THURSDAY NITE~~
Drinking water from my crystal glass...with a lovely glass of Fortissimo on the side. I have decided today, without seeing the house, that i am moving to Maryland. I have been anxious that i can't afford it, but, i am letting the fear go. I trust my sister and brother-in-law. All will be well and as it should be. I packed my first box! I felt a tightening in my stomach as i packed, and my ears were perked up, like a horse ready for a ride. I surprised myself...who was that organized lady who listed each item on a legal pad, then typed 2 copies, (one for a master list/one taped to the box) to facilitate the move? It was ME! Justin started to mutter little panic stricken mumbles when he saw me pack,about not going. I told him he would be 18 in 2 months, it was his choice....but, if i was in his shoes, i'd go. And, in scarlet's famous line, "frankly, my dear, i don't give a damn"...i didn't say it, but that is what i was thinking....it's time for an adventure, for new people and places, time to leave a home and make a home....time for sand and sea and sky.
I have 2 big boxes for the garage sale that is postponed...but, at least i will be ready when it happens. The mortgage guy called again...am 98% sure of the refinance now...with an interest rate lowered over 4%. Looks like all is pointing at me moving between Sept 1st and the 15th...As far as the trip next week, well, i am still praying....taxes due on june 14th...maybe a greyhound? ride the dog? that should be cheap...i will check into it tomorrow...Tomorrow? did i say tomorrow? ah, the beauty of hope, of tomorrows, of trying until you get it right. later....

Thursday Morning~~
Bleary eyed and wildhaired this morning..I stayed up reading half the night, lulled by the sound of the rain outside my window. Sometimes i just have to read all night...the house breathes in slower rhythmn, and so do i. And today? No garage sale for me. Still raining, and cool, and gray. Perhaps a blessing in disguise, because it will force me inside the house, to clean and organise and start packing.Good news on the refinance yesterday...I am 90% there. I have been juggling finances so often and for so long,sigh. I am amazed at my resourcefulness., my calm and daring under fire, lol. I just hope i can juggle high and fast enough to go to maryland next week....so, with that thought in mind, time to pay bills and see what's left in the cookie jar.....later

Wednesday Morning~~
Yesterday was such a hellish day. Someone is always in the hotseat at work, and it was my turn yesterday. It is so poisenous there. Why can't i learn to brown-nose like everyone else? With my face, it's impossible. Every emotion shows through.Customer service problem again..My 84 year old sickly lady hated her adjustable bed and wanted to return it. I knew for 2 weeks that it was a bomb ready to go off..brought it to their attention, but no one would address it. The boss ranted and raved, saying he wouldn't take it back without a 200 dollar charge, then he wasn't taking it back at all, ect. I called her and told her we would take it back, and i would personally pay the 200 charge. That was when he REALLY hit the roof...because he didn't want to take it back at all. Horrible. The profit could be made up by my loss of comission and the 200 dollars,and selling the base at least as a floor model. Instead, he is going to give a sweet old lady a stroke. I was so upset i went and got my check, ready to walk. I sat at my desk, tears of rage gathering in my eyes,trying to will my legs from walking. As i sat there, the boss held meetings with Debbie, then his son, then Pat, about me. He held them in his office, way at the other end of the store, so at least i was alone. I kept convincing myself of all the reasons to stay, while my heart said GO!! For once, my head ruled, and i will stay there until i accomplish my goals. Then home to a screwed up computer, what a day..!Now it's time to go back, one more day of hell before my two days off. Oh well, i can do it. Later...

Wednesday Morning~~
I am so tired now...but VICTORIOUS!! any second the rotten modem might kick out, but, i managed to teach myself audioblog, and at least get on for a bit. So sorry, Diva, the damn computer kicked out as we were talking...It might go out for good, at least until they send the new modem 5 days from now....but, i will keep trying....
Off to bed., its so very late, and i am so very stressed, and my room will be dark and hot. I sleep so quickly, so soundly, that this past week of tossing and waking and sweating has me cranky and off kilter. But, if you read this blog regularly, you know my motto..."Tomorrow, always tomorrow"" curling up to sleep, now.....later

Tuesday Morning~~
I am ready to go to work, all jazzed up in pink and pearls and black leather pumps. It happened again with the redbird. I was watering in the backyard, idly watching the spray of water, thinking about my earlier post, when i heard that distinctive bird voice"pretty, pretty, pretty" I called out to the green of the trees "I hear you, you are so beautiful" And there he was. He flew out of the trees, landing on a telephone wire not three feet from me. He looked at me, sang again, and looked some more.I was spellbound. He flew off, and i was left with an eerie feeling. What is he trying to tell me?

Tuesday Morning~~
Why am i a mermaid? The summer i turned 11, my family lived in a split ranch in northern new jersey. Our backyard was framed by woods, and a huge willow tree. But the best part was our pool, 5 foot deep, above ground, with a ladder and pump. I would wake up in the morning, early, before anyone else, put on my bathing suit and swim. Not on the surface, but under the water, gliding and turning, with my hair flowing behind me. I taught myself to breathe deep and hold it, counting the seconds,trying to turn into a mermaid. The bottom of the pool wasn't blue vinyl, but sand. My companions were starfish and seahorses, and i searched clams for the perfect pearl. I was safe under the water, no pain, no fear, no illness. Topside, in the footed world, life wasn't so sweet. My father was dying of cancer,and my oldest sister's room had been transformed into his dying place. To enter that room...the smell of disinfectant, of sadness, of life leaking out, one breath at a time...I would curl up next to him, carefully, because he hurt so much, and he would whisper that he loved me.He told me to be a brave girl, and that everything would be alright. But it wasn't alright.He died one month later. So i let go of Lisa, and became a mermaid.The time that followed? That's another story.....

Monday Night~~
As i write this, my newest k-mart dumpster kitty is curled into a tiny orange ball on the ottoman under the computer desk. He is still nameless, because our cats choose their own names as their personalities unfold. He nibbles at my toes, still in my brown tights from work, and tucks himself into the curve of my instep.Perhaps he will grow up with a foot fetish? Coconut, my huge white kitty, still sleeps best in the waves of my hair spread against the pillow.Perhaps little orange will be at my toes.
It's time to tell why i am a Mermaid in the currents...oh dear., i am getting so interrupted...let me publish this., and maybe in a few minutes i can come back...sigh

Monday Morning~~
I feel like playing hookie from work so bad that i can taste the words on my lips-"Sorry, not coming in today, the sun is shining and i want to be free" Not going to happen. I haven't called in sick since i was 18 years old. And that was because i had to sleep sometime!Just took a happy walk in my backyard..A happy walk is barefoot, naked under a cotton robe,with my coffee in my hand. I know my neighbors think i am eccentric, but i just don't care. The sunflowers are popping up! What a sight they will be, a whole family of them, yellow and red and brown, short and tall and in between, smiling at all who walk by. The spinach by the backdoor is sprouting, too, and the tomatoes and peppers have their first flowers.
Thanks to the anonymous poster, whoever you are...i enjoyed your insight-and it gave me quite the authoresque tingle.There is so much i want to write about, i can barely contain it all. Sometimes my brain feels like a jewelry box. I look inside and there are necklaces twisted together, and lone pins and sparkles of stones, pieces i have forgotten i have, and broken bits that i can't bear to throw out.What to choose? What to discard? What feels like it wants out of the box? Lately only my pearls will do. They ground me as i feel them against my neck, they comfort me when i lift them to my lips.Tiny moons on a string, beauty nestled deep from the sea. I have to go.....Time to shower, time to change from barefoot to heels, time to bind back my hair.....

Sunday Morning~~
I have been up since 6am, drinking coffee, browsing the web, while my mind races towards what i need to accomplish this day, this week, this month, and beyond. Yikes! It's like i never sit still.
The yard looks wonderful. The grass is thick and green, tidy and well kept. Flowers everywhere, pinks and purples and a rainbow of zinnias. Moonbeam white petunias, cool and fullfaced, take the edge off the riot of color and texture. Now it's time for the inside. First, garage sale this friday. What to keep, what to sell, what to morph into something unique and different? Money realized from the sale towards painting the ceilings and walls. A soft, creamy white...everywhere, with pale yellow in the kitchen.
Had a difficult conversation with Rikk on the phone last night. It is so much easier for me to communicate with women then with men. Sometimes i feel like pulling out a translation dictionary, because i just don't understand what he is trying to say. I end up trying to ferret out the REAL meaning,( whether there is one or not). It is probably the difference in our personalities. I wear my heart on my sleeve, his is tucked deep in his pocket. It's a challenge for me to stay present, and not withdraw, when i sense i feel stronger about us then he does. When i think i am going to get hurt, i assume the airplane crash position,tucked into a crouch, vital organs protected, head down. Perhaps it would be better to just strap on a parachute and get ready to skyfly then crash and burn...At least that way, you get the beauty of the flight. Later...

Saturday Morning~~~
I slept deep,and entered that secret world of dreams where all rules of reality are broken. I was in my house, though it didn't look like my house. I walked to the window, and examined the white curtains. They were bulky and didn't fit the window frame, and i ran my hand along the wall. Embedded under the flowered wallpaper i found an intentation of the original curtain rod.It excited me, and i planned on tearing off the wallpaper to get to the original...I disolved into a field, where a little darkhaired girl waved to me excitedly. Her father was a movie producer,filming an empty ballfield behind a metal fence. I helped her pick a bouquet of wildflowers,beautiful daisies and tiny buttercups and a large,tuliplike blossom. I handed them to her, and she ran to offer them to her father, bursting with happiness.....I dissolved again, this time to another house. Again it belonged to me, and i looked at it with a restless eye. The basement stair was unsafe, hanging by one nail. Could i fix it? A group of people entered the house, and one fixed the stair instantly. We were a test group,each given specific tasks to accomplish as part of our mission. I was told what to do, but i couldn't hear. "What?" i said. Two more times i asked.The person handling out the tasks looked at me and shook her head in disgust. I felt my being raise up in anger, and i gave her a tongue lashing that made everyone become silent. She apologized, and gave me my assignment. I knew she didn't expect the lion to emerge from my meek demeanor previously, and my tasks were amended.Dissolved again....and i was out performing my tasks..They were physical, mental and emotional. I was crafty like a fox, alone,and determined. The few of us that passed to the finals were given a final task. We had to sit, eyes closed, and have a personal encounter with the animals chosen that best fit our talents and personalities. I was frightened...would i open my eyes to a snake, a tiger, a lion? When i opened my eyes,nestled against my legs were a collection of small woodland creatures..rabbits and groundhogs and a beaver. I sat still, and they somehow nourished themselves against me. My eyes closed again, and when i opened them, i felt peaceful and powerful. The woodland creatures were gone,and my white cat was in their place. I woke up for real then, hot and covered in a sheen of sweat, like i had been running. Crazy dream, eh? Later......

Friday Night~~
Just home an hour or so ago from my little trip to canada. I almost didn't come back, sigh. I love it so much there...To tired to write much, it's a three hour drive each way...but, alot to write about...Most importantly, Rikk got a new mural to paint!! I am so happy for him....I am going to crawl into bed...i need time to think, to dream, to be alone with my heart. Later........

Wednesday Nite~~
Came home to a dirty house, sigh. If only they would realize how happy it makes me to finish my work week without having to start my home-week., cleaning. I don't mind a bit of a mess., but, jeesh. Do the dishes! Clean up! I can't do it all.
Work was as i expected. I wish i just could put my feet up, and take it easy. Not going to happen. Might as well get to work. I feel too discouraged to write. Well, maybe later....and there is always tomorrow, right?

Wednesday Morning~~
I am curious. Does anyone read this blog? There is a little comment box if you scroll down to the end of the page. Click on it, and let me know. I don't care if you even leave a name. Just curious..
Today will be a day of ordering, cleaning up, admin. work after yesterdays nonstop action. No one is there but Pat, Deb and I. A peaceful break, i hope..And then tonight, ah, tonight., starts my weekend. If all goes well i will brave the streets of downtown Detroit and try to get to canada by public transportation..OOPS gotta run...work calls

Tuesday Night~~
What a difference a day makes! I DID WIN!!! Ah, the evil that lurks within the hearts of men....Garry had hidden a cancelation..told the customer to think about it for another day or so...It was the sale that put him over the edge and made him win. The customer called this morning, on Garry's day off., and the owner just happened to be standing there when i took the call. He was furious, thought it was sneaky and underhanded of Garry, and declared me best salesperson.
Then I had two referral customers, relatives of people i had taken care of in the past, and by the time the day was done, i had done almost 7,000. in sales. Yippee! salespeople are superstitious, and to have that kind of a record sales day on the first of the month is considered very good luck. I thought young Pat would have a stroke..Dethroned and royally beaten in one fell swoop.All i could think of was...now i can take care of my family better...
Then i got home, exhausted but exhilerated, and recieved the credit card i had applied for in the mail. With all my credit problems the last 4 years, this was a major miracle. Yippie again!
Then Todd told me he found a new job, and starts tomorrow...and THEN...Rikk told me he got a call about a job, too...
I have been praying for those i love nonstop. I never expect God to answer the way i want, just the way He feels is best. But, sometimes i guess my prayers collide with His, and a day like this happens. all i can say is YIPPPPPPIE!!
Time for bed...I am not even going to eat..too tired, and feeling achy all over....Later...Ps. thank you, God.

Tues Morning~~
This will be one of the fastest blogs i have ever done. 5 minutes to spare before running out the door for work. OMIGOD...forgot to put my makeup on!!! gotta go.........

Monday Afternoon~~
Well, i lost. Technically, that is. I beat Pat, which was my main objective. I wanted to topple him from his unbeatable stand, best salesman for 10 months. I knew his rein would be shaky, once the playing field was leveled. He has finagled, fibbed, and and flaunted the rules Garry and I have gone by for months. The boss cracked down on him hard, and it is showing in his sales.
Garry beat me by 350.00 dollars. It wasn't too hard to swallow, because i know he did it fairly. Still, the competitve streak is pulsing within me. I wanted to win! I shook hands and played nice, just like a good girl.
I am going to go outside and plant sunflowers. Mammoth Russian, Halo, Evening Sun, and Teddy bear. One big, flamboyant garden dedicated to my last hurrah here in Michigan.
Tomorrow starts a new month. I plan to beat them ALL by 5,000 dollars at the very least. Later.

Memorial Day Morning~~
To so many americans, memorial day just means the official opening day of summer. i don't think we have the national patriotism that lets us really reflect on the memory of those who served to keep us free. Money always seems to get in the way...Memorial Day sales everywhere. We would be better served to close EVERYTHING. Give people time off to reflect, to pray, to really remember, instead of it being one more bullshit day of commercialism. I'm anxious about terrorist attacks today, too. What better day to strike? Since 911, holidays always bring to mind that terrible day, when i coulndt reach my sister or aunt in Manhattan, when the skies over detroit were eerily quiet with grounded planes, and i lost my innocence about homeland security.
And i, a foot-dragging part of the american machinery, have to work today. I am only fifty dollars away from victory as top salesperson, but it doesnt seem to mean so much anymore. Today, in my heart, as i am on the public stage, i will remember those that have died to keep me free, and pray for peace. Not peace to propagate the american way, but peace for all. We are one big sandbox of children, scrabbling for the best place to sit and the best toy. I suppose i have the naivity of a child myself. Why can't we all just share?
off to work i go.....

Sunday Morning~
Redbird!Alone on a phone wire,staring directly at me. I felt him before i saw him,and we looked in each other's eyes a full minute before he flew away. Cardinals are my mother's signal to me. Lately i keep running into Lilies of the Valley, too, her favorite flower...a tiny teacup at a garage sale,a vase at the discount store,a delicately etched sugur/creamer set. What is she trying to tell me? Just her presence is enough, but this time it's something more. Tonight, i am going to make a campfire in the yard, stay still and look into the flames, and hope for an answer...
The walk in the yard, the trimming and planting refreshed me. Time for a shower, and work.....

Sunday Morning~~
Woke up this morning achy and sore and tired. Not good! No choice but to go with the flow, anyway. Two days left of sales. It was my Saturday to get off early yesterday, and I took it. It was a dangerous thing to do, with the race for top salesman so close. I left it in God's hands and came home to work in the yard and be with the kids. T. babysat his girlfriend's little ones last night. I couldn't resist going to the store and buying a huge red ball for Leticia, and a toddler ball and bat for Diego.Couldn't resist buying them cookies and juice and snacks, either.That was the sum of my involvement, though. I let T. follow his path, and play daddy. I heard Diego crying at one point, and just smiled. Todd would come up and get me if he needed help. To his credit, he didn't.
All and all, a peaceful night, dedicated to making the house neat and pretty, and enjoying my family in the process.
It's the perfect day to lay in bed and dream. Oh well, might as well make the most of it. Outside to look at my flowers, and then on to work i go. later.

Saturday Morning~~
It's goregeous outside, one of those crystal clear days, when everything seems in sharper focus,brighter.I am listening to Clannad,a celtic group. I don't want to go back to work today. I don't want to look at any of their faces,I don't want to hear any of their voices, and i don't want to be on the selling stage. This is a bad attitude, and it's going to take alot of prayer to change the way i am feeling. Suddenly, i am reminded of one of my many past jobs. I was 28,living in Florida. Todd was a baby, and i got a job in a fancy bar down near the racetrack.The bartenders there made a ton of money, but there was a catch. We were all attractive women, and the uniform was a tiny little bikini that i could hold in one hand. I hated it! I hated having to flirt for my money, and especially hated bending over, because everytime i did, something threatened to fall out. I would drag myself to work, getting in at the last possible second,and fly out the door at the earliest moment. I lasted 5 days., even though i really needed the money, and had no other job lined up. Maybe the lesson there was to follow my heart, to not be afraid, because something better will come up. It's harder now, because experience makes me more cautious about throwing things to the wind. I am still going to, though....only this time, i will have a backup. Into the shower i go, to wash away my negativity, and whisper affirmations under the warmth of the water...later.

Friday Night~~
i am wearing my favorite nightgown, barest of pink from endless washings, with 20 little seed pearls sown into the bodice. Rikk's heavy white robe is sashed around my waist, to warm me against the chill spring air and to feel him close.
The asian fish recipe never had a chance. My neighbor, Barb, has been begged me for some stuffed cabbage, ever since i brought her some last winter. They are so good and kind to me, that, it was time to return the favor. Besides, i LOVE to feed people. I made mine special, without the rice, to stick to my diet., but, the mashed potatoes lured me in with their wicked creamyness, and seduced me with their taste.
Oh, well...i wanted to be a nun once, too...but i bet i would have broken THOSE vows, too. Now my belly is full, and if i was a cat I'd be purring. It's okay, i am seeing this more as a lifestyle, not a diet., and i will be damned if i give up mashed potatoes forever.
The boys ate, and left...J. is going camping, T. is going gallivanting.I am content in my clean, quiet house, with just the birds quietly saying goodnight to the day, and my water in my favorite crystal goblet.I am going to grab the kitten and go snuggle up....a long, peaceful sleep, because tomorrow, well tomorrow, who knows? Later.

Friday, early evening~~
No one is home! i feel like whispering, at the very least, blogging naked, if i was truly bold. The sun has returned, glorious, slipped in between my heart like a crafty lover. I didn't see it coming, because i did clean and scrub and meditate. Meditating while having one's bum high in the air, scrubbing floors, might be unorthodox, but, it sure is time efficient. I thought about what i wanted to write about, and instead i just let myself dream...I saw Todd teaching, with little ones around him, all tall gangly arms and legs askimbo,a briefcase in his hand. I saw Justin with a doorag on his head, fingers intent on his guitar strings, with the desert behind him. I saw Rikk, paintspattered overalls and 50's doowop blaring, as he made history come to life on an old brick wall.Were these prayers? Were these visions? Probably both. I do know to dream is to breathe into existence...and with that thought, i will dream for all those that i love.,that they achieve more than their most secret, wildest desires.
Me? i cannot get past walking on the beach. I can feel the grit of the sand, i can hear the surf, i smell the sharp salt. I feel like a seed, just realizing i am awake, not yet pushing my way through the earth. I just know that i am headed up.
Later....

Friday Morning~~
YEAHHHH a day off...The skies are sullen,toxic gray, but i don't care. My house is filthy, from 4 days of minimal housekeeping, but i don't care. I will scrub and shine and use it as a meditation..a mental springboard to write with. I wanted to go to canada for the day, but it's just too complicated to do without a good car, just for the day. Better to go next week, with 2 days to do it.
Going to shop for a nice fresh fish for dinner. I am going to put slivers of ginger and garlic and scallion into the flesh, then marinate it in soy and wine. At least, that's the plan at 8:30 am!
I will be back.....later

Thursday Night~~
Writing really fast here, chores and kids and cats on my heels. WHAT a day from HELL...lololol...New policies, new procedures., repulsive place to work. I kept it together, didn't walk out like all my nerve endings told me to....got to stick to the plan....
Even if i can't write another word tonight, i am happy. I got a little bit in...Still in the lead., wrote about 4,000 today! Later, always later....

Thursday Morning~~
I am amazed that i have taken pen in hand over 70 times. I wonder who reads this, i wonder what secrets i reveal. i wonder why i do it, and i have no clear answers.
I frenchbraided my hair for work today, something i haven't done in a long time. I think it means business, lol. None of my curling locks to interfere now that i am in the final stages of the race for best salesperson. Inside track...Debbie just called me and gave me the latest numbers...i am ahead by 2,000 dollars...This is so close i can feel the tingle.
I am amazed how much better i look and feel with some of the extra pounds off. yipeeeeee!!!!!!!!! Not gonna stop until i am in my skinny clothes again.
I guess amazed is my word for the day...I think it is because i woke up with a sense of excitement...what challenges will the day bring? what beauty will my eyes find? I am going outside to look at my poppies and irises...to drink in the emerald green of the grass, and look for flowers on the tomatoes....to feel the sun on my face, if just for a moment...Then, off to the races! later.........

Wednesday Night~~
This is usually the start of my weekend, but, because i had last Sunday off., i work one more day. I gave this day to God, letting go of any anxious thoughts of my sales, my life. I gave up my daily calculations and assessments, and just let God do the driving. I wish i could do it everyday, but i guess i am not spiritually advanced enough. I had amazing sales today, over my quota. Was it because my prayers were answered? Or was it just that i was relaxed enough not to worry about them? Who knows..but, i choose to feel blessed. At the end of the day, Pat's sales came fast and hard, and he beat me. I started to doubt that God was taking care of me, but, i remembered my prayer, that whatever happened was in God's hands., and i let go of it. I found myself happy for him, crazy as it seems, and finished up cheerful and thankful for my own good sales.
The best part of my day? I had alot of lovely little moments, like toes in a warm puddle after the rain, but the best was holding my kitten when i got home.I felt his tawny little fur, and stroked him as he lay against my chest and purred. So tiny, so soft, so happy just for the warmth of my skin and the beating of my heart. I felt myself slip into an exquisite peace, and only put him down to type. We can heal ourselves, if we just take the ingredients we have, and combine them into happiness.
The next time i am raging, or sorrowing, or doubting, i will reread this post, and remember my own wisdom...later...........

Wednesday Morning~~
The sky is painted blue! Amazing how just a color can make me feel so good.My poppies are wide open, orange,smiling up at the sun.When i move, i am taking a bit of my michigan garden with me. Some angelique tulips, and stately yellow emperor tulips, and, and, well, a little bit of all my plant babies, to continue the cycle of where i have been and where i am going.
I should be doing morning chores, but i don't care. They can wait, my writing can't. I can feel my mind honing in on my goals,like a bee to honey. I am tightening my resolve, and figuring out the practicalities of the move while my dreams soar. Central to it all is mornings walking the beach alone, listening to the secrets of the sea,my mantra to life. How could i have been away from it for so long?
I met a rich woman at work yesterday. She came in with a friend,cranky and arrogant, because she had an idea for her guest room that no salesperson seemed to be able to help with. I saw it in her head, i created an option by my own experience and creativity, and made the sale. What most interested me was the offhand way she spent money. I think i would like to live like that! She didnt want delivery until late June, because she was going to Europe on holiday..We started talking about the netherlands, and i felt wistful and a bit jeolous. Soon she was jotting down my travel suggestions, so i hope she likes the red light district and the oldest tavern in amsterdam!
I would have given her Floor's telephone number, but i didn't like the lady enough...oops...not even in the shower yet, and that's one thing i can't do without....later.

Tuesday Night~~
I am going to find a way to write everyday, somehow, someway. I can move something, prioritize something., but, there's got to be a way.
Today work was just one, big, blah,blah, blah....The customer service is changing as the owner pinches his pennies. I don't really know the business ins and outs, but, i do know that you should bend over backwards to please in a retail operation. He's missing that key point. It's whoredom, really. The salespeople work powerfully to convince the client how well we will take care of them, and then, as soon as the money is on the dresser...well, somehow the caring gets misplaced like a spent condom.
During my emotional storms,intwined with the storms outside the window, i found the perfect comfort meal.So here goes, all those sore of heart, and carb deprived...this is too good not to taste.Lisa
s Chicken and Dumplings.
Cook a whole chicken in canned chicken broth(if u don't have your own homemade).Simmer it gently, turning several times, with 2 bay leaves, fresh ground pepper, a large onion, coarsely chopped, two big handfuls of baby carrots, and a good pinch each of kosher salt and thyme. When it is softened and cooked(i let it go 2 hours)Take the chicken out of the pot and cool while u make the dumplings. Put 1 and 1/2 cups of flour in a bowl with 1/2 cup yellow cornmeal, a teaspoon of baking soda, a tablespoon of baking powder and a 1/2 teaspoon of salt. Mix it with your fingers. Add 1/4 cup of fresh chopped parsley,and 1/4 cup fresh basil to dry mix. (use your instinct on how much...you want a nice sprinkle of green).
Now...take the chicken off the bone, and return chicken to pot. Bring broth to boil, and add enough half and half and flour, that has been shaken well in a jar, to broth. Use your judgement, you are looking for a thin to medium consistancy gravy.
Finish the dumplings..mix one cup plus about 3 tablespoons half and half to the dry mix, stirring with a fork until just blended. Drop generous tablespoons of dumpling onto the just boiling broth.(after the first couple, reduce the heat). when they are all in the pot, cover, and cook for NINE minutes, with the lid on. DONT LOOK DONT CHECK ..just trust they will be perfect. After the nine minutes, turn off the heat. Set the table, turn on the simpsons, pour your wine, whatever...because now dinner is ready...in one pot, fragrant, filling, sublime. A peasant meal that kings would ransom. Bon appetite.

Monday Night~
Fatherless Girlchild.
For that's what i was. If you read the pschology books, puberty is pretty much the most dangerous time for a girl to lose her father. Add to the mix a very sensitive, emotional girl-child, with an older sister who is assertive and actively maintaining her place as the established favorite, and you have a lethal mix that can derail all but the strongest of intimate relationships.
I might be strong, i might be independent, yet, when the storms come, i want my daddy. I don't want him away on a business trip, I don't want him unavailable, for any reason. I want him to lean on, to save me, to hold me until the sun returns.
Impossible? yes. Irrational? yes. It is the same as the many times i have prayed,begged, for help from God. Desperate calls for comfort, yet recieved no reply.and not being able to fathom the reason that He says no.
Father, God, Savior??? It is an impossible task, akin to me telling my child at three that he cannot have the sun, or the sky, to hold in his hand or save in his pocket...
So, what are the options when you are reverting back to childhood? When u want your daddy, and nothing else will do? Mine has always been to withdraw, to close in on myself, to cloak myself invisible, until the rain and wind and fear passes, and i can take care of myself once more.
But there is a price to pay. While withdrawing, God, or Father, or Lover, must sit by and agonize, waiting for me to realize that it's not their fault, it's just Life.
I don't think i will ever get over the loss of my father. But i think i can find a workable solution. Feel the pain, and stay open. Don't close out those i love. Because without them, what is life worth?

Monday Night~~~~
Saturday night brought more rain, torrential, in fact. The wind screamed, and the maples shook, and i fell asleep watching the lightening play against the darkness.I wasn't happy, anyway, because i tried to make last minute plans to be with Rikk, and it just didn't work out...i had Sunday off, the first in months, and i decided to make the best of it, and just enjoy the day gardening and puttering around the house.
I woke 3 times during the night, to more light shows and rain pelting against the window in a solid gray sheet.I sleep so solid, it must have been quite the storm,because usually nothing wakes me up.
I got up at 7am, and made my coffee. I heard Todd stirring downstairs in the basement, and then muffled curses. The basement flooded. The oriental rugs..saturated. The antique dresser, in a puddle. I wanted to cry. What a way to spend my day off. I felt cheated, pissed, and helpless. I called my friend, looking for a wet-vac, but her basement was flooded, too. I called home depot, looking for a portable sump-pump, but they were already out. So i went to K-mart, and bought a squeege, and squequed all the standing water on my hands and knees. Then i mopped it all, with bleach, to prevent mold. The boys helped., and hung the rugs on the fence. Inside i started to boil, that old, familiar rage against helplessness and aloneness. Where was my protector? where was my father??Because, i think, that's where it all started........

Friday Night~~
Just a little blog tonight...I am in a much better mood, what goes down, must go up., lol. Wicked, wicked storm here today, full of lightening and outraged blackness. As the barameter dropped, so did Justin's mood, and i watched him descend and swirl with the storm. But i wasn't having any of it. Enough is enough, and i let him work it out for himself. I forced him to take an online aptitude test., and when he balked, i looked him dead in the eye and told him it was HIS future, not mine...so, if he didn't want to do it, i was closing down the computer right then and there. He did it, liked it, and i felt i made some progress.He's whistling now, and just went to get pizza with his brother, and his girlfriend just called, so all is right with his world.
I gave coconut a bath. Coconut is huge, a great big white ball of supreme royal loving catness..He loves the outdoors, and i am not one to confine anyone, not even my pets...so, out he goes, and comes home splattered and dirty and happy. He should have been a calico, or some dirt hiding color. Oh well, he has to suffer the indignity of the occasional bath, when my mother's eyebrow raises, and everything in my path must be cleaned.
Into the tub he went, never suspecting that the mother he loves so much could be so cruel. I cooed and carressed as he did a slippery panic dance on the white enamel. I scrubbed harder, fascinated by how yellow and dirty his fur looked against the pristine bright tub. He handled it all well, until i conditioned him after his shampoo. It was the final indignity, and he made a gallant leap for freedom, up my bosum, over my shoulder, and half way down my back before i dragged him under the showerhead for a final rinse. The shampoo and conditioner? Coconut, of course.
PS he doesnt like the blowdryer much better. later.

ThursdayNite~~
I am gloomy again today, with so much on my plate that i have mental indigestion. I got the house cleaned, and cooked a pot roast and roasted a chicken, so i got the chores out of the way.
I had a very long talk with Rikk today, pretty rocky and tense. It seems like my life is slipping out of my control, and i hate that feeling. The reality is, NO ONE'S life is in control, we just strive for the illusion of it.
The outcome was good, though, because we can always talk our way through our upsets. He gentles me,quiets me, when my emotions are bursting, and i am very thankful for that.
I let go of all the rest of the stuff that i was planning on doing, and parked myself in front of the tv and watched old movies from the 40's most of the afternoon. Rare, very rare for me, but i got to cry at the old sentimental movies, and that is probably just what i needed.
I went red! Inbetween the tears and the post roast, i dyed my hair a rich auburn. It looks red inside the house, so i bet it's going to look like fire in the sunlight. Good. I need a boost right now.
Still losing weight, down 11lbs now. It isnt such a chore anymore, its just a choice. Maybe in a month i will be back to fighting weight again...hope so.
Talked to someone new about refinancing the house. I am instinctively liking this guy much better. I am glad i know a bit more about the process now, and what questions to ask. I will probably have his proposal tomorrow.
Have an appointment with the realtor next thursday. He is coming over and giving me instructions on what to do to the house to increase the profitability.I can work on that while i wait to see what happens with the maryland house. Either way it goes, it's going in a positive direction.
Tomorrow is bills, bills, bills, balance the check book...yukkkkk.
I will probably plant some more flowers and ride my bike, too, instead of more cleaning and organising. I need to do more happy things, fun things...because i feel like i am on an endless treadmill of work and more work, with little to show for it.
There i go, sliding back into moody blues, sigh...Well,tomorrow will be better......later.

Wednesday Morning~~
Not enough sleep the last few days, but i am feeling ok...The extra weight keeps sliding off, good thing i didnt give into my mashed potato fantasy last night.
I love the fact that i can rag-blog, whine and complain, here on this blog instead of to my friends and family. It gets it out of my system, and doesnt pollute anyone else with negativity.
This morning i am dancing in my seat to reggae, wiggling around to an island beat. I need to dance more....i think i will combine two favorite things tomorrow, and dance in the kitchen while i cook..
Time to run off to work. Today should be peaceful, with only D. and P. to work with. Divide and conquer, i always say. Its only when the whole gaggle are together that it gets too much.
later............

Tuesday Night~~
I am writing tonight with exhausted fingers and a tired brain..but three days without writing is WAY to much...
Today was a true day from hell at work, with D. running around playing "my shit don't stink" mgr.Garry, the so-called mgr had a day of. She pryed into everything, and though her point was valid, it was self serving and nasty.She made him look even more miserable and incompetent as a mgr then he is. P., Mr. Manipulator, rubbed his hands together in glee, and joined in the fun downgrading Garry, while the owner and his son,( my newly hatched trainee,) coupled with D. and P in an unholy orgy of Garry bashing.
While they let the blackness engulf them, i manned the phones, ringing, ringing, ringing, with customer problems and vendor lies, and sorted them out one by one, sometimes two by two, all the time longing for the day that i NEVER HAVE TO DO THIS AGAIN.
In my carbohydrate starved world, i could have jumped into a vat of warm mashed potatoes, slid through the warm butter on top, and never come out. Instead i gritted my teeth, held on, and made it thru the day.
One more day, and then a day off....I am sipping a glass of red wine, and it is rich as blood, thick, and delicious. I can feel the tension ebbing, quieting, and soon i will change out of these work clothes and into something loose and flowing....
They say that the negativity that you bitch about is a mirror of your own faults. God Help Me, if it is true....because it sure was ugly today..
Ah, well, there is always tomorrow........later.

Saturday Morning~~
Everything DOES seem better in the morning! I am back to determined warrior mode, ready for whatever challenges come my way. I am wearing my black suit, with a hotpink blouse,filmy flowered scarf, and my pearls.Hair down and wild and bright pink lipstick.
Made all my diet foods to bring to work with me, even though the PMS devil is making me crave cake and bread and chips. Today my 5,000 dollar customer told me to call, so, i might just hit the jackpot at work today.
Even thru all the emoting the last few days, i feel really good about all the cleaning, organizing and gardening i have done in two days. At least i put all that nervous energy to good use! And, as Rikk always says"it could be worse"....I prefer to take that statement as "count your blessings"
Talked my to little sis on the phone last night. Her daughter had made her crazy, and i just let her vent it all out. We ended up laughing over it all, ...just part of life...
Of to work i go..........later

Friday Night~~~
Well, must be a record...so many posts in one day! I almost depressed MYSELF, i sounded so melancoly today..But, i continued scrubbing, and tonight i sleep on clean, scented sheets, with a cool wind blowing in the window. I put Jesus back up, and put the house to rights again, bringing Rikk back to life. We talked today via msn, and even through the phone wires he calmed my emotions, and talked me down from my heart wire.
I am almost glad i work tomorrow. I can't afford such emotional excess too often...I guess that's why pressure cookers have gauges on them, and tight little lids....better to trap the steam and let it out in controlled timeframes...
Glass of water, vitamins, prayers, and bed....Later......

Friday Afternoon~~
I pick a bouquet
Ah, those of you
I love.
Some gone before,
some waiting til,
I love you all.
I write like i"m gone.
Sad and sage,
Truth is,
Hormones are kicking
Heart is jumping,
great chance to say
I love you.

Friday Afternoon~~~
Justin,
love of my life...
Stop thinking.Stop dreaming.
For one moment, let go of You.
See the people who love you
Support you.
I write these things like a
dying woman.
though, i am not.
Take your brillance...run with it.
let go of fear
let go of anger.
Dance, tango, fly....
Decide to be
Happy.

Friday Afternoon~~
Todd, you are
my sweetest accomplishment,
born of wonderment and disbelief.
They said i was barren, they said
he was too..
But you insisted, you desired,
born, with a fight.
I could have aborted you,
I could have said no,
but the woman in me,
Choose life.
So, son of mine,
heart of my heart,
do well and prosper,
Enterprise this life.

Friday Afternoon~~
He looks at me
and i melt.
My chocolate!
sweet, creamy
instantly
satifying.

And such a
bottemless pit
am I.

The storm is over outside. Here, inside, where the real storm is, i cannot get the kitchen light to turn on to do the dishes. The vaccumn cleaner broke, because i am the only one to clean the F....ing filters. The weedwacker needs some stupid gas/oil mixture, so, all the grass i cut today looks half assed. These are the things that men do to make up for their lack of sensitivity....and, so, now, my tears of sadness are mixed with anger.
It is only just shy of 7pm, and i just want to go to bed and sleep.I am tired, so tired. The next door neighbor found an injured squirrel, and she called ME to diagnose and treat. I saw that it was an internal injury, most likely hit by a car, and not going to make it. She called me over to see if it was sleeping, or dead. It was dead, and i buried it in an old towel under the lilac tree.
I am so tired.

Thursday Afternoon~~

I lost it today. Tears just keep falling out of my eyes. I took down the huge" Jesus Smiling " painting that Rikk made for me. I moved all the living room furniture. I put the dining room table in the corner,even though it looks like it is cowering. My home chai is screaming that i am already gone from here.
I have listened to nat king cole and sachimo over and over, while my hands scrubbed the floors and my eyes leaked. I listened to songs of love lost, and i lost myself. I have the strongest urge to just run, run so far and so fast that as i run, my responsibilites fall off me like leaves in an autumn storm.
Somehow i have to remember that he hasnt died, he just cant be with me for two years. I wish i had never met him!!!!!! I was really getting used to being alone. Ah, but , thats not true. I dont wish i had never met him, i just wish we were together.
A storm has just split the sky. I better get off before i fry this computer. I am going to keep cleaning, keep minimizing, keep crying, for a while more.

Tues Morning~~~
NO TIME TO WRITE!!!!ARGGHHHHHHHHHHH . later....

Sunday Morning~~
After my earlier post, i walked the backyard in the gray early morning mist. A owl hooted mournfully, and a redbird trilled backup. I went inside and got my keys, and drove over to Swan Park. I was all alone, and waiting for magic. I felt like i had stepped in an oriental watercolor,all awash in soft, damp green and blue. The sun came out as i walked,and the birds were like a marketplace opening, with shouted hellos as they got on with the business of the day. I walked to a tree massed with hot pink flowers, and rested their blossoms against my nose. Heavenly sweet,and the moisture captive from the night ran down my cheeks like tears. I felt my mother next to me, and we walked along the water's edge. I looked for the swans, absent this morning. And there they were, but not they, only one, swimming towards me. "where is your mate?" i asked quietly, feeling a bit crazy talking to a swan.. He just kept swimming closer to the shore. I stood my ground, hoping i wasn't near his nest, because they are fierce warriors protecting their families. He came within three feet of me, looked me dead in the eye, and slowly nodded his neck, turned and swam away. I walked on, filled with the sweet scent of spring, the warmth of the emerging sun, the song of the hundreds of birds. Nature's church...the glory of God in action.
Into the shower and off to work i go.....later.

Sunday Morning~~
I love early morning writing time. Everyone else still asleep, the potent swirling of energies the boys create thankfully asleep, too. I missed Rikk so much last night. It was 8 oclock, and nobody was home but me. I wandered around restless, with an insane urge to eat and eat and eat. But all the bread in the world wouldn't have filled me, because what i really wanted was his arms around me. I realize it's a well worn self defense mechanism for me., to eat for emotional comfort, to fill myself up when i feel sad and empty. I did the next best thing, wrapped myself in my white down quilt, and got lost in a book with a sugur free fudgesickle. I am so glad i love to read. It has probably saved me from insanity all these years, through all the hard and harder times, because when i read i escape, i fly, i rest, until it's safe to return and try again. I fell asleep with my glasses down my nose, and my book in my hand. When i awoke, J and T. were standing over me, whispering wake up, mom....They wanted to give me the second half of my mother's day presents...
I closed my eyes and held out my hands, tingling like a child. What could they possibly give me that i didn't already have? How could they know what would make my heart sing?
But they did know, these men of mine. Two perfect agates, the size of my two fists together. Justin's was orange and fiery, Todd's blue and green..Both with one polished edge, the colors intense and glassy smooth. Did they know when they chose them that the colors reflected their personalities? One child of fire, my double Leo, one child of the sea, my pisces? Perhaps the best part was what they said..the true beauty of the agates was what was inside, just like me. I have to stop now. My heart is swelling, crowding my chest, and i finally feel full.Later..

Saturday Evening~~
Just got home from work a bit ago...SUPRISE!! The boys cleaned the house for Mother's Day..and Matt, unofficial son #3, brought over his blower and did the porch, and all the little helicopters from the maple trees in the front yard.
I seem to collect needy little girls...me, mother of only boys...Little 7 year old Morgan, newly moved in next door, has replaced the former 2 little girls next door. She runs for me as soon as my hand hits the car door home. Maybe it's because i let them pick my flowers? Tulips in the hand of a little girl are better then in a vase, anyway. I learn all about their mother's operations, boyfriends, and the boogiemen that plague their nights. I just got a call yesterday from the chef's wife at my former job...Their daughter, Sammy, became my littlest best buddy, and she is having emotional problems....Where in God's name will i find time to be with her, to listen, to talk? But i will....Maybe it's because i was such a little misfit myself. I can relate. I can empathize. I can listen, even if i can't make it all better. I think i am still a misfit. I don't feel normal, i dont think i even act normal. But when i love, i love with everything i have, and thats my path, i guess.
Got to get out of this suit, and in some jeans. No, maybe my dusty gardening sweats, because i have a date with morgan, planting the last of the white petunias...later.......

Friday Morning~~~
It was supposed to rain today, and maybe it still will, but God has given me a blue-skied,sunshiny, glorious morning.Moonlight Adagio is playing as i write, a melody that has haunted me for years. Somewhere there is a memory of this song, because i feel it deep in my bones.
I never seem to do the typical. I lost 8 lbs in 5 days doing the damn South Beach diet, and haven't lost another lb. yet..Last night, after blogging, I sabatotoged my diet with my own good cooking. The boys love my macaroni salad, and it was the best batch ever. Noodles al dente, ultra creamy sauce with a spicy bite, and crisp little chop of red onion,green olives, and celery. I took a spoonful, then another, and the carb crave kicked in with a vengence. Well, i had eaten pasta, why not a pita chip? two. three. Well, after the pasta and pita, might as well go ALL the way. Two scoops of Death by Chocolate ice cream. I crawled into bed a South Beach Sinner, determined to repent,but very, very full and happy.
Jumped on the scale this morning, and NO weight gain. HA! Back to the diet today, like a good girl.
One more day without work, i could make a career out of not working, lol. Back to the car auction today, more work in the yard, and no more dragging my feet, i am going to throw stuff out. Later........

Thursday Night!!
Well, i was supposed to throw stuff out, instead i bought more. I went on a search for the perfect flowers for the front flower bed, the side flower bed, the flower bed by the back door, the old wooden barrel, the chair with the chipped enamal bowl....the vegetables..I went to 7 different places, so odd for me, because i am not just chosing for myself...I am chosing for the woman who buys my house. I want her to love walking outside early in the morning,i want her to heartsing to the purple and pink and candystriped petunias, I want her to pick juicy red tomatoes and fresh basil for her sauces...ah...i guess i just want her to enjoy this house, live this house, like ME.
For all i know, they will tear down this 1926 beauty, and build a crackerjack cutout, because of the proximity to the lake. Lake Elizabeth is the largest private lake in Oakland County, which is the richest county in Michigan.
Its so funny, i have always lived in the richest areas, and been poor! Ah, well....I don't need to own it to know the value or beauty of things, i just have to enjoy it...
Rikk is a silent ghost, walking with me. I miss his smile, his steady-ness, his partnership. I am making the transition from partner to warbride, and its a sad path.
I have bought a dress for Maryland. It is so pretty. White background, soft and flowing, with hotpink, lime green, orange flowers. It has a matching scarf, but, i am going to wind it into my hair. I hope the wind blows that day, because i know i will be swaying to the wind of a new life. I tried to pick out shoes, which is hard with my painful feet., because i want the highest of heels, and i know its just not practical. I asked for help from a big, black lady. I love the glorious sense of drama many black women have. They dont care if they weigh 120 or 210, they are going to look GOOD. In 3 seconds she had my shoes picked out, clucking over my foot problem, and understanding my need for sexy, sweet shoes. She nodded thoughtfully as i held the dress to the shoes...and proclaimed"Girl., you are looking goooooood." It was enough for me. THe whole outfit cost 30 dollars. Shoulda spent it on bills. Glad i spent it on me......Lataer..........

Thursday Morning~~
I am finding myself in a familiar dilemma-- It's my day off, and i want to accomplish so much that i don't know where to start. I'm a dog chasing my tail, right now. Of course, i am old enough to also know the solution, make a list, review it, and number it in order of importance. I am starting to get to the wire now as far as my deadlines for putting the house up for sale. So today is going to be sorting day, what to keep, what to throw away, and what to sell.
Today i feel lonely, wishing for my aunt and sisters, to help me with this task. With them it would be fun, but all i feel is nostalgia. Well, nothing can be done about it. Time to get to work. Later........

Wednesday Morninig~~~
The last day of a long workweek. My sales have improved the last week, perhaps because of luck, but i chose to think it's because i am very focused on making money.
I am dealing with the seperation from Rikk. It is not easy, but, I will make it. I am looking forward, not past. I know what i have to do to sell the house, and, one step at a time, i will accomplish it. Somehow i have managed to stay on the South Beach Diet, still steady at 8 lbs lost in a week.
I am enjoying a special closeness with my family. We all live so very far apart, but there is an unshakable bond between us. I envision many happy holidays spent together in maryland, reducing the gap created by growning up and growing apart.
I have a definite yearning to walk the beach alone, to smell the sea, to taste the salt, to hear the lull of the waves, to pick up beach glass as i walk along.It will be very, very good. Goodbye, Michigan. I have done my time, fulfilled my purpose here, and am very ready for the next adventure.

Monday Night~~~
i am getting tired of being the tower of strength and wisdom.Justin has required constant guidance, and Rikk is really depressed. When do I get to just mire in self pity and depression????
My next life i will probably live like a queen., because this one is pretty tough.I think i will just call it a day.....because, tomorrow, always tomorrow, will be better. sigh.

Monday Morning~~
I have just returned from a walk around my yard. White pearblossom petals are drifting prettily from the tree next door, and the air is cold and clean. I see Rikk everywhere,from the bamboo stakes where he planted sunflowers to surprise me, to the swiss chard he planted next to the garage wall. I will have to put away his white bathrobe from the hook on my bedroom door, and take down my 21 mermaid pictures from the wall to my right. These reminders are just too painful to see.
Yes, life goes on. Mermaid in the current? More like mermaid in a typhoon, right now. The best thing to do in a typhoon is to ride the waves, not fight them, until calmer seas prevail. Love isn't lost from adversity, just strengthened.
Time to call in some favors. All the teenage boys I have mentored, given a place to live, and feed all these years can help me fix up the house. Starting with my own two sons. I WILL get the house sell-ready, and I WILL continue to work hard and make money, and find a way to be happy, not mournful, in the process.
It could be worse, it can always be worse! So, i will look to the future, and enjoy the pearblossoms, and ride out the typhoon with faith.
Later.........

The pie is on the table. I want to throw it, i want to hold it tight, i want it out of my sight. Rikk is not coming. He will probably never be back to this house. My heart is filling my chest, exploding out of my eyes. He was turned away at the border, threatened for three hours with jail and having the car impounded. He cannot return without a waiver for something trivial 25 years ago. A waiver, if approved, takes about 8 months to process.
I am alone again.

Well, here i am again! Blogging is like a party to me. I guess we all think that we are the most interesting subject, lol.
I got out of work early, my Saturday to skip out...Had a very solid sales day, always a good omen to sell well the first day of the month. I am sticking to the South Beach Diet. It's amazing! Day 5, and i am down eight lbs.
Rikk's birthday pumpkin pie is in the oven, and he is on his way from Canada. I didn't have money for a gift, not really, but a homemade pie made with love isn't too shabby.
Spoke with my sister J. today. I was late for work because of our chat, but it was worth it. I knew she'd hear me calling telepathic-ly...she never fails. She seems very excited about the maryland house. The housewarming is taking on a life of its own. First it was just Doc, Jan and I...quietly.Now Georgie, Aunt Patti, Andrea, and Justin are coming.The Witches of Eastwick are gathering....This house will be a healing place, a connecting place, full of love, laughter, light. A place for family, and friends close enough to be family. I can see it.
The pie is perfect! Hot out of the oven, so fragrantly spicy. Just like me, wink,wink.
Later........

Saturday Morning~~~
It is cool and rainy this morning, and i don't mind at all. Everything is a shade of green, a springtime salad good enough to eat.I have to go to work in a bit, but the house in quiet for once, so here i am.
Does everyone need time to be alone, to drawn within to regain strength? I think i could go months without speaking to a soul, and be happy. That is part of my enigma, because i truly enjoy people, and yet i am a loner at heart.
Yesterday that solitude was not to be had. I went to a car auction preview with J.Both boys need a car, so there i was, amidst rough and grumble mechanics and used car dealers, looking at cheap but decent cars for the boys. I guess i should have taken off my pearls before i went, perhaps they were a bit out of place.
Beneath their roughness and the F word sprinkled liberally in their conversations with me, i learned how the auction process works. They said "they'd be lookin' for the redhead with the wild hair" at the auction itself. That's at 10am today, so, i have to get to work, ask to leave for an hour, and go . Wonder if i will be able to pull THIS escapade off! I am a MOM, not a dad....but, then again, i guess i have been a little of both all these years, sigh.
Got back from the auction preview, and Todd asked if his construction buddies could come hang out in the backyard and drink a couple of beers. I gave a reluctant yes, (losing that solitude!). After an hour, i told him i couldnt take it anymore. They are all so, so ....male and loud!Their testosterone level is so high at 22 that i was afraid i'd grow a mustache just walking by.
Todd knew my patience was gone, and he swept me up in his arms and said"Dance with me, Momma". I was listening to Louie Armstrong, and we swayed and twirled and dipped to the big band beat. I looked up at my tall handsome son, my manchild, and my heart wept as i smiled. Where did my little boy go? I hope i have taught him well, the important things, to love, to laugh, to live...because i know he is ready to journey on. I will never forget our dance.
Off i go, to get ready for work.

Fri.morning...
OH! forgot to mention......The South Beach Diet is amazing! Today is day 4, and i have lost 5 lbs.Can't say i like it, not at all. I am definately into sugur withdrawal. But, the reward will be sweet!Later.......

Friday Morning~~~
Still on the run, on the go...Got up at 6am, made sure Justin got off to school, did a few things around the house, went to bank, went grocery shopping, came home and put it all away, blah, blah, blah. Still have a million miles to go, and all i really want to do is plant some flowers, and read a book,after blogging, of course.
Back to what happened on Wednesday. It was a nightmare that no commission salesperson should ever endure. We work on an up system, taking turns with each customer that walks thru the door. I had three customers all day. One was a low-end browser. One was a low-end mattress sale. She was a single mom whose townhouse burned down, and I couldn't steer her towards something expensive, when i knew how poor she was. The third was a high end customer, who had to bring her husband back in.
Pat had 7 customers, all previous be-backs, and ended the day with SEVEN THOUSAND DOLLARS in sales, to my ittybitty FOUR HUNDRED. I wanted to weep, i wanted to scream, i wanted to shake my fist at God. I stopped my mental ravings, and thought,"what's the lesson here?"I realized the lesson was seeing and correcting the jelousy i was feeling, because it had no positive value in my life. I let it go. God knows what i need. God knows what Pat needs. I just let it go.
One more test was in order, though. The last hour of Wednesday at work I do cleanup/fixup around the store, my personal finish to the work week. A couple that i had sold a bed to 3 years before came in to chat. THEY WOULDN'T TAKE THE HINT TO LEAVE!!And that is why i had to go back to work yesterday, on my day off, to finish up...Jeezzz...At least they invited me to their cabin in the upper pennisula,lol.
I didn't make my numbers, and money is really tight. Good thing i can juggle. I wonder what it would be like to not worry about the basic necessities? Oh, well. Better days are coming.
I talked to a realtor yesterday. I used to work for him in my brief, ill-fated career selling mobile homes. He is just about the smoothest talking devil i know, and has been selling houses for three years now. He would love to sell my house, and gave me a breakdown on what to expect in fees and his commission. 6%!!!!! Holy Cow! I know that is the going rate, but, I don't think i am willing to give up that much money. I can sell beds, why not my house? Perhaps I will have him come do a walk through, tell me his opinion on selling price, and then offer him 1% for his mentorship while i sell it myself....
Today is Rikk's birthday, and he should be coming back from Canada today. I have never made anyone a pumpkin pie for their birthday, but, hey, it's his day, and that's his favorite.
I spoke to my brother, Patti, and my sister Andrea yesterday. I expect the commander(big sister Jan) to call today. She has an unerring ability to know when i am thinking about her.We have to firm up our plans for the visit to Maryland in June.
I see my dreams being a reality soon. I am scared witless, and totally exhilerated, the bravest coward i know., lol.
So much to do!!!! Later..........

Thursday Morning~~
It seems impossible that i haven't written since Monday. And i can't write yet. It's my day off, but i am starting it going back to work for an hour or so. What an experience yesterday was! Can't wait to get back home and write about it. later....

Monday Night~~
The world is a glorious place!!Just when i think i have it figured out, BOOM! it tilts on it's axis, and i see things differently.
I got an email from my brother, offering support with the overwhelm syndrome.LISTS..with the most important first,to ease the panic. This is also Rikk's solution. I got an email from Flora..also offering support....She sent me images of balloons, soaring high, happy colored and dancing, the way my sales will be..
I love the combination of the esoteric and the practical. I think it is the way i see things, too. I never discount the magic. But i DO look both ways before i cross the street.
Tonight i am listening to fifties Do Wop...wearing my sun and stars jammies, with cloud slippers and my pearls. My hair is curling wildly, out of control, and my glasses are slipping down my nose. I am hungry, ravenous, and as i write, I imagine myself as a medieval wench, in a tight corseted dress, with my pearls, of course, holding a great roasted turkey leg two fisted, and tearing it with my teeth. Now THAT'S hungry...lol.
I think i will settle for something a little quicker to cook when i finish writing...maybe a peanut butter and jelly?
Tomorrow i am starting the south beach diet. I have plumped up and don't like it. Probably will like the diet even less, but, a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do.
Tired, now.....but, happy. I know i am loved, and that is all there really is. zzzzzzzz
Later.

Monday Morning~~
I don't think this is going to be a soul satisfying write today. In the back of my mind, i am reviewing lists of thing that must be done. There is so much to do to get the house ready to sell. I feel overwhelmed. It is the end of the month, time for the final sales push to get my numbers where they should be.I need to balance the checkbook and juggle some bills. There are clothes to put away, and my nails need doing. The barrage of negativity has been horrendous. At work the boss complains constantly about how slow business has been. No one knows that better the the sales staff, because our income depends on sales. Yet, if you allow yourself to fall into the pity pot, you lose doubly, because a salesperson without enthusiasm is a salesman that makes no sales. Oh, well. I won't allow them to bring me down. I will make it a game today to try to bring everyone at work UP.
Justin has been the other source of negativity lately. His teenage angst has hit an all time high, or should i say low. There is a time for softness and encouragement, and there is a time for stern advice. I gave it to him straight up. Stop whining. Stop pitying yourself. Take care of your body. Take care of your room. Get a job. You want to grow up, these are the steps you need to take. I hope he takes my advice, because the time is drawing near for me to go, and if he doesn't like my rules, he can live on his own and live life the way he pleases.
Time for a shower.I thank God for the warmth of water, the scent of soap, the chance for a new day. Later.

Saturday afternoon~~~
It's been three days since i have had the chance to write, and it seems like forever. Thursday and Friday I was up early, cleaning and running errands. Spent most of my time outside, working in the yard...I am taking a stolen moment at work, and hope i can find time tonight to write some more....It's 2 pm, just four more hours of work to go.....later.

Wednesday Morning~~
I am so thankful for this journal. It has been almost a month to the day since i started it. I am starting to see a pattern emerge from it all. I see the words that i use too often. I see the sentences that are too long. I see the spelling errors. I am starting to see the value of editing. It is like pulling weeds out of the garden,necessary for the health and beauty of the flowerbed. I see that this will hopefully be a gift to my children someday. They will get to see me as a real person, not just their mom. I will always have a mournful wail locked in my heart over the deaths of my parents. Who were they, really? I will never know, and always hunger for that knowledge.
Perhaps the weather has made me meloncholy today. It is raining quietly, everything a hazy pale green, with a silver gray sky.
Today is the last day of my workweek. I hate the three day back to back 11 hour shifts. I will work hard, dream even more, and look forward to tonight.

Tuesday Night~~
I feel like a thief, stealing time. I give a quick kiss to Rikk, a hello to Justin, and throw a storebought roasted chicken and salad on the kitchen counter. I see that R. has cleaned the kitchen and bathroom, and Justin has something on his mind., but I head to the computer room, head down, fingers itching, needing to be a mermaid, swimming, stroking, floating, with the words held inside me.
Another crazy day at work. Training Lenny, taking care of customer problems, checking in trucks. Finally, a big sale, made by fighting the urge to throw myself at their feet and beg for the sale. It is a fancy dance, par and thrust, while i guage their need, and make them want what i have. I am tired by the end of the day, but satisfied.
There have been people in my life that have so overwhelmed me with their love. My diamonds don't rest on my fingers, but in my heart.
Last night in the midst of writing, feeling frustrated by interruptions and commitments, i looked to my right, and posted on the wall were 21 mermaids, all different sirens of the sea, and in the middle, a photo of me, taken at 22, sitting bikini-clad on a beach in Greece, with a live octopus on my knee.
I was astounded! It was a gift from Rikk, with me as the land-legged mermaid at it's center..
I remember that day well..I lived in a tent on the edge of the Aegean Sea,surrounded by hills of wild thyme and olive trees. The only thing around for miles was a little taverna, and the fishmen who set their wooden boats out each morning. I was an oddity, an American woman barefoot and bikinid, who spent her days writing, reading,walking the hills and lying in the sun. They didn't know what to do with me...ignore me, befriend me, or spy on me when i slipped away to the farthest corner of rocks to sunbathe nude. I gave them no choice. I talked to them in my halting Greek, which they found hilarious. It wasn't long before they tried to teach me to fish, and then the day of the photo came. I was too soft and citified to touch the octopus they caught, they said. It was too creepy and slimy, they said.
I couldn't resist....It was the size of a cat, and looked dangerous. What would the tentacles feel like, sucking against my skin? Was it slimy, or silky and slippery? I sat in the sand, and they placed it upon my knee. The tentacles grasped my leg tightly, and the body felt like silk. I felt erotic, and wild, and slid my fingers over the length of its body. It was one of those moments where all feeling is magnified, the wind tossing my hair, the grit of the sand, the laughing hiss of the sea,the intent eyes of the fishermen watching me.I smiled into the camera, willing myself to remember it forever.
And I have........

Monday Night~~
Listening to the sexy caravan beat of Mars Lasar..Tough day at work, the silent anxiety of a comission salesperson with no customers, yet, i kept the anxiety at bay with prayer, affirmations, and merchandising the futon gallery. Top it off, i have been given the dubious honor of sales trainer. The boss has brought his son into the business, and i was chosen, hands down, to train in sales and front end procedure. I think people get big bucks for that, don't they? Ah, well, i love to teach,and now that the boss wants to open another store, i have been told that i will be teaching EVERYONE newly hired. Jeesh.....if they only knew i won't be there that long....Just like my ex's, i guess, didn't appreciate me while i was there, missed me when i was gone!
Darn, i am trying to write, and am getting bombarded with emails...i will post this, and try again later or in the am.....sigh

Monday Morning...
And Yikes, what a Monday morning it is...J. woke up throwing up at 4am, sure he had food poisening. When he is sick he is a true Leo, dramatic, noisy, and sure he is drawing his last breath. Needless to say, i didn't get to go back to sleep, until i finally told him he wasn't dying, he had just had too much of the ham with pineapple sauce i made last night for dinner. We aren't hammy people, and stay away from rich sauces, so the occasional ham dinner has to be treated with caution.
Today is a new moon, a traditional time for new beginnings, and though i dont really have time to write, i knew i had to start out my day this way. The wind is moaning wildly outside, a gale without rain. It's exciting and fresh, and i want to be walking at Swan Park.
I have so much to do, to plan, to accomplish. I can feel myself on the edge of panic, multitasking. I know how to handle it, though. Deep breaths, and taking one thing at a time.
I came home from work yesterday to find that rikk had edged and trimmed the front of the house.Such a pretty little cottage it is! He also took my bike in to be fixed. My friend Lindsey came over, and looked around with a proprieitary eye. She wants to buy the house with her husband to be, and move in in July...talk about karma, her fiance is the young man i let live here for almost nothing when they were having problems 4 years ago .It is all talk at this point, of course, but it seems the universe's plan is unfolding quickly.
Can it be almost 10:30 already? Time to go to work. I can't get my little sister out of my mind. I haven't been able to reach her for almost a week, and my antenna is up.I will try again from work.
Soon i want to explore the mystery of the witches of eastwick. I am convinced we are descended from a long line of powerful, intuitive women, and i want to find out where the line began....
later, later, always later..........

SUNDAY MORNING~~
Sitting in my batik robe, listening to sweet violin music, drinking my morning coffee with the big, fat white cat on the windowsill.Today i get out of work early, at 5pm, and even if it rains, i will be outside, knees in the dirt, working the soil in the flowerbeds, looking for old friends popping up from the earth, thanking God for his majesty through the earth in my fingers, and the wind on my face.
Such a longwinded sentence! Guess it's okay for someone not even awake yet. In fact, i am so not awake, that i will have to write later. My words are like hard butter right now, not melted and creamy and flowing like i prefer..........Hmnnn, i think i will go back to bed and wake up Rikk, THAT's a better way to start a sunday morning....later.

SATURDAY MORNING~
What a wonderful day off yesterday. The sun was out, it was hot and breezy, and i started about 10am working out in the yard. It was a welcome change from the day before, when i grimly took my tax papers to the accountant. First time in my life i owed the government, a whopping thousand dollars. I sent in all the the state tax due, and will have to take the penality from the federal, but, all the other bills are paid, so, i can either bitch and moan, or be thankful i was able to pay as much as i did. I'll take the thankful route, because i can't change the fact that i owed, just my approach to it all.
The backyard looked like a cross between a cozy redneck's dream and martha stewarts worst nightmare. Jeeezz, how did it get that way??? Only one way to start, one step at at time. I went to the firehouse and got a campfire permit, and started burning all the old sticks and lawn debris. Rikk came out, and when he saw i wasn't going to stop, took over the firetending. Gone went the broken wooden chairs. What the heck, throw in the warped wooden table too. I didn't get nervous until the old christmas trees were thrown on the fire....almost melted the clothes line!!
Yard raked, watered, and new grass-seed. The water sprite perched on the rim of the brick wishing well, with water splashing over her toes, and then the yearly ritual of coins thrown in for luck...Tiger lilies planted along the back fence, and a new area planned for this year's tomatoes and peppers..
By six pm, all looked serene and beautiful again. I will miss this house, truly, but, it is time to let it be someone else's dream, and journey on.
I couldn't let the outdoors go, and Rikk and i got a bucket of chicken and drove to the State Park just up the street. Swan Park, i call it, because of the many swans that grace it's lake. We picniced by the water's edge, with no one else there but the swans and ducks, and watched the sun set over the water.
The finale to a beautiful day? As we walked back to the car, i looked up at the sky. There in the fiery orange glow of the sunset, the portrait of a fox in the clouds. Startled, i grabbed Rikk's arm and said"what do you see?" He saw it too, the face of a Fox, staring down at us...I take it as an omen....This fox is getting ready to do some incredible things....
Out of the clouds and into the shower. Work awaits, sales meeting at nine.

Well, here it is almost ten pm, and, I have a glass of wine and some sweet, soft melodies to write by...Once again, i don't even pause to get out of my work clothes, I just want to write.
Time to put the Canadian holiday to bed. Only a neurotic cook like me would bring my own spices, measuring cup, and spoons. I really wanted to bring my German chef knife, but i wondered about the border...and EVERY kitchen has to have a good knife, right?
Wrong. Grandma J is a very dear woman, but, if i wanted to commit suicide by dramaticly stabbing myself to death, it wouldnt be with one of her knives. Terrible, dull things, more apt to spread butter then chop with any authority.
Justin and i were welcomed with open arms. I love homes of people who aren't gypsies like me. They always make me a bit sad and needy, but i instantly attach myself.I have always wanted to have a Leave It to Beaver kind of life, and even the illusion of one is a very powerful pull for me. They probably see themselves as boring. I see them as safe and reliable. But, who am i kidding? Safe and reliable sounds good, but, with the life i have led, it would probably bore me to death.
Mmmnn. for dinner I am eating rasberry sherbet, so cold and sweet and clean on the tongue, between sips of wine. It is a dinner best eaten naked with a lover, but, the keyboard will have to do.
I had made a ginger/garlic/pineapple marinade to serve for dinner on Easter Eve, for grilled chicken breasts that had been grilled, sliced on the diagonal, and served atop a salad of romaine lettuce, red pepper slices, mandarin oranges, and pineapple. I planned on buying the breasts in Canada, but, grandma J. had some in her freezer, so, i thought, go with the flow. I marinated them on Friday. Ooops, no grill. Ok, I will broil them, i thought. Oops, the broiler didnt work in the Canadian Stove from Hell. Ok, i thought, i will BAKE the DAMN CHICKEN BREASTS. Even if you aren't a cook, you will realize my dismay that the chicken breasts took ONE ENTIRE HOUR to bake,and the end result was pasty, sick looking chicken breasts, with a horrible texture and taste. Nothing to do but dress the salad with brave little orange and pineapple bits, and the chow mein noodles i had brought from home.
When i shyly told grandma J. the stove didnt seem quite hot enough, and the chicken breasts seems to have an odd texture, she said "oh, well, the stove is 40 years old, and a bit slow, I think, and i believe the chicken breasts might be a bit freezer burned.."
SHIT!!!!!!!I just put a little extra garlic on top of the salad, figuring it would kill germs and mask the taste. I didnt eat the chicken, even though i knew it wouldnt kill anyone. The worst part about it was that they liked it. Even had seconds. But, I KNEW. If it had been my epicurean Italian family, i would have been laughed out of dodge, and we would have ordered chinese. sighh.......
The turkey was what scared me. These people thought i was a good chef. What was i going to do, brown the damn bird with my lighter?? Raw turkey poisening kept flashing through my brain.., with headlines reading something like" American Offensive Strikes Canadian Kitchen, Eight Hospitalized" So, I did the next best thing, I cooked the F@*king bird for seven hours, just to be safe.
While it was cooking, we took a lovely tour of London, Ontario, and the coastal drive of Lake Erie. We stopped to look at Rikk's murals, painted in towns along the way. He is amazingly talented. We got back an hour before easter dinner, and i knew it was perfect timing to steam the fresh asparagus, then dollop them with lemon and butter.
Grandma J. tried to help. She took those lovely, erect stalks of spring perfection, and, with her butter knife, chopped them to bits. After she chopped them, she boiled them to a soft , defeated heap of green .I was apalled. Horrified. I swept them from the water, thew some butter on them, and put them on the table. If they liked the chinese chicken salad the night before, those asparagus would be just fine.
Now, i know i have painted an ugly picture of Easter dinner. But, the people were very kind, and welcoming, and lovely.
I missed my Fortissimo wine. I missed my sisters. I missed the delicate shudders of delight i feel when i feed people food that is worthly of how much i love them.
Crazy? yup, probably. STILL haven't gotten to the nice policeman and the towtruck....
Ah, tomorrows are a wonderful thing........

Still haven't finished my story of the nice policeman and the tow truck..but, it will have to wait a little bit longer. This is my blog, after all, and, i AM a self proclaimed Mermaid, floating the currents,so, i write what i am feeling, at the moment.
Tonight i am thinking about relationships. Certain things bind you to another, especially in a romantic relationship. It is like buying a house. In the beginning you are giddy with the excitement of ownership, of the joy of decorating, making it yours, a fresh canvas to paint.It is only when that phase is over that you look up, and see that crack on the ceiling that you never saw before, and notice the slight tilt in the floor that before seemed unique and charming. That is the turning point. Should you plaster the crack and check the foundation to repair the tilt? It is a good house, after all. Or should you say screw it, and buy a new house?
It is a question that has always plagued me. Do other people feel this way? I don't know.....
Maybe tomorrow i will get to the policeman, and the Canadian oven from hell, and my beautiful fresh asparagus that i was going to steam, only to find my boyfriend's mom helpfully chopped into bits, and boiled.....
Ah, i love tomorrows, they always have the promise of a better day!

The familiar winter palatte of white and gray is back today, barely tinted by the red of the budding maples around my house. I don't care, because it is one week since that terrible cold, and my energy is back, ready to take on the world. My brotherinlaw, Doc, chatted with me online last night, and gave me an exercise routine. My arms hurt this morning from ten measly pushups, and i am quite sure i did them wrong, anyway.I did them again this morning, and jumped rope, too, even though it was with a bit of rope from an old clothesline. Perhaps the endorphin rush will come later, after i have caught my breath...
Back to the holiday in Canada....The first thing you notice is how friendly the Canadian border cops are, not grim-faced like the American side. When asked what i was bringing in to Canada, I reeled off my food items, and she smiled and said "go enjoy your holiday"..That was it, and off we went. The Queen's Highway, 401, is a pristine, straight roadway, with tidy farms and stands of trees. That's it, no billboards, no neon, nada. You can fall into a zen-like trance, with nothing to grab your eye but the colors of the earth and sky. I wouldn't want to travel it in the winter.
As you travel into St. Thomas proper, the first thing you are greeted by is a huge elephant's behind, up on a hill to your right. St Thomas is where the famous circus elephant Jumbo, was killed by a train many years ago, and they immortalized it with a huge concrete sculpture of him high on the hill. Five years ago, Rikk was commissioned to repaint him. His sense of humor overcame him as he mixed the primer coat, and he added a wallop of pink to the paint. The city fathers' were outraged as Jumbo emerged pink as a drunk's hallucination, and threatened nonpayment for the work. He kept painting. The news crews arrived, and by the time Jumbo was proudly pink, there were crowds lined up to have their pictures taken, and people selling postcards and t-shirts.Just goes to show that you should follow your heart, and success will follow...or, at the very least, you will have a good time. I WANT TO WRITE MORE!!! but, time to get ready for work.....

Still in my suit, and should have stayed home today! Had an appointment to talk about refinancing my house today, to lower my interest payment. I sat in a little cafe with a young professional mortgage guy, and listened to him tell me how wonderful his proposal was. I am not very savvy when it comes to financial matters, but, i know a scam when i see one. I looked at the figures, and drifted off into space while he talked, not hearing his words at all..It was strange, like white noise, or the ocean, while my antenna curled around his being, and confirmed that he was a liar, did not have my best interest at heart, and i should absoleutely decline to do business with him.
I offered to pay for the coffee, saying it was the least i could do for his time, because I saw no value in doing business with him. He squirmed, and began to dance The Negotiation Boogie, telling me the figures were "fluid" and he could do better...HA!
That was the beginning, and work was one juggling act after another, placating irritated customers, subtly threatening manufacturers who weren't delivering on time, and doing daily administrative work. In between that, I sold some low end stuff, prayed for deliverance, and got out of dodge at precisely nine pm....Ah, the joy of tomorrows! I am sure it will be better, tomorrow...

Home from my little holiday, and lots to write about!!Especially the ride home in a tow truck, and chatting with the nice policeman. ....
but i have to get ready for work!!!!!!!!!!
My fingers are twitching, my mind is itching to write, but, time to go sell some mattresses...I will get to write tonight, i hope...

I sure am tough, sometimes. I hardly ever get sick, but Sunday night i felt a cold coming on like a freight train...the uh-oh kind of cold, that starts with alot of sneezes, progresses to a dripping nose, and culminates in a general feeling of horrible lassitude.
No choice, not really...still had to go to work, boom, 11 hours, monday, tuesday and wednesday....I thought about it like a prison term..all i really wanted to do was sleep.
Today at work i thoroughly submerged myself in the pity pool., internally raging at my job, ready to quit., thinking i should have the kind of job where sick days are the norm, and paid, to boot.
No such luck. At one point, i crawled into the furthest corner of the clearance room, and tucked myself in for a 10 minute nap. Fifteen minutes later i was awakened by a customer, because Garry was on the phone and couldn't warn me that someone had come in. Proper little pool of drool on the pillow, one hand curled around my hair, at least my skirt was still down....sigh. I sold them the very same mattress, saying that it was the one i chose when i was really in need of a comfortable little sleep. Never think that God doesn't give a silver lining to his clouds....lol.
I am excited and a bit scared about Easter. Going to Canada for the holiday, with Justin, while Todd gleefully stays home to do whatever 22 year olds do when their Mom's not home....At least i trust him, so, that's half the battle.
And what will i bring for Easter? Food, of course..Before i even think of what to wear, i am planning on making a pot of sauce with meatballs, Magic Bars, Pumpkin Pie, and artichoke dip. Hope they don't confiscate it at the border. And all the while, eating with people i don't know, (knowing i will be rated and judged, most likely),I have in my heart my mother's Easter feast....redolent with garlic rubbed lamb, fresh asparagus, sauteed mushrooms, cooked so slow they were intense nuggets of flavor, and artichokes, spiky and naughty, stuffed with cheese and bread crumbs, sensous to the teeth and tongue..
What am i going , a garlic spiced Italian girl in the midst of Ham eating protestants? Should i try to straighten my hair? Should i wear a conservative pantsuit?
Nah, I think i will just feed them. I think i will just hug them. I think i will just buy some wine.
I promise to write about the funny bits.
Sure wish i was spending it with my sisters, and brother, and aunt, and cousins. Time for this sick girl to go to bed.....tomorrow, ...........to write again.

"SUNDAY NIGHT"
I am so sleepy...today we changed the clocks ahead an hour...I had a fabulous day at work., i met so many interesting people...Laughed, sold, and learned...Met a guy named john, probably 75 years old, with so many stories to tell., owned a bbq take out joint in downtown Detroit from the mid=sixties til 1985. That was the year he quit,saying, "Only the drunk, foolish, or insane would own a business there"...hmmnn.....He said that the people changed, before, the night people were wild partiers, full of marijuana and alchol and sex...by the time he left, they were murderous....That is what makes me so sad to be an american....we have so much good, but, we are a society that takes violence as we do breathing, necessary for life.....if only we could widen our mentality to accept an attitude less accepting of violence as a way of life....
Just like sex.....we are such prudes, yet, we can show our children point blank murders on tv.....I would rather my children watched raw lovemaking then that...at least there would be some pleasure involved, not death and destruction....We are hypocritical anyway., because people just f..... in private, in shoddy little affairs, while we proclaim public morality.
WHEW! for a sleepy girl, what a rant !
Made my OWN first bbq of the season, still wearing my purple down jacket, lol. Big chunks of tenderloin beef, swewered with raw tomatos, red onion, tomatos, mushrooms and peppers.....Seasoned with wine,garlic, homemade mayonaise, coarse salt, fresh ground black pepper, lime, and a pinch of sugur....
Standing in the cold, watching the sunset, with the scent of spices and beef and lime,mnnnnn..Black as night Link, my 1st kitty, rolling in the new grass, pouncing on the first little moths...White as snow Coconut, my 2nd kitty, sniffing the beef, stalking the bbq, waiting for a bite...
Candlit dinner and great conversation with Justin, The swewered beef served over yellow rice, knowing in that moment as we laughed, and our eyes met, why i never give up loving my children, loving my life....
I will try to remember that, the next time he pisses me off.....
Tonight, early to bed, maybe a nice, long bath, with rich bubbles and candles, and my hair piled atop my head, then slip into my soft,lovely bed...To dream, to smile, and then, to sleep........

"HOT TOWN, SUMMER IN THE CITY"
This post is dedicated to Aunt Patti, my Luna.
It was 1966, and i was a fat little girl with big dark eyes and an unbearable shyness. Aunt Patti was beautiful, a tiny, curvy sex bomb..with a geometric hairdo,long fingernails, and full, smiling lips.She lived in Brooklyn, i lived in maryland, with my mom, 2 sisters, and little brother, still in diapers.
That summer was hot, and my favorite song was by the little rascals...."hot town, summer in the city, back of my neck gone warm and gritty"I was blissfully unaware of the trouble ahead, as i played in the fields,looking for butterflies,and read my books...And then it all changed....Aunt Patti was there, in maryland, laden with coloring books and crayons, and water pistols...My mom disappeared, and i knew from the secretive whispers that my Dad was very sick, Aunt patti took care of us....It was so much fun! We shot each other with water pistols, and had mounds of bubbles in our baths....and though she couldnt cook, i was amazed at the hundreds of tiny, rock hard meatballs piled up like a pyramid, gelling in a mound of pasta. I missed my mother, wondering where she was, and Patti sat with me while i colored in my ballerina coloring book , and tucked me in tightat night.It was a magical visit, and, thru the years, i would realize that she often came to us that way, with a laugh and enthusiasm, never letting on what grownup troubles she was protecting us from.
She was only 16 that summer. She gave up her dates, her home, her freedom...to go to a little cowtown in maryland, because she loved her big sister, my mom, and her brother in law, my dad.
She came because she loved us, 4 wild children, quite the handful.
She came because my father was dying, and she gave us the gift of love, shielding us from the inevitable, for just one summer more.
I am rich, because she is a precious jewel in my life...and, i love her.

I love to write...It is like sex., sometimes it is so good, you never want to stop. Sometimes, you just don't want to. sometimes, you know you SHOULD want to, so, you pretend. and, sometimes, when you least expect to be inspired, overwhelmed, or crash over the cliff....you just do...........YEAHAAAAAA!
I just found out that i made 6% comission instead of 5! This is a real victory, because i was only 12 dollars short., and i just trusted God to take care of me instead of finagling the books to get there....Thanks, God.
Had a wonderful conversation with my brother today...I love him so much, sometimes i confuse him with my childrens names....he is my little brother, and, i always feel like he belongs close to my heart.....i suspect my sisters' feel the same way....
Well, i haven't written anything earth shattering... No perfect writing, no Nobel prize.... just like me.....surfing, sliding, loving, feeling.....Life.

What a luscious day! I have just come to realize that cooking is a meditation for me.Alone in my kitchen, listening to music, my mind roams and settles, and in action, i find peace. I made baked ziti, laughing the whole time, because i put kielbasa in it, and used jarred sauce...Oh, Grandma Mary, forgive me, you, of the pure kitchen, the kitchen that always started from scratch, but, i know it's going to be good....Good male food, full of ground beef, and sausage, saucy and spicy, topped with melted cheese. .What's not to love?
Then...homemade hummus.....a little delicacy i bought for myself...pureed chick peas, favorite of isrealis and arabs alike....only to find my boys loved it, ate it, and, left little for me....I couldnt resist making it homemade, the way i made when i was a young bride, full of international enthusiasm about the cuisines of the world....
Plain, with a bit of fresh garlic and lemon and olive oil., and then, as my music and fingers stirred me, the second batch with calamari and green olives, sundried tomatos, onion, and pepper...mnnnnn...The best part is that i know that Todd will love it., that son of mine that is a man, yet, always, my baby...my firstborn.
Of course, i can't leave out Justin....for him, fresh salsa., hot, with chunks of jalapeno, red onion, lush red tomatoes, and a big handful of cilantro....doused with lime, salt, and garlic....hmnn..maybe a shot of tequila next time????
The ziti just came out of the oven.....it smells like heaven....Probably weighs nine hundred pounds....give or take....
And just like running a marathon, the piece di resistance...Bar cookies, with peanut butter, chopped pecans and chocolate.....I will cut them in squares and put them on a footed dish, a solitary temptation when the meal is done.....I just previewed this post., and had to snicker....i meant calamata olives, not calamari(octopus) in the hummus....and my spelling, well, jeeesh, that is my beloved friend Flora's department...she is a whip with all that stuff.....even though she isn't English first speaking.....