Thursday Morning,
I awoke before six, and went outside to watch to sky turn pink in the east. I wondered if the ponies ran the beach at that hour, noses up, waiting for the day.
I didn't go look...but, rather, snuggled back in my cloud of a bed, content.
I am back. Truly back. I have changed my screensaver to a picture of Todd and K.,sitting in my front porch swing, wide, sassy grins on their dear faces. I have my nephew, C, coming tonight, with his fiancee.., and a new dryer my sister bought being delivered this morning.
I rearranged the guest room upstairs, and hung lace curtains at the windows, and it's ready for the first overnight guest that i don't know this saturday...a friend of my brother-in-law.
I am calling Rite-Aid today, and I have a crazy hunch of a job elsewhere that i am going to explore.
I am going to enjoy this respite from work, instead of squirming in anxiety about money. For, the truth is, it's not something i can change at this given moment, so, i might as well use the time happily.
Off i go, to a brandnew day...Later.
Thursday, September 16, 2004
Wednesday, September 15, 2004
Wednesday Night~~
First, thank you, amadeus...you are such a loving friend. Your reply today was what i was thinking, you just put it to words for me.
Justin should know in a few days about his job...the owners are out of town. I had to push him out of the car, with prayers and a swift kick, but, i watched him in the rear view mirror, (even though i DID tell him "pull up your pants!" and, he walked tall. Such a serious, intelligent young man, such a mere infant, sigh.
Me? well, i cleaned and put away my books, and left a message for the DM of the drugstore. I have a horrible feeling that i transposed the numbers in my new phone number, something i do when i am nervous.
We rented a video downtown. The local toughgirl, about 200 bucks soaking wet, shook my hand and almost crushed it. I forgot to wear makeup, and my hair was at it's best..yanked up in a clip, with a frizzy poodle-doo in the front.
The lady behind the counter greeted me..."you must be the new woman in town" I was startled...how did she KNOW? She asked me how i liked the town...and i said, "well, i enjoy all the cornfields, and the sea is wonderful". Dead silence.
"where u-all from?" she queried. "uhmmm, Detroit". Her eyes widened, and i think she did a quick visual, looking for weapons.
"what da u-all do?" I wanted to say i was a missionary, or, librarian, or, i inherited my moohlah, but, instead, i blurted out..."I am a Writer!"
Shit. the book isn't written yet. I can't believe i said that.
I have to blame my sweetest friend, Flora. She started me blogging. She told me i could write. Once i started writing, last March, it was all over for me.
First, came the practice. Then, came the kernel of thought....could i, would i? write a book? Then came the idea,,,what to write about? Then came the book premise...Then, finally, the title...which is....
Redbird. (of course)
Broke, scared, and finally happy,
later.
First, thank you, amadeus...you are such a loving friend. Your reply today was what i was thinking, you just put it to words for me.
Justin should know in a few days about his job...the owners are out of town. I had to push him out of the car, with prayers and a swift kick, but, i watched him in the rear view mirror, (even though i DID tell him "pull up your pants!" and, he walked tall. Such a serious, intelligent young man, such a mere infant, sigh.
Me? well, i cleaned and put away my books, and left a message for the DM of the drugstore. I have a horrible feeling that i transposed the numbers in my new phone number, something i do when i am nervous.
We rented a video downtown. The local toughgirl, about 200 bucks soaking wet, shook my hand and almost crushed it. I forgot to wear makeup, and my hair was at it's best..yanked up in a clip, with a frizzy poodle-doo in the front.
The lady behind the counter greeted me..."you must be the new woman in town" I was startled...how did she KNOW? She asked me how i liked the town...and i said, "well, i enjoy all the cornfields, and the sea is wonderful". Dead silence.
"where u-all from?" she queried. "uhmmm, Detroit". Her eyes widened, and i think she did a quick visual, looking for weapons.
"what da u-all do?" I wanted to say i was a missionary, or, librarian, or, i inherited my moohlah, but, instead, i blurted out..."I am a Writer!"
Shit. the book isn't written yet. I can't believe i said that.
I have to blame my sweetest friend, Flora. She started me blogging. She told me i could write. Once i started writing, last March, it was all over for me.
First, came the practice. Then, came the kernel of thought....could i, would i? write a book? Then came the idea,,,what to write about? Then came the book premise...Then, finally, the title...which is....
Redbird. (of course)
Broke, scared, and finally happy,
later.
Wednesday Morning~~
Before i opened my eyes this morning, i heard the redbird sing. The wind ruffled through the sheer white curtains in my bedroom, and i sat up, looking for my first glimpse of my totem bird since i have been in maryland. I heard her clearly, but couldnt see her.
Not yet. I haven't seen her yet. This concerns me, because i inhabit a world of secret signs and omens, that somehow overlap and fit into my everyday practicality.
I am fighting a war right now. It is a singular war, against depression and low self-esteem. It keeps me from writing, because i see my words as a whining, woe-is-me victim, instead of the poet-warrior i am meant to be.
So, today as i heard the redbird, and didn't see her, i DO take it as a sign..A sign that all will be well, even if i don't see it. I just have to work with what i have, keep exploring the area until it becomes familiar, find solace in the sea, and put on a happy face.
Today J. has a job interview at 12 noon, working for a Doggie-hotel. Can you believe it? A bed and breakfast for dogs. Last night we got out the papers for the Home Schooling program, and we will call on that today..or rather, HE will call, i will just be standing by.
I am faxing my resume to a local newspaper, looking for a classified salesperson...sounds interesting, so, why not? I am also going to get in touch with the District Mgr. of one the national drugstores i used to work at, it's decent, all year round employment, with good benefits. What does it matter, as long as i write my book in the meantime?
Off i go, to fight my war, to find beauty where i can, to keep active, to keep a smile on my face, and hope in my heart. Later.
Before i opened my eyes this morning, i heard the redbird sing. The wind ruffled through the sheer white curtains in my bedroom, and i sat up, looking for my first glimpse of my totem bird since i have been in maryland. I heard her clearly, but couldnt see her.
Not yet. I haven't seen her yet. This concerns me, because i inhabit a world of secret signs and omens, that somehow overlap and fit into my everyday practicality.
I am fighting a war right now. It is a singular war, against depression and low self-esteem. It keeps me from writing, because i see my words as a whining, woe-is-me victim, instead of the poet-warrior i am meant to be.
So, today as i heard the redbird, and didn't see her, i DO take it as a sign..A sign that all will be well, even if i don't see it. I just have to work with what i have, keep exploring the area until it becomes familiar, find solace in the sea, and put on a happy face.
Today J. has a job interview at 12 noon, working for a Doggie-hotel. Can you believe it? A bed and breakfast for dogs. Last night we got out the papers for the Home Schooling program, and we will call on that today..or rather, HE will call, i will just be standing by.
I am faxing my resume to a local newspaper, looking for a classified salesperson...sounds interesting, so, why not? I am also going to get in touch with the District Mgr. of one the national drugstores i used to work at, it's decent, all year round employment, with good benefits. What does it matter, as long as i write my book in the meantime?
Off i go, to fight my war, to find beauty where i can, to keep active, to keep a smile on my face, and hope in my heart. Later.
Tuesday, September 14, 2004
tuesday night~~
I just wanted to say thank you for all your support...those of you that i know personally, and those of you who have come to know me from my writings..
I am trying to write everyday, but, i confess, my heart just isn't in it right now.....early to bed tonight, and looking towards a new day...later.
I just wanted to say thank you for all your support...those of you that i know personally, and those of you who have come to know me from my writings..
I am trying to write everyday, but, i confess, my heart just isn't in it right now.....early to bed tonight, and looking towards a new day...later.
Monday, September 13, 2004
Monday Morning~~
They say there is such as phenomenon as the "dark night of the soul". I don't think this is an isolated happening, in any life...But, rather, a series of chapters of growth, where we are all alone in the dark, afraid, longing for comfort, longing for the light..
Some of us call to our mommies, some of us whistle, some of us numb ourselves with drug, or drink. Most of us pray, pray as we whistle, pray as we drink, pray as we drug...All of us, i think, move thru the darkness with the bogeyman over our shoulder, all of us grow in wisdom, in experience, as we walk that dark corridor that we hope we never see again.
Do i think that suffering is necessary for growth? With a heavy heart, wishing i could say elsewise, i say, unequivocally, YES.
Maybe the saints were right, all along. Personally, the many avenues of pain i have suffered, have not killed me, just made me stronger.
I am not discounting the bird in flight, the beauty of the blossom, the scent of lavender. I am not discounting the delicacy of a hand held, or the tears of joy in the throes of intimacy.
I am only saying, have the courage to walk thru the darkest of nights...the darkness that flows from the physical world we inhabit, the even darker state of our minds, as we leave familiarity, leave relationships, leave the known.
I want to meet Christopher Columbus in heaven. He sailed the ocean, deep and vast and magnificent, with only his instincts and dreams leading him to a horizon others said was flat.
Go for it. Christopher was right. You don't drop off the horizon. The world is round, not flat.
I am back, the mermaid beached on the shore, gasping for breath. I have walked my dark night, weeping over my separation from my front porch swing, my son, my love, Todd, my proximity to all that is known and dear.
I am back, growling at the lack of money, the unpaid bills. I am strengthening my backbone, as Justin, the child i wanted to save from pain, runs back to it, to Michigan.
I walked 5 miles on the beach this morning, my companions my aching feet, sandpipers, and bits of broken shell.
The wild ponies raced along the water, and i heard, impossibly, a redbird cry my beloved"pretty, pretty, pretty". I walked slow, the flowered backpack i thought i should discard filled with water, a pen, paper, and my keys.
I asked God...why did i do this crazy thing? Why am i here?
All i heard was the rhythm of the water. All i saw was the sleek line of sky and sea.I asked for a sign...i prayed for work....
I wanted something spectacular...dolphins arcing in play..a perfect conch shell.
Instead.....
I got a walking stick..Driftwood, with a gnarled edge, a rounded shape..yet, perfectly fitted to my height and hand.
So...thanks, God. For being there thru my "darkest night"..Not miraculous transporting me out of my pain, but giving me a walking stick. later.
They say there is such as phenomenon as the "dark night of the soul". I don't think this is an isolated happening, in any life...But, rather, a series of chapters of growth, where we are all alone in the dark, afraid, longing for comfort, longing for the light..
Some of us call to our mommies, some of us whistle, some of us numb ourselves with drug, or drink. Most of us pray, pray as we whistle, pray as we drink, pray as we drug...All of us, i think, move thru the darkness with the bogeyman over our shoulder, all of us grow in wisdom, in experience, as we walk that dark corridor that we hope we never see again.
Do i think that suffering is necessary for growth? With a heavy heart, wishing i could say elsewise, i say, unequivocally, YES.
Maybe the saints were right, all along. Personally, the many avenues of pain i have suffered, have not killed me, just made me stronger.
I am not discounting the bird in flight, the beauty of the blossom, the scent of lavender. I am not discounting the delicacy of a hand held, or the tears of joy in the throes of intimacy.
I am only saying, have the courage to walk thru the darkest of nights...the darkness that flows from the physical world we inhabit, the even darker state of our minds, as we leave familiarity, leave relationships, leave the known.
I want to meet Christopher Columbus in heaven. He sailed the ocean, deep and vast and magnificent, with only his instincts and dreams leading him to a horizon others said was flat.
Go for it. Christopher was right. You don't drop off the horizon. The world is round, not flat.
I am back, the mermaid beached on the shore, gasping for breath. I have walked my dark night, weeping over my separation from my front porch swing, my son, my love, Todd, my proximity to all that is known and dear.
I am back, growling at the lack of money, the unpaid bills. I am strengthening my backbone, as Justin, the child i wanted to save from pain, runs back to it, to Michigan.
I walked 5 miles on the beach this morning, my companions my aching feet, sandpipers, and bits of broken shell.
The wild ponies raced along the water, and i heard, impossibly, a redbird cry my beloved"pretty, pretty, pretty". I walked slow, the flowered backpack i thought i should discard filled with water, a pen, paper, and my keys.
I asked God...why did i do this crazy thing? Why am i here?
All i heard was the rhythm of the water. All i saw was the sleek line of sky and sea.I asked for a sign...i prayed for work....
I wanted something spectacular...dolphins arcing in play..a perfect conch shell.
Instead.....
I got a walking stick..Driftwood, with a gnarled edge, a rounded shape..yet, perfectly fitted to my height and hand.
So...thanks, God. For being there thru my "darkest night"..Not miraculous transporting me out of my pain, but giving me a walking stick. later.
Saturday, September 11, 2004
Saturday Morning~~
I guess i never expected to be so homesick. I keep reminding myself that i need to give myself time....time to settle in, time to make this my home. My sister has tried so hard to make me welcome...the strangeness will wear off, right?
I am going to the beach in a few minutes, and walk. I hear a redbird every morning, but i haven't seen him yet....My fingers feel depressed on the keyboard..., how funny!! never heard of depressed fingers before...must be a writer's block type of ailment.,lol...
So, i am taking the advise i have so often given to others...cheer up, get moving, and it will be okay....later.
I guess i never expected to be so homesick. I keep reminding myself that i need to give myself time....time to settle in, time to make this my home. My sister has tried so hard to make me welcome...the strangeness will wear off, right?
I am going to the beach in a few minutes, and walk. I hear a redbird every morning, but i haven't seen him yet....My fingers feel depressed on the keyboard..., how funny!! never heard of depressed fingers before...must be a writer's block type of ailment.,lol...
So, i am taking the advise i have so often given to others...cheer up, get moving, and it will be okay....later.
Friday, September 10, 2004
Thursday Night~~
Home is where the heart is...God Bless whoever wrote that..because, today, i know it is true. I am now living in a beautiful house...so beautiful, i would not dare to eat an icecream sandwich on the couch. The sea is so close, and the sky...well, the stars reach down and kiss you...
And me? i miss my little cottage. I am waking up each night in dead sweats, I miss my son. I miss the stupid mattress store. I miss the winding road, to my house. I miss .....well, i miss everything. I am just a coward. I don't know why i moved. I miss Justin's girlfriend, with her serious eyes, and her tiny little waist, and i miss my grandbabies(even though i can't really claim them yet.) I miss my red tomatoes, and my swing, and i miss my flowers.
Why in God's name did i do this?????This house makes funny noises in the middle of the night, and, i am locking the doors, scared. Later
Home is where the heart is...God Bless whoever wrote that..because, today, i know it is true. I am now living in a beautiful house...so beautiful, i would not dare to eat an icecream sandwich on the couch. The sea is so close, and the sky...well, the stars reach down and kiss you...
And me? i miss my little cottage. I am waking up each night in dead sweats, I miss my son. I miss the stupid mattress store. I miss the winding road, to my house. I miss .....well, i miss everything. I am just a coward. I don't know why i moved. I miss Justin's girlfriend, with her serious eyes, and her tiny little waist, and i miss my grandbabies(even though i can't really claim them yet.) I miss my red tomatoes, and my swing, and i miss my flowers.
Why in God's name did i do this?????This house makes funny noises in the middle of the night, and, i am locking the doors, scared. Later
Friday, September 03, 2004
Thursday, September 02, 2004
Thursday Night~~The witches of waterford..
I wanted so much to make homemade salsa from the garden, and light candles, and wear a flowing skirt, with bright red, painted lips. Instead, i wore jeans, and no bra, and my naked face peered out from my glasses. My curls were corraled, in a big, wicked clip, and i drank alot of wine.
And the people that loved me? They are the ones that don't really have alot, if you talk about material things, but, they are so rich, so real, that i know that i have sat with them before, in heaven, and just leaned back and laughed..and probably shared a meal or two, or ten thousand.
Ginny packed the clean clothes, fresh from the laundry mat. Mary organized my camping gear. Andrea made the boys pick up, and Lindsey, God love her, sick as a dog, and delicately excusing herself to be sick, ferried things from box to box.
My Todd bought pizza, and was the perfect host(chip off the old block) And, in his do-rag, six foot two, and watchful, made it all happen.
J..well, he gave me his last hurrah in michigan...tried to fight with me...and i just was exausted by his bullshit. He picked up a plate, went to throw it...and i said.."go for it...if that's the best you can do...because, i am going to pop you a good one if you really piss me off..i don't have time for your crap tonight." Then i walked out the door...went back to my friends, and the love i felt as i gave things away, and the wine didn't hurt, either.
Amazing...i didn't hear a crash...guess it wasn't the same with no audience...
They all toasted me..and i felt so, so loved...My gift to them was to go around the circle, and do a phychic reading...I don't do it often, it is very draining...but, i wanted so badly to give back....I think i gave them some insight, and hopefully some foresight...
Now, it's time for bed...I haven't even told you about my visit with my friend Pat...but, that's another story...later.
I wanted so much to make homemade salsa from the garden, and light candles, and wear a flowing skirt, with bright red, painted lips. Instead, i wore jeans, and no bra, and my naked face peered out from my glasses. My curls were corraled, in a big, wicked clip, and i drank alot of wine.
And the people that loved me? They are the ones that don't really have alot, if you talk about material things, but, they are so rich, so real, that i know that i have sat with them before, in heaven, and just leaned back and laughed..and probably shared a meal or two, or ten thousand.
Ginny packed the clean clothes, fresh from the laundry mat. Mary organized my camping gear. Andrea made the boys pick up, and Lindsey, God love her, sick as a dog, and delicately excusing herself to be sick, ferried things from box to box.
My Todd bought pizza, and was the perfect host(chip off the old block) And, in his do-rag, six foot two, and watchful, made it all happen.
J..well, he gave me his last hurrah in michigan...tried to fight with me...and i just was exausted by his bullshit. He picked up a plate, went to throw it...and i said.."go for it...if that's the best you can do...because, i am going to pop you a good one if you really piss me off..i don't have time for your crap tonight." Then i walked out the door...went back to my friends, and the love i felt as i gave things away, and the wine didn't hurt, either.
Amazing...i didn't hear a crash...guess it wasn't the same with no audience...
They all toasted me..and i felt so, so loved...My gift to them was to go around the circle, and do a phychic reading...I don't do it often, it is very draining...but, i wanted so badly to give back....I think i gave them some insight, and hopefully some foresight...
Now, it's time for bed...I haven't even told you about my visit with my friend Pat...but, that's another story...later.
Thursday Morning~
I have spent the last three days in prayer. Not white-gloved, kneel in church prayer, just a running dialog with God. I have gone to the source with all my dreams and hopes and fears, asking for guidance and a miracle. What i was looking for was a financial miracle,because moving day is tomorrow, and there just isn't much money left. Don't let anyone tell you miracles don't exist...they do. Mine have come when i wrestle my ego to it's knees, and just let go...and, let God.
I still haven't seen that green miracle, but, my faith is strong. I guess He had a more important miracle to take care of first.
Last night, 12am, i tossed and turned, eyes wide open in the dark, thinking about J., and his decision...This is unusual for me, because i am one of those lucky people that fall asleep as soon as i hit the pillow. "Momma? are you asleep?" It was J. at my door. "Can we talk?"
Out we went to the front porch swing, to sit in the dark,with the moon gleaming through the tall maples, and a cup of tea. Maybe staying with his friend wasn't such a good idea, he began. How was he going to make it on his own, without a job, a car, an education? Maybe he wasn't ready. I let him talk, and didn't interrupt, all the while silently thanking God, for THIS was the miracle He had in store for me.
There is a selfish part of me that said "Oh No!", because once i got used to the fact that i was going to maryland alone, i started to fantasize about it all...the sheer, glorious freedom..the first time in my entire life i would live alone, and not take care of anybody but myself.
Not going to happen, yet. J decided to come to maryland, after all.He doesn't realize it yet, but, he has made a decision that will change his life in so many wonderful ways.. And so, the journey continues, and i stay mentor, on active Momma Battle Duty, for a while more...Later
I have spent the last three days in prayer. Not white-gloved, kneel in church prayer, just a running dialog with God. I have gone to the source with all my dreams and hopes and fears, asking for guidance and a miracle. What i was looking for was a financial miracle,because moving day is tomorrow, and there just isn't much money left. Don't let anyone tell you miracles don't exist...they do. Mine have come when i wrestle my ego to it's knees, and just let go...and, let God.
I still haven't seen that green miracle, but, my faith is strong. I guess He had a more important miracle to take care of first.
Last night, 12am, i tossed and turned, eyes wide open in the dark, thinking about J., and his decision...This is unusual for me, because i am one of those lucky people that fall asleep as soon as i hit the pillow. "Momma? are you asleep?" It was J. at my door. "Can we talk?"
Out we went to the front porch swing, to sit in the dark,with the moon gleaming through the tall maples, and a cup of tea. Maybe staying with his friend wasn't such a good idea, he began. How was he going to make it on his own, without a job, a car, an education? Maybe he wasn't ready. I let him talk, and didn't interrupt, all the while silently thanking God, for THIS was the miracle He had in store for me.
There is a selfish part of me that said "Oh No!", because once i got used to the fact that i was going to maryland alone, i started to fantasize about it all...the sheer, glorious freedom..the first time in my entire life i would live alone, and not take care of anybody but myself.
Not going to happen, yet. J decided to come to maryland, after all.He doesn't realize it yet, but, he has made a decision that will change his life in so many wonderful ways.. And so, the journey continues, and i stay mentor, on active Momma Battle Duty, for a while more...Later
Wednesday, September 01, 2004
Thursday Morning~ Zen of Moving..
When we die, we are supposedly given the video version of our life. We sit with God, hopefully on His lap, like a child, and watch our lives unfold. We get to see, unvarnished, each poignant deed of good and evil, eyes wide open, with the clarity of hindsight.
Moving is like that. It is not just throwing things in boxes, to accomplish the practical placement from here to there. It is a review of our life, for each bowl packed has a story of meals prepared..Stories of that halloween where they held candy for goblins, and you laughed and laughed as they summoned the courage to take it from the green-faced witch...
Photos, so many photos, that make you ache with love, and sorrow, and remembrance of the people who touch, and touched you..
Bills, paid and unpaid, that speak of hard times, and glorious times of abundance..
Old movie stubs, with a heart drawn around them, and concerts that speak of soft, gauzy skirts on a hill, watching the sunset while B.B. King played his final Detroit tour...
Blue Bunny, lovingly wrapped in tissue, minus one ear...And going thru a cookbook, and finding that ear with a scribbled note attached, "SEW BACK ON FOR TODD, today!"
(he is 22 now).
I see now where my riches lie. It is not in the things themself...things can be replaced..a pot is a pot is a pot.
The gold is the essence of lives touched, hearts given, in laughter, in tears, in friendship, in enimity. The gold is in the love of life, and to get there, just love.
Back to packing....later.
When we die, we are supposedly given the video version of our life. We sit with God, hopefully on His lap, like a child, and watch our lives unfold. We get to see, unvarnished, each poignant deed of good and evil, eyes wide open, with the clarity of hindsight.
Moving is like that. It is not just throwing things in boxes, to accomplish the practical placement from here to there. It is a review of our life, for each bowl packed has a story of meals prepared..Stories of that halloween where they held candy for goblins, and you laughed and laughed as they summoned the courage to take it from the green-faced witch...
Photos, so many photos, that make you ache with love, and sorrow, and remembrance of the people who touch, and touched you..
Bills, paid and unpaid, that speak of hard times, and glorious times of abundance..
Old movie stubs, with a heart drawn around them, and concerts that speak of soft, gauzy skirts on a hill, watching the sunset while B.B. King played his final Detroit tour...
Blue Bunny, lovingly wrapped in tissue, minus one ear...And going thru a cookbook, and finding that ear with a scribbled note attached, "SEW BACK ON FOR TODD, today!"
(he is 22 now).
I see now where my riches lie. It is not in the things themself...things can be replaced..a pot is a pot is a pot.
The gold is the essence of lives touched, hearts given, in laughter, in tears, in friendship, in enimity. The gold is in the love of life, and to get there, just love.
Back to packing....later.
Tuesday, August 31, 2004
Tuesday NIght~~ Last Supper...
I have wiggled back and forth on packing the kitchen..but, tonight was the last supper..and i am packing it up.
Chicken cutlets, like my mom made...boneless breasts of chicken, pounded thin with a mallet, then dipped in flour, egg/parmesan cheese/milk/garlic/pepper,then fine breadcrumbs with parsley...Fried quick, in olive oil, til both sides are crispy, golden, fragrant, melt on your tongue, tickle in your belly good. Side dish of fettachine alfredo..(secret recipe...lol) and a salad jeweled with fresh tomatos and basil from the garden.
The phone rang while i was cooking...Matt...honorary son #3...and he heard the tears in my voice...who could help it, cooking the last supper, listening to Andrea Bocceli singing Sogno? Ten minutes later he was over, with his big brother Daniel, honorary son #4...I love them both, and have watched them grow from wild wee things to the giant wild men they are today...Crazy, what i have seen temper them is the women they love...we tend to gentley guide our men., with our hands cupping...well, you get the picture.
To boot, cramps like an elephant on my belly, but, can't stop now....I WILL get it all done....
Found out today that the writing site i first was published on accepted another poem...YiPPIE!! Only problem is, i forgot what I wrote...but, the title is "Lick"
Scary, eh? It comes out in September, so, we shall see if i have to blush and hide, or if it is a more metaphoric "lick"...
God must get dizzy, as i sweep between the earthly and celestrial...or, at the very least, shake His head., at his child...
Back to work...later...
I have wiggled back and forth on packing the kitchen..but, tonight was the last supper..and i am packing it up.
Chicken cutlets, like my mom made...boneless breasts of chicken, pounded thin with a mallet, then dipped in flour, egg/parmesan cheese/milk/garlic/pepper,then fine breadcrumbs with parsley...Fried quick, in olive oil, til both sides are crispy, golden, fragrant, melt on your tongue, tickle in your belly good. Side dish of fettachine alfredo..(secret recipe...lol) and a salad jeweled with fresh tomatos and basil from the garden.
The phone rang while i was cooking...Matt...honorary son #3...and he heard the tears in my voice...who could help it, cooking the last supper, listening to Andrea Bocceli singing Sogno? Ten minutes later he was over, with his big brother Daniel, honorary son #4...I love them both, and have watched them grow from wild wee things to the giant wild men they are today...Crazy, what i have seen temper them is the women they love...we tend to gentley guide our men., with our hands cupping...well, you get the picture.
To boot, cramps like an elephant on my belly, but, can't stop now....I WILL get it all done....
Found out today that the writing site i first was published on accepted another poem...YiPPIE!! Only problem is, i forgot what I wrote...but, the title is "Lick"
Scary, eh? It comes out in September, so, we shall see if i have to blush and hide, or if it is a more metaphoric "lick"...
God must get dizzy, as i sweep between the earthly and celestrial...or, at the very least, shake His head., at his child...
Back to work...later...
Monday, August 30, 2004
Monday Night...And so.~~
J. has decided not to move with me to Maryland. He will come for the trip, to see me there..and then, go back, and live in the hovel he will call home, on his own. Now, that was unfair, and cruel. It isn't a hovel...it is...just not, ...a home that has his mother in it. It will be good for his selfish little heart, i hope. I pinned so much on this move to straighen him out, to school him, to give him a fresh start. And the little twirp goes and decides to strike out on his own, and pursue his dream.
Well, i for one know he is ill eqiupped for the journey. This is the kid that went camping two months ago without a toothbrush, or even a blanket. My God, how will he survive?
Survive he will, or, come home to me, with a greater appreciation of what is given to him, what needs to be earned, and what just is.
Let go, Lisa. You started this ball rolling...let it roll. T. just told me that until the divorce is absoleutely final for K., she can't move in. He has already got a new roommate to cover the costs...while the two of them wait it out.
Let it roll, Lisa, let it roll.
I still see the destiny here, the Grand Plan. I am just gritting my teeth, all the harder. Later.
J. has decided not to move with me to Maryland. He will come for the trip, to see me there..and then, go back, and live in the hovel he will call home, on his own. Now, that was unfair, and cruel. It isn't a hovel...it is...just not, ...a home that has his mother in it. It will be good for his selfish little heart, i hope. I pinned so much on this move to straighen him out, to school him, to give him a fresh start. And the little twirp goes and decides to strike out on his own, and pursue his dream.
Well, i for one know he is ill eqiupped for the journey. This is the kid that went camping two months ago without a toothbrush, or even a blanket. My God, how will he survive?
Survive he will, or, come home to me, with a greater appreciation of what is given to him, what needs to be earned, and what just is.
Let go, Lisa. You started this ball rolling...let it roll. T. just told me that until the divorce is absoleutely final for K., she can't move in. He has already got a new roommate to cover the costs...while the two of them wait it out.
Let it roll, Lisa, let it roll.
I still see the destiny here, the Grand Plan. I am just gritting my teeth, all the harder. Later.
Monday Night....Goodbye Eyes
I am home, and i see everything with Goodbye Eyes. Goodbye eyes...a sheen of tears, and a pull of heart...all is coloured with this peculiar tint...The giant Chicken, along highway 15, on my way home from Canada...advertising "farmfresh Eggs, Buy them Here!" The stretches of farmland, raped and spreadlegged, proclaiming possession with names like "DeerRun" and Countrywide Estates"...The fake storefronts, eluding to an earlier time, with porches, and odd shaped windows, to seduce us with trust, while their billion dollar owners live elsewhere, in luxury, laughing at us overeager, dim whitted, American comsumers...
And my goodbye eyes march forward...till i see my white picket fence, the grass a bit too long, and my boys walk out to meet me..
I almost didn't come home. I almost stayed in Canada, with Rikk"s mom and dad., and his son, and him. They are a family, and they love me. They saw me in the morning, fuzzy haired and naked faced, and loved me. Clue,here..that's all i ever wanted...a family, mom and dad, and kids, and cousins and brothers and sisters...In a terrible way, if it doesnt work out for Rikk and i , i will mourn them more.
I love his eyes, and the way he solidly is my friend and lover..and I am wishful, fearful, because i emote more then he does.....I am fearful because the core of me is used to being alone...and, as much as i love him, i will do fine without him...And, the dollop on that funeral cake is...He is so talented, so special, that, he can do without me. It is a cosmic crap shoot...what will be, will be.
All i know is my destiny is pulling me forward..and, as i faltered through the emotional pull to stay in canada, a redbird sang on the telephone wire, willing me to my path...and as i drove the lonely miles on the empty 402 West., another one dive bombed my car...swirling red telling me to keep on....and, so i will...Later.
s
I am home, and i see everything with Goodbye Eyes. Goodbye eyes...a sheen of tears, and a pull of heart...all is coloured with this peculiar tint...The giant Chicken, along highway 15, on my way home from Canada...advertising "farmfresh Eggs, Buy them Here!" The stretches of farmland, raped and spreadlegged, proclaiming possession with names like "DeerRun" and Countrywide Estates"...The fake storefronts, eluding to an earlier time, with porches, and odd shaped windows, to seduce us with trust, while their billion dollar owners live elsewhere, in luxury, laughing at us overeager, dim whitted, American comsumers...
And my goodbye eyes march forward...till i see my white picket fence, the grass a bit too long, and my boys walk out to meet me..
I almost didn't come home. I almost stayed in Canada, with Rikk"s mom and dad., and his son, and him. They are a family, and they love me. They saw me in the morning, fuzzy haired and naked faced, and loved me. Clue,here..that's all i ever wanted...a family, mom and dad, and kids, and cousins and brothers and sisters...In a terrible way, if it doesnt work out for Rikk and i , i will mourn them more.
I love his eyes, and the way he solidly is my friend and lover..and I am wishful, fearful, because i emote more then he does.....I am fearful because the core of me is used to being alone...and, as much as i love him, i will do fine without him...And, the dollop on that funeral cake is...He is so talented, so special, that, he can do without me. It is a cosmic crap shoot...what will be, will be.
All i know is my destiny is pulling me forward..and, as i faltered through the emotional pull to stay in canada, a redbird sang on the telephone wire, willing me to my path...and as i drove the lonely miles on the empty 402 West., another one dive bombed my car...swirling red telling me to keep on....and, so i will...Later.
s
Saturday, August 28, 2004
Thursday, August 26, 2004
Thursday night~~
When i die, i want them to dress me in black stockings and high heels. I love my legs, even though i had nothing to do with their shape, or length, or curvature. I love them most in a shimmer of black silk, with just a hint of pink skin, winking through. I look down at them, and i see taut muscles, and exploratory curves, ready to walk for miles, and grasp tightly at what is there.
When will i wear black stockings again? This was absoleutely, positively, my last day in sales. It's overalls and tshirts for me, from this day forward....
Hmmnnn...i don"t believe that, do you? wink, wink....
Back to packing....my new life awaits me....later.
When i die, i want them to dress me in black stockings and high heels. I love my legs, even though i had nothing to do with their shape, or length, or curvature. I love them most in a shimmer of black silk, with just a hint of pink skin, winking through. I look down at them, and i see taut muscles, and exploratory curves, ready to walk for miles, and grasp tightly at what is there.
When will i wear black stockings again? This was absoleutely, positively, my last day in sales. It's overalls and tshirts for me, from this day forward....
Hmmnnn...i don"t believe that, do you? wink, wink....
Back to packing....my new life awaits me....later.
Thurday Morning~~
Five hours sleep is just not enough anymore..Woken by J., fighting with his girlfriend sometime after 12AM..Everyone's emotions are running high right now, and i just want to muzzle the lot of them. I sat out in the dark on the front porch swing, listening to the crickets and cicadas, mourning the loss of harmony,AND the loss of sleep.
I am not going to dinner tonight with my old friend..He is my ex-husbands best friend, i don't like the feeling i get in my stomach about his motives. If it is purely to say goodbye, as he says, well, he can come over the house and say goodbye as i pack..i have no time now for superficiality or games. My ex? He has some terrible bridges to rebuild with his children..It took me years to stop taking care of him, stop protecting him, all the while being a "good little wife". If he wants to see them, he can damn well figure out how to do it himself. If they want to see Him, they can damn well figure how to see him, too. I am out of it.
J. told me in the middle of the night that he wants to stay here and pursue his music. He can live with one of the bandmember's and his mom. (This was the Plan 2 i secretly worked out in july with the mom)He says he will finish his education, get a job he can walk to, and save money for his own car. He says that his band is his dream, and he has to follow that dream. He is 18 now...i can't drag him by his hair to maryland. I am moving his furniture anyway. He asked for his bed, but I said no. He can have the old queen set in the garage, and i will get him a new mattress pad. He has to make his own bed, now.
Things change from day to day anyway. He wants to make the trip to maryland, stay a month, and then return to michigan. Perhaps he will fall in love with the beach, and Ocean City, mecca for young people and music.
If i have learned anything, i have finally learned that now matter how you much you love, protect, and sacrifice, you can't make those you love follow any path but their own. Sigh. Later.
Five hours sleep is just not enough anymore..Woken by J., fighting with his girlfriend sometime after 12AM..Everyone's emotions are running high right now, and i just want to muzzle the lot of them. I sat out in the dark on the front porch swing, listening to the crickets and cicadas, mourning the loss of harmony,AND the loss of sleep.
I am not going to dinner tonight with my old friend..He is my ex-husbands best friend, i don't like the feeling i get in my stomach about his motives. If it is purely to say goodbye, as he says, well, he can come over the house and say goodbye as i pack..i have no time now for superficiality or games. My ex? He has some terrible bridges to rebuild with his children..It took me years to stop taking care of him, stop protecting him, all the while being a "good little wife". If he wants to see them, he can damn well figure out how to do it himself. If they want to see Him, they can damn well figure how to see him, too. I am out of it.
J. told me in the middle of the night that he wants to stay here and pursue his music. He can live with one of the bandmember's and his mom. (This was the Plan 2 i secretly worked out in july with the mom)He says he will finish his education, get a job he can walk to, and save money for his own car. He says that his band is his dream, and he has to follow that dream. He is 18 now...i can't drag him by his hair to maryland. I am moving his furniture anyway. He asked for his bed, but I said no. He can have the old queen set in the garage, and i will get him a new mattress pad. He has to make his own bed, now.
Things change from day to day anyway. He wants to make the trip to maryland, stay a month, and then return to michigan. Perhaps he will fall in love with the beach, and Ocean City, mecca for young people and music.
If i have learned anything, i have finally learned that now matter how you much you love, protect, and sacrifice, you can't make those you love follow any path but their own. Sigh. Later.
Wednesday, August 25, 2004
Wednesday, 11pm~~
What a full and glorious day!! This mermaid can hardly keep her head about the waves right now, though. Could it be possible that in 8 days i will be loading the truck, and on my way???
I am NOT ready, nope, not ready at all. I have decided to go from organized, master list and lettered boxes to full fledged panic mode....everything that can go in a box is GOING in...full speed ahead, just get it done......
Why oh why did i say i would work tomorrow? It's going to be a looong day, and i have been invited to dinner by an old friend after work..
I am getting tired just thinking about it all....Ah tomorrow, tomorrow...Thank God for another day....Later..
What a full and glorious day!! This mermaid can hardly keep her head about the waves right now, though. Could it be possible that in 8 days i will be loading the truck, and on my way???
I am NOT ready, nope, not ready at all. I have decided to go from organized, master list and lettered boxes to full fledged panic mode....everything that can go in a box is GOING in...full speed ahead, just get it done......
Why oh why did i say i would work tomorrow? It's going to be a looong day, and i have been invited to dinner by an old friend after work..
I am getting tired just thinking about it all....Ah tomorrow, tomorrow...Thank God for another day....Later..
Tuesday, August 24, 2004
Tuesday Morning~~
Ok, the procastination stops today. I am finally going to have the damn garage sale. Where did i GET all this stuff? I know i am going to be a pushover, too. Fifty cents? IT'S YOURS!!!
Lots of laundry to do, too, and banking...Got up in the attic last night, and was startled by the 6 Foot Glow in the Dark Skeleton, that one of my sweet boys hung in the rafters...got lost in the box of their first teddybears and toys.I like attics..somehow, they seem much more benevolent, kinder, then basements.
I am glad i didn't get all dramatic leaving work...My ex-boss called yesterday, sweet as sugur, and asked if I would fill on on thursday...ARRRRGHHHH!!!And i thought it was all over..Oh, well ..it will be gas money for the trip to maryland.
I am boring myself this morning, and that's not a good sign, half my mind on writing, half in how-am-i-gonna-do-it-all mode...So, adios for now, time to tackle those chores...
Ok, the procastination stops today. I am finally going to have the damn garage sale. Where did i GET all this stuff? I know i am going to be a pushover, too. Fifty cents? IT'S YOURS!!!
Lots of laundry to do, too, and banking...Got up in the attic last night, and was startled by the 6 Foot Glow in the Dark Skeleton, that one of my sweet boys hung in the rafters...got lost in the box of their first teddybears and toys.I like attics..somehow, they seem much more benevolent, kinder, then basements.
I am glad i didn't get all dramatic leaving work...My ex-boss called yesterday, sweet as sugur, and asked if I would fill on on thursday...ARRRRGHHHH!!!And i thought it was all over..Oh, well ..it will be gas money for the trip to maryland.
I am boring myself this morning, and that's not a good sign, half my mind on writing, half in how-am-i-gonna-do-it-all mode...So, adios for now, time to tackle those chores...
Monday, August 23, 2004
Monday~~
I have to blog in parts today, because so much is happening....J. got a phone call, a record producer wants to meet with his band. He says he doesn't want to move, he needs to be with them, because this could be IT. I say, SCREW the record producer, because he is probably a pediophile(is that the right spelling?)I think it is his last ditch effort to stay in michigan, with all that's familiar...
It's okay, though, because i have become quite adept at surfing the J. waves, and, if it is with my last breath, i WILL direct him to the right path. After i have exhausted all my ingenuity, my strength, my force, THEN i will let him go. Sounds horrible, eh? Like an overprotective, blinkered eyed momma.....Guess i am, but, who is to say how many foolish children have been saved by their momma's devotion?
Later...
I have to blog in parts today, because so much is happening....J. got a phone call, a record producer wants to meet with his band. He says he doesn't want to move, he needs to be with them, because this could be IT. I say, SCREW the record producer, because he is probably a pediophile(is that the right spelling?)I think it is his last ditch effort to stay in michigan, with all that's familiar...
It's okay, though, because i have become quite adept at surfing the J. waves, and, if it is with my last breath, i WILL direct him to the right path. After i have exhausted all my ingenuity, my strength, my force, THEN i will let him go. Sounds horrible, eh? Like an overprotective, blinkered eyed momma.....Guess i am, but, who is to say how many foolish children have been saved by their momma's devotion?
Later...
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