Sunday Morning~~
You can always dance...It doesn't matter what challenges you face, just dance, anyway. Let go of your body sense, feel the rhythmn, and just dance. It is the same as stopping for a minute, and tilting your face towards the sun to savour it's warmth. It is the kiss that you taste, instead of a quick acknowledgement of ownership..
Light the candle, don't save it for a special occasion.Wear silk under your jeans. Smile at strangers that look sad or disgruntled. And remember, you can always dance. Off to work, later..
Sunday, December 12, 2004
Wednesday, December 08, 2004
Wednesday Night~~
10 days...swimming deep out to sea..I have been asked, "what is a mermaid?" A mermaid is a sensual being..intimately intuned to the swirl of a sunlight wave, the feel of a warm current against her belly, the gentle push of sand and depth against the strength of her undulating tail.
Journeying, that's where i have been. Mermaids don't have mothers, and their fathers are long gone. They travel far, and sing sweetly, and sometimes find themselves in unfamiliar territory,thrown upon wet, salty rocks. They call to others, their own kind for replenishment and mutual acts of kindness, then move on to strangers, to practice their craft of bewitchment, exploration,education, and love. They always leave...wheither they want to or not. They leave behind bewilderment, and fierce lust for life, and longing, and, though it is not their intention, tears... How melodramatic, how sentimental...but, in this world of the practical, the material, how hypnotic a Mermaid is....
What does a mermaid look like? The glamour is always different., be she blonde or fiery red or burnished brown...What sets her apart is her innocent eyes, tempered by a wicked smile. Have no doubt, she will draw you in. Have no doubt, you will love her. And the one that finally keeps her, well, that's the one that got away. Later.
10 days...swimming deep out to sea..I have been asked, "what is a mermaid?" A mermaid is a sensual being..intimately intuned to the swirl of a sunlight wave, the feel of a warm current against her belly, the gentle push of sand and depth against the strength of her undulating tail.
Journeying, that's where i have been. Mermaids don't have mothers, and their fathers are long gone. They travel far, and sing sweetly, and sometimes find themselves in unfamiliar territory,thrown upon wet, salty rocks. They call to others, their own kind for replenishment and mutual acts of kindness, then move on to strangers, to practice their craft of bewitchment, exploration,education, and love. They always leave...wheither they want to or not. They leave behind bewilderment, and fierce lust for life, and longing, and, though it is not their intention, tears... How melodramatic, how sentimental...but, in this world of the practical, the material, how hypnotic a Mermaid is....
What does a mermaid look like? The glamour is always different., be she blonde or fiery red or burnished brown...What sets her apart is her innocent eyes, tempered by a wicked smile. Have no doubt, she will draw you in. Have no doubt, you will love her. And the one that finally keeps her, well, that's the one that got away. Later.
Saturday, November 27, 2004
It is a fabulous late fall day here at the beach, and i am ALONE!! Such a sweet word, today..even though last night was a little spooky..J. is up north with my sister and brotherinlaw, working with her business. The house is as i left it last night, no footsteps but my own...this must be what life is like without kids..Last night i did the female version of "Risky Business" that movie with tom cruise, when he dances alone in his white socks and underwear. Felt silly, and wonderful!
I am off for a walk on the beach, bundled up and smiling..All problems, concerns and responsibilities can wait....later
I am off for a walk on the beach, bundled up and smiling..All problems, concerns and responsibilities can wait....later
Tuesday, November 23, 2004
Tuesday Night~~
Mermaids are intense. Mermaids are mysterious. Mermaids, when wounded, go deep, deep, into the darkest caverns, the coldest depths, until they can gasp a breath, can curl their tails around a sunken stone, and speak.
How did i know, when i started to write, that i was a mermaid? I didn't know my properties, didn't know the lore, but, as i write, as i become, i know in my heart that i was one all along.
People visit the sea. They hear the siren call, but, chose not to visit, to taste, to dream. I know i have friends like that, those that chose to taste, not swallow.
And then there are those that taste the mermaid menu, that swallow, slowly, thoughtfully, those that i give the spice, the scent, the desire for the unusual, the intriguing, those that want the sunrise, the sunset, and damn the mundane inbetween.
Did you see the movie "Splash"? When she was left loveless, without her land-locked lover, she became pale, and her scales flaked, and her lips were white.
I am that mermaid....yet, through parched lips, and lifeless tail, I survive. I have the audacity to survive, and flurish, nonetheless.
The veins that drawn and take my blood, i unerringly map to those that need it, as i need them. I am a survivor. That is my swansong, that is my apology, that is my debut.
I am prepping Thanksgiving dinner tonight, listening to Jill Scott, thinking about the Golden Gate Bridge, thinking about pink tulips, seeing Rikk's mouth, remembering all those i love, have loved, and focusing it on the meal i will take to jersey for thanksgiving. I have come back up from the deep. I am a mermaid, swimming, swimmming, blowing bubbles, laughing, weeping, salty tears, into the deep. Later.
Mermaids are intense. Mermaids are mysterious. Mermaids, when wounded, go deep, deep, into the darkest caverns, the coldest depths, until they can gasp a breath, can curl their tails around a sunken stone, and speak.
How did i know, when i started to write, that i was a mermaid? I didn't know my properties, didn't know the lore, but, as i write, as i become, i know in my heart that i was one all along.
People visit the sea. They hear the siren call, but, chose not to visit, to taste, to dream. I know i have friends like that, those that chose to taste, not swallow.
And then there are those that taste the mermaid menu, that swallow, slowly, thoughtfully, those that i give the spice, the scent, the desire for the unusual, the intriguing, those that want the sunrise, the sunset, and damn the mundane inbetween.
Did you see the movie "Splash"? When she was left loveless, without her land-locked lover, she became pale, and her scales flaked, and her lips were white.
I am that mermaid....yet, through parched lips, and lifeless tail, I survive. I have the audacity to survive, and flurish, nonetheless.
The veins that drawn and take my blood, i unerringly map to those that need it, as i need them. I am a survivor. That is my swansong, that is my apology, that is my debut.
I am prepping Thanksgiving dinner tonight, listening to Jill Scott, thinking about the Golden Gate Bridge, thinking about pink tulips, seeing Rikk's mouth, remembering all those i love, have loved, and focusing it on the meal i will take to jersey for thanksgiving. I have come back up from the deep. I am a mermaid, swimming, swimmming, blowing bubbles, laughing, weeping, salty tears, into the deep. Later.
Tuesday, November 09, 2004
Tuesday, Early Evening~~
I haven't blogged in so long i feel shy; like i am at my own party but i don't belong. I am quiet when things are wrong: I hold my fear closely to my chest. Things have been wrong...many things...indeed, they still are. However, I am resilient, i am a coping machine., i am a survivor.
Tonight i want to write about a part of my personality i don't like very much...It is my seeming inability to connect with those i love in a daily, civilized manner. Oh, i am great in a catastrophe, I am the true stormy weather friend, because not only will i give you my blood, i will deliver it personally. But, the art of friendship, in a loving, day to day basis...that is something i have a problem with. I might forget your birthday, i might not return your phone call or email. Why? i ask myself why? And, it always seems that "stuff" gets in the way... I run out of time.
Lately, it's because i have been feeling very sick... I don't want to elaborate, because i have the feeling that to say something, to write something, makes it concrete, makes it real, and if i can just deal with it, fight it, block it, it doesn't exist.
I have had anxiety attacks before in my life...I know myself well enough to know that my mind is SO strong, my focus SO intense, that, my body gets mightily pissed off at me ignoring it's subtle warning signs., and then ...BOOM!!! I am down...down with pains that frighten me...bold, red warning signs that tell me.."lady, you better find a way to decrease stress, because if you don't..well, THIS will be your life....
So, let's just say i have noted the warning signs,bells and whistles. I am trying very hard to be calm, to take baths, to meditate, to not worry. It seems to be working.
One of the people i hurt when i am going thru this is my brother. (Sorry, George!)Another is my dear friend Bob(Sorry, Bob!).
My brother George..ah, such a sweetiepie. I am 4 years older then him, and i can remember my first solid memory of him like it was yesterday... I was 6 years old, he was 2...it was my birthday, and he was in his black, hulking, baby stroller.(Imprisoned, is a better word..as the party flowed around him). July, and hot, and we lived in maryland. One of the kids invited to my party took cake, and smeared it in his mouth.He was delighted, but, as more cake then breath filled his mouth, he started to choke. I was outraged, frightened. didn't the kid know my beautiful baby brother couldn't breathe?.. I snatched the kid's hand away, and slapped it. (There is a picture in an old album, of me, roaring with anger, my hand in the baby carriage) I wiped Georgie's mouth, and got him his "baba". He looked at me with his stunning brown eyes, fringed with the thickest, blackest lashes, and i fell in love. I love him to this day, as intensely, though, i am sure it doesn't show. I would walk thru fire for him, my little brother, the comedian, the spoiled, the tender, the stubborn, brother of mine...Later
I haven't blogged in so long i feel shy; like i am at my own party but i don't belong. I am quiet when things are wrong: I hold my fear closely to my chest. Things have been wrong...many things...indeed, they still are. However, I am resilient, i am a coping machine., i am a survivor.
Tonight i want to write about a part of my personality i don't like very much...It is my seeming inability to connect with those i love in a daily, civilized manner. Oh, i am great in a catastrophe, I am the true stormy weather friend, because not only will i give you my blood, i will deliver it personally. But, the art of friendship, in a loving, day to day basis...that is something i have a problem with. I might forget your birthday, i might not return your phone call or email. Why? i ask myself why? And, it always seems that "stuff" gets in the way... I run out of time.
Lately, it's because i have been feeling very sick... I don't want to elaborate, because i have the feeling that to say something, to write something, makes it concrete, makes it real, and if i can just deal with it, fight it, block it, it doesn't exist.
I have had anxiety attacks before in my life...I know myself well enough to know that my mind is SO strong, my focus SO intense, that, my body gets mightily pissed off at me ignoring it's subtle warning signs., and then ...BOOM!!! I am down...down with pains that frighten me...bold, red warning signs that tell me.."lady, you better find a way to decrease stress, because if you don't..well, THIS will be your life....
So, let's just say i have noted the warning signs,bells and whistles. I am trying very hard to be calm, to take baths, to meditate, to not worry. It seems to be working.
One of the people i hurt when i am going thru this is my brother. (Sorry, George!)Another is my dear friend Bob(Sorry, Bob!).
My brother George..ah, such a sweetiepie. I am 4 years older then him, and i can remember my first solid memory of him like it was yesterday... I was 6 years old, he was 2...it was my birthday, and he was in his black, hulking, baby stroller.(Imprisoned, is a better word..as the party flowed around him). July, and hot, and we lived in maryland. One of the kids invited to my party took cake, and smeared it in his mouth.He was delighted, but, as more cake then breath filled his mouth, he started to choke. I was outraged, frightened. didn't the kid know my beautiful baby brother couldn't breathe?.. I snatched the kid's hand away, and slapped it. (There is a picture in an old album, of me, roaring with anger, my hand in the baby carriage) I wiped Georgie's mouth, and got him his "baba". He looked at me with his stunning brown eyes, fringed with the thickest, blackest lashes, and i fell in love. I love him to this day, as intensely, though, i am sure it doesn't show. I would walk thru fire for him, my little brother, the comedian, the spoiled, the tender, the stubborn, brother of mine...Later
Thursday, November 04, 2004
Wednesday, November 03, 2004
Wednesday Morning,
I haven't given up on being a mermaid, i am just being a silent swimmer...I have alot to digest, lately, and i am going through a period of withdrawal..To some that is a bad thing, to me, a necessity. It is a time of winter heart, when all seems lifeless, but, in reality, the bloom of spring is not far away. Later...
I haven't given up on being a mermaid, i am just being a silent swimmer...I have alot to digest, lately, and i am going through a period of withdrawal..To some that is a bad thing, to me, a necessity. It is a time of winter heart, when all seems lifeless, but, in reality, the bloom of spring is not far away. Later...
Wednesday, October 27, 2004
Wednesday Night~~
I am sitting here in my second set of work clothes, and i smell like pepperoni pizza.There is alot of insanity at the second job, amazing, jawdropping dramas. I am sure there is a book in there, somewhere.
Total ecilpse of the moon tonight, and here, the sky is ink, and stars stud the sky, and the moon is an eerie tangerine. I feel like howling; I feel like lying in the wet grass and just rolling.
I have hooked j. up with a local fisherman...today he was up and working, cleaning his boat. He gets paid for the days work tomorrow, but, tonight, he called me at the restaurant and asked me how to cook lobster. LOBSTER!!! Not a bad fringe benefit....He said it was the best meal he ever had...cooked it himself, and cleaned the house up, too.I am praying it is the beginning of a job for him.
Too tired to write more, up and at it at 5am...the old director and outreach coordinator's last day is tomorrow, and i am making swedish meatballs for the going away party. ..I wish I had time to work on my book...but, it will come when i get a little further down the road with the two new jobs.
I miss all my Mermaid friends, i miss you alot. I think of each of you so often, with love....Later.
I am sitting here in my second set of work clothes, and i smell like pepperoni pizza.There is alot of insanity at the second job, amazing, jawdropping dramas. I am sure there is a book in there, somewhere.
Total ecilpse of the moon tonight, and here, the sky is ink, and stars stud the sky, and the moon is an eerie tangerine. I feel like howling; I feel like lying in the wet grass and just rolling.
I have hooked j. up with a local fisherman...today he was up and working, cleaning his boat. He gets paid for the days work tomorrow, but, tonight, he called me at the restaurant and asked me how to cook lobster. LOBSTER!!! Not a bad fringe benefit....He said it was the best meal he ever had...cooked it himself, and cleaned the house up, too.I am praying it is the beginning of a job for him.
Too tired to write more, up and at it at 5am...the old director and outreach coordinator's last day is tomorrow, and i am making swedish meatballs for the going away party. ..I wish I had time to work on my book...but, it will come when i get a little further down the road with the two new jobs.
I miss all my Mermaid friends, i miss you alot. I think of each of you so often, with love....Later.
Tuesday, October 26, 2004
Tuesday Night~~
I am so thankful i am female. In the words of a wise man that i respect and admire"men are 95%dog." I am sorry that i have had to experience the major aspect of that equation.....but, i have, with a resounding WOOF! WOOF!
I see women all around me, that are smart, savvy, and certainly capable of better decisions, that turn to fluff when their man starts ruffling his cock-feathers.
Why do they do this? Is is because if they upset their man they lose the key to their financial golden goose? Yup, sometimes. Is it because they don't want to deal with discord? Yup, absoleutely. Is it because they just know the waters, sharks and all., and don't feel like chumming elsewhere? You got it.
Forgive me for my ascerbic rendition of men. If women had penis's , i would be a lesbian. I find women much more compassionate, multitasked, and communicative then men.
To my male friends, please don't think i don't love you...i DO!! But can't you train you litter-mates in better behavior?
I.E>
don't slobber over us. It grosses us out
don't lie to us about your relationship status.( I love you, Genie and i are just WORK buddies...we just stopped over for a cocktail) We will smell you out for the dirty dog you are, and crucify you, somehow.
don't think foreplay is a one time thing, and once you sleep with us, you've done your job. Foreplay, to us, is lovemaking...your penetration is just the exclamation mark.
Let us cry. When we cry, we release all are gentleness, our aggression, without taking down the nation. It is much more intelligent to let us cry, and pat our backs, then let us get a knife in the middle of the night, in our Elvis t-shirts, and our bunny slippers.
What am i trying to say? Oh, Lord, guys....Just hold us...Just listen to us. It makes us melt, it makes us okay, and your safe for another day. Later
I am so thankful i am female. In the words of a wise man that i respect and admire"men are 95%dog." I am sorry that i have had to experience the major aspect of that equation.....but, i have, with a resounding WOOF! WOOF!
I see women all around me, that are smart, savvy, and certainly capable of better decisions, that turn to fluff when their man starts ruffling his cock-feathers.
Why do they do this? Is is because if they upset their man they lose the key to their financial golden goose? Yup, sometimes. Is it because they don't want to deal with discord? Yup, absoleutely. Is it because they just know the waters, sharks and all., and don't feel like chumming elsewhere? You got it.
Forgive me for my ascerbic rendition of men. If women had penis's , i would be a lesbian. I find women much more compassionate, multitasked, and communicative then men.
To my male friends, please don't think i don't love you...i DO!! But can't you train you litter-mates in better behavior?
I.E>
don't slobber over us. It grosses us out
don't lie to us about your relationship status.( I love you, Genie and i are just WORK buddies...we just stopped over for a cocktail) We will smell you out for the dirty dog you are, and crucify you, somehow.
don't think foreplay is a one time thing, and once you sleep with us, you've done your job. Foreplay, to us, is lovemaking...your penetration is just the exclamation mark.
Let us cry. When we cry, we release all are gentleness, our aggression, without taking down the nation. It is much more intelligent to let us cry, and pat our backs, then let us get a knife in the middle of the night, in our Elvis t-shirts, and our bunny slippers.
What am i trying to say? Oh, Lord, guys....Just hold us...Just listen to us. It makes us melt, it makes us okay, and your safe for another day. Later
Saturday, October 23, 2004
Saturday Afternoon~~
Such a busy mermaid!! I am not gliding thru the currents right now, I am joyously stroking the water powerfully, doing underwater somersaults and blowing bubbles, because i am WORKING again. I have alot of money problems, that's still true, but, I am WORKING, and it will only be a matter of time before i catch up.
I love working at the pizza place...I love my seniors....things are finally falling into place. I am meeting so many people i am getting dizzy from it all...I see them all as potential characters in my book (s), and in my mind's eye i hear them dialoging, i am describing them, i am making them come alive. I do this mostly when i cook, or clean, when i am in movement, because when my body is busy with other tasking, my mind seems to be at it's most potent.
I am making my way here in this new place. Once more, all i can say is thank you, God....for taking me out of the dark uncertainty of why i came, and helping me find purpose once again. Later.
Such a busy mermaid!! I am not gliding thru the currents right now, I am joyously stroking the water powerfully, doing underwater somersaults and blowing bubbles, because i am WORKING again. I have alot of money problems, that's still true, but, I am WORKING, and it will only be a matter of time before i catch up.
I love working at the pizza place...I love my seniors....things are finally falling into place. I am meeting so many people i am getting dizzy from it all...I see them all as potential characters in my book (s), and in my mind's eye i hear them dialoging, i am describing them, i am making them come alive. I do this mostly when i cook, or clean, when i am in movement, because when my body is busy with other tasking, my mind seems to be at it's most potent.
I am making my way here in this new place. Once more, all i can say is thank you, God....for taking me out of the dark uncertainty of why i came, and helping me find purpose once again. Later.
Thursday, October 21, 2004
Thursday Night~~
How does she do it? I walked thru the kitchen a moment ago, and smelled my mother's perfume....Lily of the Valley, a distinct and old fashioned scent...Not one to be confused with today's more sophisticated perfumes.
What was she telling me? Why did she leave me? I will never know, i will never fathom, why my mother is no longer my heart-pulsing, always fortifiying, best friend.
This is one of the cornerstones of my being, of my writing. My relationship with my mother. I didn't mean to write about her; she intruded on my consciousness with her scent. Will i ever be able to put her to rest? Will i ever be able to bring a flower to her grave, mumble platitudes, and go on?
I think not. My mother is an extension of my being. She is the blueprint of life for an unskilled laborer, learning from a master. I miss her. I have said this before, i have wept uncountable tears, i have come to grips and flown off the handle with the perfect storm of her leaving.
So, once again, Mommy, i pay you homage. I miss you. I was so lucky to be your daughter; I was in the chosen circle of your love. Were you a being brought to Earth just to teach love? I know those that didn't know you think i am just reveling in gently smudged matriachcal nostalgia...but, truly, that isn't it.
You loved everybody. Black, white, old, young, you were a camelian with a warm velvet coat. You were so sensitive, so exquistite in your heart. I think i am following you, as close as i can, except i am fearless in my fear.
You gave up. You refused to go thru tunnels and crawl thru mountains. I, on the other hand, as your daughter, wiggle thru tunnels, climb mountains, and write about the journey.
I guess I can do it because you made the Redbird sing in my heart. Love is the essence;you taught me. God will never give you a cross you can't carry;You taught me... And to those that are teachers, the hardest lessons are learned...you instilled in me.
The worst thing you taught me, the best thing you taught me, was:Love is of the essence...all else falls into place.....Later
Ps..i am pubishing this before i lose courage...I am naked without a towel....later.
How does she do it? I walked thru the kitchen a moment ago, and smelled my mother's perfume....Lily of the Valley, a distinct and old fashioned scent...Not one to be confused with today's more sophisticated perfumes.
What was she telling me? Why did she leave me? I will never know, i will never fathom, why my mother is no longer my heart-pulsing, always fortifiying, best friend.
This is one of the cornerstones of my being, of my writing. My relationship with my mother. I didn't mean to write about her; she intruded on my consciousness with her scent. Will i ever be able to put her to rest? Will i ever be able to bring a flower to her grave, mumble platitudes, and go on?
I think not. My mother is an extension of my being. She is the blueprint of life for an unskilled laborer, learning from a master. I miss her. I have said this before, i have wept uncountable tears, i have come to grips and flown off the handle with the perfect storm of her leaving.
So, once again, Mommy, i pay you homage. I miss you. I was so lucky to be your daughter; I was in the chosen circle of your love. Were you a being brought to Earth just to teach love? I know those that didn't know you think i am just reveling in gently smudged matriachcal nostalgia...but, truly, that isn't it.
You loved everybody. Black, white, old, young, you were a camelian with a warm velvet coat. You were so sensitive, so exquistite in your heart. I think i am following you, as close as i can, except i am fearless in my fear.
You gave up. You refused to go thru tunnels and crawl thru mountains. I, on the other hand, as your daughter, wiggle thru tunnels, climb mountains, and write about the journey.
I guess I can do it because you made the Redbird sing in my heart. Love is the essence;you taught me. God will never give you a cross you can't carry;You taught me... And to those that are teachers, the hardest lessons are learned...you instilled in me.
The worst thing you taught me, the best thing you taught me, was:Love is of the essence...all else falls into place.....Later
Ps..i am pubishing this before i lose courage...I am naked without a towel....later.
Wednesday, October 20, 2004
Wednesday night~~
I am tired, so body tired...But my heart is singing, and i am happy. I loved being with my old folks today, learning all the admin and being there for them. I get so many hugs, so many kisses, i make them laugh and i watch over them. THen i went home, had a quick coffee, and into my redhotchilipepper chef pants(knew not to get rid of them) with my clunky black rockports and a tshirt...The chef is great, and threw me into the pot ...pointing to things on the menu and saying.."cook it"..So i did, and though my feet were screaming, i was creating, apron on, knife flying, flying myself by the seat of my pants.
Sleep, ah, to crawl into my lovely cloud bed, clothes flung to the floor, hugging my extra pillow...and do it all again tomorrow. I think with the two jobs i will be able to make it, and they are both jobs i love. Later....
I am tired, so body tired...But my heart is singing, and i am happy. I loved being with my old folks today, learning all the admin and being there for them. I get so many hugs, so many kisses, i make them laugh and i watch over them. THen i went home, had a quick coffee, and into my redhotchilipepper chef pants(knew not to get rid of them) with my clunky black rockports and a tshirt...The chef is great, and threw me into the pot ...pointing to things on the menu and saying.."cook it"..So i did, and though my feet were screaming, i was creating, apron on, knife flying, flying myself by the seat of my pants.
Sleep, ah, to crawl into my lovely cloud bed, clothes flung to the floor, hugging my extra pillow...and do it all again tomorrow. I think with the two jobs i will be able to make it, and they are both jobs i love. Later....
Tuesday, October 19, 2004
Tuesday Night~~
I have written over 50,000 words on this blog...Happy Writing to Me!.This has been such an eventful 6 days...Truly, i am too tired to explain it all. Quickly, i have driven over 1,600 miles. I am no longer afraid of driving through mountains. I have started my job with the seniors, and tomorrow i start my second job as a cook in a little italian restaurant. Life is a huge challenge right now, and i have so many things to fix, consider, change and explore that i just want to crawl into my bed, pull up the covers, and hide.
Ain't going to happen. I will try to keep muddling thru, try to keep going forward, and, maybe, just maybe, all will be a bit clearer each passing day.
Ah, tomorrow, i so love tomorrows. They hold the promise of wounds healed, of battles won, of kisses taken, of whispers given...AND...my fourth poem is published on the internet writing site...It is so racy, it makes ME blush...yet, when i wrote it, it was written in singleminded devotion to physical communion....Later...this sleepy mermaid is doing the backstroke to the nearest warm reef, curling her tail around a sturdy buoy, and resting for the night...Later
I have written over 50,000 words on this blog...Happy Writing to Me!.This has been such an eventful 6 days...Truly, i am too tired to explain it all. Quickly, i have driven over 1,600 miles. I am no longer afraid of driving through mountains. I have started my job with the seniors, and tomorrow i start my second job as a cook in a little italian restaurant. Life is a huge challenge right now, and i have so many things to fix, consider, change and explore that i just want to crawl into my bed, pull up the covers, and hide.
Ain't going to happen. I will try to keep muddling thru, try to keep going forward, and, maybe, just maybe, all will be a bit clearer each passing day.
Ah, tomorrow, i so love tomorrows. They hold the promise of wounds healed, of battles won, of kisses taken, of whispers given...AND...my fourth poem is published on the internet writing site...It is so racy, it makes ME blush...yet, when i wrote it, it was written in singleminded devotion to physical communion....Later...this sleepy mermaid is doing the backstroke to the nearest warm reef, curling her tail around a sturdy buoy, and resting for the night...Later
Thursday, October 14, 2004
Thursday afternoon~~
Have you ever had those times in your life where you knew God shined on you? I have..Holding my children in my arms, their skin like spring petals, their fingers curled around mine. Perfect hugs, where the essence and breath was of love..Rainbows and the scent of fresh cut grass and the glory of a spider web, irridesent in the dawn.
I am now employed..official title."Outreach Coordinator", at the Senior Center. I suppose it would help if i could spell my title, but, that's not what matters. It was a God-shining moment, as i ignored the Big Kahuna after he said congradulations, and turned to the big glass window where the seniors watched our every move. I smiled so big i thought i would burst, and my eyes were happyshining with tears. Two thumbs up!, I gave them, and they started clapping their hands in applause. I love them, and i can't wait to start on monday....Later..
Have you ever had those times in your life where you knew God shined on you? I have..Holding my children in my arms, their skin like spring petals, their fingers curled around mine. Perfect hugs, where the essence and breath was of love..Rainbows and the scent of fresh cut grass and the glory of a spider web, irridesent in the dawn.
I am now employed..official title."Outreach Coordinator", at the Senior Center. I suppose it would help if i could spell my title, but, that's not what matters. It was a God-shining moment, as i ignored the Big Kahuna after he said congradulations, and turned to the big glass window where the seniors watched our every move. I smiled so big i thought i would burst, and my eyes were happyshining with tears. Two thumbs up!, I gave them, and they started clapping their hands in applause. I love them, and i can't wait to start on monday....Later..
Wednesday, October 13, 2004
Wednesday Night~~
Last night before i slept, i decided that if i didn't hear about working at the Senior Citizen Center, that i would take a job, any job, today. I was calm about my decision, but sorrowful..wanting so much to combine work with pleasure..for that is what it is for me each time i am there. I decided that i would still volunteer, any time i could, so it wouldn't be a total loss.
Yes, the darkest hour of night has passed..I am meeting the Big Kahuna from the Commission on Aging tomorrow at 10:15am. The present Director called me an hour or two after the phone call from the Big Guy, and said that i was going to be offered the secondary position. She said she had been on pins and needles, because there was a waiting list for the job, from people in the field, and he had chosen me over 20 some applicants. It's not for sure yet, i refuse to count those chickens before i see them hatched...buuuuttttt...it sure is looking good. Thanks, God. Later.
Last night before i slept, i decided that if i didn't hear about working at the Senior Citizen Center, that i would take a job, any job, today. I was calm about my decision, but sorrowful..wanting so much to combine work with pleasure..for that is what it is for me each time i am there. I decided that i would still volunteer, any time i could, so it wouldn't be a total loss.
Yes, the darkest hour of night has passed..I am meeting the Big Kahuna from the Commission on Aging tomorrow at 10:15am. The present Director called me an hour or two after the phone call from the Big Guy, and said that i was going to be offered the secondary position. She said she had been on pins and needles, because there was a waiting list for the job, from people in the field, and he had chosen me over 20 some applicants. It's not for sure yet, i refuse to count those chickens before i see them hatched...buuuuttttt...it sure is looking good. Thanks, God. Later.
Wednesday Morning~~
I was going to write about the past weekend, probably will, because there were so many writing snapshots that long to be written about, but an experience yesterday won't leave me....Some things leave a writing itch that won't rest til it's scratched....
After a discouraging day of job hunting, i went to, of course you guessed it..the beach. Intuition guided me, and i found myself in a glorious place of high dunes,sea and sky. I wore my bulky sweater, and my mother's chiffon scarf in my hair, enjoying it's color and flutter in the chill wind as i walked. I walked til the few people about were mere dots, and settled on a high spot in the sand. The sea seemed to curl and break into frothy waves just for me, and i sat, half lotus position, and opened my heart to God. I felt my molecules dance and stir, i felt the rhythmn of the sea as my breath. I got up and started back along the beach, intending to go home and start dinner. Intuition demanded i take the dunes rather then the shore, and i found myself at an opening in the fence. Weathered planks formed what looked like a boardwalk to nowhere. Curious, i took the path. A lone tent greeted me, and the strains of violin and guitar. I was 20 feet away from them, as they sat on a picnic table and played. I sat down quietly, brushing the sand from my barefeet and putting on my boots. They played Celtic lovesongs and battlecries;flirty toetappers and tearful goodbyes. I looked to my right, at the pencil line of fence along the dunes,brilliantly foiled against the blue of the sky. Seven crows perched there,motionless,as they enjoyed the concert with me. I looked to my left, back at the gypsyking and his consort on guitar. I nodded my appreciation, with my hand on my heart...such beauty, such a gift. Then i walked on.
I was going to write about the past weekend, probably will, because there were so many writing snapshots that long to be written about, but an experience yesterday won't leave me....Some things leave a writing itch that won't rest til it's scratched....
After a discouraging day of job hunting, i went to, of course you guessed it..the beach. Intuition guided me, and i found myself in a glorious place of high dunes,sea and sky. I wore my bulky sweater, and my mother's chiffon scarf in my hair, enjoying it's color and flutter in the chill wind as i walked. I walked til the few people about were mere dots, and settled on a high spot in the sand. The sea seemed to curl and break into frothy waves just for me, and i sat, half lotus position, and opened my heart to God. I felt my molecules dance and stir, i felt the rhythmn of the sea as my breath. I got up and started back along the beach, intending to go home and start dinner. Intuition demanded i take the dunes rather then the shore, and i found myself at an opening in the fence. Weathered planks formed what looked like a boardwalk to nowhere. Curious, i took the path. A lone tent greeted me, and the strains of violin and guitar. I was 20 feet away from them, as they sat on a picnic table and played. I sat down quietly, brushing the sand from my barefeet and putting on my boots. They played Celtic lovesongs and battlecries;flirty toetappers and tearful goodbyes. I looked to my right, at the pencil line of fence along the dunes,brilliantly foiled against the blue of the sky. Seven crows perched there,motionless,as they enjoyed the concert with me. I looked to my left, back at the gypsyking and his consort on guitar. I nodded my appreciation, with my hand on my heart...such beauty, such a gift. Then i walked on.
Monday, October 11, 2004
Monday Night~~
I am back...I left friday for North Jersey...just outside of Manhattan, where i lived as a child, and my brother and sister still live today.It was three days full of, FULL of, experiences...but, i am just to darn tired to write...i will see u all tomorrow...time for some well earned beautysleep...zzzzzzzzzzz Later
I am back...I left friday for North Jersey...just outside of Manhattan, where i lived as a child, and my brother and sister still live today.It was three days full of, FULL of, experiences...but, i am just to darn tired to write...i will see u all tomorrow...time for some well earned beautysleep...zzzzzzzzzzz Later
Thursday, October 07, 2004
Thursday Night~~
Flora said it..."Love is All". She knows, because she has been a love vigilante..always ready to love, always ready to feel, no matter what has come before, no matter what is, no matter what will be. I follow her path curiously, because, i know, that with her singleminded determination, her heart, someone is going to mesh with her in such a complete, glorious way, that she will be an inspiration to that which i hold so dear: complete, satisfied, almost smug, yet gloriously ingenuous, love.
As for me? I am writing my book. I happened to give Rikk's portfolio to the wife of an artist's agent today...I never miss an opportunity to promote him. He seems far away, yet, i still hold him close...perhaps i am a fool, or perhaps, like he says, i just need alot of external attention, to prove love.
Posh! , i say. I just want so much to snuggle deep, that's all.
I have been cooking all day, and i am redolent with a peculiar perfume....garlic, and balsamic vinegar; asiago cheese and parmesan and tomatoes, cooked all day in a simmering sauce.
Food makes me crazy..perhaps that's why people like what i cook...I caress the vegetables before i slice them, i scrutinse them for color, and shape, and form...I taste, and stir, and fan the fragrant steam...and all the while, i whisper"God Bless You, Eat Well", adding the secret ingredient to my dishes..
I am not classicly trained, nor do i call myself a chef. I am so.....not marketable in this world. I should have been born in the fifties...wearing a frilly apron, cleaning the house, tending children, and kissing my husband dutifully on the cheek, as he came home from work.
Yah, all of today's women will hate that remark. But, between pot roast and homework, vaccumning and laundry, i could write, and garden, and not worry about the mortgage payment, or the utility bills. Trade off? sure. I bet Harriet Beecher Stowe ironed her husbands shirts, while she plotted the Underground Railroad. Later.
Flora said it..."Love is All". She knows, because she has been a love vigilante..always ready to love, always ready to feel, no matter what has come before, no matter what is, no matter what will be. I follow her path curiously, because, i know, that with her singleminded determination, her heart, someone is going to mesh with her in such a complete, glorious way, that she will be an inspiration to that which i hold so dear: complete, satisfied, almost smug, yet gloriously ingenuous, love.
As for me? I am writing my book. I happened to give Rikk's portfolio to the wife of an artist's agent today...I never miss an opportunity to promote him. He seems far away, yet, i still hold him close...perhaps i am a fool, or perhaps, like he says, i just need alot of external attention, to prove love.
Posh! , i say. I just want so much to snuggle deep, that's all.
I have been cooking all day, and i am redolent with a peculiar perfume....garlic, and balsamic vinegar; asiago cheese and parmesan and tomatoes, cooked all day in a simmering sauce.
Food makes me crazy..perhaps that's why people like what i cook...I caress the vegetables before i slice them, i scrutinse them for color, and shape, and form...I taste, and stir, and fan the fragrant steam...and all the while, i whisper"God Bless You, Eat Well", adding the secret ingredient to my dishes..
I am not classicly trained, nor do i call myself a chef. I am so.....not marketable in this world. I should have been born in the fifties...wearing a frilly apron, cleaning the house, tending children, and kissing my husband dutifully on the cheek, as he came home from work.
Yah, all of today's women will hate that remark. But, between pot roast and homework, vaccumning and laundry, i could write, and garden, and not worry about the mortgage payment, or the utility bills. Trade off? sure. I bet Harriet Beecher Stowe ironed her husbands shirts, while she plotted the Underground Railroad. Later.
Wednesday, October 06, 2004
Wednesday Night~~
I am back...In the words of my tantric twin,it takes as long for me to heal, as the hurt i feel. I hide when i hurt...my family, and my lovers, know this. Lover...that is such an archaic word..but, truly, i have had lovers. "tantric twin"..i asked his permission, months ago, to write about him...I asked because he is no longer my physical lover, not the recipient any longer of notes, and whispers, and touch. But, my lover? always will be.
I say this knowing that it is going to make some people uncomfortable, but, how can u deny love? Love present, love past, love?
I planted angelique tulips for him. I stared into his great, green eyes, and life swirled around us. I lay in a tub, belly cramped, rendevous diverted, with cinnamon candles lighting my pain, searing my commitment, while he sat near me, and his voice gentled me. How can u ever forget such a passage? I can't.
He is a great man, though, he doesn't think so. He helps people with addictions, he is elegant, educated, lustful, and a prolific writer. I let him go, because i wasn't ready to be his consort. I had too many battles to fight, and i didn't want to splash him with the blood of my personal war. Lover, friend, tantric twin? All those..and my metaphysical counterpart.
At least, at the very least, i took him over the Golden Gate Bridge, hair flying, one hand on his thigh, as Barry White seranaded us, and his hand held mine. Later.
I am back...In the words of my tantric twin,it takes as long for me to heal, as the hurt i feel. I hide when i hurt...my family, and my lovers, know this. Lover...that is such an archaic word..but, truly, i have had lovers. "tantric twin"..i asked his permission, months ago, to write about him...I asked because he is no longer my physical lover, not the recipient any longer of notes, and whispers, and touch. But, my lover? always will be.
I say this knowing that it is going to make some people uncomfortable, but, how can u deny love? Love present, love past, love?
I planted angelique tulips for him. I stared into his great, green eyes, and life swirled around us. I lay in a tub, belly cramped, rendevous diverted, with cinnamon candles lighting my pain, searing my commitment, while he sat near me, and his voice gentled me. How can u ever forget such a passage? I can't.
He is a great man, though, he doesn't think so. He helps people with addictions, he is elegant, educated, lustful, and a prolific writer. I let him go, because i wasn't ready to be his consort. I had too many battles to fight, and i didn't want to splash him with the blood of my personal war. Lover, friend, tantric twin? All those..and my metaphysical counterpart.
At least, at the very least, i took him over the Golden Gate Bridge, hair flying, one hand on his thigh, as Barry White seranaded us, and his hand held mine. Later.
Saturday, October 02, 2004
Saturday Night~~
I never hide my thoughts in my blog...as a matter of fact, i pride myself on my openness. Sometimes i think that by sharing my sorrows, as well as my joys, my failings, as well as my successes, that i might be able to connect with those in the same boat..to either show them how to get thru a difficult time, or how NOT to do something..
But, tonight, i am profoundly hurting, and this one is not one to share. So, if i don't write for awhile, please forgive me...
I'll be back....Later.
I never hide my thoughts in my blog...as a matter of fact, i pride myself on my openness. Sometimes i think that by sharing my sorrows, as well as my joys, my failings, as well as my successes, that i might be able to connect with those in the same boat..to either show them how to get thru a difficult time, or how NOT to do something..
But, tonight, i am profoundly hurting, and this one is not one to share. So, if i don't write for awhile, please forgive me...
I'll be back....Later.
Friday, October 01, 2004
Friday Morning~~
It was a beautiful sunrise this morning..I sat on the backdeck in my blue batik robe and white socks, with my legs curled under me and my coffee in hand. The sky lightened under a filmy white mist, turning the tops of the trees pink, then golden.
I know i am still feeling lost, lonely, and frightened..but, i have to be thankful, anyway. I am luckier then most; i have my eyes and legs and hands..I had a warm bed last night and plenty to eat; if God takes care of the sparrows, then He will take care of me.
I will be back out there today, job hunting...I can't sit by the phone like a teenager waiting for it to ring.. I will finish cleaning the house, and making welcoming foods for J and R..and keep writing..
I started my book yesterday. I have a friend who is a writer, and she is going to critique and edit for me..Perhaps out of the heightened emotions i feel will come something good..This move was a bold one, high stakes for me, and i am not ready yet to throw down my cards...Later.
It was a beautiful sunrise this morning..I sat on the backdeck in my blue batik robe and white socks, with my legs curled under me and my coffee in hand. The sky lightened under a filmy white mist, turning the tops of the trees pink, then golden.
I know i am still feeling lost, lonely, and frightened..but, i have to be thankful, anyway. I am luckier then most; i have my eyes and legs and hands..I had a warm bed last night and plenty to eat; if God takes care of the sparrows, then He will take care of me.
I will be back out there today, job hunting...I can't sit by the phone like a teenager waiting for it to ring.. I will finish cleaning the house, and making welcoming foods for J and R..and keep writing..
I started my book yesterday. I have a friend who is a writer, and she is going to critique and edit for me..Perhaps out of the heightened emotions i feel will come something good..This move was a bold one, high stakes for me, and i am not ready yet to throw down my cards...Later.
Thursday, September 30, 2004
Thursday Night~~
I have not heard from the Great Kahuna, the bestower of jobs...Somehow i am translating this silence as a edictment of my life...No one loves me, no one appreciates me, no one will be there for me, in the middle of the night.
I know that isn't true.. i know i am loved. But am i loved exclusively,? I think not. I am sad, to sleep alone. I am sad, to go to the grocery store, alone. I am saving myself for R...but...am i deluding myself? I am so low, i wonder, what on earth am i doing? Does he send me sweet notes, or whisper in my ear? Nope. He isn't romantic, i know that....but...if you love a woman, isn't there a way to let her know?
Maybe he just doesn't care. Maybe all any man has ever wanted from me was my...well, let's call it my "lust for life"...
So be it. I will just grow my hair down to my bum, and, once again, for the record, "screw them all". I don't need a mate, i just long for one. I don't need a partner, i just long for one. As my family has always told me..."Lisa, you do much better on your own". Great. just great.
I will be a long haired old lady, cranky, with cats, and a red hat. At least, i will be able to say "screw it!" with authority and regularity. Later.
PS. hard to publish this one...wet eyes, like lazers, cutting thru the maybe's.
I have not heard from the Great Kahuna, the bestower of jobs...Somehow i am translating this silence as a edictment of my life...No one loves me, no one appreciates me, no one will be there for me, in the middle of the night.
I know that isn't true.. i know i am loved. But am i loved exclusively,? I think not. I am sad, to sleep alone. I am sad, to go to the grocery store, alone. I am saving myself for R...but...am i deluding myself? I am so low, i wonder, what on earth am i doing? Does he send me sweet notes, or whisper in my ear? Nope. He isn't romantic, i know that....but...if you love a woman, isn't there a way to let her know?
Maybe he just doesn't care. Maybe all any man has ever wanted from me was my...well, let's call it my "lust for life"...
So be it. I will just grow my hair down to my bum, and, once again, for the record, "screw them all". I don't need a mate, i just long for one. I don't need a partner, i just long for one. As my family has always told me..."Lisa, you do much better on your own". Great. just great.
I will be a long haired old lady, cranky, with cats, and a red hat. At least, i will be able to say "screw it!" with authority and regularity. Later.
PS. hard to publish this one...wet eyes, like lazers, cutting thru the maybe's.
Thursday Morning~~
Has it been three days without writing? That's scary..I must be drifting along,or is it floundering along??Where is my promise to write everyday? It must have something to do with the people in my life who have asked me not to write about my locale(afraid the masses will descend on this bit of paradise)and those that are afraid of what intimacies i might reveal. Well, screw it. This is my blog, and i'll write if i want to. (hummed to the tune of "this is my party, and i'll cry if i want to").
ANYWAY....this blog entry is dedicated to my faithful PJ.......
What HAS been going on these last three days??I have been volunteering at the local Senior Citizen Center. I have always had a fascination with the elderly...Beating the odds in surviving at all, wondering what knowledge they hold by sheer experience alone, wondering if age does indeed bring wisdom...Other that that, i just plain find them beautiful. Gnarled hands become graceful in my eyes, wrinkles become exclamation points in facial expressions. I pretend they are my parents, and i honor them.
What do i do there? I listen, and hold hands, and give hugs. I talk like the racy young thing i am, and get lots of laughs and winks in return. I walk them to the bathroom, and lean against the sink, chatting, to cover the embarrassment they feel at being led there, like a child. I can FEEL their emotions, because they don't always speak. I find that a wonderous thing, to FEEL them, and know what to do, and what to say. I wish my parents were alive, so i could care for them, and cherish them, and so, i do the next best thing...i get myself adopted, by the parents at the Center.
And now for the best part...Kismet,karma, coincidence? Sunday afternoon my aunt P.and i were going to the market for milk, and saw a garage sale. STOP!!she said, and stop i did...Somehow, the lady and i started talking, and she mentioned she was the director of the Senior Citizen center.. I asked if they could use volunteers, as i was new in town, and didn't have a job yet. You guessed it....She took me under her wing, explaining that she was moving out of state, and had been praying for a compassionate replacement for her position. To get PAID to take care of the elderly?YIPPIE!!!!!!!!
I dropped off my application to the big Kahuna in a nearby town yesterday, with a special endorsement by the director.(amazing what can happen, eh?).I don't know if i will get it, but i do know that i WANT it. I am nervous, but...not too nervous. Like most of the important happenings in my life, I realize it's in God's hands, not mine, and just let go....Later...
Has it been three days without writing? That's scary..I must be drifting along,or is it floundering along??Where is my promise to write everyday? It must have something to do with the people in my life who have asked me not to write about my locale(afraid the masses will descend on this bit of paradise)and those that are afraid of what intimacies i might reveal. Well, screw it. This is my blog, and i'll write if i want to. (hummed to the tune of "this is my party, and i'll cry if i want to").
ANYWAY....this blog entry is dedicated to my faithful PJ.......
What HAS been going on these last three days??I have been volunteering at the local Senior Citizen Center. I have always had a fascination with the elderly...Beating the odds in surviving at all, wondering what knowledge they hold by sheer experience alone, wondering if age does indeed bring wisdom...Other that that, i just plain find them beautiful. Gnarled hands become graceful in my eyes, wrinkles become exclamation points in facial expressions. I pretend they are my parents, and i honor them.
What do i do there? I listen, and hold hands, and give hugs. I talk like the racy young thing i am, and get lots of laughs and winks in return. I walk them to the bathroom, and lean against the sink, chatting, to cover the embarrassment they feel at being led there, like a child. I can FEEL their emotions, because they don't always speak. I find that a wonderous thing, to FEEL them, and know what to do, and what to say. I wish my parents were alive, so i could care for them, and cherish them, and so, i do the next best thing...i get myself adopted, by the parents at the Center.
And now for the best part...Kismet,karma, coincidence? Sunday afternoon my aunt P.and i were going to the market for milk, and saw a garage sale. STOP!!she said, and stop i did...Somehow, the lady and i started talking, and she mentioned she was the director of the Senior Citizen center.. I asked if they could use volunteers, as i was new in town, and didn't have a job yet. You guessed it....She took me under her wing, explaining that she was moving out of state, and had been praying for a compassionate replacement for her position. To get PAID to take care of the elderly?YIPPIE!!!!!!!!
I dropped off my application to the big Kahuna in a nearby town yesterday, with a special endorsement by the director.(amazing what can happen, eh?).I don't know if i will get it, but i do know that i WANT it. I am nervous, but...not too nervous. Like most of the important happenings in my life, I realize it's in God's hands, not mine, and just let go....Later...
Sunday, September 26, 2004
Sunday Night~~
The house is zen quiet, again. The toys are stored away, the kitchen floor swept and mopped. What a wonderful weekend!! Where to begin? I will begin with the crabfeast on Saturday night...My cousin K went to the Crabs-to-Go takeout (No,i am not kidding)..She and my sister came back lugging a bushel basket FILLED with hot, steamed, spicy crabs...I made corn on the cob...To do a proper maryland crabfeast, first you put newspaper on the table, give everyone a wooden hammer, picks, and beer, (I drank Lemonaid, with a kick)..and then eat your way into exctasy....
Cousin K showed us her method, as a veteran crabaholic, to get to the white, sweet lumpmeat,but, it soon became apparent that everyone develops their own style...
I was in a world of my own, trying not to moan, because to eat a crab was damn near orgasmic for me...Each leg, sucked to taste the spice they cook it in...the little phallic tail you lift up to open the crab; the play of fingers and tongue to ferret out each sweet bite......mnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn...I kept my eyes down most of the time, so noone would notice the gleam in my mermaid eye....
And today....making cookies with the girls, giving each of them my favorite angels, one a music snowball, one a fairy angel, to take home....the looks on their faces, as they held out their hands with closed eyes...
Pouring coffee for R, to take home to jersey, our sunday night tradition, with homemade cookies...Planting with J, making our home prettier and prettier...
Sitting on the porchswing, legs tucked, smiling to myself about the joys of family, and food, and love...ahhhhh....sometimes life is so good, sometimes problems can take a backseat, and joy is yours....Later.
The house is zen quiet, again. The toys are stored away, the kitchen floor swept and mopped. What a wonderful weekend!! Where to begin? I will begin with the crabfeast on Saturday night...My cousin K went to the Crabs-to-Go takeout (No,i am not kidding)..She and my sister came back lugging a bushel basket FILLED with hot, steamed, spicy crabs...I made corn on the cob...To do a proper maryland crabfeast, first you put newspaper on the table, give everyone a wooden hammer, picks, and beer, (I drank Lemonaid, with a kick)..and then eat your way into exctasy....
Cousin K showed us her method, as a veteran crabaholic, to get to the white, sweet lumpmeat,but, it soon became apparent that everyone develops their own style...
I was in a world of my own, trying not to moan, because to eat a crab was damn near orgasmic for me...Each leg, sucked to taste the spice they cook it in...the little phallic tail you lift up to open the crab; the play of fingers and tongue to ferret out each sweet bite......mnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn...I kept my eyes down most of the time, so noone would notice the gleam in my mermaid eye....
And today....making cookies with the girls, giving each of them my favorite angels, one a music snowball, one a fairy angel, to take home....the looks on their faces, as they held out their hands with closed eyes...
Pouring coffee for R, to take home to jersey, our sunday night tradition, with homemade cookies...Planting with J, making our home prettier and prettier...
Sitting on the porchswing, legs tucked, smiling to myself about the joys of family, and food, and love...ahhhhh....sometimes life is so good, sometimes problems can take a backseat, and joy is yours....Later.
Saturday, September 25, 2004
Saturday Morning~~
We danced in the kitchen, we kissed for no reason...and that is my family in a nutshell. Confusion, chaos, hugs and kisses...The first bottle of wine opened, the food laid out, just for a quick nibble..Sweet Sarah and Abby, and baby Jack..The house bearing mega decibels of sound, as the kids ran and laughed and played..My flute was discovered; i became a magical genie as i made it sing ( and i can't even play yet)My room became the pink princess room, with it's high white bed and embroidered coverlet, and, the COMPUTER..which every kid is savvy on these days. We walked downtown, where there was a Fiddler's Convention, and i tried Sarahs cool scooter, and held hands with Aunt Patti, and ate crabcakes from a fastfood truck,while listening to bluegrass. (Going back for more music tonight). Pam at the art gallery in town invited me in for a glass of wine, and it felt good to actually KNOW someone...
Back to the house, and J and R were home from upnorth....More hugs, more chaos, more kisses, more FOOD...And then the serious dancing in the kitchen, the winestems circled with little charms to keep track of whose was whose...(mine was a seahorse).
Candles lit, and...fresh mozzarella with sliced tomatos from the local farm, marinated button mushrooms and orzo salad, Sliced meats and cheeses from the speciality shop in long island..My eggplant capanata and chicken liver and fish dip;sesame topped italian bread from NY, MyGodinHeaven, did we eat..........Getting another cup of coffee...because there's more....Later
We danced in the kitchen, we kissed for no reason...and that is my family in a nutshell. Confusion, chaos, hugs and kisses...The first bottle of wine opened, the food laid out, just for a quick nibble..Sweet Sarah and Abby, and baby Jack..The house bearing mega decibels of sound, as the kids ran and laughed and played..My flute was discovered; i became a magical genie as i made it sing ( and i can't even play yet)My room became the pink princess room, with it's high white bed and embroidered coverlet, and, the COMPUTER..which every kid is savvy on these days. We walked downtown, where there was a Fiddler's Convention, and i tried Sarahs cool scooter, and held hands with Aunt Patti, and ate crabcakes from a fastfood truck,while listening to bluegrass. (Going back for more music tonight). Pam at the art gallery in town invited me in for a glass of wine, and it felt good to actually KNOW someone...
Back to the house, and J and R were home from upnorth....More hugs, more chaos, more kisses, more FOOD...And then the serious dancing in the kitchen, the winestems circled with little charms to keep track of whose was whose...(mine was a seahorse).
Candles lit, and...fresh mozzarella with sliced tomatos from the local farm, marinated button mushrooms and orzo salad, Sliced meats and cheeses from the speciality shop in long island..My eggplant capanata and chicken liver and fish dip;sesame topped italian bread from NY, MyGodinHeaven, did we eat..........Getting another cup of coffee...because there's more....Later
Friday, September 24, 2004
Friday Morning~~
Okay, last night's Drama Queen theatrics are over..I never did swim well in the pity pool. It only took three restarts on the computer this morning, instead of hours of trying,and i have already had my coffee out on the back deck, looking up at the inky black sky, full of stars.
The big pot of sauce is made, with lots of meatballs. The fish is grilled, and ready to flake into a fishdip. Jewish chopped liver ready to slather on crackers, and
now it's time to make the cookies and pies and cake. The family is coming today!!!
At 7:30 I am walking down to the B&B, the owners have asked me to help out for a few hours...then home for the last minute preparations.
Still not sleeping very well, and needing less sleep, too. I know that they come around and wash the streets here at 4am, and if there is a fire they blow a piercing siren that rattles the walls and makes you want to run for your life.
But i can't deny that i was called here, that there is a reason for everything, and, as has happened so many times before, someday i will look back at this time in my life and say "AHHHH!! so THAT's why that happened".
I am back to my optimistic self, and ready for a new day. Time for a warm, sudsy mermaid shower, and i might even sing alittle while i'm in there....Later.....
Okay, last night's Drama Queen theatrics are over..I never did swim well in the pity pool. It only took three restarts on the computer this morning, instead of hours of trying,and i have already had my coffee out on the back deck, looking up at the inky black sky, full of stars.
The big pot of sauce is made, with lots of meatballs. The fish is grilled, and ready to flake into a fishdip. Jewish chopped liver ready to slather on crackers, and
now it's time to make the cookies and pies and cake. The family is coming today!!!
At 7:30 I am walking down to the B&B, the owners have asked me to help out for a few hours...then home for the last minute preparations.
Still not sleeping very well, and needing less sleep, too. I know that they come around and wash the streets here at 4am, and if there is a fire they blow a piercing siren that rattles the walls and makes you want to run for your life.
But i can't deny that i was called here, that there is a reason for everything, and, as has happened so many times before, someday i will look back at this time in my life and say "AHHHH!! so THAT's why that happened".
I am back to my optimistic self, and ready for a new day. Time for a warm, sudsy mermaid shower, and i might even sing alittle while i'm in there....Later.....
Thursday, September 23, 2004
Thursday Night~~
In my next life, i want to come back as one of my children. Why doesn't J. SEE? I am cooking, he says he wants to learn....so, where IS he? My God, I would like in this lifetime to have someone take care of me...It gets pretty damn tiring, holding the wolves at bay, always on alert. I see women, ugly women, stupid women, mean women, and they have rocks on their fingers and eat bon-bons all day...Where on EARTH did i go wrong??? I know where....3 wealthy men have asked me to be their wife...and i declined each invitation...why? Because i didn't love them....As if that is the criteria for a good life....
JeezeApete..i am bitter tonight....I miss my lover, i miss the taste of his mouth, the curve of his legs, wrapped around me in the middle of the night. I miss my home, with the 100 year old maples in the front yard, and, by now, the hydrangea tree is blossoming wildly in peach. I miss T., and K, and the babies...and the long slope of my street, before i see the picket fence..
I don't have a home anymore. I don't belong anywhere. If it wasn't for J, i think i would just calmly pack my things, and stick out my thumb.
This isn't my world; it's a world of sucessful yuppies and dottering retirees. I am neither. I am just a girlin Walden's Pond, half drowning, determined not to perish...at least not today....Later
In my next life, i want to come back as one of my children. Why doesn't J. SEE? I am cooking, he says he wants to learn....so, where IS he? My God, I would like in this lifetime to have someone take care of me...It gets pretty damn tiring, holding the wolves at bay, always on alert. I see women, ugly women, stupid women, mean women, and they have rocks on their fingers and eat bon-bons all day...Where on EARTH did i go wrong??? I know where....3 wealthy men have asked me to be their wife...and i declined each invitation...why? Because i didn't love them....As if that is the criteria for a good life....
JeezeApete..i am bitter tonight....I miss my lover, i miss the taste of his mouth, the curve of his legs, wrapped around me in the middle of the night. I miss my home, with the 100 year old maples in the front yard, and, by now, the hydrangea tree is blossoming wildly in peach. I miss T., and K, and the babies...and the long slope of my street, before i see the picket fence..
I don't have a home anymore. I don't belong anywhere. If it wasn't for J, i think i would just calmly pack my things, and stick out my thumb.
This isn't my world; it's a world of sucessful yuppies and dottering retirees. I am neither. I am just a girlin Walden's Pond, half drowning, determined not to perish...at least not today....Later
Thursday afternoon~~
Typing fast here, on the cuff, because my computer seems to have the same malady i have....never sure wheither it is coming or going. It took me 4 hours of trying today, and the internet provider, though supremely willing to help me, was as confounded as i. The only way i can connect is to pray, and keep shutting it down until it finally magically works..Amadeus, my computer wizard, wish you were here!
All excited about aunt patti, kelly, and the kids coming. I am cleaning the house like mad, even though it's not dirty. I am going to the store, and doing my best to have welcoming foods. I love them, plain and simple. My family has a heart, so big, so glorious, that i cannot even find the words to explain what they mean to me. They are a pink velvet ribbon on a little girl's throat...they are the wicked waves of a storm tossed sea, they are as luscious as a garden tomato, ripe in the sun, and the vastness of the sky. Overwritten, hopelessly in love with my family? Hopelessly romantic? Yes...i am all of those things. And i can only repay them with cookies and meatballs........
The interview went fine...wonderful, as a matter of fact. The district manager looked like a skinny Ronald Reagan, so, as we chatted, i pretended i was talking to Patrick Swayze in a ronald reagan mask...what was that movie????I was glad i had on a long skirt, because i caught myself crossing and uncrossing my legs,not such a good thing to do in a job interview, but, great for flirting with Patrick Swayze(sorry, George)...Ha!! You thought i forgot i embarass you from time to time, my darling brother?
The only opening is an hour and a half away, in virginia...I am so torn....if i take it, then i start work monday...if not...the only opening is two to three weeks away., i don't know if i can hold out that long....Any advise????
Back to my work, and hopefully i will be able to be online later.
Blogging is like a love affair; I cannot help but anticipate, rushing to see if my lover has responded....and, i always want more.
Later...........
Typing fast here, on the cuff, because my computer seems to have the same malady i have....never sure wheither it is coming or going. It took me 4 hours of trying today, and the internet provider, though supremely willing to help me, was as confounded as i. The only way i can connect is to pray, and keep shutting it down until it finally magically works..Amadeus, my computer wizard, wish you were here!
All excited about aunt patti, kelly, and the kids coming. I am cleaning the house like mad, even though it's not dirty. I am going to the store, and doing my best to have welcoming foods. I love them, plain and simple. My family has a heart, so big, so glorious, that i cannot even find the words to explain what they mean to me. They are a pink velvet ribbon on a little girl's throat...they are the wicked waves of a storm tossed sea, they are as luscious as a garden tomato, ripe in the sun, and the vastness of the sky. Overwritten, hopelessly in love with my family? Hopelessly romantic? Yes...i am all of those things. And i can only repay them with cookies and meatballs........
The interview went fine...wonderful, as a matter of fact. The district manager looked like a skinny Ronald Reagan, so, as we chatted, i pretended i was talking to Patrick Swayze in a ronald reagan mask...what was that movie????I was glad i had on a long skirt, because i caught myself crossing and uncrossing my legs,not such a good thing to do in a job interview, but, great for flirting with Patrick Swayze(sorry, George)...Ha!! You thought i forgot i embarass you from time to time, my darling brother?
The only opening is an hour and a half away, in virginia...I am so torn....if i take it, then i start work monday...if not...the only opening is two to three weeks away., i don't know if i can hold out that long....Any advise????
Back to my work, and hopefully i will be able to be online later.
Blogging is like a love affair; I cannot help but anticipate, rushing to see if my lover has responded....and, i always want more.
Later...........
Wednesday, September 22, 2004
Wednesday Morning
Doing all the girlie stuff that has to be done to polish up my image....I don't know how women do it, spend hours plucking their brows, and polishing their nails, slathering creams and all that other mysterious feminine stuff. It's fun every once in awhile, sort of a body meditation...but, as a way of life to stay attractive? No, thanks. I'd rather read a book, or bake cookies, or write, or, or, or...well, just about ANYTHING else.
It's going to be weird slipping into pantyhose, sliding into heels...My navy suit is pressed, and ready, my soft blue blouse crispy pressed. I have so many sides to me,it makes me giggle inside.(makes ALL of us/me giggle inside).
Only thing left to do is make sure i have my references in order, and find the place. Mapquest says only 30 minutes away, i figure if i leave 1-1/2 hours ahead of time, i should be safe.
Do i like the thought of the long hours, the just ok pay, the corp rules again? Nope, not on your life. But, since i don't have a fairy godmother to help me launch a creative business, or support me while i write my book, I will take the job, if offered it, with bells on and a smile....off i go, Later
Doing all the girlie stuff that has to be done to polish up my image....I don't know how women do it, spend hours plucking their brows, and polishing their nails, slathering creams and all that other mysterious feminine stuff. It's fun every once in awhile, sort of a body meditation...but, as a way of life to stay attractive? No, thanks. I'd rather read a book, or bake cookies, or write, or, or, or...well, just about ANYTHING else.
It's going to be weird slipping into pantyhose, sliding into heels...My navy suit is pressed, and ready, my soft blue blouse crispy pressed. I have so many sides to me,it makes me giggle inside.(makes ALL of us/me giggle inside).
Only thing left to do is make sure i have my references in order, and find the place. Mapquest says only 30 minutes away, i figure if i leave 1-1/2 hours ahead of time, i should be safe.
Do i like the thought of the long hours, the just ok pay, the corp rules again? Nope, not on your life. But, since i don't have a fairy godmother to help me launch a creative business, or support me while i write my book, I will take the job, if offered it, with bells on and a smile....off i go, Later
Wednesday Morning
Doing all the girlie stuff that has to be done to polish up my image....I don't know how women do it, spend hours plucking their brows, and polishing their nails, slathering creams and all that other mysterious feminine stuff. It's fun every once in awhile, sort of a body meditation...but, as a way of life to stay attractive? No, thanks. I'd rather read a book, or bake cookies, or write, or, or, or...well, just about ANYTHING else.
It's going to be weird slipping into pantyhose, sliding into heels...My navy suit is pressed, and ready, my soft blue blouse crispy pressed. I have so many sides to me,it makes me giggle inside.(makes ALL of us/me giggle inside).
Only thing left to do is make sure i have my references in order, and find the place. Mapquest says only 30 minutes away, i figure if i leave 1-1/2 hours ahead of time, i should be safe.
Do i like the thought of the long hours, the just ok pay, the corp rules again? Nope, not on your life. But, since i don't have a fairy godmother to help me launch a creative business, or support me while i write my book, I will take the job, if offered it, with bells on and a smile....off i go, Later
Doing all the girlie stuff that has to be done to polish up my image....I don't know how women do it, spend hours plucking their brows, and polishing their nails, slathering creams and all that other mysterious feminine stuff. It's fun every once in awhile, sort of a body meditation...but, as a way of life to stay attractive? No, thanks. I'd rather read a book, or bake cookies, or write, or, or, or...well, just about ANYTHING else.
It's going to be weird slipping into pantyhose, sliding into heels...My navy suit is pressed, and ready, my soft blue blouse crispy pressed. I have so many sides to me,it makes me giggle inside.(makes ALL of us/me giggle inside).
Only thing left to do is make sure i have my references in order, and find the place. Mapquest says only 30 minutes away, i figure if i leave 1-1/2 hours ahead of time, i should be safe.
Do i like the thought of the long hours, the just ok pay, the corp rules again? Nope, not on your life. But, since i don't have a fairy godmother to help me launch a creative business, or support me while i write my book, I will take the job, if offered it, with bells on and a smile....off i go, Later
Tuesday, September 21, 2004
Tuesday Evening~~
How easy it is not to write, not to express yourself, but, rather, to hide away, keeping your secrets, keeping up fences of self-defense.
To blog this past week has been too painful..for my thoughts have not been light, or funny, or even beautiful. I am well aware that my family reads my blogs, using them as a pulse, to see how i am doing in my new home.
I am learning to do fine; i am meeting people, i am enjoying the intrinsic beauty of Delmarva Pennisula. Justin is still hard, very hard at times. As i have been trying to write, for example, he has interrupted me five times already..my concentration is broken.
My computer server is different, and though it's fast, it isn't reliable..I have a new morning routine, and i feel very thrown off....
But, tomorrow, thank God for tomorrows...it's a new day...
P.S....Have a job interview tomorrow in the afternoon with the district mgr of the drug store....wish me luck and send me prayers! Later......
How easy it is not to write, not to express yourself, but, rather, to hide away, keeping your secrets, keeping up fences of self-defense.
To blog this past week has been too painful..for my thoughts have not been light, or funny, or even beautiful. I am well aware that my family reads my blogs, using them as a pulse, to see how i am doing in my new home.
I am learning to do fine; i am meeting people, i am enjoying the intrinsic beauty of Delmarva Pennisula. Justin is still hard, very hard at times. As i have been trying to write, for example, he has interrupted me five times already..my concentration is broken.
My computer server is different, and though it's fast, it isn't reliable..I have a new morning routine, and i feel very thrown off....
But, tomorrow, thank God for tomorrows...it's a new day...
P.S....Have a job interview tomorrow in the afternoon with the district mgr of the drug store....wish me luck and send me prayers! Later......
Saturday, September 18, 2004
Saturday, Early afternoon~~
It's still gray and listless out, but, that's okay. Things are up and down with Justin, but, that's okay, too. I feel a deep sense of anticapation, like christmas is almost here. Why? I don't know. I found a course on fiction writing at the local community college, and i am going to take it. It starts this tuesday night.
I haven't heard from the drugstore yet, but, i think i am going to get it, anyway, with my background and just, well, because i think i am.
I am waking up again in the middle of the night, wide awake, staring into the darkness. I am not afraid, i am not lonely, merely....wide awake...I pull the curtains aside, and look out into the darkness of the backyard. Nothing stirs, nothing beacons, but, i still get the feeling i am being watched, and measured, and soon, the last piece of the puzzle will fall into place.
Our first official non-family house guest is here. His name is George, and he is very affable. He brought my sister and robert a bottle of Mumm's champagne for a houseworking gift. He's a vegetarian, so, i guess he won't be eating any of the bacon i cooked for brunch.(oops!)
Jan is off, doing her social butterfly thing, and i have set a beautiful brunch table with the Dutch blue china, and a yellow and blue tablecloth.
I nibbled on bagels she brought down from Manhattan, and faded away to write here in Mermaids....Today i think we are going to virginia, to chincoteague island, the virginia counterpart to assateaque island. Another adventure......later.
It's still gray and listless out, but, that's okay. Things are up and down with Justin, but, that's okay, too. I feel a deep sense of anticapation, like christmas is almost here. Why? I don't know. I found a course on fiction writing at the local community college, and i am going to take it. It starts this tuesday night.
I haven't heard from the drugstore yet, but, i think i am going to get it, anyway, with my background and just, well, because i think i am.
I am waking up again in the middle of the night, wide awake, staring into the darkness. I am not afraid, i am not lonely, merely....wide awake...I pull the curtains aside, and look out into the darkness of the backyard. Nothing stirs, nothing beacons, but, i still get the feeling i am being watched, and measured, and soon, the last piece of the puzzle will fall into place.
Our first official non-family house guest is here. His name is George, and he is very affable. He brought my sister and robert a bottle of Mumm's champagne for a houseworking gift. He's a vegetarian, so, i guess he won't be eating any of the bacon i cooked for brunch.(oops!)
Jan is off, doing her social butterfly thing, and i have set a beautiful brunch table with the Dutch blue china, and a yellow and blue tablecloth.
I nibbled on bagels she brought down from Manhattan, and faded away to write here in Mermaids....Today i think we are going to virginia, to chincoteague island, the virginia counterpart to assateaque island. Another adventure......later.
Friday, September 17, 2004
Good Morning, World!!
Are you all ready????I saw the redbird!!!! Not once, but twice. Early this morning, i sat sipping my coffee on the back deck. Behind the wrought iron fence i saw him....walk-hopping, brightest of bright, against the blackness of the iron. A great, wide smile broke out on my face, and i raised my coffee cup in salute.
I knew it was coming, because i heard Hope call my name last night on the beach. It is a miraculous place, empty of all man has to offer...no hotels, no lights, no signs....just mile after mile of sand, and sea, and sky. As i walked, with the salt in the air perfuming my nose, my only companions were baby crabs, skittering sideways into mysterious little holes, pelicans in flight, and seagulls standing sentinel along the dunes.
The sky embraced me, rolling clouds giving way to a deep red and purple window of light, as the sun slipped away.
I asked "Which way do i go, God?" "Which way?" And my answer, as i looked up, was clear...a jet left a wide white plume in the sky...directly in front of me. The answer, of course, was easy. Just keep going straight ahead....and that's what i am going to do.
The redbird? I laughed that i didn't see him in graceful flight, but, rather, hop-walking along. Just like me, right now.
As i got up to go inside, i had one more treat...He flew..not away, but directly towards me, and landed on the maple tree not 15 feet away. He regarded me steadily, tilted his head to the side...(can birds smile? because this one did) and he was gone. Later.........
Are you all ready????I saw the redbird!!!! Not once, but twice. Early this morning, i sat sipping my coffee on the back deck. Behind the wrought iron fence i saw him....walk-hopping, brightest of bright, against the blackness of the iron. A great, wide smile broke out on my face, and i raised my coffee cup in salute.
I knew it was coming, because i heard Hope call my name last night on the beach. It is a miraculous place, empty of all man has to offer...no hotels, no lights, no signs....just mile after mile of sand, and sea, and sky. As i walked, with the salt in the air perfuming my nose, my only companions were baby crabs, skittering sideways into mysterious little holes, pelicans in flight, and seagulls standing sentinel along the dunes.
The sky embraced me, rolling clouds giving way to a deep red and purple window of light, as the sun slipped away.
I asked "Which way do i go, God?" "Which way?" And my answer, as i looked up, was clear...a jet left a wide white plume in the sky...directly in front of me. The answer, of course, was easy. Just keep going straight ahead....and that's what i am going to do.
The redbird? I laughed that i didn't see him in graceful flight, but, rather, hop-walking along. Just like me, right now.
As i got up to go inside, i had one more treat...He flew..not away, but directly towards me, and landed on the maple tree not 15 feet away. He regarded me steadily, tilted his head to the side...(can birds smile? because this one did) and he was gone. Later.........
Thursday, September 16, 2004
Thursday Morning,
I awoke before six, and went outside to watch to sky turn pink in the east. I wondered if the ponies ran the beach at that hour, noses up, waiting for the day.
I didn't go look...but, rather, snuggled back in my cloud of a bed, content.
I am back. Truly back. I have changed my screensaver to a picture of Todd and K.,sitting in my front porch swing, wide, sassy grins on their dear faces. I have my nephew, C, coming tonight, with his fiancee.., and a new dryer my sister bought being delivered this morning.
I rearranged the guest room upstairs, and hung lace curtains at the windows, and it's ready for the first overnight guest that i don't know this saturday...a friend of my brother-in-law.
I am calling Rite-Aid today, and I have a crazy hunch of a job elsewhere that i am going to explore.
I am going to enjoy this respite from work, instead of squirming in anxiety about money. For, the truth is, it's not something i can change at this given moment, so, i might as well use the time happily.
Off i go, to a brandnew day...Later.
I awoke before six, and went outside to watch to sky turn pink in the east. I wondered if the ponies ran the beach at that hour, noses up, waiting for the day.
I didn't go look...but, rather, snuggled back in my cloud of a bed, content.
I am back. Truly back. I have changed my screensaver to a picture of Todd and K.,sitting in my front porch swing, wide, sassy grins on their dear faces. I have my nephew, C, coming tonight, with his fiancee.., and a new dryer my sister bought being delivered this morning.
I rearranged the guest room upstairs, and hung lace curtains at the windows, and it's ready for the first overnight guest that i don't know this saturday...a friend of my brother-in-law.
I am calling Rite-Aid today, and I have a crazy hunch of a job elsewhere that i am going to explore.
I am going to enjoy this respite from work, instead of squirming in anxiety about money. For, the truth is, it's not something i can change at this given moment, so, i might as well use the time happily.
Off i go, to a brandnew day...Later.
Wednesday, September 15, 2004
Wednesday Night~~
First, thank you, amadeus...you are such a loving friend. Your reply today was what i was thinking, you just put it to words for me.
Justin should know in a few days about his job...the owners are out of town. I had to push him out of the car, with prayers and a swift kick, but, i watched him in the rear view mirror, (even though i DID tell him "pull up your pants!" and, he walked tall. Such a serious, intelligent young man, such a mere infant, sigh.
Me? well, i cleaned and put away my books, and left a message for the DM of the drugstore. I have a horrible feeling that i transposed the numbers in my new phone number, something i do when i am nervous.
We rented a video downtown. The local toughgirl, about 200 bucks soaking wet, shook my hand and almost crushed it. I forgot to wear makeup, and my hair was at it's best..yanked up in a clip, with a frizzy poodle-doo in the front.
The lady behind the counter greeted me..."you must be the new woman in town" I was startled...how did she KNOW? She asked me how i liked the town...and i said, "well, i enjoy all the cornfields, and the sea is wonderful". Dead silence.
"where u-all from?" she queried. "uhmmm, Detroit". Her eyes widened, and i think she did a quick visual, looking for weapons.
"what da u-all do?" I wanted to say i was a missionary, or, librarian, or, i inherited my moohlah, but, instead, i blurted out..."I am a Writer!"
Shit. the book isn't written yet. I can't believe i said that.
I have to blame my sweetest friend, Flora. She started me blogging. She told me i could write. Once i started writing, last March, it was all over for me.
First, came the practice. Then, came the kernel of thought....could i, would i? write a book? Then came the idea,,,what to write about? Then came the book premise...Then, finally, the title...which is....
Redbird. (of course)
Broke, scared, and finally happy,
later.
First, thank you, amadeus...you are such a loving friend. Your reply today was what i was thinking, you just put it to words for me.
Justin should know in a few days about his job...the owners are out of town. I had to push him out of the car, with prayers and a swift kick, but, i watched him in the rear view mirror, (even though i DID tell him "pull up your pants!" and, he walked tall. Such a serious, intelligent young man, such a mere infant, sigh.
Me? well, i cleaned and put away my books, and left a message for the DM of the drugstore. I have a horrible feeling that i transposed the numbers in my new phone number, something i do when i am nervous.
We rented a video downtown. The local toughgirl, about 200 bucks soaking wet, shook my hand and almost crushed it. I forgot to wear makeup, and my hair was at it's best..yanked up in a clip, with a frizzy poodle-doo in the front.
The lady behind the counter greeted me..."you must be the new woman in town" I was startled...how did she KNOW? She asked me how i liked the town...and i said, "well, i enjoy all the cornfields, and the sea is wonderful". Dead silence.
"where u-all from?" she queried. "uhmmm, Detroit". Her eyes widened, and i think she did a quick visual, looking for weapons.
"what da u-all do?" I wanted to say i was a missionary, or, librarian, or, i inherited my moohlah, but, instead, i blurted out..."I am a Writer!"
Shit. the book isn't written yet. I can't believe i said that.
I have to blame my sweetest friend, Flora. She started me blogging. She told me i could write. Once i started writing, last March, it was all over for me.
First, came the practice. Then, came the kernel of thought....could i, would i? write a book? Then came the idea,,,what to write about? Then came the book premise...Then, finally, the title...which is....
Redbird. (of course)
Broke, scared, and finally happy,
later.
Wednesday Morning~~
Before i opened my eyes this morning, i heard the redbird sing. The wind ruffled through the sheer white curtains in my bedroom, and i sat up, looking for my first glimpse of my totem bird since i have been in maryland. I heard her clearly, but couldnt see her.
Not yet. I haven't seen her yet. This concerns me, because i inhabit a world of secret signs and omens, that somehow overlap and fit into my everyday practicality.
I am fighting a war right now. It is a singular war, against depression and low self-esteem. It keeps me from writing, because i see my words as a whining, woe-is-me victim, instead of the poet-warrior i am meant to be.
So, today as i heard the redbird, and didn't see her, i DO take it as a sign..A sign that all will be well, even if i don't see it. I just have to work with what i have, keep exploring the area until it becomes familiar, find solace in the sea, and put on a happy face.
Today J. has a job interview at 12 noon, working for a Doggie-hotel. Can you believe it? A bed and breakfast for dogs. Last night we got out the papers for the Home Schooling program, and we will call on that today..or rather, HE will call, i will just be standing by.
I am faxing my resume to a local newspaper, looking for a classified salesperson...sounds interesting, so, why not? I am also going to get in touch with the District Mgr. of one the national drugstores i used to work at, it's decent, all year round employment, with good benefits. What does it matter, as long as i write my book in the meantime?
Off i go, to fight my war, to find beauty where i can, to keep active, to keep a smile on my face, and hope in my heart. Later.
Before i opened my eyes this morning, i heard the redbird sing. The wind ruffled through the sheer white curtains in my bedroom, and i sat up, looking for my first glimpse of my totem bird since i have been in maryland. I heard her clearly, but couldnt see her.
Not yet. I haven't seen her yet. This concerns me, because i inhabit a world of secret signs and omens, that somehow overlap and fit into my everyday practicality.
I am fighting a war right now. It is a singular war, against depression and low self-esteem. It keeps me from writing, because i see my words as a whining, woe-is-me victim, instead of the poet-warrior i am meant to be.
So, today as i heard the redbird, and didn't see her, i DO take it as a sign..A sign that all will be well, even if i don't see it. I just have to work with what i have, keep exploring the area until it becomes familiar, find solace in the sea, and put on a happy face.
Today J. has a job interview at 12 noon, working for a Doggie-hotel. Can you believe it? A bed and breakfast for dogs. Last night we got out the papers for the Home Schooling program, and we will call on that today..or rather, HE will call, i will just be standing by.
I am faxing my resume to a local newspaper, looking for a classified salesperson...sounds interesting, so, why not? I am also going to get in touch with the District Mgr. of one the national drugstores i used to work at, it's decent, all year round employment, with good benefits. What does it matter, as long as i write my book in the meantime?
Off i go, to fight my war, to find beauty where i can, to keep active, to keep a smile on my face, and hope in my heart. Later.
Tuesday, September 14, 2004
tuesday night~~
I just wanted to say thank you for all your support...those of you that i know personally, and those of you who have come to know me from my writings..
I am trying to write everyday, but, i confess, my heart just isn't in it right now.....early to bed tonight, and looking towards a new day...later.
I just wanted to say thank you for all your support...those of you that i know personally, and those of you who have come to know me from my writings..
I am trying to write everyday, but, i confess, my heart just isn't in it right now.....early to bed tonight, and looking towards a new day...later.
Monday, September 13, 2004
Monday Morning~~
They say there is such as phenomenon as the "dark night of the soul". I don't think this is an isolated happening, in any life...But, rather, a series of chapters of growth, where we are all alone in the dark, afraid, longing for comfort, longing for the light..
Some of us call to our mommies, some of us whistle, some of us numb ourselves with drug, or drink. Most of us pray, pray as we whistle, pray as we drink, pray as we drug...All of us, i think, move thru the darkness with the bogeyman over our shoulder, all of us grow in wisdom, in experience, as we walk that dark corridor that we hope we never see again.
Do i think that suffering is necessary for growth? With a heavy heart, wishing i could say elsewise, i say, unequivocally, YES.
Maybe the saints were right, all along. Personally, the many avenues of pain i have suffered, have not killed me, just made me stronger.
I am not discounting the bird in flight, the beauty of the blossom, the scent of lavender. I am not discounting the delicacy of a hand held, or the tears of joy in the throes of intimacy.
I am only saying, have the courage to walk thru the darkest of nights...the darkness that flows from the physical world we inhabit, the even darker state of our minds, as we leave familiarity, leave relationships, leave the known.
I want to meet Christopher Columbus in heaven. He sailed the ocean, deep and vast and magnificent, with only his instincts and dreams leading him to a horizon others said was flat.
Go for it. Christopher was right. You don't drop off the horizon. The world is round, not flat.
I am back, the mermaid beached on the shore, gasping for breath. I have walked my dark night, weeping over my separation from my front porch swing, my son, my love, Todd, my proximity to all that is known and dear.
I am back, growling at the lack of money, the unpaid bills. I am strengthening my backbone, as Justin, the child i wanted to save from pain, runs back to it, to Michigan.
I walked 5 miles on the beach this morning, my companions my aching feet, sandpipers, and bits of broken shell.
The wild ponies raced along the water, and i heard, impossibly, a redbird cry my beloved"pretty, pretty, pretty". I walked slow, the flowered backpack i thought i should discard filled with water, a pen, paper, and my keys.
I asked God...why did i do this crazy thing? Why am i here?
All i heard was the rhythm of the water. All i saw was the sleek line of sky and sea.I asked for a sign...i prayed for work....
I wanted something spectacular...dolphins arcing in play..a perfect conch shell.
Instead.....
I got a walking stick..Driftwood, with a gnarled edge, a rounded shape..yet, perfectly fitted to my height and hand.
So...thanks, God. For being there thru my "darkest night"..Not miraculous transporting me out of my pain, but giving me a walking stick. later.
They say there is such as phenomenon as the "dark night of the soul". I don't think this is an isolated happening, in any life...But, rather, a series of chapters of growth, where we are all alone in the dark, afraid, longing for comfort, longing for the light..
Some of us call to our mommies, some of us whistle, some of us numb ourselves with drug, or drink. Most of us pray, pray as we whistle, pray as we drink, pray as we drug...All of us, i think, move thru the darkness with the bogeyman over our shoulder, all of us grow in wisdom, in experience, as we walk that dark corridor that we hope we never see again.
Do i think that suffering is necessary for growth? With a heavy heart, wishing i could say elsewise, i say, unequivocally, YES.
Maybe the saints were right, all along. Personally, the many avenues of pain i have suffered, have not killed me, just made me stronger.
I am not discounting the bird in flight, the beauty of the blossom, the scent of lavender. I am not discounting the delicacy of a hand held, or the tears of joy in the throes of intimacy.
I am only saying, have the courage to walk thru the darkest of nights...the darkness that flows from the physical world we inhabit, the even darker state of our minds, as we leave familiarity, leave relationships, leave the known.
I want to meet Christopher Columbus in heaven. He sailed the ocean, deep and vast and magnificent, with only his instincts and dreams leading him to a horizon others said was flat.
Go for it. Christopher was right. You don't drop off the horizon. The world is round, not flat.
I am back, the mermaid beached on the shore, gasping for breath. I have walked my dark night, weeping over my separation from my front porch swing, my son, my love, Todd, my proximity to all that is known and dear.
I am back, growling at the lack of money, the unpaid bills. I am strengthening my backbone, as Justin, the child i wanted to save from pain, runs back to it, to Michigan.
I walked 5 miles on the beach this morning, my companions my aching feet, sandpipers, and bits of broken shell.
The wild ponies raced along the water, and i heard, impossibly, a redbird cry my beloved"pretty, pretty, pretty". I walked slow, the flowered backpack i thought i should discard filled with water, a pen, paper, and my keys.
I asked God...why did i do this crazy thing? Why am i here?
All i heard was the rhythm of the water. All i saw was the sleek line of sky and sea.I asked for a sign...i prayed for work....
I wanted something spectacular...dolphins arcing in play..a perfect conch shell.
Instead.....
I got a walking stick..Driftwood, with a gnarled edge, a rounded shape..yet, perfectly fitted to my height and hand.
So...thanks, God. For being there thru my "darkest night"..Not miraculous transporting me out of my pain, but giving me a walking stick. later.
Saturday, September 11, 2004
Saturday Morning~~
I guess i never expected to be so homesick. I keep reminding myself that i need to give myself time....time to settle in, time to make this my home. My sister has tried so hard to make me welcome...the strangeness will wear off, right?
I am going to the beach in a few minutes, and walk. I hear a redbird every morning, but i haven't seen him yet....My fingers feel depressed on the keyboard..., how funny!! never heard of depressed fingers before...must be a writer's block type of ailment.,lol...
So, i am taking the advise i have so often given to others...cheer up, get moving, and it will be okay....later.
I guess i never expected to be so homesick. I keep reminding myself that i need to give myself time....time to settle in, time to make this my home. My sister has tried so hard to make me welcome...the strangeness will wear off, right?
I am going to the beach in a few minutes, and walk. I hear a redbird every morning, but i haven't seen him yet....My fingers feel depressed on the keyboard..., how funny!! never heard of depressed fingers before...must be a writer's block type of ailment.,lol...
So, i am taking the advise i have so often given to others...cheer up, get moving, and it will be okay....later.
Friday, September 10, 2004
Thursday Night~~
Home is where the heart is...God Bless whoever wrote that..because, today, i know it is true. I am now living in a beautiful house...so beautiful, i would not dare to eat an icecream sandwich on the couch. The sea is so close, and the sky...well, the stars reach down and kiss you...
And me? i miss my little cottage. I am waking up each night in dead sweats, I miss my son. I miss the stupid mattress store. I miss the winding road, to my house. I miss .....well, i miss everything. I am just a coward. I don't know why i moved. I miss Justin's girlfriend, with her serious eyes, and her tiny little waist, and i miss my grandbabies(even though i can't really claim them yet.) I miss my red tomatoes, and my swing, and i miss my flowers.
Why in God's name did i do this?????This house makes funny noises in the middle of the night, and, i am locking the doors, scared. Later
Home is where the heart is...God Bless whoever wrote that..because, today, i know it is true. I am now living in a beautiful house...so beautiful, i would not dare to eat an icecream sandwich on the couch. The sea is so close, and the sky...well, the stars reach down and kiss you...
And me? i miss my little cottage. I am waking up each night in dead sweats, I miss my son. I miss the stupid mattress store. I miss the winding road, to my house. I miss .....well, i miss everything. I am just a coward. I don't know why i moved. I miss Justin's girlfriend, with her serious eyes, and her tiny little waist, and i miss my grandbabies(even though i can't really claim them yet.) I miss my red tomatoes, and my swing, and i miss my flowers.
Why in God's name did i do this?????This house makes funny noises in the middle of the night, and, i am locking the doors, scared. Later
Friday, September 03, 2004
Thursday, September 02, 2004
Thursday Night~~The witches of waterford..
I wanted so much to make homemade salsa from the garden, and light candles, and wear a flowing skirt, with bright red, painted lips. Instead, i wore jeans, and no bra, and my naked face peered out from my glasses. My curls were corraled, in a big, wicked clip, and i drank alot of wine.
And the people that loved me? They are the ones that don't really have alot, if you talk about material things, but, they are so rich, so real, that i know that i have sat with them before, in heaven, and just leaned back and laughed..and probably shared a meal or two, or ten thousand.
Ginny packed the clean clothes, fresh from the laundry mat. Mary organized my camping gear. Andrea made the boys pick up, and Lindsey, God love her, sick as a dog, and delicately excusing herself to be sick, ferried things from box to box.
My Todd bought pizza, and was the perfect host(chip off the old block) And, in his do-rag, six foot two, and watchful, made it all happen.
J..well, he gave me his last hurrah in michigan...tried to fight with me...and i just was exausted by his bullshit. He picked up a plate, went to throw it...and i said.."go for it...if that's the best you can do...because, i am going to pop you a good one if you really piss me off..i don't have time for your crap tonight." Then i walked out the door...went back to my friends, and the love i felt as i gave things away, and the wine didn't hurt, either.
Amazing...i didn't hear a crash...guess it wasn't the same with no audience...
They all toasted me..and i felt so, so loved...My gift to them was to go around the circle, and do a phychic reading...I don't do it often, it is very draining...but, i wanted so badly to give back....I think i gave them some insight, and hopefully some foresight...
Now, it's time for bed...I haven't even told you about my visit with my friend Pat...but, that's another story...later.
I wanted so much to make homemade salsa from the garden, and light candles, and wear a flowing skirt, with bright red, painted lips. Instead, i wore jeans, and no bra, and my naked face peered out from my glasses. My curls were corraled, in a big, wicked clip, and i drank alot of wine.
And the people that loved me? They are the ones that don't really have alot, if you talk about material things, but, they are so rich, so real, that i know that i have sat with them before, in heaven, and just leaned back and laughed..and probably shared a meal or two, or ten thousand.
Ginny packed the clean clothes, fresh from the laundry mat. Mary organized my camping gear. Andrea made the boys pick up, and Lindsey, God love her, sick as a dog, and delicately excusing herself to be sick, ferried things from box to box.
My Todd bought pizza, and was the perfect host(chip off the old block) And, in his do-rag, six foot two, and watchful, made it all happen.
J..well, he gave me his last hurrah in michigan...tried to fight with me...and i just was exausted by his bullshit. He picked up a plate, went to throw it...and i said.."go for it...if that's the best you can do...because, i am going to pop you a good one if you really piss me off..i don't have time for your crap tonight." Then i walked out the door...went back to my friends, and the love i felt as i gave things away, and the wine didn't hurt, either.
Amazing...i didn't hear a crash...guess it wasn't the same with no audience...
They all toasted me..and i felt so, so loved...My gift to them was to go around the circle, and do a phychic reading...I don't do it often, it is very draining...but, i wanted so badly to give back....I think i gave them some insight, and hopefully some foresight...
Now, it's time for bed...I haven't even told you about my visit with my friend Pat...but, that's another story...later.
Thursday Morning~
I have spent the last three days in prayer. Not white-gloved, kneel in church prayer, just a running dialog with God. I have gone to the source with all my dreams and hopes and fears, asking for guidance and a miracle. What i was looking for was a financial miracle,because moving day is tomorrow, and there just isn't much money left. Don't let anyone tell you miracles don't exist...they do. Mine have come when i wrestle my ego to it's knees, and just let go...and, let God.
I still haven't seen that green miracle, but, my faith is strong. I guess He had a more important miracle to take care of first.
Last night, 12am, i tossed and turned, eyes wide open in the dark, thinking about J., and his decision...This is unusual for me, because i am one of those lucky people that fall asleep as soon as i hit the pillow. "Momma? are you asleep?" It was J. at my door. "Can we talk?"
Out we went to the front porch swing, to sit in the dark,with the moon gleaming through the tall maples, and a cup of tea. Maybe staying with his friend wasn't such a good idea, he began. How was he going to make it on his own, without a job, a car, an education? Maybe he wasn't ready. I let him talk, and didn't interrupt, all the while silently thanking God, for THIS was the miracle He had in store for me.
There is a selfish part of me that said "Oh No!", because once i got used to the fact that i was going to maryland alone, i started to fantasize about it all...the sheer, glorious freedom..the first time in my entire life i would live alone, and not take care of anybody but myself.
Not going to happen, yet. J decided to come to maryland, after all.He doesn't realize it yet, but, he has made a decision that will change his life in so many wonderful ways.. And so, the journey continues, and i stay mentor, on active Momma Battle Duty, for a while more...Later
I have spent the last three days in prayer. Not white-gloved, kneel in church prayer, just a running dialog with God. I have gone to the source with all my dreams and hopes and fears, asking for guidance and a miracle. What i was looking for was a financial miracle,because moving day is tomorrow, and there just isn't much money left. Don't let anyone tell you miracles don't exist...they do. Mine have come when i wrestle my ego to it's knees, and just let go...and, let God.
I still haven't seen that green miracle, but, my faith is strong. I guess He had a more important miracle to take care of first.
Last night, 12am, i tossed and turned, eyes wide open in the dark, thinking about J., and his decision...This is unusual for me, because i am one of those lucky people that fall asleep as soon as i hit the pillow. "Momma? are you asleep?" It was J. at my door. "Can we talk?"
Out we went to the front porch swing, to sit in the dark,with the moon gleaming through the tall maples, and a cup of tea. Maybe staying with his friend wasn't such a good idea, he began. How was he going to make it on his own, without a job, a car, an education? Maybe he wasn't ready. I let him talk, and didn't interrupt, all the while silently thanking God, for THIS was the miracle He had in store for me.
There is a selfish part of me that said "Oh No!", because once i got used to the fact that i was going to maryland alone, i started to fantasize about it all...the sheer, glorious freedom..the first time in my entire life i would live alone, and not take care of anybody but myself.
Not going to happen, yet. J decided to come to maryland, after all.He doesn't realize it yet, but, he has made a decision that will change his life in so many wonderful ways.. And so, the journey continues, and i stay mentor, on active Momma Battle Duty, for a while more...Later
Wednesday, September 01, 2004
Thursday Morning~ Zen of Moving..
When we die, we are supposedly given the video version of our life. We sit with God, hopefully on His lap, like a child, and watch our lives unfold. We get to see, unvarnished, each poignant deed of good and evil, eyes wide open, with the clarity of hindsight.
Moving is like that. It is not just throwing things in boxes, to accomplish the practical placement from here to there. It is a review of our life, for each bowl packed has a story of meals prepared..Stories of that halloween where they held candy for goblins, and you laughed and laughed as they summoned the courage to take it from the green-faced witch...
Photos, so many photos, that make you ache with love, and sorrow, and remembrance of the people who touch, and touched you..
Bills, paid and unpaid, that speak of hard times, and glorious times of abundance..
Old movie stubs, with a heart drawn around them, and concerts that speak of soft, gauzy skirts on a hill, watching the sunset while B.B. King played his final Detroit tour...
Blue Bunny, lovingly wrapped in tissue, minus one ear...And going thru a cookbook, and finding that ear with a scribbled note attached, "SEW BACK ON FOR TODD, today!"
(he is 22 now).
I see now where my riches lie. It is not in the things themself...things can be replaced..a pot is a pot is a pot.
The gold is the essence of lives touched, hearts given, in laughter, in tears, in friendship, in enimity. The gold is in the love of life, and to get there, just love.
Back to packing....later.
When we die, we are supposedly given the video version of our life. We sit with God, hopefully on His lap, like a child, and watch our lives unfold. We get to see, unvarnished, each poignant deed of good and evil, eyes wide open, with the clarity of hindsight.
Moving is like that. It is not just throwing things in boxes, to accomplish the practical placement from here to there. It is a review of our life, for each bowl packed has a story of meals prepared..Stories of that halloween where they held candy for goblins, and you laughed and laughed as they summoned the courage to take it from the green-faced witch...
Photos, so many photos, that make you ache with love, and sorrow, and remembrance of the people who touch, and touched you..
Bills, paid and unpaid, that speak of hard times, and glorious times of abundance..
Old movie stubs, with a heart drawn around them, and concerts that speak of soft, gauzy skirts on a hill, watching the sunset while B.B. King played his final Detroit tour...
Blue Bunny, lovingly wrapped in tissue, minus one ear...And going thru a cookbook, and finding that ear with a scribbled note attached, "SEW BACK ON FOR TODD, today!"
(he is 22 now).
I see now where my riches lie. It is not in the things themself...things can be replaced..a pot is a pot is a pot.
The gold is the essence of lives touched, hearts given, in laughter, in tears, in friendship, in enimity. The gold is in the love of life, and to get there, just love.
Back to packing....later.
Tuesday, August 31, 2004
Tuesday NIght~~ Last Supper...
I have wiggled back and forth on packing the kitchen..but, tonight was the last supper..and i am packing it up.
Chicken cutlets, like my mom made...boneless breasts of chicken, pounded thin with a mallet, then dipped in flour, egg/parmesan cheese/milk/garlic/pepper,then fine breadcrumbs with parsley...Fried quick, in olive oil, til both sides are crispy, golden, fragrant, melt on your tongue, tickle in your belly good. Side dish of fettachine alfredo..(secret recipe...lol) and a salad jeweled with fresh tomatos and basil from the garden.
The phone rang while i was cooking...Matt...honorary son #3...and he heard the tears in my voice...who could help it, cooking the last supper, listening to Andrea Bocceli singing Sogno? Ten minutes later he was over, with his big brother Daniel, honorary son #4...I love them both, and have watched them grow from wild wee things to the giant wild men they are today...Crazy, what i have seen temper them is the women they love...we tend to gentley guide our men., with our hands cupping...well, you get the picture.
To boot, cramps like an elephant on my belly, but, can't stop now....I WILL get it all done....
Found out today that the writing site i first was published on accepted another poem...YiPPIE!! Only problem is, i forgot what I wrote...but, the title is "Lick"
Scary, eh? It comes out in September, so, we shall see if i have to blush and hide, or if it is a more metaphoric "lick"...
God must get dizzy, as i sweep between the earthly and celestrial...or, at the very least, shake His head., at his child...
Back to work...later...
I have wiggled back and forth on packing the kitchen..but, tonight was the last supper..and i am packing it up.
Chicken cutlets, like my mom made...boneless breasts of chicken, pounded thin with a mallet, then dipped in flour, egg/parmesan cheese/milk/garlic/pepper,then fine breadcrumbs with parsley...Fried quick, in olive oil, til both sides are crispy, golden, fragrant, melt on your tongue, tickle in your belly good. Side dish of fettachine alfredo..(secret recipe...lol) and a salad jeweled with fresh tomatos and basil from the garden.
The phone rang while i was cooking...Matt...honorary son #3...and he heard the tears in my voice...who could help it, cooking the last supper, listening to Andrea Bocceli singing Sogno? Ten minutes later he was over, with his big brother Daniel, honorary son #4...I love them both, and have watched them grow from wild wee things to the giant wild men they are today...Crazy, what i have seen temper them is the women they love...we tend to gentley guide our men., with our hands cupping...well, you get the picture.
To boot, cramps like an elephant on my belly, but, can't stop now....I WILL get it all done....
Found out today that the writing site i first was published on accepted another poem...YiPPIE!! Only problem is, i forgot what I wrote...but, the title is "Lick"
Scary, eh? It comes out in September, so, we shall see if i have to blush and hide, or if it is a more metaphoric "lick"...
God must get dizzy, as i sweep between the earthly and celestrial...or, at the very least, shake His head., at his child...
Back to work...later...
Monday, August 30, 2004
Monday Night...And so.~~
J. has decided not to move with me to Maryland. He will come for the trip, to see me there..and then, go back, and live in the hovel he will call home, on his own. Now, that was unfair, and cruel. It isn't a hovel...it is...just not, ...a home that has his mother in it. It will be good for his selfish little heart, i hope. I pinned so much on this move to straighen him out, to school him, to give him a fresh start. And the little twirp goes and decides to strike out on his own, and pursue his dream.
Well, i for one know he is ill eqiupped for the journey. This is the kid that went camping two months ago without a toothbrush, or even a blanket. My God, how will he survive?
Survive he will, or, come home to me, with a greater appreciation of what is given to him, what needs to be earned, and what just is.
Let go, Lisa. You started this ball rolling...let it roll. T. just told me that until the divorce is absoleutely final for K., she can't move in. He has already got a new roommate to cover the costs...while the two of them wait it out.
Let it roll, Lisa, let it roll.
I still see the destiny here, the Grand Plan. I am just gritting my teeth, all the harder. Later.
J. has decided not to move with me to Maryland. He will come for the trip, to see me there..and then, go back, and live in the hovel he will call home, on his own. Now, that was unfair, and cruel. It isn't a hovel...it is...just not, ...a home that has his mother in it. It will be good for his selfish little heart, i hope. I pinned so much on this move to straighen him out, to school him, to give him a fresh start. And the little twirp goes and decides to strike out on his own, and pursue his dream.
Well, i for one know he is ill eqiupped for the journey. This is the kid that went camping two months ago without a toothbrush, or even a blanket. My God, how will he survive?
Survive he will, or, come home to me, with a greater appreciation of what is given to him, what needs to be earned, and what just is.
Let go, Lisa. You started this ball rolling...let it roll. T. just told me that until the divorce is absoleutely final for K., she can't move in. He has already got a new roommate to cover the costs...while the two of them wait it out.
Let it roll, Lisa, let it roll.
I still see the destiny here, the Grand Plan. I am just gritting my teeth, all the harder. Later.
Monday Night....Goodbye Eyes
I am home, and i see everything with Goodbye Eyes. Goodbye eyes...a sheen of tears, and a pull of heart...all is coloured with this peculiar tint...The giant Chicken, along highway 15, on my way home from Canada...advertising "farmfresh Eggs, Buy them Here!" The stretches of farmland, raped and spreadlegged, proclaiming possession with names like "DeerRun" and Countrywide Estates"...The fake storefronts, eluding to an earlier time, with porches, and odd shaped windows, to seduce us with trust, while their billion dollar owners live elsewhere, in luxury, laughing at us overeager, dim whitted, American comsumers...
And my goodbye eyes march forward...till i see my white picket fence, the grass a bit too long, and my boys walk out to meet me..
I almost didn't come home. I almost stayed in Canada, with Rikk"s mom and dad., and his son, and him. They are a family, and they love me. They saw me in the morning, fuzzy haired and naked faced, and loved me. Clue,here..that's all i ever wanted...a family, mom and dad, and kids, and cousins and brothers and sisters...In a terrible way, if it doesnt work out for Rikk and i , i will mourn them more.
I love his eyes, and the way he solidly is my friend and lover..and I am wishful, fearful, because i emote more then he does.....I am fearful because the core of me is used to being alone...and, as much as i love him, i will do fine without him...And, the dollop on that funeral cake is...He is so talented, so special, that, he can do without me. It is a cosmic crap shoot...what will be, will be.
All i know is my destiny is pulling me forward..and, as i faltered through the emotional pull to stay in canada, a redbird sang on the telephone wire, willing me to my path...and as i drove the lonely miles on the empty 402 West., another one dive bombed my car...swirling red telling me to keep on....and, so i will...Later.
s
I am home, and i see everything with Goodbye Eyes. Goodbye eyes...a sheen of tears, and a pull of heart...all is coloured with this peculiar tint...The giant Chicken, along highway 15, on my way home from Canada...advertising "farmfresh Eggs, Buy them Here!" The stretches of farmland, raped and spreadlegged, proclaiming possession with names like "DeerRun" and Countrywide Estates"...The fake storefronts, eluding to an earlier time, with porches, and odd shaped windows, to seduce us with trust, while their billion dollar owners live elsewhere, in luxury, laughing at us overeager, dim whitted, American comsumers...
And my goodbye eyes march forward...till i see my white picket fence, the grass a bit too long, and my boys walk out to meet me..
I almost didn't come home. I almost stayed in Canada, with Rikk"s mom and dad., and his son, and him. They are a family, and they love me. They saw me in the morning, fuzzy haired and naked faced, and loved me. Clue,here..that's all i ever wanted...a family, mom and dad, and kids, and cousins and brothers and sisters...In a terrible way, if it doesnt work out for Rikk and i , i will mourn them more.
I love his eyes, and the way he solidly is my friend and lover..and I am wishful, fearful, because i emote more then he does.....I am fearful because the core of me is used to being alone...and, as much as i love him, i will do fine without him...And, the dollop on that funeral cake is...He is so talented, so special, that, he can do without me. It is a cosmic crap shoot...what will be, will be.
All i know is my destiny is pulling me forward..and, as i faltered through the emotional pull to stay in canada, a redbird sang on the telephone wire, willing me to my path...and as i drove the lonely miles on the empty 402 West., another one dive bombed my car...swirling red telling me to keep on....and, so i will...Later.
s
Saturday, August 28, 2004
Thursday, August 26, 2004
Thursday night~~
When i die, i want them to dress me in black stockings and high heels. I love my legs, even though i had nothing to do with their shape, or length, or curvature. I love them most in a shimmer of black silk, with just a hint of pink skin, winking through. I look down at them, and i see taut muscles, and exploratory curves, ready to walk for miles, and grasp tightly at what is there.
When will i wear black stockings again? This was absoleutely, positively, my last day in sales. It's overalls and tshirts for me, from this day forward....
Hmmnnn...i don"t believe that, do you? wink, wink....
Back to packing....my new life awaits me....later.
When i die, i want them to dress me in black stockings and high heels. I love my legs, even though i had nothing to do with their shape, or length, or curvature. I love them most in a shimmer of black silk, with just a hint of pink skin, winking through. I look down at them, and i see taut muscles, and exploratory curves, ready to walk for miles, and grasp tightly at what is there.
When will i wear black stockings again? This was absoleutely, positively, my last day in sales. It's overalls and tshirts for me, from this day forward....
Hmmnnn...i don"t believe that, do you? wink, wink....
Back to packing....my new life awaits me....later.
Thurday Morning~~
Five hours sleep is just not enough anymore..Woken by J., fighting with his girlfriend sometime after 12AM..Everyone's emotions are running high right now, and i just want to muzzle the lot of them. I sat out in the dark on the front porch swing, listening to the crickets and cicadas, mourning the loss of harmony,AND the loss of sleep.
I am not going to dinner tonight with my old friend..He is my ex-husbands best friend, i don't like the feeling i get in my stomach about his motives. If it is purely to say goodbye, as he says, well, he can come over the house and say goodbye as i pack..i have no time now for superficiality or games. My ex? He has some terrible bridges to rebuild with his children..It took me years to stop taking care of him, stop protecting him, all the while being a "good little wife". If he wants to see them, he can damn well figure out how to do it himself. If they want to see Him, they can damn well figure how to see him, too. I am out of it.
J. told me in the middle of the night that he wants to stay here and pursue his music. He can live with one of the bandmember's and his mom. (This was the Plan 2 i secretly worked out in july with the mom)He says he will finish his education, get a job he can walk to, and save money for his own car. He says that his band is his dream, and he has to follow that dream. He is 18 now...i can't drag him by his hair to maryland. I am moving his furniture anyway. He asked for his bed, but I said no. He can have the old queen set in the garage, and i will get him a new mattress pad. He has to make his own bed, now.
Things change from day to day anyway. He wants to make the trip to maryland, stay a month, and then return to michigan. Perhaps he will fall in love with the beach, and Ocean City, mecca for young people and music.
If i have learned anything, i have finally learned that now matter how you much you love, protect, and sacrifice, you can't make those you love follow any path but their own. Sigh. Later.
Five hours sleep is just not enough anymore..Woken by J., fighting with his girlfriend sometime after 12AM..Everyone's emotions are running high right now, and i just want to muzzle the lot of them. I sat out in the dark on the front porch swing, listening to the crickets and cicadas, mourning the loss of harmony,AND the loss of sleep.
I am not going to dinner tonight with my old friend..He is my ex-husbands best friend, i don't like the feeling i get in my stomach about his motives. If it is purely to say goodbye, as he says, well, he can come over the house and say goodbye as i pack..i have no time now for superficiality or games. My ex? He has some terrible bridges to rebuild with his children..It took me years to stop taking care of him, stop protecting him, all the while being a "good little wife". If he wants to see them, he can damn well figure out how to do it himself. If they want to see Him, they can damn well figure how to see him, too. I am out of it.
J. told me in the middle of the night that he wants to stay here and pursue his music. He can live with one of the bandmember's and his mom. (This was the Plan 2 i secretly worked out in july with the mom)He says he will finish his education, get a job he can walk to, and save money for his own car. He says that his band is his dream, and he has to follow that dream. He is 18 now...i can't drag him by his hair to maryland. I am moving his furniture anyway. He asked for his bed, but I said no. He can have the old queen set in the garage, and i will get him a new mattress pad. He has to make his own bed, now.
Things change from day to day anyway. He wants to make the trip to maryland, stay a month, and then return to michigan. Perhaps he will fall in love with the beach, and Ocean City, mecca for young people and music.
If i have learned anything, i have finally learned that now matter how you much you love, protect, and sacrifice, you can't make those you love follow any path but their own. Sigh. Later.
Wednesday, August 25, 2004
Wednesday, 11pm~~
What a full and glorious day!! This mermaid can hardly keep her head about the waves right now, though. Could it be possible that in 8 days i will be loading the truck, and on my way???
I am NOT ready, nope, not ready at all. I have decided to go from organized, master list and lettered boxes to full fledged panic mode....everything that can go in a box is GOING in...full speed ahead, just get it done......
Why oh why did i say i would work tomorrow? It's going to be a looong day, and i have been invited to dinner by an old friend after work..
I am getting tired just thinking about it all....Ah tomorrow, tomorrow...Thank God for another day....Later..
What a full and glorious day!! This mermaid can hardly keep her head about the waves right now, though. Could it be possible that in 8 days i will be loading the truck, and on my way???
I am NOT ready, nope, not ready at all. I have decided to go from organized, master list and lettered boxes to full fledged panic mode....everything that can go in a box is GOING in...full speed ahead, just get it done......
Why oh why did i say i would work tomorrow? It's going to be a looong day, and i have been invited to dinner by an old friend after work..
I am getting tired just thinking about it all....Ah tomorrow, tomorrow...Thank God for another day....Later..
Tuesday, August 24, 2004
Tuesday Morning~~
Ok, the procastination stops today. I am finally going to have the damn garage sale. Where did i GET all this stuff? I know i am going to be a pushover, too. Fifty cents? IT'S YOURS!!!
Lots of laundry to do, too, and banking...Got up in the attic last night, and was startled by the 6 Foot Glow in the Dark Skeleton, that one of my sweet boys hung in the rafters...got lost in the box of their first teddybears and toys.I like attics..somehow, they seem much more benevolent, kinder, then basements.
I am glad i didn't get all dramatic leaving work...My ex-boss called yesterday, sweet as sugur, and asked if I would fill on on thursday...ARRRRGHHHH!!!And i thought it was all over..Oh, well ..it will be gas money for the trip to maryland.
I am boring myself this morning, and that's not a good sign, half my mind on writing, half in how-am-i-gonna-do-it-all mode...So, adios for now, time to tackle those chores...
Ok, the procastination stops today. I am finally going to have the damn garage sale. Where did i GET all this stuff? I know i am going to be a pushover, too. Fifty cents? IT'S YOURS!!!
Lots of laundry to do, too, and banking...Got up in the attic last night, and was startled by the 6 Foot Glow in the Dark Skeleton, that one of my sweet boys hung in the rafters...got lost in the box of their first teddybears and toys.I like attics..somehow, they seem much more benevolent, kinder, then basements.
I am glad i didn't get all dramatic leaving work...My ex-boss called yesterday, sweet as sugur, and asked if I would fill on on thursday...ARRRRGHHHH!!!And i thought it was all over..Oh, well ..it will be gas money for the trip to maryland.
I am boring myself this morning, and that's not a good sign, half my mind on writing, half in how-am-i-gonna-do-it-all mode...So, adios for now, time to tackle those chores...
Monday, August 23, 2004
Monday~~
I have to blog in parts today, because so much is happening....J. got a phone call, a record producer wants to meet with his band. He says he doesn't want to move, he needs to be with them, because this could be IT. I say, SCREW the record producer, because he is probably a pediophile(is that the right spelling?)I think it is his last ditch effort to stay in michigan, with all that's familiar...
It's okay, though, because i have become quite adept at surfing the J. waves, and, if it is with my last breath, i WILL direct him to the right path. After i have exhausted all my ingenuity, my strength, my force, THEN i will let him go. Sounds horrible, eh? Like an overprotective, blinkered eyed momma.....Guess i am, but, who is to say how many foolish children have been saved by their momma's devotion?
Later...
I have to blog in parts today, because so much is happening....J. got a phone call, a record producer wants to meet with his band. He says he doesn't want to move, he needs to be with them, because this could be IT. I say, SCREW the record producer, because he is probably a pediophile(is that the right spelling?)I think it is his last ditch effort to stay in michigan, with all that's familiar...
It's okay, though, because i have become quite adept at surfing the J. waves, and, if it is with my last breath, i WILL direct him to the right path. After i have exhausted all my ingenuity, my strength, my force, THEN i will let him go. Sounds horrible, eh? Like an overprotective, blinkered eyed momma.....Guess i am, but, who is to say how many foolish children have been saved by their momma's devotion?
Later...
Monday~
It is 6:30 pm, and i have been up since five am. As i started to write, a redbird trilled,"pretty, pretty, pretty"...and i looked out the window, thankful he was there...I ran outside, to see his face, to connect with Mom, because the redbird is her sign to me, that she is there. No redbird to be seen, not even the song....and i took it as a sign that i am on the right path, but, not to expect my hand to be held.
I couldn't even find a bobby pin, and braided my hair, tucked it, and wrapped it in a red bandanna. Into the garage, spider heaven, ....I am so scared of spiders.
K. helped me, and today, i know what it is like to have a daughter. I am blessed., because i always wanted one, badly, yet, instead, i got rough and tumble, testosterone filled, wildly glorious boys. They are good for so much, but, they are not the ones that will stop, when you come across Blue Bunny, T.'s first toy,and weep. They are not the ones to shoulder the white enanamel headboard, with the little flowers, and wait, while you stroke it...remembering a love that died. They are not the ones to help, when you look around helplessly, and finally say" I don't know what to do next". K., please God, will be in my life forever, because i know she loves my son. If that love changes, i will always hold her in special esteem, because she is a special lady unto herself.
The basement is now mostly packed, and the garage, too. The house is beyond tornado now, it is a Class Five Hurricane. But, Each box is numbered, and i have a master list of each. Not bad for a weepy mermaid, who would rather swim. later.
It is 6:30 pm, and i have been up since five am. As i started to write, a redbird trilled,"pretty, pretty, pretty"...and i looked out the window, thankful he was there...I ran outside, to see his face, to connect with Mom, because the redbird is her sign to me, that she is there. No redbird to be seen, not even the song....and i took it as a sign that i am on the right path, but, not to expect my hand to be held.
I couldn't even find a bobby pin, and braided my hair, tucked it, and wrapped it in a red bandanna. Into the garage, spider heaven, ....I am so scared of spiders.
K. helped me, and today, i know what it is like to have a daughter. I am blessed., because i always wanted one, badly, yet, instead, i got rough and tumble, testosterone filled, wildly glorious boys. They are good for so much, but, they are not the ones that will stop, when you come across Blue Bunny, T.'s first toy,and weep. They are not the ones to shoulder the white enanamel headboard, with the little flowers, and wait, while you stroke it...remembering a love that died. They are not the ones to help, when you look around helplessly, and finally say" I don't know what to do next". K., please God, will be in my life forever, because i know she loves my son. If that love changes, i will always hold her in special esteem, because she is a special lady unto herself.
The basement is now mostly packed, and the garage, too. The house is beyond tornado now, it is a Class Five Hurricane. But, Each box is numbered, and i have a master list of each. Not bad for a weepy mermaid, who would rather swim. later.
Sunday, August 22, 2004
Sunday Night~~
It is over. I no longer work for M***and M***. No more dealing with a jaundiced public, waiting to be burned. No more "public face" at least, for a month or so, till i am forced back into the working world.
My hair is so heavy, so hot against my neck. I have the urge to grab a scissor, and cut...Cut it all, satisfiying snip by snip, until i am left with shitsu like tufts..flying around my ears, startling my vision., but, i am too smart to do that.
Last time i did it, i was mad at my ex husband....he loved my hair, and used to glory in it. When he left, i stood in front of the mirror, and, in a self castigating moment, when my success as a wife had been proven barren, i took the scissors, and cut. Cut it all., over a foot of heavy female glory, gone, each snip, a F*U*. The next morning, i felt lighter, brighter, like a new person...but, i secretly mourning my hair. Cutting it was more then cutting HIM out, it was a signal to all that approached....STAY AWAY! I am not interested, I have cut away that female mating signal i used to hold so dear...
Superficial? You might say that...especially if you didn't hold long hair in special regard, like i do. To me, my hair says" I am yielding, i am soft, i am sensual, no matter how tough i seem".
The urge to cut now....it is about letting go, about fear,about changing the external to prove the internal. I am not buying it, this time. I will braid it, bind it, get it off my neck, for this critical cutting time tonight.
Tomorrow, in the shower, i will revel in it's length, in its happy exuberance, and kiss the steamy mirror, ready for another day.
Medicine cabinet done, my closet too, and all my shoes in a tidy little shoe bag.
More done every day, even though it seems endless....
If i could find a pool, i would jump in. I need the water..i need it's cool weightlessness, it's soothing enveloping. I need to exercise my arms, my legs, and float, looking at the stars. One more bath, with honey cream, will have to do..Later.
It is over. I no longer work for M***and M***. No more dealing with a jaundiced public, waiting to be burned. No more "public face" at least, for a month or so, till i am forced back into the working world.
My hair is so heavy, so hot against my neck. I have the urge to grab a scissor, and cut...Cut it all, satisfiying snip by snip, until i am left with shitsu like tufts..flying around my ears, startling my vision., but, i am too smart to do that.
Last time i did it, i was mad at my ex husband....he loved my hair, and used to glory in it. When he left, i stood in front of the mirror, and, in a self castigating moment, when my success as a wife had been proven barren, i took the scissors, and cut. Cut it all., over a foot of heavy female glory, gone, each snip, a F*U*. The next morning, i felt lighter, brighter, like a new person...but, i secretly mourning my hair. Cutting it was more then cutting HIM out, it was a signal to all that approached....STAY AWAY! I am not interested, I have cut away that female mating signal i used to hold so dear...
Superficial? You might say that...especially if you didn't hold long hair in special regard, like i do. To me, my hair says" I am yielding, i am soft, i am sensual, no matter how tough i seem".
The urge to cut now....it is about letting go, about fear,about changing the external to prove the internal. I am not buying it, this time. I will braid it, bind it, get it off my neck, for this critical cutting time tonight.
Tomorrow, in the shower, i will revel in it's length, in its happy exuberance, and kiss the steamy mirror, ready for another day.
Medicine cabinet done, my closet too, and all my shoes in a tidy little shoe bag.
More done every day, even though it seems endless....
If i could find a pool, i would jump in. I need the water..i need it's cool weightlessness, it's soothing enveloping. I need to exercise my arms, my legs, and float, looking at the stars. One more bath, with honey cream, will have to do..Later.
Saturday, August 21, 2004
Saturday Night~~
This is so odd. I am alone. Really, really alone. There is no J, beating his wings against my heart. There is no T.,solid, loving, in my presence. No Rikk, in his overalls, watching tv, with a faraway look in his eye, creating...And no me, overseeing them all, punting and posturing and nurturing..
I am alone. How odd. My whole life has been filled with people. I like it,this freedom..and yet, i keep touching myself, looking for bullet holes, because, i am sure i have been shot thru the heart, and i just don't know it.
I packed up the rest of Rikk's clothes...i don't even think he remembers them. I will bring them to Canada for my last trip to see him, along with his camping gear and his sound system, and tools i have found, as i packed.He called last night, just to connect the tenuous dots to our heart.
The house is a whirlwind, and though i keep working, it doesn't look any better...
Am i doing the right thing? What balls did i grow, to move to a new state, new life, with no job, no money, just a dream?
Faith. Plain old ordinary, run of the mill, i won't get hit when i cross the road, faith. Scared doesn't count. Lonely doesn't count. I am just going to keep on looking toward the future, staring the "aloneness" in the eye...and go for it.I am crying, and so be it.I can crawl into my bed, and tuck myself in, and still, go for it.
Later.
This is so odd. I am alone. Really, really alone. There is no J, beating his wings against my heart. There is no T.,solid, loving, in my presence. No Rikk, in his overalls, watching tv, with a faraway look in his eye, creating...And no me, overseeing them all, punting and posturing and nurturing..
I am alone. How odd. My whole life has been filled with people. I like it,this freedom..and yet, i keep touching myself, looking for bullet holes, because, i am sure i have been shot thru the heart, and i just don't know it.
I packed up the rest of Rikk's clothes...i don't even think he remembers them. I will bring them to Canada for my last trip to see him, along with his camping gear and his sound system, and tools i have found, as i packed.He called last night, just to connect the tenuous dots to our heart.
The house is a whirlwind, and though i keep working, it doesn't look any better...
Am i doing the right thing? What balls did i grow, to move to a new state, new life, with no job, no money, just a dream?
Faith. Plain old ordinary, run of the mill, i won't get hit when i cross the road, faith. Scared doesn't count. Lonely doesn't count. I am just going to keep on looking toward the future, staring the "aloneness" in the eye...and go for it.I am crying, and so be it.I can crawl into my bed, and tuck myself in, and still, go for it.
Later.
Saturday Morning~~
Writing fast, disaster strikes!! I burnt the potroast last night,so involved with Sammmy, and her mom, (yes, i burnt dinner for the owner of the gourmet restaurant,sigh)that i totally forgot about it, and it was spectacularly charred and dry. I even tried to bring it back with a little apple juice, but, nothing could fix it. We laughed, cut away the burnt parts, and ate it anyway. At least the mashed potatoes, green beans from the garden, and fried green tomatoes were good.
Then just a bit ago, all ready to go but for my black skirt, THE IRON DIED. So many things have broken here in the last month, i just can't understand it. Nothing else to wear, and i had to wear stockings with garters because i ran my last pair of pantyhose. sigh. So, i am wearing an indian skirt, MADE to look crinkled, and off i go til later......What a day!
Writing fast, disaster strikes!! I burnt the potroast last night,so involved with Sammmy, and her mom, (yes, i burnt dinner for the owner of the gourmet restaurant,sigh)that i totally forgot about it, and it was spectacularly charred and dry. I even tried to bring it back with a little apple juice, but, nothing could fix it. We laughed, cut away the burnt parts, and ate it anyway. At least the mashed potatoes, green beans from the garden, and fried green tomatoes were good.
Then just a bit ago, all ready to go but for my black skirt, THE IRON DIED. So many things have broken here in the last month, i just can't understand it. Nothing else to wear, and i had to wear stockings with garters because i ran my last pair of pantyhose. sigh. So, i am wearing an indian skirt, MADE to look crinkled, and off i go til later......What a day!
Friday, August 20, 2004
Friday Morning~~
I woke at 5am, with J. shaking my shoulder. Something in his eye, and he had tried unsuccessfully to get it out. Coconut hair? (coconut has fine, long, white fur). I don't wake up well..i need an hour of aloneness and coffee to be human. But, up i got, and filled my little squeese bottle for decorating chocolates with warm water, and flushed and flushed his reddened eye. Still hurt...so, i did a healing for him.
This healing ability is a God gift, i think. I breathe deep, go far inside, and ask to be a conduit for healing. I don't do it often, i don't tell many people about it. I don't know if i really heal, but i know i have taken pain away from those that i love. Occasionally i am brought to a stranger that needs help,and i always give it, though i wrestle with my fear of looking foolish, or like a new age goofball.
It is something that i want to develop more when i get to maryland; i know my walks alone on the beach will be a joyful communion time with God.
In just a few minutes, i am going to pick up little Sammy. She is the 11 year old daughter of the owners of the gourmet restaurant that i worked at, in my brief breakaway from the mattress store. She is berefit that i am leaving, and her mother is worried about her. We have had a special bond for two years now..she is a brilliant, sensitive little girl, a true destiny child. We became friends when she had to give up her little black kitten, (link kitty). I took him in, and when i went to pick him up, i brought her a little journal so that we could be co-mothers of Link, and write back and forth about him. She is begging for Link back now...but, i can't do that to the boys, they are bonded. Coconut is my baby, so loving and placid and gentle, unlike the fierce Link. I am thinking of giving him to Sammy, so she has a special friend here in michigan..coconut would keep a concrete connection for her...but, can i let him go? I will know the right thing to do, when the moment comes...
Once again, the garage sale is postponed...I would rather be with Sammy, and make her favorite Cranberry Potroast, and the hell with the garage sale today....Later.
I woke at 5am, with J. shaking my shoulder. Something in his eye, and he had tried unsuccessfully to get it out. Coconut hair? (coconut has fine, long, white fur). I don't wake up well..i need an hour of aloneness and coffee to be human. But, up i got, and filled my little squeese bottle for decorating chocolates with warm water, and flushed and flushed his reddened eye. Still hurt...so, i did a healing for him.
This healing ability is a God gift, i think. I breathe deep, go far inside, and ask to be a conduit for healing. I don't do it often, i don't tell many people about it. I don't know if i really heal, but i know i have taken pain away from those that i love. Occasionally i am brought to a stranger that needs help,and i always give it, though i wrestle with my fear of looking foolish, or like a new age goofball.
It is something that i want to develop more when i get to maryland; i know my walks alone on the beach will be a joyful communion time with God.
In just a few minutes, i am going to pick up little Sammy. She is the 11 year old daughter of the owners of the gourmet restaurant that i worked at, in my brief breakaway from the mattress store. She is berefit that i am leaving, and her mother is worried about her. We have had a special bond for two years now..she is a brilliant, sensitive little girl, a true destiny child. We became friends when she had to give up her little black kitten, (link kitty). I took him in, and when i went to pick him up, i brought her a little journal so that we could be co-mothers of Link, and write back and forth about him. She is begging for Link back now...but, i can't do that to the boys, they are bonded. Coconut is my baby, so loving and placid and gentle, unlike the fierce Link. I am thinking of giving him to Sammy, so she has a special friend here in michigan..coconut would keep a concrete connection for her...but, can i let him go? I will know the right thing to do, when the moment comes...
Once again, the garage sale is postponed...I would rather be with Sammy, and make her favorite Cranberry Potroast, and the hell with the garage sale today....Later.
Thursday, August 19, 2004
Thursday afternoon~~
I hate moving. It's a horrible process. I am sure "Bad Mother's "entrance to Hell looks like a teenage son's room. I have found spiders, dust, dirt, and i must be a REALLY bad housekeeper, to sneeze and sneeze the way i am.
Now my references to the house looking like a tornado are just a joke; I am grimly piling boxes in the dining room, and i feel claustrophobic and jittery.
I don't want to do the garage sale, either....but, it will be gas money on the way down.
J.s room is done.....i cornered him like a rat, and made him choose what to take and what to donate and what to trash. In the midst of that, T. is going on the annual canoe/camping trip up north...and for the first time, didn't want Mom's help. He scowled and snorted and managed to get himself together, then apologised for his surly behavior, and off he went.
Me, kneedeep in Bad Mother's hell, got a phone call....The gastank on his Jimmy was leaking....We rescued him, transferred his stuff to his buddy's car, and back to packing i went.
Tomorrow afternoon, J and T.'s girlfriend will go up to the campsite...and i will be BLISSFULLY alone....I don't know if i can stand it.!!!! There will definately be some naked dancing to Barry White, or, at the very least, more boxes packed in peace, and a pizza. Later.
t
I hate moving. It's a horrible process. I am sure "Bad Mother's "entrance to Hell looks like a teenage son's room. I have found spiders, dust, dirt, and i must be a REALLY bad housekeeper, to sneeze and sneeze the way i am.
Now my references to the house looking like a tornado are just a joke; I am grimly piling boxes in the dining room, and i feel claustrophobic and jittery.
I don't want to do the garage sale, either....but, it will be gas money on the way down.
J.s room is done.....i cornered him like a rat, and made him choose what to take and what to donate and what to trash. In the midst of that, T. is going on the annual canoe/camping trip up north...and for the first time, didn't want Mom's help. He scowled and snorted and managed to get himself together, then apologised for his surly behavior, and off he went.
Me, kneedeep in Bad Mother's hell, got a phone call....The gastank on his Jimmy was leaking....We rescued him, transferred his stuff to his buddy's car, and back to packing i went.
Tomorrow afternoon, J and T.'s girlfriend will go up to the campsite...and i will be BLISSFULLY alone....I don't know if i can stand it.!!!! There will definately be some naked dancing to Barry White, or, at the very least, more boxes packed in peace, and a pizza. Later.
t
Thursday Morning~~
The darkness has slipped away, once more. I have packed so much to do into this one day that i am astounded, even with my customary wild optimism. Woke up wide eyed, ready to leap out of bed...made the coffee so fast that somehow the grinds are mixed in, and i am drinking it anyway.
Today is the day Daddy died..He will always be "daddy", not father, not pop, not dad. I remember the moment i found out so clearly, so acutely, that it is forever captured under glass, almost 40 years later. As i type this, i stop, and rock back and forth, holding myself. Love never dies, though people do. I still feel your scratchy cheek against my babysmooth one, daddy. I hear your laugh, and snuggle up in your arms as you read your paper. Your love for me has been a saving grace, the beacon, the benchmark, that i have measured men against.You wept the last time i saw you, so weak and drawn in the hospital."who will take care of my little girl? you are the one i worry about..who will protect you?".
It all happens for a reason, daddy, so stop worrying. I walk with my angels, and have learned how to protect myself...these long years...without you...Later.
The darkness has slipped away, once more. I have packed so much to do into this one day that i am astounded, even with my customary wild optimism. Woke up wide eyed, ready to leap out of bed...made the coffee so fast that somehow the grinds are mixed in, and i am drinking it anyway.
Today is the day Daddy died..He will always be "daddy", not father, not pop, not dad. I remember the moment i found out so clearly, so acutely, that it is forever captured under glass, almost 40 years later. As i type this, i stop, and rock back and forth, holding myself. Love never dies, though people do. I still feel your scratchy cheek against my babysmooth one, daddy. I hear your laugh, and snuggle up in your arms as you read your paper. Your love for me has been a saving grace, the beacon, the benchmark, that i have measured men against.You wept the last time i saw you, so weak and drawn in the hospital."who will take care of my little girl? you are the one i worry about..who will protect you?".
It all happens for a reason, daddy, so stop worrying. I walk with my angels, and have learned how to protect myself...these long years...without you...Later.
Wednesday, August 18, 2004
Wednesday Morning~~
I woke this morning pregnant with dreams, yet they slipped away like cottoncandy on the tongue, when i tried to remember them.
I am feeling as heavy and slow as the sky outside, a disagreeable gray, sullen and lifeless. Can't have that! I countered it by wearing fushchia silk, and a long scarf of every color of the rainbow, and gypsy earrings in ruby and brass.
My last LOOONGGG day at work, the last of the 11 hour shifts. After that, i am laughing, two days off, then just the weekend of work to go!!
I'll make it go by fast, i am moving from work, afterall, and i want all my work tidy and completed. I am glad i gave 2 weeks notice instead of just saying "screw you". I don't like confrontations at all, and, two wrongs don't make a right, as my mother used to say.
Skunk in the backyard, in all his oderous glory! It isn't mingling well with my coffee or opium perfume....Just hope it wasn't one of my kitty's he tangled with....
Off to work i go!! Later...
I woke this morning pregnant with dreams, yet they slipped away like cottoncandy on the tongue, when i tried to remember them.
I am feeling as heavy and slow as the sky outside, a disagreeable gray, sullen and lifeless. Can't have that! I countered it by wearing fushchia silk, and a long scarf of every color of the rainbow, and gypsy earrings in ruby and brass.
My last LOOONGGG day at work, the last of the 11 hour shifts. After that, i am laughing, two days off, then just the weekend of work to go!!
I'll make it go by fast, i am moving from work, afterall, and i want all my work tidy and completed. I am glad i gave 2 weeks notice instead of just saying "screw you". I don't like confrontations at all, and, two wrongs don't make a right, as my mother used to say.
Skunk in the backyard, in all his oderous glory! It isn't mingling well with my coffee or opium perfume....Just hope it wasn't one of my kitty's he tangled with....
Off to work i go!! Later...
Tuesday, August 17, 2004
Tuesday Night~~
My hair...how can someone be sensually intuned to part of themself? The rain pattered against the window, as i sat at my computer...Still in my blazer, hair twisted up with a clip, pen still stabbed haphazardly in it's depth, a chopstick frozen in mid-spear.I ran outside, to close the window...and the rain kissed me...ran down my cheeks, bounced against my skin...
It made me stop, in my whirling dervish, stop..in my concrete driveway, my dancing thoughts...I took out the pen, held it in my teeth, while i loosed the clip...my hair fell, waves upon waves, and the scent of this mornings shower, rose in my nose, centered in my belly..and i stood there, rooted in the earthly delight of scent, tactile expression, and touch.
The pen, even, excited me...cool against my tongue, hard against my teeth...and i felt a low growl build in my belly....
Nowhere to put it, but, here, my blog, my box of me, this second, this minute, this hour, this week...this life. (well, we get the picture, lol)
As i type, my hair still teases me., curling against my shoulder, flirting with my back...
Nothing for a mermaid to do, but SWIM, long, hard strokes, skimming thru the sea, till she can sleep....later.
My hair...how can someone be sensually intuned to part of themself? The rain pattered against the window, as i sat at my computer...Still in my blazer, hair twisted up with a clip, pen still stabbed haphazardly in it's depth, a chopstick frozen in mid-spear.I ran outside, to close the window...and the rain kissed me...ran down my cheeks, bounced against my skin...
It made me stop, in my whirling dervish, stop..in my concrete driveway, my dancing thoughts...I took out the pen, held it in my teeth, while i loosed the clip...my hair fell, waves upon waves, and the scent of this mornings shower, rose in my nose, centered in my belly..and i stood there, rooted in the earthly delight of scent, tactile expression, and touch.
The pen, even, excited me...cool against my tongue, hard against my teeth...and i felt a low growl build in my belly....
Nowhere to put it, but, here, my blog, my box of me, this second, this minute, this hour, this week...this life. (well, we get the picture, lol)
As i type, my hair still teases me., curling against my shoulder, flirting with my back...
Nothing for a mermaid to do, but SWIM, long, hard strokes, skimming thru the sea, till she can sleep....later.
Monday, August 16, 2004
Monday Night~~
Beauty? was does it mean?
I am one of those women that can make someone catch their breath, or yawn. Beautiful? Yes, i am, i guess, if u love me...because you only see my eyes. You only feel my skin, you only breathe my passion, my laughter, my naughty chase-me thru-the woods- persona.
And, so, what is beauty, universally defined? I think it is physical beauty, first.Then it is the fire, the light, in the eyes. Those that have both...ah, they are the ones the sonnets are written about. And yet, how fleeting a song?
Where are the songs of the mothers, the scientists, the spiritual gurus, the females of substance, that enrich humankind? Are their skins not soft enough???Are their lips not as full? Or do the men, and in some instances, the women, who love them, not seeing with the superficial eyes of media, and peer pressure, resisting what SHOULD be
I say..you are beautiful...if you love. i say..you are beautiful, beyond compare, if you love, and your essence shines out, daring your loved ones to see beyond what is shown them, to their own essence, their keystone, of glorious acceptance.
Beauty? was does it mean?
I am one of those women that can make someone catch their breath, or yawn. Beautiful? Yes, i am, i guess, if u love me...because you only see my eyes. You only feel my skin, you only breathe my passion, my laughter, my naughty chase-me thru-the woods- persona.
And, so, what is beauty, universally defined? I think it is physical beauty, first.Then it is the fire, the light, in the eyes. Those that have both...ah, they are the ones the sonnets are written about. And yet, how fleeting a song?
Where are the songs of the mothers, the scientists, the spiritual gurus, the females of substance, that enrich humankind? Are their skins not soft enough???Are their lips not as full? Or do the men, and in some instances, the women, who love them, not seeing with the superficial eyes of media, and peer pressure, resisting what SHOULD be
I say..you are beautiful...if you love. i say..you are beautiful, beyond compare, if you love, and your essence shines out, daring your loved ones to see beyond what is shown them, to their own essence, their keystone, of glorious acceptance.
Sunday, August 15, 2004
Sunday, last post for the night~~
Ok. I went to the movie. Just like i like it, in my seat as the first scene unfolds. HUGE popcorn, extra butter, with a coke, comfortably ensconsed on my lap.
Didn't take long to figure out the plot, or my snickers at the hero..in this case, a young, black female., leading a bunch of men. Give me a break, someone, please. What was it, some regulation for equality in heros, so they decided to do it all in one fell swoop? Young, (yup, no age discrimination) black(we would NEVER discriminate based on race) and, for good measure, let's make her FEMALE.
Not that i think a woman couldn't do it. Not that i think a BLACK woman couldn't do it. Not that i think a YOUNG person, who happens to be black and young couldn't do it. I guess what i resent is that it's being shoved down our throat by a bunch of people in a boardroom, trying to be politically correct, and while they cover THAT angle, the movie itself is about as clever a plot as a clod of dirt. (though the graphics weren't bad.)
So, i had the plot and ending in about 5 minutes, but, the popcorn was good, and the company wasn't bad, either. I kept saying to myself" you go girl! look at you! you don't need a guy to go to a movie!"
My assertive high was quickly snuffed out when the movie was over, and the lights went up. OH MY GOD!
As the theater cleared, i realized there was no one in the theater over, at the most, 16. No one in the theater alone, either. No one in the theater that was Old, Female, or ALONE. My euphoria faded quickly, and i lost all courage.
I did a slouching duck walk, trying not to tower above them. I blended myself admirably into one tribe of kids, with stuck up hair, lots of piercings, and way too much flesh for a mom to condone in a cold movie theater.
I made it almost to the outside door, and caught curious stares from my "tribe"and a few mumbled"is that YOUR mom?"...I hit the door running, and beat it out the parking lot before ANY of them.
Experience counts for something, i guess. I can beat a quicker retreat then the best among them..
Next movie alone, will be something more sedate. later.
Ok. I went to the movie. Just like i like it, in my seat as the first scene unfolds. HUGE popcorn, extra butter, with a coke, comfortably ensconsed on my lap.
Didn't take long to figure out the plot, or my snickers at the hero..in this case, a young, black female., leading a bunch of men. Give me a break, someone, please. What was it, some regulation for equality in heros, so they decided to do it all in one fell swoop? Young, (yup, no age discrimination) black(we would NEVER discriminate based on race) and, for good measure, let's make her FEMALE.
Not that i think a woman couldn't do it. Not that i think a BLACK woman couldn't do it. Not that i think a YOUNG person, who happens to be black and young couldn't do it. I guess what i resent is that it's being shoved down our throat by a bunch of people in a boardroom, trying to be politically correct, and while they cover THAT angle, the movie itself is about as clever a plot as a clod of dirt. (though the graphics weren't bad.)
So, i had the plot and ending in about 5 minutes, but, the popcorn was good, and the company wasn't bad, either. I kept saying to myself" you go girl! look at you! you don't need a guy to go to a movie!"
My assertive high was quickly snuffed out when the movie was over, and the lights went up. OH MY GOD!
As the theater cleared, i realized there was no one in the theater over, at the most, 16. No one in the theater alone, either. No one in the theater that was Old, Female, or ALONE. My euphoria faded quickly, and i lost all courage.
I did a slouching duck walk, trying not to tower above them. I blended myself admirably into one tribe of kids, with stuck up hair, lots of piercings, and way too much flesh for a mom to condone in a cold movie theater.
I made it almost to the outside door, and caught curious stares from my "tribe"and a few mumbled"is that YOUR mom?"...I hit the door running, and beat it out the parking lot before ANY of them.
Experience counts for something, i guess. I can beat a quicker retreat then the best among them..
Next movie alone, will be something more sedate. later.
Sunday, after work~~
I know i make my brother uncomfortable with some of my posts..and, Rikk, too. Sorry guys. This blog is MINE. I am who i am, and, as i weeded through my pictures this morning before work, i kept coming across little poems i wrote, letters that have been written to me...butterflies in the heart of my life. As i looked at them, i realized that desire, commitment, connection, have been cornerstones in my life. Security, that elusive goal, has many times been thrown over my shoulder, as i embraced change, and adventure, and the core belief that there is a better ending to the story of my life.
I have had many teachers, and, i have taught. I will not allow myself to subjugate myself. I am who i am...not who my father, my mother, my lover, my brother, my sisters, my friends, want me to be.
Finally, i am getting comfortable, in a place that i designed. In my own skin.
Cooking dinner now. Then, i think my first movie, ALONE. (Aliens vrs. Predator) Later.
I know i make my brother uncomfortable with some of my posts..and, Rikk, too. Sorry guys. This blog is MINE. I am who i am, and, as i weeded through my pictures this morning before work, i kept coming across little poems i wrote, letters that have been written to me...butterflies in the heart of my life. As i looked at them, i realized that desire, commitment, connection, have been cornerstones in my life. Security, that elusive goal, has many times been thrown over my shoulder, as i embraced change, and adventure, and the core belief that there is a better ending to the story of my life.
I have had many teachers, and, i have taught. I will not allow myself to subjugate myself. I am who i am...not who my father, my mother, my lover, my brother, my sisters, my friends, want me to be.
Finally, i am getting comfortable, in a place that i designed. In my own skin.
Cooking dinner now. Then, i think my first movie, ALONE. (Aliens vrs. Predator) Later.
Saturday, August 14, 2004
Saturday Night~~
Tonight, i can't help thinking about..BREASTS...I wore a sunshine yellow sleeveless turtleneck today...And my breasts were so...THERE...Each time i glimped myself in a mirror at work, they were the first thing i saw...I kept pulling my jacket over them, but they were so insistant.."I am ROUND, i am RIPE, I beg to be fondled."
It made me crazy. Aren't i too old for this? I guess not.
We women have no control over the shape, the size of our breasts. We cannot have designer nippples, either, unless we pay a whopping price for them, along with the size.
I have the Fox girl figure..long, slender legs, big bust.I struggle constantly with becoming a dumpling, my belly swells, my hips broaden.Yet, i am ALWAYS me, hips or no..Why do people obsess so much about their shape? We all look good in the dark, with a loving partner. It is such a crock, to be obsessed with it. If you are a man, do you love your woman any less because her breasts are small? I think not. You might dream of large, silky breasts in your hands or mouth, but, truly, does it matter when it comes down to it?
Isn't it more important to love her warmth next to you, in the middle of the night? The way she makes your doctors appointments, and raising an eyebrow at your diet? The walks, after dinner, talking about kids or work or whatever it is that is on your mind? The bills, the dreams, the garden next year?
Back to breasts....They are so wonderful, i know. A place so primordal, so tasty, they write poems and songs and fight wars about them(I THINK wars have been fought about them). I always wanted small breasts. Little tshirts, boldly saying "HEY! i don't sag, i don't dip, my nipples don't shine like headlights"
That was my nickname when i was a bartender, so many years ago. "Headlights"...(SORRY GEORGE) In case you don't know, George is my brother..he HATES when i write anything sexual....
And my finale on breasts? Gotta love them....they mean so much to so many...Back to my packing....later.
Tonight, i can't help thinking about..BREASTS...I wore a sunshine yellow sleeveless turtleneck today...And my breasts were so...THERE...Each time i glimped myself in a mirror at work, they were the first thing i saw...I kept pulling my jacket over them, but they were so insistant.."I am ROUND, i am RIPE, I beg to be fondled."
It made me crazy. Aren't i too old for this? I guess not.
We women have no control over the shape, the size of our breasts. We cannot have designer nippples, either, unless we pay a whopping price for them, along with the size.
I have the Fox girl figure..long, slender legs, big bust.I struggle constantly with becoming a dumpling, my belly swells, my hips broaden.Yet, i am ALWAYS me, hips or no..Why do people obsess so much about their shape? We all look good in the dark, with a loving partner. It is such a crock, to be obsessed with it. If you are a man, do you love your woman any less because her breasts are small? I think not. You might dream of large, silky breasts in your hands or mouth, but, truly, does it matter when it comes down to it?
Isn't it more important to love her warmth next to you, in the middle of the night? The way she makes your doctors appointments, and raising an eyebrow at your diet? The walks, after dinner, talking about kids or work or whatever it is that is on your mind? The bills, the dreams, the garden next year?
Back to breasts....They are so wonderful, i know. A place so primordal, so tasty, they write poems and songs and fight wars about them(I THINK wars have been fought about them). I always wanted small breasts. Little tshirts, boldly saying "HEY! i don't sag, i don't dip, my nipples don't shine like headlights"
That was my nickname when i was a bartender, so many years ago. "Headlights"...(SORRY GEORGE) In case you don't know, George is my brother..he HATES when i write anything sexual....
And my finale on breasts? Gotta love them....they mean so much to so many...Back to my packing....later.
Friday, August 13, 2004
Friday Morning~~
Lots of dreams last night, and woke up achy and tired..I am zipping along now, coffee-fueled, and just got another bunch of boxes. The house looks like a tornado hit it, but, the computer room is just about packed.Gone are the books, the map of the United States, the mermaid pictures.Same with the antique typewriter and phone, and the old typeset drawer that i kept tiny animals displayed.
I feel sad, and happy. I don't like change, and i welcome change. I want to go;I don't want to go.
I keep putting off the garage sale...i think i will just play it by ear, and keep packing...Later....
Lots of dreams last night, and woke up achy and tired..I am zipping along now, coffee-fueled, and just got another bunch of boxes. The house looks like a tornado hit it, but, the computer room is just about packed.Gone are the books, the map of the United States, the mermaid pictures.Same with the antique typewriter and phone, and the old typeset drawer that i kept tiny animals displayed.
I feel sad, and happy. I don't like change, and i welcome change. I want to go;I don't want to go.
I keep putting off the garage sale...i think i will just play it by ear, and keep packing...Later....
Thursday, August 12, 2004
Thursday Morning~~
I woke up at 7am, little oj snuggled up against my hair. It was great quilt weather,in the white down comforter that Rikk bought me so i could sleep "in a cloud"
By 7:45 i was at Meijer's, with the old sparkplug from the lawnmower in my hand. (Wrapped in a coffee filter,haha). A few days ago, i wasn't even sure what a sparkplug looked like. I bought a new one, carefully matching up the numbers. Bought oil that thankfully said LAWNMOWER OIL,(Must have been Mr. Phillips cousin), and a new oil filter. Then i went home, and assembled my tools. A butter knife, a Phillips head screwdriver(just in case) a well, i am not sure of the name, i just took whatever i could find. Coffee in hand, in my happy pants, i knelt by the lawnmower. Sparkplug...hmmnn. that was easy. Air filter...hmmnn..that one was harder. Couldn't quite fiqure out how to put it back together, thank God for the picture on the back of the package. Oil...figured it was like a car...down a half quart...dumped some in.
Moment of truth...three presses of the little red button..annnnnd. VICTORY!!!!!
I smell like oil and gasoline, and my fingernails are black crescent moons...but...Thanks, God...i didn't know i could fix so much stuff....What ELSE can i do, that i didn't think i could???
The Happy Pants? They are my old chef pants, black background with red hot chili peppers and purple eggplants rioting over my curves...The kids beg me not to wear them, Rikk hates them, but, they make me happy.
NO WAY am i going to let the boys mow the lawn, today. Me and my happy pants are going to swagger across the lawn, smiling.
The tv is too dark...hmmmmmm...maybe that is next? Justin just came in, with a big grin on his face..."MOMMY!" how did u fix the lawnmower?, do u want me to mow?"
Not a chance....Later.
I woke up at 7am, little oj snuggled up against my hair. It was great quilt weather,in the white down comforter that Rikk bought me so i could sleep "in a cloud"
By 7:45 i was at Meijer's, with the old sparkplug from the lawnmower in my hand. (Wrapped in a coffee filter,haha). A few days ago, i wasn't even sure what a sparkplug looked like. I bought a new one, carefully matching up the numbers. Bought oil that thankfully said LAWNMOWER OIL,(Must have been Mr. Phillips cousin), and a new oil filter. Then i went home, and assembled my tools. A butter knife, a Phillips head screwdriver(just in case) a well, i am not sure of the name, i just took whatever i could find. Coffee in hand, in my happy pants, i knelt by the lawnmower. Sparkplug...hmmnn. that was easy. Air filter...hmmnn..that one was harder. Couldn't quite fiqure out how to put it back together, thank God for the picture on the back of the package. Oil...figured it was like a car...down a half quart...dumped some in.
Moment of truth...three presses of the little red button..annnnnd. VICTORY!!!!!
I smell like oil and gasoline, and my fingernails are black crescent moons...but...Thanks, God...i didn't know i could fix so much stuff....What ELSE can i do, that i didn't think i could???
The Happy Pants? They are my old chef pants, black background with red hot chili peppers and purple eggplants rioting over my curves...The kids beg me not to wear them, Rikk hates them, but, they make me happy.
NO WAY am i going to let the boys mow the lawn, today. Me and my happy pants are going to swagger across the lawn, smiling.
The tv is too dark...hmmmmmm...maybe that is next? Justin just came in, with a big grin on his face..."MOMMY!" how did u fix the lawnmower?, do u want me to mow?"
Not a chance....Later.
Wednesday, August 11, 2004
Wednesday Night~~
Neither rain nor sleet nor snow....i promised myself to write each day...And, here i am....The phone line broke, I fixed it...thanks to a good friend(hugs, Pat) and determination....Much more to write, but, so tired now, and the baby kitty is walking all over the keyboard...Later, tomorrow....sweet dreams.
Neither rain nor sleet nor snow....i promised myself to write each day...And, here i am....The phone line broke, I fixed it...thanks to a good friend(hugs, Pat) and determination....Much more to write, but, so tired now, and the baby kitty is walking all over the keyboard...Later, tomorrow....sweet dreams.
Tuesday, August 10, 2004
Tuesday Night~~
Good things happen in my kitchens..and each of my kitchens have oddly looked the same. I cannot escape my style, it has shadowed me for years. Always an apron hanging on a hook,a candle on the counter, a teapot or two or ten, on display. Artwork from loved ones on the refigerator, special magnets holding them. Wooden bowl full of onions and garlic and potatoes, that i bought at eighteen, in my first little apartment, from the dusty bottom shelf of an antique store. ( i always get on my knees and explore the bottom shelf..no one else does)
These are the backdrops to my life dramas...It is in kitchens that i have danced with lovers, it is in kitchens that i have gripped a coffee cup and cried, it is in kitchens that i have scrubbed the floor, furiously, as i worked out anger. It is in kitchens that i have kissed the most, from the boo-boo knees of my babies, to languid, heated, i-want-you rendevouz, to happily coupled embraces.
I have sung off key, alone, to Italian operas, wielding my wooden spoon dramaticly,creating feasts, and sadly contemplated empty cupboards, trying to stretch half a box of elbow macaroni and a can of tuna fish.
Most of all, my kitchen is my security blanket. I can surround myself with safety and comfort, anywhere, as long as i can feed someone. I have cooked on campfires and in fancy houses, i have cooked with nothing more then a one burner stove and on the best agas. I am not the best cook...i can't reel off a bechamel sauce by heart, nor can i cook for a crowd without a beating heart..but, i CAN silence a table, with nothing said more then busy forks and spoons, and have people tell me later"would you make that thing again, you know, that one you made with the noodles and green stuff" That makes me happy....that need to fill someone, to fill them to the top, to make them laugh, to serve, to cherish them...faults, foibles, and all...
I guess i am over the top with this post...i mean, people get by with a can of beans...and here i sit, writing about cooking...oh well, i always can fall back on "it's my blog, and i can write what i want to"..kinda like one of my favorite oldies, "it's my party, and i can cry if i want to"...
On a very different note...the special gift i gave J for his birthday? A mandolin.
Grandpa Quintavalle came to america in 1907, at 14, with only his mandolin and his dreams. He played on street corners in Brooklyn to make his way...a self taught musican. His great grandson, J, is the same self taught musican. Grandpa guides him, i know. More, later....PS...this is one post i refuse to preview...let it be written, before i chicken out on the intimacy of it all....later.
Good things happen in my kitchens..and each of my kitchens have oddly looked the same. I cannot escape my style, it has shadowed me for years. Always an apron hanging on a hook,a candle on the counter, a teapot or two or ten, on display. Artwork from loved ones on the refigerator, special magnets holding them. Wooden bowl full of onions and garlic and potatoes, that i bought at eighteen, in my first little apartment, from the dusty bottom shelf of an antique store. ( i always get on my knees and explore the bottom shelf..no one else does)
These are the backdrops to my life dramas...It is in kitchens that i have danced with lovers, it is in kitchens that i have gripped a coffee cup and cried, it is in kitchens that i have scrubbed the floor, furiously, as i worked out anger. It is in kitchens that i have kissed the most, from the boo-boo knees of my babies, to languid, heated, i-want-you rendevouz, to happily coupled embraces.
I have sung off key, alone, to Italian operas, wielding my wooden spoon dramaticly,creating feasts, and sadly contemplated empty cupboards, trying to stretch half a box of elbow macaroni and a can of tuna fish.
Most of all, my kitchen is my security blanket. I can surround myself with safety and comfort, anywhere, as long as i can feed someone. I have cooked on campfires and in fancy houses, i have cooked with nothing more then a one burner stove and on the best agas. I am not the best cook...i can't reel off a bechamel sauce by heart, nor can i cook for a crowd without a beating heart..but, i CAN silence a table, with nothing said more then busy forks and spoons, and have people tell me later"would you make that thing again, you know, that one you made with the noodles and green stuff" That makes me happy....that need to fill someone, to fill them to the top, to make them laugh, to serve, to cherish them...faults, foibles, and all...
I guess i am over the top with this post...i mean, people get by with a can of beans...and here i sit, writing about cooking...oh well, i always can fall back on "it's my blog, and i can write what i want to"..kinda like one of my favorite oldies, "it's my party, and i can cry if i want to"...
On a very different note...the special gift i gave J for his birthday? A mandolin.
Grandpa Quintavalle came to america in 1907, at 14, with only his mandolin and his dreams. He played on street corners in Brooklyn to make his way...a self taught musican. His great grandson, J, is the same self taught musican. Grandpa guides him, i know. More, later....PS...this is one post i refuse to preview...let it be written, before i chicken out on the intimacy of it all....later.
Monday, August 09, 2004
Monday Morning~~
I woke at 5am today,with a rustle outside the window.A skunk, nose in the knocked over garbage can. I always pay attention to the animals i see unexpectedly...each have their own wisdom and teaching to impart. From a shamanism website i like:Skunk's wisdom includes reputation, sensuality, self respect, courage, will power, and self confidence.
Just the things i need today, to give notice at work. I hate confrontations, i hate rocking the boat..but, rock it i will, because a new life awaits J. and I.
". . . He set my feet on solid ground and steadies me as I walked along. "
Psalm 40:1-2 NLT
That was the daily bible phrase i just recieved in an email today...Hmmnn, between the skunky visit and the psalm, i guess i don't have to worry about much, today.
It has really hit me that the serious countdown has begun...This time next month, i will be typing from my rose colored bedroom in maryland, looking out to the maple tree in the backyard, with the wind blowing in through the high windows.
It is in maryland that i will start my novel. I am mentally turning over story lines, and titles, as i wash dishes, and sell beds, and pack. This blog has been wonderful for me, a written expression of desire and disapline, concrete evidence that i can write.
Time to pay some bills, have one more coffee, and off to work i go.
I woke at 5am today,with a rustle outside the window.A skunk, nose in the knocked over garbage can. I always pay attention to the animals i see unexpectedly...each have their own wisdom and teaching to impart. From a shamanism website i like:Skunk's wisdom includes reputation, sensuality, self respect, courage, will power, and self confidence.
Just the things i need today, to give notice at work. I hate confrontations, i hate rocking the boat..but, rock it i will, because a new life awaits J. and I.
". . . He set my feet on solid ground and steadies me as I walked along. "
Psalm 40:1-2 NLT
That was the daily bible phrase i just recieved in an email today...Hmmnn, between the skunky visit and the psalm, i guess i don't have to worry about much, today.
It has really hit me that the serious countdown has begun...This time next month, i will be typing from my rose colored bedroom in maryland, looking out to the maple tree in the backyard, with the wind blowing in through the high windows.
It is in maryland that i will start my novel. I am mentally turning over story lines, and titles, as i wash dishes, and sell beds, and pack. This blog has been wonderful for me, a written expression of desire and disapline, concrete evidence that i can write.
Time to pay some bills, have one more coffee, and off to work i go.
Sunday, August 08, 2004
Sunday Night!!
OH BOY! I can WRITE! I am no Hemingway, and, truth be told, i am terrified of writing that novel i rhapsidse about:because, i don't think i am good enough. That's not going to stop me, though, because i have moved mountains, insecure or not...
I love food. I love words. They are one and the same, when the creative juices get flowing...You have a plan, and then creativity comes, in a dark, seductive cape, sweeping you off your feet, tongue in your ear, whispering suggestions that you just purr and melt into...and your plan becomes the open road, free, traveling where it wants to, until you just give up, and bite into it's succulence.
I was going to take J. to dinner tonight for his birthday...then i thought to ask him if that was what he wanted(quite the concept, eh?). He didn't want the Olive Garden, or even Outback..he wanted me to cook...Something Italian, yet creamy, something ...hmmnnn....he didn't really know...
So i got home at 5:15, and for the last almost 2 hours, in the kitchen...Fresh peppers, and onions, and garlic...parsley snipped from the yard, and basil from the enamal pot sitting in the old seatless chair...ricotta, so creamy and rich, and chicken, seared in a hot pan, and simmered in rich tomato sauce...
I love words, i love food. Such an adventure, so sensual, a mingling of taste, and texture, and placement...You take what you have, you create...You shop, you choose, you create. And when all is said and done, you sit at the table...you spit it out, or you draw it in, but never, never, is it boring...
That is Life, never boring...if you create. Paint in chalk on the sidewalk, dance to Vivaldi, whisper sweet words to a stranger, just...create...
We are all so afraid, afraid of not being good enough, afraid to shine, because we think others shine brighter...SO WHAT?...In shining our own selves, we become luminous, authentic, and that holds a beauty unto itself.
I think i just gave MYSELF a good talking to...because YOU are never afraid of not being good enough, afraid to shine...are you? Wink, wink....
Birthday Menu
Chicken Cacciatore with Grilled Peppers
Jumbo Stuffed Shells...Cheese Stuffed, with Parsley,Nutmeg and Loccatelli cheese
Steak Stuffed, with Ricotta, Basil, and Garlic
Balsamic Vinegar and Olive Oil Salad, tossed with tomatoes, Cukes, and Spinach from the Garden..Garnished with black olive flowers and chunks of merlot soaked green olives
Pineapple upside down cake for dessert, with fresh whipped creme...
Bon Appetit, J...Happy Birthday
Ps...i hope the steak stuffed shells are good, they are basicly leftovers, lovingly drawn into service..
Remind me, will you, to express the sheer sensuality of stuffing jumbo shells...i could write a treastie on them that could make me blush....
AH! time for dinner....ciao!
OH BOY! I can WRITE! I am no Hemingway, and, truth be told, i am terrified of writing that novel i rhapsidse about:because, i don't think i am good enough. That's not going to stop me, though, because i have moved mountains, insecure or not...
I love food. I love words. They are one and the same, when the creative juices get flowing...You have a plan, and then creativity comes, in a dark, seductive cape, sweeping you off your feet, tongue in your ear, whispering suggestions that you just purr and melt into...and your plan becomes the open road, free, traveling where it wants to, until you just give up, and bite into it's succulence.
I was going to take J. to dinner tonight for his birthday...then i thought to ask him if that was what he wanted(quite the concept, eh?). He didn't want the Olive Garden, or even Outback..he wanted me to cook...Something Italian, yet creamy, something ...hmmnnn....he didn't really know...
So i got home at 5:15, and for the last almost 2 hours, in the kitchen...Fresh peppers, and onions, and garlic...parsley snipped from the yard, and basil from the enamal pot sitting in the old seatless chair...ricotta, so creamy and rich, and chicken, seared in a hot pan, and simmered in rich tomato sauce...
I love words, i love food. Such an adventure, so sensual, a mingling of taste, and texture, and placement...You take what you have, you create...You shop, you choose, you create. And when all is said and done, you sit at the table...you spit it out, or you draw it in, but never, never, is it boring...
That is Life, never boring...if you create. Paint in chalk on the sidewalk, dance to Vivaldi, whisper sweet words to a stranger, just...create...
We are all so afraid, afraid of not being good enough, afraid to shine, because we think others shine brighter...SO WHAT?...In shining our own selves, we become luminous, authentic, and that holds a beauty unto itself.
I think i just gave MYSELF a good talking to...because YOU are never afraid of not being good enough, afraid to shine...are you? Wink, wink....
Birthday Menu
Chicken Cacciatore with Grilled Peppers
Jumbo Stuffed Shells...Cheese Stuffed, with Parsley,Nutmeg and Loccatelli cheese
Steak Stuffed, with Ricotta, Basil, and Garlic
Balsamic Vinegar and Olive Oil Salad, tossed with tomatoes, Cukes, and Spinach from the Garden..Garnished with black olive flowers and chunks of merlot soaked green olives
Pineapple upside down cake for dessert, with fresh whipped creme...
Bon Appetit, J...Happy Birthday
Ps...i hope the steak stuffed shells are good, they are basicly leftovers, lovingly drawn into service..
Remind me, will you, to express the sheer sensuality of stuffing jumbo shells...i could write a treastie on them that could make me blush....
AH! time for dinner....ciao!
Saturday, August 07, 2004
Saturday Morning~~
Dressed for success today, royalblue silk blouse, sheer black stockings and skirt,paisley blazer in black,royalblue,and gold. Tamed my curls into elegant swirls,and am ready to sell some beds.
All the while, doing the girly stuff to get ready for work, a hundred lists in my head.Fix the lawnmower, things for the garage sale this thursday, basic cleaning, all my finaces to get in order...so many things, it's going to be quite the challenge to balance them all...AND...today's is J's birthday, too. I bought him something very special for his 18th birthday....i will get into it tonight, when the lawnmower's fixed, when the birthday cake is finished(will i have time for a homemade one this year?)..Oh, lordy...so much to do.
Deb called me at home last night..says that the guys are infighting at work big time..trying to decide who's going to do all my work..bickering and backstabbing each other, jeeeshhh. I am giving my notice on monday, a full two weeks. I have decided that even if the boss says "go now", at least i was true to my own integrity to the bitter end. I will find a way to make up for the lost income,somehow, if he does tell me to go...
Feel like i am writing like eating with chopsticks...fun, but with short, quick stabs and lots of misses....Off to work i go, yippie!!!(with the theme song of Bonanza running thru my head,lol)
Dressed for success today, royalblue silk blouse, sheer black stockings and skirt,paisley blazer in black,royalblue,and gold. Tamed my curls into elegant swirls,and am ready to sell some beds.
All the while, doing the girly stuff to get ready for work, a hundred lists in my head.Fix the lawnmower, things for the garage sale this thursday, basic cleaning, all my finaces to get in order...so many things, it's going to be quite the challenge to balance them all...AND...today's is J's birthday, too. I bought him something very special for his 18th birthday....i will get into it tonight, when the lawnmower's fixed, when the birthday cake is finished(will i have time for a homemade one this year?)..Oh, lordy...so much to do.
Deb called me at home last night..says that the guys are infighting at work big time..trying to decide who's going to do all my work..bickering and backstabbing each other, jeeeshhh. I am giving my notice on monday, a full two weeks. I have decided that even if the boss says "go now", at least i was true to my own integrity to the bitter end. I will find a way to make up for the lost income,somehow, if he does tell me to go...
Feel like i am writing like eating with chopsticks...fun, but with short, quick stabs and lots of misses....Off to work i go, yippie!!!(with the theme song of Bonanza running thru my head,lol)
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