April 12th~~
I thought i had escaped the birthday....My mom was born on April 9th. Those of you who know me realize that it is a date, along with her death-date, that is a flag to my emotional health, my life.
She died the day before my 14th birthday...she was my friend, my best friend. She understood me as no other, and being with her was being with myself, because I never saw the boundaries that proved she wasn't me. Crazy? Probably....especially if you have never been that comfortable, that safe, with another human being. And yet, it wasn't all comfort and roses...there was plenty of pain caused by her drinking, and it wasn't a BORING kind of comfortable, rather an intellectual playmate, with deep, metaphysical succor, surrounded by a sense of innocence and fun and love for God, people, animals and nature.

WHEW! what a person to lose...Is it any wonder I am on a subconscious quest, trying to find/be/recapture those things, with every human being i am intimate with?
I thought I had escaped this time...for her birthday and her deathday have triggered intense emotional meltdowns for me.
The first year, at 14, I held a razor to my wrist, and wanted to die. ( I was to chicken, too full of desire, to do that)
The rest of my teenage years, I stuffed myself with chocolate and books and straight A's, which was a chubby yet productive way to hide the pain.
I did other things to try to bring her back...not ready nor able to discuss them now., but some stand out in my memory...
At 26, holding my first born, fantasing that he was SHE, reincarnated, and holding my baby tight, looking for signs of her spirit...
At 35, working as a bartender, drinking Rum and Coke like water, until i was so dead drunk i was terrified of the loss of control, and walked around the building after work mumbling to her, begging her to come back.]
At 42, the age she herself died, putting an empty chair across from me, trying to DIALOG with her, forgive her for leaving me, and ending up wailing like a lost child, such an eerie keening that I ended up laughing at my desperation...
And now, the eve of being 50, letting the date pass without frantic calls to my sisters, without seeing her reincarnated, without getting pie-eyed...Almost smug in my surety that I am over her...
Until i realized yesterday I made "Mommy's chicken" a dish i haven't made in over two years. Until I made "stuffed cabbage" tonight, a dish i haven't made in at least five. I used to help her squish the meat, and was very serious as she instructed me how to wrap the filling around the cabbage...
So, I haven't escaped, have I? Each redbird, OUR bird, I see, makes my heart catch. The chicken was delicious, and the stuffed cabbage smells delightful.
This year, Mom, I cooked with you. It was always a favorite thing we did. You are still my best friend, and always will be. Happy Birthday...love, LeeLee
Ps. I still miss you.