Saturday, November 27, 2004

It is a fabulous late fall day here at the beach, and i am ALONE!! Such a sweet word, today..even though last night was a little spooky..J. is up north with my sister and brotherinlaw, working with her business. The house is as i left it last night, no footsteps but my own...this must be what life is like without kids..Last night i did the female version of "Risky Business" that movie with tom cruise, when he dances alone in his white socks and underwear. Felt silly, and wonderful!
I am off for a walk on the beach, bundled up and smiling..All problems, concerns and responsibilities can wait....later

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

Tuesday Night~~
Mermaids are intense. Mermaids are mysterious. Mermaids, when wounded, go deep, deep, into the darkest caverns, the coldest depths, until they can gasp a breath, can curl their tails around a sunken stone, and speak.
How did i know, when i started to write, that i was a mermaid? I didn't know my properties, didn't know the lore, but, as i write, as i become, i know in my heart that i was one all along.
People visit the sea. They hear the siren call, but, chose not to visit, to taste, to dream. I know i have friends like that, those that chose to taste, not swallow.
And then there are those that taste the mermaid menu, that swallow, slowly, thoughtfully, those that i give the spice, the scent, the desire for the unusual, the intriguing, those that want the sunrise, the sunset, and damn the mundane inbetween.
Did you see the movie "Splash"? When she was left loveless, without her land-locked lover, she became pale, and her scales flaked, and her lips were white.
I am that mermaid....yet, through parched lips, and lifeless tail, I survive. I have the audacity to survive, and flurish, nonetheless.
The veins that drawn and take my blood, i unerringly map to those that need it, as i need them. I am a survivor. That is my swansong, that is my apology, that is my debut.
I am prepping Thanksgiving dinner tonight, listening to Jill Scott, thinking about the Golden Gate Bridge, thinking about pink tulips, seeing Rikk's mouth, remembering all those i love, have loved, and focusing it on the meal i will take to jersey for thanksgiving. I have come back up from the deep. I am a mermaid, swimming, swimmming, blowing bubbles, laughing, weeping, salty tears, into the deep. Later.

Tuesday, November 09, 2004

Tuesday, Early Evening~~
I haven't blogged in so long i feel shy; like i am at my own party but i don't belong. I am quiet when things are wrong: I hold my fear closely to my chest. Things have been wrong...many things...indeed, they still are. However, I am resilient, i am a coping machine., i am a survivor.
Tonight i want to write about a part of my personality i don't like very much...It is my seeming inability to connect with those i love in a daily, civilized manner. Oh, i am great in a catastrophe, I am the true stormy weather friend, because not only will i give you my blood, i will deliver it personally. But, the art of friendship, in a loving, day to day basis...that is something i have a problem with. I might forget your birthday, i might not return your phone call or email. Why? i ask myself why? And, it always seems that "stuff" gets in the way... I run out of time.
Lately, it's because i have been feeling very sick... I don't want to elaborate, because i have the feeling that to say something, to write something, makes it concrete, makes it real, and if i can just deal with it, fight it, block it, it doesn't exist.
I have had anxiety attacks before in my life...I know myself well enough to know that my mind is SO strong, my focus SO intense, that, my body gets mightily pissed off at me ignoring it's subtle warning signs., and then ...BOOM!!! I am down...down with pains that frighten me...bold, red warning signs that tell me.."lady, you better find a way to decrease stress, because if you don't..well, THIS will be your life....
So, let's just say i have noted the warning signs,bells and whistles. I am trying very hard to be calm, to take baths, to meditate, to not worry. It seems to be working.
One of the people i hurt when i am going thru this is my brother. (Sorry, George!)Another is my dear friend Bob(Sorry, Bob!).
My brother George..ah, such a sweetiepie. I am 4 years older then him, and i can remember my first solid memory of him like it was yesterday... I was 6 years old, he was 2...it was my birthday, and he was in his black, hulking, baby stroller.(Imprisoned, is a better word..as the party flowed around him). July, and hot, and we lived in maryland. One of the kids invited to my party took cake, and smeared it in his mouth.He was delighted, but, as more cake then breath filled his mouth, he started to choke. I was outraged, frightened. didn't the kid know my beautiful baby brother couldn't breathe?.. I snatched the kid's hand away, and slapped it. (There is a picture in an old album, of me, roaring with anger, my hand in the baby carriage) I wiped Georgie's mouth, and got him his "baba". He looked at me with his stunning brown eyes, fringed with the thickest, blackest lashes, and i fell in love. I love him to this day, as intensely, though, i am sure it doesn't show. I would walk thru fire for him, my little brother, the comedian, the spoiled, the tender, the stubborn, brother of mine...Later

Thursday, November 04, 2004

Thurday morning,
First, thanks so much Amadeus...for the foot-up on the writing hill....No time to write, but, i can feel it all coming....Later...

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

Wednesday Morning,
I haven't given up on being a mermaid, i am just being a silent swimmer...I have alot to digest, lately, and i am going through a period of withdrawal..To some that is a bad thing, to me, a necessity. It is a time of winter heart, when all seems lifeless, but, in reality, the bloom of spring is not far away. Later...