Saturday night~~
I am having fun!I am listening to The Shirelles, Temptations, Ben E. King, and that luscious hunk of man, Barry White.(listen to his lyrics, gentleman,lol). I have the computer room all torn up, packing books. It's official, i am more then a packrat, i am certifible. How else did i find a Bon Appetit magazine from July,1981?AND I CAN'T THROW IT OUT!
I love to look at people's bookshelves. I think it is akin to the secret pleasure voyeurs have..peeking...what interests them? what do they read when no one's watching?
Okay, just a little peek...
Cookbooks, many, many cookbooks
"The Curious Lore of Precious Stones"
"The Complete Guide to Gardening"
"Photoanalysis"
"The Doctors book of Home Remedies"
"A Year in Provence"
Let's see...some juicier stuff...
"Lust"
"The Desiderata of Love"
Hmnn...not much juicy stuff....But lots of:
Spooky Stuff
Police Thrillers
No harlequin romances, thank God. Historical Novels...love those in the tub..
Enough self help books to save the nation.
Enough spiritual books to float to heaven...
Sales how to books (didn't read them too much)
Enough of the peek...
Going to keep dancing to those smooth, sweet oldies...packing my books, having fun.
( I am just a home girl at heart) Later...
Saturday, July 31, 2004
Friday, July 30, 2004
Friday Night~~
Just home from work..what a rotten attitude i had all day. I felt anger seeping out of my very pores. I mumbled nasty little comments under my breath, and when i was washing my hands in the ladies room, i glanced up and scared myself.YIKES!!such a sulky,stern face staring back at me.
I have to change my evil ways,because if i am determined to work one more month, then i damn well better do it to the best of my ability, and leave proud of myself.It doesn't matter if the boss is unfair, it doesn't matter if they have a boys club and i am not invited, it doesn't matter if Deb is the undisputed queen,smugly superior. All that says is that i am having a problem with feeling like a victim, feeling left out, and feeling jeleous. I can't change them, but i can change myself.
Tomorrow morning before i go in i am going to take a walk at dawn, rain or shine. I am going to wear pink and pearls to work, and take extra care with my makeup. I am going to find things to laugh about, and practice the art of forgiveness.I am going to count my blessings, count down the days, and make the most of it all.
I was really too pissy to even write tonight...but, i feel better now. I can see my intentions flowing across the paper. I am going to walk out to the pepper patch in my barefeet, in the dark, and make some nice fresh salsa for the kids. I am going to drink my ice water in a crystal glass, with lots of ice and a wedge of lemon. Diana Kroll on the CD player, while i take a vanilla scented bubblebath.
I think i need hugs. I think i need kisses. The bath will have to do...later.
Just home from work..what a rotten attitude i had all day. I felt anger seeping out of my very pores. I mumbled nasty little comments under my breath, and when i was washing my hands in the ladies room, i glanced up and scared myself.YIKES!!such a sulky,stern face staring back at me.
I have to change my evil ways,because if i am determined to work one more month, then i damn well better do it to the best of my ability, and leave proud of myself.It doesn't matter if the boss is unfair, it doesn't matter if they have a boys club and i am not invited, it doesn't matter if Deb is the undisputed queen,smugly superior. All that says is that i am having a problem with feeling like a victim, feeling left out, and feeling jeleous. I can't change them, but i can change myself.
Tomorrow morning before i go in i am going to take a walk at dawn, rain or shine. I am going to wear pink and pearls to work, and take extra care with my makeup. I am going to find things to laugh about, and practice the art of forgiveness.I am going to count my blessings, count down the days, and make the most of it all.
I was really too pissy to even write tonight...but, i feel better now. I can see my intentions flowing across the paper. I am going to walk out to the pepper patch in my barefeet, in the dark, and make some nice fresh salsa for the kids. I am going to drink my ice water in a crystal glass, with lots of ice and a wedge of lemon. Diana Kroll on the CD player, while i take a vanilla scented bubblebath.
I think i need hugs. I think i need kisses. The bath will have to do...later.
Thursday, July 29, 2004
Thursday Morning~~
Just had a wonderful time with the refigerator repairman, who introduced himself as Ed. He didn't mind the cats, who tried to help him. He didn't mind me, either, as i tried to help him. By the time a half hour had passed, i had broken him from calling me "ma'am"., and i unofficially became his assistant, handing him stuff, and taking the parts to the sink to be rinsed off. When it came time to pay (YEAH! He fixed it like brandnew,i don't have to buy a new one), Instead of $250.00, he charged me $175.00. With a twinkle in his eye, he told me it was because of all my help.
I really want to have things working properly and buttoned up here, for Todd. Today was one more thing off my list.
The sun is shining, and i have had enough of worries, packing, and work. I am going to the beach for a few hours, with Saving Private Ryan, one of my favorite books. My books are my friends, and sometimes they call just as loud as real people, to come and visit. Later....
Just had a wonderful time with the refigerator repairman, who introduced himself as Ed. He didn't mind the cats, who tried to help him. He didn't mind me, either, as i tried to help him. By the time a half hour had passed, i had broken him from calling me "ma'am"., and i unofficially became his assistant, handing him stuff, and taking the parts to the sink to be rinsed off. When it came time to pay (YEAH! He fixed it like brandnew,i don't have to buy a new one), Instead of $250.00, he charged me $175.00. With a twinkle in his eye, he told me it was because of all my help.
I really want to have things working properly and buttoned up here, for Todd. Today was one more thing off my list.
The sun is shining, and i have had enough of worries, packing, and work. I am going to the beach for a few hours, with Saving Private Ryan, one of my favorite books. My books are my friends, and sometimes they call just as loud as real people, to come and visit. Later....
Wednesday, July 28, 2004
Wednesday afternoon~~
I have been pretty silent about Rikk lately...We spoke last night, and without me even bringing up the subject, he mentioned me driving the truck again..He said he has total confidance in my abilities..and i had to laugh to myself..i suppose he sees me stronger then i see myself.
As for J., he has very strong feelings about him. He thinks it's crap the way J.acts, and when he was here, J DIDN'T act up half as much. He can't visit,(see my may 1st post)he can't support me, though he does his best via phone and email. He is a single dad raising a 16 year old, so it will be two years at least before we can even think of living together. I am all written out for now...later.
I have been pretty silent about Rikk lately...We spoke last night, and without me even bringing up the subject, he mentioned me driving the truck again..He said he has total confidance in my abilities..and i had to laugh to myself..i suppose he sees me stronger then i see myself.
As for J., he has very strong feelings about him. He thinks it's crap the way J.acts, and when he was here, J DIDN'T act up half as much. He can't visit,(see my may 1st post)he can't support me, though he does his best via phone and email. He is a single dad raising a 16 year old, so it will be two years at least before we can even think of living together. I am all written out for now...later.
Wednesday afternoon~~
I just read your post to Kari, anonymous. Again, i find your comments very insightful..you speak like one who has experienced this herself., or something very like it. My relationship with J.s father spanned almost 20 years, pre and post divorce, and the whole time it was a case of me putting a bandaid on a mortal wound. Looking back now, i realize that i refused to see that i couldn't save him from himself. I always fixed things, always made a way, and, on the surface, gave him his repectability. He was a charmer, a master salesman, and not above groveling the many times i left him, started over, and out of pity, or maschochism, or God Knows what motivation, i took him back.
The last time was 3 years ago. He was homeless, and had just lost his job that included his truck, and living expenses. (he was a traveling salesman). He had a heart attack, and i offered to let him stay at my house to recuperate. He got a job driving a cab, and i told him to save his money, so he could get an apartment and get back on his feet. I came home from work to an explosive situation..my oldest son, T., in a standoff with G. on the porch. It came to blows, and it's funny,what i remember most about it was the sound of my clay italian flower pots crashing to the floor. I called the police,and G. turned to me and said."You did this. it's your choice, him or me." I went inside, packed his things, and told him to never come back. I decided it was finally over...and the door to my giving slammed shut,locked, and i threw away the key.
There comes a time in my life when i let go, because, above all, i am a survivor.
To try to channel and help J. by moving to maryland is part of that survivor instinct.You see, i refuse to be a woman who bails out her adult son, be it with money or a place to live, forever. I will always love him, but i am getting ready to leave my active tour of motherhood duty. I finally like myself, and love myself most of the time, and that love of self just doesn't have room for being anybodys emotional or physical punching bag. I will dedicate myself for one year to helping j. finish high school, and teach him all the practicalities that he is so ignorant about.After that..i am done.
I just read your post to Kari, anonymous. Again, i find your comments very insightful..you speak like one who has experienced this herself., or something very like it. My relationship with J.s father spanned almost 20 years, pre and post divorce, and the whole time it was a case of me putting a bandaid on a mortal wound. Looking back now, i realize that i refused to see that i couldn't save him from himself. I always fixed things, always made a way, and, on the surface, gave him his repectability. He was a charmer, a master salesman, and not above groveling the many times i left him, started over, and out of pity, or maschochism, or God Knows what motivation, i took him back.
The last time was 3 years ago. He was homeless, and had just lost his job that included his truck, and living expenses. (he was a traveling salesman). He had a heart attack, and i offered to let him stay at my house to recuperate. He got a job driving a cab, and i told him to save his money, so he could get an apartment and get back on his feet. I came home from work to an explosive situation..my oldest son, T., in a standoff with G. on the porch. It came to blows, and it's funny,what i remember most about it was the sound of my clay italian flower pots crashing to the floor. I called the police,and G. turned to me and said."You did this. it's your choice, him or me." I went inside, packed his things, and told him to never come back. I decided it was finally over...and the door to my giving slammed shut,locked, and i threw away the key.
There comes a time in my life when i let go, because, above all, i am a survivor.
To try to channel and help J. by moving to maryland is part of that survivor instinct.You see, i refuse to be a woman who bails out her adult son, be it with money or a place to live, forever. I will always love him, but i am getting ready to leave my active tour of motherhood duty. I finally like myself, and love myself most of the time, and that love of self just doesn't have room for being anybodys emotional or physical punching bag. I will dedicate myself for one year to helping j. finish high school, and teach him all the practicalities that he is so ignorant about.After that..i am done.
Wednesday Morning~~
Slept in late today, no ambition at all. I feel like laying in bed all day, but that is strictly against my code...must come the german/dutch half of me.."you will work! you will be productive!". Causes a bit of a problem with the italian side, that would prefer to loll about, sipping wine, listening to music, with a manyana laissez faire.
Anonymous, Kari, Amadeaus...your comments on my concerns with J,..what can i say? Wise perspectives from three different sources..Pretty ironic, too, because i had contemplated sending J. to his father for a couple of weeks before the move...so he could have some closure, and also to let him see what his life COULD be like..Then yesterday, got a phone from my ex-brother in law...We haven't spoken since last Christmas, when i called them for the holiday. Seems G. (the ex) has continued his downward spiral..renting a room in a house somewhere, cell phone disconnected. Still drinking everyday,driving that way, too, even with all his health problems. Still leaving a trail of broken promises. My ex-brother in law called to say he loved me and the kids, and to apologise for thinking i was "the bad guy" that hurt his brother, when he realizes now it wasn't true. Bittersweet, because i have been too busy raising the boys myself to even care what they thought of me.All i know is, leaving J. with him now is not an option.
Change comes from within, and just moving away doesn't mean that your problems don't come with you. I am taking a very calculated risk; in moving i plan to grab my pruninig shears and ruthlessly cut off the suckers and dead wood from J.s life. I will no longer work the 11 hour days that keep me absent now,and i will give him structure and support to build a new life. I will expose him to the beauty of the sea,surrounded by healthy male role models in his uncles and cousin. After that, it is his choice..for we do indeed journey alone through this life, each of us ultimately on our own path..The bottom line, for me, is that i must, i will, try.Later...
Slept in late today, no ambition at all. I feel like laying in bed all day, but that is strictly against my code...must come the german/dutch half of me.."you will work! you will be productive!". Causes a bit of a problem with the italian side, that would prefer to loll about, sipping wine, listening to music, with a manyana laissez faire.
Anonymous, Kari, Amadeaus...your comments on my concerns with J,..what can i say? Wise perspectives from three different sources..Pretty ironic, too, because i had contemplated sending J. to his father for a couple of weeks before the move...so he could have some closure, and also to let him see what his life COULD be like..Then yesterday, got a phone from my ex-brother in law...We haven't spoken since last Christmas, when i called them for the holiday. Seems G. (the ex) has continued his downward spiral..renting a room in a house somewhere, cell phone disconnected. Still drinking everyday,driving that way, too, even with all his health problems. Still leaving a trail of broken promises. My ex-brother in law called to say he loved me and the kids, and to apologise for thinking i was "the bad guy" that hurt his brother, when he realizes now it wasn't true. Bittersweet, because i have been too busy raising the boys myself to even care what they thought of me.All i know is, leaving J. with him now is not an option.
Change comes from within, and just moving away doesn't mean that your problems don't come with you. I am taking a very calculated risk; in moving i plan to grab my pruninig shears and ruthlessly cut off the suckers and dead wood from J.s life. I will no longer work the 11 hour days that keep me absent now,and i will give him structure and support to build a new life. I will expose him to the beauty of the sea,surrounded by healthy male role models in his uncles and cousin. After that, it is his choice..for we do indeed journey alone through this life, each of us ultimately on our own path..The bottom line, for me, is that i must, i will, try.Later...
Tuesday, July 27, 2004
tuesday night...
i want so much to write, to express my feelings and thoughts on the posts in reply to moving and my trouble with J., but, i am so tired...The rain is a delicate staccato, and i just want to take off my clothes and lie naked under my down quilt..Leave my hair unbraided, and say my prayers...while drifting to sleep.
Tomorrow, always tomorrow...The wonderful smell of coffee, the peek outside to see the sky., and, the promise of a new day....sweet dreams, later..
i want so much to write, to express my feelings and thoughts on the posts in reply to moving and my trouble with J., but, i am so tired...The rain is a delicate staccato, and i just want to take off my clothes and lie naked under my down quilt..Leave my hair unbraided, and say my prayers...while drifting to sleep.
Tomorrow, always tomorrow...The wonderful smell of coffee, the peek outside to see the sky., and, the promise of a new day....sweet dreams, later..
Tuesday Night~~
I am so humbled, and thankful, for all of you who take the time to care about my life. How lucky am i?
First of all, just a bit of today..I read anonymous and Kari's posts monday night, but, i spoke with Rikk via IM,and i wanted so badly to connect with him, that i planned on writing in my blog this morning, instead of my nightly postings...
Didn't happen. I turned on the computer, and a loud, warning beep! beep! beep! was all i got. The cats were wrapping my ankles, i hadn't made coffee yet...and my first thought was "uh-oh". First things first, coffee on, babies fed, then back to the beeps...Dug out the computer papers, and called...I got a lovely lady named Anna, and, half awake, her speaking with a pronouned accent(Indian, i think), she intructed me to unscrew the back of the computer, locate and take out the memory card, and then pull the plugs to the mouse and keyboard. Sounds simple, eh? God bless her patience, as i opened the back of the computer with a butter knife. God bless her patience as she explained what a memory board looked like. God bless her patience as she told me what color the cords were to the mouse and keyboard. We figured it out...dead keyboard....and they would ship me one in 3-6 business days...in the meantime, i had 20 minutes left to shower, dress, put on my makeup for work, and the kitty's were having a ball, oj biting my toes, coconut trying to explore the inside of the computer, and link sliding over the warranty papers. sigh.
Off to work i went, but, just before i left, the electric company called, saying, "if i didn't pay EIGHTY DOLLARS RIGHT NOW"...well, you get the drift...
Worked 11 hours, nonstop, wild bed sales, the most the store has made in over a month, and God saw fit that most of it was cash and carry for my sales, way past my expectations for the end of the month....Justin called midway, to tell me that the refigerator was broken, and by the way...the cats broke my antique blue/green candy bowl, and, did the vaccumn ALWAYS blow dust out the side. sigh.
So, the repairman is coming thursday morning to fix the frig, the lights are still on, and i am SURE Mr. Phillips and i can fix the vaccumn one more time.
And this is before i even address what's REALLY in my heart.....back in a few....OH! forgot to say..i am able to type this post because...packrat that i am..i had an old keyboard in the closet...and now that i know where a keyboard plug goes....I AM WRITING!
I am so humbled, and thankful, for all of you who take the time to care about my life. How lucky am i?
First of all, just a bit of today..I read anonymous and Kari's posts monday night, but, i spoke with Rikk via IM,and i wanted so badly to connect with him, that i planned on writing in my blog this morning, instead of my nightly postings...
Didn't happen. I turned on the computer, and a loud, warning beep! beep! beep! was all i got. The cats were wrapping my ankles, i hadn't made coffee yet...and my first thought was "uh-oh". First things first, coffee on, babies fed, then back to the beeps...Dug out the computer papers, and called...I got a lovely lady named Anna, and, half awake, her speaking with a pronouned accent(Indian, i think), she intructed me to unscrew the back of the computer, locate and take out the memory card, and then pull the plugs to the mouse and keyboard. Sounds simple, eh? God bless her patience, as i opened the back of the computer with a butter knife. God bless her patience as she explained what a memory board looked like. God bless her patience as she told me what color the cords were to the mouse and keyboard. We figured it out...dead keyboard....and they would ship me one in 3-6 business days...in the meantime, i had 20 minutes left to shower, dress, put on my makeup for work, and the kitty's were having a ball, oj biting my toes, coconut trying to explore the inside of the computer, and link sliding over the warranty papers. sigh.
Off to work i went, but, just before i left, the electric company called, saying, "if i didn't pay EIGHTY DOLLARS RIGHT NOW"...well, you get the drift...
Worked 11 hours, nonstop, wild bed sales, the most the store has made in over a month, and God saw fit that most of it was cash and carry for my sales, way past my expectations for the end of the month....Justin called midway, to tell me that the refigerator was broken, and by the way...the cats broke my antique blue/green candy bowl, and, did the vaccumn ALWAYS blow dust out the side. sigh.
So, the repairman is coming thursday morning to fix the frig, the lights are still on, and i am SURE Mr. Phillips and i can fix the vaccumn one more time.
And this is before i even address what's REALLY in my heart.....back in a few....OH! forgot to say..i am able to type this post because...packrat that i am..i had an old keyboard in the closet...and now that i know where a keyboard plug goes....I AM WRITING!
Monday, July 26, 2004
Monday Morning~~
What a crazy life. Last night i cried myself to sleep, thinking about J. I woke to a note,by the coffepot, from him. "Dear Mom, wake me up before you go to work, i love you and miss you and want to talk".I don't have time to write now, but the jeist of it all is that he is willing to give maryland a try. Off to work i go...later
What a crazy life. Last night i cried myself to sleep, thinking about J. I woke to a note,by the coffepot, from him. "Dear Mom, wake me up before you go to work, i love you and miss you and want to talk".I don't have time to write now, but the jeist of it all is that he is willing to give maryland a try. Off to work i go...later
Sunday, July 25, 2004
Sunday night~~
it's so hard to write with a house full of people...Todd's girlfriend and the kids...i love them, i do...but, the privacy factor, well..gone.
J. no longer on a high from his cd...negative and calling people evil and saying how ridiculous it is to want a house, and life, when we are just all going to die..(we are all a bunch of trained monkeys, except monkeys aren't evil, like people are, wasting the earths resouces, and practicing ugly habits).Won't even do the dishes as his chore, but, stays in my face, spouting negativity, telling me how horrible his life is(mentioning his "waste" of a father in the next breath).
Rikk emailing me, and telling me i can drive a 15 foot truck 12 hours across the mountains, towing my little car, no problem..."just go slow".(when he knows driving is my phobia, and i am terrified)
When all i want to do is write....i have so much to say...but, have to take a pickaxe, and swing through the obstacles, first...So many, so thick, that my fingers can hardly type....
At least,at the very least, i am keeping my promise to write everyday. That, nothing can stop, even if i have to AUDIO blog.
J. doesn't realize how close, how very close, i am to throwing in the towel. Let his father take over. Let him feed him, clothe him, council him, deal with his black moods.
The only thing that stops me is....what would the final outcome be for my son? I might get a reprieve, but, what will his future be?
I am so bewildered. This is one of the times i just want to run away, or, at the very least, pull the covers over my head, and pretend it all doesnt exist.
Later.
it's so hard to write with a house full of people...Todd's girlfriend and the kids...i love them, i do...but, the privacy factor, well..gone.
J. no longer on a high from his cd...negative and calling people evil and saying how ridiculous it is to want a house, and life, when we are just all going to die..(we are all a bunch of trained monkeys, except monkeys aren't evil, like people are, wasting the earths resouces, and practicing ugly habits).Won't even do the dishes as his chore, but, stays in my face, spouting negativity, telling me how horrible his life is(mentioning his "waste" of a father in the next breath).
Rikk emailing me, and telling me i can drive a 15 foot truck 12 hours across the mountains, towing my little car, no problem..."just go slow".(when he knows driving is my phobia, and i am terrified)
When all i want to do is write....i have so much to say...but, have to take a pickaxe, and swing through the obstacles, first...So many, so thick, that my fingers can hardly type....
At least,at the very least, i am keeping my promise to write everyday. That, nothing can stop, even if i have to AUDIO blog.
J. doesn't realize how close, how very close, i am to throwing in the towel. Let his father take over. Let him feed him, clothe him, council him, deal with his black moods.
The only thing that stops me is....what would the final outcome be for my son? I might get a reprieve, but, what will his future be?
I am so bewildered. This is one of the times i just want to run away, or, at the very least, pull the covers over my head, and pretend it all doesnt exist.
Later.
Saturday, July 24, 2004
Saturday Morning~~
All ready for work, and today i look like a school teacher,complete with glasses and below the knee black skirt. Ah, but who knows the mermaid that lurks beneath?
The sense of pressure is off, marvelously..It doesn't matter if i get fired now, all is in place...I am curious to see what that lack of pressure is going to do to my sales. I know i will keep up with everything else at work, that's just my nature..When i leave i want to do it properly, with all my admin work current.
J. and his band were in the studio for 8 hours yesterday, recording their first professional CD. He came home at 12am, and i was waiting up, reading. His eyes shone, and he played it for me..I listened, and watched the rapt faces,tapping fingers of his fellow musicians.. The music was good,..a unique sound, blending jazz and Celtic with a little Pink Floyd thrown in.
Pray God i can channel that passion, that emotion, even him out somewhat...
I want to keep writing, but work calls...
The sky is so beautiful this morning, the air so cool and sweet...Happy Saturday Morning, everyone....
All ready for work, and today i look like a school teacher,complete with glasses and below the knee black skirt. Ah, but who knows the mermaid that lurks beneath?
The sense of pressure is off, marvelously..It doesn't matter if i get fired now, all is in place...I am curious to see what that lack of pressure is going to do to my sales. I know i will keep up with everything else at work, that's just my nature..When i leave i want to do it properly, with all my admin work current.
J. and his band were in the studio for 8 hours yesterday, recording their first professional CD. He came home at 12am, and i was waiting up, reading. His eyes shone, and he played it for me..I listened, and watched the rapt faces,tapping fingers of his fellow musicians.. The music was good,..a unique sound, blending jazz and Celtic with a little Pink Floyd thrown in.
Pray God i can channel that passion, that emotion, even him out somewhat...
I want to keep writing, but work calls...
The sky is so beautiful this morning, the air so cool and sweet...Happy Saturday Morning, everyone....
Friday, July 23, 2004
Friday afternoon~~
In less then an hour, the title people will be here at the house to sign the refinance papers. The floors are shining; the coffee pot on, and i have gotten out my antique irish sugar bowl and creamer with the 4leaf clovers rioting across the china.
This is months of work, this is a new beginning. Two years ago, i was 11 days away from a sheriff sale, my house officially in forclosure. My car was repo'd, and we barely had enough to eat.
This refinance is a miracle, straight from God. No one would touch me for a refinance..the forbearance mortgage agreement i have been under for the last two years is worse then a bankrupcy and a repo combined. I am amazed by it all. I have never heard of a title company that comes to your house, I am amazed that i didn't even have to take a day off from work, i am amazed that i didn't get fired and lose the refinance altogether.
Yesterday, as i tried to clean and prepare for today, J. chose to act out, terribly.I won't go into it, but, it was painful...so painful..i cannot even put it to paper. He is a double Leo, self absorbed, and almost more then love can handle, sometimes. I pressed on with my chores, anyway, heavy hearted, but determined.
If you read this, and love God, pray for my son..pray for me, that i continue to have to strength to guide and stand by him...
I cannot wait to write my victory post..i will be writing it before the ink dries!
Time for a bit of lipstick, and cut some flowers for the table...later.
In less then an hour, the title people will be here at the house to sign the refinance papers. The floors are shining; the coffee pot on, and i have gotten out my antique irish sugar bowl and creamer with the 4leaf clovers rioting across the china.
This is months of work, this is a new beginning. Two years ago, i was 11 days away from a sheriff sale, my house officially in forclosure. My car was repo'd, and we barely had enough to eat.
This refinance is a miracle, straight from God. No one would touch me for a refinance..the forbearance mortgage agreement i have been under for the last two years is worse then a bankrupcy and a repo combined. I am amazed by it all. I have never heard of a title company that comes to your house, I am amazed that i didn't even have to take a day off from work, i am amazed that i didn't get fired and lose the refinance altogether.
Yesterday, as i tried to clean and prepare for today, J. chose to act out, terribly.I won't go into it, but, it was painful...so painful..i cannot even put it to paper. He is a double Leo, self absorbed, and almost more then love can handle, sometimes. I pressed on with my chores, anyway, heavy hearted, but determined.
If you read this, and love God, pray for my son..pray for me, that i continue to have to strength to guide and stand by him...
I cannot wait to write my victory post..i will be writing it before the ink dries!
Time for a bit of lipstick, and cut some flowers for the table...later.
Thursday, July 22, 2004
Thursday, High Noon~~
I FIXED THE VACCUMM!!!!!!! Thank you, Mr. Phillips, wherever you are. Kisses, kisses, kisses. I have been sweeping the house for three weeks, with no money to take the vaccumm cleaner to the fixit shop....Today, i said, ENOUGH. I rummaged thru the junk drawer, found the thingy screwdriver with 4 slots, (thank you again, Mr. Phillips) and took the whole damn thing apart.
Easy for you, you say? HA! All my iq tests say..."word warrior, you go girl.. Uh, try to be logical, fix things, affinity with how things work, get a friend, or call a repairman!"
I DID IT!First, i cleaned all the filters. Then, i took that screwdriver, wielded it masterfully, and did what i guess alot of men do....tore the whole damn thing apart. Then i got a coathanger, and threaded it thru all the hoses...Eureka!! resistance!. Patienace, cunning, as i cajoled and prayed the coathanger thru...The culprit? A paper towel, clogged with cat hair. I haven't put it back together yet, but i am certain the problem is fixed.
I think this will make my relationships with men better. I tend to play Scarlett, waving my fan, when i need help. How much better to be Rhett, rescueing myself, so that the nitty-gritty, the bottom line, person to person, without need or manipulation getting in the way, to tell you if you are partners?
Hmnnn. Better grab that screwdriver, hitch up my pants masterfully, and go on with my day. Wink, wink. later.
I FIXED THE VACCUMM!!!!!!! Thank you, Mr. Phillips, wherever you are. Kisses, kisses, kisses. I have been sweeping the house for three weeks, with no money to take the vaccumm cleaner to the fixit shop....Today, i said, ENOUGH. I rummaged thru the junk drawer, found the thingy screwdriver with 4 slots, (thank you again, Mr. Phillips) and took the whole damn thing apart.
Easy for you, you say? HA! All my iq tests say..."word warrior, you go girl.. Uh, try to be logical, fix things, affinity with how things work, get a friend, or call a repairman!"
I DID IT!First, i cleaned all the filters. Then, i took that screwdriver, wielded it masterfully, and did what i guess alot of men do....tore the whole damn thing apart. Then i got a coathanger, and threaded it thru all the hoses...Eureka!! resistance!. Patienace, cunning, as i cajoled and prayed the coathanger thru...The culprit? A paper towel, clogged with cat hair. I haven't put it back together yet, but i am certain the problem is fixed.
I think this will make my relationships with men better. I tend to play Scarlett, waving my fan, when i need help. How much better to be Rhett, rescueing myself, so that the nitty-gritty, the bottom line, person to person, without need or manipulation getting in the way, to tell you if you are partners?
Hmnnn. Better grab that screwdriver, hitch up my pants masterfully, and go on with my day. Wink, wink. later.
Thursday morning~~
It's hot and oh so sticky out, and i have looked around my cluttered house with a baleful eye. So much to do, before i even START to do the things i want to do...Last night at 2:45 am, baby oj woke me biting my toes. I tucked them into the sheet, and then moments later..CRASH! Somehow he managed to knock my glass of water off the bedside table...water everywhere! As i mopped it up, Justin came in...
I never wake well~i am grumpy and groggy and not real, for at least an hour. "Mom? can i talk to you before you go back to sleep?" Sigh. He had been on the computer for hours, researching the history of rock and roll, and the implications of Satanism. JEESHHH!! Scared himself silly, and the crash of the water glass made him think Alistair Crowley had come to visit. "What did i think about the CIA and LSD?" "What did i think about Satan and God?" "Where was he going in his life?" "Why did i always believe the best in people, when there is so much evil in the world?"
All that, barely awake, and not a drop of coffee in me. Little oj in prime kitten mode, too..pouncing and prancing and doing high dives off my bed.
We ended up in the dark on the porch swing, me in my robe and him in his boxers, talking til 4am. The last thing he said before we hugged goodnight was "thanks, mom..i can sleep now."
And me? I lay there in the dark, face to the open window, listening to those strange almost dawn sounds..praying for my baby boy, not a baby, not a man. It is so clear to me that he stands at a fork in the road, hesitating, taking a step, retreating, standing still in confusion.
I just want to plant my hand in my back, and PUSH.."there, take THAT road"..But i won't, I can't...all i can do is be available..listen..even at 4am.....later.
It's hot and oh so sticky out, and i have looked around my cluttered house with a baleful eye. So much to do, before i even START to do the things i want to do...Last night at 2:45 am, baby oj woke me biting my toes. I tucked them into the sheet, and then moments later..CRASH! Somehow he managed to knock my glass of water off the bedside table...water everywhere! As i mopped it up, Justin came in...
I never wake well~i am grumpy and groggy and not real, for at least an hour. "Mom? can i talk to you before you go back to sleep?" Sigh. He had been on the computer for hours, researching the history of rock and roll, and the implications of Satanism. JEESHHH!! Scared himself silly, and the crash of the water glass made him think Alistair Crowley had come to visit. "What did i think about the CIA and LSD?" "What did i think about Satan and God?" "Where was he going in his life?" "Why did i always believe the best in people, when there is so much evil in the world?"
All that, barely awake, and not a drop of coffee in me. Little oj in prime kitten mode, too..pouncing and prancing and doing high dives off my bed.
We ended up in the dark on the porch swing, me in my robe and him in his boxers, talking til 4am. The last thing he said before we hugged goodnight was "thanks, mom..i can sleep now."
And me? I lay there in the dark, face to the open window, listening to those strange almost dawn sounds..praying for my baby boy, not a baby, not a man. It is so clear to me that he stands at a fork in the road, hesitating, taking a step, retreating, standing still in confusion.
I just want to plant my hand in my back, and PUSH.."there, take THAT road"..But i won't, I can't...all i can do is be available..listen..even at 4am.....later.
Wednesday, July 21, 2004
Wednesday Night~~
The rain is pouring straight down, drenching, soaking, hot sounding rain, and it's making me hot, too. It's a sound of urgent passion,unstoppable, furious in intent. I feel crazy...like biting the tiles, waiting for release...Ah, it's softer now...with a gentle smack of thunder, and i can finally exhale. Now it is just caressing, and i can hear the different tones as it hits the trees, the grass, the slope of the roof. Black kitty Link is on the windowsill, green eyes luminous, and we rub noses..I think he felt it too.Little oj is in my lap, half asleep, sucking on my thumb..(how strange my 4 legged children are)
Another uneventful day at work...THANK GOD!. Except, except...i have made the reservation for the moving truck. When they asked me the date i was moving, i realized i didn't know...My plans have been so focused on solving all the problems to actually MOVE...my imagination has been so locked into the fantasy of how it will be., that i hadn't set a date...So i heard the little voice in my head say"mid september". I had actually thought the last week end august, but, i always listen when that voice speaks.."Monday, September 13?" the guy asked..And i said "Yes!"...My knees felt weak, my voice shaky. I guess i am really going to do it. New start. New job, new home, new friends, new, new new.
All i have to do is remember how i have been terrified before, of change, of the unknown. And then remember, that out of those changes, have come great learning, great loving, great experiences...And so...the next chapter is ready to begin....... Later.
The rain is pouring straight down, drenching, soaking, hot sounding rain, and it's making me hot, too. It's a sound of urgent passion,unstoppable, furious in intent. I feel crazy...like biting the tiles, waiting for release...Ah, it's softer now...with a gentle smack of thunder, and i can finally exhale. Now it is just caressing, and i can hear the different tones as it hits the trees, the grass, the slope of the roof. Black kitty Link is on the windowsill, green eyes luminous, and we rub noses..I think he felt it too.Little oj is in my lap, half asleep, sucking on my thumb..(how strange my 4 legged children are)
Another uneventful day at work...THANK GOD!. Except, except...i have made the reservation for the moving truck. When they asked me the date i was moving, i realized i didn't know...My plans have been so focused on solving all the problems to actually MOVE...my imagination has been so locked into the fantasy of how it will be., that i hadn't set a date...So i heard the little voice in my head say"mid september". I had actually thought the last week end august, but, i always listen when that voice speaks.."Monday, September 13?" the guy asked..And i said "Yes!"...My knees felt weak, my voice shaky. I guess i am really going to do it. New start. New job, new home, new friends, new, new new.
All i have to do is remember how i have been terrified before, of change, of the unknown. And then remember, that out of those changes, have come great learning, great loving, great experiences...And so...the next chapter is ready to begin....... Later.
Wednesday Morning~~
I have some kind of dream marathon going on every night. Last night i dreamt i told Debbie i was moving..I was wearing a yellow sweater, and she just looked at me blankly, and said "youre moving?".I just raised one eyebrow, and remained silent. (debbie is the "friend" at work that told the boss about the labor board). The night before i was sunbathing on a crowded beach,head tilted up, soaking in the sun as i watched the waves crash to the shore. Every morning i wake up feeling like i was in school, enrolled in a crash course, head crammed with knowledge. Only problem is, i can't remember WHAT school i am enrolled in , what the course is, or what it was i was learning!
Yesterday WAS busy from start to end;I got the insurance for the house, went to work, got everything faxed to the refinance guy, got the last employment verification phone call from the new mortgage company, (WHEW!,in the nick of time),and the closing date in definetly set for Friday, at 1pm.Worked til nine pm, went grocery shopping, home at 10pm...Both of the boys are feeling anxious...I am their landmark of security, and that landmark is picking up stakes..I know there will be alot of porch-swing talks, reassuring, calming, explaining over the next two days off. I am ashamed to say that i don't feel like explaining, calming, or reassuring them at all...all i want is to sit by the water alone, and reassure MYSELF, but i will find a way.
Wish i could preview and edit my posts..still no luck with that...So, please forgive the wordy sentences and spelling errors...feels like getting dressed without that last glance in the mirror to see if my slip is showing.
Off to the shower i go, that morning haven i love so well....and then one more day of work, before my two days off. Later.
I have some kind of dream marathon going on every night. Last night i dreamt i told Debbie i was moving..I was wearing a yellow sweater, and she just looked at me blankly, and said "youre moving?".I just raised one eyebrow, and remained silent. (debbie is the "friend" at work that told the boss about the labor board). The night before i was sunbathing on a crowded beach,head tilted up, soaking in the sun as i watched the waves crash to the shore. Every morning i wake up feeling like i was in school, enrolled in a crash course, head crammed with knowledge. Only problem is, i can't remember WHAT school i am enrolled in , what the course is, or what it was i was learning!
Yesterday WAS busy from start to end;I got the insurance for the house, went to work, got everything faxed to the refinance guy, got the last employment verification phone call from the new mortgage company, (WHEW!,in the nick of time),and the closing date in definetly set for Friday, at 1pm.Worked til nine pm, went grocery shopping, home at 10pm...Both of the boys are feeling anxious...I am their landmark of security, and that landmark is picking up stakes..I know there will be alot of porch-swing talks, reassuring, calming, explaining over the next two days off. I am ashamed to say that i don't feel like explaining, calming, or reassuring them at all...all i want is to sit by the water alone, and reassure MYSELF, but i will find a way.
Wish i could preview and edit my posts..still no luck with that...So, please forgive the wordy sentences and spelling errors...feels like getting dressed without that last glance in the mirror to see if my slip is showing.
Off to the shower i go, that morning haven i love so well....and then one more day of work, before my two days off. Later.
Tuesday, July 20, 2004
Tuesday Morning~~
Today's going to be a busy day, i can feel it. I have so much energy my eyes feel like lasers...i could melt someone just by looking at them. I should wear soft colors, to mute myself a bit, but i feel RED. WOW!
Settled for hot pink, instead...It's pouring rain, and in a few minutes i am off to the ins. company, then work. All the best laid plans of mice and men, i guess..
Justin was up, wanted to talk, then an early morning phone call from Rikk..no time to write, no time for much of anything, just press on forward, and GO! later...
Today's going to be a busy day, i can feel it. I have so much energy my eyes feel like lasers...i could melt someone just by looking at them. I should wear soft colors, to mute myself a bit, but i feel RED. WOW!
Settled for hot pink, instead...It's pouring rain, and in a few minutes i am off to the ins. company, then work. All the best laid plans of mice and men, i guess..
Justin was up, wanted to talk, then an early morning phone call from Rikk..no time to write, no time for much of anything, just press on forward, and GO! later...
Monday, July 19, 2004
Monday Night, one more time
I have decided not to publish the boys birthday letters to me...I will keep them as a private pleasure..besides, it's just too much accolades to handle...when, no one belongs up on a pedestal..we are just fellow journeyers, thats all.
On my way home from work, i thought how i couldn't wait to get home and write...my fingers tapped impatiently on the steering wheel, i drove a bit too fast. I realized to write publicly is to invite people to dinner. You prepare, you taste, you set it down on the table. Sometimes the fare is fancy, and the candles are lit. sometimes it's just potluck, with paper towels for napkins, a hurried bite. Regardless, the invite is there,to come share. Only eat what you like, eat as much as you want, because there is always plenty more!! And the door is always open....Later.
I have decided not to publish the boys birthday letters to me...I will keep them as a private pleasure..besides, it's just too much accolades to handle...when, no one belongs up on a pedestal..we are just fellow journeyers, thats all.
On my way home from work, i thought how i couldn't wait to get home and write...my fingers tapped impatiently on the steering wheel, i drove a bit too fast. I realized to write publicly is to invite people to dinner. You prepare, you taste, you set it down on the table. Sometimes the fare is fancy, and the candles are lit. sometimes it's just potluck, with paper towels for napkins, a hurried bite. Regardless, the invite is there,to come share. Only eat what you like, eat as much as you want, because there is always plenty more!! And the door is always open....Later.
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