Monday Night~
Fatherless Girlchild.
For that's what i was. If you read the pschology books, puberty is pretty much the most dangerous time for a girl to lose her father. Add to the mix a very sensitive, emotional girl-child, with an older sister who is assertive and actively maintaining her place as the established favorite, and you have a lethal mix that can derail all but the strongest of intimate relationships.
I might be strong, i might be independent, yet, when the storms come, i want my daddy. I don't want him away on a business trip, I don't want him unavailable, for any reason. I want him to lean on, to save me, to hold me until the sun returns.
Impossible? yes. Irrational? yes. It is the same as the many times i have prayed,begged, for help from God. Desperate calls for comfort, yet recieved no reply.and not being able to fathom the reason that He says no.
Father, God, Savior??? It is an impossible task, akin to me telling my child at three that he cannot have the sun, or the sky, to hold in his hand or save in his pocket...
So, what are the options when you are reverting back to childhood? When u want your daddy, and nothing else will do? Mine has always been to withdraw, to close in on myself, to cloak myself invisible, until the rain and wind and fear passes, and i can take care of myself once more.
But there is a price to pay. While withdrawing, God, or Father, or Lover, must sit by and agonize, waiting for me to realize that it's not their fault, it's just Life.
I don't think i will ever get over the loss of my father. But i think i can find a workable solution. Feel the pain, and stay open. Don't close out those i love. Because without them, what is life worth?