Thursday Afternoon~~

I lost it today. Tears just keep falling out of my eyes. I took down the huge" Jesus Smiling " painting that Rikk made for me. I moved all the living room furniture. I put the dining room table in the corner,even though it looks like it is cowering. My home chai is screaming that i am already gone from here.
I have listened to nat king cole and sachimo over and over, while my hands scrubbed the floors and my eyes leaked. I listened to songs of love lost, and i lost myself. I have the strongest urge to just run, run so far and so fast that as i run, my responsibilites fall off me like leaves in an autumn storm.
Somehow i have to remember that he hasnt died, he just cant be with me for two years. I wish i had never met him!!!!!! I was really getting used to being alone. Ah, but , thats not true. I dont wish i had never met him, i just wish we were together.
A storm has just split the sky. I better get off before i fry this computer. I am going to keep cleaning, keep minimizing, keep crying, for a while more.