Wednesday afternoon~~
I just read your post to Kari, anonymous. Again, i find your comments very insightful..you speak like one who has experienced this herself., or something very like it. My relationship with J.s father spanned almost 20 years, pre and post divorce, and the whole time it was a case of me putting a bandaid on a mortal wound. Looking back now, i realize that i refused to see that i couldn't save him from himself. I always fixed things, always made a way, and, on the surface, gave him his repectability. He was a charmer, a master salesman, and not above groveling the many times i left him, started over, and out of pity, or maschochism, or God Knows what motivation, i took him back.
The last time was 3 years ago. He was homeless, and had just lost his job that included his truck, and living expenses. (he was a traveling salesman). He had a heart attack, and i offered to let him stay at my house to recuperate. He got a job driving a cab, and i told him to save his money, so he could get an apartment and get back on his feet. I came home from work to an explosive situation..my oldest son, T., in a standoff with G. on the porch. It came to blows, and it's funny,what i remember most about it was the sound of my clay italian flower pots crashing to the floor. I called the police,and G. turned to me and said."You did this. it's your choice, him or me." I went inside, packed his things, and told him to never come back. I decided it was finally over...and the door to my giving slammed shut,locked, and i threw away the key.
There comes a time in my life when i let go, because, above all, i am a survivor.
To try to channel and help J. by moving to maryland is part of that survivor instinct.You see, i refuse to be a woman who bails out her adult son, be it with money or a place to live, forever. I will always love him, but i am getting ready to leave my active tour of motherhood duty. I finally like myself, and love myself most of the time, and that love of self just doesn't have room for being anybodys emotional or physical punching bag. I will dedicate myself for one year to helping j. finish high school, and teach him all the practicalities that he is so ignorant about.After that..i am done.

Wednesday Morning~~
Slept in late today, no ambition at all. I feel like laying in bed all day, but that is strictly against my code...must come the german/dutch half of me.."you will work! you will be productive!". Causes a bit of a problem with the italian side, that would prefer to loll about, sipping wine, listening to music, with a manyana laissez faire.
Anonymous, Kari, Amadeaus...your comments on my concerns with J,..what can i say? Wise perspectives from three different sources..Pretty ironic, too, because i had contemplated sending J. to his father for a couple of weeks before the move...so he could have some closure, and also to let him see what his life COULD be like..Then yesterday, got a phone from my ex-brother in law...We haven't spoken since last Christmas, when i called them for the holiday. Seems G. (the ex) has continued his downward spiral..renting a room in a house somewhere, cell phone disconnected. Still drinking everyday,driving that way, too, even with all his health problems. Still leaving a trail of broken promises. My ex-brother in law called to say he loved me and the kids, and to apologise for thinking i was "the bad guy" that hurt his brother, when he realizes now it wasn't true. Bittersweet, because i have been too busy raising the boys myself to even care what they thought of me.All i know is, leaving J. with him now is not an option.
Change comes from within, and just moving away doesn't mean that your problems don't come with you. I am taking a very calculated risk; in moving i plan to grab my pruninig shears and ruthlessly cut off the suckers and dead wood from J.s life. I will no longer work the 11 hour days that keep me absent now,and i will give him structure and support to build a new life. I will expose him to the beauty of the sea,surrounded by healthy male role models in his uncles and cousin. After that, it is his choice..for we do indeed journey alone through this life, each of us ultimately on our own path..The bottom line, for me, is that i must, i will, try.Later...

tuesday night...
i want so much to write, to express my feelings and thoughts on the posts in reply to moving and my trouble with J., but, i am so tired...The rain is a delicate staccato, and i just want to take off my clothes and lie naked under my down quilt..Leave my hair unbraided, and say my prayers...while drifting to sleep.
Tomorrow, always tomorrow...The wonderful smell of coffee, the peek outside to see the sky., and, the promise of a new day....sweet dreams, later..

Tuesday Night~~
I am so humbled, and thankful, for all of you who take the time to care about my life. How lucky am i?
First of all, just a bit of today..I read anonymous and Kari's posts monday night, but, i spoke with Rikk via IM,and i wanted so badly to connect with him, that i planned on writing in my blog this morning, instead of my nightly postings...
Didn't happen. I turned on the computer, and a loud, warning beep! beep! beep! was all i got. The cats were wrapping my ankles, i hadn't made coffee yet...and my first thought was "uh-oh". First things first, coffee on, babies fed, then back to the beeps...Dug out the computer papers, and called...I got a lovely lady named Anna, and, half awake, her speaking with a pronouned accent(Indian, i think), she intructed me to unscrew the back of the computer, locate and take out the memory card, and then pull the plugs to the mouse and keyboard. Sounds simple, eh? God bless her patience, as i opened the back of the computer with a butter knife. God bless her patience as she explained what a memory board looked like. God bless her patience as she told me what color the cords were to the mouse and keyboard. We figured it out...dead keyboard....and they would ship me one in 3-6 business days...in the meantime, i had 20 minutes left to shower, dress, put on my makeup for work, and the kitty's were having a ball, oj biting my toes, coconut trying to explore the inside of the computer, and link sliding over the warranty papers. sigh.
Off to work i went, but, just before i left, the electric company called, saying, "if i didn't pay EIGHTY DOLLARS RIGHT NOW"...well, you get the drift...
Worked 11 hours, nonstop, wild bed sales, the most the store has made in over a month, and God saw fit that most of it was cash and carry for my sales, way past my expectations for the end of the month....Justin called midway, to tell me that the refigerator was broken, and by the way...the cats broke my antique blue/green candy bowl, and, did the vaccumn ALWAYS blow dust out the side. sigh.
So, the repairman is coming thursday morning to fix the frig, the lights are still on, and i am SURE Mr. Phillips and i can fix the vaccumn one more time.
And this is before i even address what's REALLY in my heart.....back in a few....OH! forgot to say..i am able to type this post because...packrat that i am..i had an old keyboard in the closet...and now that i know where a keyboard plug goes....I AM WRITING!

Monday Morning~~
What a crazy life. Last night i cried myself to sleep, thinking about J. I woke to a note,by the coffepot, from him. "Dear Mom, wake me up before you go to work, i love you and miss you and want to talk".I don't have time to write now, but the jeist of it all is that he is willing to give maryland a try. Off to work i go...later

Sunday night~~
it's so hard to write with a house full of people...Todd's girlfriend and the kids...i love them, i do...but, the privacy factor, well..gone.
J. no longer on a high from his cd...negative and calling people evil and saying how ridiculous it is to want a house, and life, when we are just all going to die..(we are all a bunch of trained monkeys, except monkeys aren't evil, like people are, wasting the earths resouces, and practicing ugly habits).Won't even do the dishes as his chore, but, stays in my face, spouting negativity, telling me how horrible his life is(mentioning his "waste" of a father in the next breath).

Rikk emailing me, and telling me i can drive a 15 foot truck 12 hours across the mountains, towing my little car, no problem..."just go slow".(when he knows driving is my phobia, and i am terrified)
When all i want to do is write....i have so much to say...but, have to take a pickaxe, and swing through the obstacles, first...So many, so thick, that my fingers can hardly type....
At least,at the very least, i am keeping my promise to write everyday. That, nothing can stop, even if i have to AUDIO blog.
J. doesn't realize how close, how very close, i am to throwing in the towel. Let his father take over. Let him feed him, clothe him, council him, deal with his black moods.
The only thing that stops me is....what would the final outcome be for my son? I might get a reprieve, but, what will his future be?
I am so bewildered. This is one of the times i just want to run away, or, at the very least, pull the covers over my head, and pretend it all doesnt exist.
Later.

Saturday Morning~~
All ready for work, and today i look like a school teacher,complete with glasses and below the knee black skirt. Ah, but who knows the mermaid that lurks beneath?
The sense of pressure is off, marvelously..It doesn't matter if i get fired now, all is in place...I am curious to see what that lack of pressure is going to do to my sales. I know i will keep up with everything else at work, that's just my nature..When i leave i want to do it properly, with all my admin work current.
J. and his band were in the studio for 8 hours yesterday, recording their first professional CD. He came home at 12am, and i was waiting up, reading. His eyes shone, and he played it for me..I listened, and watched the rapt faces,tapping fingers of his fellow musicians.. The music was good,..a unique sound, blending jazz and Celtic with a little Pink Floyd thrown in.
Pray God i can channel that passion, that emotion, even him out somewhat...
I want to keep writing, but work calls...
The sky is so beautiful this morning, the air so cool and sweet...Happy Saturday Morning, everyone....

IT'S DONE!!!!! Thank you, God......I am all alone, crying my eyes out, thankful, so thankful...later..

Friday afternoon~~
In less then an hour, the title people will be here at the house to sign the refinance papers. The floors are shining; the coffee pot on, and i have gotten out my antique irish sugar bowl and creamer with the 4leaf clovers rioting across the china.
This is months of work, this is a new beginning. Two years ago, i was 11 days away from a sheriff sale, my house officially in forclosure. My car was repo'd, and we barely had enough to eat.
This refinance is a miracle, straight from God. No one would touch me for a refinance..the forbearance mortgage agreement i have been under for the last two years is worse then a bankrupcy and a repo combined. I am amazed by it all. I have never heard of a title company that comes to your house, I am amazed that i didn't even have to take a day off from work, i am amazed that i didn't get fired and lose the refinance altogether.
Yesterday, as i tried to clean and prepare for today, J. chose to act out, terribly.I won't go into it, but, it was painful...so painful..i cannot even put it to paper. He is a double Leo, self absorbed, and almost more then love can handle, sometimes. I pressed on with my chores, anyway, heavy hearted, but determined.
If you read this, and love God, pray for my son..pray for me, that i continue to have to strength to guide and stand by him...
I cannot wait to write my victory post..i will be writing it before the ink dries!
Time for a bit of lipstick, and cut some flowers for the table...later.

Thursday, High Noon~~
I FIXED THE VACCUMM!!!!!!! Thank you, Mr. Phillips, wherever you are. Kisses, kisses, kisses. I have been sweeping the house for three weeks, with no money to take the vaccumm cleaner to the fixit shop....Today, i said, ENOUGH. I rummaged thru the junk drawer, found the thingy screwdriver with 4 slots, (thank you again, Mr. Phillips) and took the whole damn thing apart.
Easy for you, you say? HA! All my iq tests say..."word warrior, you go girl.. Uh, try to be logical, fix things, affinity with how things work, get a friend, or call a repairman!"
I DID IT!First, i cleaned all the filters. Then, i took that screwdriver, wielded it masterfully, and did what i guess alot of men do....tore the whole damn thing apart. Then i got a coathanger, and threaded it thru all the hoses...Eureka!! resistance!. Patienace, cunning, as i cajoled and prayed the coathanger thru...The culprit? A paper towel, clogged with cat hair. I haven't put it back together yet, but i am certain the problem is fixed.
I think this will make my relationships with men better. I tend to play Scarlett, waving my fan, when i need help. How much better to be Rhett, rescueing myself, so that the nitty-gritty, the bottom line, person to person, without need or manipulation getting in the way, to tell you if you are partners?
Hmnnn. Better grab that screwdriver, hitch up my pants masterfully, and go on with my day. Wink, wink. later.

Thursday morning~~
   It's hot and oh so sticky out, and i have looked around my cluttered house with a baleful eye. So much to do, before i even START to do the things i want to do...Last night at 2:45 am, baby oj woke me biting my toes. I tucked them into the sheet, and then moments later..CRASH! Somehow he managed to knock my glass of water off the bedside table...water everywhere! As i mopped it up, Justin came in...
  I never wake well~i am grumpy and groggy and not real, for at least an hour. "Mom? can i talk to you before you go back to sleep?" Sigh. He had been on the computer for hours, researching the history of rock and roll, and the implications of Satanism. JEESHHH!! Scared himself silly, and the crash of the water glass made him think Alistair Crowley had come to visit. "What did i think about the CIA and LSD?" "What did i think about Satan and God?" "Where was he going in his life?" "Why did i always believe the best in people, when there is so much evil in the world?"
  All that, barely awake, and not a drop of coffee in me. Little oj in prime kitten mode, too..pouncing and prancing and doing high dives off my bed.
  We ended up in the dark on the porch swing, me in my robe and him in his boxers, talking til 4am. The last thing he said before we hugged goodnight was "thanks, mom..i can sleep now."
  And me? I lay there in the dark, face to the open window, listening to those strange almost dawn sounds..praying for my baby boy, not a baby, not a man. It is so clear to me that he stands at a fork in the road, hesitating, taking a step, retreating, standing still in confusion.
  I just want to plant my hand in my back, and PUSH.."there, take THAT road"..But i won't, I can't...all i can do is be available..listen..even at 4am.....later.

Somehow, i have got all the color and spelling gizmos back...Have you been praying for me, Flora? I don't know how dark green will look on light green...but, here goes...i am going to publish., and see.

Wednesday Night~~
The rain is pouring straight down, drenching, soaking, hot sounding rain, and it's making me hot, too. It's a sound of urgent passion,unstoppable, furious in intent. I feel crazy...like biting the tiles, waiting for release...Ah, it's softer now...with a gentle smack of thunder, and i can finally exhale. Now it is just caressing, and i can hear the different tones as it hits the trees, the grass, the slope of the roof. Black kitty Link is on the windowsill, green eyes luminous, and we rub noses..I think he felt it too.Little oj is in my lap, half asleep, sucking on my thumb..(how strange my 4 legged children are)
Another uneventful day at work...THANK GOD!. Except, except...i have made the reservation for the moving truck. When they asked me the date i was moving, i realized i didn't know...My plans have been so focused on solving all the problems to actually MOVE...my imagination has been so locked into the fantasy of how it will be., that i hadn't set a date...So i heard the little voice in my head say"mid september". I had actually thought the last week end august, but, i always listen when that voice speaks.."Monday, September 13?" the guy asked..And i said "Yes!"...My knees felt weak, my voice shaky. I guess i am really going to do it. New start. New job, new home, new friends, new, new new.
All i have to do is remember how i have been terrified before, of change, of the unknown. And then remember, that out of those changes, have come great learning, great loving, great experiences...And so...the next chapter is ready to begin....... Later.

Wednesday Morning~~
I have some kind of dream marathon going on every night. Last night i dreamt i told Debbie i was moving..I was wearing a yellow sweater, and she just looked at me blankly, and said "youre moving?".I just raised one eyebrow, and remained silent. (debbie is the "friend" at work that told the boss about the labor board). The night before i was sunbathing on a crowded beach,head tilted up, soaking in the sun as i watched the waves crash to the shore. Every morning i wake up feeling like i was in school, enrolled in a crash course, head crammed with knowledge. Only problem is, i can't remember WHAT school i am enrolled in , what the course is, or what it was i was learning!
Yesterday WAS busy from start to end;I got the insurance for the house, went to work, got everything faxed to the refinance guy, got the last employment verification phone call from the new mortgage company, (WHEW!,in the nick of time),and the closing date in definetly set for Friday, at 1pm.Worked til nine pm, went grocery shopping, home at 10pm...Both of the boys are feeling anxious...I am their landmark of security, and that landmark is picking up stakes..I know there will be alot of porch-swing talks, reassuring, calming, explaining over the next two days off. I am ashamed to say that i don't feel like explaining, calming, or reassuring them at all...all i want is to sit by the water alone, and reassure MYSELF, but i will find a way.
Wish i could preview and edit my posts..still no luck with that...So, please forgive the wordy sentences and spelling errors...feels like getting dressed without that last glance in the mirror to see if my slip is showing.
Off to the shower i go, that morning haven i love so well....and then one more day of work, before my two days off. Later.

Tuesday Morning~~
Today's going to be a busy day, i can feel it. I have so much energy my eyes feel like lasers...i could melt someone just by looking at them. I should wear soft colors, to mute myself a bit, but i feel RED. WOW!
Settled for hot pink, instead...It's pouring rain, and in a few minutes i am off to the ins. company, then work. All the best laid plans of mice and men, i guess..
Justin was up, wanted to talk, then an early morning phone call from Rikk..no time to write, no time for much of anything, just press on forward, and GO! later...

Monday Night, one more time
I have decided not to publish the boys birthday letters to me...I will keep them as a private pleasure..besides, it's just too much accolades to handle...when, no one belongs up on a pedestal..we are just fellow journeyers, thats all.
On my way home from work, i thought how i couldn't wait to get home and write...my fingers tapped impatiently on the steering wheel, i drove a bit too fast. I realized to write publicly is to invite people to dinner. You prepare, you taste, you set it down on the table. Sometimes the fare is fancy, and the candles are lit. sometimes it's just potluck, with paper towels for napkins, a hurried bite. Regardless, the invite is there,to come share. Only eat what you like, eat as much as you want, because there is always plenty more!! And the door is always open....Later.

Monday Night~~
Don't worry, anonymous....the buttons on blogger are broken again...So, no fancy colors...I must admit i loved your poem(it had humor and heart) and, as i dashed off to work this morning, i realized that I couldn't see my post very well, either, lol.
Quiet day at work....the boss went out of his way to act nice ( like i am going to forget, HA!)so, i acted the same....Deb, on the other hand, could'nt look me in the eye...She is the one who told the boss i was ranting about going to the labor board..even though when she said "you have put me on the spot,telling me your plans for the boss" I told her to forget it, our friendship was worth more then the 200 dollars taken out of my check, and i wouldnt go to the labor board..sigh. I will never stop believing in the good in people, though. I can think of all the good that has come of our friendship, and feel compassion that she is so desperate for the closeness she has with the boss that she needs to betray a friend to cement that friendship.
Looks like the closing for the refinance is set for Friday at 1pm!! My stomach is kinda clenched, so hopeful and so scared, but, destiny is blowing in my ear, half caress, half tickle, and i am just enjoying the sensation.
Tomorrow, nine am, paying for new ins. for the house, the last thing to do for the refinance...used all my skill, and LOTS of prayers, to get it done in 24 hours...as is the last necessary expense to finish the paperwork.
I recieved my birthday presents from T. and J....i am such a lucky woman...My next post well publish them...
We don't need jewels, we don't need possessions...we only need people that love us, even if that love is not perfect..Indeed, DESPITE that love is not perfect..because in the imperfection of life, we hone our ability to be with God, in his perfection.....Be back in a few with my letters....xxx

Monday  Morning~~
  testing, testing, could the blogger bugs have gotten a shot of penicillin???I see the preview button, i am typing in color and chose my own font.....here goes!

Oh!OH!
more gifts...each so special, so heartfelt
todd took me to dinner...( i know he has just a little bit in his pocket, no more) We shared a golden margarita, and i had ribs and shrimp and more tears...I am DROWNing in love.....
Then, his K. came over.....she did an oil painting of a mermaid...languid, half in the water, half in the sand, with long, red hair, and an mona lisa smile...
how lucky, how blessed, can i get? Those are just two...you who love me know how thankful i am for your gift....I am a happy girl, so happy, barefoot and wildhaired and enjoying every minute of this first day of my birthday year...
thank you, and ...sweet dreams.

Yippie! Birthday Morning~~
I had the most fabulous dream last night. I dreamt i was up in the sky, in a red,white and blue hot air balloon. I was alone, and the sky was blue with lacy clouds. I was delighted, but didn't know how to navigate the ship. I found some ropes, and pulled them up and down, and viola!! i was piloting....a little rocky, but having a ball, nonetheless....
Off to work i go!! Later

DEAR LISA:
AS PROMISED I AM WRITING YOU ON YOUR B'DAY! THE BLOG WON'T LET ME POST A COMMENT - NO USER NAME AND PASSWORD. SORRY, BUT I TRIED! anyway I WANT TO WISH YOU A VERY HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I KNOW IT IS HARD TO DO BECAUSE OF MOMMY'S DEATH THE DAY BEFORE, BUT I KNOW SHE WOULD WANT ME TO FOR HER TOO! OH YEA, DADDY WISHES YOU A VERY SPECIAL BIRTHDAY TOO! THEY ARE VERY PROUD OF HOW HARD YOU WORK AND YOUR DETERMINATION TO KEEP THINGS GOING! I THINK OF MOMMY OFTEN AND THE ONE SPECIAL THOUGHT WAS WHEN THERE WAS A FULL MOON AND SHE SAID DADDY WAS UP THERE SMILING DOWN ON ME! AND YOU KNOW WHAT I BELIEVED HER THEN AND I BELIEVE HER NOW! WHO CAN FORGET MOMMY TRYING TO LEARN HOW TO DRIVE WITH TAGGERT'S DRIVING SCHOOL! I STILL GET A LAUGH OUT OF THAT ONE! THE GUY TEACHING HER WAS A NERVOUS WRECK AFTER 1 DAY! THEN I REMEMBER OUR DOG MICKEY HAVING PUPPIES AND SHE WAS THE ONLY ONE ALLOWED INTO THE DOWNSTAIRS BATHROOM. IF WE WANTED TO SEE THE PUPPIES WE COULD ONLY GO IN WITH MOM! THAT WAS BECAUSE MICKEY NEW WHAT A LOVING COMPASSIONATE CARING MOTHER MOMMY WAS! OH, I REMEMBER FALLING ASLEEP IN MOMMY'S LAP AND WE HAD AN OLD WHITE AND BLACK CAR? I REMEMBER GETTING THE OLDSMOBILE THE FIRST NIGHT AND WE RODE AROUND TO UNCLE MICKEY'S HOUSE TO SHOW HIM! I BASICALLY REMEMBER A LOT, WHICH IS MY GIFT BECAUSE I WAS SOOOOO YOUNG. LUISA AND SEBASTIAN WISH YOU THE BEST B'DAY. XXXXX00000! LOVE AND CAN'T WAIT TO SEE YOU DOWN IN MD! GEORGE.

Saturday Night...
T. asked me if i would babysit the kids so he and K. could go to a concert. I thought about it, said no, unless it was something special. It was.....I am not so ready for grandmahood...especially today. But what better way to celebrate my mom, who welcomes all, rain or shine?
I cannot figure out how to work the vcr. They are taking my moving boxes and making forts. D. has given me a big wet kiss, called me Leesaaa. with his arms flung around me. L. told me it is easy to work the vcr...didnt i see the "play button?" Omigod...am i ready for this? and where is the F@@@#$@@ing button to make their movie work? Sigh. Later

Marathon, Blog 2, Sat. Night~~
I stood out in the rain, and stuck out my tongue. The raindrops tickled, sexy, and i wanted more. (Sorry, George). I felt my skin chill, and wanted, all of a sudden, to rip off my clothes and make love. ( VERY sorry, George).
My hair curled more, my tshirt was wet, and i came in to write this post. I don't care if i am cold, i don't care if my bottom is wet. At least i am alive, and trying, and never give up.
Ah, here it comes. The crashing wave of rememberance. Oh, mom,i miss you. You come to me as a redbird, your lily of the valley perfume mysteriously appears. I know i will see you again, even more important, feel your arms around me.
I could talk about the phone call; i could talk about the funeral...i could talk about finding you in your bedroom, dying. But...i would rather write about your lovlieness.later

Saturday, early evening~~
Thank you, God. It is raining, thundering, lightening, and it is perfectly expressing my heart. Rain for the healing, quenching my thirst for words to express...rain for so many tears that it takes the sky to release them. Thunder, thunder for my fist, shaking upward, asking "WHY?" waiting to sit on God's lap and get some explainations about this lifetime of mine...Thunder for the fist of anger i feel, i own, towards those that are mean and bullying and think that money can make them win. Lightening for the power, the raw SLASHING, IMMEDIATE power, to strike, to transform, to punctuate what is, and what will be.
Perhaps a marathon of words, tonight...so many thoughts/patterns, to describe, to share....
Work was a limp member, stuffed with a sock. Everyone acted like nothing had changed, nothing had happened. Are people so conditioned to abuse, that they pretend it doesn't exist? I am a girl, and i won't allow such treatment. How did the guys??? They said the boss was just "blowing smoke out of his ass"(their words, not mine,yuck). But, as they said it, their eyes scurried, and their hands fumbled...Why are they allowing it????? I don't get it.
I got to leave early; every 4th saturday is my turn. Garry tried to pay me 20 bucks to stay...NO WAY! Lenny acted like nothing had happened, either, but caught Pat on the side, and asked what i was saying...Me? I am not saying a thing. I am not a cancerian for nothing. I will bide my time. Bottom line, justice, no less then justice, will be served. Back in a moment.

Saturday Morning,
I am getting used to not being able to preview my posts..I think when blogger irons out the bugs it will be a very nice system, more colorful, anyway.
All ready for work;feel peaceful, ready, and able. I must of worked through alot of stuff in my sleep, I woke up several times, hair and body wet with sweat, eyes wide in the dark. Perhaps it's all that's happened this week, perhaps it's that it's the day Mom died. My brother and sisters always reach out on this day...our bond is unbreakable,undeniable, forever, regardless of our seperate lives. For me, it's a double edged sword,this day...because tomorrow is my birthday. I will write more later, but, right now, i am keeping my peace, i am holding onto my readiness, and putting a smile on my face. Off to work i go....

Friday Night...
Another post, unedited...can't help that, just have to go forward, anyway(even though little oj has just found the mouse, and is trying his best to sabatatouge, too)..I just picked up his little body, and took him off the computer desk...jeeeeshhhhh.
I admit, with all my fierce bravado the last two days, i am so dreading going to work tomorrow. How can i pretend that all is well? I want to spit in his face. I am going to bed in just a bit, and do alot of praying. It's not right to want to spit in someone's face. I need to let God fight this battle, not me. Going to bed with a clenched fist,mostly hot air, and a hope that my angels reign me in, so i can learn instead of loss. Later.

Friday Night~`
Pork chops fried in olive oil in a garlic/onion/flour&egg coat. Flush Red Peppers, dipped and oiled likeways, as a foil to the crusty brown entree. Last nights baked sweet potatoes, sliced, buttered, and nestled in pineapple, brown sugur, and bacon.
Cholesterol? EIKYEAHHHHHHHH! But, worth it, if you take in the value of the oils and fresh fruit, and cut the fat from the pork. Delicious doesns't have to be a diet destroyer...it takes thought, and heart, and a sweet hand flinging the seasonings, the oils, the accompniantments, to make a wonderful meal, that's sneakily good for you.
CRAP!!! i hate these unedited posts.....hope it all comes out alright...later.

Friday.
I cannot get the "preview" button to work on blogger...So, if this is filled with typographical errors, forgive me. ( It's not like i pay alot of attention to them, anyway) It is frustrating, though, to not be able to preview and adjust....But, i am so thankful to Blogger for the opportunity to write, i don't care.
I feel like i have let out of the box my evil twin...in my last posts of retribution directed towards my boss. I sense a holding in of breath, from those that read this blog. I am paranoid to think, "they won't comment, because they are scared of this mean lady". Oh, well. I promised that i wouldnt censor this blog. I have mentioned that fact before, actually. I guess i am not all happiness and light...just a person picking through her path, stopping to get rocks out of her shoes, and finding beauty and bee stings, along the way. Later.

Friday Morning~~
Last night i dreamt i wrote a book, or should i say, crafted one. I had an outline, and planned chapters, and made notes on the personalities of each character. I was concentrating deeply, and excited about the complexity of the story. I woke up remembering all that, but not what the story was about, or the characters...I tried to relax and crawl back into the dream, to no avail. Oh well...i guess it is still in my subconscious, somewhere.
I feel tired and beaten up today. Must be the stress of the meeting at work yesterday, and the appraisal...time for a little garden therapy,and maybe an afternoon nap on the front porch swing. Later.

thurs. afternoon
I have got him dead to nuts. It is illegeal in Michigan to take a deduction in pay without written consent. I don't know where i will go with this information, but, i am storing it, like a squirrel...until i need it. I cannot tolerate injustice., no matter what the personal cost. Later.

thurs. morning
I should have worn a helmut and full body gear. Good news, i am not fired, yet. He spent an hour, telling the three of us that he spent three hours yesterday with the labor relations board, and if anyone tried to oppose him,"He would go after them, and crush them like a grape". He said he got rid of his partner, he settled sbc, and the old owner, B., and we were small fish to fry. He said he had a specialized lawyer ready to sue, and files on each one of us, filled with insubordination, that he kept"off the premises". He said he was working a new deal with the old owner, and that he already had replacements for each one of us.
BOOM! was like a shotgun, fired in the face. No one said a word, except Pat, and he was quickly silenced. He told us if we didn't like it, we could leave right now. He said he has been working with people he meet on his owner trip to Aruba, and that new people brought in would be on a much different, lower, commission scale. He also said that he had feelers out for new salespeople, and "he would appreciate it if we told them to come in a fill out an application, if they called."
And that, dear friends, is why i despise window-dressing Christians. Yup, he goes to church every week, and bible study weekly. I know what he really is.
I prayed before the meeting, that God would allow the best possible outcome for all involved. I kept a rosary hidden in my hand, and managed to keep my mouth shut. I just have to stay until the refinance is done.
I feel so sorry for gary and pat, today. I got to leave, to finish cleaning up the house for the appraisal. They had to stay, to try selling themselves, the company, and the product, after been told that we are trash, easily replaced., and ruined financially in the process.
Sigh. Is this a life theme, here for me? Seems my birthday week is never a pleasant one...Oh, well. The sun is shining, the day is still young, and i will keep rolling with the punches, and make the best of it all. Keep me in your prayers....later.

Thursday Morning~~
Going to the meeting in battleship gray and bright red lips. And, my pearls, of course. Say a prayer...later.

Wednesday Night~

There are rumors running rampant that i am going to be fired tomorrow. Instead of getting our commission checks today, the boss has called a meeting for 9:30 am., to get our checks.His son said that we never had a conversation with me asking the outcome of the little old lady with the adjustable bed.., even though Pat( photographic memory) swore to both Dave and his son that we did, and Lenny told me nothing would be taken from my check... Perfect...brilliant, having to go back in there on my day off when the house appraisal is at 2pm.
It will not be in his best interests to fire me. I can't leave until after the refinance is complete, or it will scotch everything for Todd. I can have patience, i can have preservere,, but, don't mess with my children. I still have to be the main witness in one of his stupid court cases against a customer, and i WILL file for unemployment. (and get it, based on my productivity, non-absentism( i have never called off work in 20 months)and adherence to company policy.I know too much, and, if he pushes me hard enough, i will play ball so hard he will wish he never even tried to come up to bat against me. Enough is enough.

Wednesday Morning~~
Last night, as i wrote about God and Father Kevin, thunder started rolling in, and lightening flashed with each rumble. I shut down the computer to the first drops of rain. Fitting, i thought, that the sky mirrored my thoughts..the warning rumble of a storm approaching, the sharp sizzle of electricity, then the cooling release of the rain. A giant gust of wind ran through the open windows, slamming a door. The 4 windchimes on the front porch sang wildly. The patter of rain became a torrent,tears finally released, and i felt peace. Goodbye, Father Kevin. Later.

Tuesday Night~~
I have mentioned Alabama, quickly, in passing, like the shudder of a spider on the wall. My last post...well, it brought up Father Kevin.One terrible vignette in a palatte of horror those 4 years were.
Father Kevin, where are you today? Are you tucked happily in some posh Diocese, have you left the priesthood? or have you truly realized your calling, and live to your godlihood?
1970.....
I found jobs quickly babysitting. After all, i had been babysitting outside my home since age 11, and always got the same good recommendations...My most frequent job was a family from the church, with 4 kids ranging from infant to 7. Catholics drink, and smoke, and seemed to party without much thought of sinning, until confession rolled around once a week. My employers were no different, high rollers, dressed well and smelling good, while i felt the awkward preteen, home with their kids.
Father Kevin was the young parish priest, the leader of the youth choir i sang in. He started stopping by while i babysat. He let me talk and weep and ask "WHY?" about my mother's death six months before...and became not only my priest, but my confidant, my friend.
That night the children were sleeping, bathed and fed and sweet,and i began to cry...I missed my mother so much. She wasn't just my mom, she was my best friend. He held his arms out to me, and i crawled in them. He stroked my hair, and whispered little sh-sh-sh noises to the top of my head. I held him tighter. Then he kissed me, not a father kiss, but a man's kiss., and i was horrified. A deep, dark, female part of me wanted to kiss back, that virginal place ready to burst, but, all my senses screamed "NO!!" I was embarrassed...this was my PRIEST, this was God's emissary, WHAT WAS HE DOING????...He fondled me, and told me he loved me as a "sister in Christ".
I might have been a young girl, i might have been vulnerable, but i knew right from wrong.. Guilty, ashamed, wishing i was dead, i scrambled to my feet, pushing him away. They were due home in a few minutes, i said...I didn't have the courage to tell anyone. I quit the choir, and got in trouble with my aunt and uncle because of it. I hated God for 4 years, because of it. But, i never told. Before tonight. Later

Tuesday Night~
I remember being such a little girl, tiny, kneeling beside my bed, hands together, fingers pointed upward, praying to God. First i would say the Lord's Prayer, and then the Hail Mary. Then i would list all my family and friends, very careful not to forget anyone, so that God would protect them and keep them safe. Then the God/Lisa dialog would really begin. I would tell him how i wanted to be a nun like St. Teresa,( the little flower,)and spend my life in prayer. I would tell Him everything, always aware that if i wasnt"good" i would end up in hell, or at the very least, purgatory. So i always tried to please, always tried to be "good". I was the one that always shared, always gave, and lived by the golden rule, literally. I liked the idea of a quiet, peaceful life in a long black habit, too. And i would tell Him how i would live my life for Him.
Even in my darkest times, i have never given up Him up. I have been wicked, and i have been wild, and i have turned my back in anger and dispair. But those earliest times, those pristine, hand steepled talks with God, well, they glue me together in times like this. Good guys don't finish last. Tomorrow is always a promise. That's what rainbows are for.Later

Monday Night~~
Sorry, everybody. I want to write happy, i want to write funny, but, i am not a happy camper..(AGAIN,sigh). Work...what can i say? I took the 5,000 or so lost in comissions in stride, all in the day of a salesman, but...today...
The crazies are coming out of the woodwork...Just finished with the old-lady-adjustable bed debacle, and here comes two more on a deadrun. 1. Wants to return her 2,300 Serta because it is "not performing properly" causing "marital interruptis and "lack of sleep" OMIGOD???What was i, an axe murderer in my past life????? Of course, IF i can get the boss to take it back, there is another hit. I said i would forgo commission on the replacement bed, and just take the spiff..But, who knows? I don't care anymore..2.Legitimate comfort return, on one of the few remaining companies that will allow us to do it...But, she has come in FIVE TIMES, taking all my "ups", wallowing from bed to bed., driving me INSANE. To top it off, the boss just came back, and said" WE DON"T GIVE COMFORT RETURNS!!!" as i tried to explain that, yes, we did give them for that particular bed in the end of april. So, Just Shoot Me. sigh.
And then, the BEST part...I went into Deb's office, and asked (sick premonition, i guess)" SO, is Dave taking any money out of my commission check that i don't know about yet?" She had the grace to hang her head. Yup, you guessed it. Remember the little old lady, that they took the bed back from? The one they charged 250.00 dollars to pick it up and cancel the order? Well, they are taking 200.00 from my check, to try to recoup more money on their loss. I might have had BIG issues with the way the old owner treated me regarding sales, but, NEVER did he take money away from me. Lord, give me strength.

Monday Morning~~
It is gray,hot and humid out. I'll take it!! It beats gray, cold and snowing anyday, in my book. I had to laugh when i stumbled to the bathroom this morning and turned on the light. What on earth happened to my hair? I had braided it for bed the night before, and somehow the front had escaped. Looked like a rooster with a perm, and it cracked me up.
I talked it all out with Rikk yesterday. Funny how the things that attract me to someone can be the things that i find cause to fight about later. I love his solidness, his lack of drama, because he grounds me. But when a bout of insecurity hits, it's the very thing i complain about.So we compromised;He will get his computer up and going so we can maintain contact, I will let him know what i need before it becomes a full fledged drama. The truth is, i think i am a very easy woman to love, but not so easy to live with!
My sister Ange is fine, but it just occurred to me, could her emotional outburst be tied to this week of our mother's death, too? Perhaps all four of us sibling suffer subconscious earthquakes shaking our outer lives this week...
The house appraisal is set for this thursday at 2pm. It's the last leg of the refinance journey. If it goes well, it will be one more major piece of the puzzle in place for the move to maryland.
I worked on my resume last night. I hated doing it, it's very hard for me to promote myself in glowing, job-worthy terms. Oh, well. I don't like cleaning bathrooms, either, but it has to be done.
Time for that morning shower that i love so well. I am giving myself extra time, too, so i can revel in the water as it cascades down my body, so i can enjoy the creamy soap bubbles as i wash my hair, all the while lost in water-world. Later.

Sunday Morning~~
Another beautiful day out...I have to write quickly, because i have to get ready for work. Last night was a tough one. On the heel of the post about my mom, i got a panicked call from my niece in south Florida. Trouble in paradise at my younger sister's house. A spat with her husband prompted her to walk the last 2 blocks home, only she didn't go home. This is unlike my little sister, and her daughter called, crying and hysterical. I fought down my own panic, and did a visualization. I saw her to the left side of her house, near water. ( I have never been to her house). That's exactly where she was...Sitting in the dark by the water. We talked, and she's fine, but it was a very emotional 2 hours..
I called Rikk, needing his comfort, and ended up very angry that he wasn't here to support me. I am having such a hard time with our limited communication.. His computer has been down for over 6 weeks, so no more chats, and now that his son is with him, no more private talks, either, because their place is small, with nowhere to go to talk alone. I can feel myself putting up a wall, and i don't like that.
I guess i will just have to wait and see...I have too many fires in the pan right now to solve them all....Off to work i go., later

Sunday Morning, Just~~
You ever want to ruin a relationship with me? Ignore me. I don't tolerate it for very long. I need to be cherished. I need romance. I need connection. If you can't figure out how to do that., then, maybe you need some other type of loving. I have alot of thinking to do. Later.

Saturday Night,again
I want to unpublish that last post. I want to say i am sorry for writing it. I want to bury it. I won't though. I am afraid this writing every day has opened up places that have long been buried. I feel like a lone wolf,head back, sky twilight, howling at the moon....
But i never give up being part mermaid, anyway. As i write this, my feet are tucked into a cool foot massage, with soothing citrus bubbles. I knew before i started writing that i needed water close by to comfort me. Later...

Saturday Night~~
July 21,1969.A man walked on the moon, and i buried my mother. Two facts, both unfathomable,both terribly against the odds. The grownups, my grandmother, aunts, and uncles, sat at the dining room table. "I will take them all!" aunt patti said. "I will take Lisa!" said my rich aunt from Long Island. "I am not going!" said my oldest sister, Jan. They argued and talked, in stage whispers, as i sat invisible on the step, listening to every word. I heard them talk about money, and how much trouble we would be, and how hard it would be to take all three of us younger ones. Uncle Al had the legal rights. As my mom's oldest brother, she had given him guardianship of us all. Jan was 18, in love, and refused to be shipped from north jersey to Alabama.
What they didn't know was the promise i had made to my mother just weeks before. We were sitting in the dark, cuddled on the couch, talking into the night like the best friends we were. I asked the unspeakable question, filled with fears about her illness."what happens to us if you die?" She laughed and said she never would, but, just in case, "promise me, Lisa, you will take care of Andrea and George".I promised, and a great,dark loathing came over me..How selfish could i be, only thinking of myself, when she was so sick? "Of course i will, mommy" I promised..
As i sat on the steps those short weeks later, rocking and crying and holding myself tight., i knew i wasn't going to let ANYONE split us up. I had promised, and i would keep that promise.
I ran into the dining room, screaming. "STOP IT! STOP IT! JUST STOP IT!
You have to honor mommy's wishes. She wanted us kept together. The only one that can do that is Uncle Al." There was silence around the table. They knew i was right. There were no more arguments, just practical plans left to be done. And that was how i traveled that terrible road to alabama, one month later.

Friday Night~~
It's almost nine-thirty pm., and the "rosy little glow" has turned into an all out forest fire.!Guess it's been longer then i thought since i was out in sun...Is it a cool bath with white vinegar? or oil myself down? Or perhaps, vinegar AND oil in the bath, the salad dressing cure?
I don't know, but time to get these clothes off and find SOME relief...Later

Friday Early Evening~~
Do i really have the courage to leave this place? It is very beautiful, this magical little cottage. The blackberries on the side of the garage are ripening, and everywhere i look, i see beauty that i have planted, nur
tured,and patiently seen to fruition. Wouldn't it be wiser to stay safe? Safe in what i know, safe in the familiar? Work is horrible,and the winters destroy me,but...at least they are known dangers..right?
Besides, only three hours from Rikk, instead of 15..and,.aren't i too old to begin again? I have friends here, too..and I will miss Todd...
Sigh. it's no use. I do have the courage. I hear the call, the heart whisper,that's it's time for a new beginning. I can make magic anew. I can leave here, knowing that i did a good job., with my children, with this home, with the challenges at work that i have faced.
Time to go to the sea, to walk with the ponies on the beach, to go to the next chapter. I am still scared,, though.Later...

Friday Morning~~
I love listening to music in my jammies with my morning coffee as i write. This morning it's Mars Lasar., sexy new age instrumental, that makes me feel like slipping on a backpack and adventuring.
I know one place i won't be adventuring to very often, though...E-BAY!!!
I now own 15 antique hatpins(one topped with a glass fox)an antique fox wildlife engraving, two fox books, and a antique photo of a Canadian fox farm...LOL!I am very disaplined when it comes to shopping, though. I hate malls, and my innate thriftiness won't allow me to buy things new when there are so many interesting thrift shops around. Some of my best outfits come from the Salvation Army, some of my most cherished furnishing from garage sales. As long as my house is cozy, i'm happy.
The sun is bright and beautiful, and i am heading to the beach!!Yippie!!!!!!!!!! Later.

Thursday,early Evening~~
OMIGOD!!!!!!!!!i have just discovered E-Bay....This is a very dangerous place for a confirmed garage-sailor...I have already bought a 1882 print of a Fox, and have a bid on a collection of antique hatpins(one being a fox), fox fabric, a child's book titled"The Brave Fox", and an antique book called "Mountain Girl" by Genevive Fox. I am in big trouble. I bid with abandon, but never went over Seven dollars and 18 cents...
Don't laugh...with the refinance so close, and trying to pay off the 800.00 car in full, PLUS pay the 1200 for the mortgage, 400.00 for the Intrepid i don't drive, before eating, paying electric, ect.., i have no business on E-bay.
Sure was fun, though. Yippie-I-Oh-Ki-A!!!!!!!!!(That is vintage 50's American slang for "holy crap, i am riding rough and loving it!"
Oh, well...call it an early birthday present to myself..
NOTE: if any of you are in similar financial straits...DON'T GO TO EBAY!!!! Later.....wink, wink....

Thursday Afternoon~~
It just occured to me...If someone was stalking me, i have given way too much information away. May God and the angels keep me safe...........

Thursday afternoon~~
Brooklyn and I decided to target tomorrow as a better beach day. I don't think i will make the movie, and, i guess shamefully, i don't want to go to a movie alone. We independant women are supposed to cheerfully, purposefully, enjoy such pastimes..i think they have even written articles about it. Not me. I want to go to a dark movie theater with a lover, hold hands, get a sneaky kiss on the neck, or maybe a slow caress on my thigh...or go with a girlfriend, someone who is as comfortable as an old flannel nightgown,a fireplace, and a good book. Both exquisite pleasures, just different.
Right now i am plowing through the computer room, tackling the piles and piles of stuff, and finding little strings to my heart. Recipes for baked beans, spiritual stories tucked into folders, long forgotten bills paid, (and unpaid..uhoh!),photos of the kids, tucked into quickly scribbled recipes....I can't die, for at least another 50 years. It would be too much of a job to get rid of my "Stuff".
Justin, Todd....i write all these words, this entire blog, as a matter of fact., in an effort for you to know your momma...I am not just the one who loves you, no matter what...I am not just the one that says"NO!...I am not just the cook, maid, phycologist(damn, could never spell that word),keeper of all things familiar....I am a woman, with a heart and mind and soul that you just don't really know....It is too much to fathom now, but, believe me, someday you will ache and wonder and ponder..."what was she REALLY like?"
Well, this blog tells you...make your own assessments...
I am not planning to die or anything, though, just the fact that i am writing this makes me nervous...self-fulfilling prophesies and all....
Back to all my "stuff"...later

Thursday Morning~~
My day off, and i was excited because i made plans to go to the lake with my friend Kathleen(aka Brooklyn). A long, lazy day, swimming, girl-yakking, reading..all the while doing a slow, warm bake in the sun.
Not to be, sigh...I'm wearing jeans and a sweatshirt, and its cold and gloomy out. sighh...That's okay, just have to switch gears to plan B. Clean the house, go to the bank, pack somemore, and then, maybe a movie in the afternoon....something dramatic and epic with a little smooching and romance thrown in..
Better get to it...the day's 'awastin.....Later

Wednesday night~~
This is silly, but,...i just wanted to give everybody a big hug and kiss goodnight...Sweet Dreams!!! And never forget, tomorrow, ah tomorrow, that glorious chance to make it all better......xxxxx

wednesday night~~(dedicated to divaheart)
Cleaning, a woman's meditation....None of us like to clean...but, once we start, there is a beauty, a peace, to cleaning...We start because we can't stand the clutter anymore, we see it as a symbol of our lives...cluttered, dirty, uncared for...a state that not a woman i know can tolerate for long. The dirty fingerprints along the front door become a lover's betrayal, the ring around the tub our financial worries...and the pile of laundry, spilling from the basket and growing like fungus on the bedroom floor...our inability to take charge of our lives.
So, we clean. We clean hard, too.On hands and knees, we attack the dirt that a quick "pick-up-the-house-it's-fine" doesn't even begin to cover.
With each swipe of the cloth, with each spray of bleach, we clean away our sorrow, and our anger, our tears incorporated into the scent of disinfectant, and we make things...Clean.
We become the women that we want to be.(We dream this as we clean) Our children are happy, our partners revel in our perfection. Our makeup is perfect, and our careers are fortune 500 dreamscopes.
We clean some more. Tired, now, we realize that we cannot change our lover's betrayals, our anxieties about money, our children's sucesses or failures, our makeup, the size of our bums, or the fact that our careers might be just a way to survive.
But, a sweet, clean scent wafts through the house. All is in order, and our homes look like just that...well cared for, tidy, HOMES....not the dives we felt hopeless in when we started.
What did we accomplish? Probably saved a few boyfriends, children, and bosses...The cleaning time didn't just make us tired, it gave us time to think, to meditate, to really decide what needed to be an issue, and what, well...just needed a bit of a scrub..... Later....

Tuesday Night~~
I didn't get to write this morning, because my sister called, and i preferred talking to her...though, all the while, sentences raced in my head...When people talk to me, i do some weird mental exercises...I translate their stories.. saving, cataloging, editing,writing them, deep inside.Some i would never tell, because they gave me their deepest heart, and that is sacred, other bits, i use, enjoy, taste, delight in.
Today was such a PEOPLE day...Glorious!!! The young girl, Leah, who needed a job, sleeping on blankets in an empty apartment, that i hooked up with a waitress job...only to find her Dad owns a resort in the Upper Pennisula..(she didnt want to ask him for more money)The woman that cried on the phone...telling me a horror story of beatings, sexual abuse, and illness, while i listened, dumbfounded, wondering how in the world i got into the conversation, helplessly praying for her....(it all started out with her asking for the cheapest twin mattress)..The lady who i sold a bed to, over a year ago, that had a comfort return, and we exchanged it for the bed that I own,(not MY bed, the same model) that told me her new boyfriend had to have the exact bed, for when she slept at his house....only to find she ran a plant business, and will hire justin for the summer...The list goes on and on.....and at the same time, i had a very good sales day, did my ordering, revamped the futon room, and helped edit the advertising and give my imput on changes within the commission structure...
I am so tired my eyes are crossed....I made a new friend, too...a rep for a furniture company that has given us some serious delivery trials...
He is sending me a (GUESS WHAT!) cardinals t-shirt...because he lives in St. Louis....i will wear the shirt proudly....
Baby kitty is doing his nursing/thumb thing...jeeeshhh...what's a mother to do? Later......

Monday night~~
it is hard to type, because baby orange kitty is nursing on my thumb.He is insistant, and won't let go, and as i drag my thumb to the keyboard, he comes with it. He suckles like a human baby, with those sweet, moist sounds, and the gentle pressure of insatiable need. Some day, my boys will read this post...Will they be horrified? Will they see Oepedius incarnate, rearing his ugly head? Or can i somehow describe the sonata of joy, the utter serenity, of a baby at my breast?
So... i will try.....
1982....
You will not take formula, and i only tried it because the doctors said it was best...one taste, and you spit it out, and you don't like being alone in your crib, either. Your face reddens in rage, and i know what to do. Wrapped in my arms, snuggled deep in my bed, mouth to me, you drink deep, listening to the beating of my heart. You quiet, and i ...i feel ferocious, the need to protect and feed and keep you safe almost a growl in my throat,intwinded with a peace, so deep, a sense of belonging, so endless, that all i can do is let you drink...both of us wordless, speaking volumes......
Baby kitty is sleeping, chin touching the desk....as so should i be...Oh, and...( SORRY, GEORGE!)i know u will hate this one, lol....Later

Monday Morning~
The BOOM BOOM BOOM of the fireworkers is finally over. My neighborhood is a throwback from the fifties...Small ranch and bungalows,neat little lawns,encircled by towering maples you can't get your arms around.Carefully tended gardens, with tomato plants and sunflowers and lots of rosebushes. People here borrow weed-wackers and sugur, and lean on their rakes to talk over the fence. I like that. Even after the royalties start coming in from my first book( optimism at it's best),I will NEVER live in one of those huge musoleums they call a home now. You know the ones, the "Thank God i don't drink because I would stumble into the wrong house" kinda yuppie mansions,that all look alike except for the color of the door and designer landscaping treatment. Give me an old house with creaky wooden floors and some individuality any day. Give me neighbors that are really neighbors, any day. I don't even think all of us lock our doors here, though that might just be denial of our violent society.
Told Rikk on the phone last night about giving away the Dodge colt. I wasn't looking forward to it, because i knew the Scot/Dutchman in him was going to freak. "You GAVE it away???" I think the quote he used after that was "No good deed will go unpunished". Modern translation, " Good guys finish last". I have heard that incredulous tone before, when i do things like that, from my sisters, especially. Almost like they are dealing with a mentally impaired child. I don't care, really. I never deny that heart voice inside. It keeps my hand in God's, somehow. Off to work i go.....Later.

Happy 4th!!
I just said goodbye to my 1989 dodge colt hatchback. Say goodbye to a car? You bet. That car was more loyal then most men i have known. After i left the mattress store for the 2nd time, i fell into a terrible financial state. My brand new intrepid was repossessed. My house in jeopardy, narrowly escaping foreclosure. I was working at the gourmet catering firm, loving it, but trying desperately to pay my bills. I never thought i would see the mattress store again, but then i got the call. New owners...owners who had heard about my reputation in sales. "would i come back?" I didn't want to. I was struggling so much financially, cooking, but, i had lost 20 lbs, in sheer hard work and exuberance, and looked forward to each day...creating, tasting, being ALIVE in my work.I knew if i went back i would gain weight again, with the 11 hours a day eating junkfood on the fly, the pains would come back in my neck and shoulders, the association with cutthroat, immoral people would be my life.
I did it anyway. My kids needed more then my excuses "i don't have the money" They needed groceries, not my 101 ways with pasta and a can of tuna fish. I wanted the simple amenities back, cable tv, garbage pickup(my neighbors let me put my garbage with theirs).,
And that little car? I had been driving the company catering van after my car was repo'd. I had to give it back, of course, when i started at that mattress store. So...no money built up in commissions yet, i begged rides from my coworkers and friends. Hard to do, because i don't like to ask anyone for anything. I ended up at a little used car lot. I had to be at work in one hour. "what do you have that runs, for 400.oo dollars?" i asked. The salesman's name was Raz(swear to God). He tried everything to step me up to a car with payments., even with my bad credit. " I don't think i made myself clear", i said." I have 400.00 dollars. Thats it. What can i drive off the lot for that?" It was December 11th, and the snow was gently billowing from the gray clouds. He led me to the back lot, and i grabbed his arm to keep from slipping in my heels. And there it was...a mediocre brown, tiny dodge colt. "I'll TAKE it!" i said. We did the paperwork, Raz shaking his head in disapproval, and then handed me the key. "You do drive stick, right?"
Oh sweet God in Heaven Above! I hadn't driven stick since Todd was a baby....YEARS AGO....."Sure do" I said...i just need a quick lesson.."How do i get in reverse?"..
Twenty minutes left to get to work...I drove that little car right off the lot, with a paper tag in the rear window. I stalled, and humped, and shook all the way to work, but i made it. The brakes were bad, the radiator leaked, and the speedometer only worked in warm weather. But it never left me by the roadside, and always got me where i wanted to go.
It needs a new home, with a guy that will take care of it, fix it, understand it. I bought a 800.00 car, and i have to confess i don't like it much, but, it will do, for now.
The colt's new home? I gave it away, to the young delivery guy at work. He hasn't any money, and he is newly married with a baby. I know everyone thinks i am crazy for not selling it, but, it came to me as a gift...who but the angels could have made a 400.00 car last almost 2 years with no repairs? So a gift it will remain, to be passed on....Later.

Saturday Night~~
The sun is sinking, and i guess i have been, too. I know somewhere there are parties, and fireworks, but, i am home alone. I feel like i was dropped off on a deserted island, yet, somewhere close, yachts are motoring by...The boys are out, and half of me is glad, because i can have quiet time, the other half....pissy. Well, i have a choice., either mope around, or use the time to be happy. I choose happy. I don't want to go to the fireworks alone, it's just too sad. I am going to blast Louie Armstrong, dance a little, and who knows? .
Ps..the only reason i wrote this blog tonight was because i promised myself NOTHING would stop me from writing everyday, unless i had no computer to do it with......Later.

Friday Night~~
One of these days i will stop....just never stop seeing things that can be cleaned, fixed, or made better, i guess. Today's project was sorting, dusting, and packing my cookbooks..I seperated them into catagories...baking, international, regional, how to, specialty, ect. Yikes! How did i collect so many? 132 boxed already, and each one's an old and valued friend. I am sure i have some in my bedroom, too...sigh. I am yawning like mad, and it's time for a nice cool shower and maybe a little tv...See you tomorrow!

Friday morning~~
I have been uncomfortable with my thoughts about Rikk the last week or so. Nebulous thoughts, unwelcome ones, swirling like gnats around my head. Most of all, i have felt....disconnected. A long distance relationship is never easy, at it's best. I grocery shop, i garden, i cook, i sleep, with a ghost partner at my side.One cup of coffee poured, my hand, unheld.
He will be in canada another two years raising his son, M. He hasn't gotten the waiver to visit me yet, either. When i move to maryland, we will be a 15 hour drive from each other, instead of 3.
These are all things i can handle, because when i love, i really love, and i can wait. But, the feeling of "disconnect"..that is much harder to deal with. I am having a hard time expressing my feelings with this post, but i guess what i need is...to feel cherished. I need the unexpected card, the call saying "i love you", the reassurance that we are together, even though apart. That's why the feeling of disconnect, i guess. Intimacy, true intimacy, has been elusive in my life. I get close, very close, then pull back. It's safer that way....if you don't love completely, you won't be hurt when they leave..all goes back to the death of my father at 11, and mom at 13, i suppose.
Rikk called last night, and i could feel his unease, too. It took us ten minutes to slip into warmth,because i wasn't my warm,wicked self..more cautious, and cool. Just like my astrological namesake, the crab..withdrawing into my shell..I gathered my courage and told him what i was feeling, instead of holding it in like i normally would do. Ah, connection again...mentally sitting in his lap, my head on his shoulder..And that's the best i am going to get, right now.....Later

Thursday Night~~
Ah, fresh out of the shower, delicious! Girly style, too, not my no nonsense work shower in the am...Took my time slathering soap, sang with the plastic fish radio pasted to the shower wall, and afterwards a lavish creaming with lotions and oils. So here i sit, damp-haired and sweet, ready to call it a day. I lied...i didn't go play. I compromised, called the yard work play, and cleaned out the garage. That is one horrible place. Spiders, lots and lots of spiders. Big ones, skinny legged ones, suspicious black widow types and all of them just eyeballing me...No one can tell me they are like other insects. Roaches, centipides, bees, earwigs...i can face them with barely a shudder, but put me within two feet of a spider and i am jumping and doing that primal fight or flight posturing. You know why? They are smart, that's why. They think. They feel, and they know i am afraid. What better way to get a chuckle then to jump on a giant? Better yet, one with yards of hair to run rampant in. Yuck. At least it's done. Things to leave for Todd and Kimberly on the left, things to sell in the center, things to take to maryland on the right. One more big thing accomplished...My book is calling, my water is ice cold, and my feet are going to be UPPPPPPPP. Later.

Thursday afternoon~~
So many things to see!!!!!!!Bumblebee's burrowed under the shed, where they nest(one great big fat momma bee, and smaller ones laden with honey)I didnt know they could nest underground! Yellow and purple butterflies, and dragonflies lighting on the fairy perched on the wishing well. The first italian plum tomatoes, only a thumb long, laughing at their slower brothers, the beefsteak and grape tomatoes..First little hot peppers, getting ready to spark and fire, heating up the summer palate, later to be twisted into an edible wreath.
Three times i thought i saw an animal watching me, hanging with me., something reddish the size of a raccoon. Must have been a shadow...because when i turned to look nothing was there. I am too happy to eat, as i play outside...or...is it work disguised as play? the best of two worlds....later.

Thursday Morning,again~~
The sky is a washed out blue, with rich,strong sunlight filtering through the maples in the backyard. There is a window to my left, nose-level, and i often gaze outside, be it sun or moon. I have on my too-tight running shorts, and a baggy old mow the lawn, play in the garden tshirt. I love my days off....I promise myself not to get caught up in errands or work today...I need to PLAY....later.

Thursday Morning~~
Woken up by sharp little love bites by baby orange kitty. At my feet, Link, black as night, bright green eyes fixed on me. Coconut by my head, purring. Quite the feline nest last night, apparently. Morning ritual as they led the way into the kitchen.."sorry, kittys, you know the routine, no food til the coffee's going" They wind around my legs, meowing pitifully, as i spoon the coffee into the pot. They hear the CLICK of the on button, and their meowwwww's crescendo..knowing their breakfast is almost here..
Life's little routines, lovely.

Wednesday Night~~ it's late for me, and i am very tired. I read a blog tonight that made me very sad, and it made me think of something that happened yesterday that made me sad, too. A woman came into the store, harried, blonde,no makeup..She looked distracted, yet intent, a woman on a mission. Great, i thought, "another low-end sale". Shame on me. I am there to help, to facilitate, regardless of wheither it is 200 dollars or two thousand. She wanted a sturdy wooden daybed, and we picked one out together. She gave the daybed a firm shake, and decided it would be perfect. Then she told me her story....
It was for her daughter, 21. A pixie girl, with long brown hair and smiling dark eyes. She had seizures, and last sunday had been a record, 56 in a 24 hour period. She didn't have long left to live, and her mom wanted her safe and comfortable.
I tried to write the invoice, but my eyes were filled up. Her daughter had a bad dose of serum as a baby, and it had caused massive damage. I thought of my own situations, my worries about my children, and realized how lucky i was. I saw God's hands, opened wide,showing me, once again, all i have to be thankful for.
I told her i would pray for her daughter., and i thanked her. Angels come in so many different ways. We just have to open our hearts...and see.
Later.

Tuesday Night~~
Listening to classic R&B...Sam & Dave.,"Hold on, I'm Coming"..I am dancing in my seat, doing a solitary flirt, pouting my lips and swinging my hips. I am glad no one can see me, because i know men have testosterone,but we women, well, when we are feeling..(hot, sultry, sexy,) I don't think we can attribute it to a simple hormone...it involves our WHOLE BEING.
It must be the moon..it is almost full, a luminous Necco disc, just ripe for licking.Best i stay in my seat, swaying to the music, letting my fingers caress the keyboard, safely.
(sorry, george) George is my brother. My only brother. My baby brother. He reads this every day, my first devotee. I promised myself one thing when i began writing...that i would never censor this blog. Having George read this is a challenge, because it's like looking your priest or your child in the eye and discuss ...well, the things that make me a total female. I tend to show a pollyanna self to the world...That Catholic upbringing sure raises it's head sometimes!
Oh, great...Barry White just started playing. I love Barry White. Men scoff at him, but, he knows what women want. His voice is insistant, encouraging, he tells us to "do it" he says he will keep us pleased, he tells us he is focused entirely on us...we are SPECIAL..
This is terrible. I never intended to write this tonight, actually, i was planning on writing about WHERE i write...to discribe the room, to let you into the writing place...The oyster where the pearl sits.I am speechless. This blog has taken on a life of itself....Later......

YEAHHHHH Kimberly helped me click and drag...this is the beach in MARYLAND...hugs and kisses, Kim..... 

Monday Night~~
Ok. I admit it. Not only am i hooked on blogging, i am hooked on the comments i get from blogging. I look forward to checking to see if anyone has read this. It's like christmas morning every day, tiptoeing to the tree.
Really rotten day at work. Since my bangup return from holiday 4 days ago, it's been one lowend customer after another...excruciating. To top it off, another 2,000 dollar cancelation, (just didnt like it, went back to their old latex bed) and the 4,800 thous. tempurpedic king adjustable sale that was delivered today was defective. JEESHHH! That was going on this month's delivered, but not now. To top it off, the customer refused to pay the balance, until it's fixed. I understand, of course...but that means our product is sittting in HER house, not paid for. Guess i am back in the hot seat again. sigh.
Oh well, what is it that i say with unflagging optimism? Tomorrow, always tomorrow, will be another day.......Into the tub i go, vanilla bubbles and some hot earl grey tea.......later.

Monday Morning~~
Rough morning. Long discussion with J. on maryland, life, you name it. At his exact age i was stealthily planning my escape from Alabama. Alabama was where i was shipped, with my brother and sister, after my mom died. A very bad place.........
Am i ready to talk about it? I don't know. Time to put on my happy face and go sell beds. Wearing a soft yellow sweater, with pearl and citrine earrings that my cousin Kelly gave me years ago. I guess i am a true cancerian...i never forget a kindness, and even though i might forgive an injustice, i never forget that, either...Off to work i go.

Sunday afternoon~~
I just got home from work, and i find myself filled with a divine discontentment. I just want to GO....i don't want to finish up all the stuff here in michigan...I hate having to work at the mattress store for the rest of the summer. If i could magically find 10,000 dollars, that would be all it would take...to set up the account to take care of the house here, to buy a decent vehicle, to pay bills and have a bit of a cushion to start off with....How can somebody that works so hard be poor? It all goes back to "work smarter, not harder", i guess. I have given too much away, of my material things, and my talents, to have accrued the bank account i need right now. I am feeling very alone and meloncholy. Nothing to do with those feelings, except channel them into pressing forward, to my goal.
These are the times i submerge, while the storm rages above the blue line of the water. I lose my legs, and my powerful mermaid tail propels me forward..I open my lips slightly, and the cold water swirls in my mouth. My arms stroke tightly, and i dive to the bottom, with my pearls touching the sand. I am peaceful, home, with tiny seahorses clinging to my hair, heralding my progress. I am peaceful, home.No, i am just a crazy girl, trying to make it all work.

Sunday Morning~~
I didn't go to the graduation party last night. My motives for going bothered me. The only reason i was going to go was for political reasons, to keep a tenative hold on my job. Instead, i sent a giftcard, and let it go. I went home and cooked, greek grilled chicken breasts, meatloaf, and sirloin burgers. I puttered around my house, and even read a chapter in my mystery book. My girlfriend Mary heard i was moving to maryland, and invited me over for a long overdue chat. We have been friends for years, the kind of friends that know no boundries of time or commitment, always able to connect, regardless. We drank coffee on her deck in the dark, snuggled in blankets against the chill michigan air. I will miss her.

Saturday Morning~~
It's bright, and so beautiful out today. I wish i could stay home and enjoy the fruits of yesterday's labors, but, work calls. Afterwards, we are all going to the boss's son's graduation party. I don't want to go. It will be the first time i have seen him since the old-lady-with-the-bed/denying me the credit card fiasco. Oh well, ought to be interesting. Later......

Friday NIght~~
I stayed outside all day today..There was more work then i thought! But it was a pleasure, working my muscles, making everything tidy and healthy as the sun shone down on me. I'm tired now, though. Just the dishes and clean the bathroom...a few minutes of that mystery novel, and zzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Friday Morning~~
Just after 8 am and i already have half the backyard mowed.All my flowerbeds need weeding, and i think all my green babies have missed me. I have a MILLION things to do today, on my day off. I am just going to take it one step at a time..or else i will fall prey to overload and overwhelm, and get nothing accomplished but a case of nerves. Maybe tonight a picnic dinner under the willow tree at Swan park...It's a beautiful spot where the lake meets the land, the best of two worlds. I will bring a no-brainer mystery novel, and let go of all the excitement in my head for awhile. That is, if i get the gardening, cleaning, cooking, bill paying, blah, blah blah done first...Later!

Thursday Nite~~
One more, just one more blog for the nite. I want to tell a story about when i was traveling in Morocco at 22..I was traveling with my boyfriend, Bob, and we were in Marrekeesh, deep in the medina. You can get lost in the medina, or marketplace, forever. Narrow , ancient brick walkways, covered, so the impression was of a maze, impossible to track. We sat in a tiny shop, with a merchant who dealt in oriental rugs. He served us hot mint tea in tiny cups, so sweet it made my teeth ache. Bob was ten years older then i, and fancied himself a great negotiator.(He later became my first husband, but, THAT'S another story). All the while, our arab host with his dark, steamy eyes kept sweeping messages towards me. Bob was a very jelous man, and we had just had a whopping arguement that morning about our travel plans. Hamid reached into his jealoba(traditional man's coat) and pulled out a handful of gems. I was dumbfounded! He asked for me in trade, the rugs and the gems, for me. I looked deep in Bob's eyes, and i knew that for JUST ONE SECOND he wanted to trade me. It is one thing to fantasize about being taken into white slavery, another thing to live the posibility..I gave him that "couple" look....a look that said"if you don't get me out of here right this minute i will make your life so miserable you will wish you were never born" Bob told him i was "too valuable" to trade..We got the rugs, though. We had them shipped back to the states, and when we divorced, i gave them to him. Very few people know that story...but i can still taste the tea, i can still feel the fear and the excitement, i can still see the colours of the gems sparkling in his large, brown hand....Later..

thursday nite~~
I know my brother reads my blogs, and i occasionally make him blush. (Sorry, George.) My sensuality will always be a part of me, i breathe it. I feel very sorry for women who worry about their age..you are always sexy, always beautiful, if you just see the different seasons as beautiful unto themself. Who can tell me that spring is more beautiful then fall? That one perfect red leaf, fallen from a tree, is more exquistite then the yellow daffodil of spring? The lushness of a red tomato from a hot july garden more glorious then the first snowfall of winter?Each are perfect. Each are exquisite. Each are delicious. The trick is to pick the right people.. in the right seasons, to appreciate it with. I don't have to cut my hair because i am not young anymore. I don't have to try to be serious, and wear sensible shoes. I like little lacy panties and jeans. I will wear them till i am eighty. And, of course, my pearls.
Maybe a cold bath for the mermaid tonight....later......

Thursday nite~~
There is nothing like a warm little pussycat asleep on your lap.Little orange kitty is snuggled up, and i love it. I couldn't wait to get home and write...the last two days were tough ones at work. I had a comfort return yesterday, which means you have to help someone choose a new mattress, find a way to not LOSE money by them choosing a less expensive set, and do it as quickly as possible so you don't lose an "up" while you are doing it. Handled alot of customer service issues too, and followed up with manufacturers.
Today, my first task was to process another cancelation...a king tempurpedic set of mine...2,ooo dollars , POOF! gone from my commission. What can you do? i could have let it make me miserable, but, a salesperson who looks defeated IS defeated, so i kept up my spirits. Twin after twin mattress sales "What's your cheapest twin?" was the mantra today...while Pat had people coming in saying "I need two queen sets, one for me and one for my wife, and a full set for the guest room"..JEEESHHHHHH! I still did my best, and kept my faith that God will take care of me tucked tight to my heart, because, somehow, He always does.
The ultimate temptation came at five minutes to nine pm, just FIVE minutes before closing time. One of Garry's customer's came in with his card to show her husband the bed she had looked at on tuesday with him. For a minute, i was tempted...It would have been so easy to chat them up, have them try a few more beds, and take half the sale.Doing the wrong thing is so easy to rationalize..."but he has stolen so much from me!" "but, i gave him extra ups tuesday because he couldnt sell a thing!" The bottom line is, two wrongs don't make a right. I wrote up the sale in his name, only.God will take care of me, right? sigh....later.

Wednesday Night~~
I am lonely tonight. I want to be held, to be kissed, to have someone put their arm around me because i am their lady.I am tired of being strong, and capable, and the rock others depend on. I have made my choice to be with Rikk, and to be loyal and loving though we are seperated, so, i will have to deal with it. Time for a long bath and bubbles and a serious peptalk with myself. Guess i am just tired of being a "one". Later...

Wednesday Morning~~
Wanted to mention...Remember the little old lady who wanted to return her bed? After all that fuss (and i am still in trouble over it!) Lenny told me they took it back, and charged her 250.00 for the trouble. She ended up happy with the store, and they are going to donate the mattress for a tax write-off. It would have been so much easier if they had done that in the first place, like i suggested...oh, well...it ended okay, and that's what matters.
G. was back to his old self, grouchy and negative.Deb and Lenny seem to be deepening their business relationship, and Dave is still in the hospital..Me? I was totally focused on sales, and let all else float away. I laughed and made friends with all the strangers who came through the door, just by being myself. I wrote 3,400.~~ not a bad day at all.Time to jump in the shower and do it again...later.

Wednesday morning~~
Stayed up too late last night, talking to Todd and his girlfriend. He mentioned his left arm was aching, and that scared me. When he was 11, he was diagnosed with ventricular tachycardia. In essence, its a misfire in the heart's electrical system,causing it to race. He took pills to control it for 5 years, and then at 16 decided he was healed...It was a miracle, because, he WAS. That was a tough 5 years, not knowing if my child was going to die, and trying to just go about the everyday business of life.
Those first days of his illness, the ride in the ambulance, the week in intensive care..no money, no insurance, and a husband who came to the hospital reeking of vodka..Prayer was my constant companion,my way through it all..as it remains today.

the mountains as i traveled... 

Tuesday Morning~~
Good Morning, world! Before first impressions fade, more on maryland. We arrived friday, mid afternoon. I walked up the wide brick steps to the porch, and into the house.. A dream come true..There were the sunlit rooms with buttercream walls and high ceilings. Creaky oak floors and cutglass doorknobs. The fireplace, and the dining room built for good food, laughter, and best of all, family. And that was the essence of the whole trip.Family, that ever expanding tribe I belong to.
The natural beauty of the area? Imagine walking on a sugursand beach, with a herd of wild ponies beside you. Listen to the sea whisper it's secrets. Smell the salt in the air, as the wind blows your hair.
It's calling me home.

Sunday Night.~
Home safe. Too tired, too wired, to write. I am just going to copy the beginning of my trip, that i wrote longhand, in desperation to blog, thursday nite.
Thursday, 10pm.
" I am writing this in true mermaid fashion, sitting in the bathtub of the Red Roof Inn, in Monroeville,Pa.The tub is not deep, but the water is hot, and embraces me. Justin and I should still be on the road, about 2 hours from Berlin, Md, but we ran into such ferocious rain in the mountains we finally said," Enough."
What has me still shaking, though, is this. We left at 2pm, sunny skies and high spirits. Justin is a fabulous copilot, and played music that perfectly fit our mood. At 7:15 pm, we stopped for gas, and that's when the sky began to gush. Twice I lost sight, as a sheet of water covered the windshield. No choice, just grip the wheel and point forward, unseeing. We had just gotten into the Pittsburgh area, which is near the Allegany Mountains.Traffic stopped, and then we saw it...A red compact car, crushed, with 4 firemen and the jaws of life, trying to extract a woman trapped in the drivers seat. One minute later,we gazed in horror at the cause... a semi, flipped, wheels still spinning..Who hit who? Was it the rain, jetting 10 feet high over the median, and the flash flood spilling over the roadway? Was it the darkening mountain mist, or the foolishness of 80 miles an hour in hazardous conditons? And what about me, so frightened and so game, traveling these mountains that others take for granted,( not afraid to drive? )All I know is, 15 minutes before we saw the accident, J. and I were alone on the freeway, somehow escaping the rush of cars. The clouds had rolled in, the sky black as pitch to the east, where we were headed.And suddenly, there it was, a perfect double rainbow, framed by mountain mist and placid farmland. I slowed, and J. shot pictures, in awe of the magic in the sky. Did that 15 minutes keep US from being that little red car? That was the slim window of opportunity. Did the angels save us?Was it just simple timing? Hmmn.....
And that was the start of the trip....tomorrow, always tomorrow., this mermaid is going to take off her clothes, snuggle deep in her familiar, lovely bed...and sleep. Later..

Thursday afternoon~~
This mermaid is swimming to the open sea. Please pray for a safe and illuminating trip. I will be back on monday. I miss you all...and i dont even know who you are. (but i am going to try to find a library with internet access, lol.)I am ready. I am scared. I am going.

Wednesday Night~~
Sleepy, sensual, tired, tonight. The eve of a trip(anywhere) makes me excited...What will i see? what will i feel? what will i learn? I confess, i am terrified of driving. I am terrified of being a woman alone. I am terrified...well, of the unknown. But, i am doing it anyway. If i didn't, it would be like refusing to grow a garden, because a bee might sting you. Is the sting fatal? Or is it just a pinch, grown to gargantuan proportians because of the fear of the stinger?
I said i was sleepy...that's understandable, with my work schedule. Sensual?Adventure always makes me feel wicked, wild, ready. Tired? Oh, lord, i am not packed or finished everything.....I am going to give it up. Braid my hair.(it's too hot). Brush my teeth. Say my prayers. My prayer is..."dear God, bless this journey." Amen. ....Later

Wednesday Morning~~
Here i am, doing my fine and well practiced Chicken Little impersonation. So much to do!! I just keep clucking and running in circles. The two back to back 11 hour work days don't help(today will be three,jeezzz...Justin gets an "atta boy" today..Last night i came home to a clean house, and dinner cooked..his first lone attempt at culinary genius. Roasted boneless pork ribs in a savory lemon pepper au jus with mushrooms. I avoid pork, but, it was excellant! He said he was exhausted, and cleaning house was hard work..HA! It did my heart good to see him on his hands and knees, cleaning the bathroom floor. Walk in my moccassins, little indian, it's good for you. I want to write more, but, off to work i go...

Tuesday Night~~
They say that men think about sex every 5 minutes. I have asked men i know about that statistic, and they usually nod "yes" but fail to go into any detail. Could it be true? The only thing i can think of is that we women are wired very differently, because, i know I don't think about sex every 5 minutes. Maybe the other part of that is the penis. I mean, we are tucked in...and tuck ourselves in even tighter with panties and pantyhose.To pee can be a ritual in itself, peeling the layers. But a man? He wakes up more often then not with a lovely exclamation mark of his maleness, and every time he moves, feels the weight and swing. I wish, just for a tiny second, i could have one, because it looks like so much fun to play with!(attached, i mean)I am glad i am a woman, though. I like being secret, and protected, and not easy to get to. I have no earthly idea why i even thought of this subject tonight..Maybe it was the ride home from work, the sun a violent tangerine circle, plunging into the coulds. It made me think of passion,of possession, of entrance. I miss Rikk. I hesitate to write this, because i know i am showing part of that secret me, that i don't share. It's too late now. I will write, i will write, i WILL write. Later...

Monday Damn Night~~
I am not finished. What Dave (the boss) did to me, demoralized Garry and Debbie. They both offered me their credit cards,(which i refused). Instead, i told them"let this be a lesson to you...if he can do this to me, he can do it to you." A funeral pall settled over the store, and I don't think Dave will ever recoup from the loss of security each of us felt.
But, naive little never giving up warrior that i am....I found a car company that will take my cash(and my debit card)...It is not final yet, but i will try tomorrow. And for those of you that are laughing, (though i am sure not maliciously)..It is Hertz....in case you ever have the need to rent a car without all the approved credit to do so. See how it works? I just gave a referral to Hertz...Enterprize gets a thumbs down., because of their stringent requirements...and the place i work? well.....who was it that said it so eloquently? " instant karma's gonna get you.". I am finished now.....thank God for Moonlight sonata...as it cools this passionate fire of mine.

Monday Night~~
When the cosmic wrecking ball hits, why aren't we given at least a "HEAD'S UP!!" Today I finalized my reservations to rent a car for the trip to maryland this thursday...My boss was letting me use the company credit card for the hold they place while the car is being used, because my credit card balance is so tiny. Today he told his son, (from his hospital bed) NO...forget it...i am not helping her. I was so shocked, i was speechless. It was because of my defense of the little old lady with the adjustable bed, i am sure. He thought i was trying to defy him, but, really, it was a confusing situation, with him giving me all sorts of alternatives, and me choosing the one(in my distress) that sounded the most workable. He STILL doesnt see the sense in helping her, giving her her money back. I am going to make a F@***ing horrible witness to THAT law suit, for, so help me God, i will be on her side, regardless of my personal repurcussions. What is right is right, and it is NOT right to be so insensitive to a sick old woman. I wish i was rich! I could fix this in a new jersey minute.DAMN IT!!!!!!!!!!!
So, i spent half the day composed, half the day running outside, crying. Quite the feat for a salewoman. ..WE have to be happy, exude confidence in our selves, our store, our product.000000000000000000000000hhhhhhhhhhhh Life, doing the right thing, can be so hard.

Monday Morning~~
Who did little Peter Rabbit see? Another Big person, but this one spoke softly"where is your mum, little rabbit? Are you all alone?" Peter's nose switched,and his little ears wiggled, which was rabbit talk for "i am all alone, and hungry" Each day the Big person with the soft voice brought water and apples to little Peter. He let her get closer and closer to him, because he knew she wouldn't hurt him. Another big person started to come, and she brought him apples and carrots and even broccoli!Peter grew bigger and bigger, and began to hop through the grass towards the big fence where he last saw his mum, but he always came back to his little cave to sleep.He dreamed of a great adventure, hopping away from the cave to find his mum and brothers and sisters. (((Hmnnn...how to end the story?)I don't want peter in a rabbit stew, i dont want him to leave the cave yet, either))) Well, we will just have to wait and see....Later.

Sunday Night~~
I think i want to tell a story. I am enjoying so much, the daily bits and pieces and thoughts i have...but, truth be told, i am boring myself a little. I have been thinking about creating a new blog, a kind of adult one, that is all about sexuality....But, i think that is something to come at a later date. It is raw enough to show myself in this blog, naked as it makes me feel, without a blog devoted just to sex. But, sex is so good, so joyous, so wicked, so spiritual, that i know that one is going to birth itself from this site, regardless of my puritan protests to the contrary.
Just a little tiny step...a story tonight for children...a modern day Peter Rabbit...
Once upon a time, in a little town surrounded by lakes, little ones and big ones and lakes that came suddenly around corners, there lived a little rabbit named Peter.
This was a lonely little rabbit. His mum and 6 brothers and 2 sisters lived in a thicket of trees, against a tall fence. He was just a tiny rabbit, and could fit in the hand of a little boy of 5 or so. One day, two great big Men came, with large roaring lawnmowers and weedwackers, and scared Peter's mum and brothers and sisters. "RUN! RUN! said his mum, and everyone flew, on their tiny fast legs, with their cottonball tails bobbing through the grass. Peter thought his sisters and brothers were behind him, as his heart beat fast and he ran. He ended up next to a tall building, with a crumbling porch and a black iron railing. Quickly he darted under the porch, which was a like a safe little cave. He turned around, expecting his mum, his brothers, his sisters, but all he saw was the legs of the big men, and heard the roar of the mower.
He was alone....He cried, little rabbit tears and sighs, and fell asleep.The next morning, he ventured out...Who did he see???(to be continued) Later....

Sunday Morning~~
ONE HUNDRED TIMES!!Thank you blogger, for giving me this place.I have always loved to write, but never have written consistantly, faithfully. My writing has always been a one-night stand, passionate and then forgotten. THIS feels like a marriage.Slept a solid ten hours last night, and i feel great! Have to work today, but it's an easy day, only 7 hours, instead of my normal 10-11.I hear a redbird out in the trees. Time for a happy walk to start my day.....Later.

Saturday Night~~
This is the first painful blog i have written. Painful, because i am so tired, and i have so much to do...so much, in fact, that i am a cat chasing her tail. But i have promised myself to write everyday, (at least if i am physically near the computer) and now, with the advent of audio blog, even that block is lifted.
So, so, tired...i have been grocery shopping, and the house is full of boxes half packed, my hurried whirlwind to get everything done,instead,leaving everything half done. I long for long blocks of time, to do things properly, but, i don't think that luxury is mine for the taking right now.
I want to watch a movie, i want to finish everything up...but, i think i will just sleep...Last night my stalwart plan of sleeping at ninepm went awry...J. woke me at midnight, needing to talk, needing a healing, and then i couldnt sleep til five am. Up again at 7am, and i have been going nonstop since then.Sometime soon i will write about this strange healing ability i have, but right now, i guess my best advise is"physican, heal thyself"...The hippocratic oath...that we all should follow. Thanks to my posters, for giving me their feelings, their observations, as i lie upon the bottom of the sea, barely swiping my tail, against the sand, against the tide., once again.

Friday morning~~
Still raining,gently, and cool. I usually think it's a cosmic slap when it rains on my day off, but today i am accepting it as a sign to keep working inside.I came across a photo tucked into a book while i was sorting yesterday. It was me, standing on a rocky incline in Greece, when i was 22. An ancient column to my left,an expanse of blue sky behind me.I am looking squarely at the camera,and a wind blows my skirt and hair. I am smiling faintly, confidently. Today, there is no ancient column, no windswept sky, but i am the same woman today as then. Ready to adventure, still able to smile. Later....