Friday Night~~
I am home!! Home to my messy-but-they-tried-to-clean-it house, home to my coconut, my link, my little oj...Home to my shasta daisies and hollyhocks and that wonderful,luscious bed of mine.Home to big hugs from both my boys, eyes that say i love you. And the slice of cold pizza in the fridge wasn't too shabby, either.
I went to canada with fire in my eyes...i didn't know whether i wanted to fight or make love...i just knew i had to see his face,feel his arms wrapped around me, and i would know.
His mum and dad had belated birthday presents for me, and, as always, welcomed me with open arms. I know they don't know what to do with my exuberant hugs and kisses...they just take them, with a goofy look on their face, like someone offered them chocolate ice cream instead of porridge for breakfast.
I wanted to spend the night in a motel..a night with a shower built for two, a night of private passion..but, i couldn't summon the courage to decline his parents insistance that i stay with them...sigh.
We got our timmies coffees, we sat in the park, we kissed, and made up for our SLAM dunk fight. To be honest, i am the fighter...it's hard to fight with someone who just answers everything quietly and logically, and many times, doesn't even know what he has done wrong. It's the perfect approach for dealing with me...it gives my hot-blooded Italian temper time to cool down, because i have to stop and think.
We found a way to be private, but, that's a secret..(smile).
I rode home in peace, renewed, and ready for anything. Time to curl into my bed, to smile my secret smiles, and say prayers of thankfulness for my little escape.
Can't wait to write tomorrow! Later....

Thursday Morning~~
This is not going to be much of a write, today. I am headed to Canada to see Rikk, and will be back tomorrow. It's crazy to go: i have so much to do at home. But, i am going anyway. Just 24 hours of escape.....later.

Wednesday Night~~
I realize that i am a woman of faith. I know it; it is at least 12 minutes since i wrote that last sentence. It is wednesday night, my alamo, my waterloo, as i come home finally after my three 11 hour days in a row.It is when my house is at the epitome of messy-ness.., it is when my spirit is lowest, and it is when i most long for the quiet and privacy and time to write.It is the time when the boys press hardest, wanting food, food for body and food for soul and food for mind.
And, by the way, i am having a SLAM dunk, all holds barred, fight with rikk, courtesy of MSN. later.

Tuesday Night!!
I have done something so wild, so hopeful, so insanely projecting towards success, that i am ready to rip off my clothes and dance wildly naked around my dark, green yard. (HAHA...not really gonna do it)
I can't say what it is yet, because people that know me and read my blog are in for a surprise...
I will say this, though...I hope anyone that reads this, reads my sorrows, reads my joys...realizes the single thread that i have discovered that runs thru my writing...a thread that i didn't even know i was weaving...was,that each day is a song, orchestrated by God. We don't have to play our instruments professionally, just show up for practice. So, don't fret, at least not as a permanent way of life, because miracles happen, and the song plays sweetly, more often then not...later...

Monday Night~~
I just had the most incredible meal.My tastebuds are still dancing, and i keep going mmmnnn...If i had planned it, i wouldn't have...Bratwurst cooked in beer, then broiled...Fresh tomatos sprinkled with coarse salt,greek myzitha cheese, olives...
I made a plate of the sliced sausage, tomatoes and cheese, and ate with my fingers...It was so sensually delightful...the sharp cheese, the soft bite of tomato, the crunch of the brat...mnnnnn...All low carb, too! LOL.
All quiet on the homefront...Work was pretty rotten, another crazy customer...This time i didn't say a word, i am shuttling it right up the ladder...sigh...
I would have loved to leave on a very high note...but, the customer base has been very low end, the problems continue, and, the boss, from the gossip that's flying, is looking for vindictive ways to make my last days miserable.
I just have to adapt a "SO WHAT" attitude, get thru it, and move on. I have done my time selling mattresses, it's time for a new adventure. See you tomorrow...sweet dreams....

Monday Morning~~
Another lovely day out. I have to say one thing about Michigan, as intense as the winters are, so is the beauty of summer here. Everything screams with life,and the restraint of winter morphs wildly into verdant green.
I have experienced my first uncomfortable feelings about blogging. Anonymous's comments (see july 25th post)left me unsettled. I won't censor my words or anyone elses if they chose to comment here, it's a public blog. I will say this, though, it takes a certain amount of authenticity to write a blog about your personal life. I give Blap, Amadeus, Kari, and yes, myself, kudos for that.Perhaps my discomfort is that i don't know anything about anonymous(obviously), i can't read HER blog to gain insight or give her comments credibility. Is she a shrink? or a social worker? Whatever she is, she puts alot of time and thoughtfulness in her replies, and i honor that.
Time for work....long day, today...home after nine pm....
Later...

Sunday Morning~~
Glorious morning out...brilliant skies, like sapphires and emeralds in the palm of the sky. Mozart on the cd player, and peace in my heart. I think i walked with angels in my sleep last night; I awoke feeling like i had been taken on a journey,whispered instructions, and deposited gently back to my bed. "Feel" is the operative word...for surely such things don't exist..or do they?
When i was traveling, that year i was 22, I was alone on a rooftop in Marrekech. The hotel was called the CTM, and you walked up a narrow stairwell to the roof. It was dark, and i wanted to see the stars in the city called "gateway to the desert".
I laid down on a wooden beam, and looked up at the luminous display above me.The city noises faded, and it was just me and the sky. I lost my perspective of the distance between myself and the stars, indeed i felt like i was getting closer to them.The reality shift scared me, and i saw myself above the girl on the beam, and with a heartthumping bump,i slammed back down into her.
Did i fall asleep and dream it? I don't know...but the experience left me forever wondering where i travel when i sleep..
Ten essential boxes of books packed. My books, my photos, my bed, my pots and pans, i realize that i don't need much to make a home. Flowers on the table look just as wonderful in a mason jar then in crystal..It's all just "stuff", not who we are.
The beach is calling me louder now. Before it was just a whisper, just a tease. The waves are getting more intense, i can hear them crashing on the shore. I feel like a horse in the gate, waiting for the GO!
Oh, boy...forgot what time it was!! Shower, work, later...

Saturday night~~
I am having fun!I am listening to The Shirelles, Temptations, Ben E. King, and that luscious hunk of man, Barry White.(listen to his lyrics, gentleman,lol). I have the computer room all torn up, packing books. It's official, i am more then a packrat, i am certifible. How else did i find a Bon Appetit magazine from July,1981?AND I CAN'T THROW IT OUT!
I love to look at people's bookshelves. I think it is akin to the secret pleasure voyeurs have..peeking...what interests them? what do they read when no one's watching?
Okay, just a little peek...
Cookbooks, many, many cookbooks
"The Curious Lore of Precious Stones"
"The Complete Guide to Gardening"
"Photoanalysis"
"The Doctors book of Home Remedies"
"A Year in Provence"
Let's see...some juicier stuff...
"Lust"
"The Desiderata of Love"
Hmnn...not much juicy stuff....But lots of:
Spooky Stuff
Police Thrillers
No harlequin romances, thank God. Historical Novels...love those in the tub..
Enough self help books to save the nation.
Enough spiritual books to float to heaven...
Sales how to books (didn't read them too much)
Enough of the peek...
Going to keep dancing to those smooth, sweet oldies...packing my books, having fun.
( I am just a home girl at heart) Later...

Friday Night~~
Just home from work..what a rotten attitude i had all day. I felt anger seeping out of my very pores. I mumbled nasty little comments under my breath, and when i was washing my hands in the ladies room, i glanced up and scared myself.YIKES!!such a sulky,stern face staring back at me.
I have to change my evil ways,because if i am determined to work one more month, then i damn well better do it to the best of my ability, and leave proud of myself.It doesn't matter if the boss is unfair, it doesn't matter if they have a boys club and i am not invited, it doesn't matter if Deb is the undisputed queen,smugly superior. All that says is that i am having a problem with feeling like a victim, feeling left out, and feeling jeleous. I can't change them, but i can change myself.
Tomorrow morning before i go in i am going to take a walk at dawn, rain or shine. I am going to wear pink and pearls to work, and take extra care with my makeup. I am going to find things to laugh about, and practice the art of forgiveness.I am going to count my blessings, count down the days, and make the most of it all.
I was really too pissy to even write tonight...but, i feel better now. I can see my intentions flowing across the paper. I am going to walk out to the pepper patch in my barefeet, in the dark, and make some nice fresh salsa for the kids. I am going to drink my ice water in a crystal glass, with lots of ice and a wedge of lemon. Diana Kroll on the CD player, while i take a vanilla scented bubblebath.
I think i need hugs. I think i need kisses. The bath will have to do...later.

Thursday Morning~~
Just had a wonderful time with the refigerator repairman, who introduced himself as Ed. He didn't mind the cats, who tried to help him. He didn't mind me, either, as i tried to help him. By the time a half hour had passed, i had broken him from calling me "ma'am"., and i unofficially became his assistant, handing him stuff, and taking the parts to the sink to be rinsed off. When it came time to pay (YEAH! He fixed it like brandnew,i don't have to buy a new one), Instead of $250.00, he charged me $175.00. With a twinkle in his eye, he told me it was because of all my help.
I really want to have things working properly and buttoned up here, for Todd. Today was one more thing off my list.
The sun is shining, and i have had enough of worries, packing, and work. I am going to the beach for a few hours, with Saving Private Ryan, one of my favorite books. My books are my friends, and sometimes they call just as loud as real people, to come and visit. Later....

Wednesday afternoon~~
I have been pretty silent about Rikk lately...We spoke last night, and without me even bringing up the subject, he mentioned me driving the truck again..He said he has total confidance in my abilities..and i had to laugh to myself..i suppose he sees me stronger then i see myself.
As for J., he has very strong feelings about him. He thinks it's crap the way J.acts, and when he was here, J DIDN'T act up half as much. He can't visit,(see my may 1st post)he can't support me, though he does his best via phone and email. He is a single dad raising a 16 year old, so it will be two years at least before we can even think of living together. I am all written out for now...later.

Wednesday afternoon~~
I just read your post to Kari, anonymous. Again, i find your comments very insightful..you speak like one who has experienced this herself., or something very like it. My relationship with J.s father spanned almost 20 years, pre and post divorce, and the whole time it was a case of me putting a bandaid on a mortal wound. Looking back now, i realize that i refused to see that i couldn't save him from himself. I always fixed things, always made a way, and, on the surface, gave him his repectability. He was a charmer, a master salesman, and not above groveling the many times i left him, started over, and out of pity, or maschochism, or God Knows what motivation, i took him back.
The last time was 3 years ago. He was homeless, and had just lost his job that included his truck, and living expenses. (he was a traveling salesman). He had a heart attack, and i offered to let him stay at my house to recuperate. He got a job driving a cab, and i told him to save his money, so he could get an apartment and get back on his feet. I came home from work to an explosive situation..my oldest son, T., in a standoff with G. on the porch. It came to blows, and it's funny,what i remember most about it was the sound of my clay italian flower pots crashing to the floor. I called the police,and G. turned to me and said."You did this. it's your choice, him or me." I went inside, packed his things, and told him to never come back. I decided it was finally over...and the door to my giving slammed shut,locked, and i threw away the key.
There comes a time in my life when i let go, because, above all, i am a survivor.
To try to channel and help J. by moving to maryland is part of that survivor instinct.You see, i refuse to be a woman who bails out her adult son, be it with money or a place to live, forever. I will always love him, but i am getting ready to leave my active tour of motherhood duty. I finally like myself, and love myself most of the time, and that love of self just doesn't have room for being anybodys emotional or physical punching bag. I will dedicate myself for one year to helping j. finish high school, and teach him all the practicalities that he is so ignorant about.After that..i am done.

Wednesday Morning~~
Slept in late today, no ambition at all. I feel like laying in bed all day, but that is strictly against my code...must come the german/dutch half of me.."you will work! you will be productive!". Causes a bit of a problem with the italian side, that would prefer to loll about, sipping wine, listening to music, with a manyana laissez faire.
Anonymous, Kari, Amadeaus...your comments on my concerns with J,..what can i say? Wise perspectives from three different sources..Pretty ironic, too, because i had contemplated sending J. to his father for a couple of weeks before the move...so he could have some closure, and also to let him see what his life COULD be like..Then yesterday, got a phone from my ex-brother in law...We haven't spoken since last Christmas, when i called them for the holiday. Seems G. (the ex) has continued his downward spiral..renting a room in a house somewhere, cell phone disconnected. Still drinking everyday,driving that way, too, even with all his health problems. Still leaving a trail of broken promises. My ex-brother in law called to say he loved me and the kids, and to apologise for thinking i was "the bad guy" that hurt his brother, when he realizes now it wasn't true. Bittersweet, because i have been too busy raising the boys myself to even care what they thought of me.All i know is, leaving J. with him now is not an option.
Change comes from within, and just moving away doesn't mean that your problems don't come with you. I am taking a very calculated risk; in moving i plan to grab my pruninig shears and ruthlessly cut off the suckers and dead wood from J.s life. I will no longer work the 11 hour days that keep me absent now,and i will give him structure and support to build a new life. I will expose him to the beauty of the sea,surrounded by healthy male role models in his uncles and cousin. After that, it is his choice..for we do indeed journey alone through this life, each of us ultimately on our own path..The bottom line, for me, is that i must, i will, try.Later...

tuesday night...
i want so much to write, to express my feelings and thoughts on the posts in reply to moving and my trouble with J., but, i am so tired...The rain is a delicate staccato, and i just want to take off my clothes and lie naked under my down quilt..Leave my hair unbraided, and say my prayers...while drifting to sleep.
Tomorrow, always tomorrow...The wonderful smell of coffee, the peek outside to see the sky., and, the promise of a new day....sweet dreams, later..

Tuesday Night~~
I am so humbled, and thankful, for all of you who take the time to care about my life. How lucky am i?
First of all, just a bit of today..I read anonymous and Kari's posts monday night, but, i spoke with Rikk via IM,and i wanted so badly to connect with him, that i planned on writing in my blog this morning, instead of my nightly postings...
Didn't happen. I turned on the computer, and a loud, warning beep! beep! beep! was all i got. The cats were wrapping my ankles, i hadn't made coffee yet...and my first thought was "uh-oh". First things first, coffee on, babies fed, then back to the beeps...Dug out the computer papers, and called...I got a lovely lady named Anna, and, half awake, her speaking with a pronouned accent(Indian, i think), she intructed me to unscrew the back of the computer, locate and take out the memory card, and then pull the plugs to the mouse and keyboard. Sounds simple, eh? God bless her patience, as i opened the back of the computer with a butter knife. God bless her patience as she explained what a memory board looked like. God bless her patience as she told me what color the cords were to the mouse and keyboard. We figured it out...dead keyboard....and they would ship me one in 3-6 business days...in the meantime, i had 20 minutes left to shower, dress, put on my makeup for work, and the kitty's were having a ball, oj biting my toes, coconut trying to explore the inside of the computer, and link sliding over the warranty papers. sigh.
Off to work i went, but, just before i left, the electric company called, saying, "if i didn't pay EIGHTY DOLLARS RIGHT NOW"...well, you get the drift...
Worked 11 hours, nonstop, wild bed sales, the most the store has made in over a month, and God saw fit that most of it was cash and carry for my sales, way past my expectations for the end of the month....Justin called midway, to tell me that the refigerator was broken, and by the way...the cats broke my antique blue/green candy bowl, and, did the vaccumn ALWAYS blow dust out the side. sigh.
So, the repairman is coming thursday morning to fix the frig, the lights are still on, and i am SURE Mr. Phillips and i can fix the vaccumn one more time.
And this is before i even address what's REALLY in my heart.....back in a few....OH! forgot to say..i am able to type this post because...packrat that i am..i had an old keyboard in the closet...and now that i know where a keyboard plug goes....I AM WRITING!

Monday Morning~~
What a crazy life. Last night i cried myself to sleep, thinking about J. I woke to a note,by the coffepot, from him. "Dear Mom, wake me up before you go to work, i love you and miss you and want to talk".I don't have time to write now, but the jeist of it all is that he is willing to give maryland a try. Off to work i go...later

Sunday night~~
it's so hard to write with a house full of people...Todd's girlfriend and the kids...i love them, i do...but, the privacy factor, well..gone.
J. no longer on a high from his cd...negative and calling people evil and saying how ridiculous it is to want a house, and life, when we are just all going to die..(we are all a bunch of trained monkeys, except monkeys aren't evil, like people are, wasting the earths resouces, and practicing ugly habits).Won't even do the dishes as his chore, but, stays in my face, spouting negativity, telling me how horrible his life is(mentioning his "waste" of a father in the next breath).

Rikk emailing me, and telling me i can drive a 15 foot truck 12 hours across the mountains, towing my little car, no problem..."just go slow".(when he knows driving is my phobia, and i am terrified)
When all i want to do is write....i have so much to say...but, have to take a pickaxe, and swing through the obstacles, first...So many, so thick, that my fingers can hardly type....
At least,at the very least, i am keeping my promise to write everyday. That, nothing can stop, even if i have to AUDIO blog.
J. doesn't realize how close, how very close, i am to throwing in the towel. Let his father take over. Let him feed him, clothe him, council him, deal with his black moods.
The only thing that stops me is....what would the final outcome be for my son? I might get a reprieve, but, what will his future be?
I am so bewildered. This is one of the times i just want to run away, or, at the very least, pull the covers over my head, and pretend it all doesnt exist.
Later.

Saturday Morning~~
All ready for work, and today i look like a school teacher,complete with glasses and below the knee black skirt. Ah, but who knows the mermaid that lurks beneath?
The sense of pressure is off, marvelously..It doesn't matter if i get fired now, all is in place...I am curious to see what that lack of pressure is going to do to my sales. I know i will keep up with everything else at work, that's just my nature..When i leave i want to do it properly, with all my admin work current.
J. and his band were in the studio for 8 hours yesterday, recording their first professional CD. He came home at 12am, and i was waiting up, reading. His eyes shone, and he played it for me..I listened, and watched the rapt faces,tapping fingers of his fellow musicians.. The music was good,..a unique sound, blending jazz and Celtic with a little Pink Floyd thrown in.
Pray God i can channel that passion, that emotion, even him out somewhat...
I want to keep writing, but work calls...
The sky is so beautiful this morning, the air so cool and sweet...Happy Saturday Morning, everyone....

IT'S DONE!!!!! Thank you, God......I am all alone, crying my eyes out, thankful, so thankful...later..

Friday afternoon~~
In less then an hour, the title people will be here at the house to sign the refinance papers. The floors are shining; the coffee pot on, and i have gotten out my antique irish sugar bowl and creamer with the 4leaf clovers rioting across the china.
This is months of work, this is a new beginning. Two years ago, i was 11 days away from a sheriff sale, my house officially in forclosure. My car was repo'd, and we barely had enough to eat.
This refinance is a miracle, straight from God. No one would touch me for a refinance..the forbearance mortgage agreement i have been under for the last two years is worse then a bankrupcy and a repo combined. I am amazed by it all. I have never heard of a title company that comes to your house, I am amazed that i didn't even have to take a day off from work, i am amazed that i didn't get fired and lose the refinance altogether.
Yesterday, as i tried to clean and prepare for today, J. chose to act out, terribly.I won't go into it, but, it was painful...so painful..i cannot even put it to paper. He is a double Leo, self absorbed, and almost more then love can handle, sometimes. I pressed on with my chores, anyway, heavy hearted, but determined.
If you read this, and love God, pray for my son..pray for me, that i continue to have to strength to guide and stand by him...
I cannot wait to write my victory post..i will be writing it before the ink dries!
Time for a bit of lipstick, and cut some flowers for the table...later.