Saturday Night~~
This is so odd. I am alone. Really, really alone. There is no J, beating his wings against my heart. There is no T.,solid, loving, in my presence. No Rikk, in his overalls, watching tv, with a faraway look in his eye, creating...And no me, overseeing them all, punting and posturing and nurturing..
I am alone. How odd. My whole life has been filled with people. I like it,this freedom..and yet, i keep touching myself, looking for bullet holes, because, i am sure i have been shot thru the heart, and i just don't know it.
I packed up the rest of Rikk's clothes...i don't even think he remembers them. I will bring them to Canada for my last trip to see him, along with his camping gear and his sound system, and tools i have found, as i packed.He called last night, just to connect the tenuous dots to our heart.
The house is a whirlwind, and though i keep working, it doesn't look any better...
Am i doing the right thing? What balls did i grow, to move to a new state, new life, with no job, no money, just a dream?
Faith. Plain old ordinary, run of the mill, i won't get hit when i cross the road, faith. Scared doesn't count. Lonely doesn't count. I am just going to keep on looking toward the future, staring the "aloneness" in the eye...and go for it.I am crying, and so be it.I can crawl into my bed, and tuck myself in, and still, go for it.
Later.