Happy 4th!!
I just said goodbye to my 1989 dodge colt hatchback. Say goodbye to a car? You bet. That car was more loyal then most men i have known. After i left the mattress store for the 2nd time, i fell into a terrible financial state. My brand new intrepid was repossessed. My house in jeopardy, narrowly escaping foreclosure. I was working at the gourmet catering firm, loving it, but trying desperately to pay my bills. I never thought i would see the mattress store again, but then i got the call. New owners...owners who had heard about my reputation in sales. "would i come back?" I didn't want to. I was struggling so much financially, cooking, but, i had lost 20 lbs, in sheer hard work and exuberance, and looked forward to each day...creating, tasting, being ALIVE in my work.I knew if i went back i would gain weight again, with the 11 hours a day eating junkfood on the fly, the pains would come back in my neck and shoulders, the association with cutthroat, immoral people would be my life.
I did it anyway. My kids needed more then my excuses "i don't have the money" They needed groceries, not my 101 ways with pasta and a can of tuna fish. I wanted the simple amenities back, cable tv, garbage pickup(my neighbors let me put my garbage with theirs).,
And that little car? I had been driving the company catering van after my car was repo'd. I had to give it back, of course, when i started at that mattress store. So...no money built up in commissions yet, i begged rides from my coworkers and friends. Hard to do, because i don't like to ask anyone for anything. I ended up at a little used car lot. I had to be at work in one hour. "what do you have that runs, for 400.oo dollars?" i asked. The salesman's name was Raz(swear to God). He tried everything to step me up to a car with payments., even with my bad credit. " I don't think i made myself clear", i said." I have 400.00 dollars. Thats it. What can i drive off the lot for that?" It was December 11th, and the snow was gently billowing from the gray clouds. He led me to the back lot, and i grabbed his arm to keep from slipping in my heels. And there it was...a mediocre brown, tiny dodge colt. "I'll TAKE it!" i said. We did the paperwork, Raz shaking his head in disapproval, and then handed me the key. "You do drive stick, right?"
Oh sweet God in Heaven Above! I hadn't driven stick since Todd was a baby....YEARS AGO....."Sure do" I said...i just need a quick lesson.."How do i get in reverse?"..
Twenty minutes left to get to work...I drove that little car right off the lot, with a paper tag in the rear window. I stalled, and humped, and shook all the way to work, but i made it. The brakes were bad, the radiator leaked, and the speedometer only worked in warm weather. But it never left me by the roadside, and always got me where i wanted to go.
It needs a new home, with a guy that will take care of it, fix it, understand it. I bought a 800.00 car, and i have to confess i don't like it much, but, it will do, for now.
The colt's new home? I gave it away, to the young delivery guy at work. He hasn't any money, and he is newly married with a baby. I know everyone thinks i am crazy for not selling it, but, it came to me as a gift...who but the angels could have made a 400.00 car last almost 2 years with no repairs? So a gift it will remain, to be passed on....Later.

Saturday Night~~
The sun is sinking, and i guess i have been, too. I know somewhere there are parties, and fireworks, but, i am home alone. I feel like i was dropped off on a deserted island, yet, somewhere close, yachts are motoring by...The boys are out, and half of me is glad, because i can have quiet time, the other half....pissy. Well, i have a choice., either mope around, or use the time to be happy. I choose happy. I don't want to go to the fireworks alone, it's just too sad. I am going to blast Louie Armstrong, dance a little, and who knows? .
Ps..the only reason i wrote this blog tonight was because i promised myself NOTHING would stop me from writing everyday, unless i had no computer to do it with......Later.

Friday Night~~
One of these days i will stop....just never stop seeing things that can be cleaned, fixed, or made better, i guess. Today's project was sorting, dusting, and packing my cookbooks..I seperated them into catagories...baking, international, regional, how to, specialty, ect. Yikes! How did i collect so many? 132 boxed already, and each one's an old and valued friend. I am sure i have some in my bedroom, too...sigh. I am yawning like mad, and it's time for a nice cool shower and maybe a little tv...See you tomorrow!

Friday morning~~
I have been uncomfortable with my thoughts about Rikk the last week or so. Nebulous thoughts, unwelcome ones, swirling like gnats around my head. Most of all, i have felt....disconnected. A long distance relationship is never easy, at it's best. I grocery shop, i garden, i cook, i sleep, with a ghost partner at my side.One cup of coffee poured, my hand, unheld.
He will be in canada another two years raising his son, M. He hasn't gotten the waiver to visit me yet, either. When i move to maryland, we will be a 15 hour drive from each other, instead of 3.
These are all things i can handle, because when i love, i really love, and i can wait. But, the feeling of "disconnect"..that is much harder to deal with. I am having a hard time expressing my feelings with this post, but i guess what i need is...to feel cherished. I need the unexpected card, the call saying "i love you", the reassurance that we are together, even though apart. That's why the feeling of disconnect, i guess. Intimacy, true intimacy, has been elusive in my life. I get close, very close, then pull back. It's safer that way....if you don't love completely, you won't be hurt when they leave..all goes back to the death of my father at 11, and mom at 13, i suppose.
Rikk called last night, and i could feel his unease, too. It took us ten minutes to slip into warmth,because i wasn't my warm,wicked self..more cautious, and cool. Just like my astrological namesake, the crab..withdrawing into my shell..I gathered my courage and told him what i was feeling, instead of holding it in like i normally would do. Ah, connection again...mentally sitting in his lap, my head on his shoulder..And that's the best i am going to get, right now.....Later

Thursday Night~~
Ah, fresh out of the shower, delicious! Girly style, too, not my no nonsense work shower in the am...Took my time slathering soap, sang with the plastic fish radio pasted to the shower wall, and afterwards a lavish creaming with lotions and oils. So here i sit, damp-haired and sweet, ready to call it a day. I lied...i didn't go play. I compromised, called the yard work play, and cleaned out the garage. That is one horrible place. Spiders, lots and lots of spiders. Big ones, skinny legged ones, suspicious black widow types and all of them just eyeballing me...No one can tell me they are like other insects. Roaches, centipides, bees, earwigs...i can face them with barely a shudder, but put me within two feet of a spider and i am jumping and doing that primal fight or flight posturing. You know why? They are smart, that's why. They think. They feel, and they know i am afraid. What better way to get a chuckle then to jump on a giant? Better yet, one with yards of hair to run rampant in. Yuck. At least it's done. Things to leave for Todd and Kimberly on the left, things to sell in the center, things to take to maryland on the right. One more big thing accomplished...My book is calling, my water is ice cold, and my feet are going to be UPPPPPPPP. Later.

Thursday afternoon~~
So many things to see!!!!!!!Bumblebee's burrowed under the shed, where they nest(one great big fat momma bee, and smaller ones laden with honey)I didnt know they could nest underground! Yellow and purple butterflies, and dragonflies lighting on the fairy perched on the wishing well. The first italian plum tomatoes, only a thumb long, laughing at their slower brothers, the beefsteak and grape tomatoes..First little hot peppers, getting ready to spark and fire, heating up the summer palate, later to be twisted into an edible wreath.
Three times i thought i saw an animal watching me, hanging with me., something reddish the size of a raccoon. Must have been a shadow...because when i turned to look nothing was there. I am too happy to eat, as i play outside...or...is it work disguised as play? the best of two worlds....later.

Thursday Morning,again~~
The sky is a washed out blue, with rich,strong sunlight filtering through the maples in the backyard. There is a window to my left, nose-level, and i often gaze outside, be it sun or moon. I have on my too-tight running shorts, and a baggy old mow the lawn, play in the garden tshirt. I love my days off....I promise myself not to get caught up in errands or work today...I need to PLAY....later.

Thursday Morning~~
Woken up by sharp little love bites by baby orange kitty. At my feet, Link, black as night, bright green eyes fixed on me. Coconut by my head, purring. Quite the feline nest last night, apparently. Morning ritual as they led the way into the kitchen.."sorry, kittys, you know the routine, no food til the coffee's going" They wind around my legs, meowing pitifully, as i spoon the coffee into the pot. They hear the CLICK of the on button, and their meowwwww's crescendo..knowing their breakfast is almost here..
Life's little routines, lovely.

Wednesday Night~~ it's late for me, and i am very tired. I read a blog tonight that made me very sad, and it made me think of something that happened yesterday that made me sad, too. A woman came into the store, harried, blonde,no makeup..She looked distracted, yet intent, a woman on a mission. Great, i thought, "another low-end sale". Shame on me. I am there to help, to facilitate, regardless of wheither it is 200 dollars or two thousand. She wanted a sturdy wooden daybed, and we picked one out together. She gave the daybed a firm shake, and decided it would be perfect. Then she told me her story....
It was for her daughter, 21. A pixie girl, with long brown hair and smiling dark eyes. She had seizures, and last sunday had been a record, 56 in a 24 hour period. She didn't have long left to live, and her mom wanted her safe and comfortable.
I tried to write the invoice, but my eyes were filled up. Her daughter had a bad dose of serum as a baby, and it had caused massive damage. I thought of my own situations, my worries about my children, and realized how lucky i was. I saw God's hands, opened wide,showing me, once again, all i have to be thankful for.
I told her i would pray for her daughter., and i thanked her. Angels come in so many different ways. We just have to open our hearts...and see.
Later.

Tuesday Night~~
Listening to classic R&B...Sam & Dave.,"Hold on, I'm Coming"..I am dancing in my seat, doing a solitary flirt, pouting my lips and swinging my hips. I am glad no one can see me, because i know men have testosterone,but we women, well, when we are feeling..(hot, sultry, sexy,) I don't think we can attribute it to a simple hormone...it involves our WHOLE BEING.
It must be the moon..it is almost full, a luminous Necco disc, just ripe for licking.Best i stay in my seat, swaying to the music, letting my fingers caress the keyboard, safely.
(sorry, george) George is my brother. My only brother. My baby brother. He reads this every day, my first devotee. I promised myself one thing when i began writing...that i would never censor this blog. Having George read this is a challenge, because it's like looking your priest or your child in the eye and discuss ...well, the things that make me a total female. I tend to show a pollyanna self to the world...That Catholic upbringing sure raises it's head sometimes!
Oh, great...Barry White just started playing. I love Barry White. Men scoff at him, but, he knows what women want. His voice is insistant, encouraging, he tells us to "do it" he says he will keep us pleased, he tells us he is focused entirely on us...we are SPECIAL..
This is terrible. I never intended to write this tonight, actually, i was planning on writing about WHERE i write...to discribe the room, to let you into the writing place...The oyster where the pearl sits.I am speechless. This blog has taken on a life of itself....Later......

YEAHHHHH Kimberly helped me click and drag...this is the beach in MARYLAND...hugs and kisses, Kim..... 

Monday Night~~
Ok. I admit it. Not only am i hooked on blogging, i am hooked on the comments i get from blogging. I look forward to checking to see if anyone has read this. It's like christmas morning every day, tiptoeing to the tree.
Really rotten day at work. Since my bangup return from holiday 4 days ago, it's been one lowend customer after another...excruciating. To top it off, another 2,000 dollar cancelation, (just didnt like it, went back to their old latex bed) and the 4,800 thous. tempurpedic king adjustable sale that was delivered today was defective. JEESHHH! That was going on this month's delivered, but not now. To top it off, the customer refused to pay the balance, until it's fixed. I understand, of course...but that means our product is sittting in HER house, not paid for. Guess i am back in the hot seat again. sigh.
Oh well, what is it that i say with unflagging optimism? Tomorrow, always tomorrow, will be another day.......Into the tub i go, vanilla bubbles and some hot earl grey tea.......later.

Monday Morning~~
Rough morning. Long discussion with J. on maryland, life, you name it. At his exact age i was stealthily planning my escape from Alabama. Alabama was where i was shipped, with my brother and sister, after my mom died. A very bad place.........
Am i ready to talk about it? I don't know. Time to put on my happy face and go sell beds. Wearing a soft yellow sweater, with pearl and citrine earrings that my cousin Kelly gave me years ago. I guess i am a true cancerian...i never forget a kindness, and even though i might forgive an injustice, i never forget that, either...Off to work i go.

Sunday afternoon~~
I just got home from work, and i find myself filled with a divine discontentment. I just want to GO....i don't want to finish up all the stuff here in michigan...I hate having to work at the mattress store for the rest of the summer. If i could magically find 10,000 dollars, that would be all it would take...to set up the account to take care of the house here, to buy a decent vehicle, to pay bills and have a bit of a cushion to start off with....How can somebody that works so hard be poor? It all goes back to "work smarter, not harder", i guess. I have given too much away, of my material things, and my talents, to have accrued the bank account i need right now. I am feeling very alone and meloncholy. Nothing to do with those feelings, except channel them into pressing forward, to my goal.
These are the times i submerge, while the storm rages above the blue line of the water. I lose my legs, and my powerful mermaid tail propels me forward..I open my lips slightly, and the cold water swirls in my mouth. My arms stroke tightly, and i dive to the bottom, with my pearls touching the sand. I am peaceful, home, with tiny seahorses clinging to my hair, heralding my progress. I am peaceful, home.No, i am just a crazy girl, trying to make it all work.

Sunday Morning~~
I didn't go to the graduation party last night. My motives for going bothered me. The only reason i was going to go was for political reasons, to keep a tenative hold on my job. Instead, i sent a giftcard, and let it go. I went home and cooked, greek grilled chicken breasts, meatloaf, and sirloin burgers. I puttered around my house, and even read a chapter in my mystery book. My girlfriend Mary heard i was moving to maryland, and invited me over for a long overdue chat. We have been friends for years, the kind of friends that know no boundries of time or commitment, always able to connect, regardless. We drank coffee on her deck in the dark, snuggled in blankets against the chill michigan air. I will miss her.

Saturday Morning~~
It's bright, and so beautiful out today. I wish i could stay home and enjoy the fruits of yesterday's labors, but, work calls. Afterwards, we are all going to the boss's son's graduation party. I don't want to go. It will be the first time i have seen him since the old-lady-with-the-bed/denying me the credit card fiasco. Oh well, ought to be interesting. Later......

Friday NIght~~
I stayed outside all day today..There was more work then i thought! But it was a pleasure, working my muscles, making everything tidy and healthy as the sun shone down on me. I'm tired now, though. Just the dishes and clean the bathroom...a few minutes of that mystery novel, and zzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Friday Morning~~
Just after 8 am and i already have half the backyard mowed.All my flowerbeds need weeding, and i think all my green babies have missed me. I have a MILLION things to do today, on my day off. I am just going to take it one step at a time..or else i will fall prey to overload and overwhelm, and get nothing accomplished but a case of nerves. Maybe tonight a picnic dinner under the willow tree at Swan park...It's a beautiful spot where the lake meets the land, the best of two worlds. I will bring a no-brainer mystery novel, and let go of all the excitement in my head for awhile. That is, if i get the gardening, cleaning, cooking, bill paying, blah, blah blah done first...Later!

Thursday Nite~~
One more, just one more blog for the nite. I want to tell a story about when i was traveling in Morocco at 22..I was traveling with my boyfriend, Bob, and we were in Marrekeesh, deep in the medina. You can get lost in the medina, or marketplace, forever. Narrow , ancient brick walkways, covered, so the impression was of a maze, impossible to track. We sat in a tiny shop, with a merchant who dealt in oriental rugs. He served us hot mint tea in tiny cups, so sweet it made my teeth ache. Bob was ten years older then i, and fancied himself a great negotiator.(He later became my first husband, but, THAT'S another story). All the while, our arab host with his dark, steamy eyes kept sweeping messages towards me. Bob was a very jelous man, and we had just had a whopping arguement that morning about our travel plans. Hamid reached into his jealoba(traditional man's coat) and pulled out a handful of gems. I was dumbfounded! He asked for me in trade, the rugs and the gems, for me. I looked deep in Bob's eyes, and i knew that for JUST ONE SECOND he wanted to trade me. It is one thing to fantasize about being taken into white slavery, another thing to live the posibility..I gave him that "couple" look....a look that said"if you don't get me out of here right this minute i will make your life so miserable you will wish you were never born" Bob told him i was "too valuable" to trade..We got the rugs, though. We had them shipped back to the states, and when we divorced, i gave them to him. Very few people know that story...but i can still taste the tea, i can still feel the fear and the excitement, i can still see the colours of the gems sparkling in his large, brown hand....Later..

thursday nite~~
I know my brother reads my blogs, and i occasionally make him blush. (Sorry, George.) My sensuality will always be a part of me, i breathe it. I feel very sorry for women who worry about their age..you are always sexy, always beautiful, if you just see the different seasons as beautiful unto themself. Who can tell me that spring is more beautiful then fall? That one perfect red leaf, fallen from a tree, is more exquistite then the yellow daffodil of spring? The lushness of a red tomato from a hot july garden more glorious then the first snowfall of winter?Each are perfect. Each are exquisite. Each are delicious. The trick is to pick the right people.. in the right seasons, to appreciate it with. I don't have to cut my hair because i am not young anymore. I don't have to try to be serious, and wear sensible shoes. I like little lacy panties and jeans. I will wear them till i am eighty. And, of course, my pearls.
Maybe a cold bath for the mermaid tonight....later......

Thursday nite~~
There is nothing like a warm little pussycat asleep on your lap.Little orange kitty is snuggled up, and i love it. I couldn't wait to get home and write...the last two days were tough ones at work. I had a comfort return yesterday, which means you have to help someone choose a new mattress, find a way to not LOSE money by them choosing a less expensive set, and do it as quickly as possible so you don't lose an "up" while you are doing it. Handled alot of customer service issues too, and followed up with manufacturers.
Today, my first task was to process another cancelation...a king tempurpedic set of mine...2,ooo dollars , POOF! gone from my commission. What can you do? i could have let it make me miserable, but, a salesperson who looks defeated IS defeated, so i kept up my spirits. Twin after twin mattress sales "What's your cheapest twin?" was the mantra today...while Pat had people coming in saying "I need two queen sets, one for me and one for my wife, and a full set for the guest room"..JEEESHHHHHH! I still did my best, and kept my faith that God will take care of me tucked tight to my heart, because, somehow, He always does.
The ultimate temptation came at five minutes to nine pm, just FIVE minutes before closing time. One of Garry's customer's came in with his card to show her husband the bed she had looked at on tuesday with him. For a minute, i was tempted...It would have been so easy to chat them up, have them try a few more beds, and take half the sale.Doing the wrong thing is so easy to rationalize..."but he has stolen so much from me!" "but, i gave him extra ups tuesday because he couldnt sell a thing!" The bottom line is, two wrongs don't make a right. I wrote up the sale in his name, only.God will take care of me, right? sigh....later.

Wednesday Night~~
I am lonely tonight. I want to be held, to be kissed, to have someone put their arm around me because i am their lady.I am tired of being strong, and capable, and the rock others depend on. I have made my choice to be with Rikk, and to be loyal and loving though we are seperated, so, i will have to deal with it. Time for a long bath and bubbles and a serious peptalk with myself. Guess i am just tired of being a "one". Later...

Wednesday Morning~~
Wanted to mention...Remember the little old lady who wanted to return her bed? After all that fuss (and i am still in trouble over it!) Lenny told me they took it back, and charged her 250.00 for the trouble. She ended up happy with the store, and they are going to donate the mattress for a tax write-off. It would have been so much easier if they had done that in the first place, like i suggested...oh, well...it ended okay, and that's what matters.
G. was back to his old self, grouchy and negative.Deb and Lenny seem to be deepening their business relationship, and Dave is still in the hospital..Me? I was totally focused on sales, and let all else float away. I laughed and made friends with all the strangers who came through the door, just by being myself. I wrote 3,400.~~ not a bad day at all.Time to jump in the shower and do it again...later.

Wednesday morning~~
Stayed up too late last night, talking to Todd and his girlfriend. He mentioned his left arm was aching, and that scared me. When he was 11, he was diagnosed with ventricular tachycardia. In essence, its a misfire in the heart's electrical system,causing it to race. He took pills to control it for 5 years, and then at 16 decided he was healed...It was a miracle, because, he WAS. That was a tough 5 years, not knowing if my child was going to die, and trying to just go about the everyday business of life.
Those first days of his illness, the ride in the ambulance, the week in intensive care..no money, no insurance, and a husband who came to the hospital reeking of vodka..Prayer was my constant companion,my way through it all..as it remains today.

the mountains as i traveled... 

Tuesday Morning~~
Good Morning, world! Before first impressions fade, more on maryland. We arrived friday, mid afternoon. I walked up the wide brick steps to the porch, and into the house.. A dream come true..There were the sunlit rooms with buttercream walls and high ceilings. Creaky oak floors and cutglass doorknobs. The fireplace, and the dining room built for good food, laughter, and best of all, family. And that was the essence of the whole trip.Family, that ever expanding tribe I belong to.
The natural beauty of the area? Imagine walking on a sugursand beach, with a herd of wild ponies beside you. Listen to the sea whisper it's secrets. Smell the salt in the air, as the wind blows your hair.
It's calling me home.

Sunday Night.~
Home safe. Too tired, too wired, to write. I am just going to copy the beginning of my trip, that i wrote longhand, in desperation to blog, thursday nite.
Thursday, 10pm.
" I am writing this in true mermaid fashion, sitting in the bathtub of the Red Roof Inn, in Monroeville,Pa.The tub is not deep, but the water is hot, and embraces me. Justin and I should still be on the road, about 2 hours from Berlin, Md, but we ran into such ferocious rain in the mountains we finally said," Enough."
What has me still shaking, though, is this. We left at 2pm, sunny skies and high spirits. Justin is a fabulous copilot, and played music that perfectly fit our mood. At 7:15 pm, we stopped for gas, and that's when the sky began to gush. Twice I lost sight, as a sheet of water covered the windshield. No choice, just grip the wheel and point forward, unseeing. We had just gotten into the Pittsburgh area, which is near the Allegany Mountains.Traffic stopped, and then we saw it...A red compact car, crushed, with 4 firemen and the jaws of life, trying to extract a woman trapped in the drivers seat. One minute later,we gazed in horror at the cause... a semi, flipped, wheels still spinning..Who hit who? Was it the rain, jetting 10 feet high over the median, and the flash flood spilling over the roadway? Was it the darkening mountain mist, or the foolishness of 80 miles an hour in hazardous conditons? And what about me, so frightened and so game, traveling these mountains that others take for granted,( not afraid to drive? )All I know is, 15 minutes before we saw the accident, J. and I were alone on the freeway, somehow escaping the rush of cars. The clouds had rolled in, the sky black as pitch to the east, where we were headed.And suddenly, there it was, a perfect double rainbow, framed by mountain mist and placid farmland. I slowed, and J. shot pictures, in awe of the magic in the sky. Did that 15 minutes keep US from being that little red car? That was the slim window of opportunity. Did the angels save us?Was it just simple timing? Hmmn.....
And that was the start of the trip....tomorrow, always tomorrow., this mermaid is going to take off her clothes, snuggle deep in her familiar, lovely bed...and sleep. Later..

Thursday afternoon~~
This mermaid is swimming to the open sea. Please pray for a safe and illuminating trip. I will be back on monday. I miss you all...and i dont even know who you are. (but i am going to try to find a library with internet access, lol.)I am ready. I am scared. I am going.

Wednesday Night~~
Sleepy, sensual, tired, tonight. The eve of a trip(anywhere) makes me excited...What will i see? what will i feel? what will i learn? I confess, i am terrified of driving. I am terrified of being a woman alone. I am terrified...well, of the unknown. But, i am doing it anyway. If i didn't, it would be like refusing to grow a garden, because a bee might sting you. Is the sting fatal? Or is it just a pinch, grown to gargantuan proportians because of the fear of the stinger?
I said i was sleepy...that's understandable, with my work schedule. Sensual?Adventure always makes me feel wicked, wild, ready. Tired? Oh, lord, i am not packed or finished everything.....I am going to give it up. Braid my hair.(it's too hot). Brush my teeth. Say my prayers. My prayer is..."dear God, bless this journey." Amen. ....Later

Wednesday Morning~~
Here i am, doing my fine and well practiced Chicken Little impersonation. So much to do!! I just keep clucking and running in circles. The two back to back 11 hour work days don't help(today will be three,jeezzz...Justin gets an "atta boy" today..Last night i came home to a clean house, and dinner cooked..his first lone attempt at culinary genius. Roasted boneless pork ribs in a savory lemon pepper au jus with mushrooms. I avoid pork, but, it was excellant! He said he was exhausted, and cleaning house was hard work..HA! It did my heart good to see him on his hands and knees, cleaning the bathroom floor. Walk in my moccassins, little indian, it's good for you. I want to write more, but, off to work i go...

Tuesday Night~~
They say that men think about sex every 5 minutes. I have asked men i know about that statistic, and they usually nod "yes" but fail to go into any detail. Could it be true? The only thing i can think of is that we women are wired very differently, because, i know I don't think about sex every 5 minutes. Maybe the other part of that is the penis. I mean, we are tucked in...and tuck ourselves in even tighter with panties and pantyhose.To pee can be a ritual in itself, peeling the layers. But a man? He wakes up more often then not with a lovely exclamation mark of his maleness, and every time he moves, feels the weight and swing. I wish, just for a tiny second, i could have one, because it looks like so much fun to play with!(attached, i mean)I am glad i am a woman, though. I like being secret, and protected, and not easy to get to. I have no earthly idea why i even thought of this subject tonight..Maybe it was the ride home from work, the sun a violent tangerine circle, plunging into the coulds. It made me think of passion,of possession, of entrance. I miss Rikk. I hesitate to write this, because i know i am showing part of that secret me, that i don't share. It's too late now. I will write, i will write, i WILL write. Later...

Monday Damn Night~~
I am not finished. What Dave (the boss) did to me, demoralized Garry and Debbie. They both offered me their credit cards,(which i refused). Instead, i told them"let this be a lesson to you...if he can do this to me, he can do it to you." A funeral pall settled over the store, and I don't think Dave will ever recoup from the loss of security each of us felt.
But, naive little never giving up warrior that i am....I found a car company that will take my cash(and my debit card)...It is not final yet, but i will try tomorrow. And for those of you that are laughing, (though i am sure not maliciously)..It is Hertz....in case you ever have the need to rent a car without all the approved credit to do so. See how it works? I just gave a referral to Hertz...Enterprize gets a thumbs down., because of their stringent requirements...and the place i work? well.....who was it that said it so eloquently? " instant karma's gonna get you.". I am finished now.....thank God for Moonlight sonata...as it cools this passionate fire of mine.

Monday Night~~
When the cosmic wrecking ball hits, why aren't we given at least a "HEAD'S UP!!" Today I finalized my reservations to rent a car for the trip to maryland this thursday...My boss was letting me use the company credit card for the hold they place while the car is being used, because my credit card balance is so tiny. Today he told his son, (from his hospital bed) NO...forget it...i am not helping her. I was so shocked, i was speechless. It was because of my defense of the little old lady with the adjustable bed, i am sure. He thought i was trying to defy him, but, really, it was a confusing situation, with him giving me all sorts of alternatives, and me choosing the one(in my distress) that sounded the most workable. He STILL doesnt see the sense in helping her, giving her her money back. I am going to make a F@***ing horrible witness to THAT law suit, for, so help me God, i will be on her side, regardless of my personal repurcussions. What is right is right, and it is NOT right to be so insensitive to a sick old woman. I wish i was rich! I could fix this in a new jersey minute.DAMN IT!!!!!!!!!!!
So, i spent half the day composed, half the day running outside, crying. Quite the feat for a salewoman. ..WE have to be happy, exude confidence in our selves, our store, our product.000000000000000000000000hhhhhhhhhhhh Life, doing the right thing, can be so hard.

Monday Morning~~
Who did little Peter Rabbit see? Another Big person, but this one spoke softly"where is your mum, little rabbit? Are you all alone?" Peter's nose switched,and his little ears wiggled, which was rabbit talk for "i am all alone, and hungry" Each day the Big person with the soft voice brought water and apples to little Peter. He let her get closer and closer to him, because he knew she wouldn't hurt him. Another big person started to come, and she brought him apples and carrots and even broccoli!Peter grew bigger and bigger, and began to hop through the grass towards the big fence where he last saw his mum, but he always came back to his little cave to sleep.He dreamed of a great adventure, hopping away from the cave to find his mum and brothers and sisters. (((Hmnnn...how to end the story?)I don't want peter in a rabbit stew, i dont want him to leave the cave yet, either))) Well, we will just have to wait and see....Later.

Sunday Night~~
I think i want to tell a story. I am enjoying so much, the daily bits and pieces and thoughts i have...but, truth be told, i am boring myself a little. I have been thinking about creating a new blog, a kind of adult one, that is all about sexuality....But, i think that is something to come at a later date. It is raw enough to show myself in this blog, naked as it makes me feel, without a blog devoted just to sex. But, sex is so good, so joyous, so wicked, so spiritual, that i know that one is going to birth itself from this site, regardless of my puritan protests to the contrary.
Just a little tiny step...a story tonight for children...a modern day Peter Rabbit...
Once upon a time, in a little town surrounded by lakes, little ones and big ones and lakes that came suddenly around corners, there lived a little rabbit named Peter.
This was a lonely little rabbit. His mum and 6 brothers and 2 sisters lived in a thicket of trees, against a tall fence. He was just a tiny rabbit, and could fit in the hand of a little boy of 5 or so. One day, two great big Men came, with large roaring lawnmowers and weedwackers, and scared Peter's mum and brothers and sisters. "RUN! RUN! said his mum, and everyone flew, on their tiny fast legs, with their cottonball tails bobbing through the grass. Peter thought his sisters and brothers were behind him, as his heart beat fast and he ran. He ended up next to a tall building, with a crumbling porch and a black iron railing. Quickly he darted under the porch, which was a like a safe little cave. He turned around, expecting his mum, his brothers, his sisters, but all he saw was the legs of the big men, and heard the roar of the mower.
He was alone....He cried, little rabbit tears and sighs, and fell asleep.The next morning, he ventured out...Who did he see???(to be continued) Later....

Sunday Morning~~
ONE HUNDRED TIMES!!Thank you blogger, for giving me this place.I have always loved to write, but never have written consistantly, faithfully. My writing has always been a one-night stand, passionate and then forgotten. THIS feels like a marriage.Slept a solid ten hours last night, and i feel great! Have to work today, but it's an easy day, only 7 hours, instead of my normal 10-11.I hear a redbird out in the trees. Time for a happy walk to start my day.....Later.

Saturday Night~~
This is the first painful blog i have written. Painful, because i am so tired, and i have so much to do...so much, in fact, that i am a cat chasing her tail. But i have promised myself to write everyday, (at least if i am physically near the computer) and now, with the advent of audio blog, even that block is lifted.
So, so, tired...i have been grocery shopping, and the house is full of boxes half packed, my hurried whirlwind to get everything done,instead,leaving everything half done. I long for long blocks of time, to do things properly, but, i don't think that luxury is mine for the taking right now.
I want to watch a movie, i want to finish everything up...but, i think i will just sleep...Last night my stalwart plan of sleeping at ninepm went awry...J. woke me at midnight, needing to talk, needing a healing, and then i couldnt sleep til five am. Up again at 7am, and i have been going nonstop since then.Sometime soon i will write about this strange healing ability i have, but right now, i guess my best advise is"physican, heal thyself"...The hippocratic oath...that we all should follow. Thanks to my posters, for giving me their feelings, their observations, as i lie upon the bottom of the sea, barely swiping my tail, against the sand, against the tide., once again.

Friday morning~~
Still raining,gently, and cool. I usually think it's a cosmic slap when it rains on my day off, but today i am accepting it as a sign to keep working inside.I came across a photo tucked into a book while i was sorting yesterday. It was me, standing on a rocky incline in Greece, when i was 22. An ancient column to my left,an expanse of blue sky behind me.I am looking squarely at the camera,and a wind blows my skirt and hair. I am smiling faintly, confidently. Today, there is no ancient column, no windswept sky, but i am the same woman today as then. Ready to adventure, still able to smile. Later....

THURSDAY NITE~~
Drinking water from my crystal glass...with a lovely glass of Fortissimo on the side. I have decided today, without seeing the house, that i am moving to Maryland. I have been anxious that i can't afford it, but, i am letting the fear go. I trust my sister and brother-in-law. All will be well and as it should be. I packed my first box! I felt a tightening in my stomach as i packed, and my ears were perked up, like a horse ready for a ride. I surprised myself...who was that organized lady who listed each item on a legal pad, then typed 2 copies, (one for a master list/one taped to the box) to facilitate the move? It was ME! Justin started to mutter little panic stricken mumbles when he saw me pack,about not going. I told him he would be 18 in 2 months, it was his choice....but, if i was in his shoes, i'd go. And, in scarlet's famous line, "frankly, my dear, i don't give a damn"...i didn't say it, but that is what i was thinking....it's time for an adventure, for new people and places, time to leave a home and make a home....time for sand and sea and sky.
I have 2 big boxes for the garage sale that is postponed...but, at least i will be ready when it happens. The mortgage guy called again...am 98% sure of the refinance now...with an interest rate lowered over 4%. Looks like all is pointing at me moving between Sept 1st and the 15th...As far as the trip next week, well, i am still praying....taxes due on june 14th...maybe a greyhound? ride the dog? that should be cheap...i will check into it tomorrow...Tomorrow? did i say tomorrow? ah, the beauty of hope, of tomorrows, of trying until you get it right. later....

Thursday Morning~~
Bleary eyed and wildhaired this morning..I stayed up reading half the night, lulled by the sound of the rain outside my window. Sometimes i just have to read all night...the house breathes in slower rhythmn, and so do i. And today? No garage sale for me. Still raining, and cool, and gray. Perhaps a blessing in disguise, because it will force me inside the house, to clean and organise and start packing.Good news on the refinance yesterday...I am 90% there. I have been juggling finances so often and for so long,sigh. I am amazed at my resourcefulness., my calm and daring under fire, lol. I just hope i can juggle high and fast enough to go to maryland next week....so, with that thought in mind, time to pay bills and see what's left in the cookie jar.....later

Wednesday Morning~~
Yesterday was such a hellish day. Someone is always in the hotseat at work, and it was my turn yesterday. It is so poisenous there. Why can't i learn to brown-nose like everyone else? With my face, it's impossible. Every emotion shows through.Customer service problem again..My 84 year old sickly lady hated her adjustable bed and wanted to return it. I knew for 2 weeks that it was a bomb ready to go off..brought it to their attention, but no one would address it. The boss ranted and raved, saying he wouldn't take it back without a 200 dollar charge, then he wasn't taking it back at all, ect. I called her and told her we would take it back, and i would personally pay the 200 charge. That was when he REALLY hit the roof...because he didn't want to take it back at all. Horrible. The profit could be made up by my loss of comission and the 200 dollars,and selling the base at least as a floor model. Instead, he is going to give a sweet old lady a stroke. I was so upset i went and got my check, ready to walk. I sat at my desk, tears of rage gathering in my eyes,trying to will my legs from walking. As i sat there, the boss held meetings with Debbie, then his son, then Pat, about me. He held them in his office, way at the other end of the store, so at least i was alone. I kept convincing myself of all the reasons to stay, while my heart said GO!! For once, my head ruled, and i will stay there until i accomplish my goals. Then home to a screwed up computer, what a day..!Now it's time to go back, one more day of hell before my two days off. Oh well, i can do it. Later...

Wednesday Morning~~
I am so tired now...but VICTORIOUS!! any second the rotten modem might kick out, but, i managed to teach myself audioblog, and at least get on for a bit. So sorry, Diva, the damn computer kicked out as we were talking...It might go out for good, at least until they send the new modem 5 days from now....but, i will keep trying....
Off to bed., its so very late, and i am so very stressed, and my room will be dark and hot. I sleep so quickly, so soundly, that this past week of tossing and waking and sweating has me cranky and off kilter. But, if you read this blog regularly, you know my motto..."Tomorrow, always tomorrow"" curling up to sleep, now.....later

Tuesday Morning~~
I am ready to go to work, all jazzed up in pink and pearls and black leather pumps. It happened again with the redbird. I was watering in the backyard, idly watching the spray of water, thinking about my earlier post, when i heard that distinctive bird voice"pretty, pretty, pretty" I called out to the green of the trees "I hear you, you are so beautiful" And there he was. He flew out of the trees, landing on a telephone wire not three feet from me. He looked at me, sang again, and looked some more.I was spellbound. He flew off, and i was left with an eerie feeling. What is he trying to tell me?

Tuesday Morning~~
Why am i a mermaid? The summer i turned 11, my family lived in a split ranch in northern new jersey. Our backyard was framed by woods, and a huge willow tree. But the best part was our pool, 5 foot deep, above ground, with a ladder and pump. I would wake up in the morning, early, before anyone else, put on my bathing suit and swim. Not on the surface, but under the water, gliding and turning, with my hair flowing behind me. I taught myself to breathe deep and hold it, counting the seconds,trying to turn into a mermaid. The bottom of the pool wasn't blue vinyl, but sand. My companions were starfish and seahorses, and i searched clams for the perfect pearl. I was safe under the water, no pain, no fear, no illness. Topside, in the footed world, life wasn't so sweet. My father was dying of cancer,and my oldest sister's room had been transformed into his dying place. To enter that room...the smell of disinfectant, of sadness, of life leaking out, one breath at a time...I would curl up next to him, carefully, because he hurt so much, and he would whisper that he loved me.He told me to be a brave girl, and that everything would be alright. But it wasn't alright.He died one month later. So i let go of Lisa, and became a mermaid.The time that followed? That's another story.....

Monday Night~~
As i write this, my newest k-mart dumpster kitty is curled into a tiny orange ball on the ottoman under the computer desk. He is still nameless, because our cats choose their own names as their personalities unfold. He nibbles at my toes, still in my brown tights from work, and tucks himself into the curve of my instep.Perhaps he will grow up with a foot fetish? Coconut, my huge white kitty, still sleeps best in the waves of my hair spread against the pillow.Perhaps little orange will be at my toes.
It's time to tell why i am a Mermaid in the currents...oh dear., i am getting so interrupted...let me publish this., and maybe in a few minutes i can come back...sigh

Monday Morning~~
I feel like playing hookie from work so bad that i can taste the words on my lips-"Sorry, not coming in today, the sun is shining and i want to be free" Not going to happen. I haven't called in sick since i was 18 years old. And that was because i had to sleep sometime!Just took a happy walk in my backyard..A happy walk is barefoot, naked under a cotton robe,with my coffee in my hand. I know my neighbors think i am eccentric, but i just don't care. The sunflowers are popping up! What a sight they will be, a whole family of them, yellow and red and brown, short and tall and in between, smiling at all who walk by. The spinach by the backdoor is sprouting, too, and the tomatoes and peppers have their first flowers.
Thanks to the anonymous poster, whoever you are...i enjoyed your insight-and it gave me quite the authoresque tingle.There is so much i want to write about, i can barely contain it all. Sometimes my brain feels like a jewelry box. I look inside and there are necklaces twisted together, and lone pins and sparkles of stones, pieces i have forgotten i have, and broken bits that i can't bear to throw out.What to choose? What to discard? What feels like it wants out of the box? Lately only my pearls will do. They ground me as i feel them against my neck, they comfort me when i lift them to my lips.Tiny moons on a string, beauty nestled deep from the sea. I have to go.....Time to shower, time to change from barefoot to heels, time to bind back my hair.....

Sunday Morning~~
I have been up since 6am, drinking coffee, browsing the web, while my mind races towards what i need to accomplish this day, this week, this month, and beyond. Yikes! It's like i never sit still.
The yard looks wonderful. The grass is thick and green, tidy and well kept. Flowers everywhere, pinks and purples and a rainbow of zinnias. Moonbeam white petunias, cool and fullfaced, take the edge off the riot of color and texture. Now it's time for the inside. First, garage sale this friday. What to keep, what to sell, what to morph into something unique and different? Money realized from the sale towards painting the ceilings and walls. A soft, creamy white...everywhere, with pale yellow in the kitchen.
Had a difficult conversation with Rikk on the phone last night. It is so much easier for me to communicate with women then with men. Sometimes i feel like pulling out a translation dictionary, because i just don't understand what he is trying to say. I end up trying to ferret out the REAL meaning,( whether there is one or not). It is probably the difference in our personalities. I wear my heart on my sleeve, his is tucked deep in his pocket. It's a challenge for me to stay present, and not withdraw, when i sense i feel stronger about us then he does. When i think i am going to get hurt, i assume the airplane crash position,tucked into a crouch, vital organs protected, head down. Perhaps it would be better to just strap on a parachute and get ready to skyfly then crash and burn...At least that way, you get the beauty of the flight. Later...

Saturday Morning~~~
I slept deep,and entered that secret world of dreams where all rules of reality are broken. I was in my house, though it didn't look like my house. I walked to the window, and examined the white curtains. They were bulky and didn't fit the window frame, and i ran my hand along the wall. Embedded under the flowered wallpaper i found an intentation of the original curtain rod.It excited me, and i planned on tearing off the wallpaper to get to the original...I disolved into a field, where a little darkhaired girl waved to me excitedly. Her father was a movie producer,filming an empty ballfield behind a metal fence. I helped her pick a bouquet of wildflowers,beautiful daisies and tiny buttercups and a large,tuliplike blossom. I handed them to her, and she ran to offer them to her father, bursting with happiness.....I dissolved again, this time to another house. Again it belonged to me, and i looked at it with a restless eye. The basement stair was unsafe, hanging by one nail. Could i fix it? A group of people entered the house, and one fixed the stair instantly. We were a test group,each given specific tasks to accomplish as part of our mission. I was told what to do, but i couldn't hear. "What?" i said. Two more times i asked.The person handling out the tasks looked at me and shook her head in disgust. I felt my being raise up in anger, and i gave her a tongue lashing that made everyone become silent. She apologized, and gave me my assignment. I knew she didn't expect the lion to emerge from my meek demeanor previously, and my tasks were amended.Dissolved again....and i was out performing my tasks..They were physical, mental and emotional. I was crafty like a fox, alone,and determined. The few of us that passed to the finals were given a final task. We had to sit, eyes closed, and have a personal encounter with the animals chosen that best fit our talents and personalities. I was frightened...would i open my eyes to a snake, a tiger, a lion? When i opened my eyes,nestled against my legs were a collection of small woodland creatures..rabbits and groundhogs and a beaver. I sat still, and they somehow nourished themselves against me. My eyes closed again, and when i opened them, i felt peaceful and powerful. The woodland creatures were gone,and my white cat was in their place. I woke up for real then, hot and covered in a sheen of sweat, like i had been running. Crazy dream, eh? Later......

Friday Night~~
Just home an hour or so ago from my little trip to canada. I almost didn't come back, sigh. I love it so much there...To tired to write much, it's a three hour drive each way...but, alot to write about...Most importantly, Rikk got a new mural to paint!! I am so happy for him....I am going to crawl into bed...i need time to think, to dream, to be alone with my heart. Later........

Wednesday Nite~~
Came home to a dirty house, sigh. If only they would realize how happy it makes me to finish my work week without having to start my home-week., cleaning. I don't mind a bit of a mess., but, jeesh. Do the dishes! Clean up! I can't do it all.
Work was as i expected. I wish i just could put my feet up, and take it easy. Not going to happen. Might as well get to work. I feel too discouraged to write. Well, maybe later....and there is always tomorrow, right?

Wednesday Morning~~
I am curious. Does anyone read this blog? There is a little comment box if you scroll down to the end of the page. Click on it, and let me know. I don't care if you even leave a name. Just curious..
Today will be a day of ordering, cleaning up, admin. work after yesterdays nonstop action. No one is there but Pat, Deb and I. A peaceful break, i hope..And then tonight, ah, tonight., starts my weekend. If all goes well i will brave the streets of downtown Detroit and try to get to canada by public transportation..OOPS gotta run...work calls

Tuesday Night~~
What a difference a day makes! I DID WIN!!! Ah, the evil that lurks within the hearts of men....Garry had hidden a cancelation..told the customer to think about it for another day or so...It was the sale that put him over the edge and made him win. The customer called this morning, on Garry's day off., and the owner just happened to be standing there when i took the call. He was furious, thought it was sneaky and underhanded of Garry, and declared me best salesperson.
Then I had two referral customers, relatives of people i had taken care of in the past, and by the time the day was done, i had done almost 7,000. in sales. Yippee! salespeople are superstitious, and to have that kind of a record sales day on the first of the month is considered very good luck. I thought young Pat would have a stroke..Dethroned and royally beaten in one fell swoop.All i could think of was...now i can take care of my family better...
Then i got home, exhausted but exhilerated, and recieved the credit card i had applied for in the mail. With all my credit problems the last 4 years, this was a major miracle. Yippie again!
Then Todd told me he found a new job, and starts tomorrow...and THEN...Rikk told me he got a call about a job, too...
I have been praying for those i love nonstop. I never expect God to answer the way i want, just the way He feels is best. But, sometimes i guess my prayers collide with His, and a day like this happens. all i can say is YIPPPPPPIE!!
Time for bed...I am not even going to eat..too tired, and feeling achy all over....Later...Ps. thank you, God.

Tues Morning~~
This will be one of the fastest blogs i have ever done. 5 minutes to spare before running out the door for work. OMIGOD...forgot to put my makeup on!!! gotta go.........

Monday Afternoon~~
Well, i lost. Technically, that is. I beat Pat, which was my main objective. I wanted to topple him from his unbeatable stand, best salesman for 10 months. I knew his rein would be shaky, once the playing field was leveled. He has finagled, fibbed, and and flaunted the rules Garry and I have gone by for months. The boss cracked down on him hard, and it is showing in his sales.
Garry beat me by 350.00 dollars. It wasn't too hard to swallow, because i know he did it fairly. Still, the competitve streak is pulsing within me. I wanted to win! I shook hands and played nice, just like a good girl.
I am going to go outside and plant sunflowers. Mammoth Russian, Halo, Evening Sun, and Teddy bear. One big, flamboyant garden dedicated to my last hurrah here in Michigan.
Tomorrow starts a new month. I plan to beat them ALL by 5,000 dollars at the very least. Later.

Memorial Day Morning~~
To so many americans, memorial day just means the official opening day of summer. i don't think we have the national patriotism that lets us really reflect on the memory of those who served to keep us free. Money always seems to get in the way...Memorial Day sales everywhere. We would be better served to close EVERYTHING. Give people time off to reflect, to pray, to really remember, instead of it being one more bullshit day of commercialism. I'm anxious about terrorist attacks today, too. What better day to strike? Since 911, holidays always bring to mind that terrible day, when i coulndt reach my sister or aunt in Manhattan, when the skies over detroit were eerily quiet with grounded planes, and i lost my innocence about homeland security.
And i, a foot-dragging part of the american machinery, have to work today. I am only fifty dollars away from victory as top salesperson, but it doesnt seem to mean so much anymore. Today, in my heart, as i am on the public stage, i will remember those that have died to keep me free, and pray for peace. Not peace to propagate the american way, but peace for all. We are one big sandbox of children, scrabbling for the best place to sit and the best toy. I suppose i have the naivity of a child myself. Why can't we all just share?
off to work i go.....

Sunday Morning~
Redbird!Alone on a phone wire,staring directly at me. I felt him before i saw him,and we looked in each other's eyes a full minute before he flew away. Cardinals are my mother's signal to me. Lately i keep running into Lilies of the Valley, too, her favorite flower...a tiny teacup at a garage sale,a vase at the discount store,a delicately etched sugur/creamer set. What is she trying to tell me? Just her presence is enough, but this time it's something more. Tonight, i am going to make a campfire in the yard, stay still and look into the flames, and hope for an answer...
The walk in the yard, the trimming and planting refreshed me. Time for a shower, and work.....

Sunday Morning~~
Woke up this morning achy and sore and tired. Not good! No choice but to go with the flow, anyway. Two days left of sales. It was my Saturday to get off early yesterday, and I took it. It was a dangerous thing to do, with the race for top salesman so close. I left it in God's hands and came home to work in the yard and be with the kids. T. babysat his girlfriend's little ones last night. I couldn't resist going to the store and buying a huge red ball for Leticia, and a toddler ball and bat for Diego.Couldn't resist buying them cookies and juice and snacks, either.That was the sum of my involvement, though. I let T. follow his path, and play daddy. I heard Diego crying at one point, and just smiled. Todd would come up and get me if he needed help. To his credit, he didn't.
All and all, a peaceful night, dedicated to making the house neat and pretty, and enjoying my family in the process.
It's the perfect day to lay in bed and dream. Oh well, might as well make the most of it. Outside to look at my flowers, and then on to work i go. later.

Saturday Morning~~
It's goregeous outside, one of those crystal clear days, when everything seems in sharper focus,brighter.I am listening to Clannad,a celtic group. I don't want to go back to work today. I don't want to look at any of their faces,I don't want to hear any of their voices, and i don't want to be on the selling stage. This is a bad attitude, and it's going to take alot of prayer to change the way i am feeling. Suddenly, i am reminded of one of my many past jobs. I was 28,living in Florida. Todd was a baby, and i got a job in a fancy bar down near the racetrack.The bartenders there made a ton of money, but there was a catch. We were all attractive women, and the uniform was a tiny little bikini that i could hold in one hand. I hated it! I hated having to flirt for my money, and especially hated bending over, because everytime i did, something threatened to fall out. I would drag myself to work, getting in at the last possible second,and fly out the door at the earliest moment. I lasted 5 days., even though i really needed the money, and had no other job lined up. Maybe the lesson there was to follow my heart, to not be afraid, because something better will come up. It's harder now, because experience makes me more cautious about throwing things to the wind. I am still going to, though....only this time, i will have a backup. Into the shower i go, to wash away my negativity, and whisper affirmations under the warmth of the water...later.

Friday Night~~
i am wearing my favorite nightgown, barest of pink from endless washings, with 20 little seed pearls sown into the bodice. Rikk's heavy white robe is sashed around my waist, to warm me against the chill spring air and to feel him close.
The asian fish recipe never had a chance. My neighbor, Barb, has been begged me for some stuffed cabbage, ever since i brought her some last winter. They are so good and kind to me, that, it was time to return the favor. Besides, i LOVE to feed people. I made mine special, without the rice, to stick to my diet., but, the mashed potatoes lured me in with their wicked creamyness, and seduced me with their taste.
Oh, well...i wanted to be a nun once, too...but i bet i would have broken THOSE vows, too. Now my belly is full, and if i was a cat I'd be purring. It's okay, i am seeing this more as a lifestyle, not a diet., and i will be damned if i give up mashed potatoes forever.
The boys ate, and left...J. is going camping, T. is going gallivanting.I am content in my clean, quiet house, with just the birds quietly saying goodnight to the day, and my water in my favorite crystal goblet.I am going to grab the kitten and go snuggle up....a long, peaceful sleep, because tomorrow, well tomorrow, who knows? Later.

Friday, early evening~~
No one is home! i feel like whispering, at the very least, blogging naked, if i was truly bold. The sun has returned, glorious, slipped in between my heart like a crafty lover. I didn't see it coming, because i did clean and scrub and meditate. Meditating while having one's bum high in the air, scrubbing floors, might be unorthodox, but, it sure is time efficient. I thought about what i wanted to write about, and instead i just let myself dream...I saw Todd teaching, with little ones around him, all tall gangly arms and legs askimbo,a briefcase in his hand. I saw Justin with a doorag on his head, fingers intent on his guitar strings, with the desert behind him. I saw Rikk, paintspattered overalls and 50's doowop blaring, as he made history come to life on an old brick wall.Were these prayers? Were these visions? Probably both. I do know to dream is to breathe into existence...and with that thought, i will dream for all those that i love.,that they achieve more than their most secret, wildest desires.
Me? i cannot get past walking on the beach. I can feel the grit of the sand, i can hear the surf, i smell the sharp salt. I feel like a seed, just realizing i am awake, not yet pushing my way through the earth. I just know that i am headed up.
Later....

Friday Morning~~
YEAHHHH a day off...The skies are sullen,toxic gray, but i don't care. My house is filthy, from 4 days of minimal housekeeping, but i don't care. I will scrub and shine and use it as a meditation..a mental springboard to write with. I wanted to go to canada for the day, but it's just too complicated to do without a good car, just for the day. Better to go next week, with 2 days to do it.
Going to shop for a nice fresh fish for dinner. I am going to put slivers of ginger and garlic and scallion into the flesh, then marinate it in soy and wine. At least, that's the plan at 8:30 am!
I will be back.....later

Thursday Night~~
Writing really fast here, chores and kids and cats on my heels. WHAT a day from HELL...lololol...New policies, new procedures., repulsive place to work. I kept it together, didn't walk out like all my nerve endings told me to....got to stick to the plan....
Even if i can't write another word tonight, i am happy. I got a little bit in...Still in the lead., wrote about 4,000 today! Later, always later....

Thursday Morning~~
I am amazed that i have taken pen in hand over 70 times. I wonder who reads this, i wonder what secrets i reveal. i wonder why i do it, and i have no clear answers.
I frenchbraided my hair for work today, something i haven't done in a long time. I think it means business, lol. None of my curling locks to interfere now that i am in the final stages of the race for best salesperson. Inside track...Debbie just called me and gave me the latest numbers...i am ahead by 2,000 dollars...This is so close i can feel the tingle.
I am amazed how much better i look and feel with some of the extra pounds off. yipeeeeee!!!!!!!!! Not gonna stop until i am in my skinny clothes again.
I guess amazed is my word for the day...I think it is because i woke up with a sense of excitement...what challenges will the day bring? what beauty will my eyes find? I am going outside to look at my poppies and irises...to drink in the emerald green of the grass, and look for flowers on the tomatoes....to feel the sun on my face, if just for a moment...Then, off to the races! later.........

Wednesday Night~~
This is usually the start of my weekend, but, because i had last Sunday off., i work one more day. I gave this day to God, letting go of any anxious thoughts of my sales, my life. I gave up my daily calculations and assessments, and just let God do the driving. I wish i could do it everyday, but i guess i am not spiritually advanced enough. I had amazing sales today, over my quota. Was it because my prayers were answered? Or was it just that i was relaxed enough not to worry about them? Who knows..but, i choose to feel blessed. At the end of the day, Pat's sales came fast and hard, and he beat me. I started to doubt that God was taking care of me, but, i remembered my prayer, that whatever happened was in God's hands., and i let go of it. I found myself happy for him, crazy as it seems, and finished up cheerful and thankful for my own good sales.
The best part of my day? I had alot of lovely little moments, like toes in a warm puddle after the rain, but the best was holding my kitten when i got home.I felt his tawny little fur, and stroked him as he lay against my chest and purred. So tiny, so soft, so happy just for the warmth of my skin and the beating of my heart. I felt myself slip into an exquisite peace, and only put him down to type. We can heal ourselves, if we just take the ingredients we have, and combine them into happiness.
The next time i am raging, or sorrowing, or doubting, i will reread this post, and remember my own wisdom...later...........

Wednesday Morning~~
The sky is painted blue! Amazing how just a color can make me feel so good.My poppies are wide open, orange,smiling up at the sun.When i move, i am taking a bit of my michigan garden with me. Some angelique tulips, and stately yellow emperor tulips, and, and, well, a little bit of all my plant babies, to continue the cycle of where i have been and where i am going.
I should be doing morning chores, but i don't care. They can wait, my writing can't. I can feel my mind honing in on my goals,like a bee to honey. I am tightening my resolve, and figuring out the practicalities of the move while my dreams soar. Central to it all is mornings walking the beach alone, listening to the secrets of the sea,my mantra to life. How could i have been away from it for so long?
I met a rich woman at work yesterday. She came in with a friend,cranky and arrogant, because she had an idea for her guest room that no salesperson seemed to be able to help with. I saw it in her head, i created an option by my own experience and creativity, and made the sale. What most interested me was the offhand way she spent money. I think i would like to live like that! She didnt want delivery until late June, because she was going to Europe on holiday..We started talking about the netherlands, and i felt wistful and a bit jeolous. Soon she was jotting down my travel suggestions, so i hope she likes the red light district and the oldest tavern in amsterdam!
I would have given her Floor's telephone number, but i didn't like the lady enough...oops...not even in the shower yet, and that's one thing i can't do without....later.

Tuesday Night~~
I am going to find a way to write everyday, somehow, someway. I can move something, prioritize something., but, there's got to be a way.
Today work was just one, big, blah,blah, blah....The customer service is changing as the owner pinches his pennies. I don't really know the business ins and outs, but, i do know that you should bend over backwards to please in a retail operation. He's missing that key point. It's whoredom, really. The salespeople work powerfully to convince the client how well we will take care of them, and then, as soon as the money is on the dresser...well, somehow the caring gets misplaced like a spent condom.
During my emotional storms,intwined with the storms outside the window, i found the perfect comfort meal.So here goes, all those sore of heart, and carb deprived...this is too good not to taste.Lisa
s Chicken and Dumplings.
Cook a whole chicken in canned chicken broth(if u don't have your own homemade).Simmer it gently, turning several times, with 2 bay leaves, fresh ground pepper, a large onion, coarsely chopped, two big handfuls of baby carrots, and a good pinch each of kosher salt and thyme. When it is softened and cooked(i let it go 2 hours)Take the chicken out of the pot and cool while u make the dumplings. Put 1 and 1/2 cups of flour in a bowl with 1/2 cup yellow cornmeal, a teaspoon of baking soda, a tablespoon of baking powder and a 1/2 teaspoon of salt. Mix it with your fingers. Add 1/4 cup of fresh chopped parsley,and 1/4 cup fresh basil to dry mix. (use your instinct on how much...you want a nice sprinkle of green).
Now...take the chicken off the bone, and return chicken to pot. Bring broth to boil, and add enough half and half and flour, that has been shaken well in a jar, to broth. Use your judgement, you are looking for a thin to medium consistancy gravy.
Finish the dumplings..mix one cup plus about 3 tablespoons half and half to the dry mix, stirring with a fork until just blended. Drop generous tablespoons of dumpling onto the just boiling broth.(after the first couple, reduce the heat). when they are all in the pot, cover, and cook for NINE minutes, with the lid on. DONT LOOK DONT CHECK ..just trust they will be perfect. After the nine minutes, turn off the heat. Set the table, turn on the simpsons, pour your wine, whatever...because now dinner is ready...in one pot, fragrant, filling, sublime. A peasant meal that kings would ransom. Bon appetite.

Monday Night~
Fatherless Girlchild.
For that's what i was. If you read the pschology books, puberty is pretty much the most dangerous time for a girl to lose her father. Add to the mix a very sensitive, emotional girl-child, with an older sister who is assertive and actively maintaining her place as the established favorite, and you have a lethal mix that can derail all but the strongest of intimate relationships.
I might be strong, i might be independent, yet, when the storms come, i want my daddy. I don't want him away on a business trip, I don't want him unavailable, for any reason. I want him to lean on, to save me, to hold me until the sun returns.
Impossible? yes. Irrational? yes. It is the same as the many times i have prayed,begged, for help from God. Desperate calls for comfort, yet recieved no reply.and not being able to fathom the reason that He says no.
Father, God, Savior??? It is an impossible task, akin to me telling my child at three that he cannot have the sun, or the sky, to hold in his hand or save in his pocket...
So, what are the options when you are reverting back to childhood? When u want your daddy, and nothing else will do? Mine has always been to withdraw, to close in on myself, to cloak myself invisible, until the rain and wind and fear passes, and i can take care of myself once more.
But there is a price to pay. While withdrawing, God, or Father, or Lover, must sit by and agonize, waiting for me to realize that it's not their fault, it's just Life.
I don't think i will ever get over the loss of my father. But i think i can find a workable solution. Feel the pain, and stay open. Don't close out those i love. Because without them, what is life worth?

Monday Night~~~~
Saturday night brought more rain, torrential, in fact. The wind screamed, and the maples shook, and i fell asleep watching the lightening play against the darkness.I wasn't happy, anyway, because i tried to make last minute plans to be with Rikk, and it just didn't work out...i had Sunday off, the first in months, and i decided to make the best of it, and just enjoy the day gardening and puttering around the house.
I woke 3 times during the night, to more light shows and rain pelting against the window in a solid gray sheet.I sleep so solid, it must have been quite the storm,because usually nothing wakes me up.
I got up at 7am, and made my coffee. I heard Todd stirring downstairs in the basement, and then muffled curses. The basement flooded. The oriental rugs..saturated. The antique dresser, in a puddle. I wanted to cry. What a way to spend my day off. I felt cheated, pissed, and helpless. I called my friend, looking for a wet-vac, but her basement was flooded, too. I called home depot, looking for a portable sump-pump, but they were already out. So i went to K-mart, and bought a squeege, and squequed all the standing water on my hands and knees. Then i mopped it all, with bleach, to prevent mold. The boys helped., and hung the rugs on the fence. Inside i started to boil, that old, familiar rage against helplessness and aloneness. Where was my protector? where was my father??Because, i think, that's where it all started........

Friday Night~~
Just a little blog tonight...I am in a much better mood, what goes down, must go up., lol. Wicked, wicked storm here today, full of lightening and outraged blackness. As the barameter dropped, so did Justin's mood, and i watched him descend and swirl with the storm. But i wasn't having any of it. Enough is enough, and i let him work it out for himself. I forced him to take an online aptitude test., and when he balked, i looked him dead in the eye and told him it was HIS future, not mine...so, if he didn't want to do it, i was closing down the computer right then and there. He did it, liked it, and i felt i made some progress.He's whistling now, and just went to get pizza with his brother, and his girlfriend just called, so all is right with his world.
I gave coconut a bath. Coconut is huge, a great big white ball of supreme royal loving catness..He loves the outdoors, and i am not one to confine anyone, not even my pets...so, out he goes, and comes home splattered and dirty and happy. He should have been a calico, or some dirt hiding color. Oh well, he has to suffer the indignity of the occasional bath, when my mother's eyebrow raises, and everything in my path must be cleaned.
Into the tub he went, never suspecting that the mother he loves so much could be so cruel. I cooed and carressed as he did a slippery panic dance on the white enamel. I scrubbed harder, fascinated by how yellow and dirty his fur looked against the pristine bright tub. He handled it all well, until i conditioned him after his shampoo. It was the final indignity, and he made a gallant leap for freedom, up my bosum, over my shoulder, and half way down my back before i dragged him under the showerhead for a final rinse. The shampoo and conditioner? Coconut, of course.
PS he doesnt like the blowdryer much better. later.

ThursdayNite~~
I am gloomy again today, with so much on my plate that i have mental indigestion. I got the house cleaned, and cooked a pot roast and roasted a chicken, so i got the chores out of the way.
I had a very long talk with Rikk today, pretty rocky and tense. It seems like my life is slipping out of my control, and i hate that feeling. The reality is, NO ONE'S life is in control, we just strive for the illusion of it.
The outcome was good, though, because we can always talk our way through our upsets. He gentles me,quiets me, when my emotions are bursting, and i am very thankful for that.
I let go of all the rest of the stuff that i was planning on doing, and parked myself in front of the tv and watched old movies from the 40's most of the afternoon. Rare, very rare for me, but i got to cry at the old sentimental movies, and that is probably just what i needed.
I went red! Inbetween the tears and the post roast, i dyed my hair a rich auburn. It looks red inside the house, so i bet it's going to look like fire in the sunlight. Good. I need a boost right now.
Still losing weight, down 11lbs now. It isnt such a chore anymore, its just a choice. Maybe in a month i will be back to fighting weight again...hope so.
Talked to someone new about refinancing the house. I am instinctively liking this guy much better. I am glad i know a bit more about the process now, and what questions to ask. I will probably have his proposal tomorrow.
Have an appointment with the realtor next thursday. He is coming over and giving me instructions on what to do to the house to increase the profitability.I can work on that while i wait to see what happens with the maryland house. Either way it goes, it's going in a positive direction.
Tomorrow is bills, bills, bills, balance the check book...yukkkkk.
I will probably plant some more flowers and ride my bike, too, instead of more cleaning and organising. I need to do more happy things, fun things...because i feel like i am on an endless treadmill of work and more work, with little to show for it.
There i go, sliding back into moody blues, sigh...Well,tomorrow will be better......later.

Wednesday Morning~~
Not enough sleep the last few days, but i am feeling ok...The extra weight keeps sliding off, good thing i didnt give into my mashed potato fantasy last night.
I love the fact that i can rag-blog, whine and complain, here on this blog instead of to my friends and family. It gets it out of my system, and doesnt pollute anyone else with negativity.
This morning i am dancing in my seat to reggae, wiggling around to an island beat. I need to dance more....i think i will combine two favorite things tomorrow, and dance in the kitchen while i cook..
Time to run off to work. Today should be peaceful, with only D. and P. to work with. Divide and conquer, i always say. Its only when the whole gaggle are together that it gets too much.
later............

Tuesday Night~~
I am writing tonight with exhausted fingers and a tired brain..but three days without writing is WAY to much...
Today was a true day from hell at work, with D. running around playing "my shit don't stink" mgr.Garry, the so-called mgr had a day of. She pryed into everything, and though her point was valid, it was self serving and nasty.She made him look even more miserable and incompetent as a mgr then he is. P., Mr. Manipulator, rubbed his hands together in glee, and joined in the fun downgrading Garry, while the owner and his son,( my newly hatched trainee,) coupled with D. and P in an unholy orgy of Garry bashing.
While they let the blackness engulf them, i manned the phones, ringing, ringing, ringing, with customer problems and vendor lies, and sorted them out one by one, sometimes two by two, all the time longing for the day that i NEVER HAVE TO DO THIS AGAIN.
In my carbohydrate starved world, i could have jumped into a vat of warm mashed potatoes, slid through the warm butter on top, and never come out. Instead i gritted my teeth, held on, and made it thru the day.
One more day, and then a day off....I am sipping a glass of red wine, and it is rich as blood, thick, and delicious. I can feel the tension ebbing, quieting, and soon i will change out of these work clothes and into something loose and flowing....
They say that the negativity that you bitch about is a mirror of your own faults. God Help Me, if it is true....because it sure was ugly today..
Ah, well, there is always tomorrow........later.

Saturday Morning~~
Everything DOES seem better in the morning! I am back to determined warrior mode, ready for whatever challenges come my way. I am wearing my black suit, with a hotpink blouse,filmy flowered scarf, and my pearls.Hair down and wild and bright pink lipstick.
Made all my diet foods to bring to work with me, even though the PMS devil is making me crave cake and bread and chips. Today my 5,000 dollar customer told me to call, so, i might just hit the jackpot at work today.
Even thru all the emoting the last few days, i feel really good about all the cleaning, organizing and gardening i have done in two days. At least i put all that nervous energy to good use! And, as Rikk always says"it could be worse"....I prefer to take that statement as "count your blessings"
Talked my to little sis on the phone last night. Her daughter had made her crazy, and i just let her vent it all out. We ended up laughing over it all, ...just part of life...
Of to work i go..........later

Friday Night~~~
Well, must be a record...so many posts in one day! I almost depressed MYSELF, i sounded so melancoly today..But, i continued scrubbing, and tonight i sleep on clean, scented sheets, with a cool wind blowing in the window. I put Jesus back up, and put the house to rights again, bringing Rikk back to life. We talked today via msn, and even through the phone wires he calmed my emotions, and talked me down from my heart wire.
I am almost glad i work tomorrow. I can't afford such emotional excess too often...I guess that's why pressure cookers have gauges on them, and tight little lids....better to trap the steam and let it out in controlled timeframes...
Glass of water, vitamins, prayers, and bed....Later......

Friday Afternoon~~
I pick a bouquet
Ah, those of you
I love.
Some gone before,
some waiting til,
I love you all.
I write like i"m gone.
Sad and sage,
Truth is,
Hormones are kicking
Heart is jumping,
great chance to say
I love you.

Friday Afternoon~~~
Justin,
love of my life...
Stop thinking.Stop dreaming.
For one moment, let go of You.
See the people who love you
Support you.
I write these things like a
dying woman.
though, i am not.
Take your brillance...run with it.
let go of fear
let go of anger.
Dance, tango, fly....
Decide to be
Happy.

Friday Afternoon~~
Todd, you are
my sweetest accomplishment,
born of wonderment and disbelief.
They said i was barren, they said
he was too..
But you insisted, you desired,
born, with a fight.
I could have aborted you,
I could have said no,
but the woman in me,
Choose life.
So, son of mine,
heart of my heart,
do well and prosper,
Enterprise this life.

Friday Afternoon~~
He looks at me
and i melt.
My chocolate!
sweet, creamy
instantly
satifying.

And such a
bottemless pit
am I.

The storm is over outside. Here, inside, where the real storm is, i cannot get the kitchen light to turn on to do the dishes. The vaccumn cleaner broke, because i am the only one to clean the F....ing filters. The weedwacker needs some stupid gas/oil mixture, so, all the grass i cut today looks half assed. These are the things that men do to make up for their lack of sensitivity....and, so, now, my tears of sadness are mixed with anger.
It is only just shy of 7pm, and i just want to go to bed and sleep.I am tired, so tired. The next door neighbor found an injured squirrel, and she called ME to diagnose and treat. I saw that it was an internal injury, most likely hit by a car, and not going to make it. She called me over to see if it was sleeping, or dead. It was dead, and i buried it in an old towel under the lilac tree.
I am so tired.

Thursday Afternoon~~

I lost it today. Tears just keep falling out of my eyes. I took down the huge" Jesus Smiling " painting that Rikk made for me. I moved all the living room furniture. I put the dining room table in the corner,even though it looks like it is cowering. My home chai is screaming that i am already gone from here.
I have listened to nat king cole and sachimo over and over, while my hands scrubbed the floors and my eyes leaked. I listened to songs of love lost, and i lost myself. I have the strongest urge to just run, run so far and so fast that as i run, my responsibilites fall off me like leaves in an autumn storm.
Somehow i have to remember that he hasnt died, he just cant be with me for two years. I wish i had never met him!!!!!! I was really getting used to being alone. Ah, but , thats not true. I dont wish i had never met him, i just wish we were together.
A storm has just split the sky. I better get off before i fry this computer. I am going to keep cleaning, keep minimizing, keep crying, for a while more.

Tues Morning~~~
NO TIME TO WRITE!!!!ARGGHHHHHHHHHHH . later....

Sunday Morning~~
After my earlier post, i walked the backyard in the gray early morning mist. A owl hooted mournfully, and a redbird trilled backup. I went inside and got my keys, and drove over to Swan Park. I was all alone, and waiting for magic. I felt like i had stepped in an oriental watercolor,all awash in soft, damp green and blue. The sun came out as i walked,and the birds were like a marketplace opening, with shouted hellos as they got on with the business of the day. I walked to a tree massed with hot pink flowers, and rested their blossoms against my nose. Heavenly sweet,and the moisture captive from the night ran down my cheeks like tears. I felt my mother next to me, and we walked along the water's edge. I looked for the swans, absent this morning. And there they were, but not they, only one, swimming towards me. "where is your mate?" i asked quietly, feeling a bit crazy talking to a swan.. He just kept swimming closer to the shore. I stood my ground, hoping i wasn't near his nest, because they are fierce warriors protecting their families. He came within three feet of me, looked me dead in the eye, and slowly nodded his neck, turned and swam away. I walked on, filled with the sweet scent of spring, the warmth of the emerging sun, the song of the hundreds of birds. Nature's church...the glory of God in action.
Into the shower and off to work i go.....later.

Sunday Morning~~
I love early morning writing time. Everyone else still asleep, the potent swirling of energies the boys create thankfully asleep, too. I missed Rikk so much last night. It was 8 oclock, and nobody was home but me. I wandered around restless, with an insane urge to eat and eat and eat. But all the bread in the world wouldn't have filled me, because what i really wanted was his arms around me. I realize it's a well worn self defense mechanism for me., to eat for emotional comfort, to fill myself up when i feel sad and empty. I did the next best thing, wrapped myself in my white down quilt, and got lost in a book with a sugur free fudgesickle. I am so glad i love to read. It has probably saved me from insanity all these years, through all the hard and harder times, because when i read i escape, i fly, i rest, until it's safe to return and try again. I fell asleep with my glasses down my nose, and my book in my hand. When i awoke, J and T. were standing over me, whispering wake up, mom....They wanted to give me the second half of my mother's day presents...
I closed my eyes and held out my hands, tingling like a child. What could they possibly give me that i didn't already have? How could they know what would make my heart sing?
But they did know, these men of mine. Two perfect agates, the size of my two fists together. Justin's was orange and fiery, Todd's blue and green..Both with one polished edge, the colors intense and glassy smooth. Did they know when they chose them that the colors reflected their personalities? One child of fire, my double Leo, one child of the sea, my pisces? Perhaps the best part was what they said..the true beauty of the agates was what was inside, just like me. I have to stop now. My heart is swelling, crowding my chest, and i finally feel full.Later..

Saturday Evening~~
Just got home from work a bit ago...SUPRISE!! The boys cleaned the house for Mother's Day..and Matt, unofficial son #3, brought over his blower and did the porch, and all the little helicopters from the maple trees in the front yard.
I seem to collect needy little girls...me, mother of only boys...Little 7 year old Morgan, newly moved in next door, has replaced the former 2 little girls next door. She runs for me as soon as my hand hits the car door home. Maybe it's because i let them pick my flowers? Tulips in the hand of a little girl are better then in a vase, anyway. I learn all about their mother's operations, boyfriends, and the boogiemen that plague their nights. I just got a call yesterday from the chef's wife at my former job...Their daughter, Sammy, became my littlest best buddy, and she is having emotional problems....Where in God's name will i find time to be with her, to listen, to talk? But i will....Maybe it's because i was such a little misfit myself. I can relate. I can empathize. I can listen, even if i can't make it all better. I think i am still a misfit. I don't feel normal, i dont think i even act normal. But when i love, i love with everything i have, and thats my path, i guess.
Got to get out of this suit, and in some jeans. No, maybe my dusty gardening sweats, because i have a date with morgan, planting the last of the white petunias...later.......

Friday Morning~~~
It was supposed to rain today, and maybe it still will, but God has given me a blue-skied,sunshiny, glorious morning.Moonlight Adagio is playing as i write, a melody that has haunted me for years. Somewhere there is a memory of this song, because i feel it deep in my bones.
I never seem to do the typical. I lost 8 lbs in 5 days doing the damn South Beach diet, and haven't lost another lb. yet..Last night, after blogging, I sabatotoged my diet with my own good cooking. The boys love my macaroni salad, and it was the best batch ever. Noodles al dente, ultra creamy sauce with a spicy bite, and crisp little chop of red onion,green olives, and celery. I took a spoonful, then another, and the carb crave kicked in with a vengence. Well, i had eaten pasta, why not a pita chip? two. three. Well, after the pasta and pita, might as well go ALL the way. Two scoops of Death by Chocolate ice cream. I crawled into bed a South Beach Sinner, determined to repent,but very, very full and happy.
Jumped on the scale this morning, and NO weight gain. HA! Back to the diet today, like a good girl.
One more day without work, i could make a career out of not working, lol. Back to the car auction today, more work in the yard, and no more dragging my feet, i am going to throw stuff out. Later........

Thursday Night!!
Well, i was supposed to throw stuff out, instead i bought more. I went on a search for the perfect flowers for the front flower bed, the side flower bed, the flower bed by the back door, the old wooden barrel, the chair with the chipped enamal bowl....the vegetables..I went to 7 different places, so odd for me, because i am not just chosing for myself...I am chosing for the woman who buys my house. I want her to love walking outside early in the morning,i want her to heartsing to the purple and pink and candystriped petunias, I want her to pick juicy red tomatoes and fresh basil for her sauces...ah...i guess i just want her to enjoy this house, live this house, like ME.
For all i know, they will tear down this 1926 beauty, and build a crackerjack cutout, because of the proximity to the lake. Lake Elizabeth is the largest private lake in Oakland County, which is the richest county in Michigan.
Its so funny, i have always lived in the richest areas, and been poor! Ah, well....I don't need to own it to know the value or beauty of things, i just have to enjoy it...
Rikk is a silent ghost, walking with me. I miss his smile, his steady-ness, his partnership. I am making the transition from partner to warbride, and its a sad path.
I have bought a dress for Maryland. It is so pretty. White background, soft and flowing, with hotpink, lime green, orange flowers. It has a matching scarf, but, i am going to wind it into my hair. I hope the wind blows that day, because i know i will be swaying to the wind of a new life. I tried to pick out shoes, which is hard with my painful feet., because i want the highest of heels, and i know its just not practical. I asked for help from a big, black lady. I love the glorious sense of drama many black women have. They dont care if they weigh 120 or 210, they are going to look GOOD. In 3 seconds she had my shoes picked out, clucking over my foot problem, and understanding my need for sexy, sweet shoes. She nodded thoughtfully as i held the dress to the shoes...and proclaimed"Girl., you are looking goooooood." It was enough for me. THe whole outfit cost 30 dollars. Shoulda spent it on bills. Glad i spent it on me......Lataer..........

Thursday Morning~~
I am finding myself in a familiar dilemma-- It's my day off, and i want to accomplish so much that i don't know where to start. I'm a dog chasing my tail, right now. Of course, i am old enough to also know the solution, make a list, review it, and number it in order of importance. I am starting to get to the wire now as far as my deadlines for putting the house up for sale. So today is going to be sorting day, what to keep, what to throw away, and what to sell.
Today i feel lonely, wishing for my aunt and sisters, to help me with this task. With them it would be fun, but all i feel is nostalgia. Well, nothing can be done about it. Time to get to work. Later........

Wednesday Morninig~~~
The last day of a long workweek. My sales have improved the last week, perhaps because of luck, but i chose to think it's because i am very focused on making money.
I am dealing with the seperation from Rikk. It is not easy, but, I will make it. I am looking forward, not past. I know what i have to do to sell the house, and, one step at a time, i will accomplish it. Somehow i have managed to stay on the South Beach Diet, still steady at 8 lbs lost in a week.
I am enjoying a special closeness with my family. We all live so very far apart, but there is an unshakable bond between us. I envision many happy holidays spent together in maryland, reducing the gap created by growning up and growing apart.
I have a definite yearning to walk the beach alone, to smell the sea, to taste the salt, to hear the lull of the waves, to pick up beach glass as i walk along.It will be very, very good. Goodbye, Michigan. I have done my time, fulfilled my purpose here, and am very ready for the next adventure.

Monday Night~~~
i am getting tired of being the tower of strength and wisdom.Justin has required constant guidance, and Rikk is really depressed. When do I get to just mire in self pity and depression????
My next life i will probably live like a queen., because this one is pretty tough.I think i will just call it a day.....because, tomorrow, always tomorrow, will be better. sigh.

Monday Morning~~
I have just returned from a walk around my yard. White pearblossom petals are drifting prettily from the tree next door, and the air is cold and clean. I see Rikk everywhere,from the bamboo stakes where he planted sunflowers to surprise me, to the swiss chard he planted next to the garage wall. I will have to put away his white bathrobe from the hook on my bedroom door, and take down my 21 mermaid pictures from the wall to my right. These reminders are just too painful to see.
Yes, life goes on. Mermaid in the current? More like mermaid in a typhoon, right now. The best thing to do in a typhoon is to ride the waves, not fight them, until calmer seas prevail. Love isn't lost from adversity, just strengthened.
Time to call in some favors. All the teenage boys I have mentored, given a place to live, and feed all these years can help me fix up the house. Starting with my own two sons. I WILL get the house sell-ready, and I WILL continue to work hard and make money, and find a way to be happy, not mournful, in the process.
It could be worse, it can always be worse! So, i will look to the future, and enjoy the pearblossoms, and ride out the typhoon with faith.
Later.........

The pie is on the table. I want to throw it, i want to hold it tight, i want it out of my sight. Rikk is not coming. He will probably never be back to this house. My heart is filling my chest, exploding out of my eyes. He was turned away at the border, threatened for three hours with jail and having the car impounded. He cannot return without a waiver for something trivial 25 years ago. A waiver, if approved, takes about 8 months to process.
I am alone again.

Well, here i am again! Blogging is like a party to me. I guess we all think that we are the most interesting subject, lol.
I got out of work early, my Saturday to skip out...Had a very solid sales day, always a good omen to sell well the first day of the month. I am sticking to the South Beach Diet. It's amazing! Day 5, and i am down eight lbs.
Rikk's birthday pumpkin pie is in the oven, and he is on his way from Canada. I didn't have money for a gift, not really, but a homemade pie made with love isn't too shabby.
Spoke with my sister J. today. I was late for work because of our chat, but it was worth it. I knew she'd hear me calling telepathic-ly...she never fails. She seems very excited about the maryland house. The housewarming is taking on a life of its own. First it was just Doc, Jan and I...quietly.Now Georgie, Aunt Patti, Andrea, and Justin are coming.The Witches of Eastwick are gathering....This house will be a healing place, a connecting place, full of love, laughter, light. A place for family, and friends close enough to be family. I can see it.
The pie is perfect! Hot out of the oven, so fragrantly spicy. Just like me, wink,wink.
Later........

Saturday Morning~~~
It is cool and rainy this morning, and i don't mind at all. Everything is a shade of green, a springtime salad good enough to eat.I have to go to work in a bit, but the house in quiet for once, so here i am.
Does everyone need time to be alone, to drawn within to regain strength? I think i could go months without speaking to a soul, and be happy. That is part of my enigma, because i truly enjoy people, and yet i am a loner at heart.
Yesterday that solitude was not to be had. I went to a car auction preview with J.Both boys need a car, so there i was, amidst rough and grumble mechanics and used car dealers, looking at cheap but decent cars for the boys. I guess i should have taken off my pearls before i went, perhaps they were a bit out of place.
Beneath their roughness and the F word sprinkled liberally in their conversations with me, i learned how the auction process works. They said "they'd be lookin' for the redhead with the wild hair" at the auction itself. That's at 10am today, so, i have to get to work, ask to leave for an hour, and go . Wonder if i will be able to pull THIS escapade off! I am a MOM, not a dad....but, then again, i guess i have been a little of both all these years, sigh.
Got back from the auction preview, and Todd asked if his construction buddies could come hang out in the backyard and drink a couple of beers. I gave a reluctant yes, (losing that solitude!). After an hour, i told him i couldnt take it anymore. They are all so, so ....male and loud!Their testosterone level is so high at 22 that i was afraid i'd grow a mustache just walking by.
Todd knew my patience was gone, and he swept me up in his arms and said"Dance with me, Momma". I was listening to Louie Armstrong, and we swayed and twirled and dipped to the big band beat. I looked up at my tall handsome son, my manchild, and my heart wept as i smiled. Where did my little boy go? I hope i have taught him well, the important things, to love, to laugh, to live...because i know he is ready to journey on. I will never forget our dance.
Off i go, to get ready for work.