Thursday Night~~
How does she do it? I walked thru the kitchen a moment ago, and smelled my mother's perfume....Lily of the Valley, a distinct and old fashioned scent...Not one to be confused with today's more sophisticated perfumes.
What was she telling me? Why did she leave me? I will never know, i will never fathom, why my mother is no longer my heart-pulsing, always fortifiying, best friend.
This is one of the cornerstones of my being, of my writing. My relationship with my mother. I didn't mean to write about her; she intruded on my consciousness with her scent. Will i ever be able to put her to rest? Will i ever be able to bring a flower to her grave, mumble platitudes, and go on?
I think not. My mother is an extension of my being. She is the blueprint of life for an unskilled laborer, learning from a master. I miss her. I have said this before, i have wept uncountable tears, i have come to grips and flown off the handle with the perfect storm of her leaving.
So, once again, Mommy, i pay you homage. I miss you. I was so lucky to be your daughter; I was in the chosen circle of your love. Were you a being brought to Earth just to teach love? I know those that didn't know you think i am just reveling in gently smudged matriachcal nostalgia...but, truly, that isn't it.
You loved everybody. Black, white, old, young, you were a camelian with a warm velvet coat. You were so sensitive, so exquistite in your heart. I think i am following you, as close as i can, except i am fearless in my fear.
You gave up. You refused to go thru tunnels and crawl thru mountains. I, on the other hand, as your daughter, wiggle thru tunnels, climb mountains, and write about the journey.
I guess I can do it because you made the Redbird sing in my heart. Love is the essence;you taught me. God will never give you a cross you can't carry;You taught me... And to those that are teachers, the hardest lessons are learned...you instilled in me.
The worst thing you taught me, the best thing you taught me, was:Love is of the essence...all else falls into place.....Later
Ps..i am pubishing this before i lose courage...I am naked without a towel....later.