Tuesday NIght~~ Last Supper...
I have wiggled back and forth on packing the kitchen..but, tonight was the last supper..and i am packing it up.
Chicken cutlets, like my mom made...boneless breasts of chicken, pounded thin with a mallet, then dipped in flour, egg/parmesan cheese/milk/garlic/pepper,then fine breadcrumbs with parsley...Fried quick, in olive oil, til both sides are crispy, golden, fragrant, melt on your tongue, tickle in your belly good. Side dish of fettachine alfredo..(secret recipe...lol) and a salad jeweled with fresh tomatos and basil from the garden.
The phone rang while i was cooking...Matt...honorary son #3...and he heard the tears in my voice...who could help it, cooking the last supper, listening to Andrea Bocceli singing Sogno? Ten minutes later he was over, with his big brother Daniel, honorary son #4...I love them both, and have watched them grow from wild wee things to the giant wild men they are today...Crazy, what i have seen temper them is the women they love...we tend to gentley guide our men., with our hands cupping...well, you get the picture.
To boot, cramps like an elephant on my belly, but, can't stop now....I WILL get it all done....
Found out today that the writing site i first was published on accepted another poem...YiPPIE!! Only problem is, i forgot what I wrote...but, the title is "Lick"
Scary, eh? It comes out in September, so, we shall see if i have to blush and hide, or if it is a more metaphoric "lick"...
God must get dizzy, as i sweep between the earthly and celestrial...or, at the very least, shake His head., at his child...
Back to work...later...

Monday Night...And so.~~
J. has decided not to move with me to Maryland. He will come for the trip, to see me there..and then, go back, and live in the hovel he will call home, on his own. Now, that was unfair, and cruel. It isn't a hovel...it is...just not, ...a home that has his mother in it. It will be good for his selfish little heart, i hope. I pinned so much on this move to straighen him out, to school him, to give him a fresh start. And the little twirp goes and decides to strike out on his own, and pursue his dream.
Well, i for one know he is ill eqiupped for the journey. This is the kid that went camping two months ago without a toothbrush, or even a blanket. My God, how will he survive?
Survive he will, or, come home to me, with a greater appreciation of what is given to him, what needs to be earned, and what just is.
Let go, Lisa. You started this ball rolling...let it roll. T. just told me that until the divorce is absoleutely final for K., she can't move in. He has already got a new roommate to cover the costs...while the two of them wait it out.
Let it roll, Lisa, let it roll.
I still see the destiny here, the Grand Plan. I am just gritting my teeth, all the harder. Later.

Monday Night....Goodbye Eyes
I am home, and i see everything with Goodbye Eyes. Goodbye eyes...a sheen of tears, and a pull of heart...all is coloured with this peculiar tint...The giant Chicken, along highway 15, on my way home from Canada...advertising "farmfresh Eggs, Buy them Here!" The stretches of farmland, raped and spreadlegged, proclaiming possession with names like "DeerRun" and Countrywide Estates"...The fake storefronts, eluding to an earlier time, with porches, and odd shaped windows, to seduce us with trust, while their billion dollar owners live elsewhere, in luxury, laughing at us overeager, dim whitted, American comsumers...
And my goodbye eyes march forward...till i see my white picket fence, the grass a bit too long, and my boys walk out to meet me..
I almost didn't come home. I almost stayed in Canada, with Rikk"s mom and dad., and his son, and him. They are a family, and they love me. They saw me in the morning, fuzzy haired and naked faced, and loved me. Clue,here..that's all i ever wanted...a family, mom and dad, and kids, and cousins and brothers and sisters...In a terrible way, if it doesnt work out for Rikk and i , i will mourn them more.
I love his eyes, and the way he solidly is my friend and lover..and I am wishful, fearful, because i emote more then he does.....I am fearful because the core of me is used to being alone...and, as much as i love him, i will do fine without him...And, the dollop on that funeral cake is...He is so talented, so special, that, he can do without me. It is a cosmic crap shoot...what will be, will be.
All i know is my destiny is pulling me forward..and, as i faltered through the emotional pull to stay in canada, a redbird sang on the telephone wire, willing me to my path...and as i drove the lonely miles on the empty 402 West., another one dive bombed my car...swirling red telling me to keep on....and, so i will...Later.
s

Saturday Evening~~
Ah, broken promise, to write everyday, if there was a computer available..I am in Canada right now, saying bye to Rikk...Too much really to think about, to write...but, i will when i get back..most likely tomorrow.....Later...

Thursday night~~
When i die, i want them to dress me in black stockings and high heels. I love my legs, even though i had nothing to do with their shape, or length, or curvature. I love them most in a shimmer of black silk, with just a hint of pink skin, winking through. I look down at them, and i see taut muscles, and exploratory curves, ready to walk for miles, and grasp tightly at what is there.
When will i wear black stockings again? This was absoleutely, positively, my last day in sales. It's overalls and tshirts for me, from this day forward....
Hmmnnn...i don"t believe that, do you? wink, wink....
Back to packing....my new life awaits me....later.

Thurday Morning~~
Five hours sleep is just not enough anymore..Woken by J., fighting with his girlfriend sometime after 12AM..Everyone's emotions are running high right now, and i just want to muzzle the lot of them. I sat out in the dark on the front porch swing, listening to the crickets and cicadas, mourning the loss of harmony,AND the loss of sleep.
I am not going to dinner tonight with my old friend..He is my ex-husbands best friend, i don't like the feeling i get in my stomach about his motives. If it is purely to say goodbye, as he says, well, he can come over the house and say goodbye as i pack..i have no time now for superficiality or games. My ex? He has some terrible bridges to rebuild with his children..It took me years to stop taking care of him, stop protecting him, all the while being a "good little wife". If he wants to see them, he can damn well figure out how to do it himself. If they want to see Him, they can damn well figure how to see him, too. I am out of it.
J. told me in the middle of the night that he wants to stay here and pursue his music. He can live with one of the bandmember's and his mom. (This was the Plan 2 i secretly worked out in july with the mom)He says he will finish his education, get a job he can walk to, and save money for his own car. He says that his band is his dream, and he has to follow that dream. He is 18 now...i can't drag him by his hair to maryland. I am moving his furniture anyway. He asked for his bed, but I said no. He can have the old queen set in the garage, and i will get him a new mattress pad. He has to make his own bed, now.
Things change from day to day anyway. He wants to make the trip to maryland, stay a month, and then return to michigan. Perhaps he will fall in love with the beach, and Ocean City, mecca for young people and music.
If i have learned anything, i have finally learned that now matter how you much you love, protect, and sacrifice, you can't make those you love follow any path but their own. Sigh. Later.

Wednesday, 11pm~~
What a full and glorious day!! This mermaid can hardly keep her head about the waves right now, though. Could it be possible that in 8 days i will be loading the truck, and on my way???
I am NOT ready, nope, not ready at all. I have decided to go from organized, master list and lettered boxes to full fledged panic mode....everything that can go in a box is GOING in...full speed ahead, just get it done......
Why oh why did i say i would work tomorrow? It's going to be a looong day, and i have been invited to dinner by an old friend after work..
I am getting tired just thinking about it all....Ah tomorrow, tomorrow...Thank God for another day....Later..

Tuesday Morning~~
Ok, the procastination stops today. I am finally going to have the damn garage sale. Where did i GET all this stuff? I know i am going to be a pushover, too. Fifty cents? IT'S YOURS!!!
Lots of laundry to do, too, and banking...Got up in the attic last night, and was startled by the 6 Foot Glow in the Dark Skeleton, that one of my sweet boys hung in the rafters...got lost in the box of their first teddybears and toys.I like attics..somehow, they seem much more benevolent, kinder, then basements.
I am glad i didn't get all dramatic leaving work...My ex-boss called yesterday, sweet as sugur, and asked if I would fill on on thursday...ARRRRGHHHH!!!And i thought it was all over..Oh, well ..it will be gas money for the trip to maryland.
I am boring myself this morning, and that's not a good sign, half my mind on writing, half in how-am-i-gonna-do-it-all mode...So, adios for now, time to tackle those chores...

Monday~~
I have to blog in parts today, because so much is happening....J. got a phone call, a record producer wants to meet with his band. He says he doesn't want to move, he needs to be with them, because this could be IT. I say, SCREW the record producer, because he is probably a pediophile(is that the right spelling?)I think it is his last ditch effort to stay in michigan, with all that's familiar...
It's okay, though, because i have become quite adept at surfing the J. waves, and, if it is with my last breath, i WILL direct him to the right path. After i have exhausted all my ingenuity, my strength, my force, THEN i will let him go. Sounds horrible, eh? Like an overprotective, blinkered eyed momma.....Guess i am, but, who is to say how many foolish children have been saved by their momma's devotion?
Later...

Monday~
It is 6:30 pm, and i have been up since five am. As i started to write, a redbird trilled,"pretty, pretty, pretty"...and i looked out the window, thankful he was there...I ran outside, to see his face, to connect with Mom, because the redbird is her sign to me, that she is there. No redbird to be seen, not even the song....and i took it as a sign that i am on the right path, but, not to expect my hand to be held.
I couldn't even find a bobby pin, and braided my hair, tucked it, and wrapped it in a red bandanna. Into the garage, spider heaven, ....I am so scared of spiders.
K. helped me, and today, i know what it is like to have a daughter. I am blessed., because i always wanted one, badly, yet, instead, i got rough and tumble, testosterone filled, wildly glorious boys. They are good for so much, but, they are not the ones that will stop, when you come across Blue Bunny, T.'s first toy,and weep. They are not the ones to shoulder the white enanamel headboard, with the little flowers, and wait, while you stroke it...remembering a love that died. They are not the ones to help, when you look around helplessly, and finally say" I don't know what to do next". K., please God, will be in my life forever, because i know she loves my son. If that love changes, i will always hold her in special esteem, because she is a special lady unto herself.
The basement is now mostly packed, and the garage, too. The house is beyond tornado now, it is a Class Five Hurricane. But, Each box is numbered, and i have a master list of each. Not bad for a weepy mermaid, who would rather swim. later.

Sunday Night~~
It is over. I no longer work for M***and M***. No more dealing with a jaundiced public, waiting to be burned. No more "public face" at least, for a month or so, till i am forced back into the working world.
My hair is so heavy, so hot against my neck. I have the urge to grab a scissor, and cut...Cut it all, satisfiying snip by snip, until i am left with shitsu like tufts..flying around my ears, startling my vision., but, i am too smart to do that.
Last time i did it, i was mad at my ex husband....he loved my hair, and used to glory in it. When he left, i stood in front of the mirror, and, in a self castigating moment, when my success as a wife had been proven barren, i took the scissors, and cut. Cut it all., over a foot of heavy female glory, gone, each snip, a F*U*. The next morning, i felt lighter, brighter, like a new person...but, i secretly mourning my hair. Cutting it was more then cutting HIM out, it was a signal to all that approached....STAY AWAY! I am not interested, I have cut away that female mating signal i used to hold so dear...
Superficial? You might say that...especially if you didn't hold long hair in special regard, like i do. To me, my hair says" I am yielding, i am soft, i am sensual, no matter how tough i seem".
The urge to cut now....it is about letting go, about fear,about changing the external to prove the internal. I am not buying it, this time. I will braid it, bind it, get it off my neck, for this critical cutting time tonight.
Tomorrow, in the shower, i will revel in it's length, in its happy exuberance, and kiss the steamy mirror, ready for another day.
Medicine cabinet done, my closet too, and all my shoes in a tidy little shoe bag.
More done every day, even though it seems endless....
If i could find a pool, i would jump in. I need the water..i need it's cool weightlessness, it's soothing enveloping. I need to exercise my arms, my legs, and float, looking at the stars. One more bath, with honey cream, will have to do..Later.

Saturday Night~~
This is so odd. I am alone. Really, really alone. There is no J, beating his wings against my heart. There is no T.,solid, loving, in my presence. No Rikk, in his overalls, watching tv, with a faraway look in his eye, creating...And no me, overseeing them all, punting and posturing and nurturing..
I am alone. How odd. My whole life has been filled with people. I like it,this freedom..and yet, i keep touching myself, looking for bullet holes, because, i am sure i have been shot thru the heart, and i just don't know it.
I packed up the rest of Rikk's clothes...i don't even think he remembers them. I will bring them to Canada for my last trip to see him, along with his camping gear and his sound system, and tools i have found, as i packed.He called last night, just to connect the tenuous dots to our heart.
The house is a whirlwind, and though i keep working, it doesn't look any better...
Am i doing the right thing? What balls did i grow, to move to a new state, new life, with no job, no money, just a dream?
Faith. Plain old ordinary, run of the mill, i won't get hit when i cross the road, faith. Scared doesn't count. Lonely doesn't count. I am just going to keep on looking toward the future, staring the "aloneness" in the eye...and go for it.I am crying, and so be it.I can crawl into my bed, and tuck myself in, and still, go for it.
Later.

Saturday Morning~~
Writing fast, disaster strikes!! I burnt the potroast last night,so involved with Sammmy, and her mom, (yes, i burnt dinner for the owner of the gourmet restaurant,sigh)that i totally forgot about it, and it was spectacularly charred and dry. I even tried to bring it back with a little apple juice, but, nothing could fix it. We laughed, cut away the burnt parts, and ate it anyway. At least the mashed potatoes, green beans from the garden, and fried green tomatoes were good.
Then just a bit ago, all ready to go but for my black skirt, THE IRON DIED. So many things have broken here in the last month, i just can't understand it. Nothing else to wear, and i had to wear stockings with garters because i ran my last pair of pantyhose. sigh. So, i am wearing an indian skirt, MADE to look crinkled, and off i go til later......What a day!

Friday Morning~~
I woke at 5am, with J. shaking my shoulder. Something in his eye, and he had tried unsuccessfully to get it out. Coconut hair? (coconut has fine, long, white fur). I don't wake up well..i need an hour of aloneness and coffee to be human. But, up i got, and filled my little squeese bottle for decorating chocolates with warm water, and flushed and flushed his reddened eye. Still hurt...so, i did a healing for him.
This healing ability is a God gift, i think. I breathe deep, go far inside, and ask to be a conduit for healing. I don't do it often, i don't tell many people about it. I don't know if i really heal, but i know i have taken pain away from those that i love. Occasionally i am brought to a stranger that needs help,and i always give it, though i wrestle with my fear of looking foolish, or like a new age goofball.
It is something that i want to develop more when i get to maryland; i know my walks alone on the beach will be a joyful communion time with God.
In just a few minutes, i am going to pick up little Sammy. She is the 11 year old daughter of the owners of the gourmet restaurant that i worked at, in my brief breakaway from the mattress store. She is berefit that i am leaving, and her mother is worried about her. We have had a special bond for two years now..she is a brilliant, sensitive little girl, a true destiny child. We became friends when she had to give up her little black kitten, (link kitty). I took him in, and when i went to pick him up, i brought her a little journal so that we could be co-mothers of Link, and write back and forth about him. She is begging for Link back now...but, i can't do that to the boys, they are bonded. Coconut is my baby, so loving and placid and gentle, unlike the fierce Link. I am thinking of giving him to Sammy, so she has a special friend here in michigan..coconut would keep a concrete connection for her...but, can i let him go? I will know the right thing to do, when the moment comes...
Once again, the garage sale is postponed...I would rather be with Sammy, and make her favorite Cranberry Potroast, and the hell with the garage sale today....Later.

Thursday afternoon~~
I hate moving. It's a horrible process. I am sure "Bad Mother's "entrance to Hell looks like a teenage son's room. I have found spiders, dust, dirt, and i must be a REALLY bad housekeeper, to sneeze and sneeze the way i am.
Now my references to the house looking like a tornado are just a joke; I am grimly piling boxes in the dining room, and i feel claustrophobic and jittery.
I don't want to do the garage sale, either....but, it will be gas money on the way down.
J.s room is done.....i cornered him like a rat, and made him choose what to take and what to donate and what to trash. In the midst of that, T. is going on the annual canoe/camping trip up north...and for the first time, didn't want Mom's help. He scowled and snorted and managed to get himself together, then apologised for his surly behavior, and off he went.
Me, kneedeep in Bad Mother's hell, got a phone call....The gastank on his Jimmy was leaking....We rescued him, transferred his stuff to his buddy's car, and back to packing i went.
Tomorrow afternoon, J and T.'s girlfriend will go up to the campsite...and i will be BLISSFULLY alone....I don't know if i can stand it.!!!! There will definately be some naked dancing to Barry White, or, at the very least, more boxes packed in peace, and a pizza. Later.

t

Thursday Morning~~
The darkness has slipped away, once more. I have packed so much to do into this one day that i am astounded, even with my customary wild optimism. Woke up wide eyed, ready to leap out of bed...made the coffee so fast that somehow the grinds are mixed in, and i am drinking it anyway.
Today is the day Daddy died..He will always be "daddy", not father, not pop, not dad. I remember the moment i found out so clearly, so acutely, that it is forever captured under glass, almost 40 years later. As i type this, i stop, and rock back and forth, holding myself. Love never dies, though people do. I still feel your scratchy cheek against my babysmooth one, daddy. I hear your laugh, and snuggle up in your arms as you read your paper. Your love for me has been a saving grace, the beacon, the benchmark, that i have measured men against.You wept the last time i saw you, so weak and drawn in the hospital."who will take care of my little girl? you are the one i worry about..who will protect you?".
It all happens for a reason, daddy, so stop worrying. I walk with my angels, and have learned how to protect myself...these long years...without you...Later.

Wednesday Morning~~
I woke this morning pregnant with dreams, yet they slipped away like cottoncandy on the tongue, when i tried to remember them.
I am feeling as heavy and slow as the sky outside, a disagreeable gray, sullen and lifeless. Can't have that! I countered it by wearing fushchia silk, and a long scarf of every color of the rainbow, and gypsy earrings in ruby and brass.
My last LOOONGGG day at work, the last of the 11 hour shifts. After that, i am laughing, two days off, then just the weekend of work to go!!
I'll make it go by fast, i am moving from work, afterall, and i want all my work tidy and completed. I am glad i gave 2 weeks notice instead of just saying "screw you". I don't like confrontations at all, and, two wrongs don't make a right, as my mother used to say.
Skunk in the backyard, in all his oderous glory! It isn't mingling well with my coffee or opium perfume....Just hope it wasn't one of my kitty's he tangled with....
Off to work i go!! Later...

Tuesday Night~~
My hair...how can someone be sensually intuned to part of themself? The rain pattered against the window, as i sat at my computer...Still in my blazer, hair twisted up with a clip, pen still stabbed haphazardly in it's depth, a chopstick frozen in mid-spear.I ran outside, to close the window...and the rain kissed me...ran down my cheeks, bounced against my skin...
It made me stop, in my whirling dervish, stop..in my concrete driveway, my dancing thoughts...I took out the pen, held it in my teeth, while i loosed the clip...my hair fell, waves upon waves, and the scent of this mornings shower, rose in my nose, centered in my belly..and i stood there, rooted in the earthly delight of scent, tactile expression, and touch.
The pen, even, excited me...cool against my tongue, hard against my teeth...and i felt a low growl build in my belly....
Nowhere to put it, but, here, my blog, my box of me, this second, this minute, this hour, this week...this life. (well, we get the picture, lol)
As i type, my hair still teases me., curling against my shoulder, flirting with my back...
Nothing for a mermaid to do, but SWIM, long, hard strokes, skimming thru the sea, till she can sleep....later.

Monday Night~~
Beauty? was does it mean?
I am one of those women that can make someone catch their breath, or yawn. Beautiful? Yes, i am, i guess, if u love me...because you only see my eyes. You only feel my skin, you only breathe my passion, my laughter, my naughty chase-me thru-the woods- persona.
And, so, what is beauty, universally defined? I think it is physical beauty, first.Then it is the fire, the light, in the eyes. Those that have both...ah, they are the ones the sonnets are written about. And yet, how fleeting a song?
Where are the songs of the mothers, the scientists, the spiritual gurus, the females of substance, that enrich humankind? Are their skins not soft enough???Are their lips not as full? Or do the men, and in some instances, the women, who love them, not seeing with the superficial eyes of media, and peer pressure, resisting what SHOULD be
I say..you are beautiful...if you love. i say..you are beautiful, beyond compare, if you love, and your essence shines out, daring your loved ones to see beyond what is shown them, to their own essence, their keystone, of glorious acceptance.

Sunday, last post for the night~~
Ok. I went to the movie. Just like i like it, in my seat as the first scene unfolds. HUGE popcorn, extra butter, with a coke, comfortably ensconsed on my lap.
Didn't take long to figure out the plot, or my snickers at the hero..in this case, a young, black female., leading a bunch of men. Give me a break, someone, please. What was it, some regulation for equality in heros, so they decided to do it all in one fell swoop? Young, (yup, no age discrimination) black(we would NEVER discriminate based on race) and, for good measure, let's make her FEMALE.
Not that i think a woman couldn't do it. Not that i think a BLACK woman couldn't do it. Not that i think a YOUNG person, who happens to be black and young couldn't do it. I guess what i resent is that it's being shoved down our throat by a bunch of people in a boardroom, trying to be politically correct, and while they cover THAT angle, the movie itself is about as clever a plot as a clod of dirt. (though the graphics weren't bad.)
So, i had the plot and ending in about 5 minutes, but, the popcorn was good, and the company wasn't bad, either. I kept saying to myself" you go girl! look at you! you don't need a guy to go to a movie!"
My assertive high was quickly snuffed out when the movie was over, and the lights went up. OH MY GOD!
As the theater cleared, i realized there was no one in the theater over, at the most, 16. No one in the theater alone, either. No one in the theater that was Old, Female, or ALONE. My euphoria faded quickly, and i lost all courage.
I did a slouching duck walk, trying not to tower above them. I blended myself admirably into one tribe of kids, with stuck up hair, lots of piercings, and way too much flesh for a mom to condone in a cold movie theater.
I made it almost to the outside door, and caught curious stares from my "tribe"and a few mumbled"is that YOUR mom?"...I hit the door running, and beat it out the parking lot before ANY of them.
Experience counts for something, i guess. I can beat a quicker retreat then the best among them..
Next movie alone, will be something more sedate. later.

Sunday, after work~~
I know i make my brother uncomfortable with some of my posts..and, Rikk, too. Sorry guys. This blog is MINE. I am who i am, and, as i weeded through my pictures this morning before work, i kept coming across little poems i wrote, letters that have been written to me...butterflies in the heart of my life. As i looked at them, i realized that desire, commitment, connection, have been cornerstones in my life. Security, that elusive goal, has many times been thrown over my shoulder, as i embraced change, and adventure, and the core belief that there is a better ending to the story of my life.
I have had many teachers, and, i have taught. I will not allow myself to subjugate myself. I am who i am...not who my father, my mother, my lover, my brother, my sisters, my friends, want me to be.
Finally, i am getting comfortable, in a place that i designed. In my own skin.
Cooking dinner now. Then, i think my first movie, ALONE. (Aliens vrs. Predator) Later.

Saturday Night~~
Tonight, i can't help thinking about..BREASTS...I wore a sunshine yellow sleeveless turtleneck today...And my breasts were so...THERE...Each time i glimped myself in a mirror at work, they were the first thing i saw...I kept pulling my jacket over them, but they were so insistant.."I am ROUND, i am RIPE, I beg to be fondled."
It made me crazy. Aren't i too old for this? I guess not.
We women have no control over the shape, the size of our breasts. We cannot have designer nippples, either, unless we pay a whopping price for them, along with the size.
I have the Fox girl figure..long, slender legs, big bust.I struggle constantly with becoming a dumpling, my belly swells, my hips broaden.Yet, i am ALWAYS me, hips or no..Why do people obsess so much about their shape? We all look good in the dark, with a loving partner. It is such a crock, to be obsessed with it. If you are a man, do you love your woman any less because her breasts are small? I think not. You might dream of large, silky breasts in your hands or mouth, but, truly, does it matter when it comes down to it?
Isn't it more important to love her warmth next to you, in the middle of the night? The way she makes your doctors appointments, and raising an eyebrow at your diet? The walks, after dinner, talking about kids or work or whatever it is that is on your mind? The bills, the dreams, the garden next year?
Back to breasts....They are so wonderful, i know. A place so primordal, so tasty, they write poems and songs and fight wars about them(I THINK wars have been fought about them). I always wanted small breasts. Little tshirts, boldly saying "HEY! i don't sag, i don't dip, my nipples don't shine like headlights"
That was my nickname when i was a bartender, so many years ago. "Headlights"...(SORRY GEORGE) In case you don't know, George is my brother..he HATES when i write anything sexual....
And my finale on breasts? Gotta love them....they mean so much to so many...Back to my packing....later.

Friday Morning~~
Lots of dreams last night, and woke up achy and tired..I am zipping along now, coffee-fueled, and just got another bunch of boxes. The house looks like a tornado hit it, but, the computer room is just about packed.Gone are the books, the map of the United States, the mermaid pictures.Same with the antique typewriter and phone, and the old typeset drawer that i kept tiny animals displayed.
I feel sad, and happy. I don't like change, and i welcome change. I want to go;I don't want to go.
I keep putting off the garage sale...i think i will just play it by ear, and keep packing...Later....

Thursday Morning~~
I woke up at 7am, little oj snuggled up against my hair. It was great quilt weather,in the white down comforter that Rikk bought me so i could sleep "in a cloud"
By 7:45 i was at Meijer's, with the old sparkplug from the lawnmower in my hand. (Wrapped in a coffee filter,haha). A few days ago, i wasn't even sure what a sparkplug looked like. I bought a new one, carefully matching up the numbers. Bought oil that thankfully said LAWNMOWER OIL,(Must have been Mr. Phillips cousin), and a new oil filter. Then i went home, and assembled my tools. A butter knife, a Phillips head screwdriver(just in case) a well, i am not sure of the name, i just took whatever i could find. Coffee in hand, in my happy pants, i knelt by the lawnmower. Sparkplug...hmmnn. that was easy. Air filter...hmmnn..that one was harder. Couldn't quite fiqure out how to put it back together, thank God for the picture on the back of the package. Oil...figured it was like a car...down a half quart...dumped some in.
Moment of truth...three presses of the little red button..annnnnd. VICTORY!!!!!
I smell like oil and gasoline, and my fingernails are black crescent moons...but...Thanks, God...i didn't know i could fix so much stuff....What ELSE can i do, that i didn't think i could???
The Happy Pants? They are my old chef pants, black background with red hot chili peppers and purple eggplants rioting over my curves...The kids beg me not to wear them, Rikk hates them, but, they make me happy.
NO WAY am i going to let the boys mow the lawn, today. Me and my happy pants are going to swagger across the lawn, smiling.
The tv is too dark...hmmmmmm...maybe that is next? Justin just came in, with a big grin on his face..."MOMMY!" how did u fix the lawnmower?, do u want me to mow?"
Not a chance....Later.

Wednesday Night~~
Neither rain nor sleet nor snow....i promised myself to write each day...And, here i am....The phone line broke, I fixed it...thanks to a good friend(hugs, Pat) and determination....Much more to write, but, so tired now, and the baby kitty is walking all over the keyboard...Later, tomorrow....sweet dreams.

Tuesday Night~~
Good things happen in my kitchens..and each of my kitchens have oddly looked the same. I cannot escape my style, it has shadowed me for years. Always an apron hanging on a hook,a candle on the counter, a teapot or two or ten, on display. Artwork from loved ones on the refigerator, special magnets holding them. Wooden bowl full of onions and garlic and potatoes, that i bought at eighteen, in my first little apartment, from the dusty bottom shelf of an antique store. ( i always get on my knees and explore the bottom shelf..no one else does)
These are the backdrops to my life dramas...It is in kitchens that i have danced with lovers, it is in kitchens that i have gripped a coffee cup and cried, it is in kitchens that i have scrubbed the floor, furiously, as i worked out anger. It is in kitchens that i have kissed the most, from the boo-boo knees of my babies, to languid, heated, i-want-you rendevouz, to happily coupled embraces.
I have sung off key, alone, to Italian operas, wielding my wooden spoon dramaticly,creating feasts, and sadly contemplated empty cupboards, trying to stretch half a box of elbow macaroni and a can of tuna fish.
Most of all, my kitchen is my security blanket. I can surround myself with safety and comfort, anywhere, as long as i can feed someone. I have cooked on campfires and in fancy houses, i have cooked with nothing more then a one burner stove and on the best agas. I am not the best cook...i can't reel off a bechamel sauce by heart, nor can i cook for a crowd without a beating heart..but, i CAN silence a table, with nothing said more then busy forks and spoons, and have people tell me later"would you make that thing again, you know, that one you made with the noodles and green stuff" That makes me happy....that need to fill someone, to fill them to the top, to make them laugh, to serve, to cherish them...faults, foibles, and all...
I guess i am over the top with this post...i mean, people get by with a can of beans...and here i sit, writing about cooking...oh well, i always can fall back on "it's my blog, and i can write what i want to"..kinda like one of my favorite oldies, "it's my party, and i can cry if i want to"...
On a very different note...the special gift i gave J for his birthday? A mandolin.
Grandpa Quintavalle came to america in 1907, at 14, with only his mandolin and his dreams. He played on street corners in Brooklyn to make his way...a self taught musican. His great grandson, J, is the same self taught musican. Grandpa guides him, i know. More, later....PS...this is one post i refuse to preview...let it be written, before i chicken out on the intimacy of it all....later.

Monday Morning~~
I woke at 5am today,with a rustle outside the window.A skunk, nose in the knocked over garbage can. I always pay attention to the animals i see unexpectedly...each have their own wisdom and teaching to impart. From a shamanism website i like:Skunk's wisdom includes reputation, sensuality, self respect, courage, will power, and self confidence.
Just the things i need today, to give notice at work. I hate confrontations, i hate rocking the boat..but, rock it i will, because a new life awaits J. and I.

". . . He set my feet on solid ground and steadies me as I walked along. "

Psalm 40:1-2 NLT
That was the daily bible phrase i just recieved in an email today...Hmmnn, between the skunky visit and the psalm, i guess i don't have to worry about much, today.
It has really hit me that the serious countdown has begun...This time next month, i will be typing from my rose colored bedroom in maryland, looking out to the maple tree in the backyard, with the wind blowing in through the high windows.
It is in maryland that i will start my novel. I am mentally turning over story lines, and titles, as i wash dishes, and sell beds, and pack. This blog has been wonderful for me, a written expression of desire and disapline, concrete evidence that i can write.
Time to pay some bills, have one more coffee, and off to work i go.

Sunday Night!!
OH BOY! I can WRITE! I am no Hemingway, and, truth be told, i am terrified of writing that novel i rhapsidse about:because, i don't think i am good enough. That's not going to stop me, though, because i have moved mountains, insecure or not...
I love food. I love words. They are one and the same, when the creative juices get flowing...You have a plan, and then creativity comes, in a dark, seductive cape, sweeping you off your feet, tongue in your ear, whispering suggestions that you just purr and melt into...and your plan becomes the open road, free, traveling where it wants to, until you just give up, and bite into it's succulence.
I was going to take J. to dinner tonight for his birthday...then i thought to ask him if that was what he wanted(quite the concept, eh?). He didn't want the Olive Garden, or even Outback..he wanted me to cook...Something Italian, yet creamy, something ...hmmnnn....he didn't really know...
So i got home at 5:15, and for the last almost 2 hours, in the kitchen...Fresh peppers, and onions, and garlic...parsley snipped from the yard, and basil from the enamal pot sitting in the old seatless chair...ricotta, so creamy and rich, and chicken, seared in a hot pan, and simmered in rich tomato sauce...
I love words, i love food. Such an adventure, so sensual, a mingling of taste, and texture, and placement...You take what you have, you create...You shop, you choose, you create. And when all is said and done, you sit at the table...you spit it out, or you draw it in, but never, never, is it boring...
That is Life, never boring...if you create. Paint in chalk on the sidewalk, dance to Vivaldi, whisper sweet words to a stranger, just...create...
We are all so afraid, afraid of not being good enough, afraid to shine, because we think others shine brighter...SO WHAT?...In shining our own selves, we become luminous, authentic, and that holds a beauty unto itself.
I think i just gave MYSELF a good talking to...because YOU are never afraid of not being good enough, afraid to shine...are you? Wink, wink....
Birthday Menu
Chicken Cacciatore with Grilled Peppers
Jumbo Stuffed Shells...Cheese Stuffed, with Parsley,Nutmeg and Loccatelli cheese
Steak Stuffed, with Ricotta, Basil, and Garlic
Balsamic Vinegar and Olive Oil Salad, tossed with tomatoes, Cukes, and Spinach from the Garden..Garnished with black olive flowers and chunks of merlot soaked green olives
Pineapple upside down cake for dessert, with fresh whipped creme...
Bon Appetit, J...Happy Birthday
Ps...i hope the steak stuffed shells are good, they are basicly leftovers, lovingly drawn into service..
Remind me, will you, to express the sheer sensuality of stuffing jumbo shells...i could write a treastie on them that could make me blush....
AH! time for dinner....ciao!

Saturday Morning~~
Dressed for success today, royalblue silk blouse, sheer black stockings and skirt,paisley blazer in black,royalblue,and gold. Tamed my curls into elegant swirls,and am ready to sell some beds.
All the while, doing the girly stuff to get ready for work, a hundred lists in my head.Fix the lawnmower, things for the garage sale this thursday, basic cleaning, all my finaces to get in order...so many things, it's going to be quite the challenge to balance them all...AND...today's is J's birthday, too. I bought him something very special for his 18th birthday....i will get into it tonight, when the lawnmower's fixed, when the birthday cake is finished(will i have time for a homemade one this year?)..Oh, lordy...so much to do.
Deb called me at home last night..says that the guys are infighting at work big time..trying to decide who's going to do all my work..bickering and backstabbing each other, jeeeshhh. I am giving my notice on monday, a full two weeks. I have decided that even if the boss says "go now", at least i was true to my own integrity to the bitter end. I will find a way to make up for the lost income,somehow, if he does tell me to go...
Feel like i am writing like eating with chopsticks...fun, but with short, quick stabs and lots of misses....Off to work i go, yippie!!!(with the theme song of Bonanza running thru my head,lol)

Friday Night~~
I am home!! Home to my messy-but-they-tried-to-clean-it house, home to my coconut, my link, my little oj...Home to my shasta daisies and hollyhocks and that wonderful,luscious bed of mine.Home to big hugs from both my boys, eyes that say i love you. And the slice of cold pizza in the fridge wasn't too shabby, either.
I went to canada with fire in my eyes...i didn't know whether i wanted to fight or make love...i just knew i had to see his face,feel his arms wrapped around me, and i would know.
His mum and dad had belated birthday presents for me, and, as always, welcomed me with open arms. I know they don't know what to do with my exuberant hugs and kisses...they just take them, with a goofy look on their face, like someone offered them chocolate ice cream instead of porridge for breakfast.
I wanted to spend the night in a motel..a night with a shower built for two, a night of private passion..but, i couldn't summon the courage to decline his parents insistance that i stay with them...sigh.
We got our timmies coffees, we sat in the park, we kissed, and made up for our SLAM dunk fight. To be honest, i am the fighter...it's hard to fight with someone who just answers everything quietly and logically, and many times, doesn't even know what he has done wrong. It's the perfect approach for dealing with me...it gives my hot-blooded Italian temper time to cool down, because i have to stop and think.
We found a way to be private, but, that's a secret..(smile).
I rode home in peace, renewed, and ready for anything. Time to curl into my bed, to smile my secret smiles, and say prayers of thankfulness for my little escape.
Can't wait to write tomorrow! Later....

Thursday Morning~~
This is not going to be much of a write, today. I am headed to Canada to see Rikk, and will be back tomorrow. It's crazy to go: i have so much to do at home. But, i am going anyway. Just 24 hours of escape.....later.

Wednesday Night~~
I realize that i am a woman of faith. I know it; it is at least 12 minutes since i wrote that last sentence. It is wednesday night, my alamo, my waterloo, as i come home finally after my three 11 hour days in a row.It is when my house is at the epitome of messy-ness.., it is when my spirit is lowest, and it is when i most long for the quiet and privacy and time to write.It is the time when the boys press hardest, wanting food, food for body and food for soul and food for mind.
And, by the way, i am having a SLAM dunk, all holds barred, fight with rikk, courtesy of MSN. later.

Tuesday Night!!
I have done something so wild, so hopeful, so insanely projecting towards success, that i am ready to rip off my clothes and dance wildly naked around my dark, green yard. (HAHA...not really gonna do it)
I can't say what it is yet, because people that know me and read my blog are in for a surprise...
I will say this, though...I hope anyone that reads this, reads my sorrows, reads my joys...realizes the single thread that i have discovered that runs thru my writing...a thread that i didn't even know i was weaving...was,that each day is a song, orchestrated by God. We don't have to play our instruments professionally, just show up for practice. So, don't fret, at least not as a permanent way of life, because miracles happen, and the song plays sweetly, more often then not...later...

Monday Night~~
I just had the most incredible meal.My tastebuds are still dancing, and i keep going mmmnnn...If i had planned it, i wouldn't have...Bratwurst cooked in beer, then broiled...Fresh tomatos sprinkled with coarse salt,greek myzitha cheese, olives...
I made a plate of the sliced sausage, tomatoes and cheese, and ate with my fingers...It was so sensually delightful...the sharp cheese, the soft bite of tomato, the crunch of the brat...mnnnnn...All low carb, too! LOL.
All quiet on the homefront...Work was pretty rotten, another crazy customer...This time i didn't say a word, i am shuttling it right up the ladder...sigh...
I would have loved to leave on a very high note...but, the customer base has been very low end, the problems continue, and, the boss, from the gossip that's flying, is looking for vindictive ways to make my last days miserable.
I just have to adapt a "SO WHAT" attitude, get thru it, and move on. I have done my time selling mattresses, it's time for a new adventure. See you tomorrow...sweet dreams....

Monday Morning~~
Another lovely day out. I have to say one thing about Michigan, as intense as the winters are, so is the beauty of summer here. Everything screams with life,and the restraint of winter morphs wildly into verdant green.
I have experienced my first uncomfortable feelings about blogging. Anonymous's comments (see july 25th post)left me unsettled. I won't censor my words or anyone elses if they chose to comment here, it's a public blog. I will say this, though, it takes a certain amount of authenticity to write a blog about your personal life. I give Blap, Amadeus, Kari, and yes, myself, kudos for that.Perhaps my discomfort is that i don't know anything about anonymous(obviously), i can't read HER blog to gain insight or give her comments credibility. Is she a shrink? or a social worker? Whatever she is, she puts alot of time and thoughtfulness in her replies, and i honor that.
Time for work....long day, today...home after nine pm....
Later...

Sunday Morning~~
Glorious morning out...brilliant skies, like sapphires and emeralds in the palm of the sky. Mozart on the cd player, and peace in my heart. I think i walked with angels in my sleep last night; I awoke feeling like i had been taken on a journey,whispered instructions, and deposited gently back to my bed. "Feel" is the operative word...for surely such things don't exist..or do they?
When i was traveling, that year i was 22, I was alone on a rooftop in Marrekech. The hotel was called the CTM, and you walked up a narrow stairwell to the roof. It was dark, and i wanted to see the stars in the city called "gateway to the desert".
I laid down on a wooden beam, and looked up at the luminous display above me.The city noises faded, and it was just me and the sky. I lost my perspective of the distance between myself and the stars, indeed i felt like i was getting closer to them.The reality shift scared me, and i saw myself above the girl on the beam, and with a heartthumping bump,i slammed back down into her.
Did i fall asleep and dream it? I don't know...but the experience left me forever wondering where i travel when i sleep..
Ten essential boxes of books packed. My books, my photos, my bed, my pots and pans, i realize that i don't need much to make a home. Flowers on the table look just as wonderful in a mason jar then in crystal..It's all just "stuff", not who we are.
The beach is calling me louder now. Before it was just a whisper, just a tease. The waves are getting more intense, i can hear them crashing on the shore. I feel like a horse in the gate, waiting for the GO!
Oh, boy...forgot what time it was!! Shower, work, later...