Friday Night~~
It's almost nine-thirty pm., and the "rosy little glow" has turned into an all out forest fire.!Guess it's been longer then i thought since i was out in sun...Is it a cool bath with white vinegar? or oil myself down? Or perhaps, vinegar AND oil in the bath, the salad dressing cure?
I don't know, but time to get these clothes off and find SOME relief...Later
Friday, July 09, 2004
Friday Early Evening~~
Do i really have the courage to leave this place? It is very beautiful, this magical little cottage. The blackberries on the side of the garage are ripening, and everywhere i look, i see beauty that i have planted, nur
tured,and patiently seen to fruition. Wouldn't it be wiser to stay safe? Safe in what i know, safe in the familiar? Work is horrible,and the winters destroy me,but...at least they are known dangers..right?
Besides, only three hours from Rikk, instead of 15..and,.aren't i too old to begin again? I have friends here, too..and I will miss Todd...
Sigh. it's no use. I do have the courage. I hear the call, the heart whisper,that's it's time for a new beginning. I can make magic anew. I can leave here, knowing that i did a good job., with my children, with this home, with the challenges at work that i have faced.
Time to go to the sea, to walk with the ponies on the beach, to go to the next chapter. I am still scared,, though.Later...
Do i really have the courage to leave this place? It is very beautiful, this magical little cottage. The blackberries on the side of the garage are ripening, and everywhere i look, i see beauty that i have planted, nur
tured,and patiently seen to fruition. Wouldn't it be wiser to stay safe? Safe in what i know, safe in the familiar? Work is horrible,and the winters destroy me,but...at least they are known dangers..right?
Besides, only three hours from Rikk, instead of 15..and,.aren't i too old to begin again? I have friends here, too..and I will miss Todd...
Sigh. it's no use. I do have the courage. I hear the call, the heart whisper,that's it's time for a new beginning. I can make magic anew. I can leave here, knowing that i did a good job., with my children, with this home, with the challenges at work that i have faced.
Time to go to the sea, to walk with the ponies on the beach, to go to the next chapter. I am still scared,, though.Later...
Friday Morning~~
I love listening to music in my jammies with my morning coffee as i write. This morning it's Mars Lasar., sexy new age instrumental, that makes me feel like slipping on a backpack and adventuring.
I know one place i won't be adventuring to very often, though...E-BAY!!!
I now own 15 antique hatpins(one topped with a glass fox)an antique fox wildlife engraving, two fox books, and a antique photo of a Canadian fox farm...LOL!I am very disaplined when it comes to shopping, though. I hate malls, and my innate thriftiness won't allow me to buy things new when there are so many interesting thrift shops around. Some of my best outfits come from the Salvation Army, some of my most cherished furnishing from garage sales. As long as my house is cozy, i'm happy.
The sun is bright and beautiful, and i am heading to the beach!!Yippie!!!!!!!!!! Later.
I love listening to music in my jammies with my morning coffee as i write. This morning it's Mars Lasar., sexy new age instrumental, that makes me feel like slipping on a backpack and adventuring.
I know one place i won't be adventuring to very often, though...E-BAY!!!
I now own 15 antique hatpins(one topped with a glass fox)an antique fox wildlife engraving, two fox books, and a antique photo of a Canadian fox farm...LOL!I am very disaplined when it comes to shopping, though. I hate malls, and my innate thriftiness won't allow me to buy things new when there are so many interesting thrift shops around. Some of my best outfits come from the Salvation Army, some of my most cherished furnishing from garage sales. As long as my house is cozy, i'm happy.
The sun is bright and beautiful, and i am heading to the beach!!Yippie!!!!!!!!!! Later.
Thursday, July 08, 2004
Thursday,early Evening~~
OMIGOD!!!!!!!!!i have just discovered E-Bay....This is a very dangerous place for a confirmed garage-sailor...I have already bought a 1882 print of a Fox, and have a bid on a collection of antique hatpins(one being a fox), fox fabric, a child's book titled"The Brave Fox", and an antique book called "Mountain Girl" by Genevive Fox. I am in big trouble. I bid with abandon, but never went over Seven dollars and 18 cents...
Don't laugh...with the refinance so close, and trying to pay off the 800.00 car in full, PLUS pay the 1200 for the mortgage, 400.00 for the Intrepid i don't drive, before eating, paying electric, ect.., i have no business on E-bay.
Sure was fun, though. Yippie-I-Oh-Ki-A!!!!!!!!!(That is vintage 50's American slang for "holy crap, i am riding rough and loving it!"
Oh, well...call it an early birthday present to myself..
NOTE: if any of you are in similar financial straits...DON'T GO TO EBAY!!!! Later.....wink, wink....
OMIGOD!!!!!!!!!i have just discovered E-Bay....This is a very dangerous place for a confirmed garage-sailor...I have already bought a 1882 print of a Fox, and have a bid on a collection of antique hatpins(one being a fox), fox fabric, a child's book titled"The Brave Fox", and an antique book called "Mountain Girl" by Genevive Fox. I am in big trouble. I bid with abandon, but never went over Seven dollars and 18 cents...
Don't laugh...with the refinance so close, and trying to pay off the 800.00 car in full, PLUS pay the 1200 for the mortgage, 400.00 for the Intrepid i don't drive, before eating, paying electric, ect.., i have no business on E-bay.
Sure was fun, though. Yippie-I-Oh-Ki-A!!!!!!!!!(That is vintage 50's American slang for "holy crap, i am riding rough and loving it!"
Oh, well...call it an early birthday present to myself..
NOTE: if any of you are in similar financial straits...DON'T GO TO EBAY!!!! Later.....wink, wink....
Thursday afternoon~~
Brooklyn and I decided to target tomorrow as a better beach day. I don't think i will make the movie, and, i guess shamefully, i don't want to go to a movie alone. We independant women are supposed to cheerfully, purposefully, enjoy such pastimes..i think they have even written articles about it. Not me. I want to go to a dark movie theater with a lover, hold hands, get a sneaky kiss on the neck, or maybe a slow caress on my thigh...or go with a girlfriend, someone who is as comfortable as an old flannel nightgown,a fireplace, and a good book. Both exquisite pleasures, just different.
Right now i am plowing through the computer room, tackling the piles and piles of stuff, and finding little strings to my heart. Recipes for baked beans, spiritual stories tucked into folders, long forgotten bills paid, (and unpaid..uhoh!),photos of the kids, tucked into quickly scribbled recipes....I can't die, for at least another 50 years. It would be too much of a job to get rid of my "Stuff".
Justin, Todd....i write all these words, this entire blog, as a matter of fact., in an effort for you to know your momma...I am not just the one who loves you, no matter what...I am not just the one that says"NO!...I am not just the cook, maid, phycologist(damn, could never spell that word),keeper of all things familiar....I am a woman, with a heart and mind and soul that you just don't really know....It is too much to fathom now, but, believe me, someday you will ache and wonder and ponder..."what was she REALLY like?"
Well, this blog tells you...make your own assessments...
I am not planning to die or anything, though, just the fact that i am writing this makes me nervous...self-fulfilling prophesies and all....
Back to all my "stuff"...later
Brooklyn and I decided to target tomorrow as a better beach day. I don't think i will make the movie, and, i guess shamefully, i don't want to go to a movie alone. We independant women are supposed to cheerfully, purposefully, enjoy such pastimes..i think they have even written articles about it. Not me. I want to go to a dark movie theater with a lover, hold hands, get a sneaky kiss on the neck, or maybe a slow caress on my thigh...or go with a girlfriend, someone who is as comfortable as an old flannel nightgown,a fireplace, and a good book. Both exquisite pleasures, just different.
Right now i am plowing through the computer room, tackling the piles and piles of stuff, and finding little strings to my heart. Recipes for baked beans, spiritual stories tucked into folders, long forgotten bills paid, (and unpaid..uhoh!),photos of the kids, tucked into quickly scribbled recipes....I can't die, for at least another 50 years. It would be too much of a job to get rid of my "Stuff".
Justin, Todd....i write all these words, this entire blog, as a matter of fact., in an effort for you to know your momma...I am not just the one who loves you, no matter what...I am not just the one that says"NO!...I am not just the cook, maid, phycologist(damn, could never spell that word),keeper of all things familiar....I am a woman, with a heart and mind and soul that you just don't really know....It is too much to fathom now, but, believe me, someday you will ache and wonder and ponder..."what was she REALLY like?"
Well, this blog tells you...make your own assessments...
I am not planning to die or anything, though, just the fact that i am writing this makes me nervous...self-fulfilling prophesies and all....
Back to all my "stuff"...later
Thursday Morning~~
My day off, and i was excited because i made plans to go to the lake with my friend Kathleen(aka Brooklyn). A long, lazy day, swimming, girl-yakking, reading..all the while doing a slow, warm bake in the sun.
Not to be, sigh...I'm wearing jeans and a sweatshirt, and its cold and gloomy out. sighh...That's okay, just have to switch gears to plan B. Clean the house, go to the bank, pack somemore, and then, maybe a movie in the afternoon....something dramatic and epic with a little smooching and romance thrown in..
Better get to it...the day's 'awastin.....Later
My day off, and i was excited because i made plans to go to the lake with my friend Kathleen(aka Brooklyn). A long, lazy day, swimming, girl-yakking, reading..all the while doing a slow, warm bake in the sun.
Not to be, sigh...I'm wearing jeans and a sweatshirt, and its cold and gloomy out. sighh...That's okay, just have to switch gears to plan B. Clean the house, go to the bank, pack somemore, and then, maybe a movie in the afternoon....something dramatic and epic with a little smooching and romance thrown in..
Better get to it...the day's 'awastin.....Later
Wednesday, July 07, 2004
wednesday night~~(dedicated to divaheart)
Cleaning, a woman's meditation....None of us like to clean...but, once we start, there is a beauty, a peace, to cleaning...We start because we can't stand the clutter anymore, we see it as a symbol of our lives...cluttered, dirty, uncared for...a state that not a woman i know can tolerate for long. The dirty fingerprints along the front door become a lover's betrayal, the ring around the tub our financial worries...and the pile of laundry, spilling from the basket and growing like fungus on the bedroom floor...our inability to take charge of our lives.
So, we clean. We clean hard, too.On hands and knees, we attack the dirt that a quick "pick-up-the-house-it's-fine" doesn't even begin to cover.
With each swipe of the cloth, with each spray of bleach, we clean away our sorrow, and our anger, our tears incorporated into the scent of disinfectant, and we make things...Clean.
We become the women that we want to be.(We dream this as we clean) Our children are happy, our partners revel in our perfection. Our makeup is perfect, and our careers are fortune 500 dreamscopes.
We clean some more. Tired, now, we realize that we cannot change our lover's betrayals, our anxieties about money, our children's sucesses or failures, our makeup, the size of our bums, or the fact that our careers might be just a way to survive.
But, a sweet, clean scent wafts through the house. All is in order, and our homes look like just that...well cared for, tidy, HOMES....not the dives we felt hopeless in when we started.
What did we accomplish? Probably saved a few boyfriends, children, and bosses...The cleaning time didn't just make us tired, it gave us time to think, to meditate, to really decide what needed to be an issue, and what, well...just needed a bit of a scrub..... Later....
Cleaning, a woman's meditation....None of us like to clean...but, once we start, there is a beauty, a peace, to cleaning...We start because we can't stand the clutter anymore, we see it as a symbol of our lives...cluttered, dirty, uncared for...a state that not a woman i know can tolerate for long. The dirty fingerprints along the front door become a lover's betrayal, the ring around the tub our financial worries...and the pile of laundry, spilling from the basket and growing like fungus on the bedroom floor...our inability to take charge of our lives.
So, we clean. We clean hard, too.On hands and knees, we attack the dirt that a quick "pick-up-the-house-it's-fine" doesn't even begin to cover.
With each swipe of the cloth, with each spray of bleach, we clean away our sorrow, and our anger, our tears incorporated into the scent of disinfectant, and we make things...Clean.
We become the women that we want to be.(We dream this as we clean) Our children are happy, our partners revel in our perfection. Our makeup is perfect, and our careers are fortune 500 dreamscopes.
We clean some more. Tired, now, we realize that we cannot change our lover's betrayals, our anxieties about money, our children's sucesses or failures, our makeup, the size of our bums, or the fact that our careers might be just a way to survive.
But, a sweet, clean scent wafts through the house. All is in order, and our homes look like just that...well cared for, tidy, HOMES....not the dives we felt hopeless in when we started.
What did we accomplish? Probably saved a few boyfriends, children, and bosses...The cleaning time didn't just make us tired, it gave us time to think, to meditate, to really decide what needed to be an issue, and what, well...just needed a bit of a scrub..... Later....
Tuesday, July 06, 2004
Tuesday Night~~
I didn't get to write this morning, because my sister called, and i preferred talking to her...though, all the while, sentences raced in my head...When people talk to me, i do some weird mental exercises...I translate their stories.. saving, cataloging, editing,writing them, deep inside.Some i would never tell, because they gave me their deepest heart, and that is sacred, other bits, i use, enjoy, taste, delight in.
Today was such a PEOPLE day...Glorious!!! The young girl, Leah, who needed a job, sleeping on blankets in an empty apartment, that i hooked up with a waitress job...only to find her Dad owns a resort in the Upper Pennisula..(she didnt want to ask him for more money)The woman that cried on the phone...telling me a horror story of beatings, sexual abuse, and illness, while i listened, dumbfounded, wondering how in the world i got into the conversation, helplessly praying for her....(it all started out with her asking for the cheapest twin mattress)..The lady who i sold a bed to, over a year ago, that had a comfort return, and we exchanged it for the bed that I own,(not MY bed, the same model) that told me her new boyfriend had to have the exact bed, for when she slept at his house....only to find she ran a plant business, and will hire justin for the summer...The list goes on and on.....and at the same time, i had a very good sales day, did my ordering, revamped the futon room, and helped edit the advertising and give my imput on changes within the commission structure...
I am so tired my eyes are crossed....I made a new friend, too...a rep for a furniture company that has given us some serious delivery trials...
He is sending me a (GUESS WHAT!) cardinals t-shirt...because he lives in St. Louis....i will wear the shirt proudly....
Baby kitty is doing his nursing/thumb thing...jeeeshhh...what's a mother to do? Later......
I didn't get to write this morning, because my sister called, and i preferred talking to her...though, all the while, sentences raced in my head...When people talk to me, i do some weird mental exercises...I translate their stories.. saving, cataloging, editing,writing them, deep inside.Some i would never tell, because they gave me their deepest heart, and that is sacred, other bits, i use, enjoy, taste, delight in.
Today was such a PEOPLE day...Glorious!!! The young girl, Leah, who needed a job, sleeping on blankets in an empty apartment, that i hooked up with a waitress job...only to find her Dad owns a resort in the Upper Pennisula..(she didnt want to ask him for more money)The woman that cried on the phone...telling me a horror story of beatings, sexual abuse, and illness, while i listened, dumbfounded, wondering how in the world i got into the conversation, helplessly praying for her....(it all started out with her asking for the cheapest twin mattress)..The lady who i sold a bed to, over a year ago, that had a comfort return, and we exchanged it for the bed that I own,(not MY bed, the same model) that told me her new boyfriend had to have the exact bed, for when she slept at his house....only to find she ran a plant business, and will hire justin for the summer...The list goes on and on.....and at the same time, i had a very good sales day, did my ordering, revamped the futon room, and helped edit the advertising and give my imput on changes within the commission structure...
I am so tired my eyes are crossed....I made a new friend, too...a rep for a furniture company that has given us some serious delivery trials...
He is sending me a (GUESS WHAT!) cardinals t-shirt...because he lives in St. Louis....i will wear the shirt proudly....
Baby kitty is doing his nursing/thumb thing...jeeeshhh...what's a mother to do? Later......
Monday, July 05, 2004
Monday night~~
it is hard to type, because baby orange kitty is nursing on my thumb.He is insistant, and won't let go, and as i drag my thumb to the keyboard, he comes with it. He suckles like a human baby, with those sweet, moist sounds, and the gentle pressure of insatiable need. Some day, my boys will read this post...Will they be horrified? Will they see Oepedius incarnate, rearing his ugly head? Or can i somehow describe the sonata of joy, the utter serenity, of a baby at my breast?
So... i will try.....
1982....
You will not take formula, and i only tried it because the doctors said it was best...one taste, and you spit it out, and you don't like being alone in your crib, either. Your face reddens in rage, and i know what to do. Wrapped in my arms, snuggled deep in my bed, mouth to me, you drink deep, listening to the beating of my heart. You quiet, and i ...i feel ferocious, the need to protect and feed and keep you safe almost a growl in my throat,intwinded with a peace, so deep, a sense of belonging, so endless, that all i can do is let you drink...both of us wordless, speaking volumes......
Baby kitty is sleeping, chin touching the desk....as so should i be...Oh, and...( SORRY, GEORGE!)i know u will hate this one, lol....Later
it is hard to type, because baby orange kitty is nursing on my thumb.He is insistant, and won't let go, and as i drag my thumb to the keyboard, he comes with it. He suckles like a human baby, with those sweet, moist sounds, and the gentle pressure of insatiable need. Some day, my boys will read this post...Will they be horrified? Will they see Oepedius incarnate, rearing his ugly head? Or can i somehow describe the sonata of joy, the utter serenity, of a baby at my breast?
So... i will try.....
1982....
You will not take formula, and i only tried it because the doctors said it was best...one taste, and you spit it out, and you don't like being alone in your crib, either. Your face reddens in rage, and i know what to do. Wrapped in my arms, snuggled deep in my bed, mouth to me, you drink deep, listening to the beating of my heart. You quiet, and i ...i feel ferocious, the need to protect and feed and keep you safe almost a growl in my throat,intwinded with a peace, so deep, a sense of belonging, so endless, that all i can do is let you drink...both of us wordless, speaking volumes......
Baby kitty is sleeping, chin touching the desk....as so should i be...Oh, and...( SORRY, GEORGE!)i know u will hate this one, lol....Later
Monday Morning~
The BOOM BOOM BOOM of the fireworkers is finally over. My neighborhood is a throwback from the fifties...Small ranch and bungalows,neat little lawns,encircled by towering maples you can't get your arms around.Carefully tended gardens, with tomato plants and sunflowers and lots of rosebushes. People here borrow weed-wackers and sugur, and lean on their rakes to talk over the fence. I like that. Even after the royalties start coming in from my first book( optimism at it's best),I will NEVER live in one of those huge musoleums they call a home now. You know the ones, the "Thank God i don't drink because I would stumble into the wrong house" kinda yuppie mansions,that all look alike except for the color of the door and designer landscaping treatment. Give me an old house with creaky wooden floors and some individuality any day. Give me neighbors that are really neighbors, any day. I don't even think all of us lock our doors here, though that might just be denial of our violent society.
Told Rikk on the phone last night about giving away the Dodge colt. I wasn't looking forward to it, because i knew the Scot/Dutchman in him was going to freak. "You GAVE it away???" I think the quote he used after that was "No good deed will go unpunished". Modern translation, " Good guys finish last". I have heard that incredulous tone before, when i do things like that, from my sisters, especially. Almost like they are dealing with a mentally impaired child. I don't care, really. I never deny that heart voice inside. It keeps my hand in God's, somehow. Off to work i go.....Later.
The BOOM BOOM BOOM of the fireworkers is finally over. My neighborhood is a throwback from the fifties...Small ranch and bungalows,neat little lawns,encircled by towering maples you can't get your arms around.Carefully tended gardens, with tomato plants and sunflowers and lots of rosebushes. People here borrow weed-wackers and sugur, and lean on their rakes to talk over the fence. I like that. Even after the royalties start coming in from my first book( optimism at it's best),I will NEVER live in one of those huge musoleums they call a home now. You know the ones, the "Thank God i don't drink because I would stumble into the wrong house" kinda yuppie mansions,that all look alike except for the color of the door and designer landscaping treatment. Give me an old house with creaky wooden floors and some individuality any day. Give me neighbors that are really neighbors, any day. I don't even think all of us lock our doors here, though that might just be denial of our violent society.
Told Rikk on the phone last night about giving away the Dodge colt. I wasn't looking forward to it, because i knew the Scot/Dutchman in him was going to freak. "You GAVE it away???" I think the quote he used after that was "No good deed will go unpunished". Modern translation, " Good guys finish last". I have heard that incredulous tone before, when i do things like that, from my sisters, especially. Almost like they are dealing with a mentally impaired child. I don't care, really. I never deny that heart voice inside. It keeps my hand in God's, somehow. Off to work i go.....Later.
Sunday, July 04, 2004
Happy 4th!!
I just said goodbye to my 1989 dodge colt hatchback. Say goodbye to a car? You bet. That car was more loyal then most men i have known. After i left the mattress store for the 2nd time, i fell into a terrible financial state. My brand new intrepid was repossessed. My house in jeopardy, narrowly escaping foreclosure. I was working at the gourmet catering firm, loving it, but trying desperately to pay my bills. I never thought i would see the mattress store again, but then i got the call. New owners...owners who had heard about my reputation in sales. "would i come back?" I didn't want to. I was struggling so much financially, cooking, but, i had lost 20 lbs, in sheer hard work and exuberance, and looked forward to each day...creating, tasting, being ALIVE in my work.I knew if i went back i would gain weight again, with the 11 hours a day eating junkfood on the fly, the pains would come back in my neck and shoulders, the association with cutthroat, immoral people would be my life.
I did it anyway. My kids needed more then my excuses "i don't have the money" They needed groceries, not my 101 ways with pasta and a can of tuna fish. I wanted the simple amenities back, cable tv, garbage pickup(my neighbors let me put my garbage with theirs).,
And that little car? I had been driving the company catering van after my car was repo'd. I had to give it back, of course, when i started at that mattress store. So...no money built up in commissions yet, i begged rides from my coworkers and friends. Hard to do, because i don't like to ask anyone for anything. I ended up at a little used car lot. I had to be at work in one hour. "what do you have that runs, for 400.oo dollars?" i asked. The salesman's name was Raz(swear to God). He tried everything to step me up to a car with payments., even with my bad credit. " I don't think i made myself clear", i said." I have 400.00 dollars. Thats it. What can i drive off the lot for that?" It was December 11th, and the snow was gently billowing from the gray clouds. He led me to the back lot, and i grabbed his arm to keep from slipping in my heels. And there it was...a mediocre brown, tiny dodge colt. "I'll TAKE it!" i said. We did the paperwork, Raz shaking his head in disapproval, and then handed me the key. "You do drive stick, right?"
Oh sweet God in Heaven Above! I hadn't driven stick since Todd was a baby....YEARS AGO....."Sure do" I said...i just need a quick lesson.."How do i get in reverse?"..
Twenty minutes left to get to work...I drove that little car right off the lot, with a paper tag in the rear window. I stalled, and humped, and shook all the way to work, but i made it. The brakes were bad, the radiator leaked, and the speedometer only worked in warm weather. But it never left me by the roadside, and always got me where i wanted to go.
It needs a new home, with a guy that will take care of it, fix it, understand it. I bought a 800.00 car, and i have to confess i don't like it much, but, it will do, for now.
The colt's new home? I gave it away, to the young delivery guy at work. He hasn't any money, and he is newly married with a baby. I know everyone thinks i am crazy for not selling it, but, it came to me as a gift...who but the angels could have made a 400.00 car last almost 2 years with no repairs? So a gift it will remain, to be passed on....Later.
I just said goodbye to my 1989 dodge colt hatchback. Say goodbye to a car? You bet. That car was more loyal then most men i have known. After i left the mattress store for the 2nd time, i fell into a terrible financial state. My brand new intrepid was repossessed. My house in jeopardy, narrowly escaping foreclosure. I was working at the gourmet catering firm, loving it, but trying desperately to pay my bills. I never thought i would see the mattress store again, but then i got the call. New owners...owners who had heard about my reputation in sales. "would i come back?" I didn't want to. I was struggling so much financially, cooking, but, i had lost 20 lbs, in sheer hard work and exuberance, and looked forward to each day...creating, tasting, being ALIVE in my work.I knew if i went back i would gain weight again, with the 11 hours a day eating junkfood on the fly, the pains would come back in my neck and shoulders, the association with cutthroat, immoral people would be my life.
I did it anyway. My kids needed more then my excuses "i don't have the money" They needed groceries, not my 101 ways with pasta and a can of tuna fish. I wanted the simple amenities back, cable tv, garbage pickup(my neighbors let me put my garbage with theirs).,
And that little car? I had been driving the company catering van after my car was repo'd. I had to give it back, of course, when i started at that mattress store. So...no money built up in commissions yet, i begged rides from my coworkers and friends. Hard to do, because i don't like to ask anyone for anything. I ended up at a little used car lot. I had to be at work in one hour. "what do you have that runs, for 400.oo dollars?" i asked. The salesman's name was Raz(swear to God). He tried everything to step me up to a car with payments., even with my bad credit. " I don't think i made myself clear", i said." I have 400.00 dollars. Thats it. What can i drive off the lot for that?" It was December 11th, and the snow was gently billowing from the gray clouds. He led me to the back lot, and i grabbed his arm to keep from slipping in my heels. And there it was...a mediocre brown, tiny dodge colt. "I'll TAKE it!" i said. We did the paperwork, Raz shaking his head in disapproval, and then handed me the key. "You do drive stick, right?"
Oh sweet God in Heaven Above! I hadn't driven stick since Todd was a baby....YEARS AGO....."Sure do" I said...i just need a quick lesson.."How do i get in reverse?"..
Twenty minutes left to get to work...I drove that little car right off the lot, with a paper tag in the rear window. I stalled, and humped, and shook all the way to work, but i made it. The brakes were bad, the radiator leaked, and the speedometer only worked in warm weather. But it never left me by the roadside, and always got me where i wanted to go.
It needs a new home, with a guy that will take care of it, fix it, understand it. I bought a 800.00 car, and i have to confess i don't like it much, but, it will do, for now.
The colt's new home? I gave it away, to the young delivery guy at work. He hasn't any money, and he is newly married with a baby. I know everyone thinks i am crazy for not selling it, but, it came to me as a gift...who but the angels could have made a 400.00 car last almost 2 years with no repairs? So a gift it will remain, to be passed on....Later.
Saturday, July 03, 2004
Saturday Night~~
The sun is sinking, and i guess i have been, too. I know somewhere there are parties, and fireworks, but, i am home alone. I feel like i was dropped off on a deserted island, yet, somewhere close, yachts are motoring by...The boys are out, and half of me is glad, because i can have quiet time, the other half....pissy. Well, i have a choice., either mope around, or use the time to be happy. I choose happy. I don't want to go to the fireworks alone, it's just too sad. I am going to blast Louie Armstrong, dance a little, and who knows? .
Ps..the only reason i wrote this blog tonight was because i promised myself NOTHING would stop me from writing everyday, unless i had no computer to do it with......Later.
The sun is sinking, and i guess i have been, too. I know somewhere there are parties, and fireworks, but, i am home alone. I feel like i was dropped off on a deserted island, yet, somewhere close, yachts are motoring by...The boys are out, and half of me is glad, because i can have quiet time, the other half....pissy. Well, i have a choice., either mope around, or use the time to be happy. I choose happy. I don't want to go to the fireworks alone, it's just too sad. I am going to blast Louie Armstrong, dance a little, and who knows? .
Ps..the only reason i wrote this blog tonight was because i promised myself NOTHING would stop me from writing everyday, unless i had no computer to do it with......Later.
Friday, July 02, 2004
Friday Night~~
One of these days i will stop....just never stop seeing things that can be cleaned, fixed, or made better, i guess. Today's project was sorting, dusting, and packing my cookbooks..I seperated them into catagories...baking, international, regional, how to, specialty, ect. Yikes! How did i collect so many? 132 boxed already, and each one's an old and valued friend. I am sure i have some in my bedroom, too...sigh. I am yawning like mad, and it's time for a nice cool shower and maybe a little tv...See you tomorrow!
One of these days i will stop....just never stop seeing things that can be cleaned, fixed, or made better, i guess. Today's project was sorting, dusting, and packing my cookbooks..I seperated them into catagories...baking, international, regional, how to, specialty, ect. Yikes! How did i collect so many? 132 boxed already, and each one's an old and valued friend. I am sure i have some in my bedroom, too...sigh. I am yawning like mad, and it's time for a nice cool shower and maybe a little tv...See you tomorrow!
Friday morning~~
I have been uncomfortable with my thoughts about Rikk the last week or so. Nebulous thoughts, unwelcome ones, swirling like gnats around my head. Most of all, i have felt....disconnected. A long distance relationship is never easy, at it's best. I grocery shop, i garden, i cook, i sleep, with a ghost partner at my side.One cup of coffee poured, my hand, unheld.
He will be in canada another two years raising his son, M. He hasn't gotten the waiver to visit me yet, either. When i move to maryland, we will be a 15 hour drive from each other, instead of 3.
These are all things i can handle, because when i love, i really love, and i can wait. But, the feeling of "disconnect"..that is much harder to deal with. I am having a hard time expressing my feelings with this post, but i guess what i need is...to feel cherished. I need the unexpected card, the call saying "i love you", the reassurance that we are together, even though apart. That's why the feeling of disconnect, i guess. Intimacy, true intimacy, has been elusive in my life. I get close, very close, then pull back. It's safer that way....if you don't love completely, you won't be hurt when they leave..all goes back to the death of my father at 11, and mom at 13, i suppose.
Rikk called last night, and i could feel his unease, too. It took us ten minutes to slip into warmth,because i wasn't my warm,wicked self..more cautious, and cool. Just like my astrological namesake, the crab..withdrawing into my shell..I gathered my courage and told him what i was feeling, instead of holding it in like i normally would do. Ah, connection again...mentally sitting in his lap, my head on his shoulder..And that's the best i am going to get, right now.....Later
I have been uncomfortable with my thoughts about Rikk the last week or so. Nebulous thoughts, unwelcome ones, swirling like gnats around my head. Most of all, i have felt....disconnected. A long distance relationship is never easy, at it's best. I grocery shop, i garden, i cook, i sleep, with a ghost partner at my side.One cup of coffee poured, my hand, unheld.
He will be in canada another two years raising his son, M. He hasn't gotten the waiver to visit me yet, either. When i move to maryland, we will be a 15 hour drive from each other, instead of 3.
These are all things i can handle, because when i love, i really love, and i can wait. But, the feeling of "disconnect"..that is much harder to deal with. I am having a hard time expressing my feelings with this post, but i guess what i need is...to feel cherished. I need the unexpected card, the call saying "i love you", the reassurance that we are together, even though apart. That's why the feeling of disconnect, i guess. Intimacy, true intimacy, has been elusive in my life. I get close, very close, then pull back. It's safer that way....if you don't love completely, you won't be hurt when they leave..all goes back to the death of my father at 11, and mom at 13, i suppose.
Rikk called last night, and i could feel his unease, too. It took us ten minutes to slip into warmth,because i wasn't my warm,wicked self..more cautious, and cool. Just like my astrological namesake, the crab..withdrawing into my shell..I gathered my courage and told him what i was feeling, instead of holding it in like i normally would do. Ah, connection again...mentally sitting in his lap, my head on his shoulder..And that's the best i am going to get, right now.....Later
Thursday, July 01, 2004
Thursday Night~~
Ah, fresh out of the shower, delicious! Girly style, too, not my no nonsense work shower in the am...Took my time slathering soap, sang with the plastic fish radio pasted to the shower wall, and afterwards a lavish creaming with lotions and oils. So here i sit, damp-haired and sweet, ready to call it a day. I lied...i didn't go play. I compromised, called the yard work play, and cleaned out the garage. That is one horrible place. Spiders, lots and lots of spiders. Big ones, skinny legged ones, suspicious black widow types and all of them just eyeballing me...No one can tell me they are like other insects. Roaches, centipides, bees, earwigs...i can face them with barely a shudder, but put me within two feet of a spider and i am jumping and doing that primal fight or flight posturing. You know why? They are smart, that's why. They think. They feel, and they know i am afraid. What better way to get a chuckle then to jump on a giant? Better yet, one with yards of hair to run rampant in. Yuck. At least it's done. Things to leave for Todd and Kimberly on the left, things to sell in the center, things to take to maryland on the right. One more big thing accomplished...My book is calling, my water is ice cold, and my feet are going to be UPPPPPPPP. Later.
Ah, fresh out of the shower, delicious! Girly style, too, not my no nonsense work shower in the am...Took my time slathering soap, sang with the plastic fish radio pasted to the shower wall, and afterwards a lavish creaming with lotions and oils. So here i sit, damp-haired and sweet, ready to call it a day. I lied...i didn't go play. I compromised, called the yard work play, and cleaned out the garage. That is one horrible place. Spiders, lots and lots of spiders. Big ones, skinny legged ones, suspicious black widow types and all of them just eyeballing me...No one can tell me they are like other insects. Roaches, centipides, bees, earwigs...i can face them with barely a shudder, but put me within two feet of a spider and i am jumping and doing that primal fight or flight posturing. You know why? They are smart, that's why. They think. They feel, and they know i am afraid. What better way to get a chuckle then to jump on a giant? Better yet, one with yards of hair to run rampant in. Yuck. At least it's done. Things to leave for Todd and Kimberly on the left, things to sell in the center, things to take to maryland on the right. One more big thing accomplished...My book is calling, my water is ice cold, and my feet are going to be UPPPPPPPP. Later.
Thursday afternoon~~
So many things to see!!!!!!!Bumblebee's burrowed under the shed, where they nest(one great big fat momma bee, and smaller ones laden with honey)I didnt know they could nest underground! Yellow and purple butterflies, and dragonflies lighting on the fairy perched on the wishing well. The first italian plum tomatoes, only a thumb long, laughing at their slower brothers, the beefsteak and grape tomatoes..First little hot peppers, getting ready to spark and fire, heating up the summer palate, later to be twisted into an edible wreath.
Three times i thought i saw an animal watching me, hanging with me., something reddish the size of a raccoon. Must have been a shadow...because when i turned to look nothing was there. I am too happy to eat, as i play outside...or...is it work disguised as play? the best of two worlds....later.
So many things to see!!!!!!!Bumblebee's burrowed under the shed, where they nest(one great big fat momma bee, and smaller ones laden with honey)I didnt know they could nest underground! Yellow and purple butterflies, and dragonflies lighting on the fairy perched on the wishing well. The first italian plum tomatoes, only a thumb long, laughing at their slower brothers, the beefsteak and grape tomatoes..First little hot peppers, getting ready to spark and fire, heating up the summer palate, later to be twisted into an edible wreath.
Three times i thought i saw an animal watching me, hanging with me., something reddish the size of a raccoon. Must have been a shadow...because when i turned to look nothing was there. I am too happy to eat, as i play outside...or...is it work disguised as play? the best of two worlds....later.
Thursday Morning,again~~
The sky is a washed out blue, with rich,strong sunlight filtering through the maples in the backyard. There is a window to my left, nose-level, and i often gaze outside, be it sun or moon. I have on my too-tight running shorts, and a baggy old mow the lawn, play in the garden tshirt. I love my days off....I promise myself not to get caught up in errands or work today...I need to PLAY....later.
The sky is a washed out blue, with rich,strong sunlight filtering through the maples in the backyard. There is a window to my left, nose-level, and i often gaze outside, be it sun or moon. I have on my too-tight running shorts, and a baggy old mow the lawn, play in the garden tshirt. I love my days off....I promise myself not to get caught up in errands or work today...I need to PLAY....later.
Thursday Morning~~
Woken up by sharp little love bites by baby orange kitty. At my feet, Link, black as night, bright green eyes fixed on me. Coconut by my head, purring. Quite the feline nest last night, apparently. Morning ritual as they led the way into the kitchen.."sorry, kittys, you know the routine, no food til the coffee's going" They wind around my legs, meowing pitifully, as i spoon the coffee into the pot. They hear the CLICK of the on button, and their meowwwww's crescendo..knowing their breakfast is almost here..
Life's little routines, lovely.
Woken up by sharp little love bites by baby orange kitty. At my feet, Link, black as night, bright green eyes fixed on me. Coconut by my head, purring. Quite the feline nest last night, apparently. Morning ritual as they led the way into the kitchen.."sorry, kittys, you know the routine, no food til the coffee's going" They wind around my legs, meowing pitifully, as i spoon the coffee into the pot. They hear the CLICK of the on button, and their meowwwww's crescendo..knowing their breakfast is almost here..
Life's little routines, lovely.
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