Friday morning~~
I have been uncomfortable with my thoughts about Rikk the last week or so. Nebulous thoughts, unwelcome ones, swirling like gnats around my head. Most of all, i have felt....disconnected. A long distance relationship is never easy, at it's best. I grocery shop, i garden, i cook, i sleep, with a ghost partner at my side.One cup of coffee poured, my hand, unheld.
He will be in canada another two years raising his son, M. He hasn't gotten the waiver to visit me yet, either. When i move to maryland, we will be a 15 hour drive from each other, instead of 3.
These are all things i can handle, because when i love, i really love, and i can wait. But, the feeling of "disconnect"..that is much harder to deal with. I am having a hard time expressing my feelings with this post, but i guess what i need is...to feel cherished. I need the unexpected card, the call saying "i love you", the reassurance that we are together, even though apart. That's why the feeling of disconnect, i guess. Intimacy, true intimacy, has been elusive in my life. I get close, very close, then pull back. It's safer that way....if you don't love completely, you won't be hurt when they leave..all goes back to the death of my father at 11, and mom at 13, i suppose.
Rikk called last night, and i could feel his unease, too. It took us ten minutes to slip into warmth,because i wasn't my warm,wicked self..more cautious, and cool. Just like my astrological namesake, the crab..withdrawing into my shell..I gathered my courage and told him what i was feeling, instead of holding it in like i normally would do. Ah, connection again...mentally sitting in his lap, my head on his shoulder..And that's the best i am going to get, right now.....Later