Thursday morning~~
   It's hot and oh so sticky out, and i have looked around my cluttered house with a baleful eye. So much to do, before i even START to do the things i want to do...Last night at 2:45 am, baby oj woke me biting my toes. I tucked them into the sheet, and then moments later..CRASH! Somehow he managed to knock my glass of water off the bedside table...water everywhere! As i mopped it up, Justin came in...
  I never wake well~i am grumpy and groggy and not real, for at least an hour. "Mom? can i talk to you before you go back to sleep?" Sigh. He had been on the computer for hours, researching the history of rock and roll, and the implications of Satanism. JEESHHH!! Scared himself silly, and the crash of the water glass made him think Alistair Crowley had come to visit. "What did i think about the CIA and LSD?" "What did i think about Satan and God?" "Where was he going in his life?" "Why did i always believe the best in people, when there is so much evil in the world?"
  All that, barely awake, and not a drop of coffee in me. Little oj in prime kitten mode, too..pouncing and prancing and doing high dives off my bed.
  We ended up in the dark on the porch swing, me in my robe and him in his boxers, talking til 4am. The last thing he said before we hugged goodnight was "thanks, mom..i can sleep now."
  And me? I lay there in the dark, face to the open window, listening to those strange almost dawn sounds..praying for my baby boy, not a baby, not a man. It is so clear to me that he stands at a fork in the road, hesitating, taking a step, retreating, standing still in confusion.
  I just want to plant my hand in my back, and PUSH.."there, take THAT road"..But i won't, I can't...all i can do is be available..listen..even at 4am.....later.