Sunday, July 25, 2004

Sunday night~~
it's so hard to write with a house full of people...Todd's girlfriend and the kids...i love them, i do...but, the privacy factor, well..gone.
J. no longer on a high from his cd...negative and calling people evil and saying how ridiculous it is to want a house, and life, when we are just all going to die..(we are all a bunch of trained monkeys, except monkeys aren't evil, like people are, wasting the earths resouces, and practicing ugly habits).Won't even do the dishes as his chore, but, stays in my face, spouting negativity, telling me how horrible his life is(mentioning his "waste" of a father in the next breath).

Rikk emailing me, and telling me i can drive a 15 foot truck 12 hours across the mountains, towing my little car, no problem..."just go slow".(when he knows driving is my phobia, and i am terrified)
When all i want to do is write....i have so much to say...but, have to take a pickaxe, and swing through the obstacles, first...So many, so thick, that my fingers can hardly type....
At least,at the very least, i am keeping my promise to write everyday. That, nothing can stop, even if i have to AUDIO blog.
J. doesn't realize how close, how very close, i am to throwing in the towel. Let his father take over. Let him feed him, clothe him, council him, deal with his black moods.
The only thing that stops me is....what would the final outcome be for my son? I might get a reprieve, but, what will his future be?
I am so bewildered. This is one of the times i just want to run away, or, at the very least, pull the covers over my head, and pretend it all doesnt exist.
Later.
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3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Sometimes men can seem so callous and uncompassionate, unaware of the obvious dangers and hurdels before them. But they also strive boldly into the fray, fully prepared to conquer whatever tribulations they may encounter, no matter how overwhellming the odds.from his comments to you, I believe your Rikk may be one of these type of men, because no one would tell you to venture onto the road like that ,unless he truly belives that you could accomplish that task. He may be just stupid,(many and most of them are) or he truely believes in your abilities to overcome your fears and do what needs to be done, only you can determine if hes right ,by knowing what kind of man he may be.
I have found that people who complain the most about the unfairness and injustice of life..or how bad things are in general, haven't actually experienced it first hand. They usually have very strong opinions and full of facts that they perceive to be the truth, and consequently feel that they must champion this cause for all of the downtrodden. Consequently agitating all those around them that actually have lived through lifes hardships. Nothing is as black and white to those that know otherwise, and nothing more infuriating than listening to and giving acknowledgement to those that only think they understand.
True clarity and humility can only come from experience. I have been reading your blogs and conclude that you have been through many of lifes worst trials and know of what you speak, but you cannot pass these life lessons onto others. Everyone must journey along life's path alone and live and learn for themselves, you cannot live life for them or make someone understand from your experience.
Change is always total and life altering in many forms, sometimes is minor ,but sometimes its major. In any respect it is always a bit tramatic, but what it also brings is greater understanding and humility, even though it may hurt so bad you feel it should have killed you. Nobody wants anyone to have to suffer the trama of lifes upheavals, (especially a mother), but we know the hardest lessons are also the strongest for character building, and strengthening our self and our souls.
I believe your young J needs a taste of truth and hardship (as painful and dramatic as it can be) to temper his feelings of the cruelty of mankind. Send him to live with his father for a week a month or a year, he will grow more in that tramatic time than any other time in his life. Remember when he returns to you he will have matured and found some truth of his own and be better for it.
How can our babies learn the danger of fire unless they have been burned? As horrible as that may sound, its also a truth that must be experienced.
Your own life lessons learned at a young age have made you the loving and sensitive person that you have become, even though you would not wish those experiences visited upon even a stranger, or an enemy.
But would you also deny another the chance to better themselves from trial by fire?
You cannot protect them from all the "evil" in this world, but they should not ever be hidden from it as well. One day J will need to face his demons on his own terms, and unless hes had some practical first hand life lessons to draw upon, then his only option is to submit to them ,surrender and give up. Give him that strength, send him into the jaws of fate with his father, for a week ,a month ,or a year, it will not kill him, and it will make him stronger. When he returns to you, he will be a wiser young man ,but based in knowledge and humility and earned self worth. The world may still be "evil", but he will have eyes that can now see the greys between the black and the white. He will have the armour of experience to fight when he can, accept what he cannot fight, and the mental state to know the difference, no longer will his only option be to quit and hide, or complain.
Who knows he may even become a champion of the injustice of the world? If only his mother can be strong enough to send him naked into the lions den.
Men learn and grow in different ways than us women, it seems harsher and less tolerable and even foolishly full of stupid obvious mistakes, but what and how they learn makes them the men that they are, the harder the lesson the stronger they learn. and the harder the lesson learned the better men they become.
Traditionally a mother can teach them love, compassion, warmth and trust, but only other men can teach them strength ,self value, justice ,temperance and nobility. Together from both sides, they learn to care, first for themselves and then for others.
No matter who teaches them what,or how the lesson is learned, the struggle of lifes journey is to learn tolerance ,forgivness and determination against any hardship or injustice should be the goal.

3:05 PM
Anonymous said...

Dear Kari..you are so wrong, it is because he thinks he is somehow separate and above the "evil" of mankind that he is the way he is. All of Lisas hard work hasn't helped so far, he continues to dig his hole of depression and wants others to jump in there with him. Perhaps if he were to see what was at the bottom, "his father", then he would stop digging and start climbing, until he experiences that he will continue to dig himself so deep that both he and Lisa will never get out of it. No matter "where" he lives, that is not the problem. right now he sees himself as above and superior and apart from everyone, and one day he will have to fall from that lofty perch straight into his dark deep hole pulling his mother in along the way. Part of teaching our children to suceed is to also teach them of failure.I never said she had to abandon him to his fathers fate,just to live it a while, a week a month or a year, rest assured he will come running back to her, wiser and more humble, on level ground with the rest of us, both good and evil, not so judgemental and full of blame on those that don't deserve it.He needs to see that he doesn't think differently from "us", and that choices have consequences,he needs to be less selfish and not act so spoiled in his attitude towards everything and everyone. Nothing can fix that faster than a dose of reality. Sometimes a situation must get worse before it can ever start to get better. Continuing to make the bandage better will not stop the infection, at some point u must apply painful medicine or amputate, in order to save the body. Perhaps his father needs this as well, something to change radically in his life to start climbing out of his bottomless pit? Neither one of them "wants this cure", but it may be whats best for both of them. In the meanwhile, where is "wonderful" Rikk during all this? I suppose its not really his problem, but what does his male perception think and why hasn't he offered any advice? Or has he? Often times men have hard advice, but its to deal with a young man as well, and men tend to go with their gut instincts, especially when it comes to other men.
So follow your heart Lisa, but temper it with the logic your brain tells you as well. Remember that all of this is just advice, you will have to know whats best to do for all involved.

3:52 PM
Anonymous said...

Well from everything I've read on this blogger site. Lisa's, Amedeus, Blap, and including all of your archives as well Kari. I feel like I have a certain idea of you people and all the ones you write about, and no matter where you go, people are pretty much the same and are motivated by many of the same situtaions that we all have to deal with. I see much of the same in my circle of friends and relations. I see all the same attitudes and reactions repeated in their lives as well.
If any of you can step back outside of yourselves and view yourselves as strangers, then much of the situation becomes clearly obvious. Yes its easy to critical of others, but oh so difficult to see ourselves in cold harsh light of our own reality. BUT....when you have no connection to those you observe, you also have no reason to make false statements. I'm only commenting on what I see , relating this to situations I have experienced or witness in my personal life.
From all that I've read. and the reactions I see in your blogs, I can tell that J has been told too often that he is special and different from all others, and those words compliled with a Leo"s attitude can only result in a selfish self serving attitude where he feels his opinion is law and everyone around him is inferior and ridiculously stupid. Now you have an opinionated, close minded,uncontrolable monster on your hands.I don't envy Lisa's challenge before her, but I do know that you must stop feeding the beast and introduce him back into the herd, where he must be forced to see that he is just the same as everyone else and in the same boat.Not above nor below, and adjust to the status quo.If he truely is different and above the rest then that would show in his achievements and abilities that would clearly shine out strong and bold.
From all I've read about you in you blogs I can see that you are a broodingly dark, soulful,steeped in self inflicted torturous painful mood swings, feelings of lonliness and empty realities based on your short life of minor experiences....in brief a typical teenager, making mountains from molehills and proclaiming to the world that life is a hypocracy and full of injustice and meaningless anger.Unfortunately only time and age will mellow your attitude and temper your beliefs.. its a journey we have all tread,My best advice to you is to LIGHTEN UP..enjoy every small pleasure you can and forget the weight of the world. What will be ,will be, aim high, accept only what is good in your life and fix or cut away the bad, but never dwell in the darkness, when there is so much to accomplish in the goals of the future and rewards of your own making. But you have to see and do it in the light, because only a very few of us can see properly in the dark.

2:28 PM

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