Saturday Night~~
This is so odd. I am alone. Really, really alone. There is no J, beating his wings against my heart. There is no T.,solid, loving, in my presence. No Rikk, in his overalls, watching tv, with a faraway look in his eye, creating...And no me, overseeing them all, punting and posturing and nurturing..
I am alone. How odd. My whole life has been filled with people. I like it,this freedom..and yet, i keep touching myself, looking for bullet holes, because, i am sure i have been shot thru the heart, and i just don't know it.
I packed up the rest of Rikk's clothes...i don't even think he remembers them. I will bring them to Canada for my last trip to see him, along with his camping gear and his sound system, and tools i have found, as i packed.He called last night, just to connect the tenuous dots to our heart.
The house is a whirlwind, and though i keep working, it doesn't look any better...
Am i doing the right thing? What balls did i grow, to move to a new state, new life, with no job, no money, just a dream?
Faith. Plain old ordinary, run of the mill, i won't get hit when i cross the road, faith. Scared doesn't count. Lonely doesn't count. I am just going to keep on looking toward the future, staring the "aloneness" in the eye...and go for it.I am crying, and so be it.I can crawl into my bed, and tuck myself in, and still, go for it.
Later.

Saturday Morning~~
Writing fast, disaster strikes!! I burnt the potroast last night,so involved with Sammmy, and her mom, (yes, i burnt dinner for the owner of the gourmet restaurant,sigh)that i totally forgot about it, and it was spectacularly charred and dry. I even tried to bring it back with a little apple juice, but, nothing could fix it. We laughed, cut away the burnt parts, and ate it anyway. At least the mashed potatoes, green beans from the garden, and fried green tomatoes were good.
Then just a bit ago, all ready to go but for my black skirt, THE IRON DIED. So many things have broken here in the last month, i just can't understand it. Nothing else to wear, and i had to wear stockings with garters because i ran my last pair of pantyhose. sigh. So, i am wearing an indian skirt, MADE to look crinkled, and off i go til later......What a day!

Friday Morning~~
I woke at 5am, with J. shaking my shoulder. Something in his eye, and he had tried unsuccessfully to get it out. Coconut hair? (coconut has fine, long, white fur). I don't wake up well..i need an hour of aloneness and coffee to be human. But, up i got, and filled my little squeese bottle for decorating chocolates with warm water, and flushed and flushed his reddened eye. Still hurt...so, i did a healing for him.
This healing ability is a God gift, i think. I breathe deep, go far inside, and ask to be a conduit for healing. I don't do it often, i don't tell many people about it. I don't know if i really heal, but i know i have taken pain away from those that i love. Occasionally i am brought to a stranger that needs help,and i always give it, though i wrestle with my fear of looking foolish, or like a new age goofball.
It is something that i want to develop more when i get to maryland; i know my walks alone on the beach will be a joyful communion time with God.
In just a few minutes, i am going to pick up little Sammy. She is the 11 year old daughter of the owners of the gourmet restaurant that i worked at, in my brief breakaway from the mattress store. She is berefit that i am leaving, and her mother is worried about her. We have had a special bond for two years now..she is a brilliant, sensitive little girl, a true destiny child. We became friends when she had to give up her little black kitten, (link kitty). I took him in, and when i went to pick him up, i brought her a little journal so that we could be co-mothers of Link, and write back and forth about him. She is begging for Link back now...but, i can't do that to the boys, they are bonded. Coconut is my baby, so loving and placid and gentle, unlike the fierce Link. I am thinking of giving him to Sammy, so she has a special friend here in michigan..coconut would keep a concrete connection for her...but, can i let him go? I will know the right thing to do, when the moment comes...
Once again, the garage sale is postponed...I would rather be with Sammy, and make her favorite Cranberry Potroast, and the hell with the garage sale today....Later.

Thursday afternoon~~
I hate moving. It's a horrible process. I am sure "Bad Mother's "entrance to Hell looks like a teenage son's room. I have found spiders, dust, dirt, and i must be a REALLY bad housekeeper, to sneeze and sneeze the way i am.
Now my references to the house looking like a tornado are just a joke; I am grimly piling boxes in the dining room, and i feel claustrophobic and jittery.
I don't want to do the garage sale, either....but, it will be gas money on the way down.
J.s room is done.....i cornered him like a rat, and made him choose what to take and what to donate and what to trash. In the midst of that, T. is going on the annual canoe/camping trip up north...and for the first time, didn't want Mom's help. He scowled and snorted and managed to get himself together, then apologised for his surly behavior, and off he went.
Me, kneedeep in Bad Mother's hell, got a phone call....The gastank on his Jimmy was leaking....We rescued him, transferred his stuff to his buddy's car, and back to packing i went.
Tomorrow afternoon, J and T.'s girlfriend will go up to the campsite...and i will be BLISSFULLY alone....I don't know if i can stand it.!!!! There will definately be some naked dancing to Barry White, or, at the very least, more boxes packed in peace, and a pizza. Later.

t

Thursday Morning~~
The darkness has slipped away, once more. I have packed so much to do into this one day that i am astounded, even with my customary wild optimism. Woke up wide eyed, ready to leap out of bed...made the coffee so fast that somehow the grinds are mixed in, and i am drinking it anyway.
Today is the day Daddy died..He will always be "daddy", not father, not pop, not dad. I remember the moment i found out so clearly, so acutely, that it is forever captured under glass, almost 40 years later. As i type this, i stop, and rock back and forth, holding myself. Love never dies, though people do. I still feel your scratchy cheek against my babysmooth one, daddy. I hear your laugh, and snuggle up in your arms as you read your paper. Your love for me has been a saving grace, the beacon, the benchmark, that i have measured men against.You wept the last time i saw you, so weak and drawn in the hospital."who will take care of my little girl? you are the one i worry about..who will protect you?".
It all happens for a reason, daddy, so stop worrying. I walk with my angels, and have learned how to protect myself...these long years...without you...Later.

Wednesday Morning~~
I woke this morning pregnant with dreams, yet they slipped away like cottoncandy on the tongue, when i tried to remember them.
I am feeling as heavy and slow as the sky outside, a disagreeable gray, sullen and lifeless. Can't have that! I countered it by wearing fushchia silk, and a long scarf of every color of the rainbow, and gypsy earrings in ruby and brass.
My last LOOONGGG day at work, the last of the 11 hour shifts. After that, i am laughing, two days off, then just the weekend of work to go!!
I'll make it go by fast, i am moving from work, afterall, and i want all my work tidy and completed. I am glad i gave 2 weeks notice instead of just saying "screw you". I don't like confrontations at all, and, two wrongs don't make a right, as my mother used to say.
Skunk in the backyard, in all his oderous glory! It isn't mingling well with my coffee or opium perfume....Just hope it wasn't one of my kitty's he tangled with....
Off to work i go!! Later...

Tuesday Night~~
My hair...how can someone be sensually intuned to part of themself? The rain pattered against the window, as i sat at my computer...Still in my blazer, hair twisted up with a clip, pen still stabbed haphazardly in it's depth, a chopstick frozen in mid-spear.I ran outside, to close the window...and the rain kissed me...ran down my cheeks, bounced against my skin...
It made me stop, in my whirling dervish, stop..in my concrete driveway, my dancing thoughts...I took out the pen, held it in my teeth, while i loosed the clip...my hair fell, waves upon waves, and the scent of this mornings shower, rose in my nose, centered in my belly..and i stood there, rooted in the earthly delight of scent, tactile expression, and touch.
The pen, even, excited me...cool against my tongue, hard against my teeth...and i felt a low growl build in my belly....
Nowhere to put it, but, here, my blog, my box of me, this second, this minute, this hour, this week...this life. (well, we get the picture, lol)
As i type, my hair still teases me., curling against my shoulder, flirting with my back...
Nothing for a mermaid to do, but SWIM, long, hard strokes, skimming thru the sea, till she can sleep....later.

Monday Night~~
Beauty? was does it mean?
I am one of those women that can make someone catch their breath, or yawn. Beautiful? Yes, i am, i guess, if u love me...because you only see my eyes. You only feel my skin, you only breathe my passion, my laughter, my naughty chase-me thru-the woods- persona.
And, so, what is beauty, universally defined? I think it is physical beauty, first.Then it is the fire, the light, in the eyes. Those that have both...ah, they are the ones the sonnets are written about. And yet, how fleeting a song?
Where are the songs of the mothers, the scientists, the spiritual gurus, the females of substance, that enrich humankind? Are their skins not soft enough???Are their lips not as full? Or do the men, and in some instances, the women, who love them, not seeing with the superficial eyes of media, and peer pressure, resisting what SHOULD be
I say..you are beautiful...if you love. i say..you are beautiful, beyond compare, if you love, and your essence shines out, daring your loved ones to see beyond what is shown them, to their own essence, their keystone, of glorious acceptance.

Sunday, last post for the night~~
Ok. I went to the movie. Just like i like it, in my seat as the first scene unfolds. HUGE popcorn, extra butter, with a coke, comfortably ensconsed on my lap.
Didn't take long to figure out the plot, or my snickers at the hero..in this case, a young, black female., leading a bunch of men. Give me a break, someone, please. What was it, some regulation for equality in heros, so they decided to do it all in one fell swoop? Young, (yup, no age discrimination) black(we would NEVER discriminate based on race) and, for good measure, let's make her FEMALE.
Not that i think a woman couldn't do it. Not that i think a BLACK woman couldn't do it. Not that i think a YOUNG person, who happens to be black and young couldn't do it. I guess what i resent is that it's being shoved down our throat by a bunch of people in a boardroom, trying to be politically correct, and while they cover THAT angle, the movie itself is about as clever a plot as a clod of dirt. (though the graphics weren't bad.)
So, i had the plot and ending in about 5 minutes, but, the popcorn was good, and the company wasn't bad, either. I kept saying to myself" you go girl! look at you! you don't need a guy to go to a movie!"
My assertive high was quickly snuffed out when the movie was over, and the lights went up. OH MY GOD!
As the theater cleared, i realized there was no one in the theater over, at the most, 16. No one in the theater alone, either. No one in the theater that was Old, Female, or ALONE. My euphoria faded quickly, and i lost all courage.
I did a slouching duck walk, trying not to tower above them. I blended myself admirably into one tribe of kids, with stuck up hair, lots of piercings, and way too much flesh for a mom to condone in a cold movie theater.
I made it almost to the outside door, and caught curious stares from my "tribe"and a few mumbled"is that YOUR mom?"...I hit the door running, and beat it out the parking lot before ANY of them.
Experience counts for something, i guess. I can beat a quicker retreat then the best among them..
Next movie alone, will be something more sedate. later.

Sunday, after work~~
I know i make my brother uncomfortable with some of my posts..and, Rikk, too. Sorry guys. This blog is MINE. I am who i am, and, as i weeded through my pictures this morning before work, i kept coming across little poems i wrote, letters that have been written to me...butterflies in the heart of my life. As i looked at them, i realized that desire, commitment, connection, have been cornerstones in my life. Security, that elusive goal, has many times been thrown over my shoulder, as i embraced change, and adventure, and the core belief that there is a better ending to the story of my life.
I have had many teachers, and, i have taught. I will not allow myself to subjugate myself. I am who i am...not who my father, my mother, my lover, my brother, my sisters, my friends, want me to be.
Finally, i am getting comfortable, in a place that i designed. In my own skin.
Cooking dinner now. Then, i think my first movie, ALONE. (Aliens vrs. Predator) Later.

Saturday Night~~
Tonight, i can't help thinking about..BREASTS...I wore a sunshine yellow sleeveless turtleneck today...And my breasts were so...THERE...Each time i glimped myself in a mirror at work, they were the first thing i saw...I kept pulling my jacket over them, but they were so insistant.."I am ROUND, i am RIPE, I beg to be fondled."
It made me crazy. Aren't i too old for this? I guess not.
We women have no control over the shape, the size of our breasts. We cannot have designer nippples, either, unless we pay a whopping price for them, along with the size.
I have the Fox girl figure..long, slender legs, big bust.I struggle constantly with becoming a dumpling, my belly swells, my hips broaden.Yet, i am ALWAYS me, hips or no..Why do people obsess so much about their shape? We all look good in the dark, with a loving partner. It is such a crock, to be obsessed with it. If you are a man, do you love your woman any less because her breasts are small? I think not. You might dream of large, silky breasts in your hands or mouth, but, truly, does it matter when it comes down to it?
Isn't it more important to love her warmth next to you, in the middle of the night? The way she makes your doctors appointments, and raising an eyebrow at your diet? The walks, after dinner, talking about kids or work or whatever it is that is on your mind? The bills, the dreams, the garden next year?
Back to breasts....They are so wonderful, i know. A place so primordal, so tasty, they write poems and songs and fight wars about them(I THINK wars have been fought about them). I always wanted small breasts. Little tshirts, boldly saying "HEY! i don't sag, i don't dip, my nipples don't shine like headlights"
That was my nickname when i was a bartender, so many years ago. "Headlights"...(SORRY GEORGE) In case you don't know, George is my brother..he HATES when i write anything sexual....
And my finale on breasts? Gotta love them....they mean so much to so many...Back to my packing....later.

Friday Morning~~
Lots of dreams last night, and woke up achy and tired..I am zipping along now, coffee-fueled, and just got another bunch of boxes. The house looks like a tornado hit it, but, the computer room is just about packed.Gone are the books, the map of the United States, the mermaid pictures.Same with the antique typewriter and phone, and the old typeset drawer that i kept tiny animals displayed.
I feel sad, and happy. I don't like change, and i welcome change. I want to go;I don't want to go.
I keep putting off the garage sale...i think i will just play it by ear, and keep packing...Later....

Thursday Morning~~
I woke up at 7am, little oj snuggled up against my hair. It was great quilt weather,in the white down comforter that Rikk bought me so i could sleep "in a cloud"
By 7:45 i was at Meijer's, with the old sparkplug from the lawnmower in my hand. (Wrapped in a coffee filter,haha). A few days ago, i wasn't even sure what a sparkplug looked like. I bought a new one, carefully matching up the numbers. Bought oil that thankfully said LAWNMOWER OIL,(Must have been Mr. Phillips cousin), and a new oil filter. Then i went home, and assembled my tools. A butter knife, a Phillips head screwdriver(just in case) a well, i am not sure of the name, i just took whatever i could find. Coffee in hand, in my happy pants, i knelt by the lawnmower. Sparkplug...hmmnn. that was easy. Air filter...hmmnn..that one was harder. Couldn't quite fiqure out how to put it back together, thank God for the picture on the back of the package. Oil...figured it was like a car...down a half quart...dumped some in.
Moment of truth...three presses of the little red button..annnnnd. VICTORY!!!!!
I smell like oil and gasoline, and my fingernails are black crescent moons...but...Thanks, God...i didn't know i could fix so much stuff....What ELSE can i do, that i didn't think i could???
The Happy Pants? They are my old chef pants, black background with red hot chili peppers and purple eggplants rioting over my curves...The kids beg me not to wear them, Rikk hates them, but, they make me happy.
NO WAY am i going to let the boys mow the lawn, today. Me and my happy pants are going to swagger across the lawn, smiling.
The tv is too dark...hmmmmmm...maybe that is next? Justin just came in, with a big grin on his face..."MOMMY!" how did u fix the lawnmower?, do u want me to mow?"
Not a chance....Later.

Wednesday Night~~
Neither rain nor sleet nor snow....i promised myself to write each day...And, here i am....The phone line broke, I fixed it...thanks to a good friend(hugs, Pat) and determination....Much more to write, but, so tired now, and the baby kitty is walking all over the keyboard...Later, tomorrow....sweet dreams.

Tuesday Night~~
Good things happen in my kitchens..and each of my kitchens have oddly looked the same. I cannot escape my style, it has shadowed me for years. Always an apron hanging on a hook,a candle on the counter, a teapot or two or ten, on display. Artwork from loved ones on the refigerator, special magnets holding them. Wooden bowl full of onions and garlic and potatoes, that i bought at eighteen, in my first little apartment, from the dusty bottom shelf of an antique store. ( i always get on my knees and explore the bottom shelf..no one else does)
These are the backdrops to my life dramas...It is in kitchens that i have danced with lovers, it is in kitchens that i have gripped a coffee cup and cried, it is in kitchens that i have scrubbed the floor, furiously, as i worked out anger. It is in kitchens that i have kissed the most, from the boo-boo knees of my babies, to languid, heated, i-want-you rendevouz, to happily coupled embraces.
I have sung off key, alone, to Italian operas, wielding my wooden spoon dramaticly,creating feasts, and sadly contemplated empty cupboards, trying to stretch half a box of elbow macaroni and a can of tuna fish.
Most of all, my kitchen is my security blanket. I can surround myself with safety and comfort, anywhere, as long as i can feed someone. I have cooked on campfires and in fancy houses, i have cooked with nothing more then a one burner stove and on the best agas. I am not the best cook...i can't reel off a bechamel sauce by heart, nor can i cook for a crowd without a beating heart..but, i CAN silence a table, with nothing said more then busy forks and spoons, and have people tell me later"would you make that thing again, you know, that one you made with the noodles and green stuff" That makes me happy....that need to fill someone, to fill them to the top, to make them laugh, to serve, to cherish them...faults, foibles, and all...
I guess i am over the top with this post...i mean, people get by with a can of beans...and here i sit, writing about cooking...oh well, i always can fall back on "it's my blog, and i can write what i want to"..kinda like one of my favorite oldies, "it's my party, and i can cry if i want to"...
On a very different note...the special gift i gave J for his birthday? A mandolin.
Grandpa Quintavalle came to america in 1907, at 14, with only his mandolin and his dreams. He played on street corners in Brooklyn to make his way...a self taught musican. His great grandson, J, is the same self taught musican. Grandpa guides him, i know. More, later....PS...this is one post i refuse to preview...let it be written, before i chicken out on the intimacy of it all....later.

Monday Morning~~
I woke at 5am today,with a rustle outside the window.A skunk, nose in the knocked over garbage can. I always pay attention to the animals i see unexpectedly...each have their own wisdom and teaching to impart. From a shamanism website i like:Skunk's wisdom includes reputation, sensuality, self respect, courage, will power, and self confidence.
Just the things i need today, to give notice at work. I hate confrontations, i hate rocking the boat..but, rock it i will, because a new life awaits J. and I.

". . . He set my feet on solid ground and steadies me as I walked along. "

Psalm 40:1-2 NLT
That was the daily bible phrase i just recieved in an email today...Hmmnn, between the skunky visit and the psalm, i guess i don't have to worry about much, today.
It has really hit me that the serious countdown has begun...This time next month, i will be typing from my rose colored bedroom in maryland, looking out to the maple tree in the backyard, with the wind blowing in through the high windows.
It is in maryland that i will start my novel. I am mentally turning over story lines, and titles, as i wash dishes, and sell beds, and pack. This blog has been wonderful for me, a written expression of desire and disapline, concrete evidence that i can write.
Time to pay some bills, have one more coffee, and off to work i go.

Sunday Night!!
OH BOY! I can WRITE! I am no Hemingway, and, truth be told, i am terrified of writing that novel i rhapsidse about:because, i don't think i am good enough. That's not going to stop me, though, because i have moved mountains, insecure or not...
I love food. I love words. They are one and the same, when the creative juices get flowing...You have a plan, and then creativity comes, in a dark, seductive cape, sweeping you off your feet, tongue in your ear, whispering suggestions that you just purr and melt into...and your plan becomes the open road, free, traveling where it wants to, until you just give up, and bite into it's succulence.
I was going to take J. to dinner tonight for his birthday...then i thought to ask him if that was what he wanted(quite the concept, eh?). He didn't want the Olive Garden, or even Outback..he wanted me to cook...Something Italian, yet creamy, something ...hmmnnn....he didn't really know...
So i got home at 5:15, and for the last almost 2 hours, in the kitchen...Fresh peppers, and onions, and garlic...parsley snipped from the yard, and basil from the enamal pot sitting in the old seatless chair...ricotta, so creamy and rich, and chicken, seared in a hot pan, and simmered in rich tomato sauce...
I love words, i love food. Such an adventure, so sensual, a mingling of taste, and texture, and placement...You take what you have, you create...You shop, you choose, you create. And when all is said and done, you sit at the table...you spit it out, or you draw it in, but never, never, is it boring...
That is Life, never boring...if you create. Paint in chalk on the sidewalk, dance to Vivaldi, whisper sweet words to a stranger, just...create...
We are all so afraid, afraid of not being good enough, afraid to shine, because we think others shine brighter...SO WHAT?...In shining our own selves, we become luminous, authentic, and that holds a beauty unto itself.
I think i just gave MYSELF a good talking to...because YOU are never afraid of not being good enough, afraid to shine...are you? Wink, wink....
Birthday Menu
Chicken Cacciatore with Grilled Peppers
Jumbo Stuffed Shells...Cheese Stuffed, with Parsley,Nutmeg and Loccatelli cheese
Steak Stuffed, with Ricotta, Basil, and Garlic
Balsamic Vinegar and Olive Oil Salad, tossed with tomatoes, Cukes, and Spinach from the Garden..Garnished with black olive flowers and chunks of merlot soaked green olives
Pineapple upside down cake for dessert, with fresh whipped creme...
Bon Appetit, J...Happy Birthday
Ps...i hope the steak stuffed shells are good, they are basicly leftovers, lovingly drawn into service..
Remind me, will you, to express the sheer sensuality of stuffing jumbo shells...i could write a treastie on them that could make me blush....
AH! time for dinner....ciao!

Saturday Morning~~
Dressed for success today, royalblue silk blouse, sheer black stockings and skirt,paisley blazer in black,royalblue,and gold. Tamed my curls into elegant swirls,and am ready to sell some beds.
All the while, doing the girly stuff to get ready for work, a hundred lists in my head.Fix the lawnmower, things for the garage sale this thursday, basic cleaning, all my finaces to get in order...so many things, it's going to be quite the challenge to balance them all...AND...today's is J's birthday, too. I bought him something very special for his 18th birthday....i will get into it tonight, when the lawnmower's fixed, when the birthday cake is finished(will i have time for a homemade one this year?)..Oh, lordy...so much to do.
Deb called me at home last night..says that the guys are infighting at work big time..trying to decide who's going to do all my work..bickering and backstabbing each other, jeeeshhh. I am giving my notice on monday, a full two weeks. I have decided that even if the boss says "go now", at least i was true to my own integrity to the bitter end. I will find a way to make up for the lost income,somehow, if he does tell me to go...
Feel like i am writing like eating with chopsticks...fun, but with short, quick stabs and lots of misses....Off to work i go, yippie!!!(with the theme song of Bonanza running thru my head,lol)

Friday Night~~
I am home!! Home to my messy-but-they-tried-to-clean-it house, home to my coconut, my link, my little oj...Home to my shasta daisies and hollyhocks and that wonderful,luscious bed of mine.Home to big hugs from both my boys, eyes that say i love you. And the slice of cold pizza in the fridge wasn't too shabby, either.
I went to canada with fire in my eyes...i didn't know whether i wanted to fight or make love...i just knew i had to see his face,feel his arms wrapped around me, and i would know.
His mum and dad had belated birthday presents for me, and, as always, welcomed me with open arms. I know they don't know what to do with my exuberant hugs and kisses...they just take them, with a goofy look on their face, like someone offered them chocolate ice cream instead of porridge for breakfast.
I wanted to spend the night in a motel..a night with a shower built for two, a night of private passion..but, i couldn't summon the courage to decline his parents insistance that i stay with them...sigh.
We got our timmies coffees, we sat in the park, we kissed, and made up for our SLAM dunk fight. To be honest, i am the fighter...it's hard to fight with someone who just answers everything quietly and logically, and many times, doesn't even know what he has done wrong. It's the perfect approach for dealing with me...it gives my hot-blooded Italian temper time to cool down, because i have to stop and think.
We found a way to be private, but, that's a secret..(smile).
I rode home in peace, renewed, and ready for anything. Time to curl into my bed, to smile my secret smiles, and say prayers of thankfulness for my little escape.
Can't wait to write tomorrow! Later....

Thursday Morning~~
This is not going to be much of a write, today. I am headed to Canada to see Rikk, and will be back tomorrow. It's crazy to go: i have so much to do at home. But, i am going anyway. Just 24 hours of escape.....later.

Wednesday Night~~
I realize that i am a woman of faith. I know it; it is at least 12 minutes since i wrote that last sentence. It is wednesday night, my alamo, my waterloo, as i come home finally after my three 11 hour days in a row.It is when my house is at the epitome of messy-ness.., it is when my spirit is lowest, and it is when i most long for the quiet and privacy and time to write.It is the time when the boys press hardest, wanting food, food for body and food for soul and food for mind.
And, by the way, i am having a SLAM dunk, all holds barred, fight with rikk, courtesy of MSN. later.

Tuesday Night!!
I have done something so wild, so hopeful, so insanely projecting towards success, that i am ready to rip off my clothes and dance wildly naked around my dark, green yard. (HAHA...not really gonna do it)
I can't say what it is yet, because people that know me and read my blog are in for a surprise...
I will say this, though...I hope anyone that reads this, reads my sorrows, reads my joys...realizes the single thread that i have discovered that runs thru my writing...a thread that i didn't even know i was weaving...was,that each day is a song, orchestrated by God. We don't have to play our instruments professionally, just show up for practice. So, don't fret, at least not as a permanent way of life, because miracles happen, and the song plays sweetly, more often then not...later...

Monday Night~~
I just had the most incredible meal.My tastebuds are still dancing, and i keep going mmmnnn...If i had planned it, i wouldn't have...Bratwurst cooked in beer, then broiled...Fresh tomatos sprinkled with coarse salt,greek myzitha cheese, olives...
I made a plate of the sliced sausage, tomatoes and cheese, and ate with my fingers...It was so sensually delightful...the sharp cheese, the soft bite of tomato, the crunch of the brat...mnnnnn...All low carb, too! LOL.
All quiet on the homefront...Work was pretty rotten, another crazy customer...This time i didn't say a word, i am shuttling it right up the ladder...sigh...
I would have loved to leave on a very high note...but, the customer base has been very low end, the problems continue, and, the boss, from the gossip that's flying, is looking for vindictive ways to make my last days miserable.
I just have to adapt a "SO WHAT" attitude, get thru it, and move on. I have done my time selling mattresses, it's time for a new adventure. See you tomorrow...sweet dreams....

Monday Morning~~
Another lovely day out. I have to say one thing about Michigan, as intense as the winters are, so is the beauty of summer here. Everything screams with life,and the restraint of winter morphs wildly into verdant green.
I have experienced my first uncomfortable feelings about blogging. Anonymous's comments (see july 25th post)left me unsettled. I won't censor my words or anyone elses if they chose to comment here, it's a public blog. I will say this, though, it takes a certain amount of authenticity to write a blog about your personal life. I give Blap, Amadeus, Kari, and yes, myself, kudos for that.Perhaps my discomfort is that i don't know anything about anonymous(obviously), i can't read HER blog to gain insight or give her comments credibility. Is she a shrink? or a social worker? Whatever she is, she puts alot of time and thoughtfulness in her replies, and i honor that.
Time for work....long day, today...home after nine pm....
Later...

Sunday Morning~~
Glorious morning out...brilliant skies, like sapphires and emeralds in the palm of the sky. Mozart on the cd player, and peace in my heart. I think i walked with angels in my sleep last night; I awoke feeling like i had been taken on a journey,whispered instructions, and deposited gently back to my bed. "Feel" is the operative word...for surely such things don't exist..or do they?
When i was traveling, that year i was 22, I was alone on a rooftop in Marrekech. The hotel was called the CTM, and you walked up a narrow stairwell to the roof. It was dark, and i wanted to see the stars in the city called "gateway to the desert".
I laid down on a wooden beam, and looked up at the luminous display above me.The city noises faded, and it was just me and the sky. I lost my perspective of the distance between myself and the stars, indeed i felt like i was getting closer to them.The reality shift scared me, and i saw myself above the girl on the beam, and with a heartthumping bump,i slammed back down into her.
Did i fall asleep and dream it? I don't know...but the experience left me forever wondering where i travel when i sleep..
Ten essential boxes of books packed. My books, my photos, my bed, my pots and pans, i realize that i don't need much to make a home. Flowers on the table look just as wonderful in a mason jar then in crystal..It's all just "stuff", not who we are.
The beach is calling me louder now. Before it was just a whisper, just a tease. The waves are getting more intense, i can hear them crashing on the shore. I feel like a horse in the gate, waiting for the GO!
Oh, boy...forgot what time it was!! Shower, work, later...

Saturday night~~
I am having fun!I am listening to The Shirelles, Temptations, Ben E. King, and that luscious hunk of man, Barry White.(listen to his lyrics, gentleman,lol). I have the computer room all torn up, packing books. It's official, i am more then a packrat, i am certifible. How else did i find a Bon Appetit magazine from July,1981?AND I CAN'T THROW IT OUT!
I love to look at people's bookshelves. I think it is akin to the secret pleasure voyeurs have..peeking...what interests them? what do they read when no one's watching?
Okay, just a little peek...
Cookbooks, many, many cookbooks
"The Curious Lore of Precious Stones"
"The Complete Guide to Gardening"
"Photoanalysis"
"The Doctors book of Home Remedies"
"A Year in Provence"
Let's see...some juicier stuff...
"Lust"
"The Desiderata of Love"
Hmnn...not much juicy stuff....But lots of:
Spooky Stuff
Police Thrillers
No harlequin romances, thank God. Historical Novels...love those in the tub..
Enough self help books to save the nation.
Enough spiritual books to float to heaven...
Sales how to books (didn't read them too much)
Enough of the peek...
Going to keep dancing to those smooth, sweet oldies...packing my books, having fun.
( I am just a home girl at heart) Later...

Friday Night~~
Just home from work..what a rotten attitude i had all day. I felt anger seeping out of my very pores. I mumbled nasty little comments under my breath, and when i was washing my hands in the ladies room, i glanced up and scared myself.YIKES!!such a sulky,stern face staring back at me.
I have to change my evil ways,because if i am determined to work one more month, then i damn well better do it to the best of my ability, and leave proud of myself.It doesn't matter if the boss is unfair, it doesn't matter if they have a boys club and i am not invited, it doesn't matter if Deb is the undisputed queen,smugly superior. All that says is that i am having a problem with feeling like a victim, feeling left out, and feeling jeleous. I can't change them, but i can change myself.
Tomorrow morning before i go in i am going to take a walk at dawn, rain or shine. I am going to wear pink and pearls to work, and take extra care with my makeup. I am going to find things to laugh about, and practice the art of forgiveness.I am going to count my blessings, count down the days, and make the most of it all.
I was really too pissy to even write tonight...but, i feel better now. I can see my intentions flowing across the paper. I am going to walk out to the pepper patch in my barefeet, in the dark, and make some nice fresh salsa for the kids. I am going to drink my ice water in a crystal glass, with lots of ice and a wedge of lemon. Diana Kroll on the CD player, while i take a vanilla scented bubblebath.
I think i need hugs. I think i need kisses. The bath will have to do...later.

Thursday Morning~~
Just had a wonderful time with the refigerator repairman, who introduced himself as Ed. He didn't mind the cats, who tried to help him. He didn't mind me, either, as i tried to help him. By the time a half hour had passed, i had broken him from calling me "ma'am"., and i unofficially became his assistant, handing him stuff, and taking the parts to the sink to be rinsed off. When it came time to pay (YEAH! He fixed it like brandnew,i don't have to buy a new one), Instead of $250.00, he charged me $175.00. With a twinkle in his eye, he told me it was because of all my help.
I really want to have things working properly and buttoned up here, for Todd. Today was one more thing off my list.
The sun is shining, and i have had enough of worries, packing, and work. I am going to the beach for a few hours, with Saving Private Ryan, one of my favorite books. My books are my friends, and sometimes they call just as loud as real people, to come and visit. Later....

Wednesday afternoon~~
I have been pretty silent about Rikk lately...We spoke last night, and without me even bringing up the subject, he mentioned me driving the truck again..He said he has total confidance in my abilities..and i had to laugh to myself..i suppose he sees me stronger then i see myself.
As for J., he has very strong feelings about him. He thinks it's crap the way J.acts, and when he was here, J DIDN'T act up half as much. He can't visit,(see my may 1st post)he can't support me, though he does his best via phone and email. He is a single dad raising a 16 year old, so it will be two years at least before we can even think of living together. I am all written out for now...later.

Wednesday afternoon~~
I just read your post to Kari, anonymous. Again, i find your comments very insightful..you speak like one who has experienced this herself., or something very like it. My relationship with J.s father spanned almost 20 years, pre and post divorce, and the whole time it was a case of me putting a bandaid on a mortal wound. Looking back now, i realize that i refused to see that i couldn't save him from himself. I always fixed things, always made a way, and, on the surface, gave him his repectability. He was a charmer, a master salesman, and not above groveling the many times i left him, started over, and out of pity, or maschochism, or God Knows what motivation, i took him back.
The last time was 3 years ago. He was homeless, and had just lost his job that included his truck, and living expenses. (he was a traveling salesman). He had a heart attack, and i offered to let him stay at my house to recuperate. He got a job driving a cab, and i told him to save his money, so he could get an apartment and get back on his feet. I came home from work to an explosive situation..my oldest son, T., in a standoff with G. on the porch. It came to blows, and it's funny,what i remember most about it was the sound of my clay italian flower pots crashing to the floor. I called the police,and G. turned to me and said."You did this. it's your choice, him or me." I went inside, packed his things, and told him to never come back. I decided it was finally over...and the door to my giving slammed shut,locked, and i threw away the key.
There comes a time in my life when i let go, because, above all, i am a survivor.
To try to channel and help J. by moving to maryland is part of that survivor instinct.You see, i refuse to be a woman who bails out her adult son, be it with money or a place to live, forever. I will always love him, but i am getting ready to leave my active tour of motherhood duty. I finally like myself, and love myself most of the time, and that love of self just doesn't have room for being anybodys emotional or physical punching bag. I will dedicate myself for one year to helping j. finish high school, and teach him all the practicalities that he is so ignorant about.After that..i am done.

Wednesday Morning~~
Slept in late today, no ambition at all. I feel like laying in bed all day, but that is strictly against my code...must come the german/dutch half of me.."you will work! you will be productive!". Causes a bit of a problem with the italian side, that would prefer to loll about, sipping wine, listening to music, with a manyana laissez faire.
Anonymous, Kari, Amadeaus...your comments on my concerns with J,..what can i say? Wise perspectives from three different sources..Pretty ironic, too, because i had contemplated sending J. to his father for a couple of weeks before the move...so he could have some closure, and also to let him see what his life COULD be like..Then yesterday, got a phone from my ex-brother in law...We haven't spoken since last Christmas, when i called them for the holiday. Seems G. (the ex) has continued his downward spiral..renting a room in a house somewhere, cell phone disconnected. Still drinking everyday,driving that way, too, even with all his health problems. Still leaving a trail of broken promises. My ex-brother in law called to say he loved me and the kids, and to apologise for thinking i was "the bad guy" that hurt his brother, when he realizes now it wasn't true. Bittersweet, because i have been too busy raising the boys myself to even care what they thought of me.All i know is, leaving J. with him now is not an option.
Change comes from within, and just moving away doesn't mean that your problems don't come with you. I am taking a very calculated risk; in moving i plan to grab my pruninig shears and ruthlessly cut off the suckers and dead wood from J.s life. I will no longer work the 11 hour days that keep me absent now,and i will give him structure and support to build a new life. I will expose him to the beauty of the sea,surrounded by healthy male role models in his uncles and cousin. After that, it is his choice..for we do indeed journey alone through this life, each of us ultimately on our own path..The bottom line, for me, is that i must, i will, try.Later...

tuesday night...
i want so much to write, to express my feelings and thoughts on the posts in reply to moving and my trouble with J., but, i am so tired...The rain is a delicate staccato, and i just want to take off my clothes and lie naked under my down quilt..Leave my hair unbraided, and say my prayers...while drifting to sleep.
Tomorrow, always tomorrow...The wonderful smell of coffee, the peek outside to see the sky., and, the promise of a new day....sweet dreams, later..

Tuesday Night~~
I am so humbled, and thankful, for all of you who take the time to care about my life. How lucky am i?
First of all, just a bit of today..I read anonymous and Kari's posts monday night, but, i spoke with Rikk via IM,and i wanted so badly to connect with him, that i planned on writing in my blog this morning, instead of my nightly postings...
Didn't happen. I turned on the computer, and a loud, warning beep! beep! beep! was all i got. The cats were wrapping my ankles, i hadn't made coffee yet...and my first thought was "uh-oh". First things first, coffee on, babies fed, then back to the beeps...Dug out the computer papers, and called...I got a lovely lady named Anna, and, half awake, her speaking with a pronouned accent(Indian, i think), she intructed me to unscrew the back of the computer, locate and take out the memory card, and then pull the plugs to the mouse and keyboard. Sounds simple, eh? God bless her patience, as i opened the back of the computer with a butter knife. God bless her patience as she explained what a memory board looked like. God bless her patience as she told me what color the cords were to the mouse and keyboard. We figured it out...dead keyboard....and they would ship me one in 3-6 business days...in the meantime, i had 20 minutes left to shower, dress, put on my makeup for work, and the kitty's were having a ball, oj biting my toes, coconut trying to explore the inside of the computer, and link sliding over the warranty papers. sigh.
Off to work i went, but, just before i left, the electric company called, saying, "if i didn't pay EIGHTY DOLLARS RIGHT NOW"...well, you get the drift...
Worked 11 hours, nonstop, wild bed sales, the most the store has made in over a month, and God saw fit that most of it was cash and carry for my sales, way past my expectations for the end of the month....Justin called midway, to tell me that the refigerator was broken, and by the way...the cats broke my antique blue/green candy bowl, and, did the vaccumn ALWAYS blow dust out the side. sigh.
So, the repairman is coming thursday morning to fix the frig, the lights are still on, and i am SURE Mr. Phillips and i can fix the vaccumn one more time.
And this is before i even address what's REALLY in my heart.....back in a few....OH! forgot to say..i am able to type this post because...packrat that i am..i had an old keyboard in the closet...and now that i know where a keyboard plug goes....I AM WRITING!

Monday Morning~~
What a crazy life. Last night i cried myself to sleep, thinking about J. I woke to a note,by the coffepot, from him. "Dear Mom, wake me up before you go to work, i love you and miss you and want to talk".I don't have time to write now, but the jeist of it all is that he is willing to give maryland a try. Off to work i go...later

Sunday night~~
it's so hard to write with a house full of people...Todd's girlfriend and the kids...i love them, i do...but, the privacy factor, well..gone.
J. no longer on a high from his cd...negative and calling people evil and saying how ridiculous it is to want a house, and life, when we are just all going to die..(we are all a bunch of trained monkeys, except monkeys aren't evil, like people are, wasting the earths resouces, and practicing ugly habits).Won't even do the dishes as his chore, but, stays in my face, spouting negativity, telling me how horrible his life is(mentioning his "waste" of a father in the next breath).

Rikk emailing me, and telling me i can drive a 15 foot truck 12 hours across the mountains, towing my little car, no problem..."just go slow".(when he knows driving is my phobia, and i am terrified)
When all i want to do is write....i have so much to say...but, have to take a pickaxe, and swing through the obstacles, first...So many, so thick, that my fingers can hardly type....
At least,at the very least, i am keeping my promise to write everyday. That, nothing can stop, even if i have to AUDIO blog.
J. doesn't realize how close, how very close, i am to throwing in the towel. Let his father take over. Let him feed him, clothe him, council him, deal with his black moods.
The only thing that stops me is....what would the final outcome be for my son? I might get a reprieve, but, what will his future be?
I am so bewildered. This is one of the times i just want to run away, or, at the very least, pull the covers over my head, and pretend it all doesnt exist.
Later.

Saturday Morning~~
All ready for work, and today i look like a school teacher,complete with glasses and below the knee black skirt. Ah, but who knows the mermaid that lurks beneath?
The sense of pressure is off, marvelously..It doesn't matter if i get fired now, all is in place...I am curious to see what that lack of pressure is going to do to my sales. I know i will keep up with everything else at work, that's just my nature..When i leave i want to do it properly, with all my admin work current.
J. and his band were in the studio for 8 hours yesterday, recording their first professional CD. He came home at 12am, and i was waiting up, reading. His eyes shone, and he played it for me..I listened, and watched the rapt faces,tapping fingers of his fellow musicians.. The music was good,..a unique sound, blending jazz and Celtic with a little Pink Floyd thrown in.
Pray God i can channel that passion, that emotion, even him out somewhat...
I want to keep writing, but work calls...
The sky is so beautiful this morning, the air so cool and sweet...Happy Saturday Morning, everyone....

IT'S DONE!!!!! Thank you, God......I am all alone, crying my eyes out, thankful, so thankful...later..

Friday afternoon~~
In less then an hour, the title people will be here at the house to sign the refinance papers. The floors are shining; the coffee pot on, and i have gotten out my antique irish sugar bowl and creamer with the 4leaf clovers rioting across the china.
This is months of work, this is a new beginning. Two years ago, i was 11 days away from a sheriff sale, my house officially in forclosure. My car was repo'd, and we barely had enough to eat.
This refinance is a miracle, straight from God. No one would touch me for a refinance..the forbearance mortgage agreement i have been under for the last two years is worse then a bankrupcy and a repo combined. I am amazed by it all. I have never heard of a title company that comes to your house, I am amazed that i didn't even have to take a day off from work, i am amazed that i didn't get fired and lose the refinance altogether.
Yesterday, as i tried to clean and prepare for today, J. chose to act out, terribly.I won't go into it, but, it was painful...so painful..i cannot even put it to paper. He is a double Leo, self absorbed, and almost more then love can handle, sometimes. I pressed on with my chores, anyway, heavy hearted, but determined.
If you read this, and love God, pray for my son..pray for me, that i continue to have to strength to guide and stand by him...
I cannot wait to write my victory post..i will be writing it before the ink dries!
Time for a bit of lipstick, and cut some flowers for the table...later.

Thursday, High Noon~~
I FIXED THE VACCUMM!!!!!!! Thank you, Mr. Phillips, wherever you are. Kisses, kisses, kisses. I have been sweeping the house for three weeks, with no money to take the vaccumm cleaner to the fixit shop....Today, i said, ENOUGH. I rummaged thru the junk drawer, found the thingy screwdriver with 4 slots, (thank you again, Mr. Phillips) and took the whole damn thing apart.
Easy for you, you say? HA! All my iq tests say..."word warrior, you go girl.. Uh, try to be logical, fix things, affinity with how things work, get a friend, or call a repairman!"
I DID IT!First, i cleaned all the filters. Then, i took that screwdriver, wielded it masterfully, and did what i guess alot of men do....tore the whole damn thing apart. Then i got a coathanger, and threaded it thru all the hoses...Eureka!! resistance!. Patienace, cunning, as i cajoled and prayed the coathanger thru...The culprit? A paper towel, clogged with cat hair. I haven't put it back together yet, but i am certain the problem is fixed.
I think this will make my relationships with men better. I tend to play Scarlett, waving my fan, when i need help. How much better to be Rhett, rescueing myself, so that the nitty-gritty, the bottom line, person to person, without need or manipulation getting in the way, to tell you if you are partners?
Hmnnn. Better grab that screwdriver, hitch up my pants masterfully, and go on with my day. Wink, wink. later.

Thursday morning~~
   It's hot and oh so sticky out, and i have looked around my cluttered house with a baleful eye. So much to do, before i even START to do the things i want to do...Last night at 2:45 am, baby oj woke me biting my toes. I tucked them into the sheet, and then moments later..CRASH! Somehow he managed to knock my glass of water off the bedside table...water everywhere! As i mopped it up, Justin came in...
  I never wake well~i am grumpy and groggy and not real, for at least an hour. "Mom? can i talk to you before you go back to sleep?" Sigh. He had been on the computer for hours, researching the history of rock and roll, and the implications of Satanism. JEESHHH!! Scared himself silly, and the crash of the water glass made him think Alistair Crowley had come to visit. "What did i think about the CIA and LSD?" "What did i think about Satan and God?" "Where was he going in his life?" "Why did i always believe the best in people, when there is so much evil in the world?"
  All that, barely awake, and not a drop of coffee in me. Little oj in prime kitten mode, too..pouncing and prancing and doing high dives off my bed.
  We ended up in the dark on the porch swing, me in my robe and him in his boxers, talking til 4am. The last thing he said before we hugged goodnight was "thanks, mom..i can sleep now."
  And me? I lay there in the dark, face to the open window, listening to those strange almost dawn sounds..praying for my baby boy, not a baby, not a man. It is so clear to me that he stands at a fork in the road, hesitating, taking a step, retreating, standing still in confusion.
  I just want to plant my hand in my back, and PUSH.."there, take THAT road"..But i won't, I can't...all i can do is be available..listen..even at 4am.....later.

Somehow, i have got all the color and spelling gizmos back...Have you been praying for me, Flora? I don't know how dark green will look on light green...but, here goes...i am going to publish., and see.

Wednesday Night~~
The rain is pouring straight down, drenching, soaking, hot sounding rain, and it's making me hot, too. It's a sound of urgent passion,unstoppable, furious in intent. I feel crazy...like biting the tiles, waiting for release...Ah, it's softer now...with a gentle smack of thunder, and i can finally exhale. Now it is just caressing, and i can hear the different tones as it hits the trees, the grass, the slope of the roof. Black kitty Link is on the windowsill, green eyes luminous, and we rub noses..I think he felt it too.Little oj is in my lap, half asleep, sucking on my thumb..(how strange my 4 legged children are)
Another uneventful day at work...THANK GOD!. Except, except...i have made the reservation for the moving truck. When they asked me the date i was moving, i realized i didn't know...My plans have been so focused on solving all the problems to actually MOVE...my imagination has been so locked into the fantasy of how it will be., that i hadn't set a date...So i heard the little voice in my head say"mid september". I had actually thought the last week end august, but, i always listen when that voice speaks.."Monday, September 13?" the guy asked..And i said "Yes!"...My knees felt weak, my voice shaky. I guess i am really going to do it. New start. New job, new home, new friends, new, new new.
All i have to do is remember how i have been terrified before, of change, of the unknown. And then remember, that out of those changes, have come great learning, great loving, great experiences...And so...the next chapter is ready to begin....... Later.

Wednesday Morning~~
I have some kind of dream marathon going on every night. Last night i dreamt i told Debbie i was moving..I was wearing a yellow sweater, and she just looked at me blankly, and said "youre moving?".I just raised one eyebrow, and remained silent. (debbie is the "friend" at work that told the boss about the labor board). The night before i was sunbathing on a crowded beach,head tilted up, soaking in the sun as i watched the waves crash to the shore. Every morning i wake up feeling like i was in school, enrolled in a crash course, head crammed with knowledge. Only problem is, i can't remember WHAT school i am enrolled in , what the course is, or what it was i was learning!
Yesterday WAS busy from start to end;I got the insurance for the house, went to work, got everything faxed to the refinance guy, got the last employment verification phone call from the new mortgage company, (WHEW!,in the nick of time),and the closing date in definetly set for Friday, at 1pm.Worked til nine pm, went grocery shopping, home at 10pm...Both of the boys are feeling anxious...I am their landmark of security, and that landmark is picking up stakes..I know there will be alot of porch-swing talks, reassuring, calming, explaining over the next two days off. I am ashamed to say that i don't feel like explaining, calming, or reassuring them at all...all i want is to sit by the water alone, and reassure MYSELF, but i will find a way.
Wish i could preview and edit my posts..still no luck with that...So, please forgive the wordy sentences and spelling errors...feels like getting dressed without that last glance in the mirror to see if my slip is showing.
Off to the shower i go, that morning haven i love so well....and then one more day of work, before my two days off. Later.

Tuesday Morning~~
Today's going to be a busy day, i can feel it. I have so much energy my eyes feel like lasers...i could melt someone just by looking at them. I should wear soft colors, to mute myself a bit, but i feel RED. WOW!
Settled for hot pink, instead...It's pouring rain, and in a few minutes i am off to the ins. company, then work. All the best laid plans of mice and men, i guess..
Justin was up, wanted to talk, then an early morning phone call from Rikk..no time to write, no time for much of anything, just press on forward, and GO! later...

Monday Night, one more time
I have decided not to publish the boys birthday letters to me...I will keep them as a private pleasure..besides, it's just too much accolades to handle...when, no one belongs up on a pedestal..we are just fellow journeyers, thats all.
On my way home from work, i thought how i couldn't wait to get home and write...my fingers tapped impatiently on the steering wheel, i drove a bit too fast. I realized to write publicly is to invite people to dinner. You prepare, you taste, you set it down on the table. Sometimes the fare is fancy, and the candles are lit. sometimes it's just potluck, with paper towels for napkins, a hurried bite. Regardless, the invite is there,to come share. Only eat what you like, eat as much as you want, because there is always plenty more!! And the door is always open....Later.

Monday Night~~
Don't worry, anonymous....the buttons on blogger are broken again...So, no fancy colors...I must admit i loved your poem(it had humor and heart) and, as i dashed off to work this morning, i realized that I couldn't see my post very well, either, lol.
Quiet day at work....the boss went out of his way to act nice ( like i am going to forget, HA!)so, i acted the same....Deb, on the other hand, could'nt look me in the eye...She is the one who told the boss i was ranting about going to the labor board..even though when she said "you have put me on the spot,telling me your plans for the boss" I told her to forget it, our friendship was worth more then the 200 dollars taken out of my check, and i wouldnt go to the labor board..sigh. I will never stop believing in the good in people, though. I can think of all the good that has come of our friendship, and feel compassion that she is so desperate for the closeness she has with the boss that she needs to betray a friend to cement that friendship.
Looks like the closing for the refinance is set for Friday at 1pm!! My stomach is kinda clenched, so hopeful and so scared, but, destiny is blowing in my ear, half caress, half tickle, and i am just enjoying the sensation.
Tomorrow, nine am, paying for new ins. for the house, the last thing to do for the refinance...used all my skill, and LOTS of prayers, to get it done in 24 hours...as is the last necessary expense to finish the paperwork.
I recieved my birthday presents from T. and J....i am such a lucky woman...My next post well publish them...
We don't need jewels, we don't need possessions...we only need people that love us, even if that love is not perfect..Indeed, DESPITE that love is not perfect..because in the imperfection of life, we hone our ability to be with God, in his perfection.....Be back in a few with my letters....xxx

Monday  Morning~~
  testing, testing, could the blogger bugs have gotten a shot of penicillin???I see the preview button, i am typing in color and chose my own font.....here goes!

Oh!OH!
more gifts...each so special, so heartfelt
todd took me to dinner...( i know he has just a little bit in his pocket, no more) We shared a golden margarita, and i had ribs and shrimp and more tears...I am DROWNing in love.....
Then, his K. came over.....she did an oil painting of a mermaid...languid, half in the water, half in the sand, with long, red hair, and an mona lisa smile...
how lucky, how blessed, can i get? Those are just two...you who love me know how thankful i am for your gift....I am a happy girl, so happy, barefoot and wildhaired and enjoying every minute of this first day of my birthday year...
thank you, and ...sweet dreams.

Yippie! Birthday Morning~~
I had the most fabulous dream last night. I dreamt i was up in the sky, in a red,white and blue hot air balloon. I was alone, and the sky was blue with lacy clouds. I was delighted, but didn't know how to navigate the ship. I found some ropes, and pulled them up and down, and viola!! i was piloting....a little rocky, but having a ball, nonetheless....
Off to work i go!! Later

DEAR LISA:
AS PROMISED I AM WRITING YOU ON YOUR B'DAY! THE BLOG WON'T LET ME POST A COMMENT - NO USER NAME AND PASSWORD. SORRY, BUT I TRIED! anyway I WANT TO WISH YOU A VERY HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I KNOW IT IS HARD TO DO BECAUSE OF MOMMY'S DEATH THE DAY BEFORE, BUT I KNOW SHE WOULD WANT ME TO FOR HER TOO! OH YEA, DADDY WISHES YOU A VERY SPECIAL BIRTHDAY TOO! THEY ARE VERY PROUD OF HOW HARD YOU WORK AND YOUR DETERMINATION TO KEEP THINGS GOING! I THINK OF MOMMY OFTEN AND THE ONE SPECIAL THOUGHT WAS WHEN THERE WAS A FULL MOON AND SHE SAID DADDY WAS UP THERE SMILING DOWN ON ME! AND YOU KNOW WHAT I BELIEVED HER THEN AND I BELIEVE HER NOW! WHO CAN FORGET MOMMY TRYING TO LEARN HOW TO DRIVE WITH TAGGERT'S DRIVING SCHOOL! I STILL GET A LAUGH OUT OF THAT ONE! THE GUY TEACHING HER WAS A NERVOUS WRECK AFTER 1 DAY! THEN I REMEMBER OUR DOG MICKEY HAVING PUPPIES AND SHE WAS THE ONLY ONE ALLOWED INTO THE DOWNSTAIRS BATHROOM. IF WE WANTED TO SEE THE PUPPIES WE COULD ONLY GO IN WITH MOM! THAT WAS BECAUSE MICKEY NEW WHAT A LOVING COMPASSIONATE CARING MOTHER MOMMY WAS! OH, I REMEMBER FALLING ASLEEP IN MOMMY'S LAP AND WE HAD AN OLD WHITE AND BLACK CAR? I REMEMBER GETTING THE OLDSMOBILE THE FIRST NIGHT AND WE RODE AROUND TO UNCLE MICKEY'S HOUSE TO SHOW HIM! I BASICALLY REMEMBER A LOT, WHICH IS MY GIFT BECAUSE I WAS SOOOOO YOUNG. LUISA AND SEBASTIAN WISH YOU THE BEST B'DAY. XXXXX00000! LOVE AND CAN'T WAIT TO SEE YOU DOWN IN MD! GEORGE.

Saturday Night...
T. asked me if i would babysit the kids so he and K. could go to a concert. I thought about it, said no, unless it was something special. It was.....I am not so ready for grandmahood...especially today. But what better way to celebrate my mom, who welcomes all, rain or shine?
I cannot figure out how to work the vcr. They are taking my moving boxes and making forts. D. has given me a big wet kiss, called me Leesaaa. with his arms flung around me. L. told me it is easy to work the vcr...didnt i see the "play button?" Omigod...am i ready for this? and where is the F@@@#$@@ing button to make their movie work? Sigh. Later

Marathon, Blog 2, Sat. Night~~
I stood out in the rain, and stuck out my tongue. The raindrops tickled, sexy, and i wanted more. (Sorry, George). I felt my skin chill, and wanted, all of a sudden, to rip off my clothes and make love. ( VERY sorry, George).
My hair curled more, my tshirt was wet, and i came in to write this post. I don't care if i am cold, i don't care if my bottom is wet. At least i am alive, and trying, and never give up.
Ah, here it comes. The crashing wave of rememberance. Oh, mom,i miss you. You come to me as a redbird, your lily of the valley perfume mysteriously appears. I know i will see you again, even more important, feel your arms around me.
I could talk about the phone call; i could talk about the funeral...i could talk about finding you in your bedroom, dying. But...i would rather write about your lovlieness.later

Saturday, early evening~~
Thank you, God. It is raining, thundering, lightening, and it is perfectly expressing my heart. Rain for the healing, quenching my thirst for words to express...rain for so many tears that it takes the sky to release them. Thunder, thunder for my fist, shaking upward, asking "WHY?" waiting to sit on God's lap and get some explainations about this lifetime of mine...Thunder for the fist of anger i feel, i own, towards those that are mean and bullying and think that money can make them win. Lightening for the power, the raw SLASHING, IMMEDIATE power, to strike, to transform, to punctuate what is, and what will be.
Perhaps a marathon of words, tonight...so many thoughts/patterns, to describe, to share....
Work was a limp member, stuffed with a sock. Everyone acted like nothing had changed, nothing had happened. Are people so conditioned to abuse, that they pretend it doesn't exist? I am a girl, and i won't allow such treatment. How did the guys??? They said the boss was just "blowing smoke out of his ass"(their words, not mine,yuck). But, as they said it, their eyes scurried, and their hands fumbled...Why are they allowing it????? I don't get it.
I got to leave early; every 4th saturday is my turn. Garry tried to pay me 20 bucks to stay...NO WAY! Lenny acted like nothing had happened, either, but caught Pat on the side, and asked what i was saying...Me? I am not saying a thing. I am not a cancerian for nothing. I will bide my time. Bottom line, justice, no less then justice, will be served. Back in a moment.

Saturday Morning,
I am getting used to not being able to preview my posts..I think when blogger irons out the bugs it will be a very nice system, more colorful, anyway.
All ready for work;feel peaceful, ready, and able. I must of worked through alot of stuff in my sleep, I woke up several times, hair and body wet with sweat, eyes wide in the dark. Perhaps it's all that's happened this week, perhaps it's that it's the day Mom died. My brother and sisters always reach out on this day...our bond is unbreakable,undeniable, forever, regardless of our seperate lives. For me, it's a double edged sword,this day...because tomorrow is my birthday. I will write more later, but, right now, i am keeping my peace, i am holding onto my readiness, and putting a smile on my face. Off to work i go....

Friday Night...
Another post, unedited...can't help that, just have to go forward, anyway(even though little oj has just found the mouse, and is trying his best to sabatatouge, too)..I just picked up his little body, and took him off the computer desk...jeeeeshhhhh.
I admit, with all my fierce bravado the last two days, i am so dreading going to work tomorrow. How can i pretend that all is well? I want to spit in his face. I am going to bed in just a bit, and do alot of praying. It's not right to want to spit in someone's face. I need to let God fight this battle, not me. Going to bed with a clenched fist,mostly hot air, and a hope that my angels reign me in, so i can learn instead of loss. Later.

Friday Night~`
Pork chops fried in olive oil in a garlic/onion/flour&egg coat. Flush Red Peppers, dipped and oiled likeways, as a foil to the crusty brown entree. Last nights baked sweet potatoes, sliced, buttered, and nestled in pineapple, brown sugur, and bacon.
Cholesterol? EIKYEAHHHHHHHH! But, worth it, if you take in the value of the oils and fresh fruit, and cut the fat from the pork. Delicious doesns't have to be a diet destroyer...it takes thought, and heart, and a sweet hand flinging the seasonings, the oils, the accompniantments, to make a wonderful meal, that's sneakily good for you.
CRAP!!! i hate these unedited posts.....hope it all comes out alright...later.

Friday.
I cannot get the "preview" button to work on blogger...So, if this is filled with typographical errors, forgive me. ( It's not like i pay alot of attention to them, anyway) It is frustrating, though, to not be able to preview and adjust....But, i am so thankful to Blogger for the opportunity to write, i don't care.
I feel like i have let out of the box my evil twin...in my last posts of retribution directed towards my boss. I sense a holding in of breath, from those that read this blog. I am paranoid to think, "they won't comment, because they are scared of this mean lady". Oh, well. I promised that i wouldnt censor this blog. I have mentioned that fact before, actually. I guess i am not all happiness and light...just a person picking through her path, stopping to get rocks out of her shoes, and finding beauty and bee stings, along the way. Later.

Friday Morning~~
Last night i dreamt i wrote a book, or should i say, crafted one. I had an outline, and planned chapters, and made notes on the personalities of each character. I was concentrating deeply, and excited about the complexity of the story. I woke up remembering all that, but not what the story was about, or the characters...I tried to relax and crawl back into the dream, to no avail. Oh well...i guess it is still in my subconscious, somewhere.
I feel tired and beaten up today. Must be the stress of the meeting at work yesterday, and the appraisal...time for a little garden therapy,and maybe an afternoon nap on the front porch swing. Later.

thurs. afternoon
I have got him dead to nuts. It is illegeal in Michigan to take a deduction in pay without written consent. I don't know where i will go with this information, but, i am storing it, like a squirrel...until i need it. I cannot tolerate injustice., no matter what the personal cost. Later.

thurs. morning
I should have worn a helmut and full body gear. Good news, i am not fired, yet. He spent an hour, telling the three of us that he spent three hours yesterday with the labor relations board, and if anyone tried to oppose him,"He would go after them, and crush them like a grape". He said he got rid of his partner, he settled sbc, and the old owner, B., and we were small fish to fry. He said he had a specialized lawyer ready to sue, and files on each one of us, filled with insubordination, that he kept"off the premises". He said he was working a new deal with the old owner, and that he already had replacements for each one of us.
BOOM! was like a shotgun, fired in the face. No one said a word, except Pat, and he was quickly silenced. He told us if we didn't like it, we could leave right now. He said he has been working with people he meet on his owner trip to Aruba, and that new people brought in would be on a much different, lower, commission scale. He also said that he had feelers out for new salespeople, and "he would appreciate it if we told them to come in a fill out an application, if they called."
And that, dear friends, is why i despise window-dressing Christians. Yup, he goes to church every week, and bible study weekly. I know what he really is.
I prayed before the meeting, that God would allow the best possible outcome for all involved. I kept a rosary hidden in my hand, and managed to keep my mouth shut. I just have to stay until the refinance is done.
I feel so sorry for gary and pat, today. I got to leave, to finish cleaning up the house for the appraisal. They had to stay, to try selling themselves, the company, and the product, after been told that we are trash, easily replaced., and ruined financially in the process.
Sigh. Is this a life theme, here for me? Seems my birthday week is never a pleasant one...Oh, well. The sun is shining, the day is still young, and i will keep rolling with the punches, and make the best of it all. Keep me in your prayers....later.

Thursday Morning~~
Going to the meeting in battleship gray and bright red lips. And, my pearls, of course. Say a prayer...later.

Wednesday Night~

There are rumors running rampant that i am going to be fired tomorrow. Instead of getting our commission checks today, the boss has called a meeting for 9:30 am., to get our checks.His son said that we never had a conversation with me asking the outcome of the little old lady with the adjustable bed.., even though Pat( photographic memory) swore to both Dave and his son that we did, and Lenny told me nothing would be taken from my check... Perfect...brilliant, having to go back in there on my day off when the house appraisal is at 2pm.
It will not be in his best interests to fire me. I can't leave until after the refinance is complete, or it will scotch everything for Todd. I can have patience, i can have preservere,, but, don't mess with my children. I still have to be the main witness in one of his stupid court cases against a customer, and i WILL file for unemployment. (and get it, based on my productivity, non-absentism( i have never called off work in 20 months)and adherence to company policy.I know too much, and, if he pushes me hard enough, i will play ball so hard he will wish he never even tried to come up to bat against me. Enough is enough.

Wednesday Morning~~
Last night, as i wrote about God and Father Kevin, thunder started rolling in, and lightening flashed with each rumble. I shut down the computer to the first drops of rain. Fitting, i thought, that the sky mirrored my thoughts..the warning rumble of a storm approaching, the sharp sizzle of electricity, then the cooling release of the rain. A giant gust of wind ran through the open windows, slamming a door. The 4 windchimes on the front porch sang wildly. The patter of rain became a torrent,tears finally released, and i felt peace. Goodbye, Father Kevin. Later.

Tuesday Night~~
I have mentioned Alabama, quickly, in passing, like the shudder of a spider on the wall. My last post...well, it brought up Father Kevin.One terrible vignette in a palatte of horror those 4 years were.
Father Kevin, where are you today? Are you tucked happily in some posh Diocese, have you left the priesthood? or have you truly realized your calling, and live to your godlihood?
1970.....
I found jobs quickly babysitting. After all, i had been babysitting outside my home since age 11, and always got the same good recommendations...My most frequent job was a family from the church, with 4 kids ranging from infant to 7. Catholics drink, and smoke, and seemed to party without much thought of sinning, until confession rolled around once a week. My employers were no different, high rollers, dressed well and smelling good, while i felt the awkward preteen, home with their kids.
Father Kevin was the young parish priest, the leader of the youth choir i sang in. He started stopping by while i babysat. He let me talk and weep and ask "WHY?" about my mother's death six months before...and became not only my priest, but my confidant, my friend.
That night the children were sleeping, bathed and fed and sweet,and i began to cry...I missed my mother so much. She wasn't just my mom, she was my best friend. He held his arms out to me, and i crawled in them. He stroked my hair, and whispered little sh-sh-sh noises to the top of my head. I held him tighter. Then he kissed me, not a father kiss, but a man's kiss., and i was horrified. A deep, dark, female part of me wanted to kiss back, that virginal place ready to burst, but, all my senses screamed "NO!!" I was embarrassed...this was my PRIEST, this was God's emissary, WHAT WAS HE DOING????...He fondled me, and told me he loved me as a "sister in Christ".
I might have been a young girl, i might have been vulnerable, but i knew right from wrong.. Guilty, ashamed, wishing i was dead, i scrambled to my feet, pushing him away. They were due home in a few minutes, i said...I didn't have the courage to tell anyone. I quit the choir, and got in trouble with my aunt and uncle because of it. I hated God for 4 years, because of it. But, i never told. Before tonight. Later

Tuesday Night~
I remember being such a little girl, tiny, kneeling beside my bed, hands together, fingers pointed upward, praying to God. First i would say the Lord's Prayer, and then the Hail Mary. Then i would list all my family and friends, very careful not to forget anyone, so that God would protect them and keep them safe. Then the God/Lisa dialog would really begin. I would tell him how i wanted to be a nun like St. Teresa,( the little flower,)and spend my life in prayer. I would tell Him everything, always aware that if i wasnt"good" i would end up in hell, or at the very least, purgatory. So i always tried to please, always tried to be "good". I was the one that always shared, always gave, and lived by the golden rule, literally. I liked the idea of a quiet, peaceful life in a long black habit, too. And i would tell Him how i would live my life for Him.
Even in my darkest times, i have never given up Him up. I have been wicked, and i have been wild, and i have turned my back in anger and dispair. But those earliest times, those pristine, hand steepled talks with God, well, they glue me together in times like this. Good guys don't finish last. Tomorrow is always a promise. That's what rainbows are for.Later

Monday Night~~
Sorry, everybody. I want to write happy, i want to write funny, but, i am not a happy camper..(AGAIN,sigh). Work...what can i say? I took the 5,000 or so lost in comissions in stride, all in the day of a salesman, but...today...
The crazies are coming out of the woodwork...Just finished with the old-lady-adjustable bed debacle, and here comes two more on a deadrun. 1. Wants to return her 2,300 Serta because it is "not performing properly" causing "marital interruptis and "lack of sleep" OMIGOD???What was i, an axe murderer in my past life????? Of course, IF i can get the boss to take it back, there is another hit. I said i would forgo commission on the replacement bed, and just take the spiff..But, who knows? I don't care anymore..2.Legitimate comfort return, on one of the few remaining companies that will allow us to do it...But, she has come in FIVE TIMES, taking all my "ups", wallowing from bed to bed., driving me INSANE. To top it off, the boss just came back, and said" WE DON"T GIVE COMFORT RETURNS!!!" as i tried to explain that, yes, we did give them for that particular bed in the end of april. So, Just Shoot Me. sigh.
And then, the BEST part...I went into Deb's office, and asked (sick premonition, i guess)" SO, is Dave taking any money out of my commission check that i don't know about yet?" She had the grace to hang her head. Yup, you guessed it. Remember the little old lady, that they took the bed back from? The one they charged 250.00 dollars to pick it up and cancel the order? Well, they are taking 200.00 from my check, to try to recoup more money on their loss. I might have had BIG issues with the way the old owner treated me regarding sales, but, NEVER did he take money away from me. Lord, give me strength.

Monday Morning~~
It is gray,hot and humid out. I'll take it!! It beats gray, cold and snowing anyday, in my book. I had to laugh when i stumbled to the bathroom this morning and turned on the light. What on earth happened to my hair? I had braided it for bed the night before, and somehow the front had escaped. Looked like a rooster with a perm, and it cracked me up.
I talked it all out with Rikk yesterday. Funny how the things that attract me to someone can be the things that i find cause to fight about later. I love his solidness, his lack of drama, because he grounds me. But when a bout of insecurity hits, it's the very thing i complain about.So we compromised;He will get his computer up and going so we can maintain contact, I will let him know what i need before it becomes a full fledged drama. The truth is, i think i am a very easy woman to love, but not so easy to live with!
My sister Ange is fine, but it just occurred to me, could her emotional outburst be tied to this week of our mother's death, too? Perhaps all four of us sibling suffer subconscious earthquakes shaking our outer lives this week...
The house appraisal is set for this thursday at 2pm. It's the last leg of the refinance journey. If it goes well, it will be one more major piece of the puzzle in place for the move to maryland.
I worked on my resume last night. I hated doing it, it's very hard for me to promote myself in glowing, job-worthy terms. Oh, well. I don't like cleaning bathrooms, either, but it has to be done.
Time for that morning shower that i love so well. I am giving myself extra time, too, so i can revel in the water as it cascades down my body, so i can enjoy the creamy soap bubbles as i wash my hair, all the while lost in water-world. Later.

Sunday Morning~~
Another beautiful day out...I have to write quickly, because i have to get ready for work. Last night was a tough one. On the heel of the post about my mom, i got a panicked call from my niece in south Florida. Trouble in paradise at my younger sister's house. A spat with her husband prompted her to walk the last 2 blocks home, only she didn't go home. This is unlike my little sister, and her daughter called, crying and hysterical. I fought down my own panic, and did a visualization. I saw her to the left side of her house, near water. ( I have never been to her house). That's exactly where she was...Sitting in the dark by the water. We talked, and she's fine, but it was a very emotional 2 hours..
I called Rikk, needing his comfort, and ended up very angry that he wasn't here to support me. I am having such a hard time with our limited communication.. His computer has been down for over 6 weeks, so no more chats, and now that his son is with him, no more private talks, either, because their place is small, with nowhere to go to talk alone. I can feel myself putting up a wall, and i don't like that.
I guess i will just have to wait and see...I have too many fires in the pan right now to solve them all....Off to work i go., later

Sunday Morning, Just~~
You ever want to ruin a relationship with me? Ignore me. I don't tolerate it for very long. I need to be cherished. I need romance. I need connection. If you can't figure out how to do that., then, maybe you need some other type of loving. I have alot of thinking to do. Later.

Saturday Night,again
I want to unpublish that last post. I want to say i am sorry for writing it. I want to bury it. I won't though. I am afraid this writing every day has opened up places that have long been buried. I feel like a lone wolf,head back, sky twilight, howling at the moon....
But i never give up being part mermaid, anyway. As i write this, my feet are tucked into a cool foot massage, with soothing citrus bubbles. I knew before i started writing that i needed water close by to comfort me. Later...

Saturday Night~~
July 21,1969.A man walked on the moon, and i buried my mother. Two facts, both unfathomable,both terribly against the odds. The grownups, my grandmother, aunts, and uncles, sat at the dining room table. "I will take them all!" aunt patti said. "I will take Lisa!" said my rich aunt from Long Island. "I am not going!" said my oldest sister, Jan. They argued and talked, in stage whispers, as i sat invisible on the step, listening to every word. I heard them talk about money, and how much trouble we would be, and how hard it would be to take all three of us younger ones. Uncle Al had the legal rights. As my mom's oldest brother, she had given him guardianship of us all. Jan was 18, in love, and refused to be shipped from north jersey to Alabama.
What they didn't know was the promise i had made to my mother just weeks before. We were sitting in the dark, cuddled on the couch, talking into the night like the best friends we were. I asked the unspeakable question, filled with fears about her illness."what happens to us if you die?" She laughed and said she never would, but, just in case, "promise me, Lisa, you will take care of Andrea and George".I promised, and a great,dark loathing came over me..How selfish could i be, only thinking of myself, when she was so sick? "Of course i will, mommy" I promised..
As i sat on the steps those short weeks later, rocking and crying and holding myself tight., i knew i wasn't going to let ANYONE split us up. I had promised, and i would keep that promise.
I ran into the dining room, screaming. "STOP IT! STOP IT! JUST STOP IT!
You have to honor mommy's wishes. She wanted us kept together. The only one that can do that is Uncle Al." There was silence around the table. They knew i was right. There were no more arguments, just practical plans left to be done. And that was how i traveled that terrible road to alabama, one month later.

Friday Night~~
It's almost nine-thirty pm., and the "rosy little glow" has turned into an all out forest fire.!Guess it's been longer then i thought since i was out in sun...Is it a cool bath with white vinegar? or oil myself down? Or perhaps, vinegar AND oil in the bath, the salad dressing cure?
I don't know, but time to get these clothes off and find SOME relief...Later

Friday Early Evening~~
Do i really have the courage to leave this place? It is very beautiful, this magical little cottage. The blackberries on the side of the garage are ripening, and everywhere i look, i see beauty that i have planted, nur
tured,and patiently seen to fruition. Wouldn't it be wiser to stay safe? Safe in what i know, safe in the familiar? Work is horrible,and the winters destroy me,but...at least they are known dangers..right?
Besides, only three hours from Rikk, instead of 15..and,.aren't i too old to begin again? I have friends here, too..and I will miss Todd...
Sigh. it's no use. I do have the courage. I hear the call, the heart whisper,that's it's time for a new beginning. I can make magic anew. I can leave here, knowing that i did a good job., with my children, with this home, with the challenges at work that i have faced.
Time to go to the sea, to walk with the ponies on the beach, to go to the next chapter. I am still scared,, though.Later...

Friday Morning~~
I love listening to music in my jammies with my morning coffee as i write. This morning it's Mars Lasar., sexy new age instrumental, that makes me feel like slipping on a backpack and adventuring.
I know one place i won't be adventuring to very often, though...E-BAY!!!
I now own 15 antique hatpins(one topped with a glass fox)an antique fox wildlife engraving, two fox books, and a antique photo of a Canadian fox farm...LOL!I am very disaplined when it comes to shopping, though. I hate malls, and my innate thriftiness won't allow me to buy things new when there are so many interesting thrift shops around. Some of my best outfits come from the Salvation Army, some of my most cherished furnishing from garage sales. As long as my house is cozy, i'm happy.
The sun is bright and beautiful, and i am heading to the beach!!Yippie!!!!!!!!!! Later.

Thursday,early Evening~~
OMIGOD!!!!!!!!!i have just discovered E-Bay....This is a very dangerous place for a confirmed garage-sailor...I have already bought a 1882 print of a Fox, and have a bid on a collection of antique hatpins(one being a fox), fox fabric, a child's book titled"The Brave Fox", and an antique book called "Mountain Girl" by Genevive Fox. I am in big trouble. I bid with abandon, but never went over Seven dollars and 18 cents...
Don't laugh...with the refinance so close, and trying to pay off the 800.00 car in full, PLUS pay the 1200 for the mortgage, 400.00 for the Intrepid i don't drive, before eating, paying electric, ect.., i have no business on E-bay.
Sure was fun, though. Yippie-I-Oh-Ki-A!!!!!!!!!(That is vintage 50's American slang for "holy crap, i am riding rough and loving it!"
Oh, well...call it an early birthday present to myself..
NOTE: if any of you are in similar financial straits...DON'T GO TO EBAY!!!! Later.....wink, wink....

Thursday Afternoon~~
It just occured to me...If someone was stalking me, i have given way too much information away. May God and the angels keep me safe...........

Thursday afternoon~~
Brooklyn and I decided to target tomorrow as a better beach day. I don't think i will make the movie, and, i guess shamefully, i don't want to go to a movie alone. We independant women are supposed to cheerfully, purposefully, enjoy such pastimes..i think they have even written articles about it. Not me. I want to go to a dark movie theater with a lover, hold hands, get a sneaky kiss on the neck, or maybe a slow caress on my thigh...or go with a girlfriend, someone who is as comfortable as an old flannel nightgown,a fireplace, and a good book. Both exquisite pleasures, just different.
Right now i am plowing through the computer room, tackling the piles and piles of stuff, and finding little strings to my heart. Recipes for baked beans, spiritual stories tucked into folders, long forgotten bills paid, (and unpaid..uhoh!),photos of the kids, tucked into quickly scribbled recipes....I can't die, for at least another 50 years. It would be too much of a job to get rid of my "Stuff".
Justin, Todd....i write all these words, this entire blog, as a matter of fact., in an effort for you to know your momma...I am not just the one who loves you, no matter what...I am not just the one that says"NO!...I am not just the cook, maid, phycologist(damn, could never spell that word),keeper of all things familiar....I am a woman, with a heart and mind and soul that you just don't really know....It is too much to fathom now, but, believe me, someday you will ache and wonder and ponder..."what was she REALLY like?"
Well, this blog tells you...make your own assessments...
I am not planning to die or anything, though, just the fact that i am writing this makes me nervous...self-fulfilling prophesies and all....
Back to all my "stuff"...later

Thursday Morning~~
My day off, and i was excited because i made plans to go to the lake with my friend Kathleen(aka Brooklyn). A long, lazy day, swimming, girl-yakking, reading..all the while doing a slow, warm bake in the sun.
Not to be, sigh...I'm wearing jeans and a sweatshirt, and its cold and gloomy out. sighh...That's okay, just have to switch gears to plan B. Clean the house, go to the bank, pack somemore, and then, maybe a movie in the afternoon....something dramatic and epic with a little smooching and romance thrown in..
Better get to it...the day's 'awastin.....Later

Wednesday night~~
This is silly, but,...i just wanted to give everybody a big hug and kiss goodnight...Sweet Dreams!!! And never forget, tomorrow, ah tomorrow, that glorious chance to make it all better......xxxxx

wednesday night~~(dedicated to divaheart)
Cleaning, a woman's meditation....None of us like to clean...but, once we start, there is a beauty, a peace, to cleaning...We start because we can't stand the clutter anymore, we see it as a symbol of our lives...cluttered, dirty, uncared for...a state that not a woman i know can tolerate for long. The dirty fingerprints along the front door become a lover's betrayal, the ring around the tub our financial worries...and the pile of laundry, spilling from the basket and growing like fungus on the bedroom floor...our inability to take charge of our lives.
So, we clean. We clean hard, too.On hands and knees, we attack the dirt that a quick "pick-up-the-house-it's-fine" doesn't even begin to cover.
With each swipe of the cloth, with each spray of bleach, we clean away our sorrow, and our anger, our tears incorporated into the scent of disinfectant, and we make things...Clean.
We become the women that we want to be.(We dream this as we clean) Our children are happy, our partners revel in our perfection. Our makeup is perfect, and our careers are fortune 500 dreamscopes.
We clean some more. Tired, now, we realize that we cannot change our lover's betrayals, our anxieties about money, our children's sucesses or failures, our makeup, the size of our bums, or the fact that our careers might be just a way to survive.
But, a sweet, clean scent wafts through the house. All is in order, and our homes look like just that...well cared for, tidy, HOMES....not the dives we felt hopeless in when we started.
What did we accomplish? Probably saved a few boyfriends, children, and bosses...The cleaning time didn't just make us tired, it gave us time to think, to meditate, to really decide what needed to be an issue, and what, well...just needed a bit of a scrub..... Later....

Tuesday Night~~
I didn't get to write this morning, because my sister called, and i preferred talking to her...though, all the while, sentences raced in my head...When people talk to me, i do some weird mental exercises...I translate their stories.. saving, cataloging, editing,writing them, deep inside.Some i would never tell, because they gave me their deepest heart, and that is sacred, other bits, i use, enjoy, taste, delight in.
Today was such a PEOPLE day...Glorious!!! The young girl, Leah, who needed a job, sleeping on blankets in an empty apartment, that i hooked up with a waitress job...only to find her Dad owns a resort in the Upper Pennisula..(she didnt want to ask him for more money)The woman that cried on the phone...telling me a horror story of beatings, sexual abuse, and illness, while i listened, dumbfounded, wondering how in the world i got into the conversation, helplessly praying for her....(it all started out with her asking for the cheapest twin mattress)..The lady who i sold a bed to, over a year ago, that had a comfort return, and we exchanged it for the bed that I own,(not MY bed, the same model) that told me her new boyfriend had to have the exact bed, for when she slept at his house....only to find she ran a plant business, and will hire justin for the summer...The list goes on and on.....and at the same time, i had a very good sales day, did my ordering, revamped the futon room, and helped edit the advertising and give my imput on changes within the commission structure...
I am so tired my eyes are crossed....I made a new friend, too...a rep for a furniture company that has given us some serious delivery trials...
He is sending me a (GUESS WHAT!) cardinals t-shirt...because he lives in St. Louis....i will wear the shirt proudly....
Baby kitty is doing his nursing/thumb thing...jeeeshhh...what's a mother to do? Later......

Monday night~~
it is hard to type, because baby orange kitty is nursing on my thumb.He is insistant, and won't let go, and as i drag my thumb to the keyboard, he comes with it. He suckles like a human baby, with those sweet, moist sounds, and the gentle pressure of insatiable need. Some day, my boys will read this post...Will they be horrified? Will they see Oepedius incarnate, rearing his ugly head? Or can i somehow describe the sonata of joy, the utter serenity, of a baby at my breast?
So... i will try.....
1982....
You will not take formula, and i only tried it because the doctors said it was best...one taste, and you spit it out, and you don't like being alone in your crib, either. Your face reddens in rage, and i know what to do. Wrapped in my arms, snuggled deep in my bed, mouth to me, you drink deep, listening to the beating of my heart. You quiet, and i ...i feel ferocious, the need to protect and feed and keep you safe almost a growl in my throat,intwinded with a peace, so deep, a sense of belonging, so endless, that all i can do is let you drink...both of us wordless, speaking volumes......
Baby kitty is sleeping, chin touching the desk....as so should i be...Oh, and...( SORRY, GEORGE!)i know u will hate this one, lol....Later

Monday Morning~
The BOOM BOOM BOOM of the fireworkers is finally over. My neighborhood is a throwback from the fifties...Small ranch and bungalows,neat little lawns,encircled by towering maples you can't get your arms around.Carefully tended gardens, with tomato plants and sunflowers and lots of rosebushes. People here borrow weed-wackers and sugur, and lean on their rakes to talk over the fence. I like that. Even after the royalties start coming in from my first book( optimism at it's best),I will NEVER live in one of those huge musoleums they call a home now. You know the ones, the "Thank God i don't drink because I would stumble into the wrong house" kinda yuppie mansions,that all look alike except for the color of the door and designer landscaping treatment. Give me an old house with creaky wooden floors and some individuality any day. Give me neighbors that are really neighbors, any day. I don't even think all of us lock our doors here, though that might just be denial of our violent society.
Told Rikk on the phone last night about giving away the Dodge colt. I wasn't looking forward to it, because i knew the Scot/Dutchman in him was going to freak. "You GAVE it away???" I think the quote he used after that was "No good deed will go unpunished". Modern translation, " Good guys finish last". I have heard that incredulous tone before, when i do things like that, from my sisters, especially. Almost like they are dealing with a mentally impaired child. I don't care, really. I never deny that heart voice inside. It keeps my hand in God's, somehow. Off to work i go.....Later.