Sunday Night, Mother's Day
This is always the most rotten day of the year for me....I have been divorced, i have been....well, lots of unpleasant memories...but, the worst is losing my mother. I dare Dr. Phil, Jesus Christ, Yogananda, to heal me from the wound I carry from losing her at 13.
It's not like i haven't tried every avenue that flies down the pike to heal...But, regardless, Mother's Day has me crying....riding down the road with my mascara dripping, ghoulishly stopping at cemetaries, weeping into the mother's day section at RiteAid. I have found women to "mother" me, through the years...but, always, deep in my heart, i knew that they weren't "mine".
I have tried to be a good mother myself...but, i don't really think I have...so poor...so full of excuses about "maybe" I have taught my children ????? As they grow up, they look at me like i am a nutcase, because i am not practical in their eyes anymore...just a dreamer, a believer in miracles....They berate me for not having money, i think.
Yet, I would rather have a house full of rickety chairs and good food, and i stand by that. I would rather have a house full of chaos, and a blessed circle of laughter, then a perfect plan, and i stand by that. I would rather love someone from afar, and cherish him, then make do with who is available, and i stand by that.
My mother taught me these things. She didn't leave me money, or gold, or all the things that are "right" to leave your children. She left me love. And i will love who i love, with all i have, till the day i die.
Thanks, Mom. I love you.