Friday Morning,
This is it ...last Michigan post...Byeeeeeee.....love you all, see you on Tuesday, when the computer gets hooked back up..xxxxxxxx
Friday, September 03, 2004
Thursday, September 02, 2004
Thursday Night~~The witches of waterford..
I wanted so much to make homemade salsa from the garden, and light candles, and wear a flowing skirt, with bright red, painted lips. Instead, i wore jeans, and no bra, and my naked face peered out from my glasses. My curls were corraled, in a big, wicked clip, and i drank alot of wine.
And the people that loved me? They are the ones that don't really have alot, if you talk about material things, but, they are so rich, so real, that i know that i have sat with them before, in heaven, and just leaned back and laughed..and probably shared a meal or two, or ten thousand.
Ginny packed the clean clothes, fresh from the laundry mat. Mary organized my camping gear. Andrea made the boys pick up, and Lindsey, God love her, sick as a dog, and delicately excusing herself to be sick, ferried things from box to box.
My Todd bought pizza, and was the perfect host(chip off the old block) And, in his do-rag, six foot two, and watchful, made it all happen.
J..well, he gave me his last hurrah in michigan...tried to fight with me...and i just was exausted by his bullshit. He picked up a plate, went to throw it...and i said.."go for it...if that's the best you can do...because, i am going to pop you a good one if you really piss me off..i don't have time for your crap tonight." Then i walked out the door...went back to my friends, and the love i felt as i gave things away, and the wine didn't hurt, either.
Amazing...i didn't hear a crash...guess it wasn't the same with no audience...
They all toasted me..and i felt so, so loved...My gift to them was to go around the circle, and do a phychic reading...I don't do it often, it is very draining...but, i wanted so badly to give back....I think i gave them some insight, and hopefully some foresight...
Now, it's time for bed...I haven't even told you about my visit with my friend Pat...but, that's another story...later.
I wanted so much to make homemade salsa from the garden, and light candles, and wear a flowing skirt, with bright red, painted lips. Instead, i wore jeans, and no bra, and my naked face peered out from my glasses. My curls were corraled, in a big, wicked clip, and i drank alot of wine.
And the people that loved me? They are the ones that don't really have alot, if you talk about material things, but, they are so rich, so real, that i know that i have sat with them before, in heaven, and just leaned back and laughed..and probably shared a meal or two, or ten thousand.
Ginny packed the clean clothes, fresh from the laundry mat. Mary organized my camping gear. Andrea made the boys pick up, and Lindsey, God love her, sick as a dog, and delicately excusing herself to be sick, ferried things from box to box.
My Todd bought pizza, and was the perfect host(chip off the old block) And, in his do-rag, six foot two, and watchful, made it all happen.
J..well, he gave me his last hurrah in michigan...tried to fight with me...and i just was exausted by his bullshit. He picked up a plate, went to throw it...and i said.."go for it...if that's the best you can do...because, i am going to pop you a good one if you really piss me off..i don't have time for your crap tonight." Then i walked out the door...went back to my friends, and the love i felt as i gave things away, and the wine didn't hurt, either.
Amazing...i didn't hear a crash...guess it wasn't the same with no audience...
They all toasted me..and i felt so, so loved...My gift to them was to go around the circle, and do a phychic reading...I don't do it often, it is very draining...but, i wanted so badly to give back....I think i gave them some insight, and hopefully some foresight...
Now, it's time for bed...I haven't even told you about my visit with my friend Pat...but, that's another story...later.
Thursday Morning~
I have spent the last three days in prayer. Not white-gloved, kneel in church prayer, just a running dialog with God. I have gone to the source with all my dreams and hopes and fears, asking for guidance and a miracle. What i was looking for was a financial miracle,because moving day is tomorrow, and there just isn't much money left. Don't let anyone tell you miracles don't exist...they do. Mine have come when i wrestle my ego to it's knees, and just let go...and, let God.
I still haven't seen that green miracle, but, my faith is strong. I guess He had a more important miracle to take care of first.
Last night, 12am, i tossed and turned, eyes wide open in the dark, thinking about J., and his decision...This is unusual for me, because i am one of those lucky people that fall asleep as soon as i hit the pillow. "Momma? are you asleep?" It was J. at my door. "Can we talk?"
Out we went to the front porch swing, to sit in the dark,with the moon gleaming through the tall maples, and a cup of tea. Maybe staying with his friend wasn't such a good idea, he began. How was he going to make it on his own, without a job, a car, an education? Maybe he wasn't ready. I let him talk, and didn't interrupt, all the while silently thanking God, for THIS was the miracle He had in store for me.
There is a selfish part of me that said "Oh No!", because once i got used to the fact that i was going to maryland alone, i started to fantasize about it all...the sheer, glorious freedom..the first time in my entire life i would live alone, and not take care of anybody but myself.
Not going to happen, yet. J decided to come to maryland, after all.He doesn't realize it yet, but, he has made a decision that will change his life in so many wonderful ways.. And so, the journey continues, and i stay mentor, on active Momma Battle Duty, for a while more...Later
I have spent the last three days in prayer. Not white-gloved, kneel in church prayer, just a running dialog with God. I have gone to the source with all my dreams and hopes and fears, asking for guidance and a miracle. What i was looking for was a financial miracle,because moving day is tomorrow, and there just isn't much money left. Don't let anyone tell you miracles don't exist...they do. Mine have come when i wrestle my ego to it's knees, and just let go...and, let God.
I still haven't seen that green miracle, but, my faith is strong. I guess He had a more important miracle to take care of first.
Last night, 12am, i tossed and turned, eyes wide open in the dark, thinking about J., and his decision...This is unusual for me, because i am one of those lucky people that fall asleep as soon as i hit the pillow. "Momma? are you asleep?" It was J. at my door. "Can we talk?"
Out we went to the front porch swing, to sit in the dark,with the moon gleaming through the tall maples, and a cup of tea. Maybe staying with his friend wasn't such a good idea, he began. How was he going to make it on his own, without a job, a car, an education? Maybe he wasn't ready. I let him talk, and didn't interrupt, all the while silently thanking God, for THIS was the miracle He had in store for me.
There is a selfish part of me that said "Oh No!", because once i got used to the fact that i was going to maryland alone, i started to fantasize about it all...the sheer, glorious freedom..the first time in my entire life i would live alone, and not take care of anybody but myself.
Not going to happen, yet. J decided to come to maryland, after all.He doesn't realize it yet, but, he has made a decision that will change his life in so many wonderful ways.. And so, the journey continues, and i stay mentor, on active Momma Battle Duty, for a while more...Later
Wednesday, September 01, 2004
Thursday Morning~ Zen of Moving..
When we die, we are supposedly given the video version of our life. We sit with God, hopefully on His lap, like a child, and watch our lives unfold. We get to see, unvarnished, each poignant deed of good and evil, eyes wide open, with the clarity of hindsight.
Moving is like that. It is not just throwing things in boxes, to accomplish the practical placement from here to there. It is a review of our life, for each bowl packed has a story of meals prepared..Stories of that halloween where they held candy for goblins, and you laughed and laughed as they summoned the courage to take it from the green-faced witch...
Photos, so many photos, that make you ache with love, and sorrow, and remembrance of the people who touch, and touched you..
Bills, paid and unpaid, that speak of hard times, and glorious times of abundance..
Old movie stubs, with a heart drawn around them, and concerts that speak of soft, gauzy skirts on a hill, watching the sunset while B.B. King played his final Detroit tour...
Blue Bunny, lovingly wrapped in tissue, minus one ear...And going thru a cookbook, and finding that ear with a scribbled note attached, "SEW BACK ON FOR TODD, today!"
(he is 22 now).
I see now where my riches lie. It is not in the things themself...things can be replaced..a pot is a pot is a pot.
The gold is the essence of lives touched, hearts given, in laughter, in tears, in friendship, in enimity. The gold is in the love of life, and to get there, just love.
Back to packing....later.
When we die, we are supposedly given the video version of our life. We sit with God, hopefully on His lap, like a child, and watch our lives unfold. We get to see, unvarnished, each poignant deed of good and evil, eyes wide open, with the clarity of hindsight.
Moving is like that. It is not just throwing things in boxes, to accomplish the practical placement from here to there. It is a review of our life, for each bowl packed has a story of meals prepared..Stories of that halloween where they held candy for goblins, and you laughed and laughed as they summoned the courage to take it from the green-faced witch...
Photos, so many photos, that make you ache with love, and sorrow, and remembrance of the people who touch, and touched you..
Bills, paid and unpaid, that speak of hard times, and glorious times of abundance..
Old movie stubs, with a heart drawn around them, and concerts that speak of soft, gauzy skirts on a hill, watching the sunset while B.B. King played his final Detroit tour...
Blue Bunny, lovingly wrapped in tissue, minus one ear...And going thru a cookbook, and finding that ear with a scribbled note attached, "SEW BACK ON FOR TODD, today!"
(he is 22 now).
I see now where my riches lie. It is not in the things themself...things can be replaced..a pot is a pot is a pot.
The gold is the essence of lives touched, hearts given, in laughter, in tears, in friendship, in enimity. The gold is in the love of life, and to get there, just love.
Back to packing....later.
Tuesday, August 31, 2004
Tuesday NIght~~ Last Supper...
I have wiggled back and forth on packing the kitchen..but, tonight was the last supper..and i am packing it up.
Chicken cutlets, like my mom made...boneless breasts of chicken, pounded thin with a mallet, then dipped in flour, egg/parmesan cheese/milk/garlic/pepper,then fine breadcrumbs with parsley...Fried quick, in olive oil, til both sides are crispy, golden, fragrant, melt on your tongue, tickle in your belly good. Side dish of fettachine alfredo..(secret recipe...lol) and a salad jeweled with fresh tomatos and basil from the garden.
The phone rang while i was cooking...Matt...honorary son #3...and he heard the tears in my voice...who could help it, cooking the last supper, listening to Andrea Bocceli singing Sogno? Ten minutes later he was over, with his big brother Daniel, honorary son #4...I love them both, and have watched them grow from wild wee things to the giant wild men they are today...Crazy, what i have seen temper them is the women they love...we tend to gentley guide our men., with our hands cupping...well, you get the picture.
To boot, cramps like an elephant on my belly, but, can't stop now....I WILL get it all done....
Found out today that the writing site i first was published on accepted another poem...YiPPIE!! Only problem is, i forgot what I wrote...but, the title is "Lick"
Scary, eh? It comes out in September, so, we shall see if i have to blush and hide, or if it is a more metaphoric "lick"...
God must get dizzy, as i sweep between the earthly and celestrial...or, at the very least, shake His head., at his child...
Back to work...later...
I have wiggled back and forth on packing the kitchen..but, tonight was the last supper..and i am packing it up.
Chicken cutlets, like my mom made...boneless breasts of chicken, pounded thin with a mallet, then dipped in flour, egg/parmesan cheese/milk/garlic/pepper,then fine breadcrumbs with parsley...Fried quick, in olive oil, til both sides are crispy, golden, fragrant, melt on your tongue, tickle in your belly good. Side dish of fettachine alfredo..(secret recipe...lol) and a salad jeweled with fresh tomatos and basil from the garden.
The phone rang while i was cooking...Matt...honorary son #3...and he heard the tears in my voice...who could help it, cooking the last supper, listening to Andrea Bocceli singing Sogno? Ten minutes later he was over, with his big brother Daniel, honorary son #4...I love them both, and have watched them grow from wild wee things to the giant wild men they are today...Crazy, what i have seen temper them is the women they love...we tend to gentley guide our men., with our hands cupping...well, you get the picture.
To boot, cramps like an elephant on my belly, but, can't stop now....I WILL get it all done....
Found out today that the writing site i first was published on accepted another poem...YiPPIE!! Only problem is, i forgot what I wrote...but, the title is "Lick"
Scary, eh? It comes out in September, so, we shall see if i have to blush and hide, or if it is a more metaphoric "lick"...
God must get dizzy, as i sweep between the earthly and celestrial...or, at the very least, shake His head., at his child...
Back to work...later...
Monday, August 30, 2004
Monday Night...And so.~~
J. has decided not to move with me to Maryland. He will come for the trip, to see me there..and then, go back, and live in the hovel he will call home, on his own. Now, that was unfair, and cruel. It isn't a hovel...it is...just not, ...a home that has his mother in it. It will be good for his selfish little heart, i hope. I pinned so much on this move to straighen him out, to school him, to give him a fresh start. And the little twirp goes and decides to strike out on his own, and pursue his dream.
Well, i for one know he is ill eqiupped for the journey. This is the kid that went camping two months ago without a toothbrush, or even a blanket. My God, how will he survive?
Survive he will, or, come home to me, with a greater appreciation of what is given to him, what needs to be earned, and what just is.
Let go, Lisa. You started this ball rolling...let it roll. T. just told me that until the divorce is absoleutely final for K., she can't move in. He has already got a new roommate to cover the costs...while the two of them wait it out.
Let it roll, Lisa, let it roll.
I still see the destiny here, the Grand Plan. I am just gritting my teeth, all the harder. Later.
J. has decided not to move with me to Maryland. He will come for the trip, to see me there..and then, go back, and live in the hovel he will call home, on his own. Now, that was unfair, and cruel. It isn't a hovel...it is...just not, ...a home that has his mother in it. It will be good for his selfish little heart, i hope. I pinned so much on this move to straighen him out, to school him, to give him a fresh start. And the little twirp goes and decides to strike out on his own, and pursue his dream.
Well, i for one know he is ill eqiupped for the journey. This is the kid that went camping two months ago without a toothbrush, or even a blanket. My God, how will he survive?
Survive he will, or, come home to me, with a greater appreciation of what is given to him, what needs to be earned, and what just is.
Let go, Lisa. You started this ball rolling...let it roll. T. just told me that until the divorce is absoleutely final for K., she can't move in. He has already got a new roommate to cover the costs...while the two of them wait it out.
Let it roll, Lisa, let it roll.
I still see the destiny here, the Grand Plan. I am just gritting my teeth, all the harder. Later.
Monday Night....Goodbye Eyes
I am home, and i see everything with Goodbye Eyes. Goodbye eyes...a sheen of tears, and a pull of heart...all is coloured with this peculiar tint...The giant Chicken, along highway 15, on my way home from Canada...advertising "farmfresh Eggs, Buy them Here!" The stretches of farmland, raped and spreadlegged, proclaiming possession with names like "DeerRun" and Countrywide Estates"...The fake storefronts, eluding to an earlier time, with porches, and odd shaped windows, to seduce us with trust, while their billion dollar owners live elsewhere, in luxury, laughing at us overeager, dim whitted, American comsumers...
And my goodbye eyes march forward...till i see my white picket fence, the grass a bit too long, and my boys walk out to meet me..
I almost didn't come home. I almost stayed in Canada, with Rikk"s mom and dad., and his son, and him. They are a family, and they love me. They saw me in the morning, fuzzy haired and naked faced, and loved me. Clue,here..that's all i ever wanted...a family, mom and dad, and kids, and cousins and brothers and sisters...In a terrible way, if it doesnt work out for Rikk and i , i will mourn them more.
I love his eyes, and the way he solidly is my friend and lover..and I am wishful, fearful, because i emote more then he does.....I am fearful because the core of me is used to being alone...and, as much as i love him, i will do fine without him...And, the dollop on that funeral cake is...He is so talented, so special, that, he can do without me. It is a cosmic crap shoot...what will be, will be.
All i know is my destiny is pulling me forward..and, as i faltered through the emotional pull to stay in canada, a redbird sang on the telephone wire, willing me to my path...and as i drove the lonely miles on the empty 402 West., another one dive bombed my car...swirling red telling me to keep on....and, so i will...Later.
s
I am home, and i see everything with Goodbye Eyes. Goodbye eyes...a sheen of tears, and a pull of heart...all is coloured with this peculiar tint...The giant Chicken, along highway 15, on my way home from Canada...advertising "farmfresh Eggs, Buy them Here!" The stretches of farmland, raped and spreadlegged, proclaiming possession with names like "DeerRun" and Countrywide Estates"...The fake storefronts, eluding to an earlier time, with porches, and odd shaped windows, to seduce us with trust, while their billion dollar owners live elsewhere, in luxury, laughing at us overeager, dim whitted, American comsumers...
And my goodbye eyes march forward...till i see my white picket fence, the grass a bit too long, and my boys walk out to meet me..
I almost didn't come home. I almost stayed in Canada, with Rikk"s mom and dad., and his son, and him. They are a family, and they love me. They saw me in the morning, fuzzy haired and naked faced, and loved me. Clue,here..that's all i ever wanted...a family, mom and dad, and kids, and cousins and brothers and sisters...In a terrible way, if it doesnt work out for Rikk and i , i will mourn them more.
I love his eyes, and the way he solidly is my friend and lover..and I am wishful, fearful, because i emote more then he does.....I am fearful because the core of me is used to being alone...and, as much as i love him, i will do fine without him...And, the dollop on that funeral cake is...He is so talented, so special, that, he can do without me. It is a cosmic crap shoot...what will be, will be.
All i know is my destiny is pulling me forward..and, as i faltered through the emotional pull to stay in canada, a redbird sang on the telephone wire, willing me to my path...and as i drove the lonely miles on the empty 402 West., another one dive bombed my car...swirling red telling me to keep on....and, so i will...Later.
s
Saturday, August 28, 2004
Thursday, August 26, 2004
Thursday night~~
When i die, i want them to dress me in black stockings and high heels. I love my legs, even though i had nothing to do with their shape, or length, or curvature. I love them most in a shimmer of black silk, with just a hint of pink skin, winking through. I look down at them, and i see taut muscles, and exploratory curves, ready to walk for miles, and grasp tightly at what is there.
When will i wear black stockings again? This was absoleutely, positively, my last day in sales. It's overalls and tshirts for me, from this day forward....
Hmmnnn...i don"t believe that, do you? wink, wink....
Back to packing....my new life awaits me....later.
When i die, i want them to dress me in black stockings and high heels. I love my legs, even though i had nothing to do with their shape, or length, or curvature. I love them most in a shimmer of black silk, with just a hint of pink skin, winking through. I look down at them, and i see taut muscles, and exploratory curves, ready to walk for miles, and grasp tightly at what is there.
When will i wear black stockings again? This was absoleutely, positively, my last day in sales. It's overalls and tshirts for me, from this day forward....
Hmmnnn...i don"t believe that, do you? wink, wink....
Back to packing....my new life awaits me....later.
Thurday Morning~~
Five hours sleep is just not enough anymore..Woken by J., fighting with his girlfriend sometime after 12AM..Everyone's emotions are running high right now, and i just want to muzzle the lot of them. I sat out in the dark on the front porch swing, listening to the crickets and cicadas, mourning the loss of harmony,AND the loss of sleep.
I am not going to dinner tonight with my old friend..He is my ex-husbands best friend, i don't like the feeling i get in my stomach about his motives. If it is purely to say goodbye, as he says, well, he can come over the house and say goodbye as i pack..i have no time now for superficiality or games. My ex? He has some terrible bridges to rebuild with his children..It took me years to stop taking care of him, stop protecting him, all the while being a "good little wife". If he wants to see them, he can damn well figure out how to do it himself. If they want to see Him, they can damn well figure how to see him, too. I am out of it.
J. told me in the middle of the night that he wants to stay here and pursue his music. He can live with one of the bandmember's and his mom. (This was the Plan 2 i secretly worked out in july with the mom)He says he will finish his education, get a job he can walk to, and save money for his own car. He says that his band is his dream, and he has to follow that dream. He is 18 now...i can't drag him by his hair to maryland. I am moving his furniture anyway. He asked for his bed, but I said no. He can have the old queen set in the garage, and i will get him a new mattress pad. He has to make his own bed, now.
Things change from day to day anyway. He wants to make the trip to maryland, stay a month, and then return to michigan. Perhaps he will fall in love with the beach, and Ocean City, mecca for young people and music.
If i have learned anything, i have finally learned that now matter how you much you love, protect, and sacrifice, you can't make those you love follow any path but their own. Sigh. Later.
Five hours sleep is just not enough anymore..Woken by J., fighting with his girlfriend sometime after 12AM..Everyone's emotions are running high right now, and i just want to muzzle the lot of them. I sat out in the dark on the front porch swing, listening to the crickets and cicadas, mourning the loss of harmony,AND the loss of sleep.
I am not going to dinner tonight with my old friend..He is my ex-husbands best friend, i don't like the feeling i get in my stomach about his motives. If it is purely to say goodbye, as he says, well, he can come over the house and say goodbye as i pack..i have no time now for superficiality or games. My ex? He has some terrible bridges to rebuild with his children..It took me years to stop taking care of him, stop protecting him, all the while being a "good little wife". If he wants to see them, he can damn well figure out how to do it himself. If they want to see Him, they can damn well figure how to see him, too. I am out of it.
J. told me in the middle of the night that he wants to stay here and pursue his music. He can live with one of the bandmember's and his mom. (This was the Plan 2 i secretly worked out in july with the mom)He says he will finish his education, get a job he can walk to, and save money for his own car. He says that his band is his dream, and he has to follow that dream. He is 18 now...i can't drag him by his hair to maryland. I am moving his furniture anyway. He asked for his bed, but I said no. He can have the old queen set in the garage, and i will get him a new mattress pad. He has to make his own bed, now.
Things change from day to day anyway. He wants to make the trip to maryland, stay a month, and then return to michigan. Perhaps he will fall in love with the beach, and Ocean City, mecca for young people and music.
If i have learned anything, i have finally learned that now matter how you much you love, protect, and sacrifice, you can't make those you love follow any path but their own. Sigh. Later.
Wednesday, August 25, 2004
Wednesday, 11pm~~
What a full and glorious day!! This mermaid can hardly keep her head about the waves right now, though. Could it be possible that in 8 days i will be loading the truck, and on my way???
I am NOT ready, nope, not ready at all. I have decided to go from organized, master list and lettered boxes to full fledged panic mode....everything that can go in a box is GOING in...full speed ahead, just get it done......
Why oh why did i say i would work tomorrow? It's going to be a looong day, and i have been invited to dinner by an old friend after work..
I am getting tired just thinking about it all....Ah tomorrow, tomorrow...Thank God for another day....Later..
What a full and glorious day!! This mermaid can hardly keep her head about the waves right now, though. Could it be possible that in 8 days i will be loading the truck, and on my way???
I am NOT ready, nope, not ready at all. I have decided to go from organized, master list and lettered boxes to full fledged panic mode....everything that can go in a box is GOING in...full speed ahead, just get it done......
Why oh why did i say i would work tomorrow? It's going to be a looong day, and i have been invited to dinner by an old friend after work..
I am getting tired just thinking about it all....Ah tomorrow, tomorrow...Thank God for another day....Later..
Tuesday, August 24, 2004
Tuesday Morning~~
Ok, the procastination stops today. I am finally going to have the damn garage sale. Where did i GET all this stuff? I know i am going to be a pushover, too. Fifty cents? IT'S YOURS!!!
Lots of laundry to do, too, and banking...Got up in the attic last night, and was startled by the 6 Foot Glow in the Dark Skeleton, that one of my sweet boys hung in the rafters...got lost in the box of their first teddybears and toys.I like attics..somehow, they seem much more benevolent, kinder, then basements.
I am glad i didn't get all dramatic leaving work...My ex-boss called yesterday, sweet as sugur, and asked if I would fill on on thursday...ARRRRGHHHH!!!And i thought it was all over..Oh, well ..it will be gas money for the trip to maryland.
I am boring myself this morning, and that's not a good sign, half my mind on writing, half in how-am-i-gonna-do-it-all mode...So, adios for now, time to tackle those chores...
Ok, the procastination stops today. I am finally going to have the damn garage sale. Where did i GET all this stuff? I know i am going to be a pushover, too. Fifty cents? IT'S YOURS!!!
Lots of laundry to do, too, and banking...Got up in the attic last night, and was startled by the 6 Foot Glow in the Dark Skeleton, that one of my sweet boys hung in the rafters...got lost in the box of their first teddybears and toys.I like attics..somehow, they seem much more benevolent, kinder, then basements.
I am glad i didn't get all dramatic leaving work...My ex-boss called yesterday, sweet as sugur, and asked if I would fill on on thursday...ARRRRGHHHH!!!And i thought it was all over..Oh, well ..it will be gas money for the trip to maryland.
I am boring myself this morning, and that's not a good sign, half my mind on writing, half in how-am-i-gonna-do-it-all mode...So, adios for now, time to tackle those chores...
Monday, August 23, 2004
Monday~~
I have to blog in parts today, because so much is happening....J. got a phone call, a record producer wants to meet with his band. He says he doesn't want to move, he needs to be with them, because this could be IT. I say, SCREW the record producer, because he is probably a pediophile(is that the right spelling?)I think it is his last ditch effort to stay in michigan, with all that's familiar...
It's okay, though, because i have become quite adept at surfing the J. waves, and, if it is with my last breath, i WILL direct him to the right path. After i have exhausted all my ingenuity, my strength, my force, THEN i will let him go. Sounds horrible, eh? Like an overprotective, blinkered eyed momma.....Guess i am, but, who is to say how many foolish children have been saved by their momma's devotion?
Later...
I have to blog in parts today, because so much is happening....J. got a phone call, a record producer wants to meet with his band. He says he doesn't want to move, he needs to be with them, because this could be IT. I say, SCREW the record producer, because he is probably a pediophile(is that the right spelling?)I think it is his last ditch effort to stay in michigan, with all that's familiar...
It's okay, though, because i have become quite adept at surfing the J. waves, and, if it is with my last breath, i WILL direct him to the right path. After i have exhausted all my ingenuity, my strength, my force, THEN i will let him go. Sounds horrible, eh? Like an overprotective, blinkered eyed momma.....Guess i am, but, who is to say how many foolish children have been saved by their momma's devotion?
Later...
Monday~
It is 6:30 pm, and i have been up since five am. As i started to write, a redbird trilled,"pretty, pretty, pretty"...and i looked out the window, thankful he was there...I ran outside, to see his face, to connect with Mom, because the redbird is her sign to me, that she is there. No redbird to be seen, not even the song....and i took it as a sign that i am on the right path, but, not to expect my hand to be held.
I couldn't even find a bobby pin, and braided my hair, tucked it, and wrapped it in a red bandanna. Into the garage, spider heaven, ....I am so scared of spiders.
K. helped me, and today, i know what it is like to have a daughter. I am blessed., because i always wanted one, badly, yet, instead, i got rough and tumble, testosterone filled, wildly glorious boys. They are good for so much, but, they are not the ones that will stop, when you come across Blue Bunny, T.'s first toy,and weep. They are not the ones to shoulder the white enanamel headboard, with the little flowers, and wait, while you stroke it...remembering a love that died. They are not the ones to help, when you look around helplessly, and finally say" I don't know what to do next". K., please God, will be in my life forever, because i know she loves my son. If that love changes, i will always hold her in special esteem, because she is a special lady unto herself.
The basement is now mostly packed, and the garage, too. The house is beyond tornado now, it is a Class Five Hurricane. But, Each box is numbered, and i have a master list of each. Not bad for a weepy mermaid, who would rather swim. later.
It is 6:30 pm, and i have been up since five am. As i started to write, a redbird trilled,"pretty, pretty, pretty"...and i looked out the window, thankful he was there...I ran outside, to see his face, to connect with Mom, because the redbird is her sign to me, that she is there. No redbird to be seen, not even the song....and i took it as a sign that i am on the right path, but, not to expect my hand to be held.
I couldn't even find a bobby pin, and braided my hair, tucked it, and wrapped it in a red bandanna. Into the garage, spider heaven, ....I am so scared of spiders.
K. helped me, and today, i know what it is like to have a daughter. I am blessed., because i always wanted one, badly, yet, instead, i got rough and tumble, testosterone filled, wildly glorious boys. They are good for so much, but, they are not the ones that will stop, when you come across Blue Bunny, T.'s first toy,and weep. They are not the ones to shoulder the white enanamel headboard, with the little flowers, and wait, while you stroke it...remembering a love that died. They are not the ones to help, when you look around helplessly, and finally say" I don't know what to do next". K., please God, will be in my life forever, because i know she loves my son. If that love changes, i will always hold her in special esteem, because she is a special lady unto herself.
The basement is now mostly packed, and the garage, too. The house is beyond tornado now, it is a Class Five Hurricane. But, Each box is numbered, and i have a master list of each. Not bad for a weepy mermaid, who would rather swim. later.
Sunday, August 22, 2004
Sunday Night~~
It is over. I no longer work for M***and M***. No more dealing with a jaundiced public, waiting to be burned. No more "public face" at least, for a month or so, till i am forced back into the working world.
My hair is so heavy, so hot against my neck. I have the urge to grab a scissor, and cut...Cut it all, satisfiying snip by snip, until i am left with shitsu like tufts..flying around my ears, startling my vision., but, i am too smart to do that.
Last time i did it, i was mad at my ex husband....he loved my hair, and used to glory in it. When he left, i stood in front of the mirror, and, in a self castigating moment, when my success as a wife had been proven barren, i took the scissors, and cut. Cut it all., over a foot of heavy female glory, gone, each snip, a F*U*. The next morning, i felt lighter, brighter, like a new person...but, i secretly mourning my hair. Cutting it was more then cutting HIM out, it was a signal to all that approached....STAY AWAY! I am not interested, I have cut away that female mating signal i used to hold so dear...
Superficial? You might say that...especially if you didn't hold long hair in special regard, like i do. To me, my hair says" I am yielding, i am soft, i am sensual, no matter how tough i seem".
The urge to cut now....it is about letting go, about fear,about changing the external to prove the internal. I am not buying it, this time. I will braid it, bind it, get it off my neck, for this critical cutting time tonight.
Tomorrow, in the shower, i will revel in it's length, in its happy exuberance, and kiss the steamy mirror, ready for another day.
Medicine cabinet done, my closet too, and all my shoes in a tidy little shoe bag.
More done every day, even though it seems endless....
If i could find a pool, i would jump in. I need the water..i need it's cool weightlessness, it's soothing enveloping. I need to exercise my arms, my legs, and float, looking at the stars. One more bath, with honey cream, will have to do..Later.
It is over. I no longer work for M***and M***. No more dealing with a jaundiced public, waiting to be burned. No more "public face" at least, for a month or so, till i am forced back into the working world.
My hair is so heavy, so hot against my neck. I have the urge to grab a scissor, and cut...Cut it all, satisfiying snip by snip, until i am left with shitsu like tufts..flying around my ears, startling my vision., but, i am too smart to do that.
Last time i did it, i was mad at my ex husband....he loved my hair, and used to glory in it. When he left, i stood in front of the mirror, and, in a self castigating moment, when my success as a wife had been proven barren, i took the scissors, and cut. Cut it all., over a foot of heavy female glory, gone, each snip, a F*U*. The next morning, i felt lighter, brighter, like a new person...but, i secretly mourning my hair. Cutting it was more then cutting HIM out, it was a signal to all that approached....STAY AWAY! I am not interested, I have cut away that female mating signal i used to hold so dear...
Superficial? You might say that...especially if you didn't hold long hair in special regard, like i do. To me, my hair says" I am yielding, i am soft, i am sensual, no matter how tough i seem".
The urge to cut now....it is about letting go, about fear,about changing the external to prove the internal. I am not buying it, this time. I will braid it, bind it, get it off my neck, for this critical cutting time tonight.
Tomorrow, in the shower, i will revel in it's length, in its happy exuberance, and kiss the steamy mirror, ready for another day.
Medicine cabinet done, my closet too, and all my shoes in a tidy little shoe bag.
More done every day, even though it seems endless....
If i could find a pool, i would jump in. I need the water..i need it's cool weightlessness, it's soothing enveloping. I need to exercise my arms, my legs, and float, looking at the stars. One more bath, with honey cream, will have to do..Later.
Saturday, August 21, 2004
Saturday Night~~
This is so odd. I am alone. Really, really alone. There is no J, beating his wings against my heart. There is no T.,solid, loving, in my presence. No Rikk, in his overalls, watching tv, with a faraway look in his eye, creating...And no me, overseeing them all, punting and posturing and nurturing..
I am alone. How odd. My whole life has been filled with people. I like it,this freedom..and yet, i keep touching myself, looking for bullet holes, because, i am sure i have been shot thru the heart, and i just don't know it.
I packed up the rest of Rikk's clothes...i don't even think he remembers them. I will bring them to Canada for my last trip to see him, along with his camping gear and his sound system, and tools i have found, as i packed.He called last night, just to connect the tenuous dots to our heart.
The house is a whirlwind, and though i keep working, it doesn't look any better...
Am i doing the right thing? What balls did i grow, to move to a new state, new life, with no job, no money, just a dream?
Faith. Plain old ordinary, run of the mill, i won't get hit when i cross the road, faith. Scared doesn't count. Lonely doesn't count. I am just going to keep on looking toward the future, staring the "aloneness" in the eye...and go for it.I am crying, and so be it.I can crawl into my bed, and tuck myself in, and still, go for it.
Later.
This is so odd. I am alone. Really, really alone. There is no J, beating his wings against my heart. There is no T.,solid, loving, in my presence. No Rikk, in his overalls, watching tv, with a faraway look in his eye, creating...And no me, overseeing them all, punting and posturing and nurturing..
I am alone. How odd. My whole life has been filled with people. I like it,this freedom..and yet, i keep touching myself, looking for bullet holes, because, i am sure i have been shot thru the heart, and i just don't know it.
I packed up the rest of Rikk's clothes...i don't even think he remembers them. I will bring them to Canada for my last trip to see him, along with his camping gear and his sound system, and tools i have found, as i packed.He called last night, just to connect the tenuous dots to our heart.
The house is a whirlwind, and though i keep working, it doesn't look any better...
Am i doing the right thing? What balls did i grow, to move to a new state, new life, with no job, no money, just a dream?
Faith. Plain old ordinary, run of the mill, i won't get hit when i cross the road, faith. Scared doesn't count. Lonely doesn't count. I am just going to keep on looking toward the future, staring the "aloneness" in the eye...and go for it.I am crying, and so be it.I can crawl into my bed, and tuck myself in, and still, go for it.
Later.
Saturday Morning~~
Writing fast, disaster strikes!! I burnt the potroast last night,so involved with Sammmy, and her mom, (yes, i burnt dinner for the owner of the gourmet restaurant,sigh)that i totally forgot about it, and it was spectacularly charred and dry. I even tried to bring it back with a little apple juice, but, nothing could fix it. We laughed, cut away the burnt parts, and ate it anyway. At least the mashed potatoes, green beans from the garden, and fried green tomatoes were good.
Then just a bit ago, all ready to go but for my black skirt, THE IRON DIED. So many things have broken here in the last month, i just can't understand it. Nothing else to wear, and i had to wear stockings with garters because i ran my last pair of pantyhose. sigh. So, i am wearing an indian skirt, MADE to look crinkled, and off i go til later......What a day!
Writing fast, disaster strikes!! I burnt the potroast last night,so involved with Sammmy, and her mom, (yes, i burnt dinner for the owner of the gourmet restaurant,sigh)that i totally forgot about it, and it was spectacularly charred and dry. I even tried to bring it back with a little apple juice, but, nothing could fix it. We laughed, cut away the burnt parts, and ate it anyway. At least the mashed potatoes, green beans from the garden, and fried green tomatoes were good.
Then just a bit ago, all ready to go but for my black skirt, THE IRON DIED. So many things have broken here in the last month, i just can't understand it. Nothing else to wear, and i had to wear stockings with garters because i ran my last pair of pantyhose. sigh. So, i am wearing an indian skirt, MADE to look crinkled, and off i go til later......What a day!
Friday, August 20, 2004
Friday Morning~~
I woke at 5am, with J. shaking my shoulder. Something in his eye, and he had tried unsuccessfully to get it out. Coconut hair? (coconut has fine, long, white fur). I don't wake up well..i need an hour of aloneness and coffee to be human. But, up i got, and filled my little squeese bottle for decorating chocolates with warm water, and flushed and flushed his reddened eye. Still hurt...so, i did a healing for him.
This healing ability is a God gift, i think. I breathe deep, go far inside, and ask to be a conduit for healing. I don't do it often, i don't tell many people about it. I don't know if i really heal, but i know i have taken pain away from those that i love. Occasionally i am brought to a stranger that needs help,and i always give it, though i wrestle with my fear of looking foolish, or like a new age goofball.
It is something that i want to develop more when i get to maryland; i know my walks alone on the beach will be a joyful communion time with God.
In just a few minutes, i am going to pick up little Sammy. She is the 11 year old daughter of the owners of the gourmet restaurant that i worked at, in my brief breakaway from the mattress store. She is berefit that i am leaving, and her mother is worried about her. We have had a special bond for two years now..she is a brilliant, sensitive little girl, a true destiny child. We became friends when she had to give up her little black kitten, (link kitty). I took him in, and when i went to pick him up, i brought her a little journal so that we could be co-mothers of Link, and write back and forth about him. She is begging for Link back now...but, i can't do that to the boys, they are bonded. Coconut is my baby, so loving and placid and gentle, unlike the fierce Link. I am thinking of giving him to Sammy, so she has a special friend here in michigan..coconut would keep a concrete connection for her...but, can i let him go? I will know the right thing to do, when the moment comes...
Once again, the garage sale is postponed...I would rather be with Sammy, and make her favorite Cranberry Potroast, and the hell with the garage sale today....Later.
I woke at 5am, with J. shaking my shoulder. Something in his eye, and he had tried unsuccessfully to get it out. Coconut hair? (coconut has fine, long, white fur). I don't wake up well..i need an hour of aloneness and coffee to be human. But, up i got, and filled my little squeese bottle for decorating chocolates with warm water, and flushed and flushed his reddened eye. Still hurt...so, i did a healing for him.
This healing ability is a God gift, i think. I breathe deep, go far inside, and ask to be a conduit for healing. I don't do it often, i don't tell many people about it. I don't know if i really heal, but i know i have taken pain away from those that i love. Occasionally i am brought to a stranger that needs help,and i always give it, though i wrestle with my fear of looking foolish, or like a new age goofball.
It is something that i want to develop more when i get to maryland; i know my walks alone on the beach will be a joyful communion time with God.
In just a few minutes, i am going to pick up little Sammy. She is the 11 year old daughter of the owners of the gourmet restaurant that i worked at, in my brief breakaway from the mattress store. She is berefit that i am leaving, and her mother is worried about her. We have had a special bond for two years now..she is a brilliant, sensitive little girl, a true destiny child. We became friends when she had to give up her little black kitten, (link kitty). I took him in, and when i went to pick him up, i brought her a little journal so that we could be co-mothers of Link, and write back and forth about him. She is begging for Link back now...but, i can't do that to the boys, they are bonded. Coconut is my baby, so loving and placid and gentle, unlike the fierce Link. I am thinking of giving him to Sammy, so she has a special friend here in michigan..coconut would keep a concrete connection for her...but, can i let him go? I will know the right thing to do, when the moment comes...
Once again, the garage sale is postponed...I would rather be with Sammy, and make her favorite Cranberry Potroast, and the hell with the garage sale today....Later.
Thursday, August 19, 2004
Thursday afternoon~~
I hate moving. It's a horrible process. I am sure "Bad Mother's "entrance to Hell looks like a teenage son's room. I have found spiders, dust, dirt, and i must be a REALLY bad housekeeper, to sneeze and sneeze the way i am.
Now my references to the house looking like a tornado are just a joke; I am grimly piling boxes in the dining room, and i feel claustrophobic and jittery.
I don't want to do the garage sale, either....but, it will be gas money on the way down.
J.s room is done.....i cornered him like a rat, and made him choose what to take and what to donate and what to trash. In the midst of that, T. is going on the annual canoe/camping trip up north...and for the first time, didn't want Mom's help. He scowled and snorted and managed to get himself together, then apologised for his surly behavior, and off he went.
Me, kneedeep in Bad Mother's hell, got a phone call....The gastank on his Jimmy was leaking....We rescued him, transferred his stuff to his buddy's car, and back to packing i went.
Tomorrow afternoon, J and T.'s girlfriend will go up to the campsite...and i will be BLISSFULLY alone....I don't know if i can stand it.!!!! There will definately be some naked dancing to Barry White, or, at the very least, more boxes packed in peace, and a pizza. Later.
t
I hate moving. It's a horrible process. I am sure "Bad Mother's "entrance to Hell looks like a teenage son's room. I have found spiders, dust, dirt, and i must be a REALLY bad housekeeper, to sneeze and sneeze the way i am.
Now my references to the house looking like a tornado are just a joke; I am grimly piling boxes in the dining room, and i feel claustrophobic and jittery.
I don't want to do the garage sale, either....but, it will be gas money on the way down.
J.s room is done.....i cornered him like a rat, and made him choose what to take and what to donate and what to trash. In the midst of that, T. is going on the annual canoe/camping trip up north...and for the first time, didn't want Mom's help. He scowled and snorted and managed to get himself together, then apologised for his surly behavior, and off he went.
Me, kneedeep in Bad Mother's hell, got a phone call....The gastank on his Jimmy was leaking....We rescued him, transferred his stuff to his buddy's car, and back to packing i went.
Tomorrow afternoon, J and T.'s girlfriend will go up to the campsite...and i will be BLISSFULLY alone....I don't know if i can stand it.!!!! There will definately be some naked dancing to Barry White, or, at the very least, more boxes packed in peace, and a pizza. Later.
t
Thursday Morning~~
The darkness has slipped away, once more. I have packed so much to do into this one day that i am astounded, even with my customary wild optimism. Woke up wide eyed, ready to leap out of bed...made the coffee so fast that somehow the grinds are mixed in, and i am drinking it anyway.
Today is the day Daddy died..He will always be "daddy", not father, not pop, not dad. I remember the moment i found out so clearly, so acutely, that it is forever captured under glass, almost 40 years later. As i type this, i stop, and rock back and forth, holding myself. Love never dies, though people do. I still feel your scratchy cheek against my babysmooth one, daddy. I hear your laugh, and snuggle up in your arms as you read your paper. Your love for me has been a saving grace, the beacon, the benchmark, that i have measured men against.You wept the last time i saw you, so weak and drawn in the hospital."who will take care of my little girl? you are the one i worry about..who will protect you?".
It all happens for a reason, daddy, so stop worrying. I walk with my angels, and have learned how to protect myself...these long years...without you...Later.
The darkness has slipped away, once more. I have packed so much to do into this one day that i am astounded, even with my customary wild optimism. Woke up wide eyed, ready to leap out of bed...made the coffee so fast that somehow the grinds are mixed in, and i am drinking it anyway.
Today is the day Daddy died..He will always be "daddy", not father, not pop, not dad. I remember the moment i found out so clearly, so acutely, that it is forever captured under glass, almost 40 years later. As i type this, i stop, and rock back and forth, holding myself. Love never dies, though people do. I still feel your scratchy cheek against my babysmooth one, daddy. I hear your laugh, and snuggle up in your arms as you read your paper. Your love for me has been a saving grace, the beacon, the benchmark, that i have measured men against.You wept the last time i saw you, so weak and drawn in the hospital."who will take care of my little girl? you are the one i worry about..who will protect you?".
It all happens for a reason, daddy, so stop worrying. I walk with my angels, and have learned how to protect myself...these long years...without you...Later.
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