Tuesday, March 30, 2004

I don't know what i want to say right now.. or write....
I am feeling so much anger, i don't know why. I could blame it on a million things, hormones, disapointment in my job, kids, life...but...that's stupid. ...Life happens, and it's all in your attidtude.My attitude right now sucks. I was on my hands and knees, scrubbing the damn bathroom.....not a pretty job ever,..thinking of how wronged i was...and....i couldnt help but feel, thru the shitty (no pun intended) scrubbing, that i was damn luckyk to even HAVE a bathroom to scrub.. I seem to vacillate between thankfulness and whining....Thankful right now, that no one is reading this.

Monday, March 29, 2004

Nine am and i am fresh out of a glorious shower. I love the weight of my hair down my back as the hot water streams over me.I feel extra-charged up today, ready to take on the world. The sky is still a dull gray, but the maples have turned red with buds, and my first crocuses have bloomed in a bouquet of purple, yellow and white. I stepped out the backdoor barefoot, and felt the cold, new grass under my feet as i listened to the cardinals singing "pretty,pretty,pretty" in the trees.
Youngest son made it home just fine. My mother antenna is still up, but he said yesterday was an all day jam session with the other band members. I am thinking that the tail end of motherhood might just be the hardest part, watching them break away, wanting them to break away, and yet still under your roof so you get to watch their wiley attempts to keep you in the dark as to what is really going on.Time's flying, and i have to stop and dress for work....later.

Sunday, March 28, 2004

Don't let Motherhood fool you...HA! Don't let that biological timebomb explode without listening to a veteran...It aint't always pretty......!!!!! Justin came home yesterday, went straight into his room, crashed...and i didnt hear a peep until 6:30 am this morning., when his alarm went off...SUNDAY...his alarm went off, the only day i can sleep late....I stumbled to his room, shut off the alarm, and went back to bed....I vaguely heard him in the bathroom, and by the time i really got up, about 8am., he was gone....GONE! a seventeen year old gone on a sunday at 8am!!!!My mother antenna immediately up and doing a 360 scan.....Tried to think the best, and went to work at 11am....6pm., home again...NO JUSTIN!!! where the hell is he? what is he doing? why not the courtesty of a phone call????? They ALWAYS know where i am....It's 8pm and i am pissed., pissed at the unknown...what is wrong with the male species? Does their penis take the place of the phallic shape of the phone? Is THAT why they feel no need to pick up the phone, because they have already put their penis in hand, and that is effort enough???????I should CHARGE by the hour for all the time i could have spent meditating or relaxing that i have RUINED waiting for a phone call.....I am going to do it, publicly, indeliably...I hereby utter the curse of motherhood upon my youngest son..."Justin, may you someday have a child just like you". There. it is done. I am going to make a strong pot of tea, and wait for him to come home.

Saturday, March 27, 2004

Time to go back to work today. I only have an hour to get ready and be there for the sales meeting.I wonder how many people really enjoy their job? Why do we slip into jobs that we really don't love, when we spend so much time working?I broke away two years ago, and got a job cooking in an exclusive gourmet catering firm. I had to get up at 5am,pull every curl back into a severe bun, and wear baggie chef whites. It was hot, physical and stressful. But i loved it! My sharp knife slicing, chopping, mincing. My fingers working dough.Knowing by feel, by intuition, just how much spice to add. When something was perfectly done without watching a clock. It left me free to daydream, lost in stories and fantasies, while my body never stopped. But there just wasn't enough money in it...If it had been just me, i would have sold the house and moved to a one room apt. Got rid of the fancy car and bought a junker. I don't have the same definition of success that most americans seem to have. But, i'm raising my kids, and they need a stable home, and that takes money, more money then a chef asst. makes..I wept when i made the decision to go back to sales. I knew what i was in for again. Oh well....my time will come. This blog seems to have a life of it's own. I am really curious to see what thread all this rambling has to pull it together. later....

Friday, March 26, 2004

I'm happy write now.I'm happy right now, too. The soup was so good....I made justin taste my bowl as he was flying out the door for band practice., and he careened back into the kitchen, hair in his eyes, song notebook under one arm, to grab a wooden bowl of soup on the run...I yelled"Bring back my bowl and spoon!"., but that was just practiced motherhood., because i am glad he has someone to feed him homemade soup while he can., no strings attached.....
I am up!!!Seems self-reliance is a continuing theme for me. No more white, I am UP!!Seems like my cookies gave the site indigestion., or something. All i know is that when i really want something, i get it....even going by way of blind ignorance...
I never got out of my nightgown today. My token glance to propriety was to put on my batik robe when someone came in....and, with two teenage boys, someone is ALWAYS coming in....
A meat vendor came to the door., and extolted the virtues of his beef and chicken and shrimp., all the while looking at my barefeet and deranged curls and my robe clutched to my middle(I can't find the sash). Poor him....never judge a book by it's cover...By the time he finished, i got 8 filet mignons he tried to sell me for 45.00 for 20 dollars....and, i gave him my card in case he needed a new mattress set.
My neighbor drove by and yelled" I've got some meat i can show ya"...I had to laugh..Spring has sprung, the urge to mate and flirt and reveal in warmth is back., even in my neighbor Chuck, normally so mild mannered and quiet....
My hands smell like garlic and onions and spices....I made an all day pot of chicken soup...The real kind, starting with a chicken. Simmered gently, with hunks of celery, onion, carrots, and garlic....until the meat is tender, sliding off the bone...then strained, strained again., til a clear broth runs true....The broth in the freezer, so all the fat rises to the top., to be skimmed and thrown away....the meat pulled off the bone., the last thing to go into the finished soup...A virgin pallette.....clear., strong, lovely broth.....should i do grandma alice's simple., delicious version, with finely chopped onions, carrots, and celery? or should i play....
I decided on adding both grandma's to my pot....grandma mary was italian...in her honor i am adding garlic, sun dried tomatos.,mini penne, and artichoke hearts....grandma alice was german/dutch...i will add parsnips., too. When it is done,
i will top it with parmesan cheese and minced fresh parsley.
Food is sex to me. Food is writing to me. It follows no recipe., it is just existing on being delicious...time to check the soup......
Writing into a white void.....looking out the window to my left, where the sky is white,too.I haven't been able to fix my blog, and when i go to my site, all i see is white...But the need to write is here, so who cares? I went back to bed this morning, after my early morning Take Justin to School excursion. I never do that, but today i crawled back under the down quilt. I don't sleep, i burrow,snuggling deep,heaped with quilts and pillows..I don't think i am awake yet., and my coffee tastes like motor fuel.....i guess what i want to write isn't ready to spill....later.

Thursday, March 25, 2004

oh, lord....if i ever get this right, i am going to go to computer classes....jeeshhhhhh
i think i really screwed up trying to post comments...but, jon is helping me.....
Finally, a day off....kinda....Took Justin to school at 7:15am, in just a few taking Todd to college...This morning is country music..uh-oh.,not a good sign. In my personal emotional dipstick, country music means i am depressed..Maybe i will let the laundry and the dishes and the routine stuff go, and drive to the park and look for swans....water, always water, to soothe my heart.
i want to swim...i glide through the water, so clear, so warm.....i hear sounds in another language, and, i pretend i understand it. i pretend it is my original language, and i am home again.. i swish my legs through the water, and the feeling is sensual, silky. I open my mouth, and let the water rush in. I hold it, and blow it out, strong, in a stream, a rush of liquid against liquid...i flip on my back, and stare up at the edge of UpThere, a sharp linear barrier of the bouyant home i inhabit, and the footed world of sky.

Wednesday, March 24, 2004

it is almost 12am, and, i went from anticipation of a lover to feeling like a meatloaf abandoned in a warming oven...Older son's girlfriend came over., almost gave me a heartattack....slipped down the stairs dressed all in black, silent, like a photo negative, impressed on my colours.
We started to talk...somehow i got on the subject of Todd's heart condition at age 11...I relived the green tile floor of the hospital., my drunken ex=husbands bullshit bravado., my steely rejection of his imput on our son's treatment...my begging for medical help from the government for his treatment(no insurance then....)and, the seeds of faith as i realized that i had no control over his life or death....all good is a gift., all bad is a test.....hmmnnn......
I thought of writing in this journal all day. It was like waiting to be with a lover. I am home, still in heels, still tensed up from a day of sales. ..7 ten hour days in a row...jeesh...one more job to do...take my 17 year old's girlfriend home..and, then, here i come, flannel pj's with the little moons and stars, a glass of wine, and classic r&b....
it is almost 12am, and, i went from anticipation of a lover to feeling like a meatloaf abandoned in a warming oven...Older son's girlfriend came over., almost gave me a heartattack....slipped down the stairs dressed all in black, silent, like a photo negative, impressed on my colours.
We started to talk...somehow i got on the subject of Todd's heart condition at age 11...I relived the green tile floor of the hospital., my drunken ex=husbands bullshit bravado., my steely rejection of his imput on our son's treatment...my begging for medical help from the government for his treatment(no insurance then....)and, the seeds of faith as i realized that i had no control over his life or death....all good is a gift., all bad is a test.....hmmnnn......
well, i have done it. Dragged myself up and onward....bye Marvin, bye, cats, bye cozy home...this mermaid is doing the breaststoke to work.......
Well, since i am one to throw out directions and just plunge in, here i am, with my first post. It's a soft, rainy spring morning, not sure whether it should dance as spring, or snuggle back into winter.
I don't want to go to work today. I want to stay here at home, writing, drinking coffee, listening to The Drifters, and Marvin Gaye, swaying to their rhythms as i type.
I don't want to tame my hair into a professional coif, and i don't want to paint my face or slip into heels. And i certainly don't want to sell beds for 10 hours...but....I will, cuz the mortgage has to be paid and the kids DO like to eat....
Maybe i will compromise. Hair wild, as a silent rebellion against the restrictions in my life, but still go to work....later,gator.

Tuesday, March 23, 2004

I love this!!!!!