Thursday Night~~
I have not heard from the Great Kahuna, the bestower of jobs...Somehow i am translating this silence as a edictment of my life...No one loves me, no one appreciates me, no one will be there for me, in the middle of the night.
I know that isn't true.. i know i am loved. But am i loved exclusively,? I think not. I am sad, to sleep alone. I am sad, to go to the grocery store, alone. I am saving myself for R...but...am i deluding myself? I am so low, i wonder, what on earth am i doing? Does he send me sweet notes, or whisper in my ear? Nope. He isn't romantic, i know that....but...if you love a woman, isn't there a way to let her know?
Maybe he just doesn't care. Maybe all any man has ever wanted from me was my...well, let's call it my "lust for life"...
So be it. I will just grow my hair down to my bum, and, once again, for the record, "screw them all". I don't need a mate, i just long for one. I don't need a partner, i just long for one. As my family has always told me..."Lisa, you do much better on your own". Great. just great.
I will be a long haired old lady, cranky, with cats, and a red hat. At least, i will be able to say "screw it!" with authority and regularity. Later.
PS. hard to publish this one...wet eyes, like lazers, cutting thru the maybe's.
Thursday, September 30, 2004
Thursday Morning~~
Has it been three days without writing? That's scary..I must be drifting along,or is it floundering along??Where is my promise to write everyday? It must have something to do with the people in my life who have asked me not to write about my locale(afraid the masses will descend on this bit of paradise)and those that are afraid of what intimacies i might reveal. Well, screw it. This is my blog, and i'll write if i want to. (hummed to the tune of "this is my party, and i'll cry if i want to").
ANYWAY....this blog entry is dedicated to my faithful PJ.......
What HAS been going on these last three days??I have been volunteering at the local Senior Citizen Center. I have always had a fascination with the elderly...Beating the odds in surviving at all, wondering what knowledge they hold by sheer experience alone, wondering if age does indeed bring wisdom...Other that that, i just plain find them beautiful. Gnarled hands become graceful in my eyes, wrinkles become exclamation points in facial expressions. I pretend they are my parents, and i honor them.
What do i do there? I listen, and hold hands, and give hugs. I talk like the racy young thing i am, and get lots of laughs and winks in return. I walk them to the bathroom, and lean against the sink, chatting, to cover the embarrassment they feel at being led there, like a child. I can FEEL their emotions, because they don't always speak. I find that a wonderous thing, to FEEL them, and know what to do, and what to say. I wish my parents were alive, so i could care for them, and cherish them, and so, i do the next best thing...i get myself adopted, by the parents at the Center.
And now for the best part...Kismet,karma, coincidence? Sunday afternoon my aunt P.and i were going to the market for milk, and saw a garage sale. STOP!!she said, and stop i did...Somehow, the lady and i started talking, and she mentioned she was the director of the Senior Citizen center.. I asked if they could use volunteers, as i was new in town, and didn't have a job yet. You guessed it....She took me under her wing, explaining that she was moving out of state, and had been praying for a compassionate replacement for her position. To get PAID to take care of the elderly?YIPPIE!!!!!!!!
I dropped off my application to the big Kahuna in a nearby town yesterday, with a special endorsement by the director.(amazing what can happen, eh?).I don't know if i will get it, but i do know that i WANT it. I am nervous, but...not too nervous. Like most of the important happenings in my life, I realize it's in God's hands, not mine, and just let go....Later...
Has it been three days without writing? That's scary..I must be drifting along,or is it floundering along??Where is my promise to write everyday? It must have something to do with the people in my life who have asked me not to write about my locale(afraid the masses will descend on this bit of paradise)and those that are afraid of what intimacies i might reveal. Well, screw it. This is my blog, and i'll write if i want to. (hummed to the tune of "this is my party, and i'll cry if i want to").
ANYWAY....this blog entry is dedicated to my faithful PJ.......
What HAS been going on these last three days??I have been volunteering at the local Senior Citizen Center. I have always had a fascination with the elderly...Beating the odds in surviving at all, wondering what knowledge they hold by sheer experience alone, wondering if age does indeed bring wisdom...Other that that, i just plain find them beautiful. Gnarled hands become graceful in my eyes, wrinkles become exclamation points in facial expressions. I pretend they are my parents, and i honor them.
What do i do there? I listen, and hold hands, and give hugs. I talk like the racy young thing i am, and get lots of laughs and winks in return. I walk them to the bathroom, and lean against the sink, chatting, to cover the embarrassment they feel at being led there, like a child. I can FEEL their emotions, because they don't always speak. I find that a wonderous thing, to FEEL them, and know what to do, and what to say. I wish my parents were alive, so i could care for them, and cherish them, and so, i do the next best thing...i get myself adopted, by the parents at the Center.
And now for the best part...Kismet,karma, coincidence? Sunday afternoon my aunt P.and i were going to the market for milk, and saw a garage sale. STOP!!she said, and stop i did...Somehow, the lady and i started talking, and she mentioned she was the director of the Senior Citizen center.. I asked if they could use volunteers, as i was new in town, and didn't have a job yet. You guessed it....She took me under her wing, explaining that she was moving out of state, and had been praying for a compassionate replacement for her position. To get PAID to take care of the elderly?YIPPIE!!!!!!!!
I dropped off my application to the big Kahuna in a nearby town yesterday, with a special endorsement by the director.(amazing what can happen, eh?).I don't know if i will get it, but i do know that i WANT it. I am nervous, but...not too nervous. Like most of the important happenings in my life, I realize it's in God's hands, not mine, and just let go....Later...
Sunday, September 26, 2004
Sunday Night~~
The house is zen quiet, again. The toys are stored away, the kitchen floor swept and mopped. What a wonderful weekend!! Where to begin? I will begin with the crabfeast on Saturday night...My cousin K went to the Crabs-to-Go takeout (No,i am not kidding)..She and my sister came back lugging a bushel basket FILLED with hot, steamed, spicy crabs...I made corn on the cob...To do a proper maryland crabfeast, first you put newspaper on the table, give everyone a wooden hammer, picks, and beer, (I drank Lemonaid, with a kick)..and then eat your way into exctasy....
Cousin K showed us her method, as a veteran crabaholic, to get to the white, sweet lumpmeat,but, it soon became apparent that everyone develops their own style...
I was in a world of my own, trying not to moan, because to eat a crab was damn near orgasmic for me...Each leg, sucked to taste the spice they cook it in...the little phallic tail you lift up to open the crab; the play of fingers and tongue to ferret out each sweet bite......mnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn...I kept my eyes down most of the time, so noone would notice the gleam in my mermaid eye....
And today....making cookies with the girls, giving each of them my favorite angels, one a music snowball, one a fairy angel, to take home....the looks on their faces, as they held out their hands with closed eyes...
Pouring coffee for R, to take home to jersey, our sunday night tradition, with homemade cookies...Planting with J, making our home prettier and prettier...
Sitting on the porchswing, legs tucked, smiling to myself about the joys of family, and food, and love...ahhhhh....sometimes life is so good, sometimes problems can take a backseat, and joy is yours....Later.
The house is zen quiet, again. The toys are stored away, the kitchen floor swept and mopped. What a wonderful weekend!! Where to begin? I will begin with the crabfeast on Saturday night...My cousin K went to the Crabs-to-Go takeout (No,i am not kidding)..She and my sister came back lugging a bushel basket FILLED with hot, steamed, spicy crabs...I made corn on the cob...To do a proper maryland crabfeast, first you put newspaper on the table, give everyone a wooden hammer, picks, and beer, (I drank Lemonaid, with a kick)..and then eat your way into exctasy....
Cousin K showed us her method, as a veteran crabaholic, to get to the white, sweet lumpmeat,but, it soon became apparent that everyone develops their own style...
I was in a world of my own, trying not to moan, because to eat a crab was damn near orgasmic for me...Each leg, sucked to taste the spice they cook it in...the little phallic tail you lift up to open the crab; the play of fingers and tongue to ferret out each sweet bite......mnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn...I kept my eyes down most of the time, so noone would notice the gleam in my mermaid eye....
And today....making cookies with the girls, giving each of them my favorite angels, one a music snowball, one a fairy angel, to take home....the looks on their faces, as they held out their hands with closed eyes...
Pouring coffee for R, to take home to jersey, our sunday night tradition, with homemade cookies...Planting with J, making our home prettier and prettier...
Sitting on the porchswing, legs tucked, smiling to myself about the joys of family, and food, and love...ahhhhh....sometimes life is so good, sometimes problems can take a backseat, and joy is yours....Later.
Saturday, September 25, 2004
Saturday Morning~~
We danced in the kitchen, we kissed for no reason...and that is my family in a nutshell. Confusion, chaos, hugs and kisses...The first bottle of wine opened, the food laid out, just for a quick nibble..Sweet Sarah and Abby, and baby Jack..The house bearing mega decibels of sound, as the kids ran and laughed and played..My flute was discovered; i became a magical genie as i made it sing ( and i can't even play yet)My room became the pink princess room, with it's high white bed and embroidered coverlet, and, the COMPUTER..which every kid is savvy on these days. We walked downtown, where there was a Fiddler's Convention, and i tried Sarahs cool scooter, and held hands with Aunt Patti, and ate crabcakes from a fastfood truck,while listening to bluegrass. (Going back for more music tonight). Pam at the art gallery in town invited me in for a glass of wine, and it felt good to actually KNOW someone...
Back to the house, and J and R were home from upnorth....More hugs, more chaos, more kisses, more FOOD...And then the serious dancing in the kitchen, the winestems circled with little charms to keep track of whose was whose...(mine was a seahorse).
Candles lit, and...fresh mozzarella with sliced tomatos from the local farm, marinated button mushrooms and orzo salad, Sliced meats and cheeses from the speciality shop in long island..My eggplant capanata and chicken liver and fish dip;sesame topped italian bread from NY, MyGodinHeaven, did we eat..........Getting another cup of coffee...because there's more....Later
We danced in the kitchen, we kissed for no reason...and that is my family in a nutshell. Confusion, chaos, hugs and kisses...The first bottle of wine opened, the food laid out, just for a quick nibble..Sweet Sarah and Abby, and baby Jack..The house bearing mega decibels of sound, as the kids ran and laughed and played..My flute was discovered; i became a magical genie as i made it sing ( and i can't even play yet)My room became the pink princess room, with it's high white bed and embroidered coverlet, and, the COMPUTER..which every kid is savvy on these days. We walked downtown, where there was a Fiddler's Convention, and i tried Sarahs cool scooter, and held hands with Aunt Patti, and ate crabcakes from a fastfood truck,while listening to bluegrass. (Going back for more music tonight). Pam at the art gallery in town invited me in for a glass of wine, and it felt good to actually KNOW someone...
Back to the house, and J and R were home from upnorth....More hugs, more chaos, more kisses, more FOOD...And then the serious dancing in the kitchen, the winestems circled with little charms to keep track of whose was whose...(mine was a seahorse).
Candles lit, and...fresh mozzarella with sliced tomatos from the local farm, marinated button mushrooms and orzo salad, Sliced meats and cheeses from the speciality shop in long island..My eggplant capanata and chicken liver and fish dip;sesame topped italian bread from NY, MyGodinHeaven, did we eat..........Getting another cup of coffee...because there's more....Later
Friday, September 24, 2004
Friday Morning~~
Okay, last night's Drama Queen theatrics are over..I never did swim well in the pity pool. It only took three restarts on the computer this morning, instead of hours of trying,and i have already had my coffee out on the back deck, looking up at the inky black sky, full of stars.
The big pot of sauce is made, with lots of meatballs. The fish is grilled, and ready to flake into a fishdip. Jewish chopped liver ready to slather on crackers, and
now it's time to make the cookies and pies and cake. The family is coming today!!!
At 7:30 I am walking down to the B&B, the owners have asked me to help out for a few hours...then home for the last minute preparations.
Still not sleeping very well, and needing less sleep, too. I know that they come around and wash the streets here at 4am, and if there is a fire they blow a piercing siren that rattles the walls and makes you want to run for your life.
But i can't deny that i was called here, that there is a reason for everything, and, as has happened so many times before, someday i will look back at this time in my life and say "AHHHH!! so THAT's why that happened".
I am back to my optimistic self, and ready for a new day. Time for a warm, sudsy mermaid shower, and i might even sing alittle while i'm in there....Later.....
Okay, last night's Drama Queen theatrics are over..I never did swim well in the pity pool. It only took three restarts on the computer this morning, instead of hours of trying,and i have already had my coffee out on the back deck, looking up at the inky black sky, full of stars.
The big pot of sauce is made, with lots of meatballs. The fish is grilled, and ready to flake into a fishdip. Jewish chopped liver ready to slather on crackers, and
now it's time to make the cookies and pies and cake. The family is coming today!!!
At 7:30 I am walking down to the B&B, the owners have asked me to help out for a few hours...then home for the last minute preparations.
Still not sleeping very well, and needing less sleep, too. I know that they come around and wash the streets here at 4am, and if there is a fire they blow a piercing siren that rattles the walls and makes you want to run for your life.
But i can't deny that i was called here, that there is a reason for everything, and, as has happened so many times before, someday i will look back at this time in my life and say "AHHHH!! so THAT's why that happened".
I am back to my optimistic self, and ready for a new day. Time for a warm, sudsy mermaid shower, and i might even sing alittle while i'm in there....Later.....
Thursday, September 23, 2004
Thursday Night~~
In my next life, i want to come back as one of my children. Why doesn't J. SEE? I am cooking, he says he wants to learn....so, where IS he? My God, I would like in this lifetime to have someone take care of me...It gets pretty damn tiring, holding the wolves at bay, always on alert. I see women, ugly women, stupid women, mean women, and they have rocks on their fingers and eat bon-bons all day...Where on EARTH did i go wrong??? I know where....3 wealthy men have asked me to be their wife...and i declined each invitation...why? Because i didn't love them....As if that is the criteria for a good life....
JeezeApete..i am bitter tonight....I miss my lover, i miss the taste of his mouth, the curve of his legs, wrapped around me in the middle of the night. I miss my home, with the 100 year old maples in the front yard, and, by now, the hydrangea tree is blossoming wildly in peach. I miss T., and K, and the babies...and the long slope of my street, before i see the picket fence..
I don't have a home anymore. I don't belong anywhere. If it wasn't for J, i think i would just calmly pack my things, and stick out my thumb.
This isn't my world; it's a world of sucessful yuppies and dottering retirees. I am neither. I am just a girlin Walden's Pond, half drowning, determined not to perish...at least not today....Later
In my next life, i want to come back as one of my children. Why doesn't J. SEE? I am cooking, he says he wants to learn....so, where IS he? My God, I would like in this lifetime to have someone take care of me...It gets pretty damn tiring, holding the wolves at bay, always on alert. I see women, ugly women, stupid women, mean women, and they have rocks on their fingers and eat bon-bons all day...Where on EARTH did i go wrong??? I know where....3 wealthy men have asked me to be their wife...and i declined each invitation...why? Because i didn't love them....As if that is the criteria for a good life....
JeezeApete..i am bitter tonight....I miss my lover, i miss the taste of his mouth, the curve of his legs, wrapped around me in the middle of the night. I miss my home, with the 100 year old maples in the front yard, and, by now, the hydrangea tree is blossoming wildly in peach. I miss T., and K, and the babies...and the long slope of my street, before i see the picket fence..
I don't have a home anymore. I don't belong anywhere. If it wasn't for J, i think i would just calmly pack my things, and stick out my thumb.
This isn't my world; it's a world of sucessful yuppies and dottering retirees. I am neither. I am just a girlin Walden's Pond, half drowning, determined not to perish...at least not today....Later
Thursday afternoon~~
Typing fast here, on the cuff, because my computer seems to have the same malady i have....never sure wheither it is coming or going. It took me 4 hours of trying today, and the internet provider, though supremely willing to help me, was as confounded as i. The only way i can connect is to pray, and keep shutting it down until it finally magically works..Amadeus, my computer wizard, wish you were here!
All excited about aunt patti, kelly, and the kids coming. I am cleaning the house like mad, even though it's not dirty. I am going to the store, and doing my best to have welcoming foods. I love them, plain and simple. My family has a heart, so big, so glorious, that i cannot even find the words to explain what they mean to me. They are a pink velvet ribbon on a little girl's throat...they are the wicked waves of a storm tossed sea, they are as luscious as a garden tomato, ripe in the sun, and the vastness of the sky. Overwritten, hopelessly in love with my family? Hopelessly romantic? Yes...i am all of those things. And i can only repay them with cookies and meatballs........
The interview went fine...wonderful, as a matter of fact. The district manager looked like a skinny Ronald Reagan, so, as we chatted, i pretended i was talking to Patrick Swayze in a ronald reagan mask...what was that movie????I was glad i had on a long skirt, because i caught myself crossing and uncrossing my legs,not such a good thing to do in a job interview, but, great for flirting with Patrick Swayze(sorry, George)...Ha!! You thought i forgot i embarass you from time to time, my darling brother?
The only opening is an hour and a half away, in virginia...I am so torn....if i take it, then i start work monday...if not...the only opening is two to three weeks away., i don't know if i can hold out that long....Any advise????
Back to my work, and hopefully i will be able to be online later.
Blogging is like a love affair; I cannot help but anticipate, rushing to see if my lover has responded....and, i always want more.
Later...........
Typing fast here, on the cuff, because my computer seems to have the same malady i have....never sure wheither it is coming or going. It took me 4 hours of trying today, and the internet provider, though supremely willing to help me, was as confounded as i. The only way i can connect is to pray, and keep shutting it down until it finally magically works..Amadeus, my computer wizard, wish you were here!
All excited about aunt patti, kelly, and the kids coming. I am cleaning the house like mad, even though it's not dirty. I am going to the store, and doing my best to have welcoming foods. I love them, plain and simple. My family has a heart, so big, so glorious, that i cannot even find the words to explain what they mean to me. They are a pink velvet ribbon on a little girl's throat...they are the wicked waves of a storm tossed sea, they are as luscious as a garden tomato, ripe in the sun, and the vastness of the sky. Overwritten, hopelessly in love with my family? Hopelessly romantic? Yes...i am all of those things. And i can only repay them with cookies and meatballs........
The interview went fine...wonderful, as a matter of fact. The district manager looked like a skinny Ronald Reagan, so, as we chatted, i pretended i was talking to Patrick Swayze in a ronald reagan mask...what was that movie????I was glad i had on a long skirt, because i caught myself crossing and uncrossing my legs,not such a good thing to do in a job interview, but, great for flirting with Patrick Swayze(sorry, George)...Ha!! You thought i forgot i embarass you from time to time, my darling brother?
The only opening is an hour and a half away, in virginia...I am so torn....if i take it, then i start work monday...if not...the only opening is two to three weeks away., i don't know if i can hold out that long....Any advise????
Back to my work, and hopefully i will be able to be online later.
Blogging is like a love affair; I cannot help but anticipate, rushing to see if my lover has responded....and, i always want more.
Later...........
Wednesday, September 22, 2004
Wednesday Morning
Doing all the girlie stuff that has to be done to polish up my image....I don't know how women do it, spend hours plucking their brows, and polishing their nails, slathering creams and all that other mysterious feminine stuff. It's fun every once in awhile, sort of a body meditation...but, as a way of life to stay attractive? No, thanks. I'd rather read a book, or bake cookies, or write, or, or, or...well, just about ANYTHING else.
It's going to be weird slipping into pantyhose, sliding into heels...My navy suit is pressed, and ready, my soft blue blouse crispy pressed. I have so many sides to me,it makes me giggle inside.(makes ALL of us/me giggle inside).
Only thing left to do is make sure i have my references in order, and find the place. Mapquest says only 30 minutes away, i figure if i leave 1-1/2 hours ahead of time, i should be safe.
Do i like the thought of the long hours, the just ok pay, the corp rules again? Nope, not on your life. But, since i don't have a fairy godmother to help me launch a creative business, or support me while i write my book, I will take the job, if offered it, with bells on and a smile....off i go, Later
Doing all the girlie stuff that has to be done to polish up my image....I don't know how women do it, spend hours plucking their brows, and polishing their nails, slathering creams and all that other mysterious feminine stuff. It's fun every once in awhile, sort of a body meditation...but, as a way of life to stay attractive? No, thanks. I'd rather read a book, or bake cookies, or write, or, or, or...well, just about ANYTHING else.
It's going to be weird slipping into pantyhose, sliding into heels...My navy suit is pressed, and ready, my soft blue blouse crispy pressed. I have so many sides to me,it makes me giggle inside.(makes ALL of us/me giggle inside).
Only thing left to do is make sure i have my references in order, and find the place. Mapquest says only 30 minutes away, i figure if i leave 1-1/2 hours ahead of time, i should be safe.
Do i like the thought of the long hours, the just ok pay, the corp rules again? Nope, not on your life. But, since i don't have a fairy godmother to help me launch a creative business, or support me while i write my book, I will take the job, if offered it, with bells on and a smile....off i go, Later
Wednesday Morning
Doing all the girlie stuff that has to be done to polish up my image....I don't know how women do it, spend hours plucking their brows, and polishing their nails, slathering creams and all that other mysterious feminine stuff. It's fun every once in awhile, sort of a body meditation...but, as a way of life to stay attractive? No, thanks. I'd rather read a book, or bake cookies, or write, or, or, or...well, just about ANYTHING else.
It's going to be weird slipping into pantyhose, sliding into heels...My navy suit is pressed, and ready, my soft blue blouse crispy pressed. I have so many sides to me,it makes me giggle inside.(makes ALL of us/me giggle inside).
Only thing left to do is make sure i have my references in order, and find the place. Mapquest says only 30 minutes away, i figure if i leave 1-1/2 hours ahead of time, i should be safe.
Do i like the thought of the long hours, the just ok pay, the corp rules again? Nope, not on your life. But, since i don't have a fairy godmother to help me launch a creative business, or support me while i write my book, I will take the job, if offered it, with bells on and a smile....off i go, Later
Doing all the girlie stuff that has to be done to polish up my image....I don't know how women do it, spend hours plucking their brows, and polishing their nails, slathering creams and all that other mysterious feminine stuff. It's fun every once in awhile, sort of a body meditation...but, as a way of life to stay attractive? No, thanks. I'd rather read a book, or bake cookies, or write, or, or, or...well, just about ANYTHING else.
It's going to be weird slipping into pantyhose, sliding into heels...My navy suit is pressed, and ready, my soft blue blouse crispy pressed. I have so many sides to me,it makes me giggle inside.(makes ALL of us/me giggle inside).
Only thing left to do is make sure i have my references in order, and find the place. Mapquest says only 30 minutes away, i figure if i leave 1-1/2 hours ahead of time, i should be safe.
Do i like the thought of the long hours, the just ok pay, the corp rules again? Nope, not on your life. But, since i don't have a fairy godmother to help me launch a creative business, or support me while i write my book, I will take the job, if offered it, with bells on and a smile....off i go, Later
Tuesday, September 21, 2004
Tuesday Evening~~
How easy it is not to write, not to express yourself, but, rather, to hide away, keeping your secrets, keeping up fences of self-defense.
To blog this past week has been too painful..for my thoughts have not been light, or funny, or even beautiful. I am well aware that my family reads my blogs, using them as a pulse, to see how i am doing in my new home.
I am learning to do fine; i am meeting people, i am enjoying the intrinsic beauty of Delmarva Pennisula. Justin is still hard, very hard at times. As i have been trying to write, for example, he has interrupted me five times already..my concentration is broken.
My computer server is different, and though it's fast, it isn't reliable..I have a new morning routine, and i feel very thrown off....
But, tomorrow, thank God for tomorrows...it's a new day...
P.S....Have a job interview tomorrow in the afternoon with the district mgr of the drug store....wish me luck and send me prayers! Later......
How easy it is not to write, not to express yourself, but, rather, to hide away, keeping your secrets, keeping up fences of self-defense.
To blog this past week has been too painful..for my thoughts have not been light, or funny, or even beautiful. I am well aware that my family reads my blogs, using them as a pulse, to see how i am doing in my new home.
I am learning to do fine; i am meeting people, i am enjoying the intrinsic beauty of Delmarva Pennisula. Justin is still hard, very hard at times. As i have been trying to write, for example, he has interrupted me five times already..my concentration is broken.
My computer server is different, and though it's fast, it isn't reliable..I have a new morning routine, and i feel very thrown off....
But, tomorrow, thank God for tomorrows...it's a new day...
P.S....Have a job interview tomorrow in the afternoon with the district mgr of the drug store....wish me luck and send me prayers! Later......
Saturday, September 18, 2004
Saturday, Early afternoon~~
It's still gray and listless out, but, that's okay. Things are up and down with Justin, but, that's okay, too. I feel a deep sense of anticapation, like christmas is almost here. Why? I don't know. I found a course on fiction writing at the local community college, and i am going to take it. It starts this tuesday night.
I haven't heard from the drugstore yet, but, i think i am going to get it, anyway, with my background and just, well, because i think i am.
I am waking up again in the middle of the night, wide awake, staring into the darkness. I am not afraid, i am not lonely, merely....wide awake...I pull the curtains aside, and look out into the darkness of the backyard. Nothing stirs, nothing beacons, but, i still get the feeling i am being watched, and measured, and soon, the last piece of the puzzle will fall into place.
Our first official non-family house guest is here. His name is George, and he is very affable. He brought my sister and robert a bottle of Mumm's champagne for a houseworking gift. He's a vegetarian, so, i guess he won't be eating any of the bacon i cooked for brunch.(oops!)
Jan is off, doing her social butterfly thing, and i have set a beautiful brunch table with the Dutch blue china, and a yellow and blue tablecloth.
I nibbled on bagels she brought down from Manhattan, and faded away to write here in Mermaids....Today i think we are going to virginia, to chincoteague island, the virginia counterpart to assateaque island. Another adventure......later.
It's still gray and listless out, but, that's okay. Things are up and down with Justin, but, that's okay, too. I feel a deep sense of anticapation, like christmas is almost here. Why? I don't know. I found a course on fiction writing at the local community college, and i am going to take it. It starts this tuesday night.
I haven't heard from the drugstore yet, but, i think i am going to get it, anyway, with my background and just, well, because i think i am.
I am waking up again in the middle of the night, wide awake, staring into the darkness. I am not afraid, i am not lonely, merely....wide awake...I pull the curtains aside, and look out into the darkness of the backyard. Nothing stirs, nothing beacons, but, i still get the feeling i am being watched, and measured, and soon, the last piece of the puzzle will fall into place.
Our first official non-family house guest is here. His name is George, and he is very affable. He brought my sister and robert a bottle of Mumm's champagne for a houseworking gift. He's a vegetarian, so, i guess he won't be eating any of the bacon i cooked for brunch.(oops!)
Jan is off, doing her social butterfly thing, and i have set a beautiful brunch table with the Dutch blue china, and a yellow and blue tablecloth.
I nibbled on bagels she brought down from Manhattan, and faded away to write here in Mermaids....Today i think we are going to virginia, to chincoteague island, the virginia counterpart to assateaque island. Another adventure......later.
Friday, September 17, 2004
Good Morning, World!!
Are you all ready????I saw the redbird!!!! Not once, but twice. Early this morning, i sat sipping my coffee on the back deck. Behind the wrought iron fence i saw him....walk-hopping, brightest of bright, against the blackness of the iron. A great, wide smile broke out on my face, and i raised my coffee cup in salute.
I knew it was coming, because i heard Hope call my name last night on the beach. It is a miraculous place, empty of all man has to offer...no hotels, no lights, no signs....just mile after mile of sand, and sea, and sky. As i walked, with the salt in the air perfuming my nose, my only companions were baby crabs, skittering sideways into mysterious little holes, pelicans in flight, and seagulls standing sentinel along the dunes.
The sky embraced me, rolling clouds giving way to a deep red and purple window of light, as the sun slipped away.
I asked "Which way do i go, God?" "Which way?" And my answer, as i looked up, was clear...a jet left a wide white plume in the sky...directly in front of me. The answer, of course, was easy. Just keep going straight ahead....and that's what i am going to do.
The redbird? I laughed that i didn't see him in graceful flight, but, rather, hop-walking along. Just like me, right now.
As i got up to go inside, i had one more treat...He flew..not away, but directly towards me, and landed on the maple tree not 15 feet away. He regarded me steadily, tilted his head to the side...(can birds smile? because this one did) and he was gone. Later.........
Are you all ready????I saw the redbird!!!! Not once, but twice. Early this morning, i sat sipping my coffee on the back deck. Behind the wrought iron fence i saw him....walk-hopping, brightest of bright, against the blackness of the iron. A great, wide smile broke out on my face, and i raised my coffee cup in salute.
I knew it was coming, because i heard Hope call my name last night on the beach. It is a miraculous place, empty of all man has to offer...no hotels, no lights, no signs....just mile after mile of sand, and sea, and sky. As i walked, with the salt in the air perfuming my nose, my only companions were baby crabs, skittering sideways into mysterious little holes, pelicans in flight, and seagulls standing sentinel along the dunes.
The sky embraced me, rolling clouds giving way to a deep red and purple window of light, as the sun slipped away.
I asked "Which way do i go, God?" "Which way?" And my answer, as i looked up, was clear...a jet left a wide white plume in the sky...directly in front of me. The answer, of course, was easy. Just keep going straight ahead....and that's what i am going to do.
The redbird? I laughed that i didn't see him in graceful flight, but, rather, hop-walking along. Just like me, right now.
As i got up to go inside, i had one more treat...He flew..not away, but directly towards me, and landed on the maple tree not 15 feet away. He regarded me steadily, tilted his head to the side...(can birds smile? because this one did) and he was gone. Later.........
Thursday, September 16, 2004
Thursday Morning,
I awoke before six, and went outside to watch to sky turn pink in the east. I wondered if the ponies ran the beach at that hour, noses up, waiting for the day.
I didn't go look...but, rather, snuggled back in my cloud of a bed, content.
I am back. Truly back. I have changed my screensaver to a picture of Todd and K.,sitting in my front porch swing, wide, sassy grins on their dear faces. I have my nephew, C, coming tonight, with his fiancee.., and a new dryer my sister bought being delivered this morning.
I rearranged the guest room upstairs, and hung lace curtains at the windows, and it's ready for the first overnight guest that i don't know this saturday...a friend of my brother-in-law.
I am calling Rite-Aid today, and I have a crazy hunch of a job elsewhere that i am going to explore.
I am going to enjoy this respite from work, instead of squirming in anxiety about money. For, the truth is, it's not something i can change at this given moment, so, i might as well use the time happily.
Off i go, to a brandnew day...Later.
I awoke before six, and went outside to watch to sky turn pink in the east. I wondered if the ponies ran the beach at that hour, noses up, waiting for the day.
I didn't go look...but, rather, snuggled back in my cloud of a bed, content.
I am back. Truly back. I have changed my screensaver to a picture of Todd and K.,sitting in my front porch swing, wide, sassy grins on their dear faces. I have my nephew, C, coming tonight, with his fiancee.., and a new dryer my sister bought being delivered this morning.
I rearranged the guest room upstairs, and hung lace curtains at the windows, and it's ready for the first overnight guest that i don't know this saturday...a friend of my brother-in-law.
I am calling Rite-Aid today, and I have a crazy hunch of a job elsewhere that i am going to explore.
I am going to enjoy this respite from work, instead of squirming in anxiety about money. For, the truth is, it's not something i can change at this given moment, so, i might as well use the time happily.
Off i go, to a brandnew day...Later.
Wednesday, September 15, 2004
Wednesday Night~~
First, thank you, amadeus...you are such a loving friend. Your reply today was what i was thinking, you just put it to words for me.
Justin should know in a few days about his job...the owners are out of town. I had to push him out of the car, with prayers and a swift kick, but, i watched him in the rear view mirror, (even though i DID tell him "pull up your pants!" and, he walked tall. Such a serious, intelligent young man, such a mere infant, sigh.
Me? well, i cleaned and put away my books, and left a message for the DM of the drugstore. I have a horrible feeling that i transposed the numbers in my new phone number, something i do when i am nervous.
We rented a video downtown. The local toughgirl, about 200 bucks soaking wet, shook my hand and almost crushed it. I forgot to wear makeup, and my hair was at it's best..yanked up in a clip, with a frizzy poodle-doo in the front.
The lady behind the counter greeted me..."you must be the new woman in town" I was startled...how did she KNOW? She asked me how i liked the town...and i said, "well, i enjoy all the cornfields, and the sea is wonderful". Dead silence.
"where u-all from?" she queried. "uhmmm, Detroit". Her eyes widened, and i think she did a quick visual, looking for weapons.
"what da u-all do?" I wanted to say i was a missionary, or, librarian, or, i inherited my moohlah, but, instead, i blurted out..."I am a Writer!"
Shit. the book isn't written yet. I can't believe i said that.
I have to blame my sweetest friend, Flora. She started me blogging. She told me i could write. Once i started writing, last March, it was all over for me.
First, came the practice. Then, came the kernel of thought....could i, would i? write a book? Then came the idea,,,what to write about? Then came the book premise...Then, finally, the title...which is....
Redbird. (of course)
Broke, scared, and finally happy,
later.
First, thank you, amadeus...you are such a loving friend. Your reply today was what i was thinking, you just put it to words for me.
Justin should know in a few days about his job...the owners are out of town. I had to push him out of the car, with prayers and a swift kick, but, i watched him in the rear view mirror, (even though i DID tell him "pull up your pants!" and, he walked tall. Such a serious, intelligent young man, such a mere infant, sigh.
Me? well, i cleaned and put away my books, and left a message for the DM of the drugstore. I have a horrible feeling that i transposed the numbers in my new phone number, something i do when i am nervous.
We rented a video downtown. The local toughgirl, about 200 bucks soaking wet, shook my hand and almost crushed it. I forgot to wear makeup, and my hair was at it's best..yanked up in a clip, with a frizzy poodle-doo in the front.
The lady behind the counter greeted me..."you must be the new woman in town" I was startled...how did she KNOW? She asked me how i liked the town...and i said, "well, i enjoy all the cornfields, and the sea is wonderful". Dead silence.
"where u-all from?" she queried. "uhmmm, Detroit". Her eyes widened, and i think she did a quick visual, looking for weapons.
"what da u-all do?" I wanted to say i was a missionary, or, librarian, or, i inherited my moohlah, but, instead, i blurted out..."I am a Writer!"
Shit. the book isn't written yet. I can't believe i said that.
I have to blame my sweetest friend, Flora. She started me blogging. She told me i could write. Once i started writing, last March, it was all over for me.
First, came the practice. Then, came the kernel of thought....could i, would i? write a book? Then came the idea,,,what to write about? Then came the book premise...Then, finally, the title...which is....
Redbird. (of course)
Broke, scared, and finally happy,
later.
Wednesday Morning~~
Before i opened my eyes this morning, i heard the redbird sing. The wind ruffled through the sheer white curtains in my bedroom, and i sat up, looking for my first glimpse of my totem bird since i have been in maryland. I heard her clearly, but couldnt see her.
Not yet. I haven't seen her yet. This concerns me, because i inhabit a world of secret signs and omens, that somehow overlap and fit into my everyday practicality.
I am fighting a war right now. It is a singular war, against depression and low self-esteem. It keeps me from writing, because i see my words as a whining, woe-is-me victim, instead of the poet-warrior i am meant to be.
So, today as i heard the redbird, and didn't see her, i DO take it as a sign..A sign that all will be well, even if i don't see it. I just have to work with what i have, keep exploring the area until it becomes familiar, find solace in the sea, and put on a happy face.
Today J. has a job interview at 12 noon, working for a Doggie-hotel. Can you believe it? A bed and breakfast for dogs. Last night we got out the papers for the Home Schooling program, and we will call on that today..or rather, HE will call, i will just be standing by.
I am faxing my resume to a local newspaper, looking for a classified salesperson...sounds interesting, so, why not? I am also going to get in touch with the District Mgr. of one the national drugstores i used to work at, it's decent, all year round employment, with good benefits. What does it matter, as long as i write my book in the meantime?
Off i go, to fight my war, to find beauty where i can, to keep active, to keep a smile on my face, and hope in my heart. Later.
Before i opened my eyes this morning, i heard the redbird sing. The wind ruffled through the sheer white curtains in my bedroom, and i sat up, looking for my first glimpse of my totem bird since i have been in maryland. I heard her clearly, but couldnt see her.
Not yet. I haven't seen her yet. This concerns me, because i inhabit a world of secret signs and omens, that somehow overlap and fit into my everyday practicality.
I am fighting a war right now. It is a singular war, against depression and low self-esteem. It keeps me from writing, because i see my words as a whining, woe-is-me victim, instead of the poet-warrior i am meant to be.
So, today as i heard the redbird, and didn't see her, i DO take it as a sign..A sign that all will be well, even if i don't see it. I just have to work with what i have, keep exploring the area until it becomes familiar, find solace in the sea, and put on a happy face.
Today J. has a job interview at 12 noon, working for a Doggie-hotel. Can you believe it? A bed and breakfast for dogs. Last night we got out the papers for the Home Schooling program, and we will call on that today..or rather, HE will call, i will just be standing by.
I am faxing my resume to a local newspaper, looking for a classified salesperson...sounds interesting, so, why not? I am also going to get in touch with the District Mgr. of one the national drugstores i used to work at, it's decent, all year round employment, with good benefits. What does it matter, as long as i write my book in the meantime?
Off i go, to fight my war, to find beauty where i can, to keep active, to keep a smile on my face, and hope in my heart. Later.
Tuesday, September 14, 2004
tuesday night~~
I just wanted to say thank you for all your support...those of you that i know personally, and those of you who have come to know me from my writings..
I am trying to write everyday, but, i confess, my heart just isn't in it right now.....early to bed tonight, and looking towards a new day...later.
I just wanted to say thank you for all your support...those of you that i know personally, and those of you who have come to know me from my writings..
I am trying to write everyday, but, i confess, my heart just isn't in it right now.....early to bed tonight, and looking towards a new day...later.
Monday, September 13, 2004
Monday Morning~~
They say there is such as phenomenon as the "dark night of the soul". I don't think this is an isolated happening, in any life...But, rather, a series of chapters of growth, where we are all alone in the dark, afraid, longing for comfort, longing for the light..
Some of us call to our mommies, some of us whistle, some of us numb ourselves with drug, or drink. Most of us pray, pray as we whistle, pray as we drink, pray as we drug...All of us, i think, move thru the darkness with the bogeyman over our shoulder, all of us grow in wisdom, in experience, as we walk that dark corridor that we hope we never see again.
Do i think that suffering is necessary for growth? With a heavy heart, wishing i could say elsewise, i say, unequivocally, YES.
Maybe the saints were right, all along. Personally, the many avenues of pain i have suffered, have not killed me, just made me stronger.
I am not discounting the bird in flight, the beauty of the blossom, the scent of lavender. I am not discounting the delicacy of a hand held, or the tears of joy in the throes of intimacy.
I am only saying, have the courage to walk thru the darkest of nights...the darkness that flows from the physical world we inhabit, the even darker state of our minds, as we leave familiarity, leave relationships, leave the known.
I want to meet Christopher Columbus in heaven. He sailed the ocean, deep and vast and magnificent, with only his instincts and dreams leading him to a horizon others said was flat.
Go for it. Christopher was right. You don't drop off the horizon. The world is round, not flat.
I am back, the mermaid beached on the shore, gasping for breath. I have walked my dark night, weeping over my separation from my front porch swing, my son, my love, Todd, my proximity to all that is known and dear.
I am back, growling at the lack of money, the unpaid bills. I am strengthening my backbone, as Justin, the child i wanted to save from pain, runs back to it, to Michigan.
I walked 5 miles on the beach this morning, my companions my aching feet, sandpipers, and bits of broken shell.
The wild ponies raced along the water, and i heard, impossibly, a redbird cry my beloved"pretty, pretty, pretty". I walked slow, the flowered backpack i thought i should discard filled with water, a pen, paper, and my keys.
I asked God...why did i do this crazy thing? Why am i here?
All i heard was the rhythm of the water. All i saw was the sleek line of sky and sea.I asked for a sign...i prayed for work....
I wanted something spectacular...dolphins arcing in play..a perfect conch shell.
Instead.....
I got a walking stick..Driftwood, with a gnarled edge, a rounded shape..yet, perfectly fitted to my height and hand.
So...thanks, God. For being there thru my "darkest night"..Not miraculous transporting me out of my pain, but giving me a walking stick. later.
They say there is such as phenomenon as the "dark night of the soul". I don't think this is an isolated happening, in any life...But, rather, a series of chapters of growth, where we are all alone in the dark, afraid, longing for comfort, longing for the light..
Some of us call to our mommies, some of us whistle, some of us numb ourselves with drug, or drink. Most of us pray, pray as we whistle, pray as we drink, pray as we drug...All of us, i think, move thru the darkness with the bogeyman over our shoulder, all of us grow in wisdom, in experience, as we walk that dark corridor that we hope we never see again.
Do i think that suffering is necessary for growth? With a heavy heart, wishing i could say elsewise, i say, unequivocally, YES.
Maybe the saints were right, all along. Personally, the many avenues of pain i have suffered, have not killed me, just made me stronger.
I am not discounting the bird in flight, the beauty of the blossom, the scent of lavender. I am not discounting the delicacy of a hand held, or the tears of joy in the throes of intimacy.
I am only saying, have the courage to walk thru the darkest of nights...the darkness that flows from the physical world we inhabit, the even darker state of our minds, as we leave familiarity, leave relationships, leave the known.
I want to meet Christopher Columbus in heaven. He sailed the ocean, deep and vast and magnificent, with only his instincts and dreams leading him to a horizon others said was flat.
Go for it. Christopher was right. You don't drop off the horizon. The world is round, not flat.
I am back, the mermaid beached on the shore, gasping for breath. I have walked my dark night, weeping over my separation from my front porch swing, my son, my love, Todd, my proximity to all that is known and dear.
I am back, growling at the lack of money, the unpaid bills. I am strengthening my backbone, as Justin, the child i wanted to save from pain, runs back to it, to Michigan.
I walked 5 miles on the beach this morning, my companions my aching feet, sandpipers, and bits of broken shell.
The wild ponies raced along the water, and i heard, impossibly, a redbird cry my beloved"pretty, pretty, pretty". I walked slow, the flowered backpack i thought i should discard filled with water, a pen, paper, and my keys.
I asked God...why did i do this crazy thing? Why am i here?
All i heard was the rhythm of the water. All i saw was the sleek line of sky and sea.I asked for a sign...i prayed for work....
I wanted something spectacular...dolphins arcing in play..a perfect conch shell.
Instead.....
I got a walking stick..Driftwood, with a gnarled edge, a rounded shape..yet, perfectly fitted to my height and hand.
So...thanks, God. For being there thru my "darkest night"..Not miraculous transporting me out of my pain, but giving me a walking stick. later.
Saturday, September 11, 2004
Saturday Morning~~
I guess i never expected to be so homesick. I keep reminding myself that i need to give myself time....time to settle in, time to make this my home. My sister has tried so hard to make me welcome...the strangeness will wear off, right?
I am going to the beach in a few minutes, and walk. I hear a redbird every morning, but i haven't seen him yet....My fingers feel depressed on the keyboard..., how funny!! never heard of depressed fingers before...must be a writer's block type of ailment.,lol...
So, i am taking the advise i have so often given to others...cheer up, get moving, and it will be okay....later.
I guess i never expected to be so homesick. I keep reminding myself that i need to give myself time....time to settle in, time to make this my home. My sister has tried so hard to make me welcome...the strangeness will wear off, right?
I am going to the beach in a few minutes, and walk. I hear a redbird every morning, but i haven't seen him yet....My fingers feel depressed on the keyboard..., how funny!! never heard of depressed fingers before...must be a writer's block type of ailment.,lol...
So, i am taking the advise i have so often given to others...cheer up, get moving, and it will be okay....later.
Friday, September 10, 2004
Thursday Night~~
Home is where the heart is...God Bless whoever wrote that..because, today, i know it is true. I am now living in a beautiful house...so beautiful, i would not dare to eat an icecream sandwich on the couch. The sea is so close, and the sky...well, the stars reach down and kiss you...
And me? i miss my little cottage. I am waking up each night in dead sweats, I miss my son. I miss the stupid mattress store. I miss the winding road, to my house. I miss .....well, i miss everything. I am just a coward. I don't know why i moved. I miss Justin's girlfriend, with her serious eyes, and her tiny little waist, and i miss my grandbabies(even though i can't really claim them yet.) I miss my red tomatoes, and my swing, and i miss my flowers.
Why in God's name did i do this?????This house makes funny noises in the middle of the night, and, i am locking the doors, scared. Later
Home is where the heart is...God Bless whoever wrote that..because, today, i know it is true. I am now living in a beautiful house...so beautiful, i would not dare to eat an icecream sandwich on the couch. The sea is so close, and the sky...well, the stars reach down and kiss you...
And me? i miss my little cottage. I am waking up each night in dead sweats, I miss my son. I miss the stupid mattress store. I miss the winding road, to my house. I miss .....well, i miss everything. I am just a coward. I don't know why i moved. I miss Justin's girlfriend, with her serious eyes, and her tiny little waist, and i miss my grandbabies(even though i can't really claim them yet.) I miss my red tomatoes, and my swing, and i miss my flowers.
Why in God's name did i do this?????This house makes funny noises in the middle of the night, and, i am locking the doors, scared. Later
Friday, September 03, 2004
Thursday, September 02, 2004
Thursday Night~~The witches of waterford..
I wanted so much to make homemade salsa from the garden, and light candles, and wear a flowing skirt, with bright red, painted lips. Instead, i wore jeans, and no bra, and my naked face peered out from my glasses. My curls were corraled, in a big, wicked clip, and i drank alot of wine.
And the people that loved me? They are the ones that don't really have alot, if you talk about material things, but, they are so rich, so real, that i know that i have sat with them before, in heaven, and just leaned back and laughed..and probably shared a meal or two, or ten thousand.
Ginny packed the clean clothes, fresh from the laundry mat. Mary organized my camping gear. Andrea made the boys pick up, and Lindsey, God love her, sick as a dog, and delicately excusing herself to be sick, ferried things from box to box.
My Todd bought pizza, and was the perfect host(chip off the old block) And, in his do-rag, six foot two, and watchful, made it all happen.
J..well, he gave me his last hurrah in michigan...tried to fight with me...and i just was exausted by his bullshit. He picked up a plate, went to throw it...and i said.."go for it...if that's the best you can do...because, i am going to pop you a good one if you really piss me off..i don't have time for your crap tonight." Then i walked out the door...went back to my friends, and the love i felt as i gave things away, and the wine didn't hurt, either.
Amazing...i didn't hear a crash...guess it wasn't the same with no audience...
They all toasted me..and i felt so, so loved...My gift to them was to go around the circle, and do a phychic reading...I don't do it often, it is very draining...but, i wanted so badly to give back....I think i gave them some insight, and hopefully some foresight...
Now, it's time for bed...I haven't even told you about my visit with my friend Pat...but, that's another story...later.
I wanted so much to make homemade salsa from the garden, and light candles, and wear a flowing skirt, with bright red, painted lips. Instead, i wore jeans, and no bra, and my naked face peered out from my glasses. My curls were corraled, in a big, wicked clip, and i drank alot of wine.
And the people that loved me? They are the ones that don't really have alot, if you talk about material things, but, they are so rich, so real, that i know that i have sat with them before, in heaven, and just leaned back and laughed..and probably shared a meal or two, or ten thousand.
Ginny packed the clean clothes, fresh from the laundry mat. Mary organized my camping gear. Andrea made the boys pick up, and Lindsey, God love her, sick as a dog, and delicately excusing herself to be sick, ferried things from box to box.
My Todd bought pizza, and was the perfect host(chip off the old block) And, in his do-rag, six foot two, and watchful, made it all happen.
J..well, he gave me his last hurrah in michigan...tried to fight with me...and i just was exausted by his bullshit. He picked up a plate, went to throw it...and i said.."go for it...if that's the best you can do...because, i am going to pop you a good one if you really piss me off..i don't have time for your crap tonight." Then i walked out the door...went back to my friends, and the love i felt as i gave things away, and the wine didn't hurt, either.
Amazing...i didn't hear a crash...guess it wasn't the same with no audience...
They all toasted me..and i felt so, so loved...My gift to them was to go around the circle, and do a phychic reading...I don't do it often, it is very draining...but, i wanted so badly to give back....I think i gave them some insight, and hopefully some foresight...
Now, it's time for bed...I haven't even told you about my visit with my friend Pat...but, that's another story...later.
Thursday Morning~
I have spent the last three days in prayer. Not white-gloved, kneel in church prayer, just a running dialog with God. I have gone to the source with all my dreams and hopes and fears, asking for guidance and a miracle. What i was looking for was a financial miracle,because moving day is tomorrow, and there just isn't much money left. Don't let anyone tell you miracles don't exist...they do. Mine have come when i wrestle my ego to it's knees, and just let go...and, let God.
I still haven't seen that green miracle, but, my faith is strong. I guess He had a more important miracle to take care of first.
Last night, 12am, i tossed and turned, eyes wide open in the dark, thinking about J., and his decision...This is unusual for me, because i am one of those lucky people that fall asleep as soon as i hit the pillow. "Momma? are you asleep?" It was J. at my door. "Can we talk?"
Out we went to the front porch swing, to sit in the dark,with the moon gleaming through the tall maples, and a cup of tea. Maybe staying with his friend wasn't such a good idea, he began. How was he going to make it on his own, without a job, a car, an education? Maybe he wasn't ready. I let him talk, and didn't interrupt, all the while silently thanking God, for THIS was the miracle He had in store for me.
There is a selfish part of me that said "Oh No!", because once i got used to the fact that i was going to maryland alone, i started to fantasize about it all...the sheer, glorious freedom..the first time in my entire life i would live alone, and not take care of anybody but myself.
Not going to happen, yet. J decided to come to maryland, after all.He doesn't realize it yet, but, he has made a decision that will change his life in so many wonderful ways.. And so, the journey continues, and i stay mentor, on active Momma Battle Duty, for a while more...Later
I have spent the last three days in prayer. Not white-gloved, kneel in church prayer, just a running dialog with God. I have gone to the source with all my dreams and hopes and fears, asking for guidance and a miracle. What i was looking for was a financial miracle,because moving day is tomorrow, and there just isn't much money left. Don't let anyone tell you miracles don't exist...they do. Mine have come when i wrestle my ego to it's knees, and just let go...and, let God.
I still haven't seen that green miracle, but, my faith is strong. I guess He had a more important miracle to take care of first.
Last night, 12am, i tossed and turned, eyes wide open in the dark, thinking about J., and his decision...This is unusual for me, because i am one of those lucky people that fall asleep as soon as i hit the pillow. "Momma? are you asleep?" It was J. at my door. "Can we talk?"
Out we went to the front porch swing, to sit in the dark,with the moon gleaming through the tall maples, and a cup of tea. Maybe staying with his friend wasn't such a good idea, he began. How was he going to make it on his own, without a job, a car, an education? Maybe he wasn't ready. I let him talk, and didn't interrupt, all the while silently thanking God, for THIS was the miracle He had in store for me.
There is a selfish part of me that said "Oh No!", because once i got used to the fact that i was going to maryland alone, i started to fantasize about it all...the sheer, glorious freedom..the first time in my entire life i would live alone, and not take care of anybody but myself.
Not going to happen, yet. J decided to come to maryland, after all.He doesn't realize it yet, but, he has made a decision that will change his life in so many wonderful ways.. And so, the journey continues, and i stay mentor, on active Momma Battle Duty, for a while more...Later
Wednesday, September 01, 2004
Thursday Morning~ Zen of Moving..
When we die, we are supposedly given the video version of our life. We sit with God, hopefully on His lap, like a child, and watch our lives unfold. We get to see, unvarnished, each poignant deed of good and evil, eyes wide open, with the clarity of hindsight.
Moving is like that. It is not just throwing things in boxes, to accomplish the practical placement from here to there. It is a review of our life, for each bowl packed has a story of meals prepared..Stories of that halloween where they held candy for goblins, and you laughed and laughed as they summoned the courage to take it from the green-faced witch...
Photos, so many photos, that make you ache with love, and sorrow, and remembrance of the people who touch, and touched you..
Bills, paid and unpaid, that speak of hard times, and glorious times of abundance..
Old movie stubs, with a heart drawn around them, and concerts that speak of soft, gauzy skirts on a hill, watching the sunset while B.B. King played his final Detroit tour...
Blue Bunny, lovingly wrapped in tissue, minus one ear...And going thru a cookbook, and finding that ear with a scribbled note attached, "SEW BACK ON FOR TODD, today!"
(he is 22 now).
I see now where my riches lie. It is not in the things themself...things can be replaced..a pot is a pot is a pot.
The gold is the essence of lives touched, hearts given, in laughter, in tears, in friendship, in enimity. The gold is in the love of life, and to get there, just love.
Back to packing....later.
When we die, we are supposedly given the video version of our life. We sit with God, hopefully on His lap, like a child, and watch our lives unfold. We get to see, unvarnished, each poignant deed of good and evil, eyes wide open, with the clarity of hindsight.
Moving is like that. It is not just throwing things in boxes, to accomplish the practical placement from here to there. It is a review of our life, for each bowl packed has a story of meals prepared..Stories of that halloween where they held candy for goblins, and you laughed and laughed as they summoned the courage to take it from the green-faced witch...
Photos, so many photos, that make you ache with love, and sorrow, and remembrance of the people who touch, and touched you..
Bills, paid and unpaid, that speak of hard times, and glorious times of abundance..
Old movie stubs, with a heart drawn around them, and concerts that speak of soft, gauzy skirts on a hill, watching the sunset while B.B. King played his final Detroit tour...
Blue Bunny, lovingly wrapped in tissue, minus one ear...And going thru a cookbook, and finding that ear with a scribbled note attached, "SEW BACK ON FOR TODD, today!"
(he is 22 now).
I see now where my riches lie. It is not in the things themself...things can be replaced..a pot is a pot is a pot.
The gold is the essence of lives touched, hearts given, in laughter, in tears, in friendship, in enimity. The gold is in the love of life, and to get there, just love.
Back to packing....later.
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