Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Thanks to my friend Barbara for sending me this email! I laughed so hard I almost well, youOnce again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternative meanings for common words.

The winners are:

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you
absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n), olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) A smelly British apartment.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are this year's winners:

1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops
bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.

8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

9. Karmageddon (n): its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious

10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.

12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

13. Arachnoleptic fit (n..): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:

16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
=========================================== know..

Sunday, February 07, 2010

Let me prefice this post with the fact that I know NOTHING about football. I wasn't even mildly interested in it until i found out this year that the players don't wear underwear. It has been the saving grace in my occasionally unavoidable viewing.

Fort Lauderdale, FL., 26 years ago....

I was the same age as the aforementioned date, and engaged to be married. I should have gotten the hint that when I picked Super Bowl weekend to exchange our vows and he squirmed, something wasn't quite right in couple heaven.

Ok, you don't want to marry me because "THE SUPER BOWL" is a bigger event? I decided to go with the flow and cook him and his buddies the best, and I MEAN BEST, Super Bowl munchies imaginable.

So we went to the hour before the game started...and I didn't mean to, but it HOUR...

He was sweating as I smiled happily and got in the car. He gritted his teeth and never said a word, but he drove really fast back to our little apartment.

The guys he'd invited over had already demolished the leftovers in the fridge, as well as his bottle of Jack, my special occasion Amartetto, and that nasty bottle of red I thought had gone bad.

They watched the game as I made crab imperial, roast beef tenderloin on croustades, and sour cream clam dip.

I never knew until the last bitter fights as we divorced how he hated me that hour in the car, and loved me enough to endure it.

Super Bowl of the game, lose the championship...or something like that, if I only knew how to play the game........

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

I am not sure if I am mature enough, strong enough, tough enough to handle this holiday. My oldest child, a man with a family of his own, is 750 miles away. My youngest who still lives at home at 22, is working until 9:30 pm.

I still bought a 19 lb. turkey. Where are my sisters, laughing with me in the kitchen as we drink wine and dance and cook?

Where is my husband, dicing onions and running errands and when all is said and done smiles at me across the table?

How do I do this? How do I cook a Thanksgiving dinner for two at 9:30 at night and go to work the next morning at 10 with a belly full of rich food eaten too late at night?

Somehow I have to honor myself, be my own friend, spend the alone time enjoying the peace and tranquillity that is so alien to my existance.

I have to make a new tradition. I have to recognise that time has passed and I am no longer a mother responsible for establishing a tradition for her sons.

I have to realise I am no longer a wife with a man beside me to relax with into familiarity.

Somehow I have to transition into what is real, the present moment, and be thankful.

I will remind myself, looking in the mirror, that I love me, just for being here.

Even if I cry into the gravy.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

I have to call today a rainbow day. You can be driving along, thinking about all the things you haven't done, have to do, or wish you done and then you see a rainbow and all that "stuff" is forgotten in the sheer wonder and beauty of God's prism strewn across the sky like a bouquet of flowers.

I haven't had an easy time lately with my emotions. My expectations of what life should be like at 54 in my imagination are far from my daily reality.

Lets just say I read too many Jane Eyre novels interspersed with spicy romance novels to even have a clue about how real relationships and life works.

But back to the rainbow... I bitched and moaned to my best friend about EVERYTHING he did wrong, and forgot to take each day I COULD enjoy with him just like the word says phonetically "IN JOY".

We took a vagabond trip to artist Andrew Wyeth's showcase museum..

Oh! To stand and be close enough to touch art such as his! Each beam of wood so detailed I could taste the splinter on my tongue!

His nude of Simi as a young girl and her emergence as a woman puddled in the water of virginity..OH!

His Helene (might be wrong on the name but the painting was ecstatic) with the sunlight glinting off her yellow braid of hair and her feminine brush like a golden spindle of desire...

His white wagon delineated in the moonlight and reflected on patches of snow with the darkness stabbed by layer and layer of black and blacker and ebony...

How did he do it? What was inside him, what vacillating vision of darkness and light forced his brush?

Kittycat just walked across the keyboard...

Sign to stop this post of a cherished rainbow day I will wear as a necklace of life.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Is it really one a.m.? I just walked through the door from work. Kitchen madness with morning prep work interrupted by early customers picking up salads, followed by the lunch dine in crowd, merging into late afternoon getting ready for dinner, flying back and forth like a dervish with a spoon in my hand.

Time to go to bed...missed breakfast, lunch and dinner. Hope my mind follows my body and sleep comes easy, because tomorrow is another long, long day, same scenario, with a small catered party thrown in for a grand cosmic chuckle.

That's okay, I can do it, and do it well.

Friday, October 09, 2009

It's 5am and all is still save the humming of the refigerator. I woke up an hour ago, knowing I had a 13 hour workday ahead, but unable to go back to sleep.

I forgot to call in the produce order for work. Lots of valid excuses for the slip, but the bottom line is I didn't get it done and we need that order TODAY.

I guess I'll make a trip to BJ's before work and try to salvage the situation.

What I'd really like to do is calmly buy a oneway train ticket to ANYWHERE and leave my life for awhile.

All because of a forgotten produce order? No, it runs deeper than that. I'm tired of the daily routine. I'm tired of being responsible. I'm tired of feeling like a bird with her wings taped to her sides.

Oh will get better. At least I'm writing again, even if it is about a forgotten produce order at 5am.

Thursday, October 08, 2009

Ok, at this point I question whether or not I am a writer. I haven't written in so long, I feel like a born-again virgin on her wedding night...awkward, but still knows how to do it.

I like graveyards. I have loved them all my life...the weathered stones with the half seen numbers delineating life and death, the lasting sentiments written by loved ones still alive.

I like to walk them, imagining the moments of each person, once laughing and crying and birthing and cooking and holding hands.

Did they hold hands? Were they generous with their material goods? Did they work hard, scraping and saving and then leave it to the next generation? Were they mean spirited and nasty?

Did the ones that left their stones love them? That is the burning question for me.

The only question...

I like to touch the stones and try to fathom their lives, and hence better my own.

Friday, September 04, 2009

tonight is the pisces full moon-I've already heard word of a friend's husband thrown in jail and gotten a phone call from my former husband about a reunion with his daughter from his first marriage.

Hmnn...what's next?

Monday, August 31, 2009

Oh those days of Jesus following me with his eyes and bloody thorn crown, with the fan in the window blowing sticky Brooklyn air onto the bleach scented sheets.

I was 10, spending a week with Grandma Mary and Grandpa Pasquale, squeaky clean and suburb reared, about to be educated into the glories of love.

Could I know then how a man impossibly old and a woman plump and lined could have a passionate love affair? No, never...

Grandpa called me monkey, and let me climb out the fire escape to get his bottle of ruby painted wine. I was exalted by the black wraut iron filigree and the height from the 10 story apt. building, clothes strung across the brick alley. As I grabbed the heavy green jug, I looked both ways to make sure the Jesus picture and my grandma didn't see me, and spit over the side, just to see how far it would go.

Grandma's hands were tiny, with long fingers and oval nails. She took two glasses from the enamal cupboard and sliced peaches into them. Grandpa poured wine over the peaches and daubed a bit on my tongue.

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Busy day at work today. Getting myself ready to go in now. Already made a yummy chicken soup with chickpeas, spinach and orzo for lunch but have a lot of prep for pickups this weekend. Not looking forward to coming home and taking a trip out to the farm with more stuff. Just want to be moved and in one house! Later...

Friday, June 12, 2009

Step by step, inch by inch. That's my attitude as I have changed course and decided to cook again for a living, working in a hot kitchen 6 days a week as I pack boxes and take carloads of stuff to the new house I'm moving into in less then 2 weeks.

Step by step, inch by inch.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Okay, I haven't posted in a long, long time. The daffadils have come and gone and the corn is already growing an inch a day here on Delmarva.

Best news is my old beat-up computer has been magically resuscitated with my novel in progress, my poetry AND my 3 years worth of newspaper columns intact. Yippee!

I think a year's worth of writers block is quite long enough and I can feel the pull to write curling around me.

Of course, lots of other things happening too. Did I tell you about?

Hmnn...will have to wait til tomorrow for THAT story.

Monday, March 30, 2009

It is the morning of the second day back in my little cottage by the lake in Michigan. I have slept deeply, with contentment, as if the very walls and sugurpine floorboards welcomed me back.

Though my name is still on the deed, when I left it to my then 22 year old son 5 years ago and moved to Maryland with my youngest son I knew I had passed the baton of ownership on. I walked my gardens and caressed my lilac tree and rested my cheek against the hundred year old maple in the backyard. Deep inside I knew it was time to journey on.

And here I am, home but not home, because my son and his wife and her two children and their baby they made together have loved this little house into a sanctuary of their own design.

They honor me as a respected Mother, and greeted me with homemade cookies and sweet smelling sheets and the arms of my grandchildren.

It has just occurred to me that there is a reason that we all get along so well~my son is a Pisces, my daughter in law a Scorpio, my grandaughter a Scorpio, my two grandsons Cancers, and me? I'm a Cancerian too.

There is a synchronicity and flow to our relationships that is as soothing as a calm still lake.

Tomorrow I will head home to Maryland and only the crashing of the sea with its ebb and flow and endless horizon will catch my tears.

I don't want to leave this family of my heart.

Saturday, March 28, 2009

I find it amazing that I am sitting in the Philly airport writing on my laptop. Now I know how my grandmother must have felt with those newfangled cars and the advent of electricity and the telephone.

All around me people have computers and phones and gadjets hanging off of their bodies.

It feels eerie in music at all, just the vibration and growl of the jets out the wall of windows. I don't see very many smiles on faces either, but I can hear all the thoughts constantly spinning in their heads.

Seems like a perfect time for a little sneaky breathing pick me up....

The morning didn't go so a matter of fact I missed my early flight. I could blame my son for not coming home all night and then finally showing up redeyed and goofy after a night of partying, but when you start to take responsibiity for all your experiences it just doesn't have the same zing to it.

I went up to the ticket counter anyway, and the man put me on the next flight for free. I'll arrive 5 hours later, but I'll still arrive:)

An hour ago I had myself all cosy tucked into a corner of the airport, playing solataire and drinking coffee. There was a tiny Muslim woman dressed all in black and she asked me if I was going to Portland. I thought she was lost, but it turned out she was an airport employee. A few minutes later I heard her arguing politely with an elderly woman in a wheelchair. Apparently she had missed her flight, and she was blaming the Muslim woman for not having the plane back up to let her on!
She insisted that the employee give her money for food at the very least, and she said she was depressed and hungry.

Everybody within earshot was very careful to pretend they couldn't see or hear the two women verbally duking it out.

I didn't have enough money to give her, but I had a bag of nuts and m&m's. I got up and said "here. you're hungry. This will help." She looked at me in amazement as I opened up the bag.

Moral of the story: She was just plain hungry and scared and alone. It was so easy to reach out to her.

Oh boy I get to board in half an hour!

See you later:)

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Today is misty and cool with bare trees topped with redbuds and white pear blossoms getting ready to burst.

I'm getting ready to burst too. Saturday morning before sunrise I'll be at the airport, ready to fly home to Michigan to see my firstborn grandbaby.

This has been a yearning for almost 2 years now, as he'll be 2 in July.

My son and his incredible woman bought me a ticket with their tax return! It was completely unexpected, and work and home and time seemed to flow effortlessly to make the trip happen.

All I have left to do is attend a company gathering this evening, go to work tomorrow morning, and dress up as a mysterious gypsy and read tarot cards for the local parrothead fundraiser tomorrow night. I like to play dressup and read cards, so it ought to be fun.

Then into the sky and into my family's arms!!! I'm so thankful I can feel my heart swelling in my chest.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Somewhere in the middle of the presence process I became fascinated with the game of Solitaire. I now think that in itself is hilarious, because solitaire, of course, is a game played by and for oneself!

Astonishingly, I would win game after game until the point became not how many times I won, but how fast.

It then became a game a game of strategy and I forgot to check my time score. Even the winning lost its luster as I realized it was the game itself I enjoyed.

The cards started to impact me with symbolism..~if there was a dearth of Queens, I know I wasn’t getting anywhere with no mommas in the picture. Kings became dads and jacks became sons and daughters. All had important roles to play and unless they were there the game was over.

Even the number cards started to weave themselves into endless patterns of interconnectedness.

I know I am on to something here.

In the meantime, Solitaire, anyone?

Thursday, February 19, 2009

The Case of the Missing Cat

Three weeks ago I agreed to foster-mom a 5 month old orange tomcat for our local cat rescue league. I already have a year old gray female cat named Sassy, and she didn't like the newcomer ONE BIT. I named the newcomer Hugsly because once on my lap, he was a cuddly little lover.

Once he was off my lap, he was so timid he hid in the oddest places...squeezing behind the fireplace, under cupboards and behind the dryer. His nightly skirmishes with Queen Sassy didn't help matters, as she defended her spot on my bed with the ferocity of a tiger.

Now he is just plain invisible. I haven't seen him in a week and I know he didn't skip out the door. I have been telling myself it will just take time for him to feel at home, but where the heck is he??? I know it's really starting to bug me because last night I dreamt I got up to get a drink of water in the middle of the night and he was in the kitchen.

Where is that cat?

Friday, February 13, 2009

Spring is making it's way here with wild winds scrubbing the trees clean of dead branches and blowing away last year's crumbled leaves to reveal green daffodil shoots. Kneeling in the earth and feeling the soil through my fingers is God's chapel for me.

The first day of 2009 was a shocker. I lost my primary job when the business closed without warning. Did I mention they owed me a month's salary?

On January 12th I decided to once again participate in my my life and attempt the presence process. My 4 previous attempts crashed and burned by session 6.

This time I seem to have one thought burned into my forehead..."NO MATTER WHAT, breathe twice a day."

It's been quite unpleasant and quite glorious and I have no idea where I am going if anywhere at all.

Last week my landlord, who has really been patient with my late rent, asked me to pay in full or leave. I recognise that my lack of moolah is an emotional blockage and as these circumstances come up they are brought in love to help me integrate my childhood.

Happy about a possible eviction? Strange, I knew it wasn't to hurt me, but for my highest good. I looked around at all my stuff, walking from room to room, and mentally cleared it all out. Bunches of twitches and tears and aches bubbled up from the depths during my breathing exercises.

This week it turns out my tax return will cover the back rent with just enough left over to pay the accountant and my landlord is graciously willing to wait until it gets here.

I really don't think there are coincidences anymore.

Spring cleaning has a new meaning for me now.