Wednesday Night~~
I am sitting here in my second set of work clothes, and i smell like pepperoni pizza.There is alot of insanity at the second job, amazing, jawdropping dramas. I am sure there is a book in there, somewhere.
Total ecilpse of the moon tonight, and here, the sky is ink, and stars stud the sky, and the moon is an eerie tangerine. I feel like howling; I feel like lying in the wet grass and just rolling.
I have hooked j. up with a local fisherman...today he was up and working, cleaning his boat. He gets paid for the days work tomorrow, but, tonight, he called me at the restaurant and asked me how to cook lobster. LOBSTER!!! Not a bad fringe benefit....He said it was the best meal he ever had...cooked it himself, and cleaned the house up, too.I am praying it is the beginning of a job for him.
Too tired to write more, up and at it at 5am...the old director and outreach coordinator's last day is tomorrow, and i am making swedish meatballs for the going away party. ..I wish I had time to work on my book...but, it will come when i get a little further down the road with the two new jobs.
I miss all my Mermaid friends, i miss you alot. I think of each of you so often, with love....Later.

Tuesday Night~~
I am so thankful i am female. In the words of a wise man that i respect and admire"men are 95%dog." I am sorry that i have had to experience the major aspect of that equation.....but, i have, with a resounding WOOF! WOOF!
I see women all around me, that are smart, savvy, and certainly capable of better decisions, that turn to fluff when their man starts ruffling his cock-feathers.
Why do they do this? Is is because if they upset their man they lose the key to their financial golden goose? Yup, sometimes. Is it because they don't want to deal with discord? Yup, absoleutely. Is it because they just know the waters, sharks and all., and don't feel like chumming elsewhere? You got it.
Forgive me for my ascerbic rendition of men. If women had penis's , i would be a lesbian. I find women much more compassionate, multitasked, and communicative then men.
To my male friends, please don't think i don't love you...i DO!! But can't you train you litter-mates in better behavior?
I.E>
don't slobber over us. It grosses us out
don't lie to us about your relationship status.( I love you, Genie and i are just WORK buddies...we just stopped over for a cocktail) We will smell you out for the dirty dog you are, and crucify you, somehow.
don't think foreplay is a one time thing, and once you sleep with us, you've done your job. Foreplay, to us, is lovemaking...your penetration is just the exclamation mark.
Let us cry. When we cry, we release all are gentleness, our aggression, without taking down the nation. It is much more intelligent to let us cry, and pat our backs, then let us get a knife in the middle of the night, in our Elvis t-shirts, and our bunny slippers.
What am i trying to say? Oh, Lord, guys....Just hold us...Just listen to us. It makes us melt, it makes us okay, and your safe for another day. Later

Saturday Afternoon~~
Such a busy mermaid!! I am not gliding thru the currents right now, I am joyously stroking the water powerfully, doing underwater somersaults and blowing bubbles, because i am WORKING again. I have alot of money problems, that's still true, but, I am WORKING, and it will only be a matter of time before i catch up.
I love working at the pizza place...I love my seniors....things are finally falling into place. I am meeting so many people i am getting dizzy from it all...I see them all as potential characters in my book (s), and in my mind's eye i hear them dialoging, i am describing them, i am making them come alive. I do this mostly when i cook, or clean, when i am in movement, because when my body is busy with other tasking, my mind seems to be at it's most potent.
I am making my way here in this new place. Once more, all i can say is thank you, God....for taking me out of the dark uncertainty of why i came, and helping me find purpose once again. Later.

Thursday Night~~
How does she do it? I walked thru the kitchen a moment ago, and smelled my mother's perfume....Lily of the Valley, a distinct and old fashioned scent...Not one to be confused with today's more sophisticated perfumes.
What was she telling me? Why did she leave me? I will never know, i will never fathom, why my mother is no longer my heart-pulsing, always fortifiying, best friend.
This is one of the cornerstones of my being, of my writing. My relationship with my mother. I didn't mean to write about her; she intruded on my consciousness with her scent. Will i ever be able to put her to rest? Will i ever be able to bring a flower to her grave, mumble platitudes, and go on?
I think not. My mother is an extension of my being. She is the blueprint of life for an unskilled laborer, learning from a master. I miss her. I have said this before, i have wept uncountable tears, i have come to grips and flown off the handle with the perfect storm of her leaving.
So, once again, Mommy, i pay you homage. I miss you. I was so lucky to be your daughter; I was in the chosen circle of your love. Were you a being brought to Earth just to teach love? I know those that didn't know you think i am just reveling in gently smudged matriachcal nostalgia...but, truly, that isn't it.
You loved everybody. Black, white, old, young, you were a camelian with a warm velvet coat. You were so sensitive, so exquistite in your heart. I think i am following you, as close as i can, except i am fearless in my fear.
You gave up. You refused to go thru tunnels and crawl thru mountains. I, on the other hand, as your daughter, wiggle thru tunnels, climb mountains, and write about the journey.
I guess I can do it because you made the Redbird sing in my heart. Love is the essence;you taught me. God will never give you a cross you can't carry;You taught me... And to those that are teachers, the hardest lessons are learned...you instilled in me.
The worst thing you taught me, the best thing you taught me, was:Love is of the essence...all else falls into place.....Later
Ps..i am pubishing this before i lose courage...I am naked without a towel....later.

Wednesday night~~
I am tired, so body tired...But my heart is singing, and i am happy. I loved being with my old folks today, learning all the admin and being there for them. I get so many hugs, so many kisses, i make them laugh and i watch over them. THen i went home, had a quick coffee, and into my redhotchilipepper chef pants(knew not to get rid of them) with my clunky black rockports and a tshirt...The chef is great, and threw me into the pot ...pointing to things on the menu and saying.."cook it"..So i did, and though my feet were screaming, i was creating, apron on, knife flying, flying myself by the seat of my pants.
Sleep, ah, to crawl into my lovely cloud bed, clothes flung to the floor, hugging my extra pillow...and do it all again tomorrow. I think with the two jobs i will be able to make it, and they are both jobs i love. Later....

Tuesday Night~~
I have written over 50,000 words on this blog...Happy Writing to Me!.This has been such an eventful 6 days...Truly, i am too tired to explain it all. Quickly, i have driven over 1,600 miles. I am no longer afraid of driving through mountains. I have started my job with the seniors, and tomorrow i start my second job as a cook in a little italian restaurant. Life is a huge challenge right now, and i have so many things to fix, consider, change and explore that i just want to crawl into my bed, pull up the covers, and hide.
Ain't going to happen. I will try to keep muddling thru, try to keep going forward, and, maybe, just maybe, all will be a bit clearer each passing day.
Ah, tomorrow, i so love tomorrows. They hold the promise of wounds healed, of battles won, of kisses taken, of whispers given...AND...my fourth poem is published on the internet writing site...It is so racy, it makes ME blush...yet, when i wrote it, it was written in singleminded devotion to physical communion....Later...this sleepy mermaid is doing the backstroke to the nearest warm reef, curling her tail around a sturdy buoy, and resting for the night...Later

Thursday afternoon~~
Have you ever had those times in your life where you knew God shined on you? I have..Holding my children in my arms, their skin like spring petals, their fingers curled around mine. Perfect hugs, where the essence and breath was of love..Rainbows and the scent of fresh cut grass and the glory of a spider web, irridesent in the dawn.
I am now employed..official title."Outreach Coordinator", at the Senior Center. I suppose it would help if i could spell my title, but, that's not what matters. It was a God-shining moment, as i ignored the Big Kahuna after he said congradulations, and turned to the big glass window where the seniors watched our every move. I smiled so big i thought i would burst, and my eyes were happyshining with tears. Two thumbs up!, I gave them, and they started clapping their hands in applause. I love them, and i can't wait to start on monday....Later..

Wednesday Night~~
Last night before i slept, i decided that if i didn't hear about working at the Senior Citizen Center, that i would take a job, any job, today. I was calm about my decision, but sorrowful..wanting so much to combine work with pleasure..for that is what it is for me each time i am there. I decided that i would still volunteer, any time i could, so it wouldn't be a total loss.
Yes, the darkest hour of night has passed..I am meeting the Big Kahuna from the Commission on Aging tomorrow at 10:15am. The present Director called me an hour or two after the phone call from the Big Guy, and said that i was going to be offered the secondary position. She said she had been on pins and needles, because there was a waiting list for the job, from people in the field, and he had chosen me over 20 some applicants. It's not for sure yet, i refuse to count those chickens before i see them hatched...buuuuttttt...it sure is looking good. Thanks, God. Later.

Wednesday Morning~~
I was going to write about the past weekend, probably will, because there were so many writing snapshots that long to be written about, but an experience yesterday won't leave me....Some things leave a writing itch that won't rest til it's scratched....
After a discouraging day of job hunting, i went to, of course you guessed it..the beach. Intuition guided me, and i found myself in a glorious place of high dunes,sea and sky. I wore my bulky sweater, and my mother's chiffon scarf in my hair, enjoying it's color and flutter in the chill wind as i walked. I walked til the few people about were mere dots, and settled on a high spot in the sand. The sea seemed to curl and break into frothy waves just for me, and i sat, half lotus position, and opened my heart to God. I felt my molecules dance and stir, i felt the rhythmn of the sea as my breath. I got up and started back along the beach, intending to go home and start dinner. Intuition demanded i take the dunes rather then the shore, and i found myself at an opening in the fence. Weathered planks formed what looked like a boardwalk to nowhere. Curious, i took the path. A lone tent greeted me, and the strains of violin and guitar. I was 20 feet away from them, as they sat on a picnic table and played. I sat down quietly, brushing the sand from my barefeet and putting on my boots. They played Celtic lovesongs and battlecries;flirty toetappers and tearful goodbyes. I looked to my right, at the pencil line of fence along the dunes,brilliantly foiled against the blue of the sky. Seven crows perched there,motionless,as they enjoyed the concert with me. I looked to my left, back at the gypsyking and his consort on guitar. I nodded my appreciation, with my hand on my heart...such beauty, such a gift. Then i walked on.

Monday Night~~
I am back...I left friday for North Jersey...just outside of Manhattan, where i lived as a child, and my brother and sister still live today.It was three days full of, FULL of, experiences...but, i am just to darn tired to write...i will see u all tomorrow...time for some well earned beautysleep...zzzzzzzzzzz Later

Thursday Night~~
Flora said it..."Love is All". She knows, because she has been a love vigilante..always ready to love, always ready to feel, no matter what has come before, no matter what is, no matter what will be. I follow her path curiously, because, i know, that with her singleminded determination, her heart, someone is going to mesh with her in such a complete, glorious way, that she will be an inspiration to that which i hold so dear: complete, satisfied, almost smug, yet gloriously ingenuous, love.
As for me? I am writing my book. I happened to give Rikk's portfolio to the wife of an artist's agent today...I never miss an opportunity to promote him. He seems far away, yet, i still hold him close...perhaps i am a fool, or perhaps, like he says, i just need alot of external attention, to prove love.
Posh! , i say. I just want so much to snuggle deep, that's all.
I have been cooking all day, and i am redolent with a peculiar perfume....garlic, and balsamic vinegar; asiago cheese and parmesan and tomatoes, cooked all day in a simmering sauce.
Food makes me crazy..perhaps that's why people like what i cook...I caress the vegetables before i slice them, i scrutinse them for color, and shape, and form...I taste, and stir, and fan the fragrant steam...and all the while, i whisper"God Bless You, Eat Well", adding the secret ingredient to my dishes..
I am not classicly trained, nor do i call myself a chef. I am so.....not marketable in this world. I should have been born in the fifties...wearing a frilly apron, cleaning the house, tending children, and kissing my husband dutifully on the cheek, as he came home from work.
Yah, all of today's women will hate that remark. But, between pot roast and homework, vaccumning and laundry, i could write, and garden, and not worry about the mortgage payment, or the utility bills. Trade off? sure. I bet Harriet Beecher Stowe ironed her husbands shirts, while she plotted the Underground Railroad. Later.

Wednesday Night~~
I am back...In the words of my tantric twin,it takes as long for me to heal, as the hurt i feel. I hide when i hurt...my family, and my lovers, know this. Lover...that is such an archaic word..but, truly, i have had lovers. "tantric twin"..i asked his permission, months ago, to write about him...I asked because he is no longer my physical lover, not the recipient any longer of notes, and whispers, and touch. But, my lover? always will be.
I say this knowing that it is going to make some people uncomfortable, but, how can u deny love? Love present, love past, love?
I planted angelique tulips for him. I stared into his great, green eyes, and life swirled around us. I lay in a tub, belly cramped, rendevous diverted, with cinnamon candles lighting my pain, searing my commitment, while he sat near me, and his voice gentled me. How can u ever forget such a passage? I can't.
He is a great man, though, he doesn't think so. He helps people with addictions, he is elegant, educated, lustful, and a prolific writer. I let him go, because i wasn't ready to be his consort. I had too many battles to fight, and i didn't want to splash him with the blood of my personal war. Lover, friend, tantric twin? All those..and my metaphysical counterpart.
At least, at the very least, i took him over the Golden Gate Bridge, hair flying, one hand on his thigh, as Barry White seranaded us, and his hand held mine. Later.

Saturday Night~~
I never hide my thoughts in my blog...as a matter of fact, i pride myself on my openness. Sometimes i think that by sharing my sorrows, as well as my joys, my failings, as well as my successes, that i might be able to connect with those in the same boat..to either show them how to get thru a difficult time, or how NOT to do something..
But, tonight, i am profoundly hurting, and this one is not one to share. So, if i don't write for awhile, please forgive me...
I'll be back....Later.

Friday Morning~~
It was a beautiful sunrise this morning..I sat on the backdeck in my blue batik robe and white socks, with my legs curled under me and my coffee in hand. The sky lightened under a filmy white mist, turning the tops of the trees pink, then golden.
I know i am still feeling lost, lonely, and frightened..but, i have to be thankful, anyway. I am luckier then most; i have my eyes and legs and hands..I had a warm bed last night and plenty to eat; if God takes care of the sparrows, then He will take care of me.
I will be back out there today, job hunting...I can't sit by the phone like a teenager waiting for it to ring.. I will finish cleaning the house, and making welcoming foods for J and R..and keep writing..
I started my book yesterday. I have a friend who is a writer, and she is going to critique and edit for me..Perhaps out of the heightened emotions i feel will come something good..This move was a bold one, high stakes for me, and i am not ready yet to throw down my cards...Later.

Thursday Night~~
I have not heard from the Great Kahuna, the bestower of jobs...Somehow i am translating this silence as a edictment of my life...No one loves me, no one appreciates me, no one will be there for me, in the middle of the night.
I know that isn't true.. i know i am loved. But am i loved exclusively,? I think not. I am sad, to sleep alone. I am sad, to go to the grocery store, alone. I am saving myself for R...but...am i deluding myself? I am so low, i wonder, what on earth am i doing? Does he send me sweet notes, or whisper in my ear? Nope. He isn't romantic, i know that....but...if you love a woman, isn't there a way to let her know?
Maybe he just doesn't care. Maybe all any man has ever wanted from me was my...well, let's call it my "lust for life"...
So be it. I will just grow my hair down to my bum, and, once again, for the record, "screw them all". I don't need a mate, i just long for one. I don't need a partner, i just long for one. As my family has always told me..."Lisa, you do much better on your own". Great. just great.
I will be a long haired old lady, cranky, with cats, and a red hat. At least, i will be able to say "screw it!" with authority and regularity. Later.
PS. hard to publish this one...wet eyes, like lazers, cutting thru the maybe's.

Thursday Morning~~
Has it been three days without writing? That's scary..I must be drifting along,or is it floundering along??Where is my promise to write everyday? It must have something to do with the people in my life who have asked me not to write about my locale(afraid the masses will descend on this bit of paradise)and those that are afraid of what intimacies i might reveal. Well, screw it. This is my blog, and i'll write if i want to. (hummed to the tune of "this is my party, and i'll cry if i want to").
ANYWAY....this blog entry is dedicated to my faithful PJ.......
What HAS been going on these last three days??I have been volunteering at the local Senior Citizen Center. I have always had a fascination with the elderly...Beating the odds in surviving at all, wondering what knowledge they hold by sheer experience alone, wondering if age does indeed bring wisdom...Other that that, i just plain find them beautiful. Gnarled hands become graceful in my eyes, wrinkles become exclamation points in facial expressions. I pretend they are my parents, and i honor them.
What do i do there? I listen, and hold hands, and give hugs. I talk like the racy young thing i am, and get lots of laughs and winks in return. I walk them to the bathroom, and lean against the sink, chatting, to cover the embarrassment they feel at being led there, like a child. I can FEEL their emotions, because they don't always speak. I find that a wonderous thing, to FEEL them, and know what to do, and what to say. I wish my parents were alive, so i could care for them, and cherish them, and so, i do the next best thing...i get myself adopted, by the parents at the Center.
And now for the best part...Kismet,karma, coincidence? Sunday afternoon my aunt P.and i were going to the market for milk, and saw a garage sale. STOP!!she said, and stop i did...Somehow, the lady and i started talking, and she mentioned she was the director of the Senior Citizen center.. I asked if they could use volunteers, as i was new in town, and didn't have a job yet. You guessed it....She took me under her wing, explaining that she was moving out of state, and had been praying for a compassionate replacement for her position. To get PAID to take care of the elderly?YIPPIE!!!!!!!!
I dropped off my application to the big Kahuna in a nearby town yesterday, with a special endorsement by the director.(amazing what can happen, eh?).I don't know if i will get it, but i do know that i WANT it. I am nervous, but...not too nervous. Like most of the important happenings in my life, I realize it's in God's hands, not mine, and just let go....Later...

Sunday Night~~
The house is zen quiet, again. The toys are stored away, the kitchen floor swept and mopped. What a wonderful weekend!! Where to begin? I will begin with the crabfeast on Saturday night...My cousin K went to the Crabs-to-Go takeout (No,i am not kidding)..She and my sister came back lugging a bushel basket FILLED with hot, steamed, spicy crabs...I made corn on the cob...To do a proper maryland crabfeast, first you put newspaper on the table, give everyone a wooden hammer, picks, and beer, (I drank Lemonaid, with a kick)..and then eat your way into exctasy....
Cousin K showed us her method, as a veteran crabaholic, to get to the white, sweet lumpmeat,but, it soon became apparent that everyone develops their own style...
I was in a world of my own, trying not to moan, because to eat a crab was damn near orgasmic for me...Each leg, sucked to taste the spice they cook it in...the little phallic tail you lift up to open the crab; the play of fingers and tongue to ferret out each sweet bite......mnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn...I kept my eyes down most of the time, so noone would notice the gleam in my mermaid eye....
And today....making cookies with the girls, giving each of them my favorite angels, one a music snowball, one a fairy angel, to take home....the looks on their faces, as they held out their hands with closed eyes...
Pouring coffee for R, to take home to jersey, our sunday night tradition, with homemade cookies...Planting with J, making our home prettier and prettier...
Sitting on the porchswing, legs tucked, smiling to myself about the joys of family, and food, and love...ahhhhh....sometimes life is so good, sometimes problems can take a backseat, and joy is yours....Later.

Saturday Morning~~
We danced in the kitchen, we kissed for no reason...and that is my family in a nutshell. Confusion, chaos, hugs and kisses...The first bottle of wine opened, the food laid out, just for a quick nibble..Sweet Sarah and Abby, and baby Jack..The house bearing mega decibels of sound, as the kids ran and laughed and played..My flute was discovered; i became a magical genie as i made it sing ( and i can't even play yet)My room became the pink princess room, with it's high white bed and embroidered coverlet, and, the COMPUTER..which every kid is savvy on these days. We walked downtown, where there was a Fiddler's Convention, and i tried Sarahs cool scooter, and held hands with Aunt Patti, and ate crabcakes from a fastfood truck,while listening to bluegrass. (Going back for more music tonight). Pam at the art gallery in town invited me in for a glass of wine, and it felt good to actually KNOW someone...
Back to the house, and J and R were home from upnorth....More hugs, more chaos, more kisses, more FOOD...And then the serious dancing in the kitchen, the winestems circled with little charms to keep track of whose was whose...(mine was a seahorse).
Candles lit, and...fresh mozzarella with sliced tomatos from the local farm, marinated button mushrooms and orzo salad, Sliced meats and cheeses from the speciality shop in long island..My eggplant capanata and chicken liver and fish dip;sesame topped italian bread from NY, MyGodinHeaven, did we eat..........Getting another cup of coffee...because there's more....Later

Friday Morning~~
Okay, last night's Drama Queen theatrics are over..I never did swim well in the pity pool. It only took three restarts on the computer this morning, instead of hours of trying,and i have already had my coffee out on the back deck, looking up at the inky black sky, full of stars.
The big pot of sauce is made, with lots of meatballs. The fish is grilled, and ready to flake into a fishdip. Jewish chopped liver ready to slather on crackers, and
now it's time to make the cookies and pies and cake. The family is coming today!!!
At 7:30 I am walking down to the B&B, the owners have asked me to help out for a few hours...then home for the last minute preparations.
Still not sleeping very well, and needing less sleep, too. I know that they come around and wash the streets here at 4am, and if there is a fire they blow a piercing siren that rattles the walls and makes you want to run for your life.
But i can't deny that i was called here, that there is a reason for everything, and, as has happened so many times before, someday i will look back at this time in my life and say "AHHHH!! so THAT's why that happened".
I am back to my optimistic self, and ready for a new day. Time for a warm, sudsy mermaid shower, and i might even sing alittle while i'm in there....Later.....

Thursday Night~~
In my next life, i want to come back as one of my children. Why doesn't J. SEE? I am cooking, he says he wants to learn....so, where IS he? My God, I would like in this lifetime to have someone take care of me...It gets pretty damn tiring, holding the wolves at bay, always on alert. I see women, ugly women, stupid women, mean women, and they have rocks on their fingers and eat bon-bons all day...Where on EARTH did i go wrong??? I know where....3 wealthy men have asked me to be their wife...and i declined each invitation...why? Because i didn't love them....As if that is the criteria for a good life....
JeezeApete..i am bitter tonight....I miss my lover, i miss the taste of his mouth, the curve of his legs, wrapped around me in the middle of the night. I miss my home, with the 100 year old maples in the front yard, and, by now, the hydrangea tree is blossoming wildly in peach. I miss T., and K, and the babies...and the long slope of my street, before i see the picket fence..
I don't have a home anymore. I don't belong anywhere. If it wasn't for J, i think i would just calmly pack my things, and stick out my thumb.
This isn't my world; it's a world of sucessful yuppies and dottering retirees. I am neither. I am just a girlin Walden's Pond, half drowning, determined not to perish...at least not today....Later