Sunday Night~~
It is over. I no longer work for M***and M***. No more dealing with a jaundiced public, waiting to be burned. No more "public face" at least, for a month or so, till i am forced back into the working world.
My hair is so heavy, so hot against my neck. I have the urge to grab a scissor, and cut...Cut it all, satisfiying snip by snip, until i am left with shitsu like tufts..flying around my ears, startling my vision., but, i am too smart to do that.
Last time i did it, i was mad at my ex husband....he loved my hair, and used to glory in it. When he left, i stood in front of the mirror, and, in a self castigating moment, when my success as a wife had been proven barren, i took the scissors, and cut. Cut it all., over a foot of heavy female glory, gone, each snip, a F*U*. The next morning, i felt lighter, brighter, like a new person...but, i secretly mourning my hair. Cutting it was more then cutting HIM out, it was a signal to all that approached....STAY AWAY! I am not interested, I have cut away that female mating signal i used to hold so dear...
Superficial? You might say that...especially if you didn't hold long hair in special regard, like i do. To me, my hair says" I am yielding, i am soft, i am sensual, no matter how tough i seem".
The urge to cut now....it is about letting go, about fear,about changing the external to prove the internal. I am not buying it, this time. I will braid it, bind it, get it off my neck, for this critical cutting time tonight.
Tomorrow, in the shower, i will revel in it's length, in its happy exuberance, and kiss the steamy mirror, ready for another day.
Medicine cabinet done, my closet too, and all my shoes in a tidy little shoe bag.
More done every day, even though it seems endless....
If i could find a pool, i would jump in. I need the water..i need it's cool weightlessness, it's soothing enveloping. I need to exercise my arms, my legs, and float, looking at the stars. One more bath, with honey cream, will have to do..Later.