost glad i work tomorrow. I can't afford such emotional excess too often...I guess that's why pressure cookers have gauges on them, and tight little lids....better to trap the steam and let it out in controlled timeframes...
Glass of water, vitamins, prayers, and bed....Later......
Well, must be a record...so many posts in one day! I almost depressed MYSELF, i sounded so melancoly today..But, i continued scrubbing, and tonight i sleep on clean, scented sheets, with a cool wind blowing in the window. I put Jesus back up, and put the house to rights again, bringing Rikk back to life. We talked today via msn, and even through the phone wires he calmed my emotions, and talked me down from my heart wire.
I am almost glad i work tomorrow. I can't afford such emotional excess too often...I guess that's why pressure cookers have gauges on them, and tight little lids....better to trap the steam and let it out in controlled timeframes...
Glass of water, vitamins, prayers, and bed....Later......
Friday Afternoon~~~
Justin,
love of my life...
Stop thinking.Stop dreaming.
For one moment, let go of You.
See the people who love you
Support you.
I write these things like a
dying woman.
though, i am not.
Take your brillance...run with it.
let go of fear
let go of anger.
Dance, tango, fly....
Decide to be
Happy.
Justin,
love of my life...
Stop thinking.Stop dreaming.
For one moment, let go of You.
See the people who love you
Support you.
I write these things like a
dying woman.
though, i am not.
Take your brillance...run with it.
let go of fear
let go of anger.
Dance, tango, fly....
Decide to be
Happy.
Friday Afternoon~~
Todd, you are
my sweetest accomplishment,
born of wonderment and disbelief.
They said i was barren, they said
he was too..
But you insisted, you desired,
born, with a fight.
I could have aborted you,
I could have said no,
but the woman in me,
Choose life.
So, son of mine,
heart of my heart,
do well and prosper,
Enterprise this life.
Todd, you are
my sweetest accomplishment,
born of wonderment and disbelief.
They said i was barren, they said
he was too..
But you insisted, you desired,
born, with a fight.
I could have aborted you,
I could have said no,
but the woman in me,
Choose life.
So, son of mine,
heart of my heart,
do well and prosper,
Enterprise this life.
Thursday, May 13, 2004
The storm is over outside. Here, inside, where the real storm is, i cannot get the kitchen light to turn on to do the dishes. The vaccumn cleaner broke, because i am the only one to clean the F....ing filters. The weedwacker needs some stupid gas/oil mixture, so, all the grass i cut today looks half assed. These are the things that men do to make up for their lack of sensitivity....and, so, now, my tears of sadness are mixed with anger.
It is only just shy of 7pm, and i just want to go to bed and sleep.I am tired, so tired. The next door neighbor found an injured squirrel, and she called ME to diagnose and treat. I saw that it was an internal injury, most likely hit by a car, and not going to make it. She called me over to see if it was sleeping, or dead. It was dead, and i buried it in an old towel under the lilac tree.
I am so tired.
It is only just shy of 7pm, and i just want to go to bed and sleep.I am tired, so tired. The next door neighbor found an injured squirrel, and she called ME to diagnose and treat. I saw that it was an internal injury, most likely hit by a car, and not going to make it. She called me over to see if it was sleeping, or dead. It was dead, and i buried it in an old towel under the lilac tree.
I am so tired.
Thursday Afternoon~~
I lost it today. Tears just keep falling out of my eyes. I took down the huge" Jesus Smiling " painting that Rikk made for me. I moved all the living room furniture. I put the dining room table in the corner,even though it looks like it is cowering. My home chai is screaming that i am already gone from here.
I have listened to nat king cole and sachimo over and over, while my hands scrubbed the floors and my eyes leaked. I listened to songs of love lost, and i lost myself. I have the strongest urge to just run, run so far and so fast that as i run, my responsibilites fall off me like leaves in an autumn storm.
Somehow i have to remember that he hasnt died, he just cant be with me for two years. I wish i had never met him!!!!!! I was really getting used to being alone. Ah, but , thats not true. I dont wish i had never met him, i just wish we were together.
A storm has just split the sky. I better get off before i fry this computer. I am going to keep cleaning, keep minimizing, keep crying, for a while more.
I lost it today. Tears just keep falling out of my eyes. I took down the huge" Jesus Smiling " painting that Rikk made for me. I moved all the living room furniture. I put the dining room table in the corner,even though it looks like it is cowering. My home chai is screaming that i am already gone from here.
I have listened to nat king cole and sachimo over and over, while my hands scrubbed the floors and my eyes leaked. I listened to songs of love lost, and i lost myself. I have the strongest urge to just run, run so far and so fast that as i run, my responsibilites fall off me like leaves in an autumn storm.
Somehow i have to remember that he hasnt died, he just cant be with me for two years. I wish i had never met him!!!!!! I was really getting used to being alone. Ah, but , thats not true. I dont wish i had never met him, i just wish we were together.
A storm has just split the sky. I better get off before i fry this computer. I am going to keep cleaning, keep minimizing, keep crying, for a while more.
Tuesday, May 11, 2004
Sunday, May 09, 2004
Sunday Morning~~
After my earlier post, i walked the backyard in the gray early morning mist. A owl hooted mournfully, and a redbird trilled backup. I went inside and got my keys, and drove over to Swan Park. I was all alone, and waiting for magic. I felt like i had stepped in an oriental watercolor,all awash in soft, damp green and blue. The sun came out as i walked,and the birds were like a marketplace opening, with shouted hellos as they got on with the business of the day. I walked to a tree massed with hot pink flowers, and rested their blossoms against my nose. Heavenly sweet,and the moisture captive from the night ran down my cheeks like tears. I felt my mother next to me, and we walked along the water's edge. I looked for the swans, absent this morning. And there they were, but not they, only one, swimming towards me. "where is your mate?" i asked quietly, feeling a bit crazy talking to a swan.. He just kept swimming closer to the shore. I stood my ground, hoping i wasn't near his nest, because they are fierce warriors protecting their families. He came within three feet of me, looked me dead in the eye, and slowly nodded his neck, turned and swam away. I walked on, filled with the sweet scent of spring, the warmth of the emerging sun, the song of the hundreds of birds. Nature's church...the glory of God in action.
Into the shower and off to work i go.....later.
After my earlier post, i walked the backyard in the gray early morning mist. A owl hooted mournfully, and a redbird trilled backup. I went inside and got my keys, and drove over to Swan Park. I was all alone, and waiting for magic. I felt like i had stepped in an oriental watercolor,all awash in soft, damp green and blue. The sun came out as i walked,and the birds were like a marketplace opening, with shouted hellos as they got on with the business of the day. I walked to a tree massed with hot pink flowers, and rested their blossoms against my nose. Heavenly sweet,and the moisture captive from the night ran down my cheeks like tears. I felt my mother next to me, and we walked along the water's edge. I looked for the swans, absent this morning. And there they were, but not they, only one, swimming towards me. "where is your mate?" i asked quietly, feeling a bit crazy talking to a swan.. He just kept swimming closer to the shore. I stood my ground, hoping i wasn't near his nest, because they are fierce warriors protecting their families. He came within three feet of me, looked me dead in the eye, and slowly nodded his neck, turned and swam away. I walked on, filled with the sweet scent of spring, the warmth of the emerging sun, the song of the hundreds of birds. Nature's church...the glory of God in action.
Into the shower and off to work i go.....later.
Sunday Morning~~
I love early morning writing time. Everyone else still asleep, the potent swirling of energies the boys create thankfully asleep, too. I missed Rikk so much last night. It was 8 oclock, and nobody was home but me. I wandered around restless, with an insane urge to eat and eat and eat. But all the bread in the world wouldn't have filled me, because what i really wanted was his arms around me. I realize it's a well worn self defense mechanism for me., to eat for emotional comfort, to fill myself up when i feel sad and empty. I did the next best thing, wrapped myself in my white down quilt, and got lost in a book with a sugur free fudgesickle. I am so glad i love to read. It has probably saved me from insanity all these years, through all the hard and harder times, because when i read i escape, i fly, i rest, until it's safe to return and try again. I fell asleep with my glasses down my nose, and my book in my hand. When i awoke, J and T. were standing over me, whispering wake up, mom....They wanted to give me the second half of my mother's day presents...
I closed my eyes and held out my hands, tingling like a child. What could they possibly give me that i didn't already have? How could they know what would make my heart sing?
But they did know, these men of mine. Two perfect agates, the size of my two fists together. Justin's was orange and fiery, Todd's blue and green..Both with one polished edge, the colors intense and glassy smooth. Did they know when they chose them that the colors reflected their personalities? One child of fire, my double Leo, one child of the sea, my pisces? Perhaps the best part was what they said..the true beauty of the agates was what was inside, just like me. I have to stop now. My heart is swelling, crowding my chest, and i finally feel full.Later..
I love early morning writing time. Everyone else still asleep, the potent swirling of energies the boys create thankfully asleep, too. I missed Rikk so much last night. It was 8 oclock, and nobody was home but me. I wandered around restless, with an insane urge to eat and eat and eat. But all the bread in the world wouldn't have filled me, because what i really wanted was his arms around me. I realize it's a well worn self defense mechanism for me., to eat for emotional comfort, to fill myself up when i feel sad and empty. I did the next best thing, wrapped myself in my white down quilt, and got lost in a book with a sugur free fudgesickle. I am so glad i love to read. It has probably saved me from insanity all these years, through all the hard and harder times, because when i read i escape, i fly, i rest, until it's safe to return and try again. I fell asleep with my glasses down my nose, and my book in my hand. When i awoke, J and T. were standing over me, whispering wake up, mom....They wanted to give me the second half of my mother's day presents...
I closed my eyes and held out my hands, tingling like a child. What could they possibly give me that i didn't already have? How could they know what would make my heart sing?
But they did know, these men of mine. Two perfect agates, the size of my two fists together. Justin's was orange and fiery, Todd's blue and green..Both with one polished edge, the colors intense and glassy smooth. Did they know when they chose them that the colors reflected their personalities? One child of fire, my double Leo, one child of the sea, my pisces? Perhaps the best part was what they said..the true beauty of the agates was what was inside, just like me. I have to stop now. My heart is swelling, crowding my chest, and i finally feel full.Later..
Saturday, May 08, 2004
Saturday Evening~~
Just got home from work a bit ago...SUPRISE!! The boys cleaned the house for Mother's Day..and Matt, unofficial son #3, brought over his blower and did the porch, and all the little helicopters from the maple trees in the front yard.
I seem to collect needy little girls...me, mother of only boys...Little 7 year old Morgan, newly moved in next door, has replaced the former 2 little girls next door. She runs for me as soon as my hand hits the car door home. Maybe it's because i let them pick my flowers? Tulips in the hand of a little girl are better then in a vase, anyway. I learn all about their mother's operations, boyfriends, and the boogiemen that plague their nights. I just got a call yesterday from the chef's wife at my former job...Their daughter, Sammy, became my littlest best buddy, and she is having emotional problems....Where in God's name will i find time to be with her, to listen, to talk? But i will....Maybe it's because i was such a little misfit myself. I can relate. I can empathize. I can listen, even if i can't make it all better. I think i am still a misfit. I don't feel normal, i dont think i even act normal. But when i love, i love with everything i have, and thats my path, i guess.
Got to get out of this suit, and in some jeans. No, maybe my dusty gardening sweats, because i have a date with morgan, planting the last of the white petunias...later.......
Just got home from work a bit ago...SUPRISE!! The boys cleaned the house for Mother's Day..and Matt, unofficial son #3, brought over his blower and did the porch, and all the little helicopters from the maple trees in the front yard.
I seem to collect needy little girls...me, mother of only boys...Little 7 year old Morgan, newly moved in next door, has replaced the former 2 little girls next door. She runs for me as soon as my hand hits the car door home. Maybe it's because i let them pick my flowers? Tulips in the hand of a little girl are better then in a vase, anyway. I learn all about their mother's operations, boyfriends, and the boogiemen that plague their nights. I just got a call yesterday from the chef's wife at my former job...Their daughter, Sammy, became my littlest best buddy, and she is having emotional problems....Where in God's name will i find time to be with her, to listen, to talk? But i will....Maybe it's because i was such a little misfit myself. I can relate. I can empathize. I can listen, even if i can't make it all better. I think i am still a misfit. I don't feel normal, i dont think i even act normal. But when i love, i love with everything i have, and thats my path, i guess.
Got to get out of this suit, and in some jeans. No, maybe my dusty gardening sweats, because i have a date with morgan, planting the last of the white petunias...later.......
Friday, May 07, 2004
Friday Morning~~~
It was supposed to rain today, and maybe it still will, but God has given me a blue-skied,sunshiny, glorious morning.Moonlight Adagio is playing as i write, a melody that has haunted me for years. Somewhere there is a memory of this song, because i feel it deep in my bones.
I never seem to do the typical. I lost 8 lbs in 5 days doing the damn South Beach diet, and haven't lost another lb. yet..Last night, after blogging, I sabatotoged my diet with my own good cooking. The boys love my macaroni salad, and it was the best batch ever. Noodles al dente, ultra creamy sauce with a spicy bite, and crisp little chop of red onion,green olives, and celery. I took a spoonful, then another, and the carb crave kicked in with a vengence. Well, i had eaten pasta, why not a pita chip? two. three. Well, after the pasta and pita, might as well go ALL the way. Two scoops of Death by Chocolate ice cream. I crawled into bed a South Beach Sinner, determined to repent,but very, very full and happy.
Jumped on the scale this morning, and NO weight gain. HA! Back to the diet today, like a good girl.
One more day without work, i could make a career out of not working, lol. Back to the car auction today, more work in the yard, and no more dragging my feet, i am going to throw stuff out. Later........
It was supposed to rain today, and maybe it still will, but God has given me a blue-skied,sunshiny, glorious morning.Moonlight Adagio is playing as i write, a melody that has haunted me for years. Somewhere there is a memory of this song, because i feel it deep in my bones.
I never seem to do the typical. I lost 8 lbs in 5 days doing the damn South Beach diet, and haven't lost another lb. yet..Last night, after blogging, I sabatotoged my diet with my own good cooking. The boys love my macaroni salad, and it was the best batch ever. Noodles al dente, ultra creamy sauce with a spicy bite, and crisp little chop of red onion,green olives, and celery. I took a spoonful, then another, and the carb crave kicked in with a vengence. Well, i had eaten pasta, why not a pita chip? two. three. Well, after the pasta and pita, might as well go ALL the way. Two scoops of Death by Chocolate ice cream. I crawled into bed a South Beach Sinner, determined to repent,but very, very full and happy.
Jumped on the scale this morning, and NO weight gain. HA! Back to the diet today, like a good girl.
One more day without work, i could make a career out of not working, lol. Back to the car auction today, more work in the yard, and no more dragging my feet, i am going to throw stuff out. Later........
Thursday, May 06, 2004
Thursday Night!!
Well, i was supposed to throw stuff out, instead i bought more. I went on a search for the perfect flowers for the front flower bed, the side flower bed, the flower bed by the back door, the old wooden barrel, the chair with the chipped enamal bowl....the vegetables..I went to 7 different places, so odd for me, because i am not just chosing for myself...I am chosing for the woman who buys my house. I want her to love walking outside early in the morning,i want her to heartsing to the purple and pink and candystriped petunias, I want her to pick juicy red tomatoes and fresh basil for her sauces...ah...i guess i just want her to enjoy this house, live this house, like ME.
For all i know, they will tear down this 1926 beauty, and build a crackerjack cutout, because of the proximity to the lake. Lake Elizabeth is the largest private lake in Oakland County, which is the richest county in Michigan.
Its so funny, i have always lived in the richest areas, and been poor! Ah, well....I don't need to own it to know the value or beauty of things, i just have to enjoy it...
Rikk is a silent ghost, walking with me. I miss his smile, his steady-ness, his partnership. I am making the transition from partner to warbride, and its a sad path.
I have bought a dress for Maryland. It is so pretty. White background, soft and flowing, with hotpink, lime green, orange flowers. It has a matching scarf, but, i am going to wind it into my hair. I hope the wind blows that day, because i know i will be swaying to the wind of a new life. I tried to pick out shoes, which is hard with my painful feet., because i want the highest of heels, and i know its just not practical. I asked for help from a big, black lady. I love the glorious sense of drama many black women have. They dont care if they weigh 120 or 210, they are going to look GOOD. In 3 seconds she had my shoes picked out, clucking over my foot problem, and understanding my need for sexy, sweet shoes. She nodded thoughtfully as i held the dress to the shoes...and proclaimed"Girl., you are looking goooooood." It was enough for me. THe whole outfit cost 30 dollars. Shoulda spent it on bills. Glad i spent it on me......Lataer..........
Well, i was supposed to throw stuff out, instead i bought more. I went on a search for the perfect flowers for the front flower bed, the side flower bed, the flower bed by the back door, the old wooden barrel, the chair with the chipped enamal bowl....the vegetables..I went to 7 different places, so odd for me, because i am not just chosing for myself...I am chosing for the woman who buys my house. I want her to love walking outside early in the morning,i want her to heartsing to the purple and pink and candystriped petunias, I want her to pick juicy red tomatoes and fresh basil for her sauces...ah...i guess i just want her to enjoy this house, live this house, like ME.
For all i know, they will tear down this 1926 beauty, and build a crackerjack cutout, because of the proximity to the lake. Lake Elizabeth is the largest private lake in Oakland County, which is the richest county in Michigan.
Its so funny, i have always lived in the richest areas, and been poor! Ah, well....I don't need to own it to know the value or beauty of things, i just have to enjoy it...
Rikk is a silent ghost, walking with me. I miss his smile, his steady-ness, his partnership. I am making the transition from partner to warbride, and its a sad path.
I have bought a dress for Maryland. It is so pretty. White background, soft and flowing, with hotpink, lime green, orange flowers. It has a matching scarf, but, i am going to wind it into my hair. I hope the wind blows that day, because i know i will be swaying to the wind of a new life. I tried to pick out shoes, which is hard with my painful feet., because i want the highest of heels, and i know its just not practical. I asked for help from a big, black lady. I love the glorious sense of drama many black women have. They dont care if they weigh 120 or 210, they are going to look GOOD. In 3 seconds she had my shoes picked out, clucking over my foot problem, and understanding my need for sexy, sweet shoes. She nodded thoughtfully as i held the dress to the shoes...and proclaimed"Girl., you are looking goooooood." It was enough for me. THe whole outfit cost 30 dollars. Shoulda spent it on bills. Glad i spent it on me......Lataer..........
Thursday Morning~~
I am finding myself in a familiar dilemma-- It's my day off, and i want to accomplish so much that i don't know where to start. I'm a dog chasing my tail, right now. Of course, i am old enough to also know the solution, make a list, review it, and number it in order of importance. I am starting to get to the wire now as far as my deadlines for putting the house up for sale. So today is going to be sorting day, what to keep, what to throw away, and what to sell.
Today i feel lonely, wishing for my aunt and sisters, to help me with this task. With them it would be fun, but all i feel is nostalgia. Well, nothing can be done about it. Time to get to work. Later........
I am finding myself in a familiar dilemma-- It's my day off, and i want to accomplish so much that i don't know where to start. I'm a dog chasing my tail, right now. Of course, i am old enough to also know the solution, make a list, review it, and number it in order of importance. I am starting to get to the wire now as far as my deadlines for putting the house up for sale. So today is going to be sorting day, what to keep, what to throw away, and what to sell.
Today i feel lonely, wishing for my aunt and sisters, to help me with this task. With them it would be fun, but all i feel is nostalgia. Well, nothing can be done about it. Time to get to work. Later........
Wednesday, May 05, 2004
Wednesday Morninig~~~
The last day of a long workweek. My sales have improved the last week, perhaps because of luck, but i chose to think it's because i am very focused on making money.
I am dealing with the seperation from Rikk. It is not easy, but, I will make it. I am looking forward, not past. I know what i have to do to sell the house, and, one step at a time, i will accomplish it. Somehow i have managed to stay on the South Beach Diet, still steady at 8 lbs lost in a week.
I am enjoying a special closeness with my family. We all live so very far apart, but there is an unshakable bond between us. I envision many happy holidays spent together in maryland, reducing the gap created by growning up and growing apart.
I have a definite yearning to walk the beach alone, to smell the sea, to taste the salt, to hear the lull of the waves, to pick up beach glass as i walk along.It will be very, very good. Goodbye, Michigan. I have done my time, fulfilled my purpose here, and am very ready for the next adventure.
The last day of a long workweek. My sales have improved the last week, perhaps because of luck, but i chose to think it's because i am very focused on making money.
I am dealing with the seperation from Rikk. It is not easy, but, I will make it. I am looking forward, not past. I know what i have to do to sell the house, and, one step at a time, i will accomplish it. Somehow i have managed to stay on the South Beach Diet, still steady at 8 lbs lost in a week.
I am enjoying a special closeness with my family. We all live so very far apart, but there is an unshakable bond between us. I envision many happy holidays spent together in maryland, reducing the gap created by growning up and growing apart.
I have a definite yearning to walk the beach alone, to smell the sea, to taste the salt, to hear the lull of the waves, to pick up beach glass as i walk along.It will be very, very good. Goodbye, Michigan. I have done my time, fulfilled my purpose here, and am very ready for the next adventure.
Monday, May 03, 2004
Monday Night~~~
i am getting tired of being the tower of strength and wisdom.Justin has required constant guidance, and Rikk is really depressed. When do I get to just mire in self pity and depression????
My next life i will probably live like a queen., because this one is pretty tough.I think i will just call it a day.....because, tomorrow, always tomorrow, will be better. sigh.
i am getting tired of being the tower of strength and wisdom.Justin has required constant guidance, and Rikk is really depressed. When do I get to just mire in self pity and depression????
My next life i will probably live like a queen., because this one is pretty tough.I think i will just call it a day.....because, tomorrow, always tomorrow, will be better. sigh.
Monday Morning~~
I have just returned from a walk around my yard. White pearblossom petals are drifting prettily from the tree next door, and the air is cold and clean. I see Rikk everywhere,from the bamboo stakes where he planted sunflowers to surprise me, to the swiss chard he planted next to the garage wall. I will have to put away his white bathrobe from the hook on my bedroom door, and take down my 21 mermaid pictures from the wall to my right. These reminders are just too painful to see.
Yes, life goes on. Mermaid in the current? More like mermaid in a typhoon, right now. The best thing to do in a typhoon is to ride the waves, not fight them, until calmer seas prevail. Love isn't lost from adversity, just strengthened.
Time to call in some favors. All the teenage boys I have mentored, given a place to live, and feed all these years can help me fix up the house. Starting with my own two sons. I WILL get the house sell-ready, and I WILL continue to work hard and make money, and find a way to be happy, not mournful, in the process.
It could be worse, it can always be worse! So, i will look to the future, and enjoy the pearblossoms, and ride out the typhoon with faith.
Later.........
I have just returned from a walk around my yard. White pearblossom petals are drifting prettily from the tree next door, and the air is cold and clean. I see Rikk everywhere,from the bamboo stakes where he planted sunflowers to surprise me, to the swiss chard he planted next to the garage wall. I will have to put away his white bathrobe from the hook on my bedroom door, and take down my 21 mermaid pictures from the wall to my right. These reminders are just too painful to see.
Yes, life goes on. Mermaid in the current? More like mermaid in a typhoon, right now. The best thing to do in a typhoon is to ride the waves, not fight them, until calmer seas prevail. Love isn't lost from adversity, just strengthened.
Time to call in some favors. All the teenage boys I have mentored, given a place to live, and feed all these years can help me fix up the house. Starting with my own two sons. I WILL get the house sell-ready, and I WILL continue to work hard and make money, and find a way to be happy, not mournful, in the process.
It could be worse, it can always be worse! So, i will look to the future, and enjoy the pearblossoms, and ride out the typhoon with faith.
Later.........
Saturday, May 01, 2004
The pie is on the table. I want to throw it, i want to hold it tight, i want it out of my sight. Rikk is not coming. He will probably never be back to this house. My heart is filling my chest, exploding out of my eyes. He was turned away at the border, threatened for three hours with jail and having the car impounded. He cannot return without a waiver for something trivial 25 years ago. A waiver, if approved, takes about 8 months to process.
I am alone again.
I am alone again.
Well, here i am again! Blogging is like a party to me. I guess we all think that we are the most interesting subject, lol.
I got out of work early, my Saturday to skip out...Had a very solid sales day, always a good omen to sell well the first day of the month. I am sticking to the South Beach Diet. It's amazing! Day 5, and i am down eight lbs.
Rikk's birthday pumpkin pie is in the oven, and he is on his way from Canada. I didn't have money for a gift, not really, but a homemade pie made with love isn't too shabby.
Spoke with my sister J. today. I was late for work because of our chat, but it was worth it. I knew she'd hear me calling telepathic-ly...she never fails. She seems very excited about the maryland house. The housewarming is taking on a life of its own. First it was just Doc, Jan and I...quietly.Now Georgie, Aunt Patti, Andrea, and Justin are coming.The Witches of Eastwick are gathering....This house will be a healing place, a connecting place, full of love, laughter, light. A place for family, and friends close enough to be family. I can see it.
The pie is perfect! Hot out of the oven, so fragrantly spicy. Just like me, wink,wink.
Later........
I got out of work early, my Saturday to skip out...Had a very solid sales day, always a good omen to sell well the first day of the month. I am sticking to the South Beach Diet. It's amazing! Day 5, and i am down eight lbs.
Rikk's birthday pumpkin pie is in the oven, and he is on his way from Canada. I didn't have money for a gift, not really, but a homemade pie made with love isn't too shabby.
Spoke with my sister J. today. I was late for work because of our chat, but it was worth it. I knew she'd hear me calling telepathic-ly...she never fails. She seems very excited about the maryland house. The housewarming is taking on a life of its own. First it was just Doc, Jan and I...quietly.Now Georgie, Aunt Patti, Andrea, and Justin are coming.The Witches of Eastwick are gathering....This house will be a healing place, a connecting place, full of love, laughter, light. A place for family, and friends close enough to be family. I can see it.
The pie is perfect! Hot out of the oven, so fragrantly spicy. Just like me, wink,wink.
Later........
Saturday Morning~~~
It is cool and rainy this morning, and i don't mind at all. Everything is a shade of green, a springtime salad good enough to eat.I have to go to work in a bit, but the house in quiet for once, so here i am.
Does everyone need time to be alone, to drawn within to regain strength? I think i could go months without speaking to a soul, and be happy. That is part of my enigma, because i truly enjoy people, and yet i am a loner at heart.
Yesterday that solitude was not to be had. I went to a car auction preview with J.Both boys need a car, so there i was, amidst rough and grumble mechanics and used car dealers, looking at cheap but decent cars for the boys. I guess i should have taken off my pearls before i went, perhaps they were a bit out of place.
Beneath their roughness and the F word sprinkled liberally in their conversations with me, i learned how the auction process works. They said "they'd be lookin' for the redhead with the wild hair" at the auction itself. That's at 10am today, so, i have to get to work, ask to leave for an hour, and go . Wonder if i will be able to pull THIS escapade off! I am a MOM, not a dad....but, then again, i guess i have been a little of both all these years, sigh.
Got back from the auction preview, and Todd asked if his construction buddies could come hang out in the backyard and drink a couple of beers. I gave a reluctant yes, (losing that solitude!). After an hour, i told him i couldnt take it anymore. They are all so, so ....male and loud!Their testosterone level is so high at 22 that i was afraid i'd grow a mustache just walking by.
Todd knew my patience was gone, and he swept me up in his arms and said"Dance with me, Momma". I was listening to Louie Armstrong, and we swayed and twirled and dipped to the big band beat. I looked up at my tall handsome son, my manchild, and my heart wept as i smiled. Where did my little boy go? I hope i have taught him well, the important things, to love, to laugh, to live...because i know he is ready to journey on. I will never forget our dance.
Off i go, to get ready for work.
It is cool and rainy this morning, and i don't mind at all. Everything is a shade of green, a springtime salad good enough to eat.I have to go to work in a bit, but the house in quiet for once, so here i am.
Does everyone need time to be alone, to drawn within to regain strength? I think i could go months without speaking to a soul, and be happy. That is part of my enigma, because i truly enjoy people, and yet i am a loner at heart.
Yesterday that solitude was not to be had. I went to a car auction preview with J.Both boys need a car, so there i was, amidst rough and grumble mechanics and used car dealers, looking at cheap but decent cars for the boys. I guess i should have taken off my pearls before i went, perhaps they were a bit out of place.
Beneath their roughness and the F word sprinkled liberally in their conversations with me, i learned how the auction process works. They said "they'd be lookin' for the redhead with the wild hair" at the auction itself. That's at 10am today, so, i have to get to work, ask to leave for an hour, and go . Wonder if i will be able to pull THIS escapade off! I am a MOM, not a dad....but, then again, i guess i have been a little of both all these years, sigh.
Got back from the auction preview, and Todd asked if his construction buddies could come hang out in the backyard and drink a couple of beers. I gave a reluctant yes, (losing that solitude!). After an hour, i told him i couldnt take it anymore. They are all so, so ....male and loud!Their testosterone level is so high at 22 that i was afraid i'd grow a mustache just walking by.
Todd knew my patience was gone, and he swept me up in his arms and said"Dance with me, Momma". I was listening to Louie Armstrong, and we swayed and twirled and dipped to the big band beat. I looked up at my tall handsome son, my manchild, and my heart wept as i smiled. Where did my little boy go? I hope i have taught him well, the important things, to love, to laugh, to live...because i know he is ready to journey on. I will never forget our dance.
Off i go, to get ready for work.
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