Thursday afternoon~~
Have you ever had those times in your life where you knew God shined on you? I have..Holding my children in my arms, their skin like spring petals, their fingers curled around mine. Perfect hugs, where the essence and breath was of love..Rainbows and the scent of fresh cut grass and the glory of a spider web, irridesent in the dawn.
I am now employed..official title."Outreach Coordinator", at the Senior Center. I suppose it would help if i could spell my title, but, that's not what matters. It was a God-shining moment, as i ignored the Big Kahuna after he said congradulations, and turned to the big glass window where the seniors watched our every move. I smiled so big i thought i would burst, and my eyes were happyshining with tears. Two thumbs up!, I gave them, and they started clapping their hands in applause. I love them, and i can't wait to start on monday....Later..

Wednesday Night~~
Last night before i slept, i decided that if i didn't hear about working at the Senior Citizen Center, that i would take a job, any job, today. I was calm about my decision, but sorrowful..wanting so much to combine work with pleasure..for that is what it is for me each time i am there. I decided that i would still volunteer, any time i could, so it wouldn't be a total loss.
Yes, the darkest hour of night has passed..I am meeting the Big Kahuna from the Commission on Aging tomorrow at 10:15am. The present Director called me an hour or two after the phone call from the Big Guy, and said that i was going to be offered the secondary position. She said she had been on pins and needles, because there was a waiting list for the job, from people in the field, and he had chosen me over 20 some applicants. It's not for sure yet, i refuse to count those chickens before i see them hatched...buuuuttttt...it sure is looking good. Thanks, God. Later.

Wednesday Morning~~
I was going to write about the past weekend, probably will, because there were so many writing snapshots that long to be written about, but an experience yesterday won't leave me....Some things leave a writing itch that won't rest til it's scratched....
After a discouraging day of job hunting, i went to, of course you guessed it..the beach. Intuition guided me, and i found myself in a glorious place of high dunes,sea and sky. I wore my bulky sweater, and my mother's chiffon scarf in my hair, enjoying it's color and flutter in the chill wind as i walked. I walked til the few people about were mere dots, and settled on a high spot in the sand. The sea seemed to curl and break into frothy waves just for me, and i sat, half lotus position, and opened my heart to God. I felt my molecules dance and stir, i felt the rhythmn of the sea as my breath. I got up and started back along the beach, intending to go home and start dinner. Intuition demanded i take the dunes rather then the shore, and i found myself at an opening in the fence. Weathered planks formed what looked like a boardwalk to nowhere. Curious, i took the path. A lone tent greeted me, and the strains of violin and guitar. I was 20 feet away from them, as they sat on a picnic table and played. I sat down quietly, brushing the sand from my barefeet and putting on my boots. They played Celtic lovesongs and battlecries;flirty toetappers and tearful goodbyes. I looked to my right, at the pencil line of fence along the dunes,brilliantly foiled against the blue of the sky. Seven crows perched there,motionless,as they enjoyed the concert with me. I looked to my left, back at the gypsyking and his consort on guitar. I nodded my appreciation, with my hand on my heart...such beauty, such a gift. Then i walked on.

Monday Night~~
I am back...I left friday for North Jersey...just outside of Manhattan, where i lived as a child, and my brother and sister still live today.It was three days full of, FULL of, experiences...but, i am just to darn tired to write...i will see u all tomorrow...time for some well earned beautysleep...zzzzzzzzzzz Later

Thursday Night~~
Flora said it..."Love is All". She knows, because she has been a love vigilante..always ready to love, always ready to feel, no matter what has come before, no matter what is, no matter what will be. I follow her path curiously, because, i know, that with her singleminded determination, her heart, someone is going to mesh with her in such a complete, glorious way, that she will be an inspiration to that which i hold so dear: complete, satisfied, almost smug, yet gloriously ingenuous, love.
As for me? I am writing my book. I happened to give Rikk's portfolio to the wife of an artist's agent today...I never miss an opportunity to promote him. He seems far away, yet, i still hold him close...perhaps i am a fool, or perhaps, like he says, i just need alot of external attention, to prove love.
Posh! , i say. I just want so much to snuggle deep, that's all.
I have been cooking all day, and i am redolent with a peculiar perfume....garlic, and balsamic vinegar; asiago cheese and parmesan and tomatoes, cooked all day in a simmering sauce.
Food makes me crazy..perhaps that's why people like what i cook...I caress the vegetables before i slice them, i scrutinse them for color, and shape, and form...I taste, and stir, and fan the fragrant steam...and all the while, i whisper"God Bless You, Eat Well", adding the secret ingredient to my dishes..
I am not classicly trained, nor do i call myself a chef. I am so.....not marketable in this world. I should have been born in the fifties...wearing a frilly apron, cleaning the house, tending children, and kissing my husband dutifully on the cheek, as he came home from work.
Yah, all of today's women will hate that remark. But, between pot roast and homework, vaccumning and laundry, i could write, and garden, and not worry about the mortgage payment, or the utility bills. Trade off? sure. I bet Harriet Beecher Stowe ironed her husbands shirts, while she plotted the Underground Railroad. Later.

Wednesday Night~~
I am back...In the words of my tantric twin,it takes as long for me to heal, as the hurt i feel. I hide when i hurt...my family, and my lovers, know this. Lover...that is such an archaic word..but, truly, i have had lovers. "tantric twin"..i asked his permission, months ago, to write about him...I asked because he is no longer my physical lover, not the recipient any longer of notes, and whispers, and touch. But, my lover? always will be.
I say this knowing that it is going to make some people uncomfortable, but, how can u deny love? Love present, love past, love?
I planted angelique tulips for him. I stared into his great, green eyes, and life swirled around us. I lay in a tub, belly cramped, rendevous diverted, with cinnamon candles lighting my pain, searing my commitment, while he sat near me, and his voice gentled me. How can u ever forget such a passage? I can't.
He is a great man, though, he doesn't think so. He helps people with addictions, he is elegant, educated, lustful, and a prolific writer. I let him go, because i wasn't ready to be his consort. I had too many battles to fight, and i didn't want to splash him with the blood of my personal war. Lover, friend, tantric twin? All those..and my metaphysical counterpart.
At least, at the very least, i took him over the Golden Gate Bridge, hair flying, one hand on his thigh, as Barry White seranaded us, and his hand held mine. Later.

Saturday Night~~
I never hide my thoughts in my blog...as a matter of fact, i pride myself on my openness. Sometimes i think that by sharing my sorrows, as well as my joys, my failings, as well as my successes, that i might be able to connect with those in the same boat..to either show them how to get thru a difficult time, or how NOT to do something..
But, tonight, i am profoundly hurting, and this one is not one to share. So, if i don't write for awhile, please forgive me...
I'll be back....Later.

Friday Morning~~
It was a beautiful sunrise this morning..I sat on the backdeck in my blue batik robe and white socks, with my legs curled under me and my coffee in hand. The sky lightened under a filmy white mist, turning the tops of the trees pink, then golden.
I know i am still feeling lost, lonely, and frightened..but, i have to be thankful, anyway. I am luckier then most; i have my eyes and legs and hands..I had a warm bed last night and plenty to eat; if God takes care of the sparrows, then He will take care of me.
I will be back out there today, job hunting...I can't sit by the phone like a teenager waiting for it to ring.. I will finish cleaning the house, and making welcoming foods for J and R..and keep writing..
I started my book yesterday. I have a friend who is a writer, and she is going to critique and edit for me..Perhaps out of the heightened emotions i feel will come something good..This move was a bold one, high stakes for me, and i am not ready yet to throw down my cards...Later.

Thursday Night~~
I have not heard from the Great Kahuna, the bestower of jobs...Somehow i am translating this silence as a edictment of my life...No one loves me, no one appreciates me, no one will be there for me, in the middle of the night.
I know that isn't true.. i know i am loved. But am i loved exclusively,? I think not. I am sad, to sleep alone. I am sad, to go to the grocery store, alone. I am saving myself for R...but...am i deluding myself? I am so low, i wonder, what on earth am i doing? Does he send me sweet notes, or whisper in my ear? Nope. He isn't romantic, i know that....but...if you love a woman, isn't there a way to let her know?
Maybe he just doesn't care. Maybe all any man has ever wanted from me was my...well, let's call it my "lust for life"...
So be it. I will just grow my hair down to my bum, and, once again, for the record, "screw them all". I don't need a mate, i just long for one. I don't need a partner, i just long for one. As my family has always told me..."Lisa, you do much better on your own". Great. just great.
I will be a long haired old lady, cranky, with cats, and a red hat. At least, i will be able to say "screw it!" with authority and regularity. Later.
PS. hard to publish this one...wet eyes, like lazers, cutting thru the maybe's.

Thursday Morning~~
Has it been three days without writing? That's scary..I must be drifting along,or is it floundering along??Where is my promise to write everyday? It must have something to do with the people in my life who have asked me not to write about my locale(afraid the masses will descend on this bit of paradise)and those that are afraid of what intimacies i might reveal. Well, screw it. This is my blog, and i'll write if i want to. (hummed to the tune of "this is my party, and i'll cry if i want to").
ANYWAY....this blog entry is dedicated to my faithful PJ.......
What HAS been going on these last three days??I have been volunteering at the local Senior Citizen Center. I have always had a fascination with the elderly...Beating the odds in surviving at all, wondering what knowledge they hold by sheer experience alone, wondering if age does indeed bring wisdom...Other that that, i just plain find them beautiful. Gnarled hands become graceful in my eyes, wrinkles become exclamation points in facial expressions. I pretend they are my parents, and i honor them.
What do i do there? I listen, and hold hands, and give hugs. I talk like the racy young thing i am, and get lots of laughs and winks in return. I walk them to the bathroom, and lean against the sink, chatting, to cover the embarrassment they feel at being led there, like a child. I can FEEL their emotions, because they don't always speak. I find that a wonderous thing, to FEEL them, and know what to do, and what to say. I wish my parents were alive, so i could care for them, and cherish them, and so, i do the next best thing...i get myself adopted, by the parents at the Center.
And now for the best part...Kismet,karma, coincidence? Sunday afternoon my aunt P.and i were going to the market for milk, and saw a garage sale. STOP!!she said, and stop i did...Somehow, the lady and i started talking, and she mentioned she was the director of the Senior Citizen center.. I asked if they could use volunteers, as i was new in town, and didn't have a job yet. You guessed it....She took me under her wing, explaining that she was moving out of state, and had been praying for a compassionate replacement for her position. To get PAID to take care of the elderly?YIPPIE!!!!!!!!
I dropped off my application to the big Kahuna in a nearby town yesterday, with a special endorsement by the director.(amazing what can happen, eh?).I don't know if i will get it, but i do know that i WANT it. I am nervous, but...not too nervous. Like most of the important happenings in my life, I realize it's in God's hands, not mine, and just let go....Later...

Sunday Night~~
The house is zen quiet, again. The toys are stored away, the kitchen floor swept and mopped. What a wonderful weekend!! Where to begin? I will begin with the crabfeast on Saturday night...My cousin K went to the Crabs-to-Go takeout (No,i am not kidding)..She and my sister came back lugging a bushel basket FILLED with hot, steamed, spicy crabs...I made corn on the cob...To do a proper maryland crabfeast, first you put newspaper on the table, give everyone a wooden hammer, picks, and beer, (I drank Lemonaid, with a kick)..and then eat your way into exctasy....
Cousin K showed us her method, as a veteran crabaholic, to get to the white, sweet lumpmeat,but, it soon became apparent that everyone develops their own style...
I was in a world of my own, trying not to moan, because to eat a crab was damn near orgasmic for me...Each leg, sucked to taste the spice they cook it in...the little phallic tail you lift up to open the crab; the play of fingers and tongue to ferret out each sweet bite......mnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn...I kept my eyes down most of the time, so noone would notice the gleam in my mermaid eye....
And today....making cookies with the girls, giving each of them my favorite angels, one a music snowball, one a fairy angel, to take home....the looks on their faces, as they held out their hands with closed eyes...
Pouring coffee for R, to take home to jersey, our sunday night tradition, with homemade cookies...Planting with J, making our home prettier and prettier...
Sitting on the porchswing, legs tucked, smiling to myself about the joys of family, and food, and love...ahhhhh....sometimes life is so good, sometimes problems can take a backseat, and joy is yours....Later.

Saturday Morning~~
We danced in the kitchen, we kissed for no reason...and that is my family in a nutshell. Confusion, chaos, hugs and kisses...The first bottle of wine opened, the food laid out, just for a quick nibble..Sweet Sarah and Abby, and baby Jack..The house bearing mega decibels of sound, as the kids ran and laughed and played..My flute was discovered; i became a magical genie as i made it sing ( and i can't even play yet)My room became the pink princess room, with it's high white bed and embroidered coverlet, and, the COMPUTER..which every kid is savvy on these days. We walked downtown, where there was a Fiddler's Convention, and i tried Sarahs cool scooter, and held hands with Aunt Patti, and ate crabcakes from a fastfood truck,while listening to bluegrass. (Going back for more music tonight). Pam at the art gallery in town invited me in for a glass of wine, and it felt good to actually KNOW someone...
Back to the house, and J and R were home from upnorth....More hugs, more chaos, more kisses, more FOOD...And then the serious dancing in the kitchen, the winestems circled with little charms to keep track of whose was whose...(mine was a seahorse).
Candles lit, and...fresh mozzarella with sliced tomatos from the local farm, marinated button mushrooms and orzo salad, Sliced meats and cheeses from the speciality shop in long island..My eggplant capanata and chicken liver and fish dip;sesame topped italian bread from NY, MyGodinHeaven, did we eat..........Getting another cup of coffee...because there's more....Later

Friday Morning~~
Okay, last night's Drama Queen theatrics are over..I never did swim well in the pity pool. It only took three restarts on the computer this morning, instead of hours of trying,and i have already had my coffee out on the back deck, looking up at the inky black sky, full of stars.
The big pot of sauce is made, with lots of meatballs. The fish is grilled, and ready to flake into a fishdip. Jewish chopped liver ready to slather on crackers, and
now it's time to make the cookies and pies and cake. The family is coming today!!!
At 7:30 I am walking down to the B&B, the owners have asked me to help out for a few hours...then home for the last minute preparations.
Still not sleeping very well, and needing less sleep, too. I know that they come around and wash the streets here at 4am, and if there is a fire they blow a piercing siren that rattles the walls and makes you want to run for your life.
But i can't deny that i was called here, that there is a reason for everything, and, as has happened so many times before, someday i will look back at this time in my life and say "AHHHH!! so THAT's why that happened".
I am back to my optimistic self, and ready for a new day. Time for a warm, sudsy mermaid shower, and i might even sing alittle while i'm in there....Later.....

Thursday Night~~
In my next life, i want to come back as one of my children. Why doesn't J. SEE? I am cooking, he says he wants to learn....so, where IS he? My God, I would like in this lifetime to have someone take care of me...It gets pretty damn tiring, holding the wolves at bay, always on alert. I see women, ugly women, stupid women, mean women, and they have rocks on their fingers and eat bon-bons all day...Where on EARTH did i go wrong??? I know where....3 wealthy men have asked me to be their wife...and i declined each invitation...why? Because i didn't love them....As if that is the criteria for a good life....
JeezeApete..i am bitter tonight....I miss my lover, i miss the taste of his mouth, the curve of his legs, wrapped around me in the middle of the night. I miss my home, with the 100 year old maples in the front yard, and, by now, the hydrangea tree is blossoming wildly in peach. I miss T., and K, and the babies...and the long slope of my street, before i see the picket fence..
I don't have a home anymore. I don't belong anywhere. If it wasn't for J, i think i would just calmly pack my things, and stick out my thumb.
This isn't my world; it's a world of sucessful yuppies and dottering retirees. I am neither. I am just a girlin Walden's Pond, half drowning, determined not to perish...at least not today....Later

Thursday afternoon~~
Typing fast here, on the cuff, because my computer seems to have the same malady i have....never sure wheither it is coming or going. It took me 4 hours of trying today, and the internet provider, though supremely willing to help me, was as confounded as i. The only way i can connect is to pray, and keep shutting it down until it finally magically works..Amadeus, my computer wizard, wish you were here!
All excited about aunt patti, kelly, and the kids coming. I am cleaning the house like mad, even though it's not dirty. I am going to the store, and doing my best to have welcoming foods. I love them, plain and simple. My family has a heart, so big, so glorious, that i cannot even find the words to explain what they mean to me. They are a pink velvet ribbon on a little girl's throat...they are the wicked waves of a storm tossed sea, they are as luscious as a garden tomato, ripe in the sun, and the vastness of the sky. Overwritten, hopelessly in love with my family? Hopelessly romantic? Yes...i am all of those things. And i can only repay them with cookies and meatballs........
The interview went fine...wonderful, as a matter of fact. The district manager looked like a skinny Ronald Reagan, so, as we chatted, i pretended i was talking to Patrick Swayze in a ronald reagan mask...what was that movie????I was glad i had on a long skirt, because i caught myself crossing and uncrossing my legs,not such a good thing to do in a job interview, but, great for flirting with Patrick Swayze(sorry, George)...Ha!! You thought i forgot i embarass you from time to time, my darling brother?
The only opening is an hour and a half away, in virginia...I am so torn....if i take it, then i start work monday...if not...the only opening is two to three weeks away., i don't know if i can hold out that long....Any advise????
Back to my work, and hopefully i will be able to be online later.
Blogging is like a love affair; I cannot help but anticipate, rushing to see if my lover has responded....and, i always want more.
Later...........

Wednesday Morning
Doing all the girlie stuff that has to be done to polish up my image....I don't know how women do it, spend hours plucking their brows, and polishing their nails, slathering creams and all that other mysterious feminine stuff. It's fun every once in awhile, sort of a body meditation...but, as a way of life to stay attractive? No, thanks. I'd rather read a book, or bake cookies, or write, or, or, or...well, just about ANYTHING else.
It's going to be weird slipping into pantyhose, sliding into heels...My navy suit is pressed, and ready, my soft blue blouse crispy pressed. I have so many sides to me,it makes me giggle inside.(makes ALL of us/me giggle inside).
Only thing left to do is make sure i have my references in order, and find the place. Mapquest says only 30 minutes away, i figure if i leave 1-1/2 hours ahead of time, i should be safe.
Do i like the thought of the long hours, the just ok pay, the corp rules again? Nope, not on your life. But, since i don't have a fairy godmother to help me launch a creative business, or support me while i write my book, I will take the job, if offered it, with bells on and a smile....off i go, Later

Wednesday Morning
Doing all the girlie stuff that has to be done to polish up my image....I don't know how women do it, spend hours plucking their brows, and polishing their nails, slathering creams and all that other mysterious feminine stuff. It's fun every once in awhile, sort of a body meditation...but, as a way of life to stay attractive? No, thanks. I'd rather read a book, or bake cookies, or write, or, or, or...well, just about ANYTHING else.
It's going to be weird slipping into pantyhose, sliding into heels...My navy suit is pressed, and ready, my soft blue blouse crispy pressed. I have so many sides to me,it makes me giggle inside.(makes ALL of us/me giggle inside).
Only thing left to do is make sure i have my references in order, and find the place. Mapquest says only 30 minutes away, i figure if i leave 1-1/2 hours ahead of time, i should be safe.
Do i like the thought of the long hours, the just ok pay, the corp rules again? Nope, not on your life. But, since i don't have a fairy godmother to help me launch a creative business, or support me while i write my book, I will take the job, if offered it, with bells on and a smile....off i go, Later

Tuesday Evening~~
How easy it is not to write, not to express yourself, but, rather, to hide away, keeping your secrets, keeping up fences of self-defense.
To blog this past week has been too painful..for my thoughts have not been light, or funny, or even beautiful. I am well aware that my family reads my blogs, using them as a pulse, to see how i am doing in my new home.
I am learning to do fine; i am meeting people, i am enjoying the intrinsic beauty of Delmarva Pennisula. Justin is still hard, very hard at times. As i have been trying to write, for example, he has interrupted me five times already..my concentration is broken.
My computer server is different, and though it's fast, it isn't reliable..I have a new morning routine, and i feel very thrown off....
But, tomorrow, thank God for tomorrows...it's a new day...
P.S....Have a job interview tomorrow in the afternoon with the district mgr of the drug store....wish me luck and send me prayers! Later......

Saturday, Early afternoon~~
It's still gray and listless out, but, that's okay. Things are up and down with Justin, but, that's okay, too. I feel a deep sense of anticapation, like christmas is almost here. Why? I don't know. I found a course on fiction writing at the local community college, and i am going to take it. It starts this tuesday night.
I haven't heard from the drugstore yet, but, i think i am going to get it, anyway, with my background and just, well, because i think i am.
I am waking up again in the middle of the night, wide awake, staring into the darkness. I am not afraid, i am not lonely, merely....wide awake...I pull the curtains aside, and look out into the darkness of the backyard. Nothing stirs, nothing beacons, but, i still get the feeling i am being watched, and measured, and soon, the last piece of the puzzle will fall into place.
Our first official non-family house guest is here. His name is George, and he is very affable. He brought my sister and robert a bottle of Mumm's champagne for a houseworking gift. He's a vegetarian, so, i guess he won't be eating any of the bacon i cooked for brunch.(oops!)
Jan is off, doing her social butterfly thing, and i have set a beautiful brunch table with the Dutch blue china, and a yellow and blue tablecloth.
I nibbled on bagels she brought down from Manhattan, and faded away to write here in Mermaids....Today i think we are going to virginia, to chincoteague island, the virginia counterpart to assateaque island. Another adventure......later.

Good Morning, World!!
Are you all ready????I saw the redbird!!!! Not once, but twice. Early this morning, i sat sipping my coffee on the back deck. Behind the wrought iron fence i saw him....walk-hopping, brightest of bright, against the blackness of the iron. A great, wide smile broke out on my face, and i raised my coffee cup in salute.
I knew it was coming, because i heard Hope call my name last night on the beach. It is a miraculous place, empty of all man has to offer...no hotels, no lights, no signs....just mile after mile of sand, and sea, and sky. As i walked, with the salt in the air perfuming my nose, my only companions were baby crabs, skittering sideways into mysterious little holes, pelicans in flight, and seagulls standing sentinel along the dunes.
The sky embraced me, rolling clouds giving way to a deep red and purple window of light, as the sun slipped away.
I asked "Which way do i go, God?" "Which way?" And my answer, as i looked up, was clear...a jet left a wide white plume in the sky...directly in front of me. The answer, of course, was easy. Just keep going straight ahead....and that's what i am going to do.
The redbird? I laughed that i didn't see him in graceful flight, but, rather, hop-walking along. Just like me, right now.
As i got up to go inside, i had one more treat...He flew..not away, but directly towards me, and landed on the maple tree not 15 feet away. He regarded me steadily, tilted his head to the side...(can birds smile? because this one did) and he was gone. Later.........